Liz Magill Proposes Motion to Ban All Greek Life After Getting Dropped From Tri Delta

The bruised ego of Penn’s ninth president may wreak havoc on the social life of Greek-life-enjoyers across campus

MOLLIE BENN

Dr. Love

Every January, hundreds of Penn’s freshman and sophomore women enter the sorority rush process. For about a week, girls are seen walking from house to house, event to event, sister to sister, dressed in their best clothes, looking for the community of women who will love and accept them for the remainder of their time at Penn as well as the rest of their lives. In her first year at Penn, University President Liz Magill was searching for a similar community to affiliate herself with. Like many other first-years, she was struggling to get a full grasp of the Penn culture. In order to fully integrate herself into Penn, she believed it necessary to participate in this important Penn event.

Going into rush, President Magill knew a few things about what she wanted her time at Penn to look like and what she would have to do to achieve the status necessary for effective rule of Penn's student body. Firstly, she would have to get into a sorority which would provide enough social clout to garner esteem and demand respect from the student body. Secondly, she would need to get a bid from a sorority with a cute or aesthetic name so it would look good in her Instagram bio right under “Ninth President of the University of Pennsylvania. Thirdly, she would have to get her top choice, or it would reflect poorly on her ability to succeed at Penn. She decided that her best option was ΔΔΔ (Tri Delta or Delta Delta Delta) because they seemed like a fun group of amazing women and she found that the three triangles looked really nice under her name on her email signature.

President Magill “preffed” Tri Delta the whole way through rush. She formed connections with every girl she met and made sure to look her best every time she stepped foot in “chouse.” She eventually made it to the final round. Her final options were Sigma Kappa and Tri Delta. She decided to “suicide bid” Tri Delta.

A rush process that began with so much hope and prospects for Liz Magill ended in sadness and dismay as she was dropped from Tri Delta on bid day. All the plans the president had made to build up her social status and validity as the new president were now ruined as she was left sororityless. It has now been two months since the incident, and the consequences for it are soon to be felt all over campus.

After getting dropped, President Magill devised a new plan to enact revenge on those who put the kibosh on her chances of achieving greatness within Penn’s Greek life. Her revenge? To terminate Greek life completely. Earlier this week, President Magill submitted a statement along with her official proposal to ban Greek life from Penn’s campus to the Board of Trustees. The proposal was immediately met with confusion and anger from the Board (many of whom have Tri Delta women for daughters) as well as students who saw a leaked version of the document circulating on Sidechat.

In the proposal, President Magil stated that, “the University should no longer stand behind organizations which wrongfully perpetuate communities of exclusion and elitism” and even alluded to her sorority rejection by saying, “I have experienced first-hand the despair that comes with being excluded from groups such as these #fucktridelta.” date men. It’s just easier. I’ve always gotten along with men better. It’s like the man-woman yinyang energetic match that really gets me going. But I do love having fun with my girlfriends, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t be where I am without them. And the thing is, it’s important to be open and flexible with your sexuality. If some guy flakes on me at a date night, there’s always a pair of legs to comfort me later that night – and that changes everything! I just take the elevator to the 14th floor in Harrison, shed a few tears in the 2x2 bathroom and then channel all that loaded male hatred into something positive. I like to think of women as outlets. Outlets for rage, for pain, but also for pleasure. And you know what they say about not sticking a metal item into an outlet? That’s why I usually go for silicon. It’s just smoother.

The future of Greek life at Penn is uncertain for now but students have already begun to worry about what the potential ban will mean for the future of the social scene at Penn. If there is no more official Greek life, who will throw darties for Spring Fling?

Anyway, the only caveat I see in all of this is that sometimes one of my girlfriends turns out to be gay and then it gets really messy really quick. Whenever female emotions and female jealousy unleash, it’s harder to let the no-strings-attached love flow. It’s been really hard for me in the past. I’ve struggled with it a lot. Just operate like men do, you know? I don’t believe true equality is achievable as long as we hold women to different standards than men. Like, why can men have sex with a bunch of different girls and I can’t? I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Especially since I’ve been getting down and dirty with one of my closest friends recurrently. She’s always been super chill, laid back, good vibes, doesn’t take anything to heart. We have a sort of bromance going on, you could say. But ever since I dropped the L bomb during one of our steamier sessions, she’s been acting weird. She wants to talk. She wants to feel “committed to” and “perceived as a human being.” Anyway, I asked if I could still hit it from time to time. She said that’s disrespectful of me to ask and that she’s more than just a body. I assured her that I see her as more than that. She let me hit again after so I guess we’re all good now. But yeah, platonic sex between women is definitely possible. It takes a bit of sorting things out and talking about boundaries and stuff, but as long as you keep things casual and nonsentimental, it works! And, again, if you think about it, it’s really good practice for sexy time with men.