Anthropology at Yale

Because humans are complicated

What courses are offered in Anthropology?

What can you do with a major in Anthropology? Let recent students tell you.

Dear Attractive-Nose-Haver,

One day I will bite your nose. You won’t know when or why, but it will happen. My teeth will clamp around your tiny, little button nose, and you will have no escape. Your eyes will search for reasons and find none.

Woman with Teeth

Early Birds Distraught As Market Crashes After Recent Storm Reveals Hundreds Of Worms In Puddles

Dear Woman with Teeth, What?

Brand New Owner of a Nose Guard

“WELL, THE MIDTERMS CHANGED EVERYTHING,” EXPLAINS GUY WHO WOULD BE SMOTE DOWN BY ANY JUST GOD

Dear Bitable Nose with a Body Attached,

You heard me correctly. There is nothing that you can do. Not even your nose guard can save you now. My teeth have been reinforced with titanium and now I can even take nibbles out of the thickest of concrete, so your puny sheet of plastic will do nothing.

Woman with Teeth

I Brought My Dog To Therapy And Now He Thinks The Homework Is Eating Him

Dear Woman with Teeth, HAHAHAHAHAHA! But it looks like I’ve gotten your nose instead!

Owner of Two Noses

“WHAT’S ALL THIS HULLABALOO ABOUT!” SAYS MAN CAUSING HULLABALOO, ATTEMPTING TO DIVERT SUSPICION FROM HIMSELF

Wanted

FoR You To gRow up. To suppoRT This FamilY. To have some goddamn sTabiliTY FoR once.

Hey Carl,

Can we move on already? I know I said I was open to experimentation, but this wasn’t what I had in mind when you suggested roleplaying.

Best, Jenny No Nose

Everyone Too Scared To Feed Biggest Duck

Did You Know?

Your family and friends are all acting.

Cinema occupies the unique intersection of the audio and visual arts, fusing otherwise distinct mediums to create a nuanced and complex sensory experience. This editorial is exactly the same: the normal half is meant to be read aloud in your head, and the italicized half should go straight to mental pictures. For the full effect, simultaneously read the first half with your left eye and the second half with your right. If you can’t do that, you’re reading it wrong.

Listen, kid. The film industry is in trouble. Corruption is everywhere; leveraging connections is the only way to make it big in the pictures. You have to be experienced at backdoor dealings and under-the-table to survive in The City That Sleeps But Not That Much Because It’s Busy Making Movies, Los Angeles. As much happens behind the camera as in front of it, sometimes even more if the movie is short.

They don’t make it easy on the actors. No one bothers to teach you how to list a winning smile on a résumé. You have to jump through countless hoops to get a callback, even when you’re undeniably the most talented person at an audition. Odds are, you’ll still get beat out by some hoop-jumping spaniel in a person suit.

Writers have it even worse. Nobody cares about your script unless you have big names signed on and snappy summaries using keywords like “irreverent,” “cerebral,” and “critically acclaimed.”

If you can’t sell a script from a fifteen-second pitch, producers turn up their noses and greenlight another love letter to Old Hollywood.

Beyond unethical production, the content itself is driving the moral decline of production teams and viewers alike. People look to movies for guidance, but it is harder than ever before to tell a character’s mettle based only on the color of their hat.

A famous producer shakes hands with a casting director in the back room of an elite LA nightclub; they have just betrothed their children.

Tom Hanks calls in a favor with the president of Paramount to get a discounted ticket for a daytime showing of The Croods in 3D.

Producers show up at the door of attractive Los Angeles newlyweds to commission a baby.

The waiting room of a casting call for the role of “ugly child.”

An Ex Machina remake featuring a Roomba in lingerie.

Hamilton adapted for the screen using CGI to replicate the appearances and voices of the original founding fathers.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 3.

The world’s most famous dog cheats on his wife in the big city.

Belgians on the big screen. How did they get out?

Films are judged on spectacle rather than quality these days. Big movie theaters only play shameless money grabs, and independent theaters only play slow-motion videos of old men sneezing. Hollywood is at risk of ruining the medium it claims to love.

The staff of the Yale Record decided it was time we stepped in. Like any self-respecting production team, we set out to recreate a classic.

Anything public domain was out of the question. Merchandise and spinoffs are where the profits hide, so if we were taking on a project, we needed to own all of it.

In a stroke of luck, we stumbled on an unopened letter from the Welles estate when searching through our mail for printing invoices to use as kindling. On his deathbed, Orson Welles –– titan of the film world and noted casual supporter of collegiate print comedy –– signed away all his film rights to his beloved childhood sled.

Despite supporting the celebration of childlike joy, the executor was incapable of processing a sled as a valid recipient of an inheritance. So, after the initial bequest bounced, we found ourselves with the rights to Citizen Kane 1 and a story that needed retelling.

A grumpy brother has a meet-cute with his cheery brother in their cop car.

Pornography

An all-human Life of Pi and an all-canine Slumdog Millionaire.

Argo: The Christmas Special.

12 Angry Men lunch boxes.

A child tries to slide down a snowy hill on their iPad.

A grown man sits at a table not crying. He looks sad but in a stoic and quietly tortured sort of way.

Shirley Temple tap dances on a grave.

Actors and actresses applaud as the Oscar is given out for longest movie.

But soon, help appeared — angels, in the shape of angel investors, in the shape of the Libertarian Party of the Southern Connecticut River Valley. When we explained our vision for the picture, they were ready and willing to help –– in exchange for access to an early version of the script and editorial control of all our content. We were back in business.

Show business.

A few sleepless nights and smashed cameras later, we had a movie: Citizen Kane 2. It was raw. Vulnerable. Unapologetically melancholic. Looking at our handiwork, it’s undeniable: we’ve brought the industry back to what it should be.

That’s why we do what we do.

Greta Gerwig sips scotch from a thimble made of gold.

Our editorial board sews our pockets closed.

Big government steals Americans’ hard-earned dollars right out from their unsewn pockets.

The postproduction team edits a movie until it’s not there anymore.

A crowded movie theater comes together to sing the national anthem.

— C. Rose Editor in Chief

Benjamin Hollander-Bodie ’24

Ezzat Abouleish ’25

Lillian Broeksmit ’25

Mia Cortés Castro ’26

Lily Dorstewitz ’24

Odessa Goldberg ’25

Amelia Herrmann ’26

Natasha Khazzam ’26

Andrew Lake ’26

Paola Milbank ’26

Alexis Ramirez-Hardy ’26

Tyler Schroder ’25

Thomas Varghese ’26

Sivan Almogy ’26

Evan Calderon ’25

Owen Curtin ’26

Jackson Downey ’25

Evan Gorelick ’25

Chet Hewitt ’25

Alice Khomski ’26

Sadie Lee ’26

Matt Neissen ’26

Alejandro Rojas ’26

Linden Skalak ’26

William Wang ’26

Staff:

Julia Arancio ’23

Kaleb Carey ’24

Arav Dalwani ’26

Alexa Druyanoff ’26

Samad Hakani ’26

Rena Howard ’25

Ariel Kirman ’26

Debbie Lilly ’26

Tyler Norsworthy ’25

Jimmy Ruskell ’26

Nicole Stack ’26

Elio Wentzel ’26

Joel Banks ’25

Patrick Chappel ’23

Madelyn Dawson ’25

Mari Elliott ’25

Zoe Halaban ’26

Adham Hussein ’26

Betty Kubovy-Weiss ’25

Alice Mao ’24

Simi Olurin ’24

Neil Sachdeva ’25

Lawrence Tang ’25

Zadie Winthrop ’26

Contributors: Garrett O’Neill

Dash Beber-Turkel ’26

Erita Chen ’26

Raffael Davila ’23

Aidan Gibson ’26

Audrey Hempel ’25

Colson Jones ’24

Sam Kumar ’26

Alejandro Mayagoitia ’25

Bella Panico ’26

Toby Salmon ’26

Cormac Thorpe ’25

Ge Yu SOM ’25

Ari Berke ’25

Brennan Columbia-Walsh ’26

Grace Davis ’26

Oz Gitelson ’26

Tristan Hernandez ’26

Jacob Kao ’25

Malia Kuo ’24

Maya Melnik ’25

Edwin Perez ’24

Claire Sattler ’23

Special thanks to: Our generous patrons at the Libertarian Party of the Southern Connecticut River Valley

Front Cover: Emily Cai ’25 (@loremily_ipsum), who kind of half-assed this one if we’re being honest.

Back Cover: Grace Ellis ’25, who has never actually seen a movie and used her powerful imagination to come up with what that might look like.

Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CL, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year

The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chair, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chair@yalerecord.org. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

All contents copyright 2023

Rules For The Movie Theater

For all of you nervous first-time goers, read below for the top ten must-dos at the movies.

1. Leave your shoes outside, please.

2. If a joke is made in the movie, make sure to tell the person seated next to you that you understood the joke, and if they don’t understand it, it is polite to explain the joke that you understand so well.

3. It’s distracting to leave your seat. It’s okay to pee if you need to pee, just please don’t leave your seat.

4. If you need to use your phone, please put it on speaker. It’s better to give everyone the opportunity to hear.

5. Read subtitles aloud for any blind people in the audience.

6. If you cough or sneeze, stand up and apologize.

7. The emergency eyewash is strictly for emergencies.

8. Tip the actors.

9. When the movie ends, wait for everyone else to exit safely before leaving.

10. Honestly, if you really wanted to be polite, you wouldn’t bother the movie theater workers and the concession stand man and the custodian. You wouldn’t force them to play a movie or pop popcorn for you. Who are you to think these people owe you their labor and time? It is really most polite to just stay at home. Use Netflix, you disrespectful bastard.

Upcoming Bond Titles

Die Again Another Day Kill Me Twice, Shame On You License to Serve: Wearing Her Majesty’s Diamonds 2 Time 2 Die James Bond 3: Thames Drift Bullets Never Kill James 6 Diamonds Forever Tomorrow The Gun That Wouldn’t Die Bullets Never Kill, Unless Provoked (The Spy With The) Thunderballs (Rated X) You Can Never Forever Again Bullets Are More Afraid Of You Than You Are Of Them

I Spy With My Little Eye Calamaripussy

Fear not, viewers! This is not a real train. It is simply a moving picture of one.

My Life As An Extra

They say that practice makes perfect and perfection makes you a star, so that’s all I do: practice. Practice as an extra hasn’t always been easy, however. My life is filled with many distractions that distract me from fully realizing my dreams of stardom.

It is easy to let a whole day slip by, so I have built practice into my morning routine. Each day, I grab a mug and sit at the dining room table, newspaper in hand, and pretend I am in the back of a scene set in a local coffee shop. One day I am an uptight investment banker from New York reading about a market crash, the next a mysterious aspiring author searching for inspiration in the obituaries. I look at the newspaper intensely, slipping my finger across the page like a first grader so viewers can tell that I am reading, and sip from my mug. And every morning, as I get into character, I hear irritation calling: “Good morning, honey,” or “Daddy, can you make me breakfast?” And every morning I have to respond, “Gretchen, get the fucking kids away from me, they are tampering with my craft.” She usually scoffs and says something under her breath about hating me and divorce, but I don’t care. She and the kids will never make me feel alive the way the camera does.

She doesn’t get it. If I don’t get the chance to practice, I make irreversible slip-ups. One morning, I had to tend to my sick kid, who ended up getting me sick as a result. During a big scene that day, I sneezed, which thankfully didn’t pick up on the microphones; but after sneezing, I absentmindedly picked a booger, ate it, picked another, and flicked it into a hole in the ground on set. I left the shoot mortified, and next thing I knew, my uncredited role as “funeral attendant” went uncredited to some other schmuck.

Moreover, no one understands the intensity with which I have to prepare for my roles. One time, I was cast as a background male prostitute on an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit . To get into character, I dressed in all leather, went out on the street, and found a wall to lean against. I smoked a cigarette to the butt and called out to potential customers, “You looking to have some fun tonight?” or “Just a nickel for a tickle of a pickle, baby, that’s the price.” Amazing practice, I thought, until I got arrested for prostitution. I tried to explain to the cops that this was just preparation for my upcoming role, but they did not care. No one does. No one appreciates what it takes to be a star.

Without me in the background, the scene is nothing. No one wants to see hotshot actors preening and parading around in their costumes and make-up. They want to see the real people tucked away in the background. They want to know about their life stories. Their hopes. Their dreams. They want to know what story they’re reading so carefully in the newspaper. They want to see me.

If someone is willing to kidnap me, tie me up, and hold me captive in their basement for a week so that I can practice for my upcoming extra role, please contact me.

— J. Wypasek

Movie Rating Scales That You Should Be Using

The current MPAA system is outdated. We need ratings that reflect the priorities of modern audiences. Since Hollywood is afraid to take action, I’ve done it myself.

G – Title must start with the initial G.

PG – Title must contain the initials PG.

Q – Quiet audience required. Viewers are not permitted to clap, cough, or cry, even if the dog dies. SO – Standing ovation expected, minimum seven minutes.

SOS – This film is a recently divorced director’s cry for help.

DD – Audiences must be able to name at least 5 films from Danny Devito’s filmography in advance of viewing.

W – White audiences allowed, but not welcome.

ACALPSCRV – All content approved by the Libertarian Party of the Southern Connecticut River Valley.

FEET ;) – Featuring ethically erotic use of toes.

FBT – This film fails the Bechdel Test. Film bros encouraged.

F – Film bros expressly forbidden.

X 2.0 – Audience members may be under 17 if they are cool enough.

2024 Sundance Lineup

This Sundance season, check out which films will be on display at the largest independent film festival in the United States.

Poppyseed Aquarius —A poppyseed is an Aquarius.

The Drummer in Our Band —Our band has a drummer. Who is he? What makes him tick? Why does he bang those silly little sticks together all the time? How does he know when to go rat-a-tat versus ba-dum-tss?

If a Man Bit a Dog — This avant-garde documentary pushes the bounds of modern cinema, asking uncomfortable questions such as: if a man were to bite a dog, what would happen?

Le Petit Mall Cop Qui S’appelle Paul Blart — This year’s submission for the international category is a subtle look into the quotidian troubles of a mall cop in the South of France.

Woof, Woof, No More: This Dog Bites Back — This documentary explores questions such as: if a dog were to bite a man, what would happen?

Poppyseed Aquarius — It’s so good that we can’t show it only once. What if someone had to use the bathroom the first time?

Casablanca? Casamigos. — Of all the tequila joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Pita with PETA — After their first documentary topped Skincare by Hyram’s list of “Top Ten Movies That Are Seriously Messed Up,” the creators of If a Man Bit a Dog sat down PETA’s Education and Outreach Team to make amends.

Poppyseed Aquarius — One more time for the people with feeble bladders.

A. Kirman

Kids Movies That Need Gritty Remakes

Diary of a Wimpy Kid — Gregory “Greg” Heffley received the seemingly innocuous gift of a journal to mark the start of his middle school journey. Now, twenty years later, the man remains trapped in a delusional state, fixated on a belief so dark it could drive any sane man mad — that he is still in seventh grade. Director David Fincher takes audiences into the mind of a true sociopath, recreating excerpts from the grisly personal diary of the man infamous for his 2021 arrest after breaking into the Westmore Middle School bathroom with a trash bag full of rotten Kraft singles.

Cars — It’s 2018. The cars grapple with their complicity in climate change as their every move pollutes the air of

Radiator Springs, the only home they’ve ever known. Sir Tow Mater drives off a cliff after watching a Greta Truckberg documentary on how his 1955 Chevrolet Task Force body causes carbon emissions that irreversibly damage the ozone layer. This film serves as both a crushing meditation on the vicious cycle of a car’s existence and a powerful call to arms to ban fracking, produced by that guy from the Vampire Diaries.

The Lego Movie — He narrowly avoided death under the feet of ignorant humans by what can only be ascribed to the will of God. Now, LEGO construction man Emmet undergoes a spiritual crisis as a cult of so-called “Master Builders” claim he is the only piece able to ascend and fight the tyranny of their giant oppressors. In a controversial casting move, real LEGO toys starred and were harmed in the making of this film in order to capture the gravity of their struggle. The gravity of the issues highlighted in the film’s poignant final line, “the Child that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked.”

Up — We follow beloved protagonist Carl as he grapples with the sorrow of losing his wife and unborn baby. Grief slowly overtakes him, culminating in a conclusion so tragic we can’t bear to put it into words. Director Werner Herzog states, “Death’s the final frontier in the journey of life, kids!”

— E. Chen

How To Raise A Child Actor

Raising a Child Actor is a job that is very HARD, but very IMPORTANT because THE CAMERA loves CHILDREN. My Child Actor’s name is JAMISON CLAIRE EDWARDS. She is a BELLY DANCER and she is very SKILLED for her age, which is NINE. I put her in a SHIPPING CRATE and she does films OVERSEAS. She is gone for a MONTH and returns with a very large CHECK. The business of Raising a Child Actor is CHALLENGING but REWARDING, and ANYONE, yes ANYONE, can do it.

To Raise a Child Actor you must first make your Child Actor BEAUTIFUL. MAKEUP can help, but it takes more than a PRETTY FACE to be BEAUTIFUL. Consider buying your Child Actor a FINE CUSTOM-FIT TOP HAT. There is nothing more APPEALING than a Child Actor in a FINE CUSTOM-FIT TOP HAT. A FINE CUSTOMFIT TOP HAT is the symbol of a STAR, and your Child Actor must DRESS THE PART. JAMISON CLAIRE stands out because of how NICELY FITTED her TOP HAT is. Every other Child Actor in that audition room is either DROWNING in their OVERSIZED TOP HAT or looking CARTOONISH in their MINIATURE one.

Understand that a JOB is a JOB. To get your Child Actor’s face on LARGE BILLBOARDS, say YES to EVERYTHING. Working in FOREIGN COUNTRIES can be DANGEROUS but it is worth it because JAMISON CLAIRE makes LOTS and LOTS of MONEY from the KIND MEN in KAZAKHSTAN. Other countries love Child Actors even more than WE AMERICANS do, and we made FIVE HOME ALONE FILMS.

You should get used to FAILURE and REJECTION, but teach your Child Actor that these things are WRONG and SHAMEFUL. This will ENCOURAGE them to do better. My little JAMISON CLAIRE used to CRY and CRY and CRY when she didn’t get a GIG. Now she is tough as NAILS, and also has very SHARP NAILS that she uses to CLIMB TO THE TOP. She has not FAILED at anything in TWO YEARS. She is the BEST JUNIOR BELLY DANCER in the Dakotas and is BELOVED in KAZAKHSTAN. Scaring her away from FAILURE has made her very SUCCESSFUL, with LOTS and LOTS of MONEY.

If you think your Child has the potential to be a Child Actor, you are most definitely ONTO

SOMETHING. Your Child’s SMILE is brighter than any other’s, their LAUGH more VIBRANT, their FECES less RANK. Your Child would look great in a FINE CUSTOM-FIT TOP HAT. Commercials, film, modeling — your Child has WHAT IT TAKES. Bestow upon them a name that is MEMORABLE and VOGUE and NON-ETHNIC. I call this the “ELLIS ISLAND”. This BUILDS CHARACTER. People love an ACTOR with a STORY, and also a HIGHQUALITY BLACK WOOL CUSTOM-FIT TOP HAT.

— S. Spaner

Parasite Oscar Acceptance

THE OSCARS: OFF-CAMERA

People always ask, what happens during the commercials at the Oscars? Last year, I put my life on the line and infiltrated the ranks of nominees, celebrities, and AMC’s very own Nicole Kidman to see what happens when the cameras go dark.

Snack Break – Ushers quietly walk the aisles handing out bags of prepackaged baby carrots, celery sticks, and ranch with inspirational notes in them: “You got this, champ,” “Acting isn’t for everybody,” and “Mommy will never be proud of you, Leonardo.”

Silence – Shhh. Finally, time for some damn peace and quiet.

The Ghost of Oscars Past – Directly following the “In Memoriam” segment, the host leads a séance to call down the spirits of those dearly departed from the past year and reveal their deepest, darkest secrets to publish on the Internet. Legend has it that Betty White had four confirmed kills during her Golden Girls run.

Sexy Time – It is raw and carnal, pure and adulterated. All bets are off when Meryl Streep, Morgan Freeman, and Timothée Chalamet are in a room together. The sexual tension is ripe, and boy, do they give the performance of a lifetime when America isn’t watching.

Wardrobe Change – Celebrities take lizard form for five minutes while the camera crew quenches their bloodlust on innocent fans along the Hollywood Strip.

— E. Thulin OWLSCAR

Three Frames

I’m making a movie about us, now. It’s a stop motion movie. There’s you, in clay, there’s me, in clay. There’s our house. The house is also clay.

I’m making a movie about the night you went. I’ve recreated every room in perfect clay detail. Clay windowsills with little clay flowerpots with little clay flowers. Clay bed we used to sleep in, clay blanket you used to pull over to your side, leaving me clay naked and shivering in the morning chill. And of course, on every clay table, little clay clay stop motion sets.

I thought about making those out of something other than clay. After all, if everything’s clay, it’s not clear that they’re supposed to actually be clay. But what was I to use — flesh? No, clay is the unifier. Like the noble atom, it gives a sameness to all things. Can’t you see that there’s beauty in that? Every surface in my house is covered in stop motion house sets. Every surface in every tiny stop motion house set is covered in tiny stop motion sets... this is the way it is, now. This is the way it’s been.

Stop motion movies aren’t easy to make. Every frame — every moment — has to be constructed meticulously by hand. Planned out well in advance. I rebuild every sixteenth of a second of the day you went. In order to get it right, I act it out myself first. I set up my tripod in the room where it happened and shoot myself, frame by frame, motion by almost imperceptible motion. The argument, the tears, the smashing of the clay sets. I’ll confess I used a large stuffed bear as your stand-in, the one you won me at that carnival in Durham. It’s not quite your size, but it works in a pinch. I didn’t have enough clay to make a lifesized model of you. It’s not quite your size, but it works in a pinch.

Sixteenth by sixteenth. I clutch the bear close to me. But the bear pulls away, and then it’s gone. The slam of the door only takes three frames. Three sixteenths of a second. The bear hates my clay. The bear doesn’t understand. I’m building an empire, a perfect iteration of truth that spirals again and again back in on itself and changes, evolves, one frame at a time. In pursuit of beauty. The bear doesn’t understand beauty.

Don’t you see, now? You could have had all of this forever. A tiny world, molded in your image. Beauty in every detail. You left my paradise of clay for a hell of flesh and blood. I hope you’re happy out there, burning. I’m happy in here, in clay perfection. Frame by frame, I ascend.