l
How do I manage my own emotions while parenting? How parents manage their own strong emotions and go about ending their marriage and creating a new way of life makes a major difference for their children. It is imperative that parents learn how to control conflict that is verbally or physically hostile, frequent, intense or focused on the children – the kinds of conflict that are most damaging to children. Responsible parenting includes respectful behaviour toward the child’s other parent. Continuing bitterness and anger between separated parents is likely to damage children much more than the separation itself. To prevent this happening, it may again be helpful to talk about your feelings with someone you trust (preferably outside the family) or with a professional from one of the services mentioned. Children whose parents are in high conflict are exposed to a number of scary, confusing, or traumatic experiences. Look carefully at this list of examples and note which of these your children has experienced. • • • • • • • • • •
Hearing hurtful words and insults towards one another. Hearing scary, dark threats in their parents’ voices Seeing threatening body language Seeing a parent being humiliated or physically hurt Hearing a parent screaming or crying Hearing a parent blaming the other parent harshly Feeling forced to choose one parent over the other Feeling a parent’s withdrawal Hearing whispering of older siblings/family members about what is happening Seeing signs of violence i.e. bruising, fearful parent
Detach your feelings about the separation from your parental responsibilities. In order to parent more effectively after divorce, regardless of the amount of time you have your children, you can reduce the exposure of this conflict.
38
