BREAKING: Another Year of Your Irrecoverable College Experience Has Passed

- IMRAN SIDDIQUI, PP EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

funny about the PP. You just can’t make any jokes about it,” Imran Siddiqui, the Pennsylvania Paper Editor-in-Chief, said. One of the strongest proponents of the new masthead, he expressed relief that the current name is not misleading about the paper’s print schedule. “The Daily Pennsylvanian is a thing of the past,” he said. “We don’t even print daily anymore.”

Fundraising for a Good Cause!

Pledge Paid $5 to Serenade

Unhoused Person

One curious donor gave back to the West Philadelphia community in the form of serenading an unhoused person to the tune of “Dreams and Nightmares” by Meek Mill

The last time you checked, it was 2021. But now, it is not even 2022. It is now 2023. You blink once, a day goes by. But as you chase deadlines and headlines, you blink twice and two years go by.

Everyone knows everyone had a secret college bucket list in their imagination when they first stepped foot here. Did you realize your bucket list was founded on an outsider’s perception of Penn, and that when you stepped foot here, Penn wasn’t actually what you made it out to be? Perhaps now, knowing what you see as a student and not an applicant, you’ve updated your perception. Regardless, were you able to do the things you wanted to do?

Did you find yourself caught up in schoolwork, paperwork, busywork that you never found the time to do the things you want to do? Has your mere existence as a college student eaten up another year of your college experience? You may have permitted school to interfere with your education. You have made Mark Twain mad.

Maybe you had a moment like this last year as well, where you realized a year at college had been accomplished. Or disappeared. Perhaps you had said to yourself last year, or even the year before, that you were going to

Citing ‘National Security,’ Congressional Republicans Push to Ban Wasian Couples

The legislative proposal is the latest effort to crack down on Chinese influence within the United States

TED KWEE-BINTORO U.S.-China Relations Amateur

39th Street.

It was later revealed to our sources that this act of kindness came from a fundraiser conducted by several Penn business fraternities involving paying brothers and pledges anywhere between one and ten dollars for actions ranging from “taking shots of Hill sriracha” to “lap dancing on the Benjamin Bench,” and even “fake dating my nemesis.” However, one curious donor chose kindness and decided to give back to the West Philadelphia community in the form of serenading an unhoused person to the tune of “Dreams and Nightmares” by Meek Mill.

The response from the community has been one of joy. A West Philadelphia resident close to the unnamed unhoused individual remarked:

“This jawn really helped us out. Penn loves ‘helping the community,’ but they’ve never done something like this. Who needs affordable housing when you have ‘Hold up, wait a minute, y'all thought I was finished?’”

Penn officials have been made aware of the act and are now rethinking their own West Philadelphia revitalization plans. When discussing this situation with the business fraternities responsible, they stated, “It’s all in the average day’s work of our organization and our goals of changing the world [for the worse].”

WASHINGTON – Amidst ongoing bipartisan efforts to ban TikTok, the House Republican Conference unveiled a bill on Monday which would ban all Wasian couples by 2025. The legislative proposal, titled the “Restricting the Emergence of Security Threats that Risk Interracial Couples and Threesomes (RESTRICT) Act,” marks the latest iteration of Congressional-led efforts to crack down change some things. Yet, you are here again. Now that you are here, having this moment again, do you think you are going to have this moment yet again next year? on Chinese influence within the United States and would criminalize “marriages, romantic relationships, situationships, jaunts, flings, one-night stands, and throuples between individuals… of a CaucAsian nature.”

Nevertheless, congratulations! You have made it to the present. But at what cost? How much time have you wasted in the past to get to the present?

In 4 years, will you look back in nostalgia on late-night Wawa runs, Excel or VSCode at 4 a.m., and avoiding eye contact on Locust Walk? Is it alright to walk the walk and get handed a piece of paper, thinking that you thought you would have something more to say?

The University of Pennsylvania is no stranger to rising U.S.-China tensions, with Republicans levying allegations that the Ivy League institution provides material support to the People’s Republic of China by obfuscating Penn Biden Center donations from the country and offering Chinese language classes. A Penn spokesperson indicated that the University was ready to comply with the proposed measures, stating that Penn’s Asian faculty members are “ready to divest from their white partners … if the bill should come to pass.”

However, many students remain concerned that the bill could effectively undermine an essential part of Penn student life.

“It’s really disheartening to see what’s going on here,” said local Wasian Catherine Young (C ‘23).

“It’s obvious that our elected lawmakers are appealing to Sinophobic sentiment in an effort to further their own selfish interests, and it’s disappointing to see the lack of response from the Penn community. Besides, if they really care about our national security, they should focus on other priorities, like freshman-senior relationships or that couple down the hall in Riepe that fucks too loudly.”

At press time, white people were unavailable for comment.