Mary Pat Curran :: GIFTS IN THE MESS
Hello uncertainty. At 14 weeks, after the urine test that examined the proteins in my urine, I received a call. An ultrasound was needed. I remember sitting in the dark and cold of that room, alone with the ultrasound tech. My body had to be still, but my mind was racing. You know they can’t tell you what they’re looking for or at, so it was quiet after the polite chit-chat. I anxiously waited for the doctor to look at the footage and then turn to me to let me know there was a problem. My first-born’s intestines were hanging outside of his body. Hello fear and uncertainty. 40
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In 1998 I was blessed to become pregnant with my first child, my son, Jack.
It’s strange enough being pregnant for the first time. So many things change during pregnancy: hormones are crazy, the body changes shape, and movements are new. And, so much is already uncertain because it was my first pregnancy. Now, I was given the chance to handle this additional stress and questions: What caused it? Is it my fault? Will he live? Will I live? Not to bog us all down in medical mysteries, it was determined to be one of two things: omphalocele (a genetic disorder with the possibility of multiple issues) or gastroschisis (a non-genetic disorder with, hopefully, less negative outcomes.) I was 26 years old and I was scared. And my family was scared. Questions, doubts and possible scenarios played out in my head the rest of those weeks. Physically, I felt great. I enjoyed being pregnant and feeling him move, but there was no joyous anticipation that typically surrounds the birth of a child. Instead there was a heaviness of heart, body and mind. The uncertainty weighed on my shoulders and darkened my heart. Instead of looking forward with eager anticipation, there was flatness and even dread. No big dreams of what he might grow up to be, no happy ponderings of his future beyond birth. There were only the questions of: Will he live? How bad will it be if he does live? What will happen?
