Uncle Andy's Digest - Nov 2013

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America!

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November 2013

We Hope To SEA You This Holiday Season!

Reserve Your Company Holiday Party!!

Groups of 100+ can reserve the entire hibachi restaurant.

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Japanese Cuisine 40 East Ave., Lewiston • 795-6888 www.sea40me.com

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Talking Turkey

“I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'” – Demetri Martin

Submitted by Thomas Hill

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That one is too skinny.

What else you got?" says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."

– Erma Bombeck Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Size Does Matter!

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Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie. –David Mamet

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA NOVEMBER 2013 Saturday, Nov 2nd Holy Cross KC Bean Supper 4:30pm – 6:30pm (Chapter 14346) Lisbon Street, Lewiston $5.00 Member; $6.00 Guest Wednesday, Nov 13th Rolly’s Diner BREAKFAST 7am – 10am (Chapter 14437) 87 Mill St, Auburn $3.50 Member; $4.50 Guest Wednesday, Nov 13th Chick-A-Dee Restaurant 4:00pm – 7:00pm (Chapter 12749) 1472 Lisbon St, Lewiston $8.00 Member; $8.50 Guest Thursday, Nov 21st Ari’s Pizza 11:30am - 1pm (Chapter 10929) Main St., Norway $5.00 Member; $5.50 Guest November 23rd thru 30th FEZtival of Trees see schedule for times (Chapter 8609) Kora Shriners Temple, 11 Sabattus St., Lewiston $1 Member Sunday, Nov 24th KC Turkey Dinner 12pm SHARP (Chapter 10589) Our Lady of The Rosary Church, Sabattus, $5.00Member; $6.00 Guest Tuesday, Nov 26th Luiggi’s 4:00pm – 7:00pm (Chapter 12907) 63 Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.00 Member; $5.00 Guest

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed. ************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com Staff JIMBO Projects Galore

UNCLE ANDY A Dempsey Believer

MAGGIE Activities Coordinator

Any kid’ll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime. – Red Skeleton

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We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted We also accept Credit & Debit Cards

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FREE CONSULTATIONS

PAM Centrally Located

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

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Or email us at: smileagaindentures@gmail.com

While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner.

"My knees, my elbows, my neck …

When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first? – Bill Cosby

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DGET! U B S ’ E N R EVERYO O F G N I C NG PRI WE HAVI

Home Insecurity Submitted by Jimbo

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

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www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com Country music has always been the best shrink that 15 bucks can buy. – Dierks Bentley

“I thought I heard an intruder.

I came down to scare him.”

Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”

One & Only During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.”

Her friend nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said. “Once is enough.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

Nov. 2013

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Out ’n About at the Dempsey Challenge

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

Great Christmas Idea!

Buy yourself or a loved one a subscription to Uncle Andy’s Digest!

Only $30 for the whole year (12 editions).

We’ll mail it directly to their residence each and every month! Perfect any time of the year...

Birthday, Anniversary, Christmas or just because!

Give us a call or email

editor@Uncle An dys.com!

Uncle Andy’s Digest, PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 • (207) 783-7039

Whales can never focus both their eyes on the same object at once.

PLAY & WIN! Correctly identify where in each photo the Uncle Andy’s Digest is and you could win a $25 GAS CARD courtesy of Dad’s Place!

Hi, my name is: Wendy Tardiff

There are 15 photos throughout this magazine included in this contest. Email your answers (all 15 of them) to editor@UncleAndys.com. The first person to correctly identify all of them wins the $25 GAS CARD!... Ready... Set... Go!!!

Some are easy, some are a little more difficult, look closely.

#1

#2

Hi, my name is

Holly Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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I got mugged by a magician. It’s not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

Out ’n About at the Dempsey Challenge

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.

#3

#4

We’re pretty jaZZed up!

Biker

My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she’s been playing my ex-girlfriend.

Don

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Out ’n About in Poland for some football Submitted by mom, Brandie Rand

Playing flag football is great fun. Supporting breast cancer at the same time, priceless!

“A line is a dot that went for a walk.” – Paul Klee

Enroll in November and your 4th week is FREE!

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Parents of currently enrolled students: Refer a friend and get 1 week FREE for yourself & your referral! Now through Nov. 30th

NEW HOURS! 6am - 6pm

301 Sawyer Rd. • Greene HOLIDAY TOY SWAP - December 11th Drop off your gently used toys and get new toys for under the tree!

Drop-off dates: Nov. 1st - Dec. 6th, between 6:00am and 6:00pm

Carter Rand, 4 & Ayden Rand, 6

Years of Romance Submitted by Jimbo

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

Dad & Coach Adam Rand with his kids, Carter, Ayden & Delia Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"

“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?” – Groucho Marx

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what—never again.

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www.dadsplace.info Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

Nov. 2013

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Playing Along

Never trust a man with a tassel on his loafer. It’s like, What, did your foot just graduate?

Submitted by Thomas Hill

• • • •

An elderly couple were in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream.

She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her.

Call about FREE Boat Storage for Winter Work

He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried."

She asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?"

He said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely."

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783-5600 Out ’n About at the Dempsey Challenge

The Norcross Family

Then she asked "Well would you two live in this house?"

He replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage."

She asked again, angry now "Well would she sleep in this bed?"

He thought a while and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to get rid of it."

Open to the Public

She asked irately, "Well would she use my golf clubs?"

Cashews Almonds Redskins Spanish Blanch Pistachios Lindt Truffles Candy Melts

He replied with a straight, serious face "No. She's left handed."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

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Uncle Andy: Yes.

Uncle Andy: It’s like a felt-tipped pen.

Maggie: Oh, I know what it is.

Uncle Andy: Well, do you have one?

Maggie: Yes, I do. I keep it here in what I call a drawer.

Following Instructions Submitted by Jimbo

Since 1954

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Maggie: What you call a Sharpie?

Steve

Ryan

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Uncle Andy: Do you have what I call a Sharpie?

Maggie: You and no one else?

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Submitted by Jimbo

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

Brad’s Precision Auto • Appointments required, please call first • Fully warranteed & certified • $58/hr labor rate

Office Scene at UAD

Available for private parties

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” his wife asks.

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

www.rollodrome.com

The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.

He replies, “They had avocados.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Local models hit Foxwoods A jewelry show, a little gambling & a whole lot of fun!

Chrissy, did you bring the company credit card on this trip?

I don’t know how to speed-read. Instead, I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward.

New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039

Sunday, Nov. 10th

Tuesday, Nov. 12th

Benefit Pool Tournament

Election for New Officers

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Taylor Dubois Stetson All Donations go direct to family $7 Dinner 3-5pm

Voting starts at 11am to 7pm

Thank you for your vote!

Leroy Walker City Council Ward 5

Never eat more than you can lift. – Miss Piggy

Stacy Corbett, Chrissy Ames & Darcy Pabst of Republic Jewelry

I sure did!

I think Stacy is trying to max it out right now. No one back home will notice, right?

Mike Morin’s

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Darcy & Chrissy Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.—Erma Bombeck

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

– Jack Benny

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit with results that you will be proud to show off.

Visit us at our newly renovated state of the art office at:

730 Center Street Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

Back in Time Submitted by Jimbo

For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I’d love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast.

Then we hit the playground and a merrygo-round. We finished the day with a banana split.

"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?"

I asked.

"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."

783-1351

Reporting for Duty

Same Day Emergency Care

Submitted by Jimbo

Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm Fri. 8am-4pm

We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.

"It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."

"So?"

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com I know the voices in my head aren't real, but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!

"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

Nov. 2013

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Out ’n About at Isabelle’s Challenge at Hair by Gregory’s Four years ago the Jalbert family lost a close relative, a cousin that Isabelle called ‘Aunt Ali’, who lost her battle with cancer. The beginning of this year Isabelle had an idea to donate her hair to kids who were bald and battling cancer. That, with the help of her parents Kimberly & Greg Jalbert, turned into a great cause for Locks of Love.

Isabelle is a secondgrader at Auburn Community School. She is a very well spoken young lady and she challenged her classmates to join her cause. Many of them also started growing their hair out. Donated hair needs to be 10” in length and it takes 6-10 ponytails to make one hairpiece.

Hair by Gregory’s in Auburn generously donated their salon and time to do the cuts. As of the time of this printing Hair by Gregory’s had done 50 blunt cuts!

Go to locksoflove.org to learn more or to make a donation. Great job, Isabelle.

People like you make a difference in our great community!

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

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Isabelle Jalbert proudly shows her ad that appeared in Uncle Andy’s Digest to promote Isabelle’s Challenge Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Just great! I finally get a genuine idea, and someone else thought of it first.

The best things in life are free, but unfortunately that's not the way the law sees it.

Out ’n About at Isabelle’s Challenge at Hair by Gregory’s

ANCE SALE!!

d Car & Truck Center 2010 Hyundai Sonota SE V6

2012 Kia Soul

2010 Nissan Maxima

2010 Nissan Murano SL Connie (Mimi) & Bob (Papa) Gagnon with Isabelle

Red, 3.3L V6, Auto., 4 door, 43k

Tan, 1.6L 4cyl., Auto., FWD Hatchback, 20k

Black, 3.5L V6, CVT, 4 door, 27k

Tinted Bronze, 3.5L V6, CVT, AWD, 53k

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2008 Toyota Prius

2011 Toyota RAV4

2011 Toyota Tacoma

2012 Toyota Tundra

Spectra Blue, 1.5L 4cyl., Hybrid, 82k

Pyrite Mica, 3.5L V6, Timberland Mica, Auto., 4WD, 33k 4.0L V6, double cab

Isabelle and Kimberly Jalbert & Tina Dowd

Blue Metallic, 4.6L V8, 11k

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Tina Dowd carefully measures and cuts Isabelle’s hair

Isabelle immediately after the blunt cut of her ponytails I distinctly remember forgetting that.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

Nov. 2013

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Lie Detector

“You can only be young once, but you can always be immature.” – Dave Barry

Submitted by Jimbo

When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner—both EMTs—rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information. "What’s your age?" he asked.

"Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. "What does that do?"

"It’s a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?"

"Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.

Advanced Potty Training Submitted by Jimbo

My sister got a call from her son’s kindergarten teacher. When he’d gone in to check on Little James in the bathroom, he noticed the boy was using a urinal.

“That’s odd,” my sister said. “We never taught him how to use a urinal.”

“I could tell,” said the teacher. “He was sitting in it.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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I chose the path less traveled by, but only because I was lost.

If at first you don't succeed, try playing second base.

SHARE OUR PASSION

Nicole told me if I wore my Red Sox jersey that I could get my photo in Uncle Andy’s Digest.*

AMES SPORTS SHOP 84 Littlefield Road, Auburn • 782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)

Sharon Paiton-Ramano (seated)

& Nicole Vachon at Sheila's Hair Salon in McFalls *Sharon, we would have published your photo wearing any shirt, but we certainly appreciate your effort! –UAD

Government Efficiency Submitted by Jimbo

Your One Stop Shop For All Your Insurance Needs

www.CummingsAgency.com 1-800-339-0414

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.

"But I filled them out last year," she replied.

9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls

(207) 345-8711

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.

Call or stop in today for a FREE quote!

Jeff & Nora Cummings Diane Morissette • Joline Waite

207-345-8711

My friend had the 24 hour bug for three days; go figure!

"You have to fill them out every year."

"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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The RSU4 PTA is hosting its

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

Annual

777-3339

Holiday Craft Fair

REMOTE STARTERS Saturday, November 23

216 Center Street, Auburn

Next to Republic Jewelry, Parking in back of building

soundeffectsmaine.com

9am-4pm Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

Oak Hill Middle School 40 Ballpark Road, Sabattus

Admission is FREE! Holiday gifts, baked goods, door prizes, 50/50, and our famous "Pick Your Raffle".

Lunch counter serving homemade soups, chowders, chili, and hotdogs. All proceeds support the students grades K-8 from Sabattus, Litchfield, and Wales.

8 ft table rentals are $35 FMI please contact RSU4PTA@RSU4.org Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Don’t forget to set your scales back 10 lbs the night before!

Every sunrise is God's greeting; the sunset is His signature.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in a dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Come test drive your next vehicle today!

Out ’n About fishing on Monmouth Lake This baby beat Jim’s catch but you should have seen the one that got away!

Browse our entire inventory online at:

www.IndependentAuto.me or Visit us at 686 Sabattus St. in Lewiston 786-7744

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Andy Carrier with his 21.5” large mouth bass

It’s not the size of the fish in the fight... it’s the size of the fight in the fish. I clearly won today!

183 Lisbon Street • Lisbon

353-9862

Tony D. & Tony G.

Established in 1984

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Jim Mathon with his 21” large mouth bass

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Always a couple of Harley Davidsons for sale!

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No, I do NOT sit in my living room all day watching TV. I also have a TV in my bedroom.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.” The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Out ’n About with Rachel Verrill Events

Wet sand weighs less than dry sand.

for the grand opening of Amanda’s Trademark Salon & Spa in Oxford Photos by Sea Mist Photography

Justin Hamilton & Amanda Miclon

I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations.

What do their screen savers look like?

Out ’n About with Rachel Verrill Events

Josh & Rachael Follansbee

Megan Smith Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Amanda Miclon, Shauna Grenier, Lindsay Sharkey, Katie Coolidge, Crystal Cash, Brittany Detlefsen, Rachael Follansbee

Some sharks lose over 30,000 teeth in a lifetime.

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

In Your Dreams Submitted by Jimbo

Low Rates • Fast Approval • Great Terms

On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace.

What do you think it means?”

“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

It’s starting to get cold out there... come see us for your winter fun loans!

Facebook Love Call Dane, Michele or Ken today!

Great Falls Federal Credit Union 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 *Restrictions & qualification apply

www.GreatFallsfcu.com Even a fish would stay out of trouble if he kept his mouth shut.

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.

Say What?

Submitted by Jimbo

I’d noticed that my 60year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.

"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."

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Confucius Say: Man who sleep in bed of nails is holy.

Branch Manager

Asst. Branch Manager

Aliens?

Nervous Dad Submitted by Thomas Hill

“Just relax”, the hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail. Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck.

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles visit our website: After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried.

www.donovansauto.com

“Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”

Stop by, call or click today!

946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856

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My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.

I come from a family of mapmakers. When I left home my parents said, “Son, never forget your routes.”

Bear Huntin’ Submitted by Thomas Hill

The guide introduced a tourist in the Rocky Mountains to an old hunter who was reputed to have slain some hundreds of bears.

"This feller," the guide explained to the hunter, "would like to hear about some of the narrower escapes you've had from bears."

with any 2 stage snowthrower purchase in November!

The old mountaineer regarded the tourist with a disapproving stare.

"Young man," he said, "if there's been any narrow escapes, the bears had 'em."

There are 701 types of pure breed dogs.

Blessings

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 OUR TIRES

Rod Cameron & Ben Britton

• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

60 Minot Ave • Auburn

782-6666 or 783-2026

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

The only state in the U.S that grows coffee beans is Hawaii.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Last year on Thanksgiving, the childless farmer and his wife prayed for all their blessings. They also prayed that their loneliness of having no children be relieved.

Their prayers were answered and the wife became pregnant. She gave birth to triplets!

A friend remarked, "See, prayers are always answered."

The farmer then replied, "Yes, but I never prayed for a bumper crop like this!"

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Athletic Turkey

Though human noses have an impressive 5 million olfactory cells with which to smell, sheepdogs have 220 million, enabling them to smell 44 times better than man.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Help us celebrate our 6 Year Anniversary!

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.

Stop in to enter drawings for great prizes throughout November

While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

...to our community for all of the support!!

Front row: Beckie Davis, Kirstie Acker, Michele Tribou (owner), & BreAnna Whitten Back Row: Dillon Roberts, Chris Belanger & Jake Lavoie Mon-Sat 7am-9pm Sun 10am-8pm

Locally Owned & Operated

600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.—Fred Allen

#5

Grocery Store Submitted by Thomas Hill

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.

She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied "No ma’am, they're dead."

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#6 Contest starts on page 6. Play along and you could win a $25 GAS CARD courtesy of Dad’s Place!

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Out ’n About at the Dempsey Challenge

I’m coming out with a condensed phone book. It has only one number in it: 411.

We asked if they liked seeing their photos in Uncle Andy’s Digest...

Mother & Daughter: Nancy Levesque & Kelli Gilzow

My mom is my SPRQ! Check out what we’re up to on page 27.

Do people who say “Exercise helps me relax” know about not exercising?

Superior Paving Company

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family owned & operated

Serving all of Maine for over 40 years!

Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

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When faced with two different career paths, a window washer will often choose the ladder.

Soup is on!

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5.69 2-pc Roadies Bone-in Chicken Dinner 4.99 Lg Murray Special Pizza (5 toppings, white or wheat dough) $15.45 Large Chicken Tender Sub

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I don’t want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don’t have to finish it.

“Doing business without advertising is like winking in the dark, you know what you’re doing but nobody else does.” – Guerrilla Marketing

Join all the other smart business owners you see in this magazine... you’ll be glad you did!

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST 783-7039 • editor@UncleAndys.com

Blackie’s Farm Quality Used Furniture

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I have a bad attitude. When I was a kid, I wore Lex Luthor underwear.

Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can’t keep.

Our Lady of the Rosary Holiday Craft Fair When

4th Annual F I T N E S S Holiday ! e g n e l l a h C s s o L Weight

Friday, Nov 8th 11am - 6pm Saturday, Nov 9th 9am to 3pm

8 weeks of Nutrition & Exercise Challenges to get you through the Holiday Troubles!!

Based out of our SPRQ Sabattus, 20 Main St. Sabattus Location

754-9411 Primary Location: 20 Main St, Sabattus (2nd floor)

www.SPRQStudio.com

WEEKLY Punishment Workouts ~ Bi-weekly Podcasts ~ ~ “Shake-It-Up” & Rebuild Recipe Interactive Classes ~ ~ Bi-Weekly Weigh-In & Measurements ~

TEAM BUILDING, ACCOUNTABILITY & PURE MOTIVATION!

Where Maxwell-Gill Hall 131 High Street, Sabattus We feature 19 Local Crafters/Vendors including Oakhill Young Writer's Club and Loaves and Fishes Food Pantry.

Come in for a Lobster Roll lunch, we will be serving a delightful menu throughout each day. The main attraction for our parish fundraising is our basket raffle, where we raffle off themed baskets including gift cards and donations from local businesses. Don't forget our 50/50 and Bake Sale.

The Drawing will be on Saturday at 2:30pm, but you do not need to be present to win.

If you are interested in a table at the fair, contact Angela at adobson@une.edu.

Send us your photos!

Cost: $200 non SPRQ members $150 SPRQ Punch card holders $100 SPRQ Unlimited members Save $20/ per person if you sign up with a team of 3+

We’ll get you published.

cost includes SPRQ unlimited membership

Contact us at 783.7039, email us at editor@UncleAndys.com or visit us online www.UncleAndys.com

Initial Weigh-Ins are scheduling Nov. 11th -17th Challenge Kicks Off Monday, November 18th All I want is for people to be as excited to see me as they are when finding a curly fry amongst their regular ones.

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Out ’n About Collecting Cans for a Cure

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

The Fontaine Family Team once again teamed up with Q97.9 to collect Cans for a Cure!

This year the Q collected 543,461 cans and bottles! $27,173 will now go to fight Breast Cancer in Maine.

Since 1953

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

SUNDAY

MONDAY

TUESDAY

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Baked Ziti

The Fergy

Meatball Subs

Spaghetti Dinners 1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink

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EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $4.99

Lori Voornas Q97.9 Morning Show Host

I don’t think I can keep this pace with Lori for much longer...

Roger Begin Realtor Come on, Roger.

I could do this all day!

Harriet Cummings Realtor Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Sometimes I get this feeling that my wife is right behind me...

Melissa Field, Claude Fontaine, Karen Gruver, Deb Morin, Roger Begin, Lori Voornas, Harriet Cummings, Jeanne Martin & Crystal Bergeron

Craving Hot peppers? Do you habanero-minded view?

Remembering Our Veteran’s

FREE BURGERS for Veterans on Veterans Day Monday, November 11th Bring your military ID or DD-214 Limit 1 per person

Put Us on Your Christmas List Get a FREE $10 bonus card with every $50 Gift Card Purchase L/A’s Best Steaks

Excellent new menu items including chicken, fish, & pasta entreés Call us for your catering needs

Mac’s Grill 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn 783-6885 macsgrill.com

Pardon our appearance during construction.

Earlybird Special

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UAD

Our expansion will be great when it’s done!

Now that’s different...

Local Restaurants & Entertainment VOTED #1 Casual Restaurant & Best Burgers in L/A area

Book Your Holiday Party Now! Call Terry at 786-0715 about our 80-seat function room for your Holiday Party!

Showing every game all season long... in HD! Come watch your favorite team on our 13 plasma TVs!

HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm • Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight 120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com To speak kindly does not hurt the tongue.

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu

We come everyday!

We love the food, the service & the social interaction!!!

Mim & Dave Thibaudeau Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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"I am!" I said. Said I, "Am I?"

87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out) Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

How I met Your Father

Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.

15% OFF your bill during any home Pirates Hockey Game!

Football Games $8/pitchers

Bud Light, Coors Light & PBR Wing Specials

Lunches

Submitted by Jimbo

$3.99

Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?”

starting at

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“Did you marry him for his money?”

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“Not really,” I replied.

Weddings & Private Parties Up to 200 people•Call for details

“We don't laugh because we're happy -- we're happy because we laugh.”

– William James

Poland Knights Varsity Football “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

Good friends. Great teammates.

“Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any.”

“So,” he said, “you just felt sorry for him.”

My friend forgot his laptop on the floor of my room. My grandma thought it was a scale.

Conclusion: My grandma weighs $950.

Discount Double Check Submitted by Jimbo

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would cost $6 per person.

“However,” he said, “if you’re over 65, the price will be $5.50.”

Graduating seniors: Sam Bridgham, Corey Cunliffe, Austin Davis, Nick Cote (junior), Tanner Marston, Jake Simard & Everett Bertrand Photo credit: Karen Whalen of Picture Perfect Photography Of course I take responsibility for my actions, when they are not someone else's fault.

From the back of the congregation, a woman shouted, “Do you really think I’d give you that information for only 50 cents?”

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Working Hard or Hardly Working Submitted by Jimbo

Uncle Andy was considered a star at the computer company where he worked. He made a six-figure salary and routinely received excellent performance reviews.

And now we know why: Without his boss’s knowledge, Uncle Andy had outsourced his entire job to a company in China—for a fifth of his salary. He then spent his days at his desk playing games, shopping on eBay, and watching cat videos.

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Try Us For Dinner! Eat-In or Take-Out FREE Delivery within 10 miles All Month: Hot Open Faced Turkey Sandwich (Roasted Turkey, Gravy, Stuffing, Cranberry Sauce, Mashed Potato on top of homemade bread & Veggie)

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Homemade Desserts All Month Bring a non-perishable item to help us make Thanksgiving Baskets to help those in need. Receive any drink for $1* *Once per customer per day.

128 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls

345-7040 Chad & Roxanne Pearl, owners

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

To. To who?

No, to whom.

Entertainment Lineup Nov. 1st . . . .DJ Scotty Dawg Nov. 2nd . . .Midlife Crisis Nov. 8th . . .Relay Races Nov. 9th . . .DJ Will Nov. 15th . . .Skosh Nov. 16th . .DJ Scotty Dawg Nov. 22nd . .Jukebox Night Nov. 23rd . .DJ Will Nov. 29th . .DJ Boom Boom Nov. 30th . .DJ Scotty Dawg

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

By the Numbers Submitted by Jimbo

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

“Doc, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.

“Have you tried counting sheep?” asks the doctor.

“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

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Please see page 14 to read all about it.

Out ’n About at Isabelle’s Challenge at Hair by Gregory’s

Kelly Soracco (owner of Hair by Gregorys), Tina Dowd, Kimberly & Greg Jalbert pose with Isabelle with her new style

Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.

Half of Americans can't do math, and the other two-thirds don't care.

Levesque join Whalen Law Firm

Join us for our 50th Anniversary Celebration

Kim Levesque

h t 6 1 r e Novemb

, y a d r t h u g t i n d Sa i –M 8pm

• We’ll be announcing the winner of the all expenses paid trip to the Dominican!

• DJ playing popular 50’s music all night!

• Come in your best Sock Hop outfit - you could win a prize for best outfit!

• Hula Hoop contest • Elvis impersonation contest & More!

• Cotton Candy, Popcorn, Great Drink Specials

Come see us for Lunch or Dinner all month!

We appreciate our customers – THANK YOU for 50 years!

Come Celebrate with us!!

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?

John Whalen, Esq. of Whalen Law Offices in Lewiston is pleased to announce the addition of Attorney Kimberly A. Levesque to the practice.

Attorney Levesque, who grew up in the Lewiston Auburn area and lives in Monmouth with her husband and children, is a graduate of the University of Maine School of Law and is admitted to practice in Maine.

Attorney Levesque brings extensive critical thinking and extraordinary energy and commitment to the firm along with twenty years of experience in healthcare management and radiologic technology.

At the Whalen Law Offices,Kim intends to grow her practice of estate planning, domestic relations, personal injury, and landlord/tenant matters, while expanding her talents to elder law, corporations, and real estate law.

Attorney Levesque looks forward to hearing from you and can be reached by phone at (207) 786-0346 or by email at: kim-whalenlaw@myfairpoint.net.

See their ad on page 52.

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Hunting Experience

Some large clouds store enough water for 500,000 showers.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

It was Saturday morning and Anna, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. She walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to her surprise she finds her husband, Uncle Andy, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Anna asks him, "What are you up to?"

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? “Doing business without advertising is like winking in the dark... You know what you’re doing but nobody else does!”

– Jay Conrad Levinson Guerrilla Marketing

Uncle Andy smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Anna, though she has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take him along.

Let Uncle Andy’s Digest shed some light on your business and next thing you know they’ll be demanding a curtain call.

They arrive at the hunting site. Anna sets Uncle Andy safely up in the tree stand and tells him: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Anna walks away with a smile on her face knowing that Uncle Andy couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when she is startled as she hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Anna starts running back. As Anna gets closer to her stand, she hears Uncle Andy screaming, "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Anna races faster towards her

’s l Maine Centra pular o most p ion! at public

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST 207.783.7039 • UncleAndys.com

Social m at it’s edia best!

(continued on next page)

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Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch TV for 3 hours!

(continued from previous page)

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.

WE’RE BETTING You’ll LOVE our food!

We’re right on the way to the casino, stop in for a bite.

Wall of Fame Inductee!

Family-style restaurant serving breakfast & lunch every day!

I did it!

Can you?

Home of the Double Yolker

Egg-ceptional Restaurant

Mac Lovely-Perfetta of Mechanic Falls

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577

How do they know each snowflake is different, not just reincarnated each winter?

Cigars are back!

Check out our great selection Next NRA Pistol Course is Nov. 23rd.

Call for Sign up

J.T. REID’S GUNS Call for the next N.R.A. Pistol Course

Full Line Gunsmith Service Jamie Pelletier, Manager

jtreidsgunshop.com

We buy, sell & trade

86 Court St., Auburn 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat John Reid, Owner 777-3579

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight.

These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

screaming husband.

And again she hears him yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where she had left Uncle Andy, Anna is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, buddy, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"'

Did You Know?

The city of St. Petersburg, Russia, was founded in 1703 by Peter the Great, hence the name, St. Petersburg. But it wasn't always that simple. In 1914, at the beginning of World War I, Russian leaders felt that Petersburg was too Germansounding. So they changed the name of the city to Petrograd -to make it more Russian-sounding. Then, in 1924, the country's Soviet Communist leaders wanted to honor the founder of the Soviet Union, Vladimir I. Lenin.

The city of Petrograd became Leningrad and was known as Leningrad until 1991 when the new Russian legislators -- no longer Soviet Communists -wanted the city to reflect their change of government.

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Out ’n About at the Dempsey Challenge

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Doctor’s Note Submitted by Jimbo

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”

The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

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When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.

Out ’n About at the Dempsey Challenge

If the world really did revolve around you, wouldn't you get awfully dizzy?

Great Daily Specials Plus lots of everyday grocery items • Deli • Lottery Tickets Monday: Ham Italian sm. $1.59 lg. $2.59 Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza $3.99 Wednesday: Chicken Salad sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49

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I don't want to tell lies, but I do want to keep my job. – Uncle Andy

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(excluding alcohol)

Before or After any Hockey Game

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I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

UAD

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For the Love of Dogs & our Veterans Submitted by Jimbo

They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie, as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.

But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn't look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.

But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes and a sealed letter from his previous owner.

See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.

I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, (continued on next page

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People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

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Lost and Found Submitted by Thomas Hill

Two men were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.

The first hunter tells the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour.

That way I can pinpoint you and find you."

After about three hours, the second hunter

finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.

The next morning, the first hunter finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks his friend if he did as instructed.

The hunter answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

My room is not messy; It’s an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.

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Thanksgiving was first celebrated in the U.S. in 1789.

(continued from previous page)

If I was a turkey, I’d be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.

UNBEATABLE BREAKFAST SPECIALS TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast.................$4.25

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Winter is coming, get your vehicle ready!

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845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn Luther Crowell invented the paper bag in 1867.

"let's see if your previous owner has any advice."

To Whomever Gets My Dog: Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie's new owner. I'm not even happy writing it. He knew something was different. So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.

First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier.

Sometimes I think he's part squirrel, the way he hoards them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. Hasn't done it yet.

Doesn't matter where you throw them, he'll bound after them, so be careful.

Don't do it by any roads.

Next, commands. Reggie knows the obvious ones --"sit," "stay," "come," "heel."

He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody's business.

Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.

He's up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car. I don't know how he knows when it's time to go to the vet, but he knows.

Finally, give him some time. It's only been Reggie and me for his whole life.

He's gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn't bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.

And that's why I need to (continued on page 42)

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One 75-watt light bulb gives off more light than three 25-watt light bulbs.

NOW OPEN!

DAD’S PLACE REDEMPTION Located in the building behind Dad’s Place

Bottle Drives Welcome!

Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm (closed Tuesdays & Holidays)

Watch for Upcoming Specials & Coupons in Uncle Andy’s Digest There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place

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All Accounted For

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, “Beer, please, and one for the road.”

Submitted by Jimbo

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

#7

"You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded.

"What other woman?"

Adam shot back.

"You’re it!"

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.

#8

"What are you doing?"

"Counting your ribs."

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Contest starts on page 6. Play along and you could win a $25 GAS CARD courtesy of Dad’s Place!

One beaver can cut down as many as 216 trees per year.

THE BEAR NECESSITIES Primitive Home Decor & Gift Shoppe Enter a world of a simpler time... As you enter our shoppe, you are embraced with warm scents and a great selection of primitive, colonial and country home decor, custom made furniture and needful things!

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35 Vernon Street, Auburn 786-0992

(continued from page 39)

share one more bit of info with you...His name's not Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn't bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this ... well it means that his new owner should know his real name. His real name is "Tank." Because, that is what I drive.

I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've left Tank with... and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter ... in the "event" ... to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he'd do it personally. And if you're reading this, then he made good on his word.

Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he loved me.

If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.

All right, that's enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. Maybe I'll peek in on him and see if he

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.—Henny Youngman

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(continued on next page

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s Alway g n i y u B

Disney World is a people trap set by a mouse.

(continued from previous page)

What was Captain Hooks name when he had two hands?

BATTERY & CORE Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler We have switched from TD Bank and are now using Norway Savings Bank.

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Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.

finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.

Good luck with Tank.

Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight - every night from me.

Thank you, Paul Mallory I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure, I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer. I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.

"Hey, Tank," I said quietly.

The dog's head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright. "C'mere boy."

He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name he hadn't heard in months.

"Tank," I whispered. His tail swished. I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into his scruff and hugged him. "It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek. "So whatdaya say we play some ball?" His ears perked again. "Yeah? Ball?

You like that? Ball?"

Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room. And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth. ■ Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Out ’n About at the Dempsey Challenge Just stretching it out, I’ll be ready for my photo in a minute...

If money did grow on trees, autumn would be the best season ever!

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Veteran’s Day is Nov. 11th Thanksgiving is Nov. 28th

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457

www.annsflower.com Ah, Thanksgiving! The day that everyone is thankful -- except those on a diet.

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Half-time Work Submitted by Jimbo

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When I interviewed for a job six months after my 70th birthday, I was asked my age.

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Leafing through Madison, Wisconsin’s Capital Times, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone.

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Reading Assignment Submitted by Jimbo

Our professor had run through some of philosophy’s heaviest hitters: Xenophanes, Anaxagoras, Descartes, Schleiermacher, and Nietzsche.

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“No,” he said. “You’ll just smell like it.”

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Now that’s different...

The good we do today becomes the happiness of tomorrow.

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Remember When Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

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Call us for your FREE quote!

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I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. It wasn’t to be.

Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. When

"Sir," she said, "this is a quilt museum. We give discounts to teenagers."

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Wed.-Fri. 5:30-7:30 • Sat. 10-6 Sun. 11-5 850 Lisbon St. • Lewiston

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Out ’n About at the Dempsey Challenge

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

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Maine Heavy Equipment Service 20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.

Bagels

I never, ever make sweeping generalizations.

Submitted by Jimbo

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"

Autumn -- time to drag out your winter clothes and see what kind of summer fun the moths had.

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The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man.

"One for me and one for Bernice."

"Bernice is your wife?"

Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

OUR TEAM: Debra Lemieux, Ann Crocker, Kerrie Robbins, Abram Treadwell, Alicia Fiori, Susan Bowie, Peter Casey & John Rothwell

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On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment ... halftime.

Empty Threat Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it.

It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I’m so mad, I’m taking you off my pallbearer list!"

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Autumn is a season for big decisions -- like whether or not it's too late to start spring cleaning.

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Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

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I’ve always had a fear of speaking in front of groups of people. It feels good to be finally coming out of my shell.

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

Doh! The characters of Homer, Marge, Lisa, and Maggie were given the same first names as Simpsons creator Matt Groening's reallife father, mother, and two sisters.

Thanks Last Thanksgiving my wife cooked the turkey in a microwave oven.

We had to eat at 7:30 am.

for choosing

us!

Trivia Q: Can you name the 5 Great Lakes?

A: The Great Lakes are Lake Michigan, Lake Huron, Lake Superior, Lake Erie and Lake Ontario.

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Jim’s Rent It

• Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles

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Car accidents, no problem!

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The Great Lakes contain 6 quadrillion gallons of fresh water, one-fifth of the world's fresh surface water.

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The Great Lakes have a combined area of 94,230 square miles larger than the states of New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and Vermont combined.

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"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."

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Congratulations Graduate!

My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.

WELCOME TO THE TEAM! Help us Welcome Kim Levesque to our Firm

See us for: Sarah Kyllonen Sarah Jeanne’s is very proud to announce that Sarah Jeanne Kyllonen has graduated from Capilo Institute of Cosmetology in Augusta.

Sarah is the daughter of the owners, Ron & Jane Kyllonen. The business is named after her and will be celebrating their 20th anniversary in November.

“Being a cosmetologist has always been my dream.

I’ve grown up in the industry watching and learning everything in the salon from my mom. It’s an honor to have graduated from the same school that my mom did,” she shared with UAD. Kyllonen has been educated in advanced cutting and updos with Surface, attended the International Beauty Show in New York City, the Salon Centric Hair Show in Massachusetts and is Marabella bridal make up certified. She has additional education in Paul Mitchell, Matrix, and Chi color systems.

“I strive to make all my clients leave with a smile after having their hair done just the way they want it,” Sarah adds. Book an appointment with Sarah today.

Sarah Jeanne’s is located at 77 Sabattus Street in Lewiston. Call them at 795-6778 or visit them online at sarahjeannes.com.

See their ad on next page.

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Elder Law • Real Estate Law • Estate Planning • Personal Injury & More!

Contact us for your FREE Consultation!

The Law Offices of John Whalen, P.A. 207-786-0346 184 Webster Street, Lewiston

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Hawaii was annexed by the United States as a territory in 1898, and became a state in 1959.

#9

#10 Contest starts on page 6. Play along and you could win a $25 GAS CARD courtesy of Dad’s Place!

Now that I’m older, my memory is a mighty fortress. Nothing penetrates it.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.

I wonder where the complimentary nuts are at?

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Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

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Wife: “Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.”

Husband: “Yes, I did.

But I still prefer the paper.”

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Out ’n About at Epcot Center in Florida

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Discount Home Improvement Store Grand Opening Nov. 16th 9am - 6pm • Donations always accepted (& tax deductible) • All Profits Support Our Ongoing Mission to eliminate substandard housing in Androscoggin & Oxford counties • Sponsorship Opportunities Available for your business • Pick up - Drop off

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521 Federal Road, Livermore • 207.320.2177 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.

A Dime a Dozen

Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.

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Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer ……………. and some of those peanuts.”

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"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk.

"I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."

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Dream Home Submitted by Jimbo

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I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower.

"I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.

My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don’t worry," she said.

"They’ll only look once."

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Small Business Submitted by Thomas Hill

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES. The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE. At the local nudist colony, two men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, “I say, have you read Marx?”

The other replies, “Yes, I believe it’s these wicker chairs.”

I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets.

That's how I lost my mind.

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A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat.

Where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”

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Jan. 19, 1896 the first music patent was granted. The man who received it said he got it for a song.

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.

Out ’n About at the Dempsey Challenge

What we need is more cowbell...

In equations with square numbers I can never find the root of the problem.

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Out ’n About at the Dempsey Challenge

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

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Please mention coupon before appointment

Expires 12.31.13

Expires 12.31.13

Come join us for Ladies Night!

Saturday, November 23rd • 6 – 8:30pm Local vendors with lots of great holiday gift ideas!

She does a great impression of the Queen’s wave...

SHEILA’S HAIR SALON

Hours: Tues. - Fri. 9am-6pm • Sat. 9-2

5 South Main Street, Mechanic Falls

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If the customer is always right, then why isn’t everything free?

When in doubt, look intelligent.

Contest starts on page 6. Play along and you could win a $25 GAS CARD courtesy of Dad’s Place!

A great magazine to take where ever you go!

Awesome Holiday Ideas • Wine glasses printed w/ your logo • Beer Mugs & Water Bottles • Pens • Wearables • Calendars & More!

Call today for a FREE quote!

#11

Addictive Advertising Specialties All kinds of Promotional Products!

786-0725 addictivead@aol.com

#12

#13

Counseling Services Accepting New Clients All Ages, families & Veterans Welcome Andy Jarman, LCPC

624-1132

Trauma counseling through EMDR & DBT

1288 Roosevelt Trail • Ste 5B (back of building) • Raymond Forgive your enemies—if you can’t get back at them any other way.

– Franklin P. Jones

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Out ’n About at the Dempsey Challenge

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Is Your Website Friendly?

“72% of consumers want Mobile-Friendly websites.” – Google Research Websites that aren’t mobile-friendly annoy users and that’s bad business!

We offer...

Mobile friendly websites you can afford!

GET YOUR BUSINESS THE ATTENTION IT DESERVES! Consumers are doing more business on mobile devices, including shopping and product research. They are more likely to buy online when the site meets their mobile needs.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

Call TOD AY to get yo ur mobile-f riendly site!

UADwebsites.com • 783-7039 A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime.

Contest starts on page 6. Play along and you could win a $25 GAS CARD courtesy of Dad’s Place!

#14

#15

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Certain fireflies emit a light so penetrating that it can pass through flesh and wood.

I just wish pictures and mirrors could agree on what I actually look like.

Cemetery Plot Submitted by Jimbo

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

Knock Knock!

Who’s there?

Ken. Ken who?

Ken you let me in?

Boring Request Submitted by Jimbo

The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very specific guidelines. “Nothing fragrant,” she instructed. “Nothing too tall or too wild. And no bright colors, please.

My house is decorated in beige and cream.

Here is a wallpaper sample.” She handed me a plain square of tan-colored paper.

“Your name?” I asked.

“Mrs. Bland,” the woman replied.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

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The Turkey Farmer

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.

Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.

"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don’t know," said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

Anxious Poodle Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210

Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President

(207) 784-6413 Lincoln’s Gettysburg address was given in November 1863.

If Bull crap were a penny a pound... with Andy Marsh, Dick Courtemanche, Joe Adkins & Jimbo Marston How do you work with this guy everyday, Jimbo?

Good thing we had me to carry this team.

Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”

Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

As my mom has said, when one person is unhappy, it usually means two people are unhappy but that one has not come to terms with it yet.

– Mindy Kaling Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Andy, did we use any of your shots today?

That’s a good question, Joe. I’m just shaking my head right now...

The birthstone for November is the topaz.

Hope your Turkey is moist and your stuffing in fluffy and when you're done eating you'll be nice and stuffy.

Second Time Submitted by Jimbo

We’re Thankful For You! Happy Thanksgiving from all of us to all of you!

Buy 3...

Back from L to R: Taylor, Cori, Kelly, Terry & Linda Front from L to R: Jennifer, Michael, Kathy, Tina & Nuria

Watch our Facebook page for a cool contest where we help Kathy pick her new do!

...Get 1 Free*!

*equal or lesser value

392 Center Street, Auburn

786-0112 HairByGregorys.com

Pre-book your next appointment and be entered to win a FREE haircut!

Drawing to be held on 12/01

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

Out ’n About at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli

A woman takes her 16year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda.

She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"

Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

Congratulations on your 6 year anniversary!

I love the food here and the beautiful people who work here!!

Becky Davis, Morris Silverman & Michele Tribou Fleas can jump 50 times their own height, the equivalent of you jumping a 40 story building.

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.

I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

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Out ’n About at the Dempsey Challenge

The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

Tired of how your old deck looks?

Need a new deck?

CALL THE DECK DOCTORS! Stephen Adamczyk, Deck Repair Expert

Call 713-9090

The challenge was met.

Hope has been built.

for your FREE estimate!

Facelift Your Property

The Beast

www.setwright.com

• 100,000 BTU • Heats up to 2,700 sq. ft.

• 22” logs • 3.4 cubicfoot fire box Many other choices available.

Stop in today!

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FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP WOOD • COAL • GAS • PELLET Quiet, clean, elegant stoves.

Several styles to choose from.

1220 Center St., Auburn

784-9249 www.firesidestoveshop.com

Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

Since June 2013

Sincery Janua 3 201

Spiderman

Sandy

Since March 2013

Rubie

FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENT We have 6,000 sq. ft. of indoor heated comfortable play area.

We are the only facility in the state that offers everything for your pup, from daycare to grooming, transportation, dog food and supplies all under one roof!

Est. 2008

No payment contracts! If your dog doesn't come to play, you don't pay!! thedoggzinn@gmail.com • facebook.com/thedoggzinn http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com

Dog Grooming, Daycare & Boutique Maxwell

Kingston

Since May 2013

Shenzi

Sin Octobcee 2013 r

FULL DAYS OF PLAY AS LOW AS

$16 PER DAY!

Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers

65 Washington St., Auburn • 333-3640

Since r mbe Nove 2 201

Insurance Quote

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

Submitted by Jimbo

The insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him how many miles he drives in a year. He said he didn’t know.

"Well, do you drive 10,000 miles a year?" I asked, "or 5,000?"

He said the numbers sounded high. "What month is this?" he asked. I told him it was July.

"Maybe this will help," he said. "I filled the car with gas in February."

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.” – Steven Wright

Looking Good Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven’t changed in 20 years."

"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn’t look like this 20 years ago."

I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail."

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BUILDING AUDIENCES IS WHAT WE DO!

Whether it’s more customers coming thru the door or more LIKES on your business’ Facebook page, we keep it affordable for you to stay consistent with your marketing all year long!

Call the guys who do PRINT & SOCIAL MEDIA marketing better than any other company out there!

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST Standing out from the crowd since 1996!

UncleAndysDigest.com • 783-7039

It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

Out ’n About at the Dempsey Challenge Uncle Andy!

I thought you were retired.

Indiana has a city named Santa Claus.

READY OR NOT. It’s NOT too early to start thinki Attention Landsc apers & Contractors!

That old guy is Uncle Andy?

He looks kinda creepy to me...

Money Sav

We sell bulk san d/salt and straig ht salt.

Call us for yo ur snow removal needs!

20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

784-7944

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It is forbidden for aircraft to fly over the Taj Mahal.

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group.

We never meet.

... IT’S COMING!

ng about the upcoming season!

ving Multi-Year Contracts Available Ask Today!

Commercial Plowing Sanding, Salting Snow Removal Call us for a FREE Quote!

Locally owned and operated since 1970!

Fully Insured • EOE

ntandson.com What do you call a 5 pound songbird in England? Two kilo mockingbird.

Together for Thanksgiving Submitted by Jimbo

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says.

“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced.

Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

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Stone joins Sarah Jeanne’s

The first scientists who studied fog were mistified.

Sarah Stone Sarah Jeanne’s is pleased to announce the addition of Sarah Stone to their staff.

She brings 13 years experience as a Cut and Color Specialist. Sarah has completed advanced training with Vidal Sasson Academy and Tigi & Guy Academy. She also has advanced training in Brazilian Blowouts and CHI Straightening.

“Sarah Jeanne’s utilizes the Brazilian Blowout so if you have always wanted straight, soft, shiny hair, please call me for a FREE consultation,” states Stone.

Sarah has extensive experience with Updos and loves doing them. She believes strongly in continuing education. She has recently attended classes with Crew, Chi, Paul Mitchell, Sexy Hair Concepts, Aquage, Pravana, Surface and BioSilk.

Stone adds, “I love working at Sarah Jeanne’s because it is a family owned business that promotes a "family" work environment.

Their customers always come first and they value their employees.”

Sarah welcomes previous clients to stop in for a visit and is accepting new clients.

Sarah Jeanne’s is located at 77 Sabattus Street in Lewiston. Call them at 795-6778 or visit them online at sarahjeannes.com.

See their ad on page 53.

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Incredible High speed photography

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The man who survives mustard gas and pepper spray, is a seasoned veteran.

Where Babies Come From Where did the whole business of the stork delivering babies come from?

Come see & design your own KOHLER Artifacts faucet.

Partnering with Professionals Showroom Hours: Mon. Tues. Wed.Fri. 8am 4:30pm Open Thurs. until 6PM APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED

3 Middle Street, Lewiston showroom.redlon-johnson.com

Make an appointment with our showroom consultants to get easy access to a “World of Choices,” ideas and advantages.

Glenda Mitchell: 514-1136 • gmitchell@redlon-johnson.com Tim Fox: 514-1137 • tfox@redlon-johnson.com Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

Out ’n About at a Poland HS football game on 10.18.13

To avoid the details of conception and childbirth, Scandinavian mothers used to tell their children that the stork delivered babies.

The stork was a natural choice for the Scandinavians. Many houses had storks' nests on them, which gave the story credibility in children's eyes. Further adding to the appeal of the stork, is the bird's fidelity. Not only do storks return year after year to the same nests, but they are monogamous too. Storks also take care of their elderly or sick parents, an added benefit for parents trying to develop similar traits in their children. In the 19th century, Hans Christian Andersen popularized the Scandinavian legend by including it in his fairy tales, and in the 20th century, cartoons helped introduce it to children.

Trivia

Back row: Pam Grondin, Beth Bowie, Summer Emery & Allison Emery Front row: Rachel Verrill, Michelle Emery & Jen Kyllonen To learn more about the great things they do visit pinkfeatherfoundation.com

Some people don't like food going to waist.

A: Alvin, Simon, Theodore, and Dave.

The Pink Feather Foundation

Q: Can you name the four main characters from the cartoon series The Chipmunks?

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Are you this busy?

An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.

Introducing our new Pick Up & Drop Off Service!

m Fro

That’s Right... We’ll pick your car up, wash it and return it to you!

Call for details!

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13,490

14,990

Come see us for: • Basic Car Wash all by hand Full Recons Multi-car Discounts Offered Superior Cleaning Products

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2008 Volvo XC90 2.5T

2008 Mazda CX-9 Touring

Leather, Roof, AWD

Leather, Auto, AWD $

10,990

21,490

Satisfaction Guarantee References Available Upon Request

10% OFF

for all Veterans

2007 Nissan Xterra SE

2008 Chevrolet Tahoe LT

Auto, 4WD

DVD, Navigation, 4WD

for the whole month of November!

$

LIQUID SUNSHINE CAR WASH

& DETAIL 865 Sabattus Street Lewiston 333-3004 Hours: Mon- Fri 9:00am - 5:00pm Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm

15,490

2008 Honda Pilot SE Auto, 6 cyl, 4WD

We all know the snow is coming soon! Come test drive one of these great 4x4’s or visit our website to see our entire inventory!!

Find these and a whole lot more on our website:

LakeCityExports.com Top Salesman COLIN DUBE

867 Center St. Auburn 753-0033 Confucius Say: Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have crappy time.