Study Shows ED Accepted

Students Could Have Gotten Into Harvard Had They Wanted To

They apply ED because they want to, not because they’re nervous they won’t get in elsewhere

BENJI ELKINS Mouth-breather

In a complicated world such as this one, sometimes evil wins. In a recent study conducted by the Penn Legacies For Legacies Association (PLFLA), researchers concluded that almost all early decision admitted students could have gotten into any other school if they had wanted to. Researchers also confirmed that your annoying freshman year roommate could have gotten into Harvard after all. “We found that students apply early decision to Penn because they just absolutely love the campus, recognize the quality of the education, or simply want to recreate their fathers' experience from the 90s,” head researcher Laura McMoira said. “They apply ED because they want to, not because they’re nervous they won’t get in elsewhere or they recognize that the acceptance rate is almost twice the regular decision numbers. That absolutely does not factor in.”

Penn’s community rejoiced at the news that ED students could have gotten in elsewhere and thus are superior as per U.S. News & World Report criteria. “It just feels vindicating knowing I’m one of the smartest here,” said College sophomore Ben Reiser. Reiser, whose parents both went to Penn and now work here as professors, was admitted based on sheer merit–a merit much larger and bigger than the merit of regular decision admitted students.

In response to these findings, the University will begin holding weekly “thank you” panels in which early decision accepted students will be celebrated by administrative faculty with words of encouragement and ego-boosting. In tandem with these panels, CAPS will also be hosting grief counseling sessions for regular admission students who were rejected by Princeton University.

At press time, a number of Penn faculty members were reportedly seen hosting a symposium for oncedeferred or waitlisted admits in which they reminded them which students they were allowed to talk to or look in the eyes.

Girl Platonically Has Sex With Other Girl and Calls Her ‘Love of My Life’

Platonic lesbian sex is real, I swear

TANA CUTURELA Bi-curious Petite Baby Girl

No, we’re totally friends. Yeah, we’re like really good friends. How could we not be? Yeah, I sometimes slip in between her legs, but what about it? That doesn’t make it gay if I don’t think it’s gay. You catching my drift? Oh, yeah, I usually