SPRINT FOOTBALL

Calling all former high school football players and athletes!

The Penn Sprint football program is looking for athletes interested in the opportunity to play a varsity sport at the collegiate level. Penn Sprint Football is a full contact, 11 vs 11 football program that follows all the same rules used by the NCAA. The weight limit is 178 lbs, but players range between 150-190lbs between weigh ins during the season. Becoming a member of the Sprint Football program will allow you to become a member of a close knit team and develop great memories during your time here at Penn. If interested, please contact Head Coach Jerry McConnell at gerardm@upenn.edu or call (856)296-0381.

was weird or lame.

Dr. Crawford continued: “Over 95% of the student body was found to be 'totally down' to drink

‘F*ck That Ice B*tch’ Olaf Responds to Losing Commencement Speech Bid

‘Some people are worth melting for… but some people also need to get their act together and stop being petty as fuck...’ VIVIAN

Picture this: me, an astonishingly perceptive yet humble young woman with something to prove, sitting contemplatively on SEPTA Bus 1441 with Service to Center City. Next to me, a 3D animated snowman with a voice eerily similar to that of the Dog in “A Dog's Purpose” (film).

It was the day after the illustrious Idina Menzel was announced to be the University of Pennsylvania’s 2023 Commencement speaker. My elation could not be concealed upon hearing the news because I was waiting to hear about it for ages.

Turns out, not everyone was as elated as I. As I was sitting on the SEPTA Bus, minding my business, this a beer with 'the squad' all seven days a week, a mark unmatched by our other subjects.” The report included findings on hundreds of other schools, but was especially scathing towards the other Ivies. “They just don't seem to get it,” read the report, “Total tweakers.”

The gleaming first place ranking has been seen as the crowning achievement thus far in Liz Magill's fledgling presidency. While declining to speak publicly, the newly appointed leader offered a brief but powerful statement via IG story: “We are so back.”

Penn Admissions has been dealing with an inundating barrage of new applicants and phone calls since the news broke. Tour guides have been encouraged to pass around “thick Js” as they lead groups down Locust and emphasize how “nonfederal” Penn Police is. Beer funnels with Quaker insignia have been strategically positioned around campus so prospective students might catch a glimpse of a Natty Light's “total deletion” in between classes.

No one knows exactly why Penn won, but it's pretty evident when you look around. No one at the school ever discusses recruiting, finance, their 6 c.u.s, PURM applications, networking calls, coding assignments, casing challenges, or midterms. Perhaps that's why, as Crawford concluded, “vibes are crazy high.” fucking snowman turned towards me and started talking. He said a lot of things that I didn't remember, but the general gist of his rambling was that his name was Olaf, “I like warm hugs,” he went by he/him, and that he was kind of a pretty big deal. Obviously, I was annoyed, because why are you talking to me on the SEPTA Bus, also you’re not even real, so I responded with, okay, how are you even a big deal if I have no idea who you are dude?

At this point, Olaf started sobbing big, fat, and animated tears, and I felt kind of bad. Avoiding looking directly at his eyes and into the Void, I began a painfully reluctant conversation in an attempt to stop his crying. I asked him what he was doing in Philly, and apparently, my newly-minted snowman friend actually tried out to be the Commencement speaker! Super random, right, so I let Olaf know that I was a student at Penn, and I was a reporter for an important news outlet at the University, and if there was anything he'd like to speak on, I would gladly hear it.

Olaf did speak on a lot of things, including his upcoming projects in film and crypto, his tumultuous relationship with Elsa, and a vague indication of a substance addiction (Say it ain’t SNOW! It ain’t.). The thing is, I haven’t watched Frozen 2, so I didn’t really understand a lot of what he was saying. Over the groaning of SEPTA Bus, however, my audio recording did clearly pick up this snippet: “Some people are worth melting for…but some people also need to get their act together and stop being petty as fuck. Like if you have something to say–”

Olaf’s mouth suddenly melted into his body, and then his body melted onto the ground, and I checked my Weather app which said it was currently 56 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and then all that was left was a puddle of liquid on the floor of SEPTA 1441. A man wearing a cap with a huge bill got on at the next stop. He carefully stepped over the puddle, muttering, “always some nasty shit spilling on the SEPTA.” deemed too sexually explicit to feature in UTB. Oddly, Rebecca, Bailey, and Bill shared remarkably similar handwriting.

We spoke with Penn Dining Staff head Jim Beekman about what inspired Penn Dining Staff to start Penn Dining Staff Appreciation month.

“Day in and day out, we hear an overwhelming amount of positive feedback on our dining hall food. As

Penn Dining Staff, we just felt the need to channel that energy into Penn Dining Staff Appreciation Month.” you forget

When asked from whom the positive feedback originated, Beekman cited “the community.” I could not press for more details because it was around this time when some tilapia I had eaten at Hill had begun to come back up. UTB expresses their regrets for incomplete reporting.

Letter from the Editor

CHINESE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF | Daughter of Shanghai

The Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual joke issue has a long history, of which another chapter has been written today. Every year at about this time, tradition dictates that DP editors turn their usually proper paper into a playful parody. Although the DP used to publish a joke issue on or about April Fool’s Day, this issue is moved to the 52nd anniversary of the day on which China’s ping-pong team invited members of the U.S. team to China, thereby kicking off the ping-pong diplomacy era and the amelioration of the relation between the two nations.

On April 6th, 1971, nine players from the U.S. Table Tennis team took a historic trip to China, becoming the first delegation of Americans to visit the country in decades. Following the 1949 Chinese revolution, there had been no diplomatic ties, limited trade, and few contacts between the United States and the People’s Republic of China. This trip helped lay the groundwork for establishing official diplomatic relations between the United States and the People’s Republic of China. Ping-pong diplomacy also led to improve people-to-people understanding and cultural exchange.

The invitation extended to the U.S. team included not only the exhibition matches but banquets, entertainment, and tours of sights across the country as honored guests. The team visited some of China’s most famous landmarks, including the Forbidden City as well as the Great Wall of China.

This year is a meaningful one. We celebrated 5,001 years of Chinese civilization. The world reckoned with the undeniable verve and dynamism of this ancient yet vigorous nation. China boasts a swath of cultural wealth: Pandas. The Guilin mountains and rivers. My xiaoqu in Xuhui District (It’s like the Upper East Side of Shanghai). The terracotta army.

The Bund. Shanghai IFC Mall. The bar I was kicked out of in 2021. There are things in China that are Chinese. There are things outside China that are also Chinese. Look around you. Everywhere you see, genetically-engineered, efficient Chinese superstudents. China is a country in which many things have happened in the past and many other things will happen in the future. Guess what China’s GDP is. Just guess. Come on. Just because you aren’t

Chinese, doesn’t mean you can’t try your hand at China Math. Here’s a hint: it’s more than two.

You know the phrase POC? It actually stands for People of China. This was a finding from a research conducted by the Ginsburg-Sun Center for Judeo-Chinese Relations. With pleasure and pride, I hereby announce that the GSCJCR has received a historic amount of funding this Series A round and is projected by UNESCO to announce its IPO in Q1 of 2025. This will add to China’s GDP, making it even higher. I love China. I am China. China number one. China #1. China. China. China. Liwa Sun

LIWA SUN is a Chinese writer who hates when they mix memory and desire.

OP-ED: In My Defense, I Didn’t Do Anything Wrong

In my defense, I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m telling you, your honor, in my defense I didn’t do anything wrong! On god (hand on Bible) cross my heart (hope to die), I plead my case. You may know me as a rambunctious tyke who seldom writes for this publication. You may know me as someone who sets alarms at meetings so when they ring I can pretend it is a very important phone call and therefore I have an excuse to leave. You may even catch my cold gaze as I strut down Locust looking hauntingly beautiful with a dirty chai latte (with an extra shot of espresso please!) in hand, my Glossier balm dot com in another. You may know me as someone who doesn’t hold the door open for you at Commons because frankly, I don’t want to. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Sure, I kick people out of GSRs that I did not book. Maybe I left skid marks on your shoes while dancing in my 5 inch heels at Pike. Remember when Biotech blew the

UNBIASED fuck up? Yeah, that was me, I’ll admit it. God, sue me. And yes fine, I made the London Bridge fall down, but that was like, one fucking time. Get over it! I am but a hot Theta bombshell searching for more. Things just happen to me. And even if they didn’t and I did commit tax fraud and burned that building down and kicked all the puppies into the biopond that one time you can’t really blame me for the things I do because last month was Women’s History Month and I find the dearth of feminism here for me quite offensive, really.

I am living my truth. Eat, pray, love, whatever. I am real, I am alive. And one thing I know for certain is that I didn’t do anything wrong!

CATHY LI is a little petulant girl in a petulant world, life is plastic, it’s fantastic!

DESIGN BY BECKY LEE

| Among the decisive moves: a mass incendiary of all green to-go boxes and planning some of the is a home for them. Around a barbecue, they cook up meats from a farm outside of an industrial plant in Bucks County. They speak freely, the way discourse was shared back before Lincoln ever addressed the states with that proclamation. The only other time they get to do this is at the all parties debate, where they are the only party present.

Luckily, they post about all of their outings on their instagram so that if you’re missing out, you know it. A pre-game for Pike, where John (W ‘24) shares that welfare doesn’t make sense because he’s always fared well. A Red Flag party where Brent (W ‘25) flaunts his redflag: listening to Kanye and hating Jewish people. At a BYOB at Loco Pez, the club considers ordering something other than cheese quesadillas, and finally settles on plain tortilla chips. All this is great fun and leads to greater tolerance for people who look like them.

Campus life wouldn’t be the same without this group of movers and shakers. They’ve enacted a lot of social change since cementing themselves as a fixture on campus. Some of their decisive moves have been: a mass incendiary of all green to-go boxes, pushing the LGBT Center so far off campus that no directionally inept gay person can find it, crying outside of SHS (where they think abortions happen), and planning some of the best Ken’s BYOBs campus wide. What a beautiful, loving, accepting community.

Word on the street is that we are in a recession. As an intended Econ major, turned PPE major, turned International Relations major, I have little understanding of what this all means. But if there is one thing I learned from Luca Bossi and Anne Duchene, it’s that the economy is a cycle - a boom and bust cycle if you will. This means that occasionally times will be tough, but then times will be great.

A lot of my friends worry how the recession will impact their ability to pay their student loans and find a job. Others worry that their parents will get laid off. Here’s what I know: You can’t have good days without a few bad ones. That’s why I choose to embrace the boom and bust cycle. Stop fighting this economic downturn. Surrender to it. Heck, embrace it! Use it as an excuse for all your problems.

The impacts of the recession are evident in our everyday lives. For instance, I bet you have found yourself thinking ‘damn, remember when Halal was only $5’ as you pay $9 for

The Mirrors in DRL Remind Me I Belong There

your chicken and rice. But just believe that in some period of time that we cannot predict right now, someone just like you will be smiling and thinking ‘damn, remember when Halal was $9’ as they pay $5 for their chicken and rice. The economy is a cycle and I think that is just beautiful.

Inflation, interest rates, taxes. These are all just words. So the next time your parent shuts off Fox News in anger about the current political and economic state of the world, or your roommate complains that they can’t find a job, just remember: recession this, recession that: in the end networking always prevails.

MAN IN STEM, STEM IN MAN | As I hobbled down the hallway, I took a quick glance to my left and saw my reflection

It was Monday, 8:26 a.m. After two days and two nights and two full breakdowns, I finished my seventh complex analysis problem set of the semester. All that was left to do was reach the end of the mirror lined hallways of DRL and slip my tear crusted papers under my professor’s door before the 8:30 AM deadline.

As I hobbled down the hallway, I took a quick glance to my left and saw my reflection.

My cheeks were hollow, but not in a "trendy, Bella-Hadid-esque, buccal fat incineration" way, but in a "tapeworm that stayed with me from a Cancun spring break when I booked a $150 non-refundable massage at a hotel that closed down 4 years prior and then decided to turn my spirits around by getting sushi except the really good Yelp reviews were fake and the tuna ended up giving me nerve damage and taking up my $400 Penn Insurance deductible in the process" way.

My shirt had an interesting element, but not in a "$40 asymmetrical Zara crop top that gets weekly compliments" way, but in a "highly suspicious, rogue CeraVe squirt in the center of my chest that I haven’t noticed all day" way.

My eye bags were heavy, but not in a "TikTok peddled self-love, y2k-emo resurgence, disinterested vogue raccoon vibe, GenZ 'I am above this' aesthetic" way, but in a "second and third ball sack swinging between my legs and tripping me up" way.

My hair was slicked back, but not in a "James Bond-themed champagne and shackles" way, but in a "my shower is flooding with sewage and my landlord hasn’t responded to my texts so I haven’t taken a shower in 10 days and my pillows have grease stains and a vicious scalp scent follows me everywhere I go" way.

People behind me were zooming in the background to get to class, but not in an "Ivy-league, bustling academia, 'let’s grab lunch,' workhard play-hard" way, but in an "it’s 8 a.m. and DRL is empty and my freshman year acid trip induced schizophrenia is acting up because I haven’t slept in 3 weeks and I am imagining people behind me" way.

I was slouching, but not in an "ultra-skinny 'broken rag doll' model selling oversized Saint Laurent 1999 resort wear" way, but in a "rat gremlin, anti-vax polio induced scoliosis, 50% neanderthal genetics uncovered via 23 and me" way. Once again, the mirrors in DRL reminded me I belong there.

SIMON OROS is a second generation faggot who voted for Trump at most twice.