UAD March 2014

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America!

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March 2014

Voted best International Restaurant AND Best Sushi Restaurant by Market Surveys of America

Japanese Cuisine Hibachi • Sushi • Japanese Cuisine Late Night lounge Recent Customer Review: “Best Hibachi in Maine!”

ATE SAVE THE D nnual A d For Our 2n h as B Sea 7.11.14

40 East Ave., Lewiston • 795-6888 www.sea40me.com

Armandsab@aol.com

Have you ever noticed the people who tell you to calm down... are the ones that got you mad in the first place.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA March 2014 Thursday, March 13th Lewiston Mandarin 11:30 – 1:30pm (Chapter 14437) Sabattus St, Lewiston $5 Member; $5.50 Guest Friday, March 14th VFW 1603 – Corn Beef & Cabbage Dinner 5pm – 6:30pm 588 Minot Ave. Auburn $6.00 Member Saturday, March 15th KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper 5pm 8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn $4 Member; $5 Guest Wednesday, March 19th Chick-a-Dee 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 14346) 1472 Lisbon Street, Lewiston $8 Member; $8.50 Guest

Dick Courtemanche 207-786-3622 Lewiston

Timothy Graham* 207-892-0302 Standish

Forest Cluff* 207-725-4606 Brunswick

Friday, March 21st (Semi-Final) NCAA Div 3 Men’s Hockey Finals 4pm – 7:30pm Saturday, March 22nd (Final) Androscoggin Bank Colisee $11 M; $12 G; $9 Senior/Child Tuesday, March 25th Roy’s Breakfast 7am – 10am (Chapter 12749) 5 Washington St. Auburn $2.50 Member; $3.00 Guest

Paul Colasante* 207-782-8823 Lewiston

Patrick Linehan* 207-465-4800 Oakland

Michael Courtemanche* 207-783-8921 Lewiston

Ron Ouellette* 207-786-3612 Lewiston

Jean Fournier 207-784-5453 Lewiston

Kim Pelkey* 207-786-2573 Lewiston/Norway

Deb Wagemann* ChFC 207-783-8804 Auburn

*Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC.

When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first? —Bill Cosby

Wednesday, March 26th Ari’s Pizza 11:30am – 1pm (Chapter 10929) Main St, Norway $5 Member; $5.50 Guest Wednesday, March 26th Schemengee’s 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 8609) 551 Lincoln St, Lewiston $8 Member; $8.50 Guest TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed.

************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays).

Call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com Staff JIMBO Bring on Spring

UNCLE ANDY Sprung a Leak

MAGGIE MAY Spring Cleaning

THOMAS Bye Bye Winter

JUNE

Lead me not into temptation, I can find my own way there.

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES Affordable Dentures Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Also see us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures • Rebases • Relines • Repairs

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

Rookie Season

TANMAN Spring Training

GENE-O Going Buggy Style

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted We also accept Credit & Debit Cards

FREE CONSULTATIONS

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660 SmileAgainDentures.com

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

Or email us at: smileagaindentures@gmail.com

While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

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Without knowledge action is useless and knowledge without action is futile. - Abu Bakr

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. – Mark Twain

KITCHENSolutions DESIGN & SALES CENTER

Why not use your Income Tax Return and save BIG!

WE HAVE PRICING FOR EVERYONE’S BUDGET!

995 Center St. Auburn Next to Appliance Warehouse and Gamache & Lessard Window Decorators

784-3100

Visit our brand new showroom Specials on Cabinets & Granite Countertops

Bruce

Quartz Counter tops starting at $54.99/ LF Installed!

Stacy

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.

Answered Prayer Submitted by Jimbo

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. (continued on next page)

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The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful Gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those jerks at the post office!

Sincerely, Edna

Back to the Future Uncle Andy’s Style Picture from our 1997 archives

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde

Auto Repair Done Right Brakes • Engines • Suspension & More • Call for a free estimate!

Body Work Collision Repairs • Complete Re-sprays Custom Paint & More Discounted towing w/ shop repairs

Towing available 24/7 845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn • 782-5500 The human brain is an evolutionary marvel. it starts working before you're born, and never stops until you try to learn some new software. – Greg Tamblyn A zen couch potato is a person who contemplates the nature of televised existence.

– Richard Helm

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. – William Lyon Phelps

Just so you know, Uncle Andy claims to have invented this trick. He did this everyday at the University of Fort Kent back in 1973.

Steve & Diane McManus Recognize this great couple?

Let ‘em know they’re famous... again.

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Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.

Light Logic

What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Straight Talk. Practical Solutions.

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207-786-0346 184 Webster Street, Lewiston LewistonMaineLawyers.com

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

– Andy Borowitz

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy.

He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?"

Q: What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

A: For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

I've never taken an elevator to the basement floor, that's just beneath me.

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The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springstein's 'Born in the USA.'

Counseling Services New Group Sessions starting soon: Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Coping Skills Group for Teens

GOOD EATS! Japanese • Korean Thai • Sushi

Call or visit our Facebook page FMI

Andy Jarman, LCPC 1288 Roosevelt Trail, Suite 5B, Raymond • 624-1132

Crazy Maine Laws It is illegal to blow one's nose in public in Waterville.

It is illegal to catch lobsters with your bare hands.

Advertisements may not be placed in cemeteries in Wells.

It is illegal to stroll down a street while playing a violin in Augusta.

In Portland it is illegal to tickle a woman's chin with a feather duster.

730 Center Street, Auburn Auburn Plaza • 376-4855

jasminecafemaine.com

$

5

OFF Purchase of $ 20 or more

✃

Limit one per visit Expires 3.31.14

Boating season will be here soon... I’m heading over to NuImage Canvas & Upholstery.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? – Groucho Marx

Mercury thermometers may not be sold in the city of Freeport.

See Us For All Your Fabric & Metal Fabrication

You may not step out of an airplane while in flight.

From repairs to large projects! We can do it!

• Canvas • Upholstery • Metal Fabrication

• Residential/Commercial Awnings Dog leashes may not be over eight feet in length in Waterboro.

After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.

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Canvas & Upholstery 41 Millett Drive • Auburn, Maine 04210

783-5600 I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then.

Spring & Summer dates are filling fast - Book NOW!

Weddings • Summer Parties Reunions Indoors • Outdoors • We do it all!

Professional service at an affordable price Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing!

We can accommodate any size party small, large or enormous!!

Dad’s Place Catering Division 345-9009

DadsPlace.info

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COFFEE FRIDAY! Free 20 oz. coffee with purchase of Breakfast Sandwich every Friday.

March Madness Special $ Our 10 GIANT one-topping pizza will bring the luck of the Irish upon you!

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Not to be combined with any other special.

There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

Expires 3.31.14

d’s...

NEW at Da

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Dog Facts The smell center of a dog's brain is 40 times larger than yours.

Dogs can smell thousands of times better than humans. Their noses have millions more scent receptors— for example, a human nose averages 5 million while a Dachshund's has 125 million—making them useful in sniffing out drugs, people, bed bugs, explosives, and more.

No two dog noses are the same.

A dog's nose is the equivalent of a human fingerprint, with each having a unique pattern of ridges and creases.

Dogs dream like people.

If you've ever noticed your pooch twitching in her sleep, this probably means she's dreaming.

Researchers found that dogs have similar sleep patterns and brain activity as humans, and that small breeds tend to dream more than large ones.

Psychology Today suggests they're probably imagining familiar activities like playing outside or chasing their tail.

"A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.”

— Ayn Rand

Find Us at Our

Here we are folks!

NEW Location!

416 Sabattus Street in Lewiston

Sasseville Chiropractic Our NEW office will be better for our patients in so many ways: • Better Parking Accep • Handicap Accessible ting • More Space NEW Patien • New Doctor on Staff ts!

• Onsite X-rays • Same Day New Patient Appointments • And Much, Much More!

Accepting Most Insurances Call TODAY to schedule!

777-3333

Introducing

Dr. Grant Lemire Chiropractor A Palmer Graduate to Our Staff!

arch 6th • Ribbon Cutting Cere Thurs. M g n i n pe 4-7pm • Refreshments & Givea mony 1 e s O u o ways 0am and Open H !

Gr

Dogs are as smart as a two-year-old baby.

According to canine researcher and author (continued on next page)

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Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

(continued from previous page)

"A generation which ignores history has no past – and no future." — Robert A. Heinlein

Mike Morin’s

Auto Center

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon Harsh Winter Road Conditions...

It’s time for an alignment to prevent unnecessary wear and tear on your tires.

LIKE us on Facebook Receive

OIL CHANGE

$10.00

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Discount!

Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)

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FRONT END ALIGNMENTS $79.95

"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself" — Jim Morrison

Cigars are back!

Stop in and check out our great selection!

J.T. REID’S GUNS Call for the next N.R.A. Pistol Course Jamie Pelletier, Manager

jtreidsgunshop.com

We buy, sell & trade Full Line Gunsmith Service

86 Court St., Auburn 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat John Reid, Owner 777-3579

Eternity is really long, especially near the end. – Woody Allen

Stanley Coren, your toddler and pup are about on par when it comes to brains. He also explained that man's best friend can count, understand over 150 words, and even trick people or other dogs to get treats. Intelligence varies based on breed—Border collies are the smartest.

Dogs only mate twice a year.

Unspayed females only go into heat twice a year, so dog breeders need to plan carefully.

Tail wagging has its own language.

If your dog excitedly wags their tail, it means they're happy to see you, right? Not necessarily. According to Discovery.com, dogs wag their tails to the right when they're happy and to the left when they're frightened. Wagging low means they're insecure; and rapid tail wagging accompanied by tense muscles or dilated pupils can signal aggression.

Puppies are born blind and deaf.

Newborn dogs are still developing, according to Psychology Today, so their ear canals and eyes are still closed.

Most puppies open their eyes and respond to noises after about two weeks. (continued on next page)

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Dogs have a "sixth sense."

In a 2010 poll, 67% of pet owners reported their pets acting strangely right before a storm, and 43% said their pets behaved oddly right before something bad happened. The top clues?

Whining, erratic behavior, or trying to hide in a safe place. There are even reports that dogs can sense illnesses, like cancer.

Dogs only have sweat glands in their paws.

Even though they sweat out through the pads of their paws, their main form of cooling down is panting.

Your dog's feet might smell like corn.

Some pet owners might notice the faint scent of corn chips or popcorn lingering around their dog. This is called "frito feet," and it happens when sweat and bacteria builds up in the paws.

"Dog breath" is actually unhealthy.

You might expect your dog's mouth to smell like, well, dog. But persistent bad breath can actually be a sign of dental disease or other health problems. If you don't already, have your dog's teeth examined by a veterinarian every year.

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." — George Bernhard Shaw

MARCH M The Back Forty Used 2011 Toyota Highlander

2012 Chevrolet Cruze 2LT

2011 Toyota Sienna

2013 Ford Focus S

Gray, 3.5L, Auto, AWD 31k

Silver, 1.4L 4 cyl, Auto, FWD, 42k

Silver,3.5L V6, Auto.

6spd., 62k

Silver, 2.0L 4cyl., 5-speed, FWD, 10k

our price

our price

our price

our price

$20,995

$12,995

$25,995 $13,995 2011 Toyota Rav 4

2012 Ford Focus

2011 Honda Pilot EX

2009 Honda Odyssey

Black, 2.5L 4cyl, Auto, 4WD, 35k

Blue Candy Metallic, 2.0L 4cyl., Auto., 57k

Black, 3.5L V6, Auto, FWD SUV, 76k

3.5L V6, Auto., FWD minivan, 73k

our price

our price

our price

our price

$22,995

$13,995

$18,995

$19,995

(continued from previous page)

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"As our case is new, we must think anew." — Abraham Lincoln

I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

MADNESS! d Car & Truck Center 2012 Chevrolet Malibu

2011 Toyota Camry

2010 Nissan Maxima

2013 Chevrolet Tahoe

Gold, 2.4L 4cyl., Auto, 39k

Sandy Beach Metallic, 2.5L 4cyl., 17k

Black, 3.5L V6, CVT, 4 door, 27k

Silver, 5.3L V8, 6 speed, 4WD, 10k

our price

our price

our price

our price

$12,995

$14,995

$19,995

$38,888

2011 Hyundai Sonata GLS

2011 Hyundai Sonata Limited

2011 Toyota Prius

2012 Jeep Wrangler Sport

(continued on next page)

It's not abnormal for dogs to eat feces.

It's no secret: dogs often eat their own feces (and other fecal matter). But though it might seem gross, the ASPCA says it's perfectly normal, stemming from their pre-domestication days thousands of years ago. More common in puppies, older dogs usually grow out of it, although some do it into adulthood.

A dog's unique smell is secreted in its glands.

And yes, those scent glands are located in their backsides. Dogs are notorious for sniffing one another there, but it's how they identify others and also what they use to mark their territory.

Bedside Manner Submitted by Jimbo

Silver, 2.4L 4cyl, Auto., 30k

Shimmering White, 2.4L 4cyl., 55k

Blue, 1.8L 4cyl., Hybrid, 34k

Deep Cherry Pearl, 3.6L, V6, 4WD, 30k

our price

our price

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$13,995

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$21,995

The doctor was making her rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams.

After the exam in his best professional voice, she said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning."

"I should," snapped the patient, "I've been practicing all night."

"Boards don’t hit back." — Bruce Lee

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"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends."

— Herbert Hoover

Out ’n About at the Community Credit Union Poker Run

WOW!

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for

$

12

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Snowmobile Club Donation from Community Credit Union awarded to Sabattus Mountaineers, presented by Kerry Wood and accepted

by Bob Bouley.

Worst Hand in Poker Tournament awarded to Denny Perron, presented by Dr. Rose Sheline of Center St Dental and Kerry Wood of CCU, accepted for Denny by Glen Dube.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. – Dave Barry

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

e m o r d l o l Ro

Since 1954

Where Good Skaters Meet

ULE WINTER SCHED 30-10pm

7: ts - Ages 20+ 0 Thursday Nigh g 7:30 - 10:0 in at Sk l Al Friday Nights pm 30 - 4:00 Sat. & Sun. - 1: t 7:30 - 10pm - Family Nigh ts gh Ni ay Saturd 30 - 10pm - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night

Available for private parties

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

www.rollodrome.com

Monday, March 17th • St. Paddy’s Day Specials: Try our Traditional Irish Breakfast: Scottish Eggs, Bangers, Cornbeef with ALL the Trimmings • 8am to Noon

Join Our Mug Club 21 Draft beers Buy $25 Gift Certificate and get $5 Extra in Firehouse Bucks

Lunch & Dinner includes: Boiled Dinner, Cornbeef & Cabbage, Potatoes, Bangers, Carrots & Smash

Enjoy Some Great Music: Scott Gagne • Noon - 3pm • Chad Porter Band starts 3pm Also, bagpipers playing!

Every Mon. Catering for off-site parties & events Full Bar AND Food FULLY INSURED Call for Info.

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Night $6.99 Burger Special w/ 2 sides

Try our Homemade Baxter Beer Battered Onion Rings!

Firehouse Grille • 47 Broad Street, New Auburn 376-4959 • thefirehousegrille.biz

of the Ho me e Co. Eng in er rg u B

"According to my best recollection, I don’t remember." — Vincent “Jimmy Blue Eyes” Alo

"A writer needs a pen, a painter needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army."

— Orson Welles

Out ’n About at Cassiel’s Day Spa in Lewiston This place is great. If you want to be pampered, come here!

Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm Fri. 8am-4pm

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit with results that you will be proud to show off.

Jane & Lacey Happy customers

Visit us at our newly renovated state of the art office at:

730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

783-1351 Same Day Emergency Care

I’ve been coming here for years... I love it!

We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

Aletha Parker does Karlee’s hair

Little Known Fact

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com The average person laughs 10 times a day!

(We’re working hard to up those numbers)

George Washington was scared to death of being buried alive.

Just before he died, he demanded his body be kept above ground for a few days in the unlikely event he might come to.

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Ultimate Trick Submitted by Thomas Hill

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot.

"A politician divides mankind into two classes: Tools and enemies."

— Friedrich Nietzsche

REFRESH YOUR SKIN THIS SPRING!

Spring into action NOW!

OUR GIFT

Beach weather is near.

34 Center St., Auburn Offer expires March 31, 2014. Cannot be combined with any other offer. Coupon must be presented at time of service.

207.333.3069

YourBestSkinOfMaine.com

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. — Thomas A. Edison

May your blessings out number the shamrocks that grow, And may trouble avoid you wherever you go.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said, "Okay, I give up. Where's the freaking ship?

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A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I've been carrying. I'm ex-static!

A-PLUS AUTO REPAIR

Out ’n About at Cassiel’s Day Spa in Lewiston Think Spring!

Come in for your new color.

Is This YOU? You want to be a do-it-yourselfer, but: • You have extra parts left over after you think you’re done.

• You can’t make it fit so you end up throwing your parts in frustration.

• You don’t have the right tool for the job and you bust a knuckle using the wrong tool.

SAVE TIME & MONEY...

Call the pros at A-PLUS Auto Repair We’re located @ 747 Minot Ave. in Auburn (Behind Fastenal Services) • 786-0522

• Computer Diagnostics • Maine State Inspection Station

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Heather Heckbert Supervision takes a keen eye and a great attitide!

• Exhaust Repair • $50/hr Labor Rate

Get your car fixed at A-Plus Auto Repair before I unleash these Karate chopping hands on you!

A-Plus Auto Repair 747 Minot Ave, Auburn Chance

Bring in this ad & receive

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10% OFF ✃ Your Total bill!

Nickki Bramlett Little Known Fact

Expires 3.31.14

What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Tropical ants, when a flood sweeps down on them, roll themselves into a huge living ball which drifts upon the water, with the young safe and dry at the core.

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Hunger Pangs Submitted by Jimbo

A tour bus full of older folks has been cruising along a freeway for a couple of hours. In the seat right behind the driver is a sweet, kind lady.

She leans forward, asks the driver if he’d like a snack, and offers him a little cup full of almonds.

The driver’s getting a little peckish, so he’s grateful and he wolfs them down. After twenty minutes, this sweet lady leans forward again and passes him another cup full of almonds. Over the next hour this happens three more times.

Every year about 98% of atoms in your body are replaced.

ADVERTISING ad·ver·tis·ing [ad-ver-tahy-zing]; noun 1. The act or practice of calling public attention to one's product, service, need, etc., especially by paid advertisments in magazines such as Uncle Andy’s Digest: 2. To get more customers by advertising.

All the dictionaries suggest you call Uncle Andy’s Digest to do both of the above! 207-783-7039 or editor@UncleAndys.com

Certainly the Most Unusual Digest in Auburn, ME, USA

Finally they stop for a restroom break, and the driver asks this kind, generous old lady why she and her friends aren't eating the almonds themselves.

She tells him that because of their old teeth, they're not able to chew them.

"Why on earth would you buy them, then?" he asks.

"Because we love to suck the chocolate off them."

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Auburn Mayor Jonathan LaBonte took a few minutes out of his busy schedule to visit the staffers at UAD. And nobody escapes (typically) our office without getting their photo taken. Jonathan is actually a big fan of Uncle Andy’s Digest and he’s shown here getting his 3rd or 4th dose of humor that particular month.

"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving." — Lao Tzu

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...

Out ’n About at the Community Credit Union Poker Run

NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required • Fully warranteed & certified • $60/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

333-0364

March 2014

You’ll be smiling too after our daddy fixes your car at a reasonable price!

2nd Place $500 Cash Prize awarded to Wayne Clifford, presented by Dr. Rose Sheline of Center St. Dental and Kerry Wood of CCU.

Marek & Mallory age 7

age 4

St. Paddy’s Day Party

GREEN BEER $7 Cornbeef Dinner 4-6pm • Dancing at 7pm DJ Scotty Dawg • Drink Specials

Saturday, March 15th

New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street, Auburn 782-9039

Members’ Meeting Sunday, March 29th 3:00pm Membership dues in by March 31st

Remote Heated Starters & Seats

1st Place $1,000 Cash Prize awarded to Yvan Gauvin, presented by Dr. Rose Sheline of Center St. Dental and Kerry Wood of CCU.

Hunting Flies Submitted by Thomas Hill

A woman entered her kitchen and found her boyfriend waving a fly swatter.

"What in heaven's name are you up to?" she asked.

"Killing flies," he said.

"Oh. Get any?"

"Yep, two males, three females," he answered.

"Oh come on! How do you tell them apart?"

216 Center Street, Auburn Next to Republic Jewelry Parking in back of building

777-3339 www.soundeffectsmaine.com

Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all. – Stanley Horowitz

"Two were on a beer can, three were on the phone."

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Back to the Future Uncle Andy’s Style Picture from our 1997 archives

Ray Berube

"I wonder why you can always read a doctor’s bill and never his prescription?"

— Finley Peter Dunne

Got Sand?

HUGE SALE NOW GOING ON! What the pros use!

Stop in or call for more information & pricing!

REGGIE’S SALES & SERVICE Your Local Four Season Power Equipment Dealer Where the Pros shop!

1334 Minot Ave, Auburn • 783-0558 Hours: Monday, Wednesday, Friday 7:00 am - 6:00 pm • Saturday 8:00 am - 1:00 pm

Travis Pontbriand Back in 1997 we asked Travis this question: What do you like about UNCLE ANDY'S DIGEST? Travis said, "It's free!"

17 years later Travis stands by his words. Good thing you never got into politics, Trav.

Did You Know?

The world's tallest mountains, the Himalayas, are also the fastest growing. Their growth - about half an inch a year - is caused by the pressure exerted by two of Earth's continental plates (the Eurasian plate and the Indo-Australian plate) pushing against one another.

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South Africa is the only country with three official capitals: Pretoria, Cape Town, and Bloemfontein.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 OUR TIRES

10% off for ANY Service with Coupon!

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• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

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782-6666 or 783-2026

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".

Wally and Beaver had a baby alligator which they kept in the toilet.

If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.

True Magic Submitted by Jimbo

AUTO BODY COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING We are a professional collision repair and painting facility.

All work is guaranteed! Free estimates.

SNOW SLEET ICE

WE’RE HERE FOR YOU! FOR SALE! $5,995

1111 Center Street, Auburn

782-6515 2002 Audi Quatro A4 Wagon 3.0

Tasha Pelletier, Model

110k, Loaded, Leather, Roof, Heated Seats, Runs Great!

MARKETING mar·ket·ing [mär-kə-tiŋ]; noun The activities that are involved in making people aware of a company's products, making sure that the products are available to be bought, etc.

All the dictionaries suggest you call Uncle Andy’s Digest to do more marketing! 207-783-7039 or editor@UncleAndys.com Egocentric: a person who believes he is everything you know you are

A doctor and an engineer entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking around, the doctor stole three chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole three chocolate bars and no one saw me.

You can't beat that."

The engineer replied, "Okay, you wanna see something better? Let's go back to the store and I'll show you real stealing."

So they both went up to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, "Hey, would you like to see some magic?"

The shop boy replied, "Yes!" The engineer said, "Give me one chocolate bar." The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it... He asked for the second, and he ate that one as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, "Okay, what are you trying to pull here?

Where's the magic?"

The engineer replied, "Check in my friend's pocket. You'll find all three bars."

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Funny Fortune Cookies

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Welcome to the Team!

1. Some days you are pigeon, some days you are statue.

Today, bring umbrella.

Tom Winslow has joined our expert staff. He is an ASE Certified Mechanic & brings 15 years experience.

Tom wants to welcome all his previous clients to Quality Care Auto for all their service needs.

2. Your reality check about to bounce.

3. Wise person never try to get even. Wise person get odder.

4. Two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

5. Your inferiority complex not good enough. Try harder.

6. When chosen for jury duty, tell judge fortune cookie say “guilty!”

7. Stop eating now.

Food poisoning no fun.

8. You are cleverly disguised as responsible adult.

9. Tomorrow at breakfast, listen carefully: do what rice krispies tell you to.

10. Drive like hell, you will get there.

183 Lisbon Street • Lisbon

Tom Winslow

353-9862

qualitycareautorepair.com

I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend.

The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut!

May you work like you don't need the money, Love like you've never been hurt, and Dance like no one is watching.

Mystery Photo Does anyone recognize this Lewiston High School Coach?

– Irish Proverb 11. Person who eat fortune cookie get lousy dessert.

12. Okay to look at past and future.

Just don’t stare. (continued on next page)

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Submitted by Andy Carrier

Find answer somewhere in this magazine...

The double-helix structure of DNA was discovered in 1953 by James Watson and Francis Crick. The length of a single human DNA molecule, when extended, is 5’ 5”.

The emperor penguin is playful, and often times lies on its chest and side to slide along the ice and snow.

Leprechaun Loans Available Here!

The first day of Spring is March 20th.

Come see us for a very competitive loan for any of your outdoor toys.

(continued from previous page)

13. Wise person either need good manners or fast reflexes.

14. Soup was secret family recipe made from toad. Hope you liked!

15. You will soon have an out of money experience.

16. Probability of being seen directly proportional to stupidity of act.

17. He who dies with most toys, still dies.

18. Person who rests on laurels gets thorn in backside.

19. Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.

Call Dane, Ken, or Michele today!

Great Falls Federal Credit Union 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 *Restrictions & qualification apply

www.GreatFallsfcu.com

20. Person who give self haircut after rice wine will be buzzed.

21. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

22. Hard work pay off in future. Laziness pay off now.

23. Life is a sexually transmitted condition.

24. Give person fish, he eat for day.

Teach person to fish, he always smell funny. (continued on page 25)

The 1980s song "Rosanna" by Toto was written about the actress Rosanna Arquette.

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March Madness 20% OFF BURGERS 30% OFF All Draft Beers Every Monday in March

Come Party with Us! on St. Paddy’s Day and try Mac’s own Cornbeef & Cabbage!

Mmm... Just Wicked!

16 bee rs o + full m n tap enu!

Come watch the tournament on our 11 TV’s in our NEW 1300 sq. ft. bar area.

Jack Daniel’s Whiskey Dinner Come enjoy a 4 course dinner at the best steak house around!

March 25th • Social Hour: 5:30-6:30 • Dinner follows • $49 p.p.

Limited Seating — Purchase tickets in advance!

Mac’s Grill 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-6885

You’ll find a pot o’ golden fuel here!

Hustle over to Mac’s side of the court!

macsgrill.com

(continued from page 23)

"Don’t let making a living prevent you from making a life." — John Wooden

25. Person who argue with idiot is taken for fool.

26. Look before you leap. Or wear a parachute.

27. The end is near, might as well have dessert.

28. This fortune no good. Try another.

29. Of all 27 alternatives, running away is best.

30. Closed mouth gathers no feet.

31. So sorry, the fortune you are seeking is in a different cookie.

32. In one hour, you will again be hungry.

33. You were just googled by insurance salesman.

Take precaution.

Did You Know?

The average human body contains enough: iron to make a 3 inch nail, sulfur to kill all fleas on an average dog, carbon to make 900 pencils, potassium to fire a toy cannon, fat to make 7 bars of soap, phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads, and water to fill a ten-gallon tank.

We challenge you to try folding a piece of paper more than 7 times.

It can’t be done.

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Out ’n About at Cassiel’s Day Spa in Lewiston

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

St. Paddy’s Day Party Monday, March 17th

Party kicks off at 8:30pm • DJ Scotty Dawg • Drink & Food Specials • Dancing

Barbara Gagne Spa Coordinator

Go green — wear green & WIN!

Come to Cassiel’s. They treat you right!

128 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls • 345-7040 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

(We’re shooting for all 4 to appear in UAD)

March Over and Enjoy Our Food!

Kendra Gobeil & Kim Jalbert

Lucky you thought of us for lunch!

Daily Specials: Monday: Ham Italian ...................sm. $1.59 lg. $2.59 Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza ............................$3.99 Wednesday: Chicken Salad ..........................sm. $1.99 ........................................................................lg. $3.49 Thursday: BLT Bowl of (Chili $3.99) ......................................................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Friday: Tuna Italian ......................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Saturday: Baked Beans ................qt. $3.59 pt. $2.59 Sunday: .................................$2.00 off any large pizza

Come relax your body, mind & soul.

Kathy& Nikki

Try us once, you’ll be a regular!

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET Ashley Moser Massage Therapist, Cometologist & Esthetician

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2 Main Street, Sabattus

375-8502

OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm

BUY 1 LARGE PIZZA

Expires 3.31.14

GET 1 FREE* Not to be combined with any other special

*equal or lesser value

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

"Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand." — Confucius

HARRIS BROTHERS

Bookkeeping Plus

PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

Call us!

No Separating Required!

743-3891 HARRIS BROS.

QuickBooks Classes Offered Bookkeeping Services

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

“Doing business without advertising is like winking in the dark, you know what you’re doing but nobody else does.” – Guerrilla Marketing

Join all the other smart business owners you see in this magazine... you’ll be glad you did!

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST 783-7039 • editor@UncleAndys.com

March Specials with Ashalie Womens Cut . . . . .Only $10 Mens Cut . . . . . . . .Only $5 Walk-ins Welcome or by Appointment Ashalie

All About You Salon

9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124

1525 Lisbon Street, Lewiston 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 MySelco.com

S A N I PLUS

ADD A NEW BATHROOM FOR YOUR CELLAR No Need for Chiseling or Building Up a Floor Base

The S A N I PLUS is the answer for most toilet and bathroom situations.

It can be installed up to 15 feet below the sewer level and/or 150 feet away from a soil stack. The S A N I PLUS is simple to install, pumps away waste water from a toilet, hand basin, bathtub and shower, and is connected to a low consumption toilet.

Quality Used Furniture at affordable prices!

Buying Single Items or Entire Estates!

386 Minot Avenue • Auburn 312-9139 • past2presentfurniture@gmail.com

41 Broad Street, Auburn • 784-5407

Past 2 Present Furniture

Don’t Stress in that Dress!

VISIT RachelVerrillEvents.com or Call 740-1409

GOT HEAT?? FREE winter Checkup With Ad

“She did our wedding. Absolutely AMAZING JOB! Highly recommended! Thank you for everything you made our special day so much better!"

– Josh Tice

Photo taken by La Belle Vue Photography

It was so cold... We had to stop eating with metal cutlery.

Some people walked around for days with forks stuck to their tongues!

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Out ’n About at the L/A Arts Ice Festival

The number one cause of death is too many birthdays.

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Suzanne & Ron I heard the Pirates might need some help later at their game. I brought my stuff...

Shirley

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

I have been eating at Rolly’s Diner almost everyday since the day they opened! The food, the service and the prices are all good. My favorite meal here is the Boiled Dinner and March is the month to try it yourself!

Johnson

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

LOVES Rolly’s Diner!

The only problem with having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest.

– Franklin P. Jones

Robert & Pauline

Tasty An apple, onion, and potato all have the same taste. The differences in flavor are caused by their smell.

To prove this you can pinch your nose and take a bite from each.

They will all taste sweet.

The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.

– Richard J. Needham Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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SPRING OPEN HOUSE March 28th, 29th, & 30th

One Stop Shopping • Great Customer Service 9 Rooms filled with EVERYTHING you NEED to decorate your home & so much more!

Hand-Made Items • Custom-Made Furniture • Linens • Rugs • Luminary Candles • Antiques • Prints • Byers Choice Carolers • Fabric Upholstered Furniture • Re-Upholstering Clubs • Willow Tree Angels Lay-a-ways • Private Parties • Punch Cards • Timer Candles Birthday Club • Senior Day • Monthly Drawing

Willow Tree Primitives 754-8784

850 Main Street Lewiston, Maine 04240 Open 7 Days a Week 10am - 5pm When things go wrong, don't go with them. – Elvis Presley

On St. Paddy's Day I like to make believe I'm Irish. Just like at Christmas when I make believe I'm good.

into

and get ready for your vacation!

Spring

Spa Pedicure

March Special

Kelly Giambra

Ann Dumais

Sue Poulin

Lysa Ronan

Kelly Dumont

Amy Beaule

Only $30 Normally $43

We are a full service salon

786-4311 14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm • Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.

– Andy Borowitz

This month at Gipper ’s

St. Paddy’s Day Monday, March 17th

Enjoy our Cornbeef Boilded Dinner

ALL DAY! Plus really cool drink specials

Red Sox Opening Day Mon. March 31st, 3:05pm start Bleacher Beers, Fenway Franks, Stadium Sausage, Big Pretzels & more!

Come sit in the bleachers and watch the game!!

VOTED #1: Best Sports Pub & Best Burgers in L/A area!

HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight

120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. – Brendan Gill

The Tiff Submitted by Thomas Hill

Walking into the pub, Patick said to the bartender, "Pour me a tall one, Sean. I just had another tiff with the wife."

"Oh yeah," said Sean.

"And how did this one end?"

"Well I'll tell ya now when it was over," Patick replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees, she did.

"You don't say? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you wuss!

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Who’s There?

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ The Dalai Lama

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old. The first one said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady says, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one says, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood." As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, "That must be the door... I'll get it!"

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Photo credit: Brigid Chapin Photography

Submitted by Thomas Hill

From bringing the heat to belting out the baritone

Larry Gowell Larry Gowell recently performed at the Franco Center in Lewiston. He’s shown here hitting a high note. Larry is an Auburn native and still lives there. He is a former New York Yankees pitcher and a ball he hit (a double) off Jim Lonborg of the Milwaukee Brewers is in the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, N.Y. Just so happens that hit was the last by a starting pitcher in the American League before the DH rule went into effect.

Well, Larry, you’re already famous, so we won’t waste our breath about the fame you’ll get for appearing in our great little magazine throughout Central Maine. Congrats, Larry!

The average adult male ostrich, the world's largest living bird, weighs up to 345 pounds.

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

I was in JC Penny’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

“Ah! So many pedestrians… so little time.” – Robin Williams

Get Your Green On!

Out ’n About at the Community Credit Union Poker Run

All Leprechauns Eat at the Village Inn! Peace be with you!

Luck O’ Irish will land on you when you make the Village Inn a regular jaunt!

And also with you!

Laurie Pelletier & Jhanae Laplante volunteers at the registration table

Hey Courtney!

Village Inn, 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com Advice - "Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

Hey Courtney!

Maggie

Courtney Gibbens & Courtney Sawyer

June Tanner

volunteer dealers at Poker Run

Gene

Holy Theroy

Uncle Andy

Submitted by Jimbo

Thomas

Jimbo

Required daily nap time at the offices of Uncle Andy’s Digest My bank sent me a letter saying it's the last time they will spend 50 cents to tell me I have 2 cents in my account.

A boy and his family went to a fancy restraunt and the little boy said, "Daddy I don't like cheese with holes in it".

His father said, "Well just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of your plate" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2014

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Dream to Fly Submitted by Thomas Hill

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

— Thomas Edison

Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have actually turned their dreams into reality. His story is true, even though you may find it hard to believe.

Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him.

So, when he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others fly the fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying.

Then one day, Larry Walters got an idea.

He went down to the local Army-Navy surplus store and bought a tank of helium and forty-five weather balloons. These were not your brightly colored party balloons, these were heavy-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fully inflated. Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in your own back yard.

He anchored the chair to the bumper of his

Affordable Office Solutions • 550 Lisbon Street in the Pepperell Mill, Lewiston (former She

(continued on next page)

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I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.

(continued from previous page)

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Is your office in need of an upgrade?

Whether you just ne ed a new office chair or a complete office redesign,

Se e Us First!

550 Lisbon Street in the Pepperell Mill, Lewiston

Stop in a nd talk to the PR EMIER Office So lutions Speciali sts in th e state!

jeep and inflated the balloons with helium.

Then he packed some sandwiches and drinks and loaded a BB gun, figuring he could pop a few of those balloons when it was time to return to earth.

His preparations complete, Larry Walters sat in his chair and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily float up a ways, and then lazily back down to terra firma. But, things didn't quite work out that way.

When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up - he shot up as if fired from a cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet.

He climbed and climbed, until he finally leveled off at eleven THOUSAND feet! At that height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying! So, he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss as to how to get down.

Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles International Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet... with a gun in his lap. (Now there's a conversation I would have liked to

erm Arnolds Flooring & Kitchen) • www.cubiclesinmaine.com • 783-4820 or 1-866-464-CUBE (continued on next page)

Car sickness is that feeling you get every month when the payment is due.

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(continued from previous page)

A house cat has 18 claws.

have heard!)

LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the coast begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to sea.

At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him. But, the rescue team had a hard time getting to him, because the draft from their propeller kept pushing his homemade contraption farther and farther away.

Eventually they were able to hover over him and drop a rescue line with which they gradually hauled him back to earth.

As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested.

But as he was being led away in handcuffs, a television reporter called out to ask, "Mr. Walters, why did you do it?"

Larry stopped, eyed the man for a moment and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

SOUP IS ON y r e k a B r a l l e C e n i W &

72 Lisbon Road • Lisbon • 353-7552 BenoitsBakery.com

th

Monday, March 17

• Irish soda bread • St. Patty’s Day cookies, cakes, cupcakes • Green frosted donuts • Bailey’s Irish Cream filled donuts • Jamison Whiskey glasses donuts & More!

Little Known Fact A female swine, or a sow, will always have an even number of teats or nipples, usually twelve.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

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Guinness Beer mug cupcakes

is April 20th

• Hot cross buns • Cakes & pies • Wine • Fresh bread & rolls

Benoit’s Bakery • 72 Lisbon Road, Lisbon • 353-7552

BenoitsBakery.com The boss said if my work doesn't improve he'll fire me.

He can't because I don't do anything!

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

– Johnny Carson

Space Cadets Submitted by Thomas Hill

WICKED GOOD FOOD ON YOUR WAY TO THE CASINO! Fuel up with some wicked-tasty home-style food on your way to the casino!

Wall of Fame Inductee!

Family-style restaurant serving breakfast & lunch daily!

“Home of the Double Yolker”

Egg-ceptional Restaurant

Mark Ballard of Mechanic Falls, Maine Conquer a full-size omelette and have your picture added to our Wall of Fame!

5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577

How did you like my book? “It was good but a bit too long in the middle."

Jimbo and Uncle Andy are preparing to be blasted into space and have just left the mission briefing when Jimbo turns and says, “Uncle Andy, where are we going?”

Uncle Andy replies, “Well Jimbo, the man in charge said we are on a mission to the sun.”

“OK,” says Jimbo, he thinks for a while and then asks, “Won't it be a bit hot, it being the sun and all?”

“Don't be stupid, Jimbo,” says Uncle Andy, “the man said we'd be going at night.”

Gwendolyn Lacombe shown here with all of her birthday gifts

Gwendolyn figured that donating her gifts to the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society was the way to go. She didn’t tell her family, but Gwendolyn confided to Jimbo that she is not really a fan of dog food. She prefers the chicken nuggets and fries at Burger King.

Seriously though, this seven year old young lady did a great thing foregoing traditional birthday gifts to help out animals in need. We’ll bet this will make a positive impression for a long time to come. Nice job, Gwendolyn!

We’re pretty sure that your Aunty Margaret will splurge on a happy meal for her beautiful grand niece.

Photo submitted on the UAD Facebook page by Caitlin Rider, Gwendolyn’s Aunt.

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

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Back to the Future Uncle Andy’s Style Picture from our 1997 archives

Chewing gum, according to research carried out at the University of Northumbria, can improve your memory significantly.

Jim’s Rent It

• Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles

Adam Dow Back in ‘97 Adam Dow was our Roger Ebert (remember Siskel & Ebert?)

Adam’s movie reviews were so good that Roger Ebert considered Adam to be Siskel’s replacement. We hear that Adam turned him down to stay close to home and pursue a career in banking.

Speaking Part Submitted by Thomas Hill

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.

Lowest priced car rental in the area!

Car accidents, no problem!

We offer insurance-paid car rentals

Call 784-5438 for details 1097 Center St., Auburn What is the difference between a miser and a canary?

One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.

Any one who can identify all these beautiful people will win a free breakfast at Happy Days Restaurant!

PS: You must include middle names to win.

Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son.

Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

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There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided.

At last report, the survivors were marooned.

Back to the Future Uncle Andy’s Style

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

Picture from our 1997 archives

Featuring

131Vendors Open

7 Days a Week

9 AM - 5 PM We honor:

M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149

s Alway g n i y u B

500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

The Colonial Cupboard

Handmade Shaker Furniture Next to the Undercover Flea Market

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each

In-stock items finished & unfinished Need a certain special piece?

We do custom orders and sizes; quick turnaround, quality craftsmanship, and reasonable prices.

Open Sat. & Sun. 9am - 5pm thecolonialcupboard21@gmail.com

207-595-7774

INVENTORY REDUCTION

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Over the hill is better than under it.

Mike “Big Bird” Nadeau Uncle Andy has dabbled in used car sales over the years. He’s always claimed that he was self taught and could have sold cars anywhere for anyone.

So folks, here’s the real truth... It was Mike “Big Bird” Nadeau, now sales manager at Emerson Toyota, that tried to teach Uncle Andy how to sell cars. But Andy would never listen and always did his own thing. So Mike got frustrated and told Andy where to go.

Well Mike, we can relate.

Uncle Andy has claimed for years that his new plan was to save gas and work from the office on a daily basis. To learn the computer and contact all of his clients via email, text or Facebook them from now on.

Funny, we don’t see him at the office, now he’s on the road all the time playing tennis, hiking, skiing or on the coast somewhere. Apparently Uncle Andy has figured it out after all.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2014

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Your Cat’s New Years Resolutions

I don't eat health foods at my age... I need all the preservatives I can get.

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My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

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There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance. – Tom Robbins

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the

Hockey, it’s in our blood.

And it runs in the family!

There is Pirate lovers all around L/A...

Travis Lemay, Gina Goyette-Lemay, David Goyette & Carol Goyette Gina won a 4-pack of tickets to a recent Portland Pirates game by winning one of our “Caption Contest” on our Facebook page. Way to go, Gina!

We appreciate the photo. Looks like you, your hubby and your parents had a great time.

For those of you who received a book from me for Christmas, I just got notice that they are due back to the Library on Tuesday.

"You will never change your life until you change something you do daily."

– Mike Murdoch

(continued on next page)

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When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.

(continued from previous page)

To see at night as well as an owl, you would need eyeballs as big as a grapefruit.

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patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

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May this be the year that we collectively tune out Reality TV and tune into...reality!

– Steve Bhaerman

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I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

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When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

y Owne

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

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When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock. (continued on next page)

My wife tells me I'm a skeptic - but I don't believe a word she says.

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Jimbo UncleAndys.com 39

(continued from previous page)

There are 2 credit cards for every person in the United States.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched The Walking Dead.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

Little Known Fact In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run."

On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

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L AU NDROMAT • C LE ANE RS • CO I N -O P

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Have you heard about that online origami store? It folded.

The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

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Out ’n About at the Androscoggin County Entrepreneurs gathering at DaVinci’s A monthly gathering of entrepreneurs, investors and business professionals. Last month featured Emile Clavet as the guest speaker.

There’s no place I’d rather be than in a room filled with entrepreneurs.

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The idea that all men are created equal loses everything if you believe that men were not created.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2014

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Out ’n About at the L/A Arts Ice Festival

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too."

The ice sculptures are loving this cold I’d say...

Cold?

I thought it was kind of balmy today.

Annie, Josie & Rebecca

Hailey & Carol Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 6 to 8 inches a year because it's built on top of an underground reservoir.

Wells are drawing out more and more water for the city's growing population of more than 15 million people.

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Why does Miss Universe always come from Earth? It’s like the rest of the planets aren’t even trying. – Jason Love

If you can't afford health insurance, just do what I do: rely on the placebo effect.

– Greg Tamblyn

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Submitted bt Jimbo

Uncle Andy and his wife had been shopping at a large mall most of the day, when she realized that she'd completely lost track of Andy.

After searching all over, she finally called his cell and said, “I've looked everywhere.

Where are you?”

Uncle Andy replied, “Baby, remember that jewelers where you saw the matching diamond pendants and went all gushy for them and I couldn't afford 'em them so I swore I'd get them for you someday?”

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His wife, feeling all warm and happy inside, said, “I do remember that, darling.”

“Well, I'm in the sports bar right across from that shop.”

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

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Banana... Banana who?

Banana split so ice creamed!

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Choices Submitted by Thomas Hill

Two engineering students were out mountain biking. One of them asked the other, "Where'd you get that cool bike, anyway?"

His engineering friend said, "It was weird. I was exercising on the quad the other day and this gorgeous girl coasted by on her bike.

She stopped, watched me for a few minutes, jumped off the bike, took all her clothes off, and told me I could have whatever I wanted.

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The first engineering student thought a second, then nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. I doubt the clothes would have fit."

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People often say that motivation doesn't last.

Well, neither does bathing that's why we recommend it daily.

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The Rules of Chocolate Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

"The shell must break before the bird can fly."

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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

"All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, or speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words, Some Assembly Required."

Whenever I delete an app from my iPhone, the shaking icons make me think they're panicked over who's being cut from the team.

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Out ’n About at the Community Credit Union Poker Run

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Tyla was at the Motor Vehicle Bureau applying for a driver's license filling out the forms. When she came to the line "Color of Hair," she put, "L'oreal Preference 8 1/2B."

Little Known Fact In 1953, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz signed a contract for $8 million to continue producing and starring in the "I Love Lucy Show" on CBS. It was the richest contract in television at that time.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2014

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Grazing

Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. – Charles Schulz

Submitted by Jimbo

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

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"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy

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(continued on next page)

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Why don't penguins fly? They're not tall enough to be pilots.

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. – Douglas Adams

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Out ’n About at the Community Credit Union Poker Run

Jessica, Sean, Cat, Kerry & Shelby

(continued from previous page)

Watch our website & Facebook page for upcoming ! h c r a M Advanced Pistol & Defensive Shotgun classes Coming in

task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.

Thank you for taking all of us with you."

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The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place... the grass is almost a foot high!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2014

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Outwitted

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Submitted by Thomas Hill

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly, "Mmm...that was delicious lion meat!"

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks...I better leave while I can."

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

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So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, "Get on my back, we'll go get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, "Where the heck is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

– Mark Twain

Confucius Say: Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Wasn’t Attached Submitted by Thomas Hill

Uncle Andy had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After he finished his wine, he went to the men’s room, then walked out through the bar.

It was a beautiful evening, so Uncle Andy decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home.

When he arrived at his front door, he realized he didn’t have his keys, which were in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom.

I’d like to advance to the next spiritual plane, but I can’t find my boarding pass.

– Melanie White

He walked back to the restaurant and found his jacket in the men’s room, and realized he’d left his hat on the table.

Uncle Andy strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked, “Andy, Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.”

Little Known Fact The average person releases nearly a pint of intestinal gas by flatulence every day.

Most is due to swallowed air. The rest is from fermentation of undigested food.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2014

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To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.

Funny Uncle Submitted by Thomas Hill

BACKGROUND

A man was taking his pregnant (with twins) wife to the hospital when they got into a car accident.

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The question is, where do they go?

The hospital was in a real hurry with the birth certificates and I had to name the kids, because you and your wife were both unconscious."

"Oh no," thought the husband, "what has he done now?"

"Well, what did you name them?" he asks.

His brother says, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband says, "Why that's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

"Denephew."

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Out ’n About at the L/A Arts Ice Festival

Did you ever notice, whenever you need your keys the most, that's when they're the hardest to find?

Let Ann’s Flowers help make your day lucky and bright!

Share a blooming smile!

Can we hurry this along? I’d like to get back to my ring around the rosies...

Jon, Avery & Meghan Levesque

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457

annsflower.com "Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead. " - Bill McGlashen They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older.

What they don’t tell you is that

Behind me to my right is a great ice sculpture that looks a lot like my doll house.

you won’t miss it very much.

– Malcolm Cowley

Tours by Kira

Dad, is it okay if I stick my tounge on the ice sculpture?

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"The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about. " - Evan Esar

“The best revenge is massive success”. ~ Frank Sinatra

Proud Mom I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don’t want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it’s doing.

Another old saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold. But it feels best served piping hot, straight out of the oven of outrage.

– Mindy Kaling

Out ’n About at NuImage Canvas & Upholstery in Auburn From the back...

Or the front...

NuImage Canvas & Upholstery has got you COVERED! See our ad on page 8.

Lorry Lyons Lead Stitcher

Bye Bye Winter

SICK OF WINTER SALE! Clearance on Burn models • Warehouse models Overstock models • Discontinued models

WOOD • GAS • PELLET

FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP 1220 Center St., Auburn

784-9249 www.firesidestoveshop.com I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Little Known Fact In most American states, a wedding ring is exempt by law from inclusion among the assets in a bankruptcy estate. This means that a wedding ring cannot be seized by creditors, no matter how much the bankrupt person owes.

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Little Known Fact Historians report that the Roman Emporer Gaius (Caligula) (A.D. 37-41) was so proud of his horse that he gave the animal a place as a senate counsul before he died!

"Don't prepare. Begin.

Our enemy is not lack of preparation. The enemy is resistance, our chattering brain producing excuses.

Start before you are ready."

"The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. " – George Jessel

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If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?

– Steven Pressfield

Out ’n About at a Portland Pirates game at the Colisee in Lewiston for Cole’s birthday celebration

Cole, it’s your birthday, I’m gonna ask the Pirates coach if you can skate a shift...

Logan & Cole

Eric, Logan, June & Cole Mystery Photo Answer:

The mystery photo on page 22 is Dustin Carrier, Swim Coach at Lewiston High School.

He also owns Carrier Lawn & Landscape.

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"Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples. " – George Burns

"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. " - Ben Bergor

College Perks Submitted by Thomas Hill

Dear Dad,

20% Off for patients with no insurance

A $25 Gas Card for patients with insurance (Cannot be combined with any other offers)

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on

Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad Some animals produce their own lights, called bioluminescence. The Brazilian railroad worm has a red light on its head and green lights down its side. All it needs to drive on the street is a turn signal.

Dr. Tim Towle, DMD surrounded left to right by Kathy Raithel, Cindy Farrington, Terri Bernier, Marcia Visconti, Debbie Hicks & Madison Landry

“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day.

Don't clean it up too quickly."

– Andy Rooney

"There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting. " - Mark Twain

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2014

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Out ’n About at Cassiel’s Day Spa in Lewiston We have the right touch... let us pamper you!

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Book your Bridal Party with us and Receive a $50 Gift Card for your special day!

We add tranquility to your special day by providing you with exceptional services, a spacious and elegant bridal suite, two dressing rooms for your comfort, and light refreshments.

Kendra Gobeil Massage Therapist

Annie Sutton gets a manicure

We’ve got something for everyone here at Cassiel’s.

• Hair Up-Do’s & Design • Make-up Application • Skin Care Treatments • Electrology • Manicures & Pedicures • Body Scrubs • Relaxing Massages • Body Waxing Contact our Event Coordinator to schedule a consultation and tour of our spa.

www.cassiels.com 71 EAST AVENUE • LEWISTON, MAINE

Jennifer Kritzer Manager Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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(207) 783-3321 "I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance; waiting for the bathroom. " – Bob Hope

Volunteers (front row L to R): Tammy O, Courtney G, Courtney S (sitting), Jessica B, Shelby W, Christina C & Betsy S. (back row L to R): Kerry W, Michelle S, Laurie P, Amy D, Nick H, Jen H & Audrey A.

Out ’n About at the Community Credit Union Poker Run

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it. – Bernard Bailey

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

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thedoggzinn@gmail.com • facebook.com/thedoggzinn

http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENT We have 6,000 sq. ft. of indoor heated comfortable play area.

We are the only facility in the state that offers everything for your pup, from daycare to grooming, transportation, dog food and supplies all under one roof!

Est. 2008 Sinceber Decem13 20

Since October 2013

Sin Januacrye 2014

Rosie & Sophie

Trotter Since January 2014

Gus

Charlie

Dog Grooming, Daycare & Boutique The only fully-staffed, cage-free, one-stop shop doggy daycare facility that offers 6,000 sq. ft. of climate-controlled indoor play area, and 20,000 sq. ft. of outdoor play area for small, medium and large dogs!

No payment contracts! If your dog doesn’t come to play, you don’t have to pay!

FULL DAYS OF PLAY AS LOW AS

$18 PER DAY!

Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers

65 Washington St., Auburn • 333-3640

A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet.

Engineer's Choice Submitted by Thomas Hill

SOPHIE & COMPANY ANIMAL SANCTUARY an organization dedicated to rescuing dogs and horses We are a rescue organization that started out rescuing dogs 6 years ago. This organization has been privately funded by Rebecka Campbell. She recently adopted a beautiful Mare out of Ontario Canada, for her personal use and it was at that time she was made aware of the issue and horrors of horse slaughter. Since then she changed her rescue from Healing Hounds to Sophie & Co. and has added horses and other animals to her rescue efforts. We just applied for non-profit status so that donations will be tax deductible.

Meet Timber He was rescued directly from the slaughter auction on February 7th in Pennsylvania. He is currently in quarantine for 30 days and awaiting transport to Maine. We are in search of a farm, with barns that someone would be willing to lease. Our efforts are not limited to this one horse, we will be continually raising funds to care for Timber, the 2 dogs we have in rescue already, bail money for future horses that end up in the kill pen and raising awareness to this horrific senseless issue. Anything you can donate would be greatly appreciated, even if it is your time. We would also accept used tack of any size that we can use to rehabilitate these beautiful creatures or sell to help care for them.

Costs for Timber to date: $3,105 Bail = $330; Quarantine = $390; Vet Care = $1,500; Transport = $885

“It made a difference to that one!”

We are on facebook, please like our page and share with all your friends!

Two engineering students were out mountain biking. One of them asked the other, "Where'd you get that cool bike, anyway?"

His engineering friend said, "It was weird. I was exercising on the quad the other day and this gorgeous girl coasted by on her bike.

She stopped, watched me for a few minutes, jumped off the bike, took all her clothes off, and told me I could have whatever I wanted.

The first engineering student thought a second, then nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. I doubt the clothes would have fit."

When a queen bee lays the fertilized eggs that will develop into new queens, only one of the newly laid queens actually survives. The first new queen that emerges from her cell destroys all other queens in their cells and, thereafter, reigns alone.

We have a paypal account set up and donations have already started to come in!

We would be happy to provide character references of people that have adopted from us or supported us in the past. Thank you so much for anything you are able to give!

Our state license # is available upon request.

Contact us: 65 Washington Street N., Auburn • 333-3640 sophieandcompany@gmail No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

When ants find food, they lay down a chemical trail, called a pheromone, so that other ants can find their way from the nest to the food source.

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Appetizers

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. – Fred Allen

Submitted by Jimbo

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

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Dress to Impress

S&J Suit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental is now located inside Sarah Jeanne’s at 77 Sabattus Street in Lewiston.

www.sjtuxedos.com See us for your wedding or prom!

ALL SUITS available for purchase

$

199

Does not include tailoring.

See one of our great stylists for a new Spring look!

Sarah Jeanne’s Family Hair Care, Day Spa & Tanning

Suit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental

77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston •SarahJeannes.com

795-6778 Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Brown Paper Submitted by Jimbo

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention.

"Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.

"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

— Fred Allen

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210

Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President

"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'."

Paid For Submitted by Jimbo

My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child.

At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."

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(207) 784-6413 Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

THANKS FOR PICKING US!

Do not neglect your Septic System

Service Rental Sales

For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

YwillOUR LEPR ECH AUN lo v e a R e mo t e St ar t e r Lifetime Guarantee

1339 Sabattus St. Lewiston

Many Pricing Options. Call for details 754-7873 It was so cold... We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our jackets

It was so cold... Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

Bragging Rights Submitted by Jimbo

Some race horses are staying in a stable.

One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

(L to R) Tim, Bill, and Pat

Stop in & see one of these guys for expert service & advice on the latest designs & models.

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

Partnering with Professionals

514-1137 Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail

Showroom Hours: Mon. Tues. Wed. Fri. 8am 4:30pm Open Thurs. until 6PM APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED

3 Middle Street, Lewiston showroom.redlon-johnson.com

Tim Fox Branch Manager 514-1104 • tfox@redlon-johnson.com Pat Bolduc Showroom Manager 514-1137 • pbolduc@redlon-johnson.com Bill Eccleston Showroom/Inside Sales 514-1136 • beccleston@redlon-johnson.com

In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on TV. – Erma Bombeck

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Monaco sits on the southern coast of France, near the border with Italy, and covers 0.73 square miles (approximately 1/2 the size of New York's Central Park).

Peewee Lewiston Junior Pirates Front row: Dustin Allard, Logan Alexander, Shawn Rodrique, Jacob Barrell, Reed Chapman, Hunter Hughes, Sam Payne, Ben Lane Robichaud & Bryson Dostie. 2nd Row: Bowden Dock, Jacob Lewis, Caroline Gepfert, Brie Dube, Aaron Perkins, Brock Geoffroy, Sam Payne & Hunter Hughes. Coaches: Eric Geoffroy, Heidi Gepfert, Jeff Alexander & Steve Dostie.

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

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Come On In & Find Out What We’re All About!

March Madness

At Lake City Exports All Month Long!

— Photo Contest — 1. We take pictures of our happy car buyers (with fun props if you choose) 2. We post them on our Facebook page.

3. You LIKE our page, LIKE your photo & share it to get more LIKES. 4. Photo with the most LIKES will win a $100 Gift Card to a local restaurant.

WIN

A $100 Gift Card to a local restaurant!

2008 Pontiac G5 Coupe

2007 Saab 9-5 2.3T

Auto, FWD, Alloy Wheels, Heated seats, AC, Sharp!

$7,990

5-speed, FWD, Roof, AC, CD Player, Low miles!

$6,990

2008 Nissan Sentra

2010 Mitsubishi Lancer

5-speed, FWD, Alloy Wheels, CD Player, AC, Nice ride!

Hours: Mon- Fri 8:30am - 5:00pm • Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm

865 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 333-3004

Did You Hear The BUZZ Coming From Liquid Sunshine?

CAR WASH & DETAIL

LIQUID SUNSHINE

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.

$8,990

6-speed, FWD, Alloy Wheels, CD Player, Eye catching!

$9,990

Visit out website for MANY other choices!

867 Center Street, Auburn

753-0033 LakeCityExports.com I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider’s web.