BE mpower THE MAGAZINE FOR WOMEN April - May 2022
MANAGING PESKY LEAKAGE How to stay antifragile when chasing goals
STRESS BUSTER DIET
SEXUALITY AFTER A BABY!
TABLE OF CONTENTS 06 Women Who Empower 08 Fashion & Beauty 13 Nutrition and Fitness 22 Women's Health 33 Business & Professional 46 Female Sexuality 53 Emotional Health 67 Women Empowerment 75 Coaching & Lifestyle 81 Family & Relationship 90 Healing with Energy 93 Horoscope
787.404.4355 | bempowerwomen@gmail.com www.bempowerwomen.com
Editor's Message Nancy Rivera President of Family Secret Helpers - Founder of their Projects Master Coach & NLP -Motivator- Author - Host & Producer of Podcast -Events
Can you honestly say that you love yourself? Are you having a hard time being happy with yourself?
It is so easy to focus on our faults. Doing this can make you upset. You may spend your time focusing on the people around you. Some people don't want to be alone and are afraid to do things on their own. This can really hinder your journey towards self-love as you have to learn to be comfortable being with yourself. So, read on to find out how to love yourself today. "If she lost a little weight, she would look even better." “How can you wear (or take off) that at the beach?" “Why is she so fat, if she says she eats healthy?" "I don't understand why she cut her hair, she looks horrible." “So pretty and she never fixes herself.” "She looks very good, but with surgery, anyone can."
These are some of the comments that we can hear throughout our lives. There are many criticisms and negative comments that we can hear, however you give these comments the power that you want. When you love yourself and know how valuable you are, these negative criticisms hurt you, however, we must remember that most of the time a person throws a criticism or negative comment it is because that person is hiding their own frustrations and insecurities. Remember that… Behind every inch of skin, behind every pound or so, every vein in your legs, every stretch mark, behind every face that accumulated lines and wrinkles in, every marked back and every flabby arm, each line of ink, of each haircut; there is a story.
We hide longings, joys, and terrors in the body. Sunburn on the cheeks. days without eating stomach pain and then butterflies. The memory of the sand on our feet. The cold in the hands and nose. The smell of rain and humidity. We bear scars for being brave; we collect and display them with pride.
How many times have you qualified a body and how many times have you punished yours? You don't know, we don't know. Perhaps the skin that you are seeing and that makes you so disgusted is mutating or is new and vulnerable. It's the scariest or bravest skin it's ever been. Or maybe she is so beautiful that she hides an almost painful desire for love. It's okay not to be okay, it's okay to change, it's okay to save.
Why is it so important to love yourself? This may seem more important to some than others, but self-love is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Love you, value yourself and respect you; It gives you self-confidence, and self-esteem, and will generally help you feel more positive. You may also find that it's easier to fall in love once you've learned to love yourself. If you can learn to love yourself, you will be happier and learn to take better care of yourself; you will stop comparing yourself with others and you will feel more confident, without worrying so much about what others think.
Tips to discover how to love yourself and own your confidence. Have fun: It's always good to have a few days to yourself. By doing this, you
can learn to enjoy your own company, and you'll probably feel more confident doing it on your own. This could be going to the movies or finding new things to try. Travel once a year: This may be completely out of your comfort zone, but that's a good thing! If you can travel alone, this will be a great self-love experience. You will learn new things not only about yourself but also about another culture. This also helps break you out of your normal routine. Forgive yourself: Reflecting on your mistakes can help you forgive and forget. If you can remember some bad decisions you have made, reflect but also forgive yourself. Loving you despite any mistakes you have made in the past. This is great for your self-esteem. Surprise yourself: Try things differently, this will help you get to know yourself. You may find that you enjoy things that you never realized or tried before. Try to get out of your comfort zone and see what happens (most likely positive!).
Start a journal: If you can write down your thoughts and feelings, you can come back at a later date and see how you dealt with certain situations. This is also a positive way for you to get rid of any negative experiences and feelings, helping you to focus on the good things and learn from the bad. Rest: We can be hard on ourselves at times, it's natural, but give yourself a break from time to time. No one is perfect, and you can't expect yourself to be. Certain things happen, but you have to accept them and not be too hard on yourself. Learn to say NO: Sometimes we do too much for people, we like to please other people, so we tend to try too hard and compromise as much as we can. We can forget to take care of ourselves sometimes, so it's good to say no. Make a list of your achievements: Create a list of what you have accomplished. This makes you feel good about yourself and find happiness from what you have achieved. Sometimes we can focus on the negatives and forget about the positives, so this is a great way to remind ourselves of what we've accomplished. Make a Vision Board: Visualizing your goals is a good way to feel motivated and excited about your future. You can focus on your dreams and start loving your life and yourself. Pursue new interests: It's great to try something new that you've wanted to try for a while or have been too afraid to do. You never know what you might enjoy until you try it, so think of a new hobby or go somewhere you want to go for a while. Work on your self-confidence: A great way to show yourself self-love is to trust yourself and your own instincts. You most likely know what's best for you, and self-confidence is a step towards self-love. You need to trust yourself before you can trust others, so listen to your gut and trust how you feel. Take care of yourself: This one probably seems like a no-brainer, but taking care of yourself plays a big role in learning how to love yourself, and a lot of people don't. If you take care of yourself, you will be the best version of yourself.
You are perfect for who you are. Love yourself, you are special and you don't need anyone's validation. Start by unconditionally loving the skin you live in, any other kind of love will eventually come. Thanks for your support! Enjoy! With love,
Women Who Empower
Jessica P. Wallace, B.A., J.D., M.B.A., Ph. D Guest Columnist
Dating Your Dollars: The relationship between YOU and MONEY
Like most things in life, your attitude towards finances stem from your childhood, and serves as your foundation on financial literacy. As a child, I was not educated on finances – I lived a middle-class suburban life in Alaska. I was an Army brat who did not care much about where the money was coming from. When my parents divorced, however, I learned the value of a dollar while living out of a studio apartment with my mom and three siblings in Detroit, Michigan. Once I became an adult, I was convinced that I would never depend on others for my financial stability and earned 4 degrees as a six-figure earner. I learned that taking risks was part of life, and without my ability to move to other states, I would have never had the opportunity to earn a higher income. For those who are like me and have a more materialistic approach to financial success, fitting into a budget may be more of a struggle. For those that consider themselves progressive innovators, however, work/life balance is more important, and wealth might not be the goal.
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The Finance Doctor’s 6-Figure Budget™ will help people from all financial backgrounds to achieve and maintain a six-figure income. My 6-Figure Budget™ focuses on six principles: 1. Income: Calculate your yearly net income. 2. Living: Calculate your yearly living expenses (Mortgage+Utilities+TV+Internet+Car+Insurance). 3. Spending: Income – Living = Spending. NOTE: It is common for your cash goes to bills and expenses that are added to your living expenses (credit cards, loans, large purchases, support payments, etc.) and you never get SAVE. 4. Goals: Cash from Spending (deposit amount varies). 5. Savings/Investments: Cash from Spending (deposit amount varies). 6. Liquid Cash: Spending – Goals – Savings/Investments = Liquid Cash. Finally, you can live like the stars! This budget allows you to use your liquid cash as expendable cash, to spend on whatever you would like - without going into debt. If you do not have liquid cash or even extra cash for spending, this can be a great insight into: (1) how much income you need to generate to achieve your financial goals; AND/OR (2) how beneficial paying off debt will be for you! Good Luck!
Website: https://thefinancedoctor.org Instagram: @officialfinancedoctor
Fashion & Beauty
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How to Align your Style
Coco Styles Corporate Wardrobe Style Coach
with your Career Stage Let's get down to business with our work wardrobe and style. Most women in "Corporate America" typically go for the Business Casual style because that's what's in their company guidelines. They stick to the basics and do not veer too far from that. It can be frustrating trying to figure out what we can and can't wear in an office. You want to align your style with your career stage; so that you're showing up as someone well respected and trusted. Following these steps will guide you in building a wardrobe fit for your professional life. THINK POWER LOOKS
When we think of power looks, we think of "Power Suits" and "A Power Dress" I recommend women wear dresses since most of our most powerful women do (Oprah and Michelle Obama). Don't get stuck on just the typical colors like Black, Navy, and Blue. Think outside the box. You can still pull off a professional look with other colors that suit you.
Coco Styles
SET YOUR WARDROBE UP FOR SUCCESS
In this process, make sure your wardrobe includes your essentials. These are the pieces that make your wardrobe functional. It's the key when starting your process. Head to the link below to grab your work wardrobe freebie checklist. It's a great way to start building your wardrobe. [FREEBIE] Work Wardrobe: Click Link SHOW UP AS A BOSS
It starts with being well dressed! Dressing professionally in your workplace is one of the components of your career advancement. Your image can tell about you, how you view yourself. When in an office setting, you're likely to be seen as more trustworthy, honest, and approachable just by your appearance. CHOOSE FLATTERING CLOTHES
The worst thing you want to do is buy clothes that don't fit well. Fit is the #1 key in looking neat and professional. Whenever you have on tailored fit clothes, you look 10x's better. Find a tailor in your neighborhood, and it will change your wardrobe one outfit at a time. Remember, you can always have something altered to make it smaller, but not the opposite.
POSITION YOURSELF TO RECEIVE
When it comes to manifestation, aligning yourself with your goals, you have to get ready to receive it. Once you decide what you want your wardrobe to look like, you won't pick up things that don't fit it. Imagine your dream wardrobe and how it would look, envision yourself in a position you've always wanted wearing something from your dream wardrobe. Here's where it all comes to fruition, you decided, and it's yours. That simple! Coco Styles
Coco Styles www.cocostylesny.com
@cocostylesny
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Nutrition and Fitness
5 Myths around Selfcare Alka Chopra, Registered Dietitian, Certified Diabetes Educator & Certified Intuitive Eating Counsellor
“Self-care means giving yourself permission to pause.”— Cecilia Tran These days self-care has become a very trendy term and is thrown around a lot! It is something very fashionable and indulgent. With trendy perspectives, media influences, social media influencer messages, and advertising there are a lot of myths that have circled around self-care. Let’s break these myths so we get clear on true facts about self-care. 1. Self-improvement & Selfcare are the same: some people confuse between these two terms. So, let's clear this up! Self-improvement centers around being a perfectionist. It centers around the thought that there is something wrong with us or there is something we do not like about ourselves that needs to be fixed. E.g. I am lazy to go to the gym or I am not a good cook and so on. If you think about perfectionism from a realistic point of view it is very subjective. Perfect for you maybe imperfect for someone else and vice versa. Perfectionism is highly influenced by our lifetime experiences and our upbringing.
On the other hand, self-care comes from a pure self-nurturance perspective i.e., you identify areas that you wish to do better and take small steps that could be on a daily basis or a weekly basis to get to a level where you want to be. In the real sense, self-care is all about what you want to do and what you want to be rather than what others want you to be. 2. Selfcare is just for women: Typically, women talk about self-care routines, have to get-togethers, might do some self-care activities as a group, or even take time off from work to do something they love and enjoy (I do that on a regular basis). Does this mean self-care is just for women? Absolutely not! Every human being regardless of gender, sexual orientation, marital status, or socioeconomic status needs a self-care system in place. The basic needs of every human being are the same. Everyone needs to and must spend some time with themselves doing activities they love and enjoy on a regular basis. 3. Selfcare is something you do when you are undergoing a stressful situation: What do you think is better? Getting your car serviced on a timely basis or waiting for it to break down on the road and then you call the tow truck! I guess you get the point! Prevention is better than cure. Designing a self-care type of lifestyle is the route to take. Self-care is vital for building resilience toward any stressful situations that may come up in your life so you can handle the situation well. Living a selfcare type of life and creating a culture of self-care prepares you to handle the worst situations effectively and live your best life.
4. Selfcare is a one and done type of thing: Often people are of the thought process that they can involve themselves in a self-care activity once in a while – maybe once per month or 3 months and so on. The reality is that one needs to have a self-care system in place. A system that allows them to perform a self-care activity even if it is for 10 – 15 minutes on a regular basis – daily or at minimum weekly. It is only then one can experience the full benefits and lead a life one wishes for. If you look at the graphic below it clearly reflects the importance of allocating time toward self-care. The healthcare pyramid has self-care as the base and is the foundation of good health.
5. Selfcare is simple: If you look at self-care as a concept it is very simple. It is simple activities such as enjoying a cup of coffee/tea at your local café or in a beautiful mug when everyone in the house is still sleeping and reading a book in your backyard or even some meditation. The challenge is committing yourself to do these activities on a regular basis. It is finding the time for yourself amidst the daily hustle-bustle and responsibilities. The other extreme is finding a balance i.e. not being indulgent (that I am guilty of sometimes) and ignoring the needs of your loved ones. It can get tricky sometimes.
Selfcare is necessary, but not indulgent. So how do you draw the line? Just follow these steps: Step 1: Write down 8-10 activities you would like to do in your FREE time. Step 2: Shortlist 5 (from the 5-10) activities you would enjoy spending time doing on a regular basis. Have a mix of activities – some of those you can do in 10 – 15 minutes such as meditation and some that can take up to an hour such as taking an art/dance class. Step 3: Schedule a time at least once/week at minimum to spend time doing the chosen activity and try to stick to it as much as possible. Time yourself. You can even schedule breaks during the day for the smaller activities. It is vital that you understand that self-care is all about taking a pause and doing something for yourself. Something you do that makes you happier, calmer, and healthier. At the same time, you need to have a clear distinction between self-care and indulgence. Use self-care to equip yourself to handle many stressful situations that may come up rather than avoiding them. After all, life is not a straight line! Pay attention to what your mind and body are saying so you can decide what works for you. Design your own selfcare system and make it a culture. To support you in this journey I have created an online program called “One Week To Your Health” that teaches you how to make self-care a culture by mastering mini habits one week at a time. You can take a look at it here
Alka Chopra https://www.alkachopra.ca/
@alkachoprard
Healthy Habits that Will Last: How to Create and Maintain Habits as a Busy Woman
Jackie Kickish,
Doctor of Physical Therapy and certified pregnancy and postpartum corrective exercise specialist
Are you ready to make some changes in your health? It can feel like a daunting task. The key to reaching your goals is by building healthy habits. Today, we will discuss how to create and maintain healthy habits in a few easy steps so that you can finally feel your absolute best. Why Is It So Hard to Stay On Track?
As a busy woman, it can be tough to find time to focus on your health. You might feel like you're always running late or juggling too many things at once. And when you do find the time to work out or eat healthily, it's often difficult to stick with those habits for long. This is because most of us try to go from 0 to 100 overnight, and that simply isn't sustainable. Why Using Will Power Doesn't Work
When it comes to making healthy changes, willpower is often seen as the key to success. But the truth is, willpower alone usually isn't enough. In fact, relying on it can often do more harm than good. This is because when we try to force our way to our goals, we are more likely to feel deprived. And when we feel deprived, we are much more likely to give up on our healthy habits altogether. This is exactly why restrictive diets don't work. Diets are often seen as a temporary solution to weight loss that can be done with the right willpower in place. Instead, it leads to guilt and a yo-yoing scale. The same goes for any other kind of health routine that feels forced or that you simply hate. Building Healthy Habits without Resistance or Force
Think about a toddler that needs to go eat lunch. If you order them to eat, they're likely going to resist. But if you find a way to make it seem like their idea (or even fun) they will eat with little to no complaints! This is exactly how we want to set up our habits. It's important to approach our health in a way that feels easy, gradual, and fun. As our behaviors and identities change over time, the changes we've made to our health will feel natural and you'll feel continually motivated to keep moving forward. And this is the ultimate goal!
How to Get Started
Building healthy habits can be straightforward with four simple steps. Let's review where to start so that you can work toward your goals and make progress without feeling deflated. 1. Pick One Thing. When it comes to health, there are a lot of different areas to focus on. It can be helpful to pick just one thing to work on at a time. That way, you can give your full attention and energy to that one area without feeling overwhelmed. 2. Start Small. Once you've decided what area you want to focus on, it's time to start small. Remember, we are trying to set ourselves up for success, not failure. So, if your goal is to eat healthier, start by adding one healthy meal or snack to your day. If you want to start working out, start with two days a week for 10 minutes. 3. Be Consistent. The key to any habit is consistency. It's more important to be consistent with your healthy habits than it is to be perfect. So, if you miss a day of working out or eating healthy, don't beat yourself up. Just get back on track as soon as you can and keep moving forward. 4. Find What Works For You. Everyone is different, so it's important to find what works for you. If you hate the gym, don't force yourself to go. Instead, find an activity that you enjoy and that you can see yourself doing long-term. The same goes for eating. If you don't like kale, don't force yourself to eat it. Find healthy foods that you actually enjoy eating and that you can see yourself incorporating into your regular diet. What is a Good First Goal?
A good first goal is one that is specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound. In other words, it's a SMART goal. A specific goal might be to eat three healthy meals per day or to work out four days per week. A measurable goal would be to track your progress so that you can see how well you're doing. An achievable goal is realistic for you and your lifestyle. A relevant goal is important to you and aligned with your values. And a time-bound goal has a deadline or time frame attached to it.
Below are a few more examples for a starting place: Add extra vegetables to one meal per day for 6 weeks Workout for 5 to 10 minutes each morning Get one extra hour of sleep each night on the weekdays (sleep an important pillar of good health) Take 5 deeps breaths each time you're feeling stressed Incorporate one hour of quiet self-care time into each Friday Cancel one thing on your schedule that you don't enjoy each week And on... As you can see from these goals, the key is to start as simple and specific as possible and build from there as you find a better balance in your daily routine. Being Healthy a Lifestyle, Not a Temporary Change
Creating and maintaining healthy habits can be tough at first, but it's not impossible. By following these simple steps, you can make lasting changes to your health without feeling deprived or overwhelmed. And when you find what works for you, it will be easier than you ever thought possible! So get started today and see where your healthy habits take you!
Jackie Kickishwww.jackiekickish.com
@drjackiekickish
A woman with a voice is, by definition, a strong woman. But the search to find that voice can be remarkably difficult.” —Melinda Gates
Women's Health
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Jacqueline Rose Menopause Coach, Women's Hormonal Health Specialist, Yoga for Women's HealthCertified Instructor.
REFRAMING WOMEN’S HEALTH – A CALL TO RESET THE PARADIGM You know how once you see something in a different light, you can never un-see it. You can never go back to the way you used to view it. It happens many times in life. Someone behaves in an unexpected way and you never see them the same way again. Or you hear a new approach to an old theory and it changes your frame of reference. It changes everything. And from then on, your thoughts are altered and you can’t go back. This has happened to me over the last few years with how I view and understand women’s health issues. And it is slowly happening with the women I work with, who are not willing to accept the old medical paradigms. Let me give you two examples. Case Study 1: A dear friend recently told me about a visit to the pediatrician with her 17-year-old daughter. Her daughter was generally healthy, normally had a regular cycle but hadn’t had a period in 4 months, was feeling run down, exhausted, and experiencing some mild digestive issues. The mother didn’t know what to do and how to help her daughter, especially as she was having a busy and stressful time at school. So she went to the doctor, thinking she was doing exactly the right thing. But then she told me how the doctor had responded to them. “Let’s get some basic baseline blood tests done. But it could just be stress, or maybe you are eating something different, or maybe you are not sleeping as much. It will probably get better in a few months, it’s probably really nothing. It’s totally normal for girls to have breaks between their periods.” So on the one hand – this doctor did nothing wrong. She ordered the standard tests, she asked some basic questions, and she assessed in her mind no serious issue. She checked everything off her checklist and her job was done. BUT – with my new insight about women’s health issues, when I heard this story I got really angry.
The doctor basically brushed off this girl’s experience. It was a standard 10-minute appointment with the doctor having little time to really join some of the dots of the girl’s health and wellbeing status and consider what this girl was really experiencing. There were no other recommendations made, no talking about her mental health, lifestyle, or practical and tangible things that this young girl could do. Assuming that please Gd her blood tests all come back clear, she was basically told to just wait around for her period to eventually come back and that this was just “normal teenage stuff”. For me, THIS IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH! It is not the doctor’s fault. She did what she has been trained to do. After speaking to my friend and understanding more of her daughter’s situation, I think stress is playing a big role in her irregular periods. Dealing with stress, looking at what she’s eating, assessing her gut health how much is she sleeping, is she moving at all or sitting for hours revising for exams – these are questions that the doctor ran through but didn’t stop to delve into and explain how significant they are to teen health. I feel so sad, angry, and disappointed at the dis-service that this girl experienced by her doctor who did not ask the right questions didn’t think about root-cause triggers, and did not take the time to look at the larger picture. The doctor just related to the symptoms as presented. And this is the way the Western medical healthcare system is structured and has worked for years. I believe, however, that there is a different way for women to be supported. I believe that our bodies are complex structures, that we each have our own health story and there is a detailed spider’s web of a health story to unravel. It requires taking a much more holistic approach when dealing with our health issues. It requires time, attention, and understanding. It requires the doctor to ask questions and have time to listen to the answers!
It also requires US to be proactive, to ask questions, and if we don’t feel that we have been seen or heard, if we are not satisfied with the response, we need to keep asking. Case Study 2:
A woman came to see me who was really struggling with menopause symptoms, she was all over the place and about to get separated from her spouse. She told me that at the age of 48 her life was not going well. She had low energy, and could not get motivated to be productive in her work life. And the lack of focus and concentration wasn’t helping. She wasn’t sleeping well and felt overwhelmed with the demands of her personal and professional life. Her libido was through the floor, her husband was driving her mad, she was moody the whole time, her body hurt her and she just wanted out. And worst of all was that she had been a “superwoman” in the years leading up to these changes – she was the doer, the one that everyone relied on. She felt frustrated and confused. She had been to her doctor. He had ordered some blood work and to check her hormones to see if she was peri-menopausal. He then basically recommended a variety of different pills – sleeping tablets for when she couldn’t sleep, anti-anxiety to regulate her moods. He basically told her “it will eventually pass. This is just normal for women of your age. And if things get worse, come back in 6 months.”
I was angry with her but not surprised. I hear this the whole time. Women who are peri-menopausal or close to menopause do not feel seen or heard. The complexities of their symptoms are not being recognized. The way these symptoms impact their personal and professional lives is not being understood. Being given band-aid medicine that treats the symptoms doesn’t really address the full extent of their challenges. Six months of suffering and struggling until she can go back to the doctor again to see if he will recommend anything helpful. Once again THIS IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Of course, it is not his fault. He is doing what he has been trained to do. Work through the checklist of questions, ascertain if he can make a diagnosis based on the symptoms, and treat with appropriate drugs. But, it ignores the overall health and wellbeing of the patient. It ignores the physical, emotional, and mental health relationships. It ignores her experience of struggle, confusion, and suffering and how that impacts all areas of her health and wellbeing. And in this particular situation, it totally ignores the complex ways that menopause can show up, how it can affect your life, and practical strategies that can be easily implemented to support women. There is no understanding of menopause management and the deep way it affects women. Before I continue I want to add here a BIG DISCLAIMER: I am NOT an anti-Western medical care system. It is amazing and miraculous. The healthcare professionals are doing the best they can, within the framework in which they work and the training they have received. I have seen first-hand how this medical care system saves lives day after day. However, time and time again, I hear how this approach is failing women and their health concerns. How women are sent away to “just deal with it”. How it’s assumed “eventually things will sort themselves out, and if not just come back in 6 months' time.” I hear about women with endometriosis and polycystic ovaries syndrome who don’t get diagnosed for years. I have heard stories, too many to count, of women who are put on anti-depressants for their menopause symptoms, because they have been misdiagnosed.
Part of the reason for this approach is the traditionally low percentage of medical research which includes women's data sets. For decades, until US Federal Law legislation changed in 1993, a lot of clinical research and studies were done solely or largely on men and the results were extrapolated to women. Women were excluded from clinical drug trials and so dosages were male-driven. Women’s health issues have just not been recognized, researched, or taken seriously enough. And treatment options are still way behind where they need to be. But in 2021, things are changing, albeit slowly. There is another way to approach women’s health and I have seen it in action and that is a Functional Medicine approach. It looks at the body as a number of integrated systems working together in a delicate balance. Rather than using the symptoms as the marker for treatment, Function Medicine looks and the root causes of ill health and addresses what needs to change at the source. There are some amazing doctors out there who think differently. Who understands that women know what’s going on in their bodies and that if a woman has actually made time to come and get checked, that means she is struggling. I know there are health professionals out there who get how women’s hormones impact everything going on in our bodies. I know that a functional, integrative approach to women’s health is possible, to look at the whole body and assess what’s really going on. I also know that unfortunately, it’s on us to get educated, informed AND proactive about our own health journey. Today it’s not enough just to go see your doctor. Today you need to be more forceful to get the answers you want and deserve. Today you need to search for the “right doctor” who understands and embraces a different approach to women’s health and healthcare treatment. Who understands how to look at health differently – to look at the root causes and not just at the symptoms! In addition, there is a growing body of evidence-based research into the benefits of integrating an alternative, holistic approach to health and wellbeing. Things like yoga, mindfulness, alternative therapies, deep breath work, supplements, plant-based medicine, self-care, etc need to be included in our health management protocols. I am NOT proposing giving up on our Western medical healthcare system. Not at all. However, I am saying that we need to start seeing it for what it really is – ONE pathway on our health journey. We need to start assessing how it supports us and how it’s failing us. We need to ask our healthcare professionals within this system to do better for us. And we need to get proactive to find the doctors and medical professionals who are pushing the envelope in thinking about healthcare in a different way. Who understands that the old system needs a reboot, and who understands that women’s healthcare needs to be done differently! Because once you realize how your needs can be met, you can’t go back to the way you received treatment before.
Jacqueline Rose www.theyogaroom120.com/
@theyogaroom120
Dr. Elaine Mele PT, PYT, FNCP Physical Therapist Yoga Therapist Functional Nutrition Provider
MANAGING PESKY LEAKAGE How to get on top of the drops” Has it happened to you? Jamming through your HIIT class or out for a much-needed run and just as you start to pump up the intensity...feeling good...feeling strong…oops there goes a warm trickle down your leg. Or maybe you are out with your girlfriends’ sharing a good hearty laugh and you feel a couple of drips. Or you are stuck in traffic and you have to GO. RIGHT. NOW. How did you feel when this happened? Did you experience embarrassment, shame or exasperation? Well, guess what, you are NOT ALONE. Stress urinary incontinence (SUI) which is defined as urine leakage that occurs during loaded, physically stressing activity occurs within 4-10% of women (1).The incidence increases to about 50% for those who have given birth and it can rise again during perimenopause with an average of 30–50% experiencing some form of incontinence (2). So you can see leaky episodes are pretty prevalent. There are different types of incontinence, the 2 most common are: Stress Urinary Incontinence (SUI): which is urine leakage that occurs when the body experiences a physical “stress” such as during sneezing, coughing, laughing or high impact exercise like running. Overactive Bladder (OAB): which is an increase in urinary frequency (peeing more than 8-9 times per day) or in urge (being unable to hold your urine until you get to a toilet or needing to urinate multiple times overnight) You can also have mixed incontinence, a combination of the two, but we’ll just keep it simple here today. We know that incontinence in women is common, but is it an acceptable, “normal” side effect of pregnancy or aging that we just have to suck up and deal with? No.
This is treatable and not something to be ashamed of. Before we talk about how to fix the problem we must first understand how and why it happens. Most of us already know the bladder holds urine in our bodies. The main muscle of the bladder is called the Detrusor, it contracts and squeezes the bladder to initiate urination. Coming out of the bladder is a tube called the urethra. The urethra has a sphincter that acts as a gatekeeper, it opens to release urine and closes to keep urine from leaking out. The pelvic floor lies underneath all of this, like a hammock, to support the entire structure. The pelvic floor must stay somewhat contracted or engaged to work with the urinary sphincter to keep any urine from leaking out. It also must be able to relax to allow urine flow when the time is right. If the Detrusor muscle contracts and the sphincter is not closed, leakage occurs. Alternatively, if the Detrusor contracts and the pelvic floor coordination is delayed, leakage can occur. A nerve feedback loop also exists between the bladder and the brain sending messages back and forth regarding the volume of fluid in the bladder and the urge to urinate. The brain receives a message that the bladder is at a certain volume and then the brain “decides” whether it is time to urinate. It will then send a signal to the muscles and sphincter around the bladder to relax, allowing urine to flow out. Sometimes we can unconsciously train the brain to signal urination in habitual situations such as soon as we pull into our driveway or when we get to work, whether or not our bladder is actually full and ready to empty. Certain foods can also “irritate” this feedback loop causing the pathway to be overactive, thus increasing the signals to the bladder that it's time to void, increasing the frequency and urge of urination.
Overurination, or urinating more than the average of five to seven times per day can lead to weakness in the pelvic floor, disruption of the system’s natural cycle and rhythm and it can also increase the risk of developing a UTI (urinary tract infection), which we all know are not fun! During perimenopause, we also have the additional influence of Estrogen. The natural and progressive decrease in estrogen during this time leads to thinning of the vaginal tissues and a loss of elasticity (ability to bounce back from a stretched position). This can lead to a weakened pelvic floor. A weak pelvic floor cannot fully support the organs nor maintain the appropriate tension required to prevent leakage. The other important area to consider with incontinence is the internal pressure system created during breathing. We have two diaphragms that help maintain the pressure system, the respiratory diaphragm that sits just under your rib cage and the pelvic floor (diaphragm) that sits at the base of your pelvis.
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These structures move in tandem in a very coordinated manner. When we inhale and draw in breath both diaphragms drop or relax creating a negative pressure system to draw air into the lungs. On the exhale, the air is released by both diaphragms lifting up and contracting, forcing pressure up and out. If our diaphragms are not coordinated properly we could experience an increase in downward pressure that stresses the urinary system causing leakage. For an animated explanation of this check out this YouTube video by my colleague, Julie Wiebe, PT https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRAaJN3FC6A So, you can see that we have a complex system at work that affects how, when, and why we pee. The processes leading to incontinence can be multi-faceted and is not a one-size-fits-all problem, but there are a few simple things you can try first to address unwelcome leakage: Avoid bladder irritants Certain food and beverages will cause the bladder and nerve pathways to become hypersensitive and create a situation where the urgency to go is greater. Foods that are considered bladder irritants include: Coffee Soda (any and all) Artificial sweeteners and processed foods Energy drinks; and Acidic fruits and juices like orange and grapefruit Make sure you fully empty your bladder Sounds like an obvious suggestion but, let’s face it, many women... are often multi-tasking while they pee, thinking about the next five things on the to-do list don't always pay attention to or, in some cases, lack of sensation when the bladder is empty Full bladder emptying should occur without bearing down or using force, so this doesn't mean wringing out your pelvic floor to squeeze out every last drop. It just means be patient and let your urine stream come to a complete and natural stop on its own. Maintain healthy bowel movements Nothing is off-topic here! Constipation will increase the pressure on your bladder since the rectum sits directly behind it. This will cause the whole system: the pelvic floor, urinary sphincter, and detrusor muscle to have to work harder to overcome the extra load, increasing the risk of leakage. The goal is to have at least one healthy bowel movement per day. Healthy poop is log-shaped and firm but not hard. To avoid or mitigate constipation, drink plenty of clear, non-sugary, noncaffeinated fluids, such as water. The recommendation is to drink a minimum of 65 ounces per day, but optimally you imbibe half of your body weight in ounces of fluid (ie: 75 ounces for a 150lb woman), eat at least 25 g fiber per day that is sourced from whole grains, fruit and vegetables and aim for 30-60 minutes of daily exercise. That’s all I have to say about poop, for now!
Observe (but don't obsess over) your breathing mechanics
In order to maintain a nice healthy pressure management system that we discussed earlier, it is important to be aware of our breath. This is something that you can practice outside of your workouts when you are in a relaxed state before you try and practice it in a “loaded” situation. *Try this* Pick an exercise that is easy for you such as an unloaded (unweighted) squat. Slowly move into a squat position while you inhale, pause. Now to start to exhale slowly as you begin to return to a standing position. Keep exhaling the whole way through until you are fully standing. If you can, also envision the pelvic floor (ie: your perineum or space between your vagina and anus) lifting up and drawing in, like an elevator rising from the ground floor, throughout the exhale. Avoid clenching these muscles, that will be counterproductive. Just begin with envisioning a gentle engagement and lift. It is important that the pelvic floor is also able to relax, so when you initiate the next inhale and lower back into a squat, imagine that the perineal space is widening out in all four directions as you move back down. Repeat a few more times and again over the next few days until you are comfortable with the timing and coordination of the breath cycle. Then go ahead and try it with an added load by adding weight to the exercise, it can be a literal weight or a laundry basket or your child. Start with the smallest weight first. See if you can avoid leaks with just this simple exercise and then gradually increase the load. The more you practice this pattern of breathing during exertion, it will eventually become natural where you won't have to think about it every time and hopefully, your leakage will decrease dramatically! Won't that be great?!?
Give these four things a try and let me know how it goes! If you continue to struggle with increased urinary frequency, and urine leakage during exercise or exertion you may need to see a healthcare provider that specializes in Women's Health. You can also reach out to me at elaine@elainemele.com for a free 20-minute consultation to discuss your needs.
Dr. Elaine Mele Reference: 1. Wang K, Xu X, Jia G, Jiang H. Risk Factors for Postpartum Stress Urinary Incontinence: a Systematic Review and Meta-analysis. Reprod Sci. 2020 Dec;27(12):2129-2145. doi: 10.1007/s43032-020-00254y. Epub 2020 Jul 7. PMID: 32638282. 2. Reynolds WS, Dmochowski RR, Penson DF. Epidemiology of stress urinary incontinence in women. Curr Urol Rep. 2011 Oct;12(5):370-6. doi: 10.1007/s11934-011-0206-0. PMID: 21720817. 3. Herman and Wallace Pelvic Floor 1 Course Manual 2020
www.elainemele.com elaine@elainemele.com
Business & Professional
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How to Stay Antifragile when Chasing Big Goals
Iva Perez, Licensed RTTÒ Practitioner- Hypnotherapy
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm - Winston Churchill. Beyond the word ‘resilience’ lies a world of antifragility. Not a lot of us are familiar with the term ‘antifragility’, because resilience has been an international buzzword for years in the personal development industry. Being resilient remains popular because it accepts the following: 1-Despite not knowing what tomorrow will bring, we need to be able to withstand it. 2-Resiliency allows us to adapt well in the face of adversity while remaining unscathed.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
As women and as mothers, our love and strength are tested beyond its limits constantly. We turn to our ‘motherhood resilience’ to help us navigate the choppy waters of parenting and the world at large. Especially because the world continues to radically change at breakneck speed. Resilience means recovering quickly from difficulties and coming out on the other side. And live to tell. Unfortunately, we cannot accurately predict the future, or even properly prepare and plan for it. Even big corporations with billion-dollar war chests are mostly still guessing when they try any strategic planning. So, is it any wonder that as a one-woman show or boss of a small business, we feel daunted by trying to put a plan in place to achieve our big goals?
Strategic plans may be an excellent way to cope with the fear of the unknown, but fear and discomfort ARE an essential part of business and life. As entrepreneurs, we should not eliminate risk but rather increase the odds of success. ‘Motherhood resilience’ will not be enough and requires an upleveling to a ‘mom boss antifragility’ to navigate the current global and achieve your goals. What in the world is Antifragility? The concept of Antifragility can apply to anything — whether we’re raising our consciousness, raising our children, or growing our business-- because it abides by one hard and fast rule: everything and anything is susceptible to stress, change, and volatility. Antifragility is one step further than resilience or robustness. Being antifragile entails growing stronger through adversity and thriving as a result of chaos and disorder. Author Nassim Nicholas Taleb introduces this concept in his book Antifragile, explaining that the opposite of fragility isn’t robustness, but antifragility. When it comes to business, fragile things are overly optimized. Fragile businesses and people are obsessed with efficiency and optimization. As mompreneurs, we are told to be as efficient as we can with our time, energy, and our tasks. We’re constantly signing up for the latest funnel, blueprint, and system out there that uses words like: productivity, time management, optimization, and efficiency. And they sometimes work... if everything goes to plan. Except that everything rarely goes as planned. Randomness is the rule, not the exception. Therefore, adopting an antifragility mindset is a powerful thing. It saves valuable energy from trying to plan, predict and execute backup plans for every possibility and option in case anything happens. Instead, it allows us to expand on guidance or attitude that thrives on chaos. There simply are no frameworks to deal with randomness. The biggest mindset shift you can have this year is not planning for resilience in your business if you want to achieve your big goals.
Therefore, adopting an antifragility mindset is a powerful thing. It saves valuable energy from trying to plan, predict and execute backup plans for every possibility and option in case anything happens. Instead, it allows us to expand on guidance or attitude that thrives on chaos. There simply are no frameworks to deal with randomness. The biggest mindset shift you can have this year is not planning for resilience in your business if you want to achieve your big goals. Luckily, the biggest antifragile tool at your disposal is your mind. A robust or resilient mindset endures change and whatever comes its way, but there’s hardly growth or improvement involved. It’s the I-will-cope-until-the-kids-are-out-of-thehouse approach that I see many driven and hard-working clients adopt with very unfortunate results. Photo by Summer Rune on Unsplash
We want an antifragile mindset when growing our business and chasing our big goals because it feeds from the very stress and disorder of entrepreneurship! Here are two ways in which you can stay antifragile: 1)Plan your own disruptions Constant overwhelm, ‘too-much-to-do’ anxiety, a hustle culture, and an overactive mind provide the triggers that cause our brains to shut down. In our fast-paced lives, these factors become chronic and survival ends up taking precedence over creativity, inspiration, flow, and insight. And we need these to make our dreams and goals a reality. When we’re constantly overwhelmed, we end up feeling more tired and uninspired. That’s why building antifragility by planning our own disruptions and creating our own experiments helps us reach our goals. It might sound scary. But at least we’ve chosen a direction that helps reduce stress and fear of the unknown. This allows us to be more creative and resourceful in how we experiment and test out new ideas and strategies to produce the metaphorical typhoon that unlocks the door to achieving our goals. When we view experimenting as aimless tinkering or putting ourselves down because we seem to be ‘winging it’ or guessing our way through business- we’re missing the point. That is exactly the case and it should be our only business strategy. These experiments and iterations really are a way to keep an antifragile mindset. Approaching things from an experiment lab perspective truly impacts growth in the long run. If these small tests fail, the impact is not going to wipe you out but if they succeed and compound, the rewards can be huge. Experimenting and testing require curiosity. As Renee Brown says, “Curiosity is really the superpower for the second part of our lives because it keeps us learning, asking questions, and keeps us being selfaware.” She is in good company. Thomas Edison famously said: “I have not failed, not once. I've discovered ten thousand ways that don't work.” When it comes to your business, what is currently not working? Getting curious and experimenting is the most authentic way to push past adversity from an antifragile standpoint. When it comes to business, antifragility means creating space for failure but not allowing any one failure to be catastrophic. It’s about getting comfortable with taking lots of small risks that won’t wipe you out if they fail but will force you to grow and flourish instead.
Photo by Dries Augustyns on Unsplash
2)Via Negativa When Michelangelo was asked about how he carved the masterpiece of all masterpieces, the statue of David, his answer was: “It’s simple. I just remove everything that is not David.” According to Taleb, Via Negativa is also known as subtractive knowledge which is a fancy way of saying it is more beneficial to first figure out what not to do. In essence, we know what is wrong with more certainty than we know anything else. An example of this could be someone that feels unproductive due to procrastination. So, they would try to force themselves to go through the tasks at hand, invest in more efficient systems and hacks, hire a coach, set more deadlines, and the like with possibly very little change in the long run. Why? Because in most cases, removing the negative will give better results than adding countermeasures. All the above strategies to beat procrastination are good. But they’re good as long as the root cause of the procrastination is also removed. In fact, modalities like RTT Hypnotherapy, for example, are perfect to tackle root causes and create antifragility through this approach. Good habits and strategies are ineffective insofar as the root cause of the procrastination are still there. If this is not addressed, most of the countermeasures will prove inefficient. The same goes for overwhelm and anxiety. Getting to the root cause of the overwhelm and the anxiety and shifting it, has a bigger impact on someone’s productivity and quality of life than the cumulative effect of more exercise, monthly massages, nights out with friends, and a good cry combined. Steve Jobs was possibly referring to Via Negativa when he said: “People think focus means saying yes to the thing you've got to focus on. But that's not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I'm actually as proud of the things we haven't done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.” When tackling big goals, what can you subtract? What will you be focusing on and saying no to? Subtractive knowledge is simply the practice of eliminating the unnecessary and the unimportant.
Just like competitive athletes are determined to do almost anything that will give them the edge, when it comes to achieving your big goals, adopting an antifragile mindset will help you win at business. Antifragility pushes the notion that we shouldn’t construct our lives or our business plans against randomness and misfortune. Rather, we should use anti-fragility as a means of maneuvering through disorder. The human spirit and an antifragile mindset truly can make the impossible possible. The last example comes from the world of tennis. During this past Australian Open, Nadal was losing to Medvedev in the first two sets- and the tournament’s A.I. was giving Medvedev a 96% chance of winning. We live in a world that has to build a blind trust in too much data, and quickly accepts studies or research that predict outcomes and behaviors with a few pieces of information and past benchmarks. But the mental antifragility of a player like Nadal is still not measurable data.
Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash
Nadal’s eventual win despite the odds is a great reminder that our humanness is still here- the unpredictable, unexpected miracles that come from the heart are also real and are also available to you at all times. Now it’s time to go after those big goals!
Iva Perez www. themomergymovement.com
@momergymovement
How to Find the Elusive ‘Balance’ in Your Life… “it is so important to show your… babies what priorities are; how women - especially moms - deserve equal opportunity to pursue their passions. That they have so much to give, and while they raise the leaders of tomorrow, they can also be the leaders of today. “
Brianna Hosack Parenting, Productivity & Accountability Coach
\If you are a CEO/Mompreneur who has overlapping desires and multiple worlds; a destiny to fulfill, kids who are ‘your all’, self-exploration, personal development, wonderful relationships to grow; and you want to integrate all these pieces of you in a way that feels amazing and powerful and comfortable and beautiful... So that you can start knocking all your goals out of the park… You need balance. Not perfect, delicate, no-mistakes-allowed, tightrope-walking balance, but a balance that incorporates all the pieces of your life enough that your equilibrium isn’t thrown off. Balance that includes real priorities and energy and emotions. And to achieve that balance, you can’t just be ‘Mom’. You can’t just be ‘[your name]’. Do you remember who you are? I don’t mean your name or your job title… and I definitely don’t mean ‘mom’! Before other small humans became your entire world, who were you? What were your traits, and what made you unique?? Being a mom is a balancing act, for sure, no matter any of the details. Being a CEO/entrepreneur AND a mom with young kids is no joke. It’s seriously intense sometimes. It’s so easy to lose yourself in motherhood and business, but if you allow it to happen (and to stick), you will never find true balance. I am just about as passionate about my business as I am about my family, and I am equally as passionate about the time I spend on self-care and personal development as I am about my business. And I say this loudly and proudly to whoever will listen, because it’s too common for people to shame mothers out of their honesty. Too often, others disgrace mothers to the point where they bury their truth, and ignore their alignment; the exact alignment that causes them to be such powerful beings is hidden, indefinitely.
And it seriously upsets me when I hear people speaking about these things like they’re out of reach for moms. There should never have been a time when moms were expected to “sacrifice it all”. It’s heartbreaking to think of all we’ve lost in the potential of powerful women throughout the centuries. We must shift this thinking and these patterns, and it is possible! Does being a mother excuse me from the purpose I believe I have been called here to accomplish in my life? No. Does being a mother excuse me from being a contributing member of society? No. Does being a mother mean I don’t get to be me, or have time for things I love anymore? No! And yet too often, mothers are expected to give all that up! And what’s worse - as moms, we have unconsciously supported that by accepting it for what it is. I really believe in myself. I am meant to be a leader of leaders. I am one, whether I try to be or not (I can’t seem to help it)! I have a lot of things I’m going to do in my life, I have a massive purpose, and I don’t accept unproductively - it won’t get me there! But, I’ve also learned when to slow down, and the incredible value in doing so. In fact, it is vital to productivity. I truly believe in my business, and in its potential to impact the world; partly through ripples from the families I directly impact, and partly through some of my larger dreams (books, articles, speaking engagements, podcasts…there is almost nothing I don’t want for it!). I believe in myself and my business enough that when I don’t work on myself or it, I feel heavy, my productivity in all areas of my life lags, and I get depressed. And how does that help my family?! It’s so important that mothers are given the opportunities they need to thrive in other areas of life, without the ‘mom guilt’. There is a mom guilt epidemic going on in recent years, and whatever I can do to fight against it, I will! Moms absolutely have the right and the need to do their own things sometimes too. Obviously, your kids’ basic needs come first, but Mama, be honest with how you feel! We all need to speak up, consistently, to enact real change. We all need a break sometimes, and if you have a business baby that’s as important to you as your human babies because you have a massive purpose to fulfill, then you need more breaks!! And you won’t get them unless you ask. Or tell! And I say that your ‘business baby’ can be as important as your human babies… because it is so important to show your human babies what priorities are; how women - especially moms - deserve equal opportunity to pursue their passions. That they have so much to give, and while they raise the leaders of tomorrow, they can also be the leaders of today.
It's not fair to your kids for you to make them the priority over you, even though it seems logical & sometimes even seems necessary. It winds up turning into all words and no action: ie... if you say they come first, but then have no energy to put into them, you disprove your own words with your lack of action. How on earth will we change how this works in the future if we don’t teach it to our children today? If all they see is endless self-sacrifice from their mothers, then our boys will expect their future wives to do the same, and our girls won’t know the difference and will allow the same things to happen in their own lives. Before I was able to really start making strides in my business, or step into excellence and success in my parenting… I had to learn how to take care of myself. That’s right, I had to learn it. It’s not something that you just know unless you got lucky and were raised with that example and taught how. As mothers especially, we get so focused on the outward needs and demands on our time that it’s easy to forget the absolute necessities of life, like sleeping or eating.. or using the washroom! Let alone meditation or journaling, hot bubble baths, spa days, or hot coffee! Self-care isn't optional as a parent! It's setting an example of how to treat yourself right, which every child needs to see. It's how you fill your cup so that it's overflowing with extra and you have more than you need, to give throughout your day. It's how you start out calm enough to listen to them so that they can learn how to communicate their needs better; resulting in more peace all around. It's how you keep your own identity and don't get lost in motherhood. It's how you prevent overwhelm from allowing work & chores to fill every moment of every day. Sometimes it feels like you have the brattiest kids in the world when really it's because they have normal expectations of you, but you have nothing to pour out of your empty cup! The benefits of an early morning, kid-free, self-care routine are endless! Self-care gives you increased levels of patience throughout the entire day if you practice it in the morning. This prevents so many problems as a work-at-home Mom. As business owners, we can get so carried away with all the things on our eternal ‘to-do’ lists, that we forget that we’re human beings with families, other priorities, and often a sizeable passion for learning, reading, and growing as a person, let alone reading for fun, watching TV, screen-less time, and more. One of my favorite quotes is Parkinson’s Law: "Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion." I teach it, preach it, push it, nag about it because here’s the thing. You will never be done. Dishes and laundry and cooking and toilets and bed-making: they never go away. Creating content, tweaking, networking, idea management, lead generation, follow-ups, emails, platform-building; in business, you can outsource eventually, but there’s always going to be something to do. And if you like to ‘do things yourself to get them right’... first of all, stop that, and second of all, you’ll never be done.
(Also, you can now outsource laundry, dishes, toilets, beds, meals… I’m just saying) What you CAN NOT outsource is a different matter, and worst of all, they’re the things we tend to put off until last, mistakenly: Ourselves Our kids Our marriages/relationships Friends Learning And when you want to be the one doing it all in your business and around the house, but then you try to reach for the required things like self-care and playing with your kids, everything just topples. This is because self-care, playing, relationships, and personal growth are the foundations of everything else working. They are too weighty and important to get added to the top of your tower of to-dos. You must put them first. Use them to lay the groundwork for such a strong support structure that it can hold up more of the light, airy, fluffy stuff that you thoroughly enjoy. (Or that you use as excuses not to get the hard work done.) Because self-care and playing are hard work when you’re feeling the pull of that to-do list. Because relationships are hard, no matter what, and require time and effort, even if you have nothing else going on. Because self-improvement, learning, personal development; whatever you want to call it… is hard. Facing who you truly are and what you want to change about yourself isn’t ever gonna be easy, sister. But without it, you don’t grow, your impact doesn’t widen and get stronger, your children don’t get the maximum benefit from you that they could, your partner doesn’t get the best of you, and you will always know there is more to you than this. It’s time to stop reaching, Mama. It’s time to re-prioritize. Build your foundations first, every day. The rest can wait for a little bit until you’re done. I don’t mean that you need to ‘finish’ your personal development journey in a day (impossible anyway), have a perfect relationship with your partner (again, not possible), play with your kids every moment they’re awake (actually not healthy for them), or spend all your spare time on self-care, before you’re allowed to go to work, sit down to write, wash the dishes, or scrub a toilet. Of course not! But any other way than self-care first, means you don’t put the quality of effort into your selfcare, which means it’s not fully able to then support the calm, present quality time with your kids that’s ideal.
And if you haven’t spent calm, present, quality time with your kids, you’ll feel guilty spending it with your partner, and probably sabotage it in some way or another. And if you’ve sabotaged that, you’re likely to be at the point of complaining incessantly to your friends, which will make you less fun to be around… And then you won’t feel supported by your grumpy spouse and annoyed friends, ‘disobedient’ children, or your own guilty conscience. And nothing else will run as smoothly. Nothing else will flow with as much ease as it could. Your creativity will be below, and your enjoyment of your ‘passion projects’ will be much less than it could be. It will all crumble and fall, eventually. You must make the time for the other things first; a little bit every day. You won’t have a perfect foundation built the first day, the fortieth day, or the hundredth - maybe not even ever. And you won’t undo everything that you’ve done to build up that foundation simply by missing a day, either. But each time that you work on these foundational pieces, they get stronger, more unshakeable, more dependable, and more supportive of everything you desire. So that when you’re ready to stretch and do something a little scary in your business, you have the foundation to hold you up. So that you can reach for the stars, and not fall down.
Brianna Hosack www.thecalminspiredmama.com
@TheCalm-InspiredMama
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Female Sexuality
Sexuality after a Baby
Julie Demers Holistic Pelvic Floor Therapist
Having a baby changed my relationship with almost everything. While I was happy to go back to eating sushi and being able to see my feet again. My body didn’t feel completely mine after birth! Even though I could follow step by step where my body was during pregnancy in books and apps, I was not prepared for what my body would go through after birth. From icepacks to pads to tears, to second-guessing what baby needs, to breast pads, to the difficulty to take time to pee…my life was far from what used to be normal. When I had a little bit of time to think about myself, I thought about getting my “body back”, after all, isn’t it what we read in magazines. That and “restoring our sex life”. Should I prepare a to-do list? Is that all part of being a super mom? Can you relate? I’ve been there…3 times! And I have helped hundreds of women reconnect to their bodies postpartum. It is a process, not everyone goes at the same rhythm, but everyone needs to find their new normal. Adaptation While everyone has different experiences in pregnancy, birth, motherhood, and relationship to sex, having to adapt to change is a reality for every woman after having a baby. It’s a new normal and there is no turning back. Your body is not responding the way it used to. It needs a little time to readapt. Just like when doing rehab for an ankle sprain. You can’t just go back and run when your mind feels ready! Your ankle needs to be ready too! Your mind and body need that attention during the postpartum period. Let’s just look at what might be different after giving birth: Tiredness Hormonal changes Less time for self-care (When a shower feels like self-care!) Not feeling in control of your body: Urine leaks Pressure “down there” after sitting or standing for a while Difficulty holding it until you are on the toilet Pain Milk leaks when breastfeeding Mood changes Worries about baby Worries about the needs of your partner
No wonder you feel overwhelmed! Relationships need to be renegotiated, boundaries redrawn! When sex becomes part of the conversation it can be very difficult to find when it should fit in! And sometimes it might even seem easier to ignore until it isn’t anymore. Let’s talk about sex… For many women, libido is at its lowest after giving birth and often needs a little care and attention to go back to simple pleasure! While it’s usually mentioned that you can go back to sex when you feel ready after birth, doctors often suggest waiting 4 to 6 weeks regardless of the delivery method. It doesn’t mean you should be ready after 4 weeks! It is not the norm! If you had stitches or a long difficult birth your body is going to need time to adapt. And if you feel it’s going to be painful, your mind will also need time to be able to relax and let go! Here’s a plan to get you started: 1-Adjust expectations Sex will be different at first. Your partner will discover the changes in your body and you will also discover how your body reacts to sex. You will need time, without pressure (from yourself and your partner) to rediscover your body. Do not rush things, allow your mind and body to be in sync with your desire. 2-Rebuilding intimacy When you are both sleep-deprived, your time consists of changing diapers, feeding the baby and a shower seems like a luxury, building intimacy might seem like a challenge! Remember, there is more to intimacy than sex. Talking with your partner about how you feel, your level and energy and how your body feels is important in this new adventure. You both need to understand the other to build a safe space.
Until you feel ready for sex, you can maintain intimacy in other ways: Spend time together (if you can’t leave the baby yet, maybe take a walk while baby sleeps in the stroller) Hugging Holding hands Cuddling Get Naked! Being skin to skin with your partner can make you feel more connected even if you are just resting. 3-Make time for yourself Taking care of the baby, and then trying to take care of your couple, will be easier if you take a little more time to take care of yourself too. It doesn’t need to be a long time investment, but a little every day can go a long way. Write a list of things you like to do, and share it with your partner so he can help you make time for it, it could be when the baby is asleep or you could also leave the baby with your partner while you take 1530 minutes to yourself.
4- Reconnect with your pelvic floor muscles This could have been placed first, as you can reconnect with those muscles as soon as you give birth. But they will also be important in your journey back to sex. They are important for orgasm but also sometimes responsible for pain during sex. The pelvic floor is the set of muscles around your vagina that have been through a lot in the past few months. The pelvic floor muscles had to hold extra weight during pregnancy and have stretched sometimes to the point of tearing during labor so they need a little attention after baby. (A little like an ankle sprain.) When you give birth, those muscles stretch and can give you multiple symptoms like pain, soreness, feeling of pressure, in your pelvic area. Other symptoms coming from the pelvic floor, could be urine leaks, difficulty holding when you need to go to the restroom. All those symptoms can definitely turn libido off! Reconnecting with your pelvic floor is the first step to regaining a little control down there and feeling more empowered when having sex. While you may read to do Kegels, I would suggest starting reconnecting to your pelvic floor with your breath and slowly starting contractions from there. This type of movement will help with circulation and help to heal. Later these contractions help with orgasm and better control of relaxation and contraction during sex! If you want to know more about what to do to regain control of your pelvic floor after birth, you can download your guide here: https://www.juliedemers.com/postpartum You feel ready! Set the mood Make sure the mood is right and that you don’t feel rushed. Feeling ready will help you relax and prevent pain from too much tension in your muscles. Foreplay will be important in this period to make sure your body is ready and open. Talk to your partner about what feels good and what doesn’t, and make sure at any point you can say it’s enough. When you have an ankle sprain, you do not go back to running a race right away. You train first, treat it like training for sex! Lubricate
Julie Demers
After giving birth the hormones will be adjusting to your new needs. Vaginal dryness is common. Make sure to have a bottle on hand. Lubricant can reduce pain and help increase pleasure.
The power is in the position You choose the position. Your “old” favorite position might not seem the right one to get back onto the saddle. Do not hesitate to experiment with what feels right or doesn’t. Woman on top helps you be in control of the depth of the penetration while being on your back might help you relax IF you feel that your partner can go slow and adapt to your sensation. Go as slow as you need! And make sure to discuss that at any point you can just go back to cuddling, kissing, and just touching. Set the expectation low, so you can feel comfortable setting the pace. Let’s problem solve! Pain Pain is very common and can have multiple causes. The scar from tearing, or episiotomy can be the cause. Sometimes the scar doesn't stretch as much as the rest of the tissues, so it will need a little bit more care. You can massage the scar to help give it less sensitivity and more flexibility. Download the document about how to take care of your pelvic floor after birth here: https://www.juliedemers.com/postpartum Sometimes there is pain because the vagina seems too tight like the muscles cannot relax and open. Again download the document to know more! Less sensation Women will complain that they don’t feel much happening down there while having sex. Or they cannot reach orgasm. Often your pelvic floor is the reason for this. Reconnect, and try to feel your pelvic floor muscles when breathing. Try it in different positions like lying on your back, sitting, standing. Those exercises will also help you reduce other symptoms like urine leaks, or the sensation of pressure down there while standing.
Instead of doing Kegels every day multiple times per day, without being sure if you are doing it right. I suggest you seek help from a physical therapist who has been trained to treat the pelvic floor. You can also download the postpartum guide here: https://www.juliedemers.com/postpartum Low to no libido Low sex drive is common, after all, your hormones are still adapting, you are tired, you are taking care of a new human, it can be pretty stressful! Remember, that you are not alone and that it won’t last forever. Make sure your partner know that too! In the end, everyone adapts to change differently. We all have different birth stories and different expectations. The true key is to give yourself time. Take the time to adapt to your body’s needs, and reconnect with it. Ignoring its signals won't get you where you want to go. Seek help from professionals. Open the conversation with your partner and try to get to know each other as the new human beings you have become. You will adjust and find your mojo together. Love, Julie
Julie Demers Holistic Pelvic Floor Therapist https://www.juliedemers.com email: julie@juliedemers.com
A strong woman is a woman determined to do something others are determined not be done. —Marge Piercy
Emotional Health
page 53
Emotional Mastery
Chelsea Olson Stress Reduction Coach
A woman’s true power lies in the power of her emotions. Harnessing and being in a healthy relationship with your emotions is the key to unlocking your infinite potential. Directing such strong energy can infuse your visions with unstoppable momentum, and untamed power can lend itself to destruction. Imposter syndrome and self-doubt? Or confidence and self-trust? The choice is yours. This article will illuminate exactly how to master that process. We all know the feeling of losing emotional control. The height and depth of emotional waves can be great and drown the best of intentions with explosive reactivity. When disaster relief clean-up reflects the impact of the emotional tsunamis, one can easily spin into cycles of self-blame, insecurity, and shame. What IF when these waves arose, they weren’t left untamed, but harnessed to create some serious (metaphorically) hydroelectric power? Could you power the whole town? City? Country? World? Imagine what you could build, generate, and create if the power that ALREADY lives inside of you became an ally and critical tool for bringing your dreams to fruition? It is not always easy, but it is possible. This process is called emotional mastery. Were going to break down step-by-step (1) What emotional mastery is, (2) Why you feel what you feel, and (3) steps you can take to make these shifts today. What is Emotional Mastery? Emotional mastery is taking the right action, at the right time, to control your response instead of reacting. It doesn’t take long to see that to master one’s emotions is to master your stress response. Stress directly influences all automatic functions of the body, the mind, and the heart. These functions are governed by the Autonomic Nervous System because these processes are out of our conscious control and happen automatically. This is why telling someone to “Calm down,” is as effective as telling someone to “Digest your food.” While that may be the most pointless advice ever given, there ARE things you can do to change the outcome. Here, you will learn how to use what you CAN control, to shift that which you cannot.
When the brain perceives a threat, it automatically sends the body/mind/heart into a survival state: AKA a stress response. A threat is defined as “someone or something that approaches, or crosses a boundary.” In a culture where boundaries are triggering, we begin to see the potential for emotional fragility that exists in every moment. When in a stress response, emotions are primed for a conflict or self-isolation, most closely mimicking a survival situation. Not only do the muscles tighten, pupils dilate, heart rate increases, etc., but emotions become very sensitive, protective, and quick to find a point of blame: even if that point is yourself. Luckily, the downward spiral is not the only option. Why You Feel What You Feel Your emotions come from many sources. With minimal self-study, however, you may begin to notice patterns and personal tendencies. Becoming familiar with the stress responses and how you personally experience them, is the compass guiding you through the emotional tsunamis and into calmer waters. The three primary states of stress: 1. Our window of tolerance 2. Hyper-arousal 3. Hypo-arousal Knowledge is power, and gaining self-knowledge is the first step to gaining personal power. As you read through the list below, highlight, circle, or simply take note of the descriptions that you relate to. Window of Tolerance You sustain control over your emotions, and feel strong and supported by your body and mind. Your bodily functions thrive: digestion, immunity, reproductivity, heart health, etc. function optimally without much medical intervention. Sleep comes easily as the mind quiets with focused attention. The inevitable stressors of life ignite resilience and the ability to recover quickly. Joy, play, and creativity, can be easily accessed, as well as connect with others. Relationships are built with good listening, thoughtful sharing, and genuine empathy.
Hyper-arousal You lose control of your emotions and lean towards overworking, high-intensity workouts, perfectionism, anger, impatience, and reactivity. Bodily functions weaken and potentially fall into hyperactivity: diarrhea, increased heart rate, high blood pressure, adrenal fatigue, heavy periods, etc. The body holds tension, and struggles to sit still. The mind easily reacts, controls, judges, and moves at a quick pace. The emotions swell into frustration and anger, as the smallest difficulty feels larger than life. You find yourself in debates, arguments, or intolerant of others’ behavior.
Hypo-arousal Bodily functions are slow: constipation, low blood pressure, weak immune system, light periods, etc. The mind may feel numb, quiet, hopeless, and uninspired. Think of Winnie the Pooh’s Eeyore: negative thought patterns that say, “Why bother? What’s the point?” You may feel glued to the couch, finding extreme effort in accomplishing the smallest of tasks. You struggle to get moving. Emotions feel heavy and lean towards self-doubt, insecurity, isolation, and worthlessness. Connection with others proves difficult and draining. You may feel stuck, overwhelmed, burnt out, and fatigued. Every person experiences all of the above, and there is no shame in any of them. If you feel swallowed by these stress states and out of control: do not worry. You are not stuck this way! With simple tools, and the commitment to use them: you can be in control of your emotions, your life, and your relationships.
How to Master our Stress and Emotions I personally summarize these techniques as either Move or Soothe. When in a state of hyper-arousal, we are in need of calming. However, the body/mind/heart (aka the central nervous system) are primed and ready for movement. This is why many fight over nothing. No matter how terrible and frustrating it feels, on one level fighting feels GOOD. Luckily, there is a better way to move these stress hormones and return to peace. Engaging in movement may help release the stored stress chemicals from the body, making it easier to calm the nervous system and emotions. Sometimes movement can aggravate the hyper-aroused state. I recommend experimenting with different kinds of movement, to explore what helps you most. Whether you engage with movement or not, it’s necessary to calm the nervous system to return to the window of tolerance. I recommend practicing what’s called, “Soup Breath.” Inhale through the nose, as if you are smelling soup, and exhale out of pursed lips, as if you are cooling soup.
This emphasizes the exhale, which releases excess energy and signals a relaxation response. Let the inhale be soft and relaxed, following the exhale all the way to the end. You may count your breath to focus the mind on calming down, or repeat “I am releasing all excess tension.” To add more support, place your face in your hands, or head below the heart. These techniques activate your neuroanatomy in a way that most quickly calms the body, mind, and emotions. When we’re in a state of hypo-arousal, stillness is our enemy as we are already stuck in a state of stasis. To get unstuck, we need to move. Movement can be in the obvious form of the physical, but can also be sound, tapping, and self-touch. Engage with movement in any way that doesn’t feel draining. It may be gentle at first such as tai chi, gentle yoga, or simply straightening up your room. In time, you may have more energy to sing, paint, go for a jog, or join a group exercise class. You can also bring your awareness to the inhale as the breath’s energizer. Using a technique I call “Mountain Breath,” take three, short and quick inhales through the nose- holding at the top. When you’re ready, release completely and repeat 3-5x. As mentioned above, the inhale fills you with fresh energy and can shake up depressive stagnancy quickly. By knowing what your tendencies are and how to shift out of the stress response and back into the window of tolerance, you strengthen resilience, gain emotional control, and energize the very core of your being. In Summary Knowledge is power. By becoming aware of your stress patterns, you master how to regulate and control them. We often isolate ourselves in our experiences of difficulty, wondering how does everyone else have it
When in reality, everyone is navigating all of these stress responses all of the time, though we all have our own degrees of severity and personal patterns. The longer we stay outside of the window of tolerance, the longer it takes to return. As difficult as it may be, engage in self-regulation as soon as you become aware you are in an aroused state, and you will quickly gain control of your emotions: even in the most difficult of situations. By mastering your stress responses, you master your emotions. By mastering your emotions, you master your life’s unfolding. It all begins with these simple choices. It all comes down to self-regulation. The sparkling waves of your life await your exploration. Can you hear them calling?
Chelsea Olson www.chelsea-olson.com
Women Empowerment
page | 67
I T ’ S
B L O O M I N G
S E A S O N
Regina Robinson International Speaker, Publisher, Author & Inner Confidence Strategist
Spring is the season of rebirth, renewal, and awakening. It’s in the air! As you awaken to the sound of birds chirping their morning tunes, the sun shining brightly through the window, the smell of flowers blooming in the air, while the breeze is swaying to and fro through the trees. As you listen to the birds chirping and singing you are reminded of how quickly you can get lost in the mesmerizing sounds from above. The sound of the birds reminds you that with every vibration you move to a new level of elevation. Listen closely, while embracing your femininity, gentleness, and beauty, while increasing your frequency. Now is the time to rock to the rhythm of your own beat. It’s the Illumination of the sun that reminds you daily that the day is going to be bright. And if I had to tell it - it’s going to be hot. I realized it’s not about the heat I felt, but the energy I feel when allowing myself to tap into my unstoppable brilliance as the light penetrates deep down in my soul. After all, the soul is where change takes place if you are willing to let the light shine in and awaken the peace in your soul. Like the sun, there is brightness inside of you. Arise, my sister, spring is your season of blooming! Just as the flowers bloom it’s your time to break out of your cocoon. You are ready for such a time as now, you have planted and prepared for your next. The world is waiting for your new arrival. Like lilies in the valley, the world will only experience your beauty if you do what’s necessary to open up.
Credits: BSB Fotography BiBi Saran Bennett
Every day you awaken to the cool breeze blowing, it is a reminder that you have breath in your body. As you step outside and inhale remember the beauty of another day, and as you exhale remember to let it all go as you embrace the present moment. The breeze is a reminder that you can create your happiness at any given time. Spring is a resemblance of the happiness you deserve and desire, the motivation you need to stay the course, and the positivity of knowing that all things are possible.
Credits: BSB Fotography BiBi Saran Bennett
While the trees are blossoming like new The flowers are blooming The breeze is refreshing The bees are buzzing The butterflies are flying The sky illuminated in shades of blue The sun glistening While you are becoming the best version of you Just like time springs forward it’s your season of elevation and transformation. Credits: BSB Fotography BiBi Saran Bennett
Regina Robinson Credits: BSB Fotography BiBi Saran Bennett
www.reginarobinsonspeaks.com
Believe In You Again Dear Individual
Audrey Lingg Life Engineer Mentor
Your beliefs need not be mine & mine not be yours Your thoughts need not be mine & mine not be yours Your words need not be mine & mine not be yours Your actions need not be mine & mine not be yours You're not me & I am not you
Thank God for that because: if we were all the same, some of us wouldn’t be necessary! You are an individual & so am I Let’s believe in ourselves again
Belief is an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists. A trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something. We all have CORE beliefs and values that provide the foundation for our decisions, behaviors, and actions throughout our lives. If we don’t understand our values, we may violate them without realizing them. This can lead to feelings of guilt and shame, without knowing why we are feeling that way. Being our own individual person and standing in our power as that individual is no easy task these days. By the end of this article, you’ll have a unique list of values and beliefs to help you with knowing the direction you want for your life. And even better, you’ll have a clear idea of what actions you can take to experience life in true alignment with whom you want to be. When I was young I believed that I was invincible, I could do anything I wanted to do, be anything I wanted to be. I was free-spirited, strong-willed, and sassy, I would put my hands on my hips and say what I needed to say for myself at any time, very confidently. As a child that had the opportunity to exercise the beliefs and values I had and was able to voice them, it was a joy to be that child. But, when my mom married those CORE beliefs and values got squashed, silenced, even masked for a while, they were still there but covered up, censored to fit the new ideology this new person of authority brought into the family. Have you ever felt bullied that much that you didn’t have your own voice or maybe not a voice at all? You're not alone, there are many of us in the world that have had our beliefs and values silenced. Are now ready to release them to do great things you were meant to do in this world. Join us on this journey of discovery. Researchers confirms that when people have a clear set of beliefs and values several things take place: They find it easier to make big life decisions around pursuing their passions, defining and achieving their longterm career goals, and having healthier relationships. They are less likely to engage in destructive thought patterns, especially when in difficult life situations. They tolerate physical pain more easily. They have greater self-discipline and focus when studying or working. Social connections are stronger.
Comparison You are a unique human being and there is nobody in this world like you. Comparing ourselves to others can have a detrimental impact on our sense of self-value and overall mental health. It doesn't matter what other people are doing, what they think of you, or what they have accomplished. Your personal sense of self-value is far more important to maintain and nurture. When we stop comparing ourselves to others we can begin to focus on our own unique path, goals, and what we personally value in life.
Be grateful Keep a gratitude journal. One way to value yourself more is to be grateful for everything you do and write it down. It’s easy to be critical and wish we had done better, but we’re always doing the best that we can. Keep that up and celebrate the small stuff that elevates your self-worth.
Forgive yourself When people hurt you, practice forgiveness. When things don’t go as planned, practice forgiveness. Holding grudges, whether from others or yourself, is like intentionally plaguing yourself with a burden that you don’t need to carry. Forgiveness helps you more than it helps the person you forgive. It’s worth implementing it into our everyday life. Boundaries Sometimes it may feel uncomfortable setting boundaries, feeling like it is mean or selfish (that is untrue, it is not!). You are doing yourself a disservice if you are not establishing clear and respectful boundaries in your life. This can often lead to a pattern of neglecting yourself in order to accommodate others or tolerating disrespectful or harmful behavior. Core beliefs are powerful underlying messages that we send ourselves, often without even understanding what is happening. It is extremely helpful to begin to notice the thoughts that we are having when we are feeling any emotion. We can then dig deeper to understand what core beliefs or values we hold that could undermine our view of ourselves and others so we are able to take the steps to change them. When you have a clear idea of who you are, and your beliefs and values, you make better decisions and create the life you want. There are differences between beliefs and values, here is a great resource for further exploration as I don’t have the space to address that here. These are 3 actionable ways to figure out who you are and apply this knowledge today to lead a happier, more prosperous, and fulfilling life.
BE in line with your core beliefs and values We all need a strong foundation for our life. Like a house built on a solid foundation our life needs to have one as well or it will fall apart. Once you understand your beliefs and values, you can build the life you want. To help find your beliefs and values, look back at times when you took a stand, or when you regretted not taking that stand or doing the thing you did. Consider the people you see as “your heroes” and what they stand for. You will notice common themes which correlate with your deeper identity. Your deep identity is often expressed by activities of the enteric or gut-brain ( I have a feeling ), as a part of beliefs and values come from within. But, it can also result from outside influences, like our environment (nature) and the people around us (nurture). Check what you are saying to yourself and change your life. Here is a list of some belief statements to start. I am bad. (I can’t do anything right.) I am smart. (I will succeed if I try.) I am unlovable. (Nobody will ever appreciate me.) I am beautiful (Beauty is in the eye of the beholder) People are untrustworthy. (People will take advantage and hurt me if they have a chance.) The world has many opportunities to explore (I get to choose what I do with my life) The world is dangerous/not safe. (I need to protect myself.) I get to choose (I create my reality) Or use the Core Values List to understand yourself better.
Always BE growing, evolving, and changing
Who you are is not who you always have to be. Change is possibly the only constant in the world, with new experiences and lessons learned every day. Sometimes, you need to determine how to reinvent yourself, to adapt to shifting goals as you change as a person. By reevaluating your dreams from time to time and examining your current goals, you can see if your daily habits will take you in the direction you are wanting to go. If not, it’s time to refocus and get your life back on track. Personal growth is always a choice to make every day, pick up that book and read, listen to that motivational podcast or audio, and go talk to someone that uplifts you. Go out and find what works for you.
Change your environment — as well as BE true to yourself Our environment has a huge impact on who we are and where we are in our lives right now. Our family, friends, community, and work environment; those people whom we interact with, and situations faced on a regular basis dramatically influence our thoughts, motivation, and mood. One way you change your environment, without drastically changing your life, is to start spending more time with supportive, loving people who share your values. That’s where self-awareness is key. When you understand your values, and who you are, it’s easier to differentiate whether you really want something, or if you were told to want something.
When you believe in yourself and understand your core values, you have a better idea of how to live with an open mind while still living according to who you are. Remember, figuring out who you are can take time and experience. Sometimes we don’t know who we are until someone or something reflects back to us pieces of our own truth. When we finally learn to be our authentic selves, it increases our chances of success and living a joyful life with meaning. And when you’re ready to figure out who you are, you don’t have to do it alone! I am here to help, and I'd be honored to guide you.
Audrey Lingg https://empowered-livingacademy.business.site
Coaching & Lifestyle
page | 75
p o t S o t w Ho ng Time i t s Wa
Kleine Achiles Life Coach
How do you spend most of your time? Productively? Catching up on things? Do you feel like you’re wasting your time a lot? Are you using it for the things you want to do? Here’s a little secret: There is no one way to measure how you’re using your time, whether you use it productively, efficiently, etc. When you lay on the couch, one person might consider that a waste of time; another person considers that as time to rest and recharge How you are using your time is just personal judgement. It’s an opinion, NOT a fact. And the thing is, we spend so much time judging how we use our time, instead of being present in it. There is a famous quote by Mary Oliver from her poem: The Summer Day Tell me, what is it you plan to do With your one wild and precious life? And while it’s a beautiful quote, so many of us use it against ourselves. You might have used it to pressure yourself, as some sort of measuring stick to judge whether you’re on track for that promotion, that revenue goal for your business, or doing anything meaningful, or fulfilling with your life.
Have you actually read the whole poem by Mary Oliver? If you haven’t, I suggest you do. But I will point out another part of that same poem: I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel in the grass, how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields which is what I have been doing all day. Tell me, what else should I have done?
The whole poem The Summer Day is actually about being in the present, enjoying what you might consider mundane or uneventful. Mary Oliver talks about taking a stroll through the fields and being idle. Nothing about saving the world, finding a cure for cancer, donating thousands of dollars to charity, or breaking generational cycles of trauma and fighting against racism. And while those are amazing causes, it’s important to remember that the day-to-day moments of our lives are full of amazingness, wonder, and meaning in their own way. We just only need to look at those moments in those ways too. You get to decide that. I think something so many of us takes for granted, myself as well, is that one moment… that miracle of being able to open your eyes and wake up the next morning. That belief is that the things I planned in my calendar, the appointments I have booked, the things I want to get done, and having the time to spend with people I love, I’ll be able to do all of those things. When none of that is actually guaranteed.
So, what if you’re never actually wasting time? What if you are exactly where you need to be in this moment of your life? What if you are actually doing something meaningful with your life by simply living it? What if you spent a little less time judging how you use your time and focused more on that energy being in the moment?
Kleine Achiles @kleineachiles_coaching
Unplugging in the Name Lena Suarez-Angelino
of Self-Love
Mental Health Therapist & Empowerment Coach.
Understanding the importance of taking the time to unplug as the highest form of self-care and the ultimate form of self-love.
Unplugging comes in many forms and can happen from anywhere! Before I tell you about how to unplug from anywhere in the world, I want to share with you my most recent trip to Costa Rica and the inspiration for this article, where I was able to experience the benefits of unplugging during travel. When was the last time you took a solo trip? I recently returned from one of the most healing and transformational trips where I joined a group of other mental health therapists to help relax, restore and rejuvenate so that we can continue to thrive. Ironically, both times I’ve traveled without family, they were to Costa Rica, and both times they were absolutely lifechanging. Both times, I knew I was meeting up with other people that were traveling solo or with a friend, in order to join a larger group for a greater purpose. The first time, I was on a volunteer trip and stayed for approximately three weeks. The second time, it was a one-week retreat specifically for therapists, hosted by Megan Smith Gunnell of Thriving Well Institute. Both times, I chose to unplug as much as possible, especially from social media, and that is where the true healing and the art of unplugging begins. Sure, I used my phone while on the plane to listen to music or watch a movie. I brought my iPad with me to answer any emails or respond to my editor for my upcoming book. I responded to things that were immediate and emergent, and the rest was saved for later when I returned. My phone’s main purpose while at the retreat center was for checking in with my family periodically (traveling away from family can be hard!) and to take the most stunning photos. Aside from that, I spent my time talking to everyone around me and soaking in the sights and sounds of beautiful Costa Rica.
What I’ve learned about unplugging, especially while on travel, is that you truly allow your body, mind, and soul to relax and be present. When you travel without distraction, you have a greater sense of clarity and peace. You are able to ask yourself the deeper questions that your soul has been longing to hear the answer to. You are able to be more mindfully present so that you are no longer influenced by daily life stressors and distractions, pressuring you to live a life that may not be most aligned for you. Lastly, you are able to visualize a plan for when you return and be more intentional in your life as a whole. You become more selective with the time you spend with family and friends, the time you spend working, and most importantly, the time you spend on yourself. Unplugging has been able to emphasize the importance of taking the time to spend on myself to prevent burnout.
How to unplug, from anywhere in the world The main purpose of this article is to show you how to unplug from anywhere in the world so that you, too, can experience the beautiful benefits that have become invaluable. You can begin by taking tiny steps in your plan to unplug such as setting time limits on certain apps or limiting use of technology at certain hours of the day. It takes some getting used to at first, but then you start to become aware of how much more intentional you can be with your time. Think of the things that you feel that you never have time for throughout the day. Do you wish you spent more time reading? Tidying and organizing your house? Learning a new language or hobby? All of these things are a great way to spend your time while you are unplugging from your phone. Perhaps you use this time to sit outside and listen to the birds, bringing a journal with you to capture your thoughts.
Why you should unplug from time to time The more you unplug from the mindless scrolling the more at peace you become. As mentioned earlier, you reduce the amount of influence and pressure that is consumed by society, especially on social media. People often fear the quiet and avoid it at all costs with distractions. Unplugging from time to time helps you become more comfortable with the silence, as you quickly learn that the silence offers a lot more room for introspection.
Unplugging helps you to slow down, evaluate, and plan. It gives you the opportunity to take a break, rest, and restore. When you slow down, you are able to evaluate and take a look at what is and is not working for you in both your personal and professional life. Then you can create a plan of action to work towards building and creating a life that is more fulfilling. The amount of time spent unplugging doesn’t have to be hours and hours and hours. It can be 5-10 minutes here and there. At the end of the day, humans are social beings, and therefore connection and interaction is vital. I’m not promoting that you cut yourself off from the world forever, rather that you allow yourself the time to be without influence.
How to keep in touch with me
Give it a try. I would love to know what you gain from the experience of unplugging. Feel free to connect with me on Instagram (@lenasuarezangelino) or send me an email at lena@lightcollectiveandco.com. There are a few things in the works, such as launching my own podcast series, The LIGHT Life with Lena as well as promoting my upcoming book, Anger Management Workbook for Moms. LIGHT Collective & Co. is my community where you learn to put yourself first without feeling guilty. LIGHT serves as a reminder to let it go, here, today.
Lena SuarezAngelino lightcollectiveandco.com
Family & Relationship
page | 81
5 Ways to Cope with Uncertainty in a Maria Natapov Stepparenting Coach & Strategist
Blended Family
If the pandemic hasn’t been overwhelming enough, the fact that a senseless war recently broke out in Europe with crimes against humanity being carried out on peaceful civilians, has sent many into a downward spiral of feeling helpless and wondering: What is it all for? and What’s next? Here are some strategies to help you and your children and stepchildren cope with all the uncertainty, fear, and stress. Acknowledge Feelings During stressful and difficult times, it is particularly important to name your feelings, creates space to feel them, and process them. Whether you do the latter by talking about them, journaling through them, or doing something else, what matters most is that you deal with these emotions and let them run their natural course until they subside. Doing so allows these emotions to get out of your system, brings them into the light, and quickly provides more clarity and perspective. These steps are just as important for adults as they are for children. And when you create space to do this with your children and stepchildren, you show them the way and teach them the importance of this approach and how to execute it. Create Positive Habits Having consistency in the way of habits and traditions often helps to relieve anxiety and creates peace, calm, and ease. Our brains like and respond well to predictability. So, build some positive habits that lift your spirits and put you in a good mood! Maybe you have a dance party in the middle of your living room for 15 minutes at 3 pm every day. Or maybe you belt out songs in your car for 10 minutes. Or you can do a 20-minute yoga or meditation together. Having a consistent structured activity to look forward to, like sitting down to a meal together and catching each other up on your day or going out for a walk fosters connections among you and reminds you that you’re not going through this alone.
There will be times when things don’t go according to plan, and you might need to adjust the timing of the activity or maybe skip it altogether. That’s fine! These things happen. When they do, respond with grace and embrace the unexpected by seizing the opportunity to do something fun and off-the-cuff. Your kids and stepchildren are watching your every move and taking cues from you as to how to cope with these unforeseen circumstances. For more examples of positive habits to help you cope with negative emotions, check out Episode 11 of the Synergistic Stepparenting podcast titled 7 Components Of A Stepparenting Sanity Routine: https://synergisticstepparenting.com/11 Foster Calm Create spaces, atmospheres, and vibes that bring you joy. Organize your space in a way that feels good to you and is welcoming. Sometimes clutter can cause anxiety. So, set aside time as a family to tidy up the place to make it more inviting and pleasant. You can add some candles and pops of color or texture with fabrics or creative projects you make together. Invite the kids to make some decorating decisions. They love to be responsible for important tasks and will surprise you with their creativity and effectively they rise to the occasion. News can often create overwhelm and a swirl of negative emotions. So, limit your news intake and time on social media to minimize those stressors. Find 1 or 2 trusted sources for information and get your updates there no more than 2 times per day limiting the amount of time you engage with the content during each session. Stress Looks Like Challenging Behavior In adults, prolonged stress can look like anxiety or irritability, sadness, depression, and even panic attacks. In children, stress can look like anxiety or worry, being emotional or cranky, not listening, power struggles, and even seeming physically out of control. These symptoms are just ways your loved one is communicating to you that they are dysregulated and need your help.
Reflective listening is an effective technique for these situations. When your child or stepchild is expressing anxiety, anger, or overwhelm, calmly reflect back to them what you are seeing naming their emotional state, ex. “I see that you’re angry.” Be sure to stay present and give them your full attention. Be sure to avoid judging or shaming them or their emotions. Just bearing witness to their experience is powerful in and of itself. And this technique works great with adults too! As tempting as it might be, try your best to avoid solving the problem for them. Instead, calmly encourage them to solve it on their own. For ex., “I know that things feel bad right now, but you’re smart and capable and you will figure it out.” They will surprise you with their resilience and problem-solving abilities. Stay In Gratitude Fostering a gratitude practice is a great way to build resilience, and uplift mood, and happiness. It’s great to go around the room when the family is together and have everyone share one thing that they are grateful for that day. Coupling this habit with another activity your family does altogether is a wonderful way to build it into your routine. Focusin g your attention on the positives and blessings when others are in a less fortunate situation builds empathy and compassion. You can even think of ways to help and give back. And teach the kids how to execute those plans. Incorporating these strategies is sure to help your family navigate challenges while nurturing deeper bonds with each other. And you’ll be teaching your kids powerful life lessons in the process.
Maria Natapov has been a stepparent for 9+ years. When she and her partner learned of the abuse and neglect inflicted by the biological mother, Maria studied and took the lead to install the right supports and prevent her stepdaughter from further harm. As a Stepparenting Coach, her passion is helping other stepparents transform their challenging responsibilities into opportunities for the whole family to thrive. Maria also hosts a podcast by the same name where she talks frankly about actionable steps to transform family chaos into meaningful and harmonious co-parenting. Reminding stepparents that they are not alone. Learn more about Maria Natapov. Connect with Maria on LinkedIn.
Maria Natapov www.Synergistic Stepparenting.com
THREE
CHANGE
WORDS
YOUR
THAT
RELATIONSHIP
’
Spoiler Alert: It s not Nicole Mason,
WILL
“I love you”
Relationship Coach + RTT Practitioner
Do you want to turn your relationship around? Make your partner’s day, week, maybe even, their year? One simple phrase can do that, regardless of how long you’ve been together. It’s not “I love you.” While saying “I love you” is important for men, it’s more important for women to hear. Respect means more to men than love. Women understand what it feels like to be disrespected. But, showing and feeling respect is something women sometimes have a hard time with. It’s more than just a feeling of neutrality or celebrating little victories. It can also be more than accepting him for who he is – even when you disagree with him. It’s a deep admiration. For more WHO they are – their abilities, qualities, and sometimes their achievements. “He was respected by everyone who worked with him” is a way men talk about other men. While women say things like, “Everyone liked her; she was always so caring.” These differences speak to what is important to them. Women want to be cared about while men want to be respected. Isn’t respect the same thing as being cared about? Not really. To women, having someone take care of the dishes, finding a babysitter for date night, or paying all the bills, is being taken care of. While those things are necessary to co-exist, those aren’t the most important things to men. Men want and need to feel respected and admired for what they’re bringing to the relationship. Most women find it a little awkward to tell their partner they respect him. However, there is a more impactful phrase that fits more situations but gives the same sentiment. That phrase is: “You impress me.”
When you’re present and listening to him talk about his day, you can say, “I noticed when you helped the neighbor with their fence today. That was such a nice thing to do. You really impress me with how you go out of your way to help others, even when you have so much to do.” When he is thinking about something, especially if you want more of that thoughtfulness to show up, you can say, “Your thoughtfulness is so meaningful and impressive.” When you want to acknowledge him and say thank you, “Thank you for taking off work to drive to the soccer game today. Your dedication to supporting the kids is impressive.” If you want to address something, with kindness, you can say, “I’ve always been impressed with how much you help around the house. When you didn’t offer to help me fold the laundry, it surprised me. Is there anything going on that you’d like to talk about?” Did he make a decision that was right, but hard? Your acknowledgment of it will make him beam with pride. A simple, “You impress me in how you deal with uncomfortable situations at work” will go so far.
How often do men respect our physical boundaries without any appreciation? A lot more than we realize. A little recognition is incredibly meaningful to receive. It doesn’t have to be a full-on celebration, but sharing your gratitude by saying, “I know you wanted to cuddle on the couch last night, but I was feeling a little uncomfortable and didn’t feel like touching anything. Your ability to recognize that and respect my feelings without making it a big deal is so impressive and appreciated.” Men don’t get enough credit for how much they support women and our relationships, whether that be with our family, friends, or colleagues. The next time your partner encourages you to spend time with someone outside of your home, even if only for a couple of hours, what would say, “I know me going out with my sisters puts more burden on you. You always supporting me to have evenings with the girls is so impressive to me. Thank you for doing that. It means a lot.” Some women hate having to put more thought and effort into their relationship. They argue they shouldn’t have to celebrate their partner’s minimal effort. While I can understand that, it’s been my experience as a divorce attorney who saved the majority of my client’s marriages, that using this one little phrase can be the turnaround your relationship needs to get back on track. Often, you get what you give with men. If you’re giving disconnection, you’re going to feel alone. If you’re giving positivity and excitement, you’ll feel loved and have fun together. If you give admiration and respect, you’ll be his priority. Isn’t that what we all want? It doesn’t take much effort. One of my most stubborn divorce clients halted at this suggestion until the week before her trial. Her husband always arrived on time to pick up their kids for the parenting time exchange. In an effort to be better co-parents (and probably to help make the trial go better), she told her soon-to-be ex-husband how much that impressed her.
@kleineachiles_coaching
Later that night, her husband texted her and told her how much that meant to him. She said it a few more times over the next couple of days and got positive reactions from her husband. The day before the trial, she came to my office to go over some last-minute things but asked me to push the trial for a month. She had such a huge turnaround in her interactions with her husband from that one phrase that she wanted to see what a month of experiencing each other like this would be like. It didn’t take a month. After two weeks, they decided they were going to call off the divorce and work together on their marriage – not for their kids, but for them. They didn’t want to lose what they had. While it had dimmed from years of unappreciation and other issues (including infidelity), those three words were the catalyst to bringing back the spark. They’re still together today – she’s still telling him how impressed he is with her and he’s going above and beyond for her. Commit to trying it out for a few days, maybe a week, and see how your partner responds. Your relationship is worth the effort.
For more tips and support, join Nicole’s FREE Facebook group, Let Go & Let Love: Free Yourself. Transformation Your Relationship. To get a FREE guided mediation recording to let go of resentment in your relationship, send an email to: nicole@relationship-transformation.com with the subject line as: BEmpower Recording
Nicole Mason nicole@relationshiptransformation.com
Healing with Energy
page |90
What is Energy? Heal your past. Create your future Mor Yelvington Energy Healer / Relationship Coach
You know that feeling when someone says something so hurtful to you it feels like a punch in your gut? You know how you can feel that pain for days, sometimes weeks after that experience? This is energy delivered in verbal form, and your body reacts or resists it. When we are born, our first language is energy, this is how we communicate with each other, beyond words. When we are born we have total space and ease, but the more “punches” life gives us, the more we resist, react, and collect compounded energy balls into our body and what ends up happening is the space we once were is now contracted and heavy. Imagine this: A beautiful clear web that flows in the wind you can barely see it, but when the light shines on it in a certain way you see it shining in the light. Now imagine this web catching all the dust and dirt in the air, then the flies and bugs get stuck to it. The web keeps collecting all these things and pretty soon, it gets so dirty and so heavy it falls, tears and rips...
This is how our bodies are. Our bodies are a beautiful, shiny net of energy collecting life experiences, and every time we resist and react, or align and agree to the lessons, the people, the situations that life gives us we start collecting dust in our web and this will go on until our body starts crying for help by causing pain, gaining weight, creating anxiety, insomnia, depression. This is your body showing you it has a dis-ease.
So what can you do?
With energy work, we clear the stuck energy in your body so you can go back to being in a space of ease.
You see, most of the time we aren't even aware of how much dust we have collected until it is too late. We forgot how to communicate with our body. We learn to ignore it, judge it, neglect it. But, what if your body is your best friend? What if your body was here for you, had your back? What if your body has just been waiting for you to acknowledge it? How much energy are you spending not healing your body from the past? How much more ease will you experience when all the dust is gone and all that is left is the beautiful, shining light that is just YOU? Ready to play? I invite you to start talking with your body. Stop judging it, and instead tell it how much you love and appreciate it. Start showing your body gratitude. Ask your body, “What would you like to eat? What would you like to wear?” Pay attention, and start noticing what it is telling you. You will be amazed at what happens when you start asking questions without looking for answers. I'd like to add the LINK TO MY FREE 3 SECRETS TO OVERCOME ANXIETY VIDEO FREE 3 Secrets to Overcoming Anxiety Now | MORPH (morphhealing.com)
Mor Yelvington www.morphhealing.com/
@morph_healing
Females are the most beautiful, gorgeous creatures in the whole world. And I think that we are gorgeous no matter what size we are.” —Alicia Keys
What does BEmpower Women do? BEmpower Women was created in 2016, with the intention of contributing to the well-being of women, empowering them in different facets of their lives, including the professional/business part. BEmpower Women is a Family Secret Helpers, Inc. project that aims to empower and inspire women around the world. Helping women to understand that loving and taking care of themselves is not a selfish act, but an act of self-love. We motivate the woman, mother, wife, professional. We focus on helping and motivating women who are or have been victims. We fight for women's rights. We make it our priority to empower women around the world, having allies in different countries (we speak English and Spanish). Inspire women to turn their ideas and passion into a reality, establish successful businesses and live the life they have always dreamed of.
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