你好,こんにちは: Meet the White People at Bento

Quiz: Are You Racist or Just European?

These days, racism is a heated topic of conversation, and people are being held accountable more than ever for their problematic views. That’s why it’s so important for white people to determine exactly who is allowed to be racist. Or, in other words, who is racist and who is just Europeanx.

Take this quiz to find out what you are. Pick the response that best characterizes you:

1) What was your legal name last time you used the n-word?

(a) I don’t use the n-word?

(b) Jeff

(c) Javier Jose Mourinho Sanchez Fernandez Maximilian of Madrid, Spain, 5th Imperial District of King Philip IV

Harry Styles (M, 28, 6’)

Hometown: Somewhere British

Major: Individualized major in British Studies with a minor in Gender, Penn in London Program Alum

Characteristics: Stands fine in a line. Don't worry! Often SABS at the front of the line calling everyone darling

Bento Box A: Gyoza that he calls tea pockets, beans on milk toast, tempura, edaMAMEEE, chicken toryaki

Side Order: Philly Cheese Steak Bao because he is queer

Campus Affiliations: Fayjay, 34th Street Editor in Chief, DISC, Harrison College House Director

Preferred Method of Payment: Throwing sweaty bras at man cutting salmon

Wasian Americana (F, Ageless, 5'3)

Mitski and Japanese Breakfast tried acquiring Bento in 2020, after arriving on campus. They were unsuccessful. Here are their stories.

Hometowns: Asia and East Asia

Order: Japanese Breakfast and Dim Sum and Dumplings to Cry Into and Kimchi and a few beers (for one - Mitski eats almond croissants from WilCaf)

Order total: 328 dining dollars

Preferred Method of Payment: Pennsylvania College Consortium Dining Dollars (see Bryn Mawr, Swarthmore, and Penn State)

Aperitif: Laxatives

Appearances: Wasian on Locust

Taylor Swift (F, 32, 5'11)

Standing behind Harry Styles, because behind every great man is a great woman <3

Frequently holding her gal pal Karli’s Kloss’ hand in line

Hometown: The most evangelical part of Tennessee.

Hinge Bio: Red lipstick all over her Dasani water, she buys a dasani water everyday because climate change and AIDS don’t apply to white women. Relatable girl who had a pimple in 10th grade. Proactiv, look what U(TB) made me do

Campus Affiliations: Theta (duh). Got rejected twice from UTB. Trying out for video next semester. Disney Acapella. Thinks that joking about hookups in Huntsman GSR is funny.

Order: Rainbow Roll because she loves all fish

Olivia Jade (F, 23, 5'4)

Comes to Bento after finishing tour with Kite and Key. Convinced she doesn’t want to put her money on our sailing team. Also comes to Bento because she needs to meet her philanthropy cap of the month.

Fun fact: Cannot spell “the patriarchy” even if you pointed a gun at her Soft Skills: Sitting still, texting, communication (seeking career in this field)

GPA: 4.0!

SAT score: 1600!

AP scores (all): 5!

Political Alignment: Supports Roe v. Wade.

Preferred Method of Payment: Facetune Premium

? (M, ?, ?) (Stands in line with a cigarette in his mouth because you put the thing that does the killing in between your teeth…)

If you don’t know, for shame. Stares at Asian man. Leaves. Fin. Wishes they had hookahs.

2) What makes you feel justified in using the n-word?

(a) Again, unless you mean “nice,” I don’t use the n-word. *laughs at own joke*

(b) If they can sing it in a song, I can hurl it at them when they accidentally bump into me in line at Starbucks.

(c) What else would I have chanted during the Spain-Morocco World Cup match?

3) How do you feel about Mexican people?

(a) I frequent this family-owned barrio in my neighborhood. It’s called Qdoba I think?

(b) Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall.

(c) We raped and pillaged the Aztecs long ago. Mexicans are the living sign of our dominance.

4) Do you support immigrants entering the United States from south of the border?

(a) I have a family of 12 Haitians living in my grandmother’s basement.

(b) Yes, but only if it’s a Latina woman aged 18 to 25.

(c) Yes, but only if it’s my grandfather or any other former Nazi living in Argentina (or a Latina woman age 18 to 29).

5) That’s a good transition to Jewish people. Should Israel exist?

(a) No. Israel is an apartheid state and the oppressor of the Palestinian people (I think? Maybe? I don’t even know who I’m supposed to support on this one?)

(b) Yeah I always find, yeah I always find, something wrong! You’ve been putting up with my shit for way too long!

(c) Yes, but they should be a colony of Spain with a strictly mercantilist trade system and no human rights (along with every state in Africa, Asia, the Middle East, Central and South America, and Eastern Europe).

Mystery Woman? (F, About 39, ?)

For those who don’t know, Justine Sacco. Waits in line behind Taylor Swift but collapses into a pile every five minutes because she had a few too many val’s.

Hometown: Somewhere without AIDS

Dream Alternative Career Path: Preaching malaria out of dying children, no sage involved

Order: Pretzels and Dr. Pepper

Preferred Method of Payment: Frequent flier United Gold Credit Card, (she flies first before the veterans)

七輪 (F, 29, 5’) 这是 Ariana G。她喜欢吃烤猪肉。虽然 Ariana 看起来像一位普通的华人，但是她真正的种族是 白种族, yuh。

Order: 寿司

Education: 北京大学 Eats without rolling her sleeves up

Genghis Khan (M, M, M)

Daddy, sorry sorry, daddy?

Major: Penn Global Writing Seminar in Mongolia

Order: Dasani Water, Mongolian Beef

Preferred Method of Payment: One of his wives

What the fuck: Asked my mother if she was at Smokes at 2 a.m. on a Monday

Now check your results!

Mostly a’s: You made us a little uncomfortable, but you’re probably clean.

Mostly b’s: You are despicably racist.

Mostly c’s: You are a European. It’s your culture. Continue with business as usual.

DESIGN BY RIYA NANDAKUMAR

How Fast Can My Friend Carey Drink Water?

MAYA KREGER AND CAREY SALVIN

Writing Curious STEM Students

Abstract:

In this paper, which is soon to be published in Nature, we seek to answer the question: How fast can my friend Carey Salvin drink water? Through conclusive tests of Ms. Salvin drinking water, we measured, with impeccable accuracy, the speed at which Ms. Salvin could drink various glasses of water. Our conclusion was that yes, Ms. Salvin, is able to drink water, and at a pretty good speed at that.

Introduction:

On average, one requires an adequate amount of water everyday. To do this, one must drink several such glasses of water throughout the day to be properly hydrated. Hydration is defined as the state of being hydrated, holding enough water within one’s earthly body. Without this vital “juice of life,” many side effects may be found such as lack of color in one’s face and sudden death. Since both of these consequences are equally undesirable, as the literature shows, people tend to drink enough water to continue. There have been many such studies on the level of hydration within communities, but not about the rate in which my friend, Carey Vanessa Salvin, can drink said water. Our null hypothesis is that Ms. Salvin cannot drink water at a fast rate.

Methods:

From the period of time between October 28, 2022 and January 27, 2023, Carey Vanessa Salvin, the subject of this extensive study, drank glasses of water. While Maya Kreger timed Ms. Salvin on her iPhone 13 Pro Max, Ms. Salvin drank that water. And she drank it fast. Upon finishing each glass of water, the duration was recorded in a “Notes App” page entitled “Carey’s Drinking Record.” A photo was taken with the iPhone in the left hand, cup in the right. For the sake of simplicity, variables such as size of cup, temperature of water, ice, emotional state, and current level of hydration were omitted.

Results:

On average, Ms. Salvin drank water in 6.22 seconds, with a variance of 7.2 seconds and a standard deviation of 2.69 seconds. With 33 trials, the effective population size has significance with N>30. In Fig. 1, we analyzed the speed vs. date and drew some very important conclusions such as the following. On 11/17/22, a local extrema of 12.61 seconds was reached. A global extrema was located on 1/21/23, with a speed of 14.51 seconds. One may wonder what happened on such dates. Fig.2 reveals the true data that was drawn from this study: in 17 distinct locations Ms. Salvin consumed water. This was truly shocking and much against our null hypothesis: Ms. Salvin cannot drink water at a fast rate. Not only did she drink water, she drank water at 17 locations, from the Mask and Wig Clubhouse to Pulse Night Club. Fig. 3 also makes references to locations with it being a map and all. On a scale of light purple to dark purple, the density of time spent drunk in different locations is presented. This strongly implies that the location of imbibement affected the rate at which the drink was drunk. This has shocking implications for, like, the future and, like, all the people. Damn. Fig. 4 explores the different variables that were explored in our exploration. Variables such as New Jersey, Night Club, and ice seem to have incredible affects on Ms. Salvin’s rate of drinking. Overall, grand conclusions seem to be drawn and our null hypothesis was rejected with statistical significance.