Fun, Facts and Filosophy

Said The Pure Minded Philosopher

"Ti,me of day is really a very important matter. I think nothing of seeing a couple on the down-town streets at six otlock in the evening, but at six o'clock in the ,morning-well, perhaps I have no business be,ing out that early.',

Tfie Church Decorators Bill

Talk about itemized, bills !

Here is one that is worth mentioning. The church painter and decorator had a piece job fixing up an old church, and here is the bill he sent in :

Correcting Ten Com,mand,ments .. .. .$ 6.25

Varnishing Pontius Pilate and putting h,im in new tooth

STIE SAID IT ABOUT F'LOWERS

Here is the best story of the season. It was a brilliant church wedding in New York City, and a daughter of the very top layer of the Four Hundred, was walking down the aisle. She was a charming, delicate girl, blushing and smiling in a filmy wedding gown, walking daintily along, seeming almost to float, so feminine and grace- ful she was, her gossamer veil floating like a halo ,about her lovely head. She was any ,man's best bet ffor an angel. At the very alter she stubbed her toe against a potted lily resting on the floor, and she was plainly heard to say to the astonished preacher who stood there waiting to perform his office: "That's a Hell of a place for i lily."

How The Steno Got The Job

1.80

Ptrtting new tail on rooster of St. Peter and mending She was applying for the position of stenographer a'nd St. Peter's coat . ..........

Touching up and re-gilding Guardian Angel

4.05 thebigman behindthe bigdeskwas grimlyquestioning

3.60 her:

Washing servant of high priest and putting carmine "Chew gum ?" on his cheeks l.,lo "No, sir'"

Renewing Heaven, adjusting stars, and cleaning the "Spell cat and dog and such words correctly?" moon

9.00 "Yes, sir'"

Touch,ing up purgatory ancl bringing lost souls out "Get here on time and work while you're here," plafi,ner i. .1. . .,. .

4.20 "Yes, sir."

Taking spots off son of Tobias .90 $_Punt". Then she said: putting iirrgs in Sarah's ears

Brightening up flames of Hell

Prrtting t.* t"it horn on the Devil and cleaning tail.

Two hours doing different jobs for the damne6,......

1.35 "Smoke bad tobacco while you're dictating?"

4.m "Why-tto'"

10.00 "Take it out on the office force when you've had a row

3.00 at home' or got beat playing golf, or made a bust?"

Putting new sandals on Abraham, restoring lost tails "Certainly not." and horns to his flocks .

Putting new shoes on Balaam's Ass

6.40 "Know enough English grammar and spelling to ap-

Z.l0 preciate a good letter when it's written for you ?"

Putting new shirt. on Jonah, and enlarging the whale. "!Vhy-er-I think so'" mouth

2.65 "Want me to go to work or is your time so valuable-"

Ptrtting new leaves on Adam and E,ve .32 "S"y," said he, "There's a locker tlrere for your wraps. I{ang them up and let's get busy."

Salesmanship

By Jack Dionne

Your friend in his auto goes honking past

On a gasoline carouse,

When you thought you had him hard, and fast

On the bill for a brand new house;

And you sit in your chair and heave and swear

And call it a "gol-darned shame,"

Yet you wouldn't believe nor even conceive

That you were the one to blame.

F-or the auto shark refused to hark

To a "No, f',m not ready to buy,"

But the ride of their life to that man and his w,ife

He gave without much reply.

He shifted the clutch till they cried "How much ?

It's certainly fine to ro.am."

And you got beat 'cause you stayed in your seat

And neglected to talk "A HOME.,'

Might As Well Finish It

A shingle manufacturer (says "The Rite-Grader"), who was on the point of death, had made his will, etc., and was dictating to his weeping wife a list of those whom he desired to serve as his pallbearers. She noted with surprise that they were all bankers.

"But, my dear," she remonstrated, t'why do you want only bankers for your pallbearers ?"

"Because," he replied, "They have carried me all my life ; why not let them finish the job ?"