Sesame Street: A Promenade of Scandal

BY NICOLE STACK STAFF REPORTER

Lies. Deception. Hypocrisy. These are the values that define America’s most beloved children’s show behind the scenes. Writing this brings me no pleasure, but it is my moral duty. During my time as a camera operator on Sesame Street, I discovered some ugly truths that the people deserve to know.

First of all, Cookie Monster is viciously fatphobic. One day, I was eating a slice of cake in the break room, and he told me to “be careful,” because I “can’t afford the extra calories.” I was shocked. I thought he would be the last person to shame someone for eating dessert, but apparently his high metabolism gave him a superiority complex — and an honorary medical degree from the sounds of it. Not all of us can scarf cookies all day and stay limber, Mr. Monster.

Then I discovered that Elmo, despite all of his preaching about teamwork and kindness, is a greedy, self-centered bastard. He gets paid twice as much as most of his castmates, and when they tried to lower his salary, he threatened to quit. This so-called feminist is even fine with costar Miss Piggy making eighty-six cents to his dollar. I guess it really is “Elmo’s world”.

But the unprofessionalism doesn’t end there. Count von Count, the vampire famous for his numerical genius, doesn’t know any numbers past three. Even for numbers 1-3, the socalled Count requires a teleprompter. When I asked how he got the job in the first place, the Count replied, “Fuck you man, at least I have a speaking role.” That was when I discovered his accent is also fake, just another in a long line of lies.

However, none of this could prepare me for the on-set antics of Bert and Ernie. Their onagain-off-again romance proved particularly disruptive when they broke up during a live broadcast. Ernie began flinging insults and accusations at Bert, rather than his usual rubber duckies. Bert then refused to talk to Ernie for weeks, which meant their segment had to be filmed asynchronously until they finally reconciled. At which point, the pair began to act inappropriately in other ways that I will not disclose here; let’s just say the puppet hole is multi-purpose. This, combined with Oscar the Grouch’s raging misogyny and Abby Cadabby’s propensity for starting made for a very hostile workplace environment.

I haven’t even mentioned the Big Bird Incident, both because I signed an NDA and I do not wish to re-traumatise any surviving victims. But now, America, you know the truth. It’s time to wake up, say your ABCs, and face the music.