UAD September 2011

Y ea r!

In O u r 16 th

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

.com

The Most Unusual Digest in America

FREE SEPTEMBER 2011

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Division of Labor

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." – Benjamin Franklin

The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage.

The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.

"It's simple," he said.

"Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on."

We are the only Certified OKINAWAN KENPO SCHOOL in the Twin Cities

"And you?"

"I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."

Busy Mom My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?" My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply: "No -- Door! Trust me. I went to college."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

2 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

BACK TO SCHOOL BASH Sat. Sept. 24th, 9am-10am

Basic Karate training, games, relays and prizes. Call for more details.

Lil Ninjas 3-6 years Kids 7-12 years Adult Kickboxing

Pelletier’s Karate Academy I-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s) Email: pelledojo@aol.com • www.pelletierskarate.com

786-3731

I'm surprised that the hip-hop culture hasn't caught on with rabbits.

Just Desserts: The worst thing about getting hit in the face with Pi is it never ends.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

SEPTEMBER 2011 Saturday, Sept 3th Holy Cross KC Breakfast 4:30pm – 6:30pm (Chapter 12907) 607 Lisbon St., Lewiston $4.50 Member $6.00 Guest Wednesday, Sept 7th Roy’s Allsteak Hamburger 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 14346) Center St, Auburn $4.50 Member $5.00 Guest Sunday, Sept 11th KC Breakfast 8am – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Dr, Brunswick $4.00 Member $5.00 Guest Child/under 10 free Wednesday, Sept 14th Chickadee 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 12749) Turner St, Auburn $7.50 Member $8.50 Guest Thursday, Sept 22nd Rolly’s Diner 7am – 10am (Chapter 14437) 87 Mill St, Auburn $3 Member $4 Guest Sunday, Sept 25th Flagship Cinema (Chapter 8609) Lewiston/Auburn $4.50 Member $5.50 Guest Sunday, Sept 25th KC Breakfast 8am – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Dr, Brunswick $4.00 Member $5.00 Guest Child/under 10 free Tuesday, Sept 27th Pizza Hut 11:30 – 1pm (Chapter 10929) Rt 26, Norway $4.00 Member $5.00 Guest Wednesday, Sept 28th (Chapter 10589) 156 East Ave. Lewiston High School $7.50 Member $8.50 Guest

800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn

Chickens should learn to talk because nobody ever said let's go get a bucket of parrot.

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Please Note: Prices, Dates and Menu Are Subject To Change. If Additional Info Is Needed, Please Call Our Office, Please Do Not Call Restaurants. All Activities Can Only Be Attended At The Times Listed. ***************************** Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday 9am 4pm and Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). FMI call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

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Uncle Andy’s Digest

I'm sorry for not communicating but sometimes it's hard to write on a moving planet.

MAILING ADDRESS:

PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL:

editor@UncleAndys.com

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PHONE: 207 FAX: 207

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Joe & Mike Adkins

The Event You don't need a twitter account cause Chuck Norris is already following you.

MAGGIE JOYCE The Taxi

MARTY DOW

I’ll pay you

The Broker

CASH

Uncle Andy’s Digest

for your antiques!

is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

4 SEPTEMBER 2011

783-7039

Auction Company

Antiques, House Attics, Basement Items, One Item or Entire Estates • Complete Cleanouts Available Sports Items, Guns, Military Items

State & Federally Licensed

Uncle Andy’s Digest is not responsible for typographical errors that may occur in advertisements.

DAN BOYD

Dan Boyd

998-4083 or 754-1009 Is the Origami Society still around? I heard they folded.

I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.

Sound of Music A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin.

The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What musicʼ” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording.

“Madam,” he whispered is that your son?”

“No, she replied.

“Thatʼs Jascha Heifetz.

But my son sounds just like him.”

Fish Story Submitted by Maggie Joyce

Travis was describing a 30-pound bass he'd caught recently, after fighting it for three hours.

Jimbo interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Travis replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting!"

The most damaging phrase in the language is: 'It's always been done that way.'

– Grace Murray Hopper

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

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Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

Look!

Here they come now..

Planet of the Apes: I can't believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.

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Boarding Available 528 Lincoln Street, Lewiston

If you watch an Apple store get robbed you are an iWitness?

Ces gars au-dessus de moi sont comme deux petits pois dans une gousse!*

Broad Street Band Central Maine’s Premiere Classic Rock Dance Band WEDDINGS • PRIVATE FUNCTIONS • BIRTHDAY PARTIES COMPANY OUTINGS • AND MORE! Sept. 2 @ Schemengees, Lewiston Sept. 9 @ Lost Valley, Auburn Sept. 24 @ Cuddy’s Tavern, Brunswick Sept. 29 @ Poland Spring Inn Oct. 1 @ Fastbreaks, Lewiston Oct. 7 @ Schemengees, Lewiston

*English translation: Those guys above me are like two peas in a pod!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

6 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

207-754-6462 cbroad@roadrunner.com

Hire us for your holiday party!

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– Paul Harvey

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to exit this airplane.

– Unknown flight attendant

Opening in September Check out our website or Facebook page for exact date

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

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www.benoitsbakery.com When a minister rehearses his sermon is he practicing what he preaches?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

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You might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the "TRUE" story.

“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” – Napoleon Bonaparte

Submitted by Glen Gisel

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

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SKILLS & DRILLS BASKETBALL Ages 4-6 Registration:Members Sept. 26, non-members Oct. 3 Starts:Oct. 17 - Dec. 7

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YOUTH FIELD HOCKEY Pee Wee Division

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Grades K-2

Sep. 7-Oct. 15, Wednesdays 5:15-6:15pm, Location TBD Junior & Intermediate Divisions Juniors Grades 3 & 4, Intermediates Grades 5-8

Wednesday evenings 5:15-6:15pm, Sept. 7-Oct. 12 and Saturday mornings 9:00-11:00am, Sept. 10-Oct. 15 Location TBD Players must provide their own stick, shin guards, and mouthpiece.

Register today at the Y - Members can register online!

AUBURN-LEWISTON YMCA • AUBURN (Next to the County Courthouse)

207 795 4095 • www.alymca.org

(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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As I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I think to myself, "This place obviously wasn't named by a real-estate developer.

New Auburn Business District 9 Third Street, Auburn

Jennifer Kritzer Owner / Stylist

376-4822

Women’s Wash & Cut

Men’s Clipper Cut

10

Julie Dionne Stylist

Hours: Monday 10-7; Tuesday 9-5; Thursday 10-7; Friday 9-5; Saturday 9-3 • Closed Wednesday & Sunday

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ANDY’s Baked Beans & Tavern “We would like to say Thank You to our family, friends, and loyal customers for supporting us these past 25 years. If it wasn’t for you, we would never have been so successful!

We wish the best to the new owners Kathy, John, Victor and Celeste on their new adventure. Please stop by and congratulate them and make them feel as welcome as you did with Leroy and me. There are some renovations coming but our famous traditional baked bean specials are staying the same.

We love all of you and again, thank you so much!” –Bev

Leroy & Bev

47 Broad Street, Auburn • 782-9044

LOBSTER CLAM BAKE $

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We ship anywhere in the US

If we were any fresher you’d have to slap us!

22 Mill St., New Auburn 782-3150 Open daily 9am-6pm

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

(continued from previous page)

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring merchants from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP) But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, (NERDS.) And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one (continued on next page)

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SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

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(continued from previous page)

noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

New Auburn Business District

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Q: What do you like the most about Rolly’s?

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay As it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

I like the atmosphere... the friendly waitresses, great service and amazing decorations.

Duncan Webster

I’ve been coming here for 15 years & I still haven’t figured out what I like the best. Everything is great at Rolly’s!

Rosaire LaFontaine

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

And that is how it all began.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

10 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out) Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

NEXT DA Y DELIVER Y IN L/A!

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

Towels, Tissues & Dispensers

Sorbents & Safety Supplies Textile & Paper Wipes

Janitorial Supplies & Can Liners

Chemicals & Cleaners

Breakroom & Food Service

Skin Care

Packaging

120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." – Lily Tomlin

New Auburn Business District

Camp of Rock Scholarship

Fall Men’s School Football, Softball & Soccer Leagues How about looking professional for the Dempsey Challenge?

T-Shirts, Sweats, Ladies’ Clothing, Tops & Bottoms

Roller Skating = Family Fun Fall schedule starts September 10th Thursday Night

Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm

Friday Night

Skate/Dance (teens) 7:30 - 9:30 - 10:30

Sat. & Sun.

1:30 - 4:00pm

Saturday Night

Family Night 7:30 - 10pm

Sunday Night

All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm

Reserve your Birthday Party NOW!

Find us on Facebook Dan Larrivee & Rachel Potvin, Owner/Operators

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940 • www.rollodrome.com

WOW!

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

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12

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

"To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it."

– Josh Jenkins

gave MacKenzie Tufts a scholarship to attend the Camp Of Rock this year.

We picked her because of the effort she put into the application, she plays multiple instruments, she plays in her school band, and her desire to rock!

We also put an electric guitar in her hands for the two weeks so she could have a quality guitar to ROCK OUT with!

Camp of Rock is a summer music camp for kids ages 7-17. Each year for 2 weeks, director Brian Gagnon assembles a rock band made up of kids with varying ability on their instruments, and teaches them how to play a variety of rock tunes.

They learn the finer points of performing, improvising, setting up a stage, hauling gear, and recording. They have had the pleasure of working with many local amateur and professional musicians.

Q: What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?

A: A fun-gi.

Screenprinting and Embroidery 85 Third St., Auburn • 753-1177 • www.varsitylettering.com

MAIN STREET MUSIC LESSONS

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 11

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Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

Look, ma!

No hands!!

Large Dagwood Sub $4.59 3 pc. Roadies Chicken Tender Dinner $5.49 Large 2-Topping Fresh Dough Pizza $10.89 Survey says 10 out of 10 people who attended the Dance Party Under the Stars saw the Big Dipper!

Up on the rooftop...

Click, click, click.

Noah kept his bees in archives.

PROPANE We offer a straight-forward approach to our propane pricing... no up-front deals or hidden costs, just plain everyday consistent pricing! Call us for more details.

• Our System Guard Plans Are Still Available!

• Budget Plans For Both Oil & Propane “Delivering Comfort you Can Count On”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

12 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Life has become so complex that not even teenagers have all the answers anymore.

"In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield."

– Warren Buffett

Everything I need to know I learned from a cow...

1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

7. It's better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

PARTS • SALES • SERVICE

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

We are the area’s newest distributor for Fisher Plows.

We have a large selection of parts and entire plow assemblies. Whichever you decide, we are now under one roof and our service is second to none!

10. Always let them know who's the bossy.

Morrison & Sylvester 1175 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME 04210 783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net

11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

Q: How many cheeks do you have?

A: Four…count them.

Stars clean themselves with meteor showers.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 13

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston

I just checked the health/weight chart at the gym and it turns out that I'm four inches too short.

THE SHOP AUTO SERVICE AND CLASSIC CAR RESTORATION

A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

Another top notch full restoration by The Shop 1970 Pontiac Lemans

Ay, Uncle Andy’s is here... Alright!

Call us for all your classic car restoration & service 304 Lisbon St., Lisbon • 353-6100 Mike Smith, owner

www.theshopclassicrestoration.net • theshop@roadrunner.com

Baseball cards have been around since 1886. Modern cards, with high-resolution color photographs on the front and player statistics on the back, date from 1953. The photos are taken in the spring, with and without team caps, just in case the player is traded to another team.

Many Japanese golfers carry "hole-in-one" insurance, because it is traditional in Japan to share one's good luck by sending gifts to all your friends when you get an "ace." The price for what the Japanese term an "albatross" can often reach $10,000.

"Diddle for the middle" is a slang expression used for the start of a darts game. Opposing players each throw a single dart at the bull's eye. The person who is closest starts the game.

E

RATES HAVE FALLEN!

Auto & Recreation Loans as low as

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Great Falls Federal Credit Union

34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 753-0500 www.greatfallsfcu.com

*Member eligibility required, qualifications & restrictions may apply, no in-house refinancing, annual percentage rate.**Most cases.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

14 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Today, I diversified my portfolio - I buried half in a Folgers can in the front yard and the rest in a Ziplock out back.

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." – Steven Wright

Leaving the Farm A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

$3,411 2002 FORD ESCAPE Front Wheel Drive • Automatic Excellent Condition!

OIL CHANGE

$21.95

Up to 5 qts.

Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)

Mike Morin’s Auto Center “A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433

The granddaughter, about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?".

With her last breath, granny whispered, "Facebook..."

Q: I asked the assistant in the hardware store, "How much will one cost?" "Twenty cents" she replied.

"And how much will twelve cost?" I asked.

"Forty cents." she replied. "OK, I'll take one hundred and twelve." How much did I pay?

A: Only 60 cents.

I needed 3 numbers for my house number...

112.

It’s never too early to get your car ready for winter!

Buy a WETSUIT & add two months to your Maine summer water sports!

Starting at $69 Plenty of stock • Rentals also available

Lifetime Warranty • Free Estimates Free Pickup and Delivery

B arcla y s Ski n divers Paradis e 685 Washington Street, Auburn

784-7300 Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You answer the door before people knock.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 15

Out ’n About at The Hilton Garden Inn for a fundraising event

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

Supporting Vivian St. Ongeʼs ride in the Dempsey Challenge for Team C.U.R.E.

General Family & Cosmetic Dentistry

Eugene Kim, DDS

$

25 GAS CARD for every new patient (cleaning, exam & X-rays) Expires 9/30/11. Not valid with any other offers.

E

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

16 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.

The face of a penny can hold about thirty drops of water.

Out ’n About at The Hilton Garden Inn for a fundraising event Supporting Vivian St. Ongeʼs ride in the Dempsey Challenge for Team C.U.R.E.

ALL MONTH LONG!

4 PA

New PLOWS have arrived and are ready to go!

When a female horse and male donkey mate, the offspring is called a mule, but when a male horse and female donkey mate, the offspring is called a hinny.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 17

Laws of Household Physics Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as all other laws of the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.

September Specials 2007 Chevrolet Avalanche LT

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7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

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2006 Ford F150 XCab 4X4

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5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

2007 Ford Explorer Sport Trac XLT 4X4

2004 GMC Yukon XL 4X4

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8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10. What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used Rice Krispies.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

18 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

200 Auburn Road in Turner • 225-2694 • 4 miles north of Auto Mile

www.kryauto.com The Skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radios newscast about the wreck.

The Professor's real name was Roy Hinkley, Mary Ann's last name was Summers and Mrs. Howell's maiden name was Wentworth.

Out ’n About at The Hilton Garden Inn for a fundraising event Supporting Vivian St. Ongeʼs ride in the Dempsey Challenge for Team C.U.R.E.

4 PA

Available at:

www.maine-lyaction.com

Q: How many birth days does the average person have?

A: Just one, all the rest are anniversaries.

The Grateful Dead were once called The Warlocks.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 19

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

GOT HEAT?? FREE Pre-winter Checkup With Ad

Got Volvo Problems?

Call Foreign Car Service today!

FOREIGN CAR SERVICE CO. 140 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 782-9300 VolvoSpecialist.net • David Sheloske, Owner

886 Main St. Lewiston • 784-0015 • Open Mon. Wed. Fri. 8:00-4:00

for the whole family

Auburn Mall Eye Care 550 Center Street, Auburn (inside the Auburn Mall)

(207) 782-5030

Tree Removal • Stump Grinding • Pruning • Cabling •

268-3658 or 740-4394 Greenleafwoods.webs.com

Licensed & Insured • 1st Class Arborist •

email: greenleafwoodstreeservice@yahoo.com

Moe Greenleaf, owner

Bucket Truck •

UNDER NEW OWNERSHIP

$

5

OFF Any Oil Change

795-6666

Professional Auto Reconditioning SEPTEMBER SPECIAL

$

We also do: Building, Estate & Foreclosure Cleanouts

740-7944 & Jimbo

20 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

828 Minot Ave. Auburn, ME Fax: 795-8983

Abandoned, Abused & Unwanted Autos • Scrap Metal, Machinery & Equipment

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Minor Repairs $48/hr

Free Estimates •

WE PAY TOP DOLLAR FOR:

DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.

*

125

28 Soper Rd., Durham

Derek Roy – Owner

*Certain vehicles & conditions may have additional charges

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You lick your coffeepot clean.

Cars – Trucks – Boats Motorcycles

Custom Trailer Hitches Sold & Installed Trailer Repairs

Eye Exams & Contact Lenses!

207-402-1155

SAM’S BODY SHOP

Do you want to hear a gruesome story?

10% OFF with this ad

Complete Auto & Truck Repair • Transmission Flush • State Inspections • Complete Front End Work • Tune-ups

• Front End Alignments • Engine Diagnostics • Custom Exhaust • Tires, Batteries

Ron Moon, Manager

207-657-5000

35 Lewiston Rd. • Gray, ME 04039

THE CUMMINGS AGENCY, INC. INSURANCE 9 South Main Street Mechanic Falls, ME •

(207) 345-8711 • 1-800-339-0414

Jeffrey R. Cummings • Nora W. Cummings

Dog gonnit…

We want your business!

Porter

A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."

"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"

He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."

"Perhaps I could help.

What exactly have you done?"

Submitted by Annʼs Flowers Q: Who's bigger: Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger or their baby?

A: The baby, since he is a little Bigger.

Boo

Nessie

AUTOS • HOMEOWNERS MOTORCYCLES • BUSINESS

A farmer planted a pumpkin seed. He watered it and cared for it very well, and soon it grew some, and grew some...

CHECK OUT www.secondchanceboxer.com

Quality Service at an Affordable Price

$

HOURLY SERVICE WITH THIS RATE COUPON

10 OFF

Expires 9-30-11

Why choose New Major Automotive?

We not only diagnose the problem...

WE FIX IT!!

NEW MAJOR AUTOMOTIVE 250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933 • www.majorauto.net

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You can jump-start your car without cables.

OUR BODY SHOP BIG OR SMALL...

WE PAINT THEM ALL

COMPLETE RESTORATIONS OF ANY KIND

See us for your accident, rust or refinishing repairs

OUR SERVICE DEPARTMENT Complete Auto & Light Truck Repairs • State Inspections Shocks • Suspensions • Brakes • Tune-ups • Engine Problems COMPARE! Cost to restore vs.

FREE cost of replacing your auto ESTIMATES 845 Washington St. North, Auburn

782-5500 Dick Courtemanche is so sweet... flowers for all the ladies. My husband could learn a thing or two from him!

There are 35 million digestive glands in the stomach.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

22 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Care Package Accomplishment

To Maine Oxy, Just wanted to say thank you for the care package. It really meant a lot to me. You guys may not realize how much that means to a soldier to have perfect strangers take the time out of their busy lives and put some thought into something for a service member. It could be something as small as saying Thank You and it means the world to us. It is the main reason we as soldiers, marines, airmen, seaman have the drive to continue when times get rough and home seems a million miles away. I can tell you from personal experience being away from family and the simple things...like my truck, I really love my truck, can be difficult sometimes. For me it's not so much as the possibility of taking a bullet or getting blown up, it's being away that is the main sacrifice that really bothers most soldiers. When we get support from the folks back home despite the decision that are being made by the big dogs in the white house, that's what pushes me to wanna deploy time and time again. I don't always know why we deploy and SSG Matthew P. Hamilton think most soldier's don't really know, but they do know that there are amazing 1st Cav Division, U.S. Army people in the good ol' USA that will continue to support us and that makes all the difference. Alright enough of the mushy stuff I am a Staff Sgt in the Army so I can't be too soft. Just to give you an idea of the wonderful weather we have had over Maine Oxy of Auburn here, on average in July and August it stayed around 120-135˚ during the day, and made a difference in about 100 at night...not too bad, you know jacket weather, LOL. In any case you all this soldiers life by take care and be safe and you got a good man running the show. Takes a thoughtful person and a great leader to put something together like this. Also make Robert sending a care package. Here is Matthew’s work more I dont think he gets enough of it... just kidding. Again THANK YOU and letter thanking them... if you have any Military Vets working there shake their hand for me, If it wasn't for them I couldn't serve today.

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: When someone says, "How are you?"

You say, "Good to the last drop."

The band ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their first names (Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, Anni- frid.)

ed “The 2010 AAA Approved Repair Facility of the Year!” t c e Sel With 100% Customer Satisfaction!!

3 Master ASE Technicians QUALITY REPAIRS SINCE 1979 Bob, Steve & John

CARS • LT. TRUCKS • SUVs – We service them all

HORSEPOWER AUTOCARE, INC. 44 Roosevelt Trail, Rt. 302 • Windham • 892-9420 • 1-800-339-9420

Monday - Friday 8am-5pm • www.horsepowerautocare.com

Bring in your

MAINE TEMPORARY

15 DAY Issued

Month

Day Expires

Month

Day

15% OFF

and receive

Any Stereo System

216 Center Street, Auburn Jewelry & parking in www.soundeffectsmaine.com 777-3339 Next to Republic back of building

Appointments Required, Please call first Any Make, Any Model Any Problem…

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out.

This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

E-Message in a Bottle A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.

Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

NO PROBLEM!

$

55/hr. LABOR RATE

A Dollar Per Point

Brad Johnson

Brad’s Precision Auto 333-0364 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

Fully Warranteed & Certified

There are four cars and ten lightposts on the back of a ten-dollar bill.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 23

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

The A&W of root beer fame stands for Allen and Wright.

The Back Forty Sep

Heeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeyyyy yyyyyyyy!

E

TOYOTA HOTLINE 1-800-730-1001 • TO

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

24 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

September Specials

Out ’n About at The Hilton Garden Inn for a fundraising event Supporting Vivian St. Ongeʼs ride in the Dempsey Challenge for Team C.U.R.E.

4 PA

01 • TOYOTA HOTLINE 1-800-730-1001

There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs six times: Indivisibility.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 25

®

Zumba Benefit

"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"

– Steven Wright

2006 GMC Sierra

2004 Saab 95 Aero

for Niky Karamousadakis Hosted by Hot Stuff Tanning Salon When: Friday, September 16, 2011 6-9pm Where: Hot Stuff Tanning and Wellness Center, 81 Manley Rd., Auburn

$

$

15,995 5.3L, V8, 98K, 4X4

5-Speed, Turbo, Loaded

2005 Volvo S60R

2004 GMC Sierra 2500 HD $

12,995

$15 to Dance the Night Away Niky Karamousadakis, owner of Niky's Greek Restaurant in Lewiston, was tragically burned when her oven exploded on her on July 21st. The restaurant is now closed pending Niky's healing process. Niky and her husband, Manoli, pooled their savings to get the restaurant going approximately a year ago. Without Niky in the kitchen, there is no restaurant or income for the family.

Niky's road to recovery will be a long one filled with surgery and therapy.

Please come and show your support for this beautiful woman and her family!

CALL 784 8900 FMI

Q: Why are 1968 pennies worth more than 1967 pennies?

A: Because the 1968 pennies are one penny more than in 1967.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

26 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

7,995

$

14,495

6-Speed Turbo, AWD, 93K, Premium Wheels, Loaded

4X4, 76K, Reg. Cab

Other Inventory 05 Hyundai Santa Fe, Auto, 6 cyl., 4x4, Navy Blue ....................$8495 05 VW Jetta Wagon, 134k, Auto.....................................................$6495 05 Pontiac Grand Prix, 89K, Silver .................................................$7995 04 Chevy AVEO, 39MPG!!, 83k, Gray ............................................$4495 04 VW Golf GLS, 96k, Auto..............................................................$7495 04 VW Jetta GLS, Silver, 6cyl., Turbo, 5-Speed............................$7295 04 VW Passat, 92K, 2.8L, Silver......................................................$7995 04 Pontiac Vibe GT, 6-Speed, Alloys, Loaded...............................$6995 04 Jeep Grand Cherokee, 4.0L 4x4 ...............................................$6995 04 Saab 95, 92K, Turbo, Silver........................................................$7495 03 Jeep Grand Cherokee Selectrac, 4 Wheel Drive .....................$6795 03 Harley Fatboy, Fully Customized, too much to list .............$12,500 03 Honda Element, AWD, Green .....................................................$7795 03 Mini Cooper, manual, 99k, loaded.................................call for price 03 VW Jetta GLS, 2.0L, Blue, 101k, 5-Speed ...............................$5995 03 VW Jetta GLS, 1.8T, 93K, Black .................................................$6795 03 Dodge Neon, 86K, Black ............................................................$4995 02 BMW 325xi, AWD, Auto, 110k, ......................................call for price 02 BMW 330xi, manual, Gray, 6 cyl., AWD, Leather, 95k ......$10495 02 VW Jetta GLX, VR6, 5-Speed, 17" Wheels, Silver .................$5495 02 VW Golf GLS, Red, 5-Speed .......................................................$5000 02 Ford F250, 73k, Auto, 4x4, 8.5’ Fisher plow........................$12995

01 Saab 93 SE, Convertible, Turbo.................................................$5495 01 Audi A4, 1.8T, AWD, 98k, 5-Speed, Black on Black ..call for price 01 Audi A4 1.8T, Silver .....................................................................$4995 00 Saab 93, Black, 111k........................................................call for price 00 Honda Civic, Green ......................................................................$3995 00 Cadillac Escalade, Pewter, Loaded ............................................$5995 99 Saab 95, Black, Auto, Alloys, Turbo, CD ..................................$4495 99 Saab 93, White, 108K .................................................................$4995 99 Volvo S70 T5, Turbo, Auto, Roof, Silver...................................$4495 8’ Boss plow for Ford ........................................................................$2995 26” Lexani wheels ..............................................................................$1995 20” Chip Foos wheels, fit Audi or Mercedes .................................$1995

INDEPENDENTAuto

1298 Sabattus St. Lewiston www.independentauto.me

786-7744

If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

A-PLUS AUTO REPAIR • State Inspections • Rocker Panel Repair • Auto Repair • Reconditioning

Get your vehicles tuned up this fall at A-Plus Auto!

786-0522 41 Millett Drive, Auburn Located in the former Hebert’s Auto Building

Chance

Get it GONE NOW!!

Any part of property cleaned – if you don’t want it, we’ll throw it away…

This is a great time to clean out attics, cellars & garages!

Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition Debris Boilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed

Property Services • Especially Foreclosures Trash outs, Lock changes & secured, Cellars pumped • Demolition (one room or the whole building) Roofing, painting porches and other light repairs

Farrell Enterprises Over 65?

Ask about senior discounts.

Fully Insured • Call for FREE Quote!

782-5300 or 576-2501

For All Your Custom Upholstery Needs Seat Covers • Tonneau Covers Convertible Tops & Headliners Motorcycle & Snowmobile Seats Boat • RV’s • Airplanes & More!

Leo Beaudin

782-3822

CUSTOM UPHOLSTERY 28 Riverside Drive, Auburn

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

Ten Rules for Good Housekeeping 1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

5. Make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later start all over again.

6. To hang up more clothes buy bigger door knobs.

7. Sweep the room with a glance.

8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

Q: What do you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?

A: A chair, a bed and a toothbrush.

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You help your dog chase its tail.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 27

4 PA

Out ’n About at The Hilton Garden Inn for a fundraising event

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

– Anthony Burgess

Supporting Vivian St. Ongeʼs ride in the Dempsey Challenge for Team C.U.R.E.

Thank you to everyone who came out to support this event!

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website

www.donovansauto.com 946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

28 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

We are the people our parents warned us about. – Jimmy Buffett

Jimboʼs not saying that Uncle Andy was a slow developer, but his teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

Katie Rioux $

11,500

$

7,995

2007 Chevy Equinox

2006 Dodge Caravan

90K, AWD, Loaded, Leather

40K, Runs Good 2000 Chevy 6500 Car Carrier, 6-Speed, Diesel . . . . . .$17,995 1994 Chevy 3500 Rack Body, No Dump, Diesel . . . . . .$8,500

$

8,995

2002 Chevy Suburban LT White, 127K

1998 Chevy 1.2 Ton, 4WD, Short Box, 120K, 7½' Minute Mount Plow, Black. 4 Brand New Studded Tires . . . . . . . .$4,500

My dad needed some help selling so I’m back on the payroll... Stop by, call or click to see our awesome inventory!

P $

10,500

$

$

12,500

7,995

2003 Ford F250 Superduty

2004 Ford F250 Superduty

2003 Chevy Trailblazer

Reg. Cab, 4X4, V10, 84k

127K, 4X4, 8’ Plow, Maroon/Silver

3rd Seat, Black, New Tires

M & P AUTO SALES Roosevelt Trail, North Windham • Call Scott Rioux at 892-0932 or 754-4867

www.MandPautosales.com You might be a redneck if… your toilet paper has page numbers on it. – Jeff Foxworthy

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 29

Out ’n About at The Hilton Garden Inn for a fundraising event Supporting Vivian St. Ongeʼs ride in the Dempsey Challenge for Team C.U.R.E.

Autumn is a season for big decisions — like whether or not itʼs too late to start spring cleaning.

v Professional & Experienced Hair Team v Licensed Manicurist/Pedicurist

... to us, you’re more than just a haircut Mon - Fri 9 am - 7 pm Sat 9 am - 3 pm

600 Center Street • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 786-0112

E

There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

– Johnny Carson

Comedy Night Wednesday, Sept. 21st Doors: 6pm • Show: 7pm

Featuring

Bob Marley At the Lewiston Middle School Auditorium 75 Central Avenue in Lewiston Call 777-6066 ext. 219 for tickets

Funds will go to the United Dempsey Challenge Team!

or stop by our Business Office, located at 192 Russell St. in Lewiston.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

30 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Not For Cotton

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You chew on other people's fingernails.

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"

AYURVEDIC WELLNESS CARE A•YUR•VE•DIC Rarely treating the symptoms, Ayurveda cures by removing the cause of disease. It is the oldest surviving complete medical system in the world.

Derived from its ancient Sanskrit roots - 'ayus' (life) and 'ved' (knowledge) Ayurveda literally means "Knowledge of Life". It offers a unique blend of science and philosophy that brings harmony of body, mind and spirit.

"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."

Ayurvedic Wellness can help you with: Pain Management • Arthritis • Bonesetting Stress & Anxiety & more.

Ayurvedic Wellness can: Increase Energy & Stamina • Enhance quality of life Improve memory • Create a sense of peace & well-being & more.

The next day the bill collector tried again.

"Is Fred here today?"

Text or email Chris to learn more or to book an appointment Christopher Harris, 54 High Street, South Paris csharris1@roadrunner.com • 207-332-2424 (text messaging and email preferred)

"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?"

Bolster Monumental Works

"No, Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself.

But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

Monuments & Markers Cemetery Lettering & Cleaning Since 1877

1278 Main Street, Oxford • 743-2673 RS DOO N AT OPE PM 3:00

David J. Pratt Over 30 years experience

KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS

MORE GAMES

• MORE PRIZES • MORE

RY EVE AY ESD N D WE PM 6:30

WINNERS

Up to 48 Cards for $10 Sealed Tickets • W.T.A. • 50/50 Prizes Canteen • Friendly Staff

s Caring i ess! our busin

150 East Ave., Lewiston • 782-9265 Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You don't sweat, you percolate.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 31

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

When two words are combined to form a single word (e.g., motor + hotel = motel, breakfast + lunch = brunch) the new word is called a "portmanteau."

Every Tuesday Night - 5pm-8pm

Pizza Buffet Soup, Salad & Pizza $9.99/pp $5 Children 10 & under 782-2088 150 Mill Street, Lewiston

www.davinciseatery.com

There are 22 stars surrounding the mountain on the Paramount Pictures logo.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 27 YEARS • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections • Exhaust systems

OUR TIRES

Buy 2 NEW Tires A $24 Value!

and receive a

FREE Oil Change*

Expires 9/30/11

#

*5 quarts max, non-synthetic - must have coupon to qualify.

60 Minot Ave • Auburn, ME 04210

782-6666 or 783-2026 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

32 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

Seseme Street character Mr. Snuffleupagas' first name was Alyoisus.

THURSDAYS Line Dancing Lessons 6pm Karaoke 8pm Beer Pong Sign-ups 9pm

Action-packed Thursdays with DJ B-Set at 9:30pm

FRIDAYS

SATURDAYS

LADIES Night Drink Specials

DJ & your favorites in Tribute Bands, Comedy Acts & More!

DJ & Live Local Entertainment

ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP Sat. Sept. 3rd Sat. Sept. 10th Sat. Sept. 17th Sat. Sept. 24th Fri. Sept. 30th

Tickle Rockin’ Roadrunners Boyz Gone Wild See below FMI Maine Stream Band See below FMI THC (Texas Hippie Coalition) See below FMI Featuring Miss Wendy & Local Bands Sat. Oct. 1st Monstah - Classic Rock Sat. Oct. 8th Rustic Overtones See below FMI Sat. Oct. 15th The Misfits Fri. Oct. 21st Sidecar Radio CD Release Party Sept. 17th -

FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS ALWAYS A DJ IN THE PUB !

See below FMI

$100 CASH PRIZE

Boyz Gone Wild 80’s Metal Tribute Band

For Best ‘80s Costume Pre-register on our Facebook Page

Fri. Sept. 30th

Sat. Sept. 24th THC - Texas Hippie Coalition

Sat. Oct. 8th

Featuring Miss Wendy & Local Bands

Metal with a Southern Rock & Roll Spirit

Maine Stream Band Today’s Hottest Hits & Top 40 Music of the 2000’s: J-Lo, Blackeyed Peas, Lady Gaga, Rhianna, & Much More!

Check out their video: http://youtu.be/zjC+HgNEcV0 or: http://thcoutlaw.com

Rustic Overtones & 3 Local Bands Doors Open at 7pm Show Starts at 8pm

Sat. Oct. 15th THE MISFITS

Tickets $15/pp Available at Club Texas & Bull Moose

150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

"Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."

WE PAY YOU! Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler

8.50* Automobile Batteries.....................$ each* Alloy Rims ..................................$15 $260* Catalytic Converters......from $9 to

each* Starters/Alternators..................$4 0/lb.* Computer Green Board Scraps$2.0 Wire, Copper, Brass, Aluminum, Insulated issions.

Electric Motors, Radiators, Transm *Prices subject to change to market

Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

34 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

conditions

15 Pierce Street, Auburn 615-7057 or 795-8887

The longest U.S. highway is route 6 starting in Cape Cod, Massachusetts going through 14 states, and ending in Bishop, California.

The longest recorded Monopoly game was 1,680 hours. That's over 70 days.

is back!!

HUGE KICK-OFF BLOCK PARTY AT:

PEDRO O’ Hara’s Mexican Cantina & Irish Pub 134 Main Street, Lewiston

When:

Friday, Sept. 23rd

Block party starts at 7pm PLENTY OF Indo ors & FREE PARKING Out side Live Music by the L-A Harley Band -8:30 HA PPY HOURar7itas $1.99 Marg ts 50¢ of f A ll Draf 50¢ Wings

FREE FO OD Af ter 9:30pm

En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone.

"Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean-you won't get a signal out here."

"That's okay," she said.

"I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in first class."

The best way to garden is to put on a widebrimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig.

A toddler who was found chewing on a slug. After the initial surge of disgust the parent said, "Well, what does it taste like?"

"Worms," was the reply.

Have you heard of the garlic diet?

You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.

People may fail many times, but they become failures only when they begin to blame someone else.

Contact us FMI: 207-786-2822 • WWW.L-AHARLEY.COM

– Unknown

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. – Rodney Dangerfield

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 35

4 PA

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars

Spot, Data's cat on Star Trek: The Next Generation, was played by six different cats.

on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

E

The state with the longest coastline in the U.S. is Alaska.

The St. Laurent & Son Family

Keep reading to find out what they were up to... youʼre not gonna believe it!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

36 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

God is good, but never dance in a small boat. – Proverb

"You'll never get me up in one of those!" declared the caterpillar to the butterfly.

LOCAL • LOCAL • LOCAL

Support Local Business No time to pack lunch?

Many affordable items available right here!

Shop Local $

1.50

Keep $$ Local

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

Try our Breakfast Sandwich Egg, cheese, & ham, bacon or sausage on our own homemade roll!

or our Breakfast Pizza & Donuts made on premises

Georgio’s

wned lly o Loca erated 740 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-2981 & op Open daily 5am-9pm • www.mygeorgios.com

Under the stars we like to...

Dow Events Brings Home Show to Colisee

Travis Dow, Show Organizer, 207.577.2721

On Saturday and Sunday September 24th & 25th, The Maine Home Show, presented by Dow Events LLC, will be held in Lewiston at the Androscoggin Bank Colisee. The show is aimed at showcasing and highlighting the local area businesses and also other companies from around the state related to peoples homes. The Maine Home Show will feature many different businesses from our area who will be offering special show only promotions, information, discounts and giveaways. There will also be interesting & informative seminars going on throughout both days of the show. Every show attendee can also enter a drawing for their choice of a pair of Patriots vs. Jets tickets for the Oct 9th game at Gillette Stadium or a $500 Visa Gift Card Courtesy of Dow Events LLC & The Maine Home Show.

For more information about the show, follow the Maine Home Show on Facebook or Twitter, links to both pages are on the show’s website www.mainehomeshow.com. To showcase your business at the Maine Home Show, please contact show organizer, Travis Dow immediately by calling 577-2721 or emailing sales@mainehomeshow.com. Space is limited and subject to availability.

Deadline for exhibitors is September 19th.

Come out and show your support for, and connect with, local companies on September 24th & 25th at The Androscoggin Bank Colisee, 190 Birch St. in Lewiston at The Maine Home Show.

Show hours are Saturday Sept 24th 9a-5p and Sunday Sept 25th 9a-3p and admission is just $5 for Adults, Children 17 & under are FREE when accompanying an adult. See their ad on page 65.

Poland 2011 Tri-County Babe Ruth Champions

Poland had a great season this year. With a record of 11-3 in the regular season and 4-1 in the play-offs.

Coaches from left to right.

Ed Rabasco, Pat Murphy & David Verreault.

Players, Back row L to R: Caleb Banker, CJ Martian, Luke Johnson, Shawn Murphy, Matt Rabasco, Jared Martel, Austin Boucher & Brook Caron.

Front row L to R: Adam Verreault, Will Bernier & Dan Bernier.

Shawn Murphy was named MVP in the playoffs.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice. – Steven Wright

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 37

Out ’n About at The Hilton Garden Inn for a fundraising event Supporting Vivian St. Ongeʼs ride in the Dempsey Challenge for Team C.U.R.E.

Watch our Facebook Page for info on our

As of 9-9-11

Every Friday 5-7pm

End of Summer Outdoor Bash & Expanded Pub

FREE Appetizer Buffet w/purchase of any alcoholic beverage

Awesome Daily FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS

...we’re doubling in size!

Save the Date: Saturday, Oct. 1st

OKTOBERFEST!!

Outside under the tents • 3 Bands!

Hosted by Beyond the Fall

DON’T FORGET... Live Entertainment Every Thursday thru Saturday

Irish Twins Pub Hours: Tues.& Wed. 3pm-close • Thurs. & Fri. 11am-close • Sat. 4pm-close

743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s)

Now Accepting Students

Different Definitions...

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

786-6861

Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Raisin: A grape with a sunburn.

25 Mary St. Lewiston

Teaching at EVERY LEVEL

Dog Grooming Daycare & Boutique

65 Washington St., Auburn, ME 04210

(207) 333-3640

Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products Est. 2008

• Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers

The only cage-free facility offering 6,000 sq. ft. of comfortable inside play area in addition to 20,000 sq. ft. of outside play area!

FUN & SAFE PLAY ENVIRONMENT thedoggzinn@gmail.com• www.facebook.com/thedoggzinn

http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com COMING SOON: DOG TRAINING CLASSES & DOG BIRTHDAY PARTIES!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

38 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."

– Charles Dudley Warner

2-Way Mirrors

9/30/11

30% to 50% OFF leftover products, outerwear, boots, bindings We have plenty of leftover skateboards, shoes, and accessories in stock, too!

Super Specials throughout September

This is the time to stop in and save!!

1 Garfield Road, Auburn • 344-6622

Main Street Music Lessons & Instrument Repair 134 Main Street, Auburn

376-3376 mainstreetmusiclessons.com

Authorized Service Center

NEW 2012 PRODUCTS ROLLING IN DAILY

When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms, changing rooms, etc., how many of you know for sure that the seemingly ordinary mirror hanging on the wall is a real mirror, or actually a two-way mirror? Just conduct this simple test: Place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective surface and if there is a GAP between your fingernail and the image of the nail, then it is a GENUINE mirror.

However, if your fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES the image of your nail, then BEWARE, for it is a twoway mirror.

The outdoor temperature can be estimated to within several degrees by timing the chirps of a cricket. It is done this way: count the number of chirps in a 15-second period, and add 37 to the total.

The result will be very close to the actual Fahrenheit temperature. This formula, however, only works in warm weather. (Try it!)

Music Lesson Central 8 teachers offering lessons in: Guitar, piano, bass, voice, banjo, mandolin, violin, brass & woodwinds & music theory BAND INSTRUMENTS, ORCHESTRA INSTRUMENTS & ACCESSORIES ON SALE NOW! We carry quality new & used instruments

Picks • Strings Tuners Metronomes

Arthur Melendy & Steve Grenier

We know you’ve been anxiously wanting to know since the teaser on page 36...

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: Instant coffee takes too long.

St. Laurent & Son took the whole crew skydiving!

Gary, Randy & Rick St. Laurent

Boys, give me thumbs up if you’re ready to DO THIS!!

Paul Moreau

Holy crap!

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

Service Rental Sales

Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. Big Jim & Bobby

111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

We want to be the easiest part of your week!

Your local option for outsourcing your payroll...

Payroll Management has been serving the payroll needs for small and mid size companies since 1989.

Wahoo!!

LET’S DO THIS!!!

PAYROLL MANAGEMENT, INC.

100 Manley Road, Auburn 783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

40 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

LOCALLY OWNED AND OPERATED

on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston

September Special

$

1 OFF

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

Fresh Mozzarella Sandwich

I wasn’t really on the guest list, but who’s gonna know?

Welcome Back Students!!

Gluten-Free Wraps & Soups

Ask about our new REWARDS CARD!

Breakfast served all day!

HOURS: Mon.-Sat. 7am-9pm; Sun. 10am-8pm

600 Turner Street, Auburn

784-3434 www.heidisauburn.com

Framing Made Simple 8x10 .............................$10 16x20 ...........................$20 20x24 ...........................$30 24x36 ...........................$40

Metal Frame (silver, black or gold) Regular Glass

Affordable, everyday pricing, just for you!

The height of my success started at ground level...

Foam Core Backing

Expert Custom Framing!

Quality Personal Service!!

Along with the best selection of frames and mats for prints, pictures or keepsakes.

23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333 www.DandRFraming.com

Dan Williams, owner

Heating Season is Almost Here...

Are You Ready?

Multi-unit Discounts FREE Estimates New Homes Equipment & Repairs

No matter what your heating needs, one call to Childs Heating Service is all it takes.

24 hour emergency service Call 615-6391

Child’s Heating Service in 10th year 345-3083 ! business www.childsheatingserviceinc.com

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 41

On the cartoon show 'The Jetsons', Jane is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15.

Fall Back into new colors & styles at Panache.

Christine

Emily

Michelle

Jen

Rejuvenate your sun-damaged skin with a facial

Nails

Cindy

Lynn

Elizabeth

Micaela

20 Coburn Street, Auburn • 782-9009

studio for hair, nails & massage

www.panachehairandnailstudio.com

(Off Center St., across from D’Angelos) Open Monday-Saturday

Shott Versus Nott

Duddley DoRight's Horses name was "Horse."

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot.

But Shott says that he shot Nott.

Hunting Season Starts

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

42 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Bear Goose Bird Season Deer

Sept. 1st Sept. 1st Oct. 1st Nov. 1st

Stop by and see our huge selection of guns!

• Still time to sign up for CWP (Concerned Weapons Protection) permit • Pistol Class Sept. 10th • We are a Game Tagging Station

Joseph Cimino

LOOKING TO BUY GUNS ALL THE TIME! BUY – SELL – TRADE 481 Maine St. • Poland Spring 998-2806 • 576-9535 576-1553

The volume of the Earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.

Skydiving with St. Laurent & Son

The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'

Check out our bar!

• • • • • • •

House Warm Saké Tozai Snow Maiden Sakétinis • Martinis Saké Cocktails Warm & Cold Sakés Asian Plum Wine Thai Beers

Bobby Richard

Rick St. Laurent

730 Center Street, Auburn Auburn Plaza,

NEXT TO FLAGSHIP CINEMA 376-4855

www.jasminecafemaine.com

P Gary ent St. Laur

Randy St. Lau ren

John Bosse

t

Mom always told me my attitude would determine my altitude...

Patrick Morrison

Now this is what I call a great company benny!

The word 'pixel' is a contraction of either 'picture cell' or 'picture element'.

Chris Gamache

Casey Reynolds Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 43

Out ’n About at The Hilton Garden Inn for a fundraising event

Bees have 5 eyes. There are 3 small eyes on the top of a bee's head and 2 larger ones in front.

Supporting Vivian St. Ongeʼs ride in the Dempsey Challenge for Team C.U.R.E.

E

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

44 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Ants stretch when they wake up. They also appear to yawn in a very human manner before taking up the tasks of the day.

The average ear of corn has eight hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows.

Out ’n About at The Hilton Garden Inn for a fundraising event Supporting Vivian St. Ongeʼs ride in the Dempsey Challenge for Team C.U.R.E.

P

Caesar salad has nothing to do with any of the Caesar. It was first concocted in a bar in Tijuana, Mexico, in the 1920's.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 45

Out ’n About at The Hilton Garden Inn for a fundraising event Supporting Vivian St. Ongeʼs ride in the Dempsey Challenge for Team C.U.R.E.

Tropic al Har mony

All your salt water tank needs right here!

ICE COLD BEER! Snacks & more...

Not to mention all the salt water fish & supplies you’ll ever need

Marine Fish • Coral • Supplies 272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372 The first hard drive available for the Apple had a capacity of 5 megabytes.

Since 1953

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

E

I’m smiling for the camera, but I’m really eying that pizza from Luiggi’s...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

46 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

MONDAY The Fergy

TUESDAY Meatball Subs

WEDNESDAY Spaghetti Dinners

sm. $2.50/lg. $5.00

sm. $3.20/lg. $6.00

1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink $4.50

THURSDAY Mini Pizza

FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza

SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians

1 Top $2.60/2 Top $3.30

with 1.5 Liter Drink $5.99

EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $4.99

You might be a redneck if… you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Earn

10% MORE with any amount of bottles with this coupon!

We’re across from the car wash, just down from Future Foods. And definitely worth the trip!

Mechanic Falls Redemption

"Not in that old, dirty thing," the evil king replied.

Richard Conway, owner

Velcro: what a rip-off.

DAILY SPECIALS FOR BREAKFAST & LUNCH Wall of Fame Inductee I can handle the fame! Being on the wall of fame and now Uncle Andy’s Digest is kinda cool...

Dwight Macvane of Minot

Once upon a time an evil king captured a beautiful princess and held her hostage in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress.

"You'll never get away with this," she cried.

"Some brave knight will rescue me!"

Expires 9/30/11

20 Maple Street • Mechanic Falls 345-3765 • Open 7 days 9am-5pm

Damsel Dress

Mon-Fri 7am to 2pm Sat & Sun 6am to 2pm

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

Home of the Double Yolker

Breakfast served all day Superb service • Handicap accessible Comfortable family atmosphere

She waited day and night, but it was just as the king predicted.

Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgustingly dirty dress.

After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her: "You see?

I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"

Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.

"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons.

And you, sir?"

5 Pigeon Hill Road Route 26 and 11 , Mechanic Falls • 998-5577

"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis

Egg-ceptional Restaurant & Bakery

&T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 47

How to Lie to the Bathroom Scales

Ah yes, summerʼs out and autumnʼs in. From swimming pools to football pools…

Submitted by Jimbo

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a

BROTHERS CONSTRUCTION

783-7299 or 576-4330

24´ X 40´ RANCH ROOF $

3995 COMPLETE JOB

➭ Remove and haul away all roofing debris ➭ Apply 6 feet of Certainteed ice shield ➭ Apply 15lb. felt paper on entire roof area ➭ Install a 30-year Certainteed architectural shingle on entire roof ➭ Installation of ridge vent to entire ridge

WE DON’T USE SUBCONTRACTORS

ALL LABOR AND MATERIALS INCLUDED! Email: roofnfools@yahoo.com web site: www.LessardRoofing.com

(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

48 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

It costs more to buy a new car today in the U.S. than it cost Christopher Columbus to equip and undertake three voyages to and from the New World.

(continued from previous page)

The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

pound of hair.

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)

We’ve got the

NFL TICKET PACKAGE Showing All the Games, All the Time!

L/A’s best seat for sports for over 20 years 120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

The Ways of Love Submitted by Jimbo

Ethernet is a registered trademark of Xerox, Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T.

PRE-EMPLOYMENT AND TENANT SCREENING BACKGROUND CHECKS SSN Prior address verification ..................$3.00 National criminal history check ..............$10.00 Single state prior eviction check ............$12.00 National prior eviction check .................$15.00 State of Maine SBI criminal history .......$24.00

Volume and package pricing available!

We also perform hair follicle drug screens, paternity tests, private investigations, D.O.T. drug and alcohol screening.

MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa.

She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war.

"We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week.

It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com

"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 Oz.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis

Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator

&T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 49

Birthday Boy

Different Definitions... Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

It was Doug’s birthday on August 15th. He was very busy delivering flowers for Ann’s Flowers but he always has time for a joke...

What kind of flowers do you give to King Tut?

Ariens Deluxe Sno-Thro Series

Chrysanthemummies.

®

• Unique Dual Belt drive system for maximum power and maintenance free operation • On-dash controls allow for control of height and trajectory of snow being thrown • Remote axle lock with a handle-mounted trigger allows Sno-Thro to turn on a dime • Heavy-duty aluminum XS Gear Case with alloy steel gears and L-3 synthetic severe-duty gear oil

Doug Haines turned 71 in August. He stays busy working for Ann’s Flowers (5 years) and also co-owns Doug & Gini Haines Photography

Pet Bills While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.

"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.

"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

50 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

• Ariens Polar Force engine powered by Briggs & Stratton is certified to start down to 20degrees below zero

1334 MINOT AVE., AUBURN, ME 04210 • 207-783-0558

Join us every Monday night for LEE’S NIGHT 4pm-9pm 10% of proceeds of dining room sales go to benefit Lee Munro, who recently had stem cell replacement to battle Myelodysplastic Syndrome.

Save the Date!

Spaghetti Supper for Lee Munro Sept. 24th at First Congregational Church in New Gloucester The Little Place with the Great Taste

Rt. 100 • New Gloucester

Hours: Mon-Fri 8am-10pm • Sat-Sun 7am - 10pm

Check us out online at www.mariositalianmaine.com

926-3434

Only female mosquitoes bite.

Breakfast Served Daily until 11am

P

Out ’n About at The Hilton Garden Inn for a fundraising event Supporting Vivian St. Ongeʼs ride in the Dempsey Challenge for Team C.U.R.E.

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You ski uphill.

GET CASH IM MEDIATELY WE’RE PAYING

AN EXTRA 10% FOR GOLD! 3 DAYS ONLY

E

Thursday, Friday & Saturday SEPTEMBER 15, 16 & 17

The highest prices paid!

Also buying diamonds, platinum, silver & coins!

Q: Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

A: Lettuce Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

52 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

3 DAYS ONLY

DiamondCut

Jewelers

1600 Main St. Rt 26 in Oxford • 739-2300

9am to 6pm

Mon-Fri 9-6; Sat. 9-3 • diamondcutjewelers.com

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

Skydiving with St. Laurent & Son

It’s NOT too early to start thinking about the upcoming season!

Commercial Plowing FREE QUOTES

Sanding, Salting

Guys, my altimeter and my airspeed tell me I pulled my ripcord too late and I’ll be landing at the office any minute now...

Melissa Miller

784-7944 www.stlaurentandson.com

Woodrow Wilson "Woody" Guthrie is best known as an American singer-songwriter and folk musician. His best-known song was This Land Is Your Land.

Trivia buffs: Songwriters such as Bob Dylan, Phil Ochs, Bruce Springsteen, Pete Seeger, Joe Strummer and Tom Paxton have acknowledged their debt to Guthrie as an influence.

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis

Snow Removal Locally owned and operated since 1970!

20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

Fully Insured • EOE

&T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 53

P

Out ’n About at The Hilton Garden Inn for a fundraising event

Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale.

Supporting Vivian St. Ongeʼs ride in the Dempsey Challenge for Team C.U.R.E.

Lien Holder Travis walked into Bilodeau Insurance to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle.

Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"

"I've got a kickstand," Travis replied. "Is that the same thing?"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

54 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration." – Lou Erickson

You might be a redneck if… you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. – Jeff Foxworthy

Best Breakfast Burrito in Town!

Grab a Coffee & Bagel To Go

Weddings, birthdays, we do it all!

Customize your orders.

84 Court St, Auburn

333-3041

on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

Need Catering?

Deli Downstairs Dining Room Upstairs Private Functions Upstairs

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars

Welcome back all college students!

Ice Coffee Lattés Italian Soda

Hours: Mon.-Fri. 8:00-4pm • Sat. 11am - 4pm

www.hollysown.com

Holly Mireault, Owner

September Special $

All this dancing will get me in shape to mop up Jimbo on the racquetball floor this fall...

Any Facial or

10

Off Body Treatment OUR FACIALS • Classic European • Age Smart Anti Aging • Acne Facials

777-1611 336 Center St., Auburn

OUR BODY TREATMENTS • Sea Salt Body Scrub • Sea Mud Body Wrap • Power Recovery Body Wrap Hours: Tues. 10am-7pm • Wed.-Fri. 10am-6pm • Sat. 9am-2pm

Upcoming Entertainment

12th ary vers Anni

t s a o Pig R Saturday, Sept. 3rd Live Music with White Chocolet 2-5pm Veggies by Day 6-11pm

miss t ’ n Do one! this

Fri. Sept. 2nd Fri. Sept. 9th Fri. Sept. 16th Sat. Sept. 17th Fri. Sept. 23rd

Black Cat Road Brookside Blues Veggies by Day Five Face North Shenanigans

This place rocks!

97 Ash Street Lewiston 783-0668

Blue whales weigh as much as 30 elephants and are as long as 3 Greyhound buses.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 55

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

One-fourth of the world's population lives on less than $200 a year.

CALL US FOR THE NEXT NRA PISTOL COURSE DATE!

We Buy, Sell & Trade Full Line Gun Smith Service NEW WEBSITE: jtreidsgunshop.com Check us out!

DRIVING RANGE

J.T. REID’S GUNS 86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579 Jamie Pelletier, Manager

RESTAURANT

Hours: 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat

John Reid, Owner

MINI-GOLF

We’re still open!

Come to Tabers while you still can!!

Burgers • Dogs L-A’s Be st Onion Rings Frie s • Ice Cre am

TABERS THE DECK awaits you…

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

56 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Open 7 days a week!

Lake Shore Drive, (first left after the lake) Off Rt. 4 in Auburn

www.tabersgolf.com

Pat’s Pizza 784-8221 85 Center Street, Auburn

Birds do not sleep in their nests. They may occasionally nap in them, but they actually sleep in other places.

NEXT Level Business Coaching Go Home On Time – Sleep Well At Night

What is business coaching?

Call 207-376-3239 for a confidential 90 minute consultation on any two business issues you are facing – no charge.

Guaranteed to provide you with strategies you can put to use right away.

One Hundred Dollars From God

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

SAVE GAS - RIDE A GOLF CART • Campers • Senior Citizens • Campground and RV Owners • Free Delivery - 40 mile radius • Conversion Lift Kits • 4 passenger cars

HUGE SALE

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope.

He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars.

This month would have been so bleak otherwise. " "P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving crooks at the Post Office."

What is the difference between boogers and spinach?

497 Washington St. Auburn • 783-3232

L/A’S LARGEST SELECTION OF CRAFT BEER Hard-to-find & Unique Beers Fall brews are in including: Dogfish Head Punkin & Shipyard Smashed Pumpkin

F~ Market ~ lorian’s

L/A’s Largest Hard Cider Selection Walk-in Beer Cooler & More!

Hot Soups & Sandwiches in the Deli Pizza & More

Welcome Back

Students!

You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

301 Main St., Auburn 783-9098 / Open 7 Days a Week

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

& Jimbo

58 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Find us on Facebook & Foursquare

Androscoggin Habitat For Humanity 2011 Annual

Friday, Sept. 16, 2011 Springbrook Golf Course Route 202, Leeds

4 PA

Each tournament team entry at $240 includes: • 18-hole green fees and carts • Player fits at registration and on the course • Lunch • Awards ceremony Lunch will be provided to players at the club house between 11am and 1pm. Snacks wil be served on the course

It’s not too late... Register today!

Schedule: 8:00 - 8:45am 8:45am 9:00am

Registration Briefing & Rules Shotgun Start

Androscoggin Habitat for Humanity 207-786-3598 Call Now!

Proceeds benefit Androscoggin Habitat for Humanity and its continuing effort to eliminate substandard housing in Androscoggin County

E

Camp of ROCK Weʼve got rhythm!

Zach & Tyrone Bass guitarists Weʼve got the beat!

(clockwise starting bottom left)

Alex, Jeremiah, Julie, Max & Keifer The Drummers

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You don't tan, you roast.

Complete, comprehensive dentistry for ages 3 to 103

New Patients Always Welcome Preventative dentistry cleanings and fillings Cosmetic dentistry whitening, bridges, crowns, implants & more We accept most insurances Financing available

TAYLOR BROOK

DENTAL ASSOCIATES

Amber & Maddie Wind instruments

OUR LOCATION:

We accept Northeast Delta Dental, State of Maine & Cigna Insurances

27 MILLETT DRIVE, AUBURN, ME 04210

(207)784-1577

The most valuable nutrients of the potato are in the skin.

TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You short out motion detectors.

& Jimbo

60 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

AUBURN MARINE & SMALL ENGINE Reserve Your Inside Boat Storage Space Now! • Shrink wrap services available • Winterization • Indoor/outdoor storage spaces • Boat hauling, fiberglass & gel coat repair

784-3888

Call for a quote today!

• Snowblowers • Wood splitters • Outdoor power equipment Full line MTD Troy-Bilt Dealer • Winterizing lawn mowers & summer equipment 65 North River Rd, Auburn Open 7 days a week Hours: M-S 8-7; S 9-4

784-3888

Brian Gagnon, standing bottom left, affectionately known as “Mr. G” and his class “The Old School”

You'll Laugh

Camp of ROCK

65 North River Rd, Auburn Open 7 days a week Hours: M-S 8-7; S 9-4

Pre-Season Fall/Winter Tuneups

You'll Learn

With lots of humor, Imus is joined by Imus asks tough questions of celebrities, politicians Warner, Bernie, Lou and Dagen. and media stars and they still come back for more.

Add comedians Tony Powell and Rob Combine that with our award winning local news Bartlett, starting your day is more fun. and your mornings are complete.

L-A’s WEZR RADIO

1240

Listen to AM 1240 weekdays 6 to 10 AM

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.

In 1969, Woodstock was held at Max Yasgur's 600-acre dairy farm near the hamlet of White Lake in the town of Bethel, New York.

Woodstock, billed as An Aquarian Exposition: 3 Days of Peace and Music, is widely regarded as one of the greatest and most pivotal moments in popular music history and was listed among Rolling Stone's 50 Moments That Changed the History of Rock and Roll.

The Camp of Rock was started by Brian “Mr. G” Gagnon as an off-shoot of the former CMCC summer camp. Gagnon started Great Falls Academy of Modern Music LLC and partnered with the Community Little Theater and Main Street Music. The Camp of Rock was a two week music camp.

The academy also offers a six week small group and private courses, for all instrument types.

Brian is also a full time music teacher at Fairview School in Auburn. The group dubbed themselves “The Old School” as they will be the last class to be held at the former Great Falls School in Auburn.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 61

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Fatherʼs Occupation

Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Submitted by Jimbo

LIGHT & HEAVY DUTY TRUCK SERVICE & REPAIRS

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

You can come to us or we can go to you!

Check out our newly-opened extra large, self-serve wash bay!

Great for large trucks, boats, RV’s or anything you need cleaned.

Stop by & receive ONE complimentary vehicle wash during the month of August!

"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.

"How interesting.

What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

Suspension Service • Oil Changes • Inspections Roadside Assistance • Turn Rotors Transmission Flush • Tune Ups & Much More!

"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston 333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com In Massachusetts - It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder.

2-Fer Specials Available Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday

2 Fer $14.95

2 Fer $16.95

Chicken Cordon Bleu *Chicken Tenders *Clam Cakes Liver & Onions Roast Stuffed Turkey Virginia Baked Ham Steak Chopped Sirloin Steak **Manicotti w/ garlic bread

Village Inn Baked Scrod *Fish & Chips *Fried Maine Shrimp Baked Haddock Special Baked Stuffed Haddock

You may mix meal choices at the 2 Fer $16.95 price

**Shrimp Salad or **Chef Salad

w/ shrimp stuffing

Broiled Haddock Steak Tips

Outdoor Patio

w/onions (plain or teriyaki)

All meals served with choice of potato & vegetable with the following exceptions: *served with french fries & cole slaw • **served as is (no sides) All meals served with rolls & butter

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

62 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Hot dogs are the most widely consumed form of sausage in the U.S.

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

Dry, stressed hair?

From: pool chlorine • sun • overprocessing Come in to have a deep conditioning – it will thicken, volumize & shine your hair!

Ann Dumais

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Jacinta Labbe

We are a full service salon FREE WiFi 14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

Pedicures • Manicures • Waxing Eyelash Tinting • Colors • Cuts • Foils

786-4311

Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

Our 2011 donations have exceeded $17,000!

Every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday at 6:30PM $

10 up to 48 cards - Games pay $50 - $100

Fridays: 1/2 of all packages goes to W.T.A.

Pleasant Street Bingo Hall 475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394 Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Shades of Tan Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye.

Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown."

I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.

He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 63

Camp of ROCK

Travis to Uncle Andy: I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Best singer pose, pose-off finalists

Kalli Lead vocals

Julie Lead vocals

Trevor Lead vocals Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

64 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Jimbo to Uncle Andy: I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.

COME ONE COME ALL to L/A’s Own Home Show!!

Saturday Sept. 24th 9am-5pm Sunday Sept. 25th 9am-3pm Androscoggin Bank Colisée • 190 Birch Street in Lewiston

Admission Adults $5 Kids 17 & under FREE w/paying adult

Engage in Seminars, Q&A’s, and Demonstrations

Connect with local companies that offer home related products & services

Show-only Discounts, Specials & Giveaways from Exhibitors

How To Buy & Rehab Foreclosed Properties SPECIAL SEMINAR BOTH DAYS 11AM-NOON

ENTER TO WIN PATRIOTS VS. JETS TICKETS (Oct. 9th Home Game)

www.mainehomeshow.com

P

Towards and Away

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Submitted by Jimbo

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact.

When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! Hours: Monday-Thursday 6am – 9pm; Friday 6am – 9:30pm; Saturday 6am – 9:30pm; Sunday 6am – 9pm

DAILY SPECIALS Monday - 2 Crabmeat Rolls . . . . .$8.50 w/salad & chips

Friday & Saturday After 4:00 PM Prime Rib Au Jus*

Tues. Wed. & Thurs.

Fried Clams - sm. $11.25 . .$14.25 w/potato & choice of salad or cole slaw

Tuesday - Yankee Pot Roast . . . .$7.95 w/carrots, potato & gravy, rolls

Small $13.25 • Large $15.95

Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie . . .$6.95

Friday, Saturday & Sunday

Sunday - Roast Pork . . . . . . . . . .$8.95

Fried Haddock* $11.25 Fried or Baked Stuffed Haddock* Small $9.75 • Large $13.25

Fried Seafood Combo* $16.95

Baked Salmon $10.95 includes Potato, Choice of Salad or Coleslaw *with Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

w/potato & rolls w/potato, choice of salad, coleslaw or vegetable & rolls

I’ve been coming here since it was open all night long. I come at least once a week – gotta have my blueberry muffin & coffee in the morning!

Larry Sprague Grew up in Gray, lives in New Gloucester

64 Lewiston Road, Gray • 657-4714 • www.ColeFarms.com JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learned how to make a living from the sea."

They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage. (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

66 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.

(continued from previous page)

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

TIRED OF FILLING WATER SLEEVES?!

CHECK OUT OUR SAFETY COVERS! We have all your Winter Closing supplies

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1975 LISBON ST., RT. 196, LEWISTON Just 2 miles east of Exit 80 Open Year Round, Since 1962 • Mon-Fri 9-5 • Sat 9-4

783-0858 • 1-800-244-0858 You might be a redneck if… you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner.

ut our Check o ebsite: all new w

hallimplementco.com CELEBRATING

50 YEARS HALL IMPLEMENT CO. Jct. 202 & 302 at the rotary - Windham

892-6894

Mon.-Fri. 7:00-5:00 Sat. 7:30-12:00

See our display at the Cumberland Fair!

September 25th – October 1st Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible!

What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a *horrible, horrible* fish!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 67

4 PA

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars

When you’re done playing

on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston

in the leaves, come to

A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

Thatcher’s in Windham for a feel-good meal!

RESTAURANT 892-9922

Hours: Mon - Sat 11am - 10pm Sun 12 - 8pm

Located at 907 Roosevelt Trail Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere

Dog Towel As a professional animal trainer, I was disturbed when my own dog developed a bad habit.

Every time I hung my wash out on the clothesline, she would yank it down.

Drastic action was called for.

I put a white kitchen towel on the line and waited. Each time she pulled it off, I scolded her. After two weeks the towel was untouched.

Then I hung out a large wash and left to do some errands.

Dancing under all these stars can really tire a person out...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

68 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

When I came home, my clean clothes were scattered all over the yard.

On the line was the white kitchen towel.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Dave & Maggie Garry, Owners

Someone Else's Obituary

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. – Uncle Andy

indham •

Located

orth W . 115 in N

0

892-822

on Rt

Nothing is foolproof.............to a sufficiently talented fool.

Monday Night Scrambles

ONE PAYS! TWO PLAY!

Make your own team or sign up as a single.

Call the club for more information.

Pay just one green fee and a friend plays free.

Or, pay for two green fees and two play free.

Take a membership for 2012 and play for FREE for the remainder of 2011!!

2 for 1

Must present this coupon to receive one free green fee for each paid green fee. Cart fee mandatory for each player. May not be combined with other offers. Good for 18 holes, Mon. thru Thurs. all day, Fri. thru Sun. after 1 p.m. excluding holidays, tournaments and twilight play.

ATTENTION FACEBOOK FANS! You can now book a tee time directly from the Spring Meadows FaceBook account. Convenient, fast and easy. Try it today!

Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63 For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586

GOLF CLUB AT COLE FARMS Check out new website: SpringMeadowsGolf.com

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. – Dave Barry

We were saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued community members, Someone Else.

Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work.

Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it."

Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group." It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church.

Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else.

Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?

When you are asked to help this year, remember -we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.

– Author Unknown Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 69

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

Kids have you running?

Dad’s has lots of snacks, breakfast & lunch items!

There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place

23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

E

Holiday Catering

Book !

Early

It’s not too early to book your company Christmas party!

We can accommodate any size party - small, large or enormous!!

Hot & Cold Buffet-Style Catering Professional service at an affordable price

There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place

Catering Division Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

70 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

345-9009

Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay... so if you keep reading, you'll go broke!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 71

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Wedding Toast My husband, Lawrence, had offered to give the toast at the wedding of his longtime friend Theo. They had shared many happy, and foolish incidents, and as the day approached, there was much speculation as to which events Lawrence was going to reveal.

Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

Annual Charity Car Show

October 1, 2011 All Proceeds Donated to:

The Make A Wish Foundation Maine Chapter

Hosted by Maine Oxy

At the reception when Lawrence rose to speak, the groom looked terrified. "I don't have to tell you anything embarrassing about Theo," Lawrence began, "because for the last three months, he's been so worried about what I might say that he's already confessed everything he could think of to his bride."

Bumpy Landing Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault, it was the asphalt!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

72 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

S JOIN U R BE OCTO 1ST!

HELP M WISH AKE A COM TRUE E !

22 Albiston Way, Auburn 784-5788 or 1-800-377-9433 Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?

Can you blow a balloon up under water?

Math Whiz Submitted by Glen Gisel

WOOD PELLET BLOWOUT SALE! 230/ton

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www.esmpellets.com Jimbo to Uncle Andy: As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

(Ask him about his abduction by aliens)

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.”

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, “NO, it's not.

Four is larger than two.”

Morning Run The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run."

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck."

Uncle Andy to Jimbo: I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 73

4 PA

Things you don’t see everyday

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

For All Your Commercial & Personal Insurance Needs • Personal Lines • Auto • Boat, RV & Motorcycle • Assets • Home • Commercial Lines • Business • Life Insurance • Employee Benefits • Health Insurance

Letʼs see how they like it!

Daily exercise for his goldfish...

BILODEAU INSURANCE AGENCY 2 locations to serve your needs

LEWISTON 541 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 784-4029 Fit like a...

BRUNSWICK 92 Pleasant Street, Brunswick • 725-2797

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

NEW! Expanded Menu

Breakfast Served Daily 6-11

Breakfast • Lunch • Dinner Family Dining & Casual Atmosphere • Full Bar • Plenty of Parking 757 Main Street, Lewiston (Across from Marden’s ) • 376-4990 Open 7 days a week 6am-9pm Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

74 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

A bumper sticker seen on a stealth bomber: IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN WE WASTED 50 BILLION BUCKS.

Call Now for Best Prices for Winter Pool Closings.

GUARANTEED! POOL BUILDERS OF MAINE 225-5833 • 576-9070 www.poolbuildersofmaine.com Greenleaf Woods Tree Service a Cut Above the Rest!

Moe Greenleaf, Owner

YOUR LOGO HERE!

If you have trees that need to be removed or pruned, stumps that need grinding down, and a 1st Class Arborist with a 100' Bucket Truck, than look no further than Greenleaf Tree Services. The company offers Free Estimates of your potential jobs and is fully licensed and insured. The experienced workers at Greenleaf Woods Tree Services can help you safely remove your tree dangerous trees, cleanup blown down tress and much more. Give them a call today for help with all your tree services by calling owner Moe Greenleaf at 268-3658 or 740-4394. You can also email him at greenleafwoodstreeservice@yahoo.com or see the ad on page 20 for more information.

Custom T-shirts • Uniforms No minimum • No set-up fee

Call us for a FREE quote!

333-6333 Taylor Brook Mall, Auburn • www.SignShackOfMaine.com

At a 1985 Sotheby's auction in New York, John Lennon's psychedelic 1965 Rolls-Royce Phantom V touring limousine sold for $2.299 million, the most ever paid for a used car up to that time.

"You don't need anybody to tell you who you are or what you are. You are what you are!"

– John Lennon I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting to satisfy them.

– John Stuart Mill

4 PA

Book Return A surgeon goes to return some books borrowed from the library.

The librarian quips after checking the books, "Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every book."

The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one.

"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads."

– Chris Needles

(ba

(fro A

K

Johnny Carson delivered 4,531 opening monologues during his 30 years as host of The Tonight Show.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 75

Border Declaration Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased.

Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."

Cheaper Insurance Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land. Although they are rapid, they are not agile; so if you ever find yourself chased by one, run in a zigzag line. You'll lose him or her every time.

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each $

3.50 each for most Hardcover Books

Selective Hard Covers $2

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all Audio Books (books on tape & CD) Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books & Cookbooks Pre-Read Books arriving daily

Large Selection of Fenton Glassware!

INVENTORY REDUCTION

SALE! 20% - 70% OFF

Featuring

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"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."

7 Days a Week

8 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards

s Alway g n i Buy

My brother smiled and said, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

& Jimbo

76 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

UNDER NEW OWNERSHIP!

HACIENDA HACIENDA EL PATRON PATRON EL Authentic Mexican Cuisines

MEXICAN BAR BAR & & GRILL GRILL MEXICAN SPECIALS

Happy Hour 4-7pm Sun.-Thurs.

2 for 1 Bottled Beer

DAILY SPECIALS

Everyday Special Grande Margarita $6.00 Live Entertainment every Thursday

Weekday Lunch Specials #1-11

Monday. . 40¢ Wings $5.50 Tues.. . . Margarita Pitcher $13 includes soft drink Shot of house Tequila $2.75 99¢ Tacos - beef or shredded chicken Wed. . . . 1 Chimichanga w/rice & beans $6 Thurs. . . 40¢ Wings, 25oz. Big Guy Draft Beer $3.50 Sat. . . . . House shot of Tequila $2.75 Sun. . . . Any combo plate #1-30 just $5

838 Lisbon St. Lewiston 689-3196

Note: specials cannot be combined w/other offers, discounts or coupons. Specials not valid on take-out orders.

www.haciendadelpatronme.com Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

Success Starts with Beginning You don't need to know all of your answers in advance to solve a problem or to reach your goal. But you must have a clear idea of the problem or the goal you want to reach in advance.

Everyone who achieved success in a great venture, solved their problems as they came to them. They helped themselves.

And they were helped through powers known and unknown to them at the time they set out on their voyage. They kept going regardless of the obstacles they met.

Don't procrastinate when faced with a difficult problem. Break your problem into parts, and handle one part at a time. All you have to do is know where you're going.

The answers will come to you of their own accord.

It's the job you never start that takes longest to finish.

– Author Unknown If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys; but if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ... now THAT'S a message!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 77

P

Maturity Under Attack

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

We Must Stop This!

CNA’s

Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier, and everything is farther away.

Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW ......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

78 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

GREAT PAY & FLEXIBLE HOURS • BASE PAY $13.00 PER/HR Weekend Shift Differentials

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If you’re interested in flexible hours and varied assignments, all with an excellent support system, contact us!

Nancy Merrill: Administrator Heather Trainer: Director of Nursing

Home C d e t s are si s A For more information visit us at: 550 College St., Lewiston

783-7375 We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.

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516 Sabattus Street • Lewiston • 784-1993 • M-F 7am-5pm, Sat. 7:30am-1pm

www.lewistonpaint.com Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee: You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

(continued from previous page)

Billiards great, Henry Lewis once sank 46 balls in a row.

Eggcettera Catering

If you’re too busy to cook and you don’t want fast food, try our HOME-COOKED MEALS!

For only $7 each, Dinner for 1-200.

E PRO V D UNC LE ANDY AP

Dinner To Go September Menu

Sun.

Mon.

Tue.

Wed.

1

and Dinner To Go

784-5544

4

See our full menu 11 online at: EggcetteraCatering.com

Cash • Check • Major Credit Cards 18

Please order one day prior.

Pick up from 4:30-7:30 p.m.

6

HOLIDAY

25

Spaghetti w/Meat Sauce Green Beans Rolls

8

9

Green Bean Chix Casserole w/Noodles Salad, Rolls

3 Sat.

Baked Haddock w/Stuffing Mashed Potatoes Slaw, Rolls

7

Beef Stroganoff w/Noodles Carrots Rolls

Fri.

2

10 Salmon Pie Potatoes Peas Rolls

12

13

14

15

16

17

19

20

21

22

23

24

Turkey w/Stuffing Potatoes Peas, Rolls

American Chop Suey Green Beans Rolls

Mac & Cheese Hot Dogs Green Beans Rolls

31 Leavitt Street, Auburn (first left after the Minot Ave./Hotel Rd. intersection as you head toward Mechanic Falls)

5

Thu.

Mac & Cheese

Broccoli Chix Alfredo w/Noodles Salad, Rolls

26

27

GONE RACING

Spaghetti w/Meatballs Salad, Rolls

Roast Pork Potatoes, Gravy Baked Apples Rolls GONE RACING

28

BBQ Pork Ribs Scalloped Potato Slaw, Rolls

Baked Ham w/Pineapple Potato, Carrots Rolls GONE RACING

29

Smothered Beef Potato Broccoli, Rolls

Baked Haddock w/Stuffing Potatoes Rolls

30

Fish Chowder Slaw

See our full menu online at: EggcetteraCatering.com

Customer Appreciation Days Sept. 13th, 14th, 15th

Men

Reg. $14

Ally

Nicole

Women Reg. $27

Angie

Children Reg. $10

Now $7 Now $1350 Now $5

345-3819 Hours: Tues. - Fri. 9am-7pm • Sat. 9-2

5 South Main Street, Mechanic Falls

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

GONE RACING

Not all Golf Balls have 360 dimples. There are some as high as 420.

There are also all different kinds of dimple patterns.

Sheila

them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

50%

OFF

Spray Cuts Only Make your appointment now!

SHEILA’S HAIR SALON

Golf was banned in England in 1457 because it was considered a distraction from the serious pursuit of archery.

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do they think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on.

But the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too. They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 79

Grandma's Boyfriend

Whether the weather be cold

Submitted by Glen Gisel

Or whether the weather be hot

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the T V hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, “Hello son, is your Grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yeah, she's in the bedroom beating her boyfriend.”

The minister fainted.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

80 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Whatever the weather We'll weather the weather Whether we like it or not.

I am not afraid of the dark I am afraid of monsters.

– Blake Dow

Guys, think about it.

Why wouldn’t you give flowers to the ladies in your lives? It just makes common sense...

Ann’s Flowers

14 Millett Drive, Auburn • 782-3457

www.annsflower.com

PAVING & SEALCOATING We also offer: Hardscaping & Landscaping Services Mulch by the bag or truckload • Packing Gravel Top Soil • Crushed Rock & more!

• Professional, Affordable & High Quality Work M&P Property • 20 years experience Management • Commercial or Residential 1339 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • FREE Estimates Moe 577-0690 • Scott 402-510

The Iditarod dog sled race - from Anchorage to Nome, Alaska - commemorates an emergency operation in 1925 to get medical supplies to Nome following a diphtheria epidemic.

MACHINE GUNS • SILENCERS • NFA TRANSFERS SHORT BARREL RIFLES/SHOTGUNS We also carry: All other types of firearms Knives • Ammo by the case We Buy - Sell - Trade Finders fee for collections

Call Matt, Drew or Chris at

Rt. 4 • Turner, ME

225-3432

Just past Twitchell’s Airport

Chris Jordan, owner 577-0210

g3firearms@megalink.net

Welcome Back Bates Students!

Your Home for Mexican American & Irish Food & Beverages

You can run with the big dogs or sit on the porch and bark. I chose to ride with the big dog...

No mom, I didn’t over sleep!

I’m putting my socks on. I’ll be right there...

Lunch & Dinner Open 7 Days a Week

PEDRO O’ Hara’s 134 Main Street, Lewiston

Irish • Mexican • American

783-6200

Also visit our Brunswick location at One Center St., Brunswick

New Homes Sun Rooms Garages Call us for your FREE quote!

“The Difference is in the Details”

Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.

Call 753-9887 or 576-8528

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available

In July 1934 Babe Ruth paid a fan $20 dollars for the return of the baseball he hit for his 700th career home run.

Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.

Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.

It was a card, on which was written, "Yes, we do clean under here, too."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 81

Gene Sarazen, a golfer from several generations ago, set the record for the fastest golf drive: 120 mph.

For All General Home Repairs & Improvements

HOME IMPROVEMENT SERVICES Rip & Installed $100 square

ROOFING:

Up to 2 layers • $10 more per square over 2 layers Call for more information and a FREE estimate

No roof too big or too small!

FREE ESTIMATES

Paint Man & Roof dawg are ready to save the day!

E • • • •

Carpentry Sheetrocking Plumbing Flooring

784-8922

Interior & Exterior Painting LEAD Smart Renovator Certified Since 2003

Heather’s Gardens Specializing in flower garden design and maintenance

Heather Martin

576-6814

Degree in Horticulture

HeathersGardens@hotmail.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

82 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

Michael Sangster, who played in the 1960s, had tennis' fastest serve, once clocked at 154 mph.

Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and Australia have participated in every Games.

Lit Up Submitted by Jimbo

LARGEST SELECTION OF GRANITE & QUARTZ IN THE AREA FAMILY OWNED AND OPERATED! Over 200 colors from around the world!

Quartz Cambria, HanStone, Silestone, Zodiaq, Caesarstone, Viatera

Family Owned & Operated

786-5556 786-5556 995 Center Street, Auburn

995 Center Street, Auburn

Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm Hours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm

www.granitemarblecountertops.net www.granitemarblecountertops.net Racehorses have been known to wear out new shoes in one race.

Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma.

"Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

The home team must provide the referee with 36 footballs for each National Football League game.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 83

4 PA

Warning Signs One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."

Five miles farther on, there was another sign: "Ice 5 miles."

Olympic Badminton rules say that the birdie has to have exactly fourteen feathers.

SCHOONER’S ANNUAL CRAFT FAIR The most eagerly anticipated event of the season for crafters and knitters alike is almost upon us!

On Saturday, October 15th from 10am to 3pm the Schooner Estate’s Craft Group will host the third annual Schooner Craft Fair in the Village Green at 200 Stetson Rd. in Auburn (off Center St), and is open to the public.

The needlecraft group made up of 15 or so women from Schooner Estates have been knitting preemie baby hats for the area hospitals birthing units for over 20 years. They recently took up making Afghans and lap blankets for the Hospice house next door and knitted pet blankets for the Androscoggin Animal Shelter, as well as hand-sewn dolls for the children's ward at both hospitals. The ladies have been working on lots of crafts to sell on that day. (Hand knit hats, mittens, scarves, baby bibs, teddy bears with sweaters, Christmas stockings and quilts). There will also be tables with hand made greeting cards and Christmas decorations, quilted handbags, pictured cards, scented candles and lots more.

THE PUBLIC IS INVITED TO THIS EVENT! Anyone interested in having a table at this event should contact Mark Prevost at 513-5055. All proceeds from this day are collected and given to Camp Sunshine, by the Tenants Council.

The 1990 New York Yankee pitching staff set an all-time record with the fewest complete games, three.

The next one was, "Ice 1/2 mile."

We practically crept that half-mile.

Camp of ROCK

Don’t fret, there’s no riffs between us. We just like to shred some powercords. If there’s any differences we bridge the gap and pick our battles.

When we came to the last sign it was outside a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."

"Life has got a habit of not standing hitched.

You got to ride it like you find it. You got to change with it. If a day goes by that don't change some of your old notions for new ones, that is just about like trying to milk a dead cow."

– Woody Guthrie Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

84 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

(back) Zach, Tyrone, Matt & Cooper (middle) Halli, Dylan, Trevor, Sam & Mackenzie (front) Jake & Amber Rick and Paul Reuschel of the 1975 Chicago Cubs combine to pitch a shutout, the first brothers do this.

At 101, Larry Lewis ran the 100 yard dash in 17.8 seconds setting a new world record for runners 100 years old or older.

Blackie’s Farm

September 24th & 25th

Fresh Produce

Open Year Round

Androscoggin Bank Colisee in Lewiston

908 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005 Hours: 6am - 8pm

996 Sabattus St. • Lewiston • 783-7020

Building or Remodeling??

See page 65 FMI

MaineHomeShow.com

NO INITIAL CHARGES

Check out our Showroom!!

Cancel your annual service today and call...

WE STOCK: Monitors • Rinnai • Radiant (Heating Supplies) Baseboard • 1 & 2 pc Tub & Showers Vanity Tops & Bases • Kitchen & Bath Faucets Toilets • Repair Parts (Plumbing & Heating)

Maine Seasonal Pest Control

1525 Lisbon St., Lewiston

783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 www.myselco.com PLUMBING & HEATING SUPPLIES

Andrew Ferguson Master Applicator

(207) 346-1678 MESeasonalPest@aol.com

Lic # CMA44691/7A7B7E

M-F 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268 Call us!

No Separating Required!

September is FLY season!

743-3891 HARRIS BROS.

FOUR SEASON SERVICE

Downeast Sharpening Sales & Service of Outdoor Power Equipment Complete Sharpening Service Glen A. Gisel

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

7 Main St. (Junction of Rt. 302 & 121) Raymond

DOLMAR

shindaiwa

655-4635

www.downeastsharpening.com

Hunting • Fishing • Firearms • Ammo • Gear

Order Any New Gun for

$50 Over Cost Cash/Check 50% Deposit 1311 Roosevelt Trail (Rt. 302) • Raymond • 655-1030

Honey is used as a center for golf balls and in antifreeze mixtures.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 85

OUT ʼN ABOUT WITH MIAMI MIKE

Jackie Robinson was the only person to letter in four sports at UCLA. Of all of them, he supposedly liked baseball the least.

• Income Tax Returns • Payroll Taxes

• Sales & Use Tax • Accounting Systems

CCURATE CCOUNTING Digesters, welcome to another month of Miami Mike. I want to take a moment to thank all of you loyal Uncle Andy’s Digest readers for not bombarding the office with complaints and demands for the editor to cease letting Miami Mike slip through the cracks and grace the coveted pages of the Digest.

Speaking of cracks, the Maine Home Show is approaching, on September 24th & 25th at the Androscoggin Bank Colisee in Lewiston. Take advantage of this great opportunity to get up close and personal with local builders & contractors, local home improvement stores, appliance & electronics dealers, service providers and much more. It is much better than calling Uncle Bill to have a look at the problem you’ve been having with the royal throne. Sorry, but you know Uncle Bill is not a licensed plumber even though the family has become very acquainted with the crack of his bum.

Now if you don’t currently have a home, then you simply must get to the Maine Home Show to visit the Reliant Mortgage booth. They will help you get an amazing home mortgage rate and I know you have heard all the ruckus about how current rates are the lowest they have been in years. So get your new mortgage from Reliant and get into your new home before the leaves migrate south for the winter. Get it, because they fall down to the ground? On that note Digesters, I am going to go work on my humor, because it’s clearly on permanent vacation!

Until next month, Digesters “victory is ours”!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

86 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

& Tax Services, P.A. 922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005 (Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)

MELANSON CONSTRUCTION, INC. 84 No Name Pond Road, Lewiston, ME • 784-5899

PAVING

• Residential and Commercial Paving • Sweeping • Seal Coating

Call for FRimEatEes Est

784-5899

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413

Kresimir Cosic is only non-American player in NBA Hall of Fame.

In 1986 Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series to be a designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H."

Out ’n About at the Dance Party Under the Stars on top of the Lincoln Street Parking Garage in Lewiston A fundraiser for L-A Museum & the Franco American Heritage Center

Raise your hand if you think Uncle Andy’s Digest is a great magazine...

800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn

Pro golfer Wayne Levi was the first PGA pro to win a tournament using a colored (orange) ball. He did it in the Hawaiian Open in 1982.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039 87

SPECIAL 30 Days

Pittsburgh is the only city where all major sports teams have the same colors: Black and gold.

Unlimited Tanning ONLY $30* Reg. $69.99 *VHR only, one visit per day. Sale ends 9-30-11

Class Schedule: Mon. Kick-N-Cardio . .5:30pm ZUMBA . . . . . . . . . .6:30pm Tues. XFit . . . . . . . . . .5:00pm BLAST . . . . . . . . . . .5:45pm ZUMBA . . . . . . . . . .7:00pm AMP ZUMBA .12-12:30pm Full Body Tone .12:30-1pm Wed. Kick-N-Cardio . .5:30pm Thu. Kick-N-Cardio . . .5:30pm ZUMBA . . . . . . . . . .7:00pm AMP ZUMBA .12-12:30pm Full Body Tone .12:30-1pm Fri. Hardcore Hopping 5:30pm Sat. ZUMBA . . . . . . . . .9:30am YOGA . . . . . . . . . .10:30am That’s 14 classes offered per week!

Sauna • Massage Tanning • Fitness Facility Cardio Classes Become a fan on

Facebook For Those Who Like it HOT!

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784-8900 Mon.-Sat. 9:30am-8pm Sun. 12:30-5:30pm Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

88 SEPTEMBER 2011 783-7039

867 Center Street, Auburn 753-0033 WILL NOT LAST... ACT NOW!! $9,490

$4,495

2007 Chevy Trailblazer LS

2004 Chevy Aero

Auto, Tow, 4X4,4 Door, 91k

GAS SAVER 39MPG!!! Auto, 83k

BROWSE OUR INVENTORY 07 Audi A6. 3.2L, Auto, AWD, 95k, Gray, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . .$18,990 06 Audi A4, Auto, 58k, Silver, AWD,Loaded, Bose Audio . . . . . .$16,990 04 Audi A6 S-Line, AWD, Auto. 82k, Maroon, Loaded . . . . . . . . .$12,490 03 Audi A6 4.2L, Auto, V8, 97k, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,990 07 BMW 328xi, 4 Dr., Black, Loaded, AWD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$17,990 09 Chevy HHR LS, Auto, Cardinal Red, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,990 08 Chevy HHR LT, Auto, 4 cyl., 82k, Gray . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,990 06 Chevy Uplander, Auto, Beige, Only 72k, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . .$8,990 05 Chevy Equinox LT, Auto, 6 cyl., 96k, White, CD . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,990 05 Chevy Malibu LT, Loaded, Auto, White, 91k . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 05 Chevy Tahoe LS, 3rd Row, Tow Pkg., Running Boards, Black .$10,990 05 Chevy Tahoe Z71, Auto, 92k, Silver, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . .$15,940 04 Chevy Trailblazer LS, Auto, Tow Pkg., 4x4, 86k . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,990 05 Chrysler Pacifica Touring, Auto, AWD, Rear DVD, 3rd Row . . .$10,990 08 Dodge Ram 2500 SLT, 43k, Auto, 4x4, BOSS Plow, Tow Pkg. .$26,990 07 Dodge Caliber SXT, Auto, ONLY 60k!, Loaded, Black . . . . . . . .$9,990 07 Dodge Dakota SLT, 8 Cyl., 4x4, Silver, Tow Pkg., 96k . . . . . . .$12,990 07 Dodge Caravan SXT, V6, Auto, Dual Sliders, CD, Blue . . . . . . . .$9,990 07 Dodge Ram 1500 SLT, Quad Cab, Tow Pkg., 86k . . . . . . . . . .$15,990 06 Dodge Dakota SLT, 78k, Ext. Cab, Loaded, 8 cyl., 4x4 Bed Liner $12,990 06 Dodge Dakota SLT, Blue, Crew Cab, 4x4, Tow pkg., 8 cyl. . . .$11,990 06 Dodge Dakota SLT, Tow Pkg., Bedliner, 78k, Silver . . . . . . . . .$12,990 07 Ford Focus ZX4 SE, Auto CD, Power Options, 35 MPG . . . . . . .$7,990 07 Ford Mustang, 5-Speed, 95k, Black, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,500 06 Ford Fusion SE, V6, CD Changer, 4 Dr., Auto . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,490 06 GMC Envoy, Auto, 4x4, 89k, Loaded, Gray . . . . . . . . . . . .Call for Price 06 Hyundai Santa Fe GLS, AWD, Auto, Sunroof, 90k . . . . . . . . . .$10,990 05 Infinity G35x, V6, Auto, Red, AWD . . . . . . . $7,990 BLOWOUT

07 Jeep Commander Sport, 4x4, Roof Rack, 64k, CD . . . . . . . . .$13990 07 Jeep Liberty Sport, V6, Auto, 4x4, White . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,990 06 Jeep Liberty Renegade, V6, 4x4, Roof Rack, Roof Lights, 93k . . .$12,490 06 Jeep Commander, V8, Auto, Black, 68k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$17,990 06 MINI Cooper S, 2DR, 6-Speed, Blue, 97k, Loaded . . . . . . . . .$12490 05 MINI Cooper S, 6-Speed, Green, Hatchback, Loaded . . . . . . .$11490 06 Saab 93, 5-Speed, Black, Loaded, 55k . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 05 Saab 93 Arc Convertible, Auto, Loaded., Heated Seats . . . . .$11,990 05 Saab 93, 5-Speed, 68k, White, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,990 07 Saturn VUE, 91k, 4x4, Black, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 07 Scion TC, 5-Speed, Dual Roofs, 93k, CD, Gray . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,990 08 Subaru Impreza Outback Sport, AWD, 91k, Loaded, Black . .$12,990 07 Toyota Camry LE, 73k, CD, Auto, Blue, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . .$13,490 06 Toyota Tacoma TRD, V6, Loaded, Tow Pkg., Liner . . . . . . . . .$13,490 05 Toyota Camry LE, Auto, CD, Sunroof, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9,990 05 Toyota Tacoma, Blue, Auto, V6 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .CALL FOR PRICE 04 Toyota 4Runner SR5, V6, Roof, Auto, Loaded, 4x4 . . . . . . . .$12,990 08 Victory Vegas, Only 2761 miles, 6-Speed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7990 05 Volvo S60 T5 Turbo, 5 cyl., AWD, Auto, Maroon, Loaded . . . .$10,990 04 Volvo XC90, 6cyl, Auto, AWD, White, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11,490 08 VW Passat, Auto, ONLY 33k, Power Options, Green . . . . . . . .$17,990 08 VW Jetta Wolfsburg Edition, 79k, Auto, CD, Moonroof . . . . . . .$14,490 08 VW Passat Komfort, Auto, 32k, CD/MP3, Green, Loaded . . . .$17,990 07 VW Jetta, 96k, 5-Speed, Gray, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12,490 06 VW Passat, 82k, Auto, 4 cyl., Gray, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11,490 06 VW Jetta GLI, 6-Speed, CD Changer, Loaded, Black, 94k . . . .$12,490 06 VW Jetta 2.5 PZEV, 5 cyl., Heated Seats, 81k, CD Changer, Auto .$10,990

Fastest round of golf (18 holes) by a team - 9 minutes and 28 seconds.

Set at Tatnuck CC in Worcester in September 9, 1996 at 10:40am.