Getting Personal with Hollywood’s Finest

BY EMMITT THULIN STAFF REPORTER

The Yale Record recently had the chance to sit down with Jeremy Stokes — renowned actor, devoted husband, and subpar father — to talk about his most recent project.

Q: Mr. Stokes, it is great to have you here today. Congratulations on another hit. Can you tell us a little bit about the film and the process of making it?

A: Of course. First off, thanks so much for having me, I’ve been following your work for quite some time now. As far as production, I really have nothing to complain about. It was one of those serendipitous projects where everything just gelled. We had a great cast, great director, great catering crew, really great people all around to work with. With a film this serious, it takes a lot to get into character, and I appreciate everyone enabling me to really lean into that effort. My performance was really a team effort.

Q: Yes, I’m glad you mentioned that. In your interview with the LA Times you mentioned that it took you almost six months to get into character. What does it take for you to truly understand a role ? Do you feel like that was worth it?

A: Well, have you ever felt the rush from doing your own research and re- ally getting into your character’s skin? Of course you haven’t. It’s something magical that is reserved for us select few. You never really know a person until you can walk in their shoes, know the smell of their hair, and dig through their trash eating the scraps.

Q: Over the years your methods have gained a reputation for pushing the boundaries. Can you touch on that for our audience?

A: You plebeians wouldn’t understand the intricacies of my ways.

Q: Specifically, in this last project of yours which premiered last week, The Real Story of The Triangle

Shirtwaist Factory, how di you prepare for your central role as the fire-starter?

A: I burnt down Notre Dame.

Q: Um, okay, wow.

A: And I liked it. Because, you see, no project is too big or small for me.

I don’t do it for the money.

I do it because I care about my craft. To prepare for this interview, I followed you around day and night.

I had to know everything about you. I know you pee sitting down. I know you make payments to a Nigerian prince biweekly. I know you take a bite from your bar of soap after every shower instead of brushing your teeth. The juiciest tidbit? You still sleep with a ladybug nightlight and your manatee Pillow Pet. I knew that would be the grounding detail for my character.

Q: Your character?

A: Don’t worry about it.

Q: What gives you the right to follow me around like that?

A: It’s just showbiz, kid.

After the publication of this piece, Jeremy Stokes was arrested and charged with intent to commit arson, arson, vehicular manslaughter, stalking, and crimes against humanity. He was set free after this interview was declared inadmissible evidence in a court of law. Jeremy Stokes will be starring in a oneman autobiographical feature film titled I’ve Raised the Stokes, where he will be playing every person he has encountered throughout his entire life. The film is scheduled for release in 2029.

At press time, Stokes was being detained by security at Los Angeles International Airport after attempting to start a trash fire at TSA in preparation for playing the titular role of Jeremy Stokes, himself.