College Questions and Concerns: An Evening With Kite and Key

MEGAN STRIFF-CAVE AND JETT FLAXMAN Title

Discussion:

Upon peer review, other researchers found a few inaccuracies within our study. Firstly, we forgot to include a reference section to our peer editors. Secondly, we lacked a percent error. Upon calculation, our percent error was 0.0000%, revealing our results to be even more significant, and within the realm of science, perfect. In the future, we would like to include even more variables such as two cups of water at once and once big sphere of ice, or potentially crushed ice.

References: We thank Dr. Striff-Cave for her paper, “The Rapid Polymerization of Ice within Mitochondrial Vectors: A Study.” Her research paved the way for studying the rate at which Ms. Salvin could drink these waters. In addition, we thank water scientist Beth Winkelstein for her opus, “Water: Good or Bad?” and her ability to accept criticism as well as to dole it out. Of course, none of this would have been possible without the generosity of the International Center for Water Science, dually located in China and Switzerland.

DESIGN BY JOSEPHINE BUCCINI

Hi everyone! Our names are Jett and Megan. We are two incredibly nautically-passionate students here at Penn, and we also happen to be Kite & Key Tour Guides! We recognize that college can be a tough transition. Some people are figuring out how to stick to a steady gym schedule, or how to practice their religion. Others are wondering, "How do I uphold the tenets of Maritime Law while at Penn?” No matter what you're worried about, we got you! The admissions office has sent us some commonly-asked questions from Penn students, and we’re gonna go ahead and answer them.

Q: Hey! Incoming student from 2027 here. What are the options for freshman year housing?

A: It could be a ton of places, like the Quad or some other stuff. BUT it’s important to note that if you’re interested in keeping to Maritime Law while at Penn, you’d have to be sure that quarters for crew members must be divided into staterooms none of which berths more than four members. Keep it in mind! Happy sailing :) ~Megan

Q: Hi guys, I’m a sophomore and I’m really concerned with Penn’s involvement in climate change. How can I make a difference?

A: Haha yeah totally. We are actually very climateneutral here in the Maritime Law office, so don’t come at us with that Greta Thimble stuff. It turns out that if the sea levels keep rising we will all be able to adhere to maritime law more often because even more of our world will be saltwater-based. ~Jett

Q: Heyo, student from Philly suburbs here. Can I bring my car to campus?

A: Car. Ah, that nasty little three letter word. A chuckle escapes me — apologies from Megan. Can’t say we’re so sure about ports for docking the old “automobile,” as we’ve been navigating Philadelphia by OGS (ocean-going ship) since we were secondsemester freshmen. And if you don’t know about ocean-going ships, well… I wish you luck. ~Megan

Q: Should I get the full or half meal plan?

A: So, at sea, there are no “meal plans.” Sometimes us seamen resort to real painful measures. I’ve heard of seamen eating leather, wood, raw fish, even other seamen. I once ate seamen’s stew for four nights straight in the middle of a wild sea-storm. I do not look upon those days fondly. At Penn, I would say that a half meal plan is plenty. There is lots of free oceanrelated food around campus if you look hard enough. My freshman year, I ate mostly oyster crackers from the free Wawa containers of condiments. ~Jett

Q: Hi, I’m super interested in joining groups at Penn. Any recommendations for cool clubs I could be a part of?

A: The question is, my dear boy, would you rather be cool? Or maybe — just maybe — would you rather be noble, engaging in a meaningful pursuit that puts you at harmony with one of nature’s elements, the water with which we find solitude and meaning? I think perhaps the latter, no? But if “cool” is your objective… go forth, be one of the plethora of students who join the IAA, or perhaps the “WHAMB.” But if you maybe yearn for something greater, come to the old elderberry tree by Schuylkill River. You’ll know it when you see it. We’re waiting for you, oars in hand. We always have been (text me when you get here) ~Megan

Q: I’m a senior who is absolutely fed up with the frat next door to me. They throw parties and run around their house naked in the night. Do you have any good ideas for waging war against next door?

A: Good question. One thing’s for sure: when it comes to nautical issues and private maritime disputes, we’ve got you covered. With respect to your neighbors, we suggest firing cannons starboard and having your mateys climb aboard with their sabers. If that doesn’t do the trick, get your most scurvy-ridden matey to bite the captain of the other house. ~Jett

Q: I’m a little confused, do I have to adhere to maritime law? Is that mandatory? Isn’t Penn on land?

A: We find this question incredibly upsetting.