April 2023: One Among Many. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

One Among Many

A B etter Way

Fear, doubt, and insecurit y. If someone had onl y told me that wa s what I strug gled to cope with when I wa s grow ing up and into young adulthood , it would have s aved me a lot of p a in. As f a r b ack a s I c a n rememb er, I had a n x i et y issues. I wa s raised in a working-cla ss home w ith three sisters. My p a rent s to ok us to church e ach Sund ay morning , Sund ay e vening , Wed nesd ay e vening , a nd w hene ver there were e vent s. Don’t get me w rong ; I love the church to this day, but it d idn’t cure my fear, doubt, and insecurit y. It wa s not unti l I came to FA that I found my cure.

As the oldest daughter of four, I don’t rememb er ver y much except for things revolv ing around food When I w a s t wo or three, we took a trip from our home in Onta r i o, Ca nad a dow n to Tennessee to v isit f a mi l y. My onl y memor i es a re of a l a rge suga r pro d uct a nd d inos aurs. In g rade three, I thre w up a er stu ng myself w ith t re at s at a b a z a a r My mom, seeing I w a s nauseated, had me go to the car and wait it out. I thre w up in a b a g in the c a r, but st ra ngel y, I sti l l w a nted more fo o d e ven thoug h my stomach w a s upset. Fo o d a l-

ways got my attention.

Around a ge 10 or 11, I struggled with upsetting emotions over s w itching to a ne w school and getting bullied a lot in grade six, but I also went through sexual abuse. I d id not know how to cope with it all alone, and I d i d not know how to ta l k ab out it, so I stu ed those feel ings dow n w ith food.

When I got te a sed in g rade ei g ht for being chubby, I went to our fami l y doctor. He gave me a calorie counting booklet and I star ted tracking my calories. at yel low booklet a l so l isted the c a lories burned by d i erent acti v iti es, so I sta r ted keeping a d i a r y that incl uded the c a lor i es I ate a nd the calories I burned. I lost some weight yet remained on the plump side.

I bel ieve that, a s a conf used and hur ting teena ge girl, I wa s coping by tr ying to control my environment and my persona. I was great at people-pleasing, though I had been taug ht the va l ue of b eing a Go d-ple a ser rather tha n a p eople-ple a ser. I thoug ht I w a s doing w hat e ver yone w a nted , a nd I d idn’t real ize that it wa s fear, doubt, and insecur it y d r i v ing me to fo o d or a nything for rel ief.

My doctor gave me d iet pi l ls w hen I wa s

17. ese a mpheta mines, or sp eed , gave me great control and I lost a lot of weight.

I loved the feel ing of p ower I had w hen I w a s on them, but I a m g l ad it w a s shor tl ived, a s a fami l y friend soon real ized w hat I wa s taking and said something.

I’m a sha med to s ay that I stole mone y from my mom ’ s purse or my d ad’s dresser to get junk fo o d f rom the corner store. I a l so snuck dow n to the b a sement to e at b a ked go o d s f rom conta iners in the freezer that were supposed to be kept for special hol idays. is b ehav i or b ec a me a habit that fed my add i cti on to our a nd sugar.

Later, as a single young woman in my thirties longing for a rmation, I got add icted to expl i cit convers ati ons in onl ine chat rooms, and I had a fe w fool ish and dangerous meet-ups. ank you God, I w a s able to get go o d counsel ing a nd stopp ed. Yet even now I keep my onl ine social med ia to a minimum.

Al l through my thirties and forties I went on d i et s. I t r i ed commerci a l d i et s a fe w times, g ym memberships, binge eating d isorder cl inics, counsel ing , and therapy. Al l that happened wa s a rol ler coa ster of yo-yo d i eting. Howe ver, a some w hat successf ul

stint on a par ticular commercial d iet and a personal trainer got me dow n from almost 260 pounds to just under 200. During that time, I met a wonderf ul, kind man who bec a me my husb a nd. oug h I loved him de a r l y, I had not yet le a rned how to de a l w ith my fe a r, doubt, a nd insecur it y. I thought I could cope by control l ing ever yone and ever y thing around me. I chuckle now w hen I think b ack on a l l the a rg ument s we had over going out to e at. O f course, I w a nted to and my bud get-conscious hubby did not. Neither of us understood the other and I had so much resentment tow a rd s him. How d id I cope? By going out to eat w ith friends from work.

When my son c a me a long , there were ma ny opp or tuniti es to meet up w ith friends who had children. Mall food courts, fast food playlands, and drive-throughs became the norm. e other routine wa s late ni g ht e ating . A er my son went to b ed , even a s his bedtime got later, I found ways to be alone w ith the our and sugar products I wa s hid ing from my fami l y.

In 2011, at 307 p ound s, I noti ced a woman I kne w from work losing a bunch of wei g ht, a nd she told me ab out FA . I

I needed my fellows, the tools of FA, and this spiritual program to truly live.

went to a meeting w ith her a nd found a sp onsor r i g ht aw ay. I would love to s ay it ha s been “happi l y e ver a er, ” but I w a s focused mostl y on wei g ht loss at that time, a nd I got in my ow n w ay by customizing how I d id the program. I had abstinence for over a ye a r but I w a s not b eing honest, op en-minded , or w i l ling A er a fe w ro cky ye a rs of st r ug g le, e ven thoug h I had lost 125 pounds, I le in a hu

During the four years I w a s out of FA, I ga ined a l most 200 pound s. My world bec a me sma l ler a s I b ecame larger My 5-foot, 2-inch frame had many aches a nd p a ins a s I st r ug g led to keep up w ith l i fe. Doing the b a re minimum, I sta r ted to s ay no to scho ol e vent s a nd o en a rra nged for my son to go to things w ith my husband or another fami l y. I hard l y had any fri end s and my relationship with my husband was at an a l l-time low I just kept stu ng dow n my

feel ings w ith junk food I d idn’t even want to eat. Many d ays, I went throug h t wo or three d r i ve-throug h restaura nt s a nd had food hidden around the house.

I stopp ed ta king c a re of myself a nd my appearance. I avoi ded doctors and ended up w ith severe sleep apnea. I also had terrible edema in my ankles and legs I’m sure I

MEREDITH M , ME

wa s a breath away from d iabetes, stroke, or hear t fai lure. Depression and anxiet y went ha nd-in-ha nd w ith my fo o d add i cti on. It w a s nothing to stay up at ni g ht e ating by myself unti l 2:00 a.m. I wa s hur ting myself w ith fo o d , a nd I d i d not c a re. I could n ’ t stop. en came a pandemic in 2020. I was content to isolate myself in lockdow n due to Cov id. My world wa s so smal l; I wa s alread y in my ow n lockdow n.

In October 2020, one of my sisters mentioned that she was thinking of starting FA . I am so thankf ul, because that became the imp etus that got me b ack into recover y. My add i ct bra in had kept me in a fo g of “stinking thinking , ” but suddenl y there wa s hope. I went to the FA website and d iscovered that there were FA v i deoconference gatherings. Going to those meetings wa s a breath of fresh air. I expected humi l iation, but e ver yone w a s w a rm a nd f r i end l y. I kne w then that my f ac ade of cont rol w a s not hel ping me. I needed my fel lows, the tool s of FA, and this spiritua l program to tr ul y l ive. Any wal ls of resentment melted a s I surrendered w ith ne w clarit y to the real it y that my l ife wa s unmana geable, and I wa s powerless over food. Now, because of this program, my fami l y l ife is better and I have found a deeper connecti on w ith my Hig her Power. I now have a better w ay to cope w ith l ife.

Chri stine P., Ontario, Canad a

Twelve Traditions

Our common welfare should come rst; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

Each group should be autonomous except in matters a ecting other groups or FA as a whole. Each group has but one primary purpose –to carry its message to the food addict who still su ers.

An FA group ought never endorse, nance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and lms.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

1.

2.

3.

4.

5. 6.

7.

8.

Point of No R eturn

During a morning conversation w ith my sponsor, she a sked in trepidation if I had broken my abstinence. It wa s during the hol idays, and a couple of her sponsees were struggling.

I assured her that I wa s gratef ul l y abstinent and that all was wel l. I shared that I felt I had crossed the point of no return, that I had more to lose by breaking than I had to gain by returning to my add iction. Although I am acutel y aware that we are al l one bite away from breaking at any moment, I felt I had reached the point in the program w hen the bene ts far outweighed the del ights of our, sugar, and quantities.

When did the point of no return happen in this food addict’s life? I believe my journey began by making the tools a habit: getting

on my knees in the morning , hav ing quiet time, eating committed and mea sured meals, making outreach cal ls, attend ing three meetings a week, read ing l iterature, writing, and getting on my knees at night. I got closer to the noturning-back point when I hit the 90 days of abstinence mi lestone. At that juncture, I was able to lead and qual if y at meetings, take on ser v ice positions, and speak during business meetings. I became more accountable to my sponsor, my fellows, and myself. I had more to lose if I broke at this sta ge. I would risk letting others down and losing all of my progress.

At this point, I also began to see God’s 99 percent in conjunction with my meager one percent. I began to make a life out of my new way of eating and l iv ing. e FA way became a habit, no longer dr ud ger y or a l ife

ANNA B , NM

sentence. It became a bridge to my true identit y, to self-discipline, and to self-respect. At the point of no return, my adult voice grew louder than my immature addiction voice. I thought about the consequences of breaking and no longer romanticized my old way of eating and abusing food. I started counting the costs if I ate. I thought about who I would harm by breaking, especially myself. I no longer mourned the foods I could never eat again; I accepted that my brain does not f unction well on our, sugar, or quantities. My brain and my l ife thrive w hen I make self-care the norm rather than the exception.

It is d i cult to a scer tain w hen I stepped over the threshold of that point of no return, but if I manage to get there, the journey forward is a rosy one. ere is hope and serenit y, and when life does not a ord me that serenit y or hope, I am quick to evaluate my life, actions, and relationships. I am quick to w rite dow n my emotions, to consider the facts, to bounce ideas o of my sponsor, and to share my musings and troubles with another fellow.

Peace and right actions feel normal to me now. Self-control and mature behavior feel appropriate. at is the joy of the point of no return; that acceptance brought me unfathomable bene ts more than any our or sugar product ever could provide.

Sher yn N., California, US

We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our a airs.

1.

2.

3. 4.

5. 6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

A Deep er Understand ing

My b o y f r i en d a n d I wen t o n v ac ation to Mex ico to celebrate h i s b i r t h d a y, a s w e l l a s to e n j o y o u r g ro w i n g re l a t i o n s h i p. My p r im a r y i n te n t i o n f o r t h e e xc i t i n g e x p e r ie n c e w a s to r e m a i n a b s t i n e n t . I t r u l y bel i e ve that e ver y thing fa l l s into pl ace, accord ing to God’s w i l l , w hen I’m abstinent.

T h e a l l - i n c l u s i v e r e s o r t h a d p l e n t y o f r e s t a u r a n t s a s w e l l a s a b u f f e t t h a t h a d

e v e r y t h i n g I n e e d e d to s t a y a b s t i n e n t .

T h e c h a l l e n g e w a s t h a t m y b o y f r i e n d

w a n te d to e x p l o r e t h e d i f f e r e n t r e s t a u -

r a n t s , b u t I n e e d e d to d i n e w h e r e t h e r e

w e r e s i m p l e , a b s t i n e n t m e a l s . I t a p p e d

i n to t h e c o u r a g e to a d v o c a te f o r my s e l f

w h i l e b e i n g m i n d f u l o f h i s n e e d s. I a s k e d Go d for hel p, a nd it b ec a me cle a r that for t h e r e m a i n d e r o f t h e t r i p, I w o u l d h a v e t h e m o s t p e a ce o f m i n d e at i n g at t h e b u ff et . We ate t wo m e a l s to g et h er e a c h d ay b u t c h o s e to e a t d i n n e r s e p a r a te l y b ec aus e i t m et b o t h o f o u r n e e d s b et ter. We met up af ter d inner a nd enjoyed our time together e ven more. It felt l i ke my Hig her Po wer to o k o v er t h e en t i re t r i p i n a b e aut i f u l , m a g i c a l w a y w h en my p r i o r i t y w a s to s t ay a b s t i n en t . I re a l l y f e l t s u p p o r te d b y my b o y f r i en d o n e d ay w h en we were l e av i n g t h e re s o r t

f o r a n e xc u r s i o n . He a s k e d m e i f I h a d p a c k e d my a b s t i n en t f o o d . He k n e w w e wo u l d b e aw ay f o r a g o o d p a r t o f t h e d ay a n d w a s m i n d f u l o f my d e s i re to rem a i n a b s t i n en t . It o cc u r re d to m e t h at w h en I t a k e c a r e o f m y s e l f, G o d t a k e s c a r e o f e v er y t h i n g e l s e. T h i s t r i p w a s a g r e a t t u r n i n g p o i n t i n o u r re l at i o ns h i p. We l e a r n e d a l o t a b o u t e a c h o t h e r, e n j o y e d e a c h o t h e r ’ s c o mp a ny, a n d c a m e to a d e e p er u n d er s t a n di n g o f o n e a n o t h e r. I d i s c o v e re d t h a t h e l o v e s to wo r k o u t , s o we wen t to t h e g y m a n d w e n t r u n n i n g , e v e n w h i l e o n v a c at i o n . To b e h o n e s t , I w o n d e r e d w h y w e h a d to e xe r c i s e w h i l e o n v a c a t i o n , b u t I d e c i d e d to b e a te a m p l a y e r. I ’ m s u re h e w o n d e r e d w h y I h a d to e a t a b s t i n e n t l y w hi le on vac ati on, but he resp ected it a nd e v en a d v o c ate d f o r i t . Th ere a p p e a re d to b e a n u nsp o k en u n d er s t a n d i n g b et we en us a n d t h e i m p o r t a n ce o f o u r i n d i v i d u a l w ay s o f l i f e , n o m at ter t h e c i rc u ms t a n ce s. To d a y, m y b o y f r i e n d h a s a b e a u t i f u l r esp ect for my abstinence, a nd I resp ect the p r i o r i t y h e p u t s o n d a i l y e xe r c i s e . I ’ m t r u l y g r a te f u l f o r t h i s u n d er s t a n d i n g b et we en us , t h a n k s to o u r b e au t i f u l e x p er ien ce i n Me x i co.

Ja n a e M . , Ge o rg ia , U S

Step By Step

Iloved going to camp because it was an escape from the mean girls at school, and I could be with people I loved and who loved me back. Growing up, I spent most of my summers at a camp. e friends I made there are still a part of my life, even though we are now in our forties and scattered al l over the countr y. Although I am grateful for the camp experience, I look back and see how my food addiction was ever present. As older campers and counselors, we would take prepared food from the kitchen at night, once even eating a young camper ’ s birthday treat! I felt completely entitled to help myself, never thinking I was stealing or causing hardship to the kitchen sta .

I could have spent my time horseback riding, mountain biking, rock climbing, hiking, and more. However, in nine years, I took one horseback riding lesson, went on one bike ride, climbed one rock, and did zero hiking. I hated being uncomfortable, which included being red-faced, hot, and sweat y. I stuck to canoeing and swimming because I was good at it, and I could always take a dip in the water. Rock climbing meant wearing a harness that pinched my thighs. I saw that the harness belt would wrap around the other girls’ waists multiple times, but I was always embarrased of how I could only get it

around mine once. I have since real ized I never wanted to be a beginner or spend time honing my skills. I thought a person was born with a gene that made them good at things. If you didn’t have it, you didn’t have it.

ose camp friends t ypical l y plan a girls trip ever y year. I have never been able to join for various reasons. e ight was too expensive, there was a con ict, or it was a bad time of year. Deep down, I kne w I used those things as excuses. I was scared of living my abstinent life in front of them. I no longer drink. I don’t sit around eating snack foods. I don’t l ike to gossip. And I’m no longer the 200pound friend some of them remember.

When I was asked to join the group at an upcoming get together, I realized I had no excuses. e ight was inexpensive, it was a great time of year, and I no longer cared what anyone thought about my recover y, my bod y, or my way of l iving. Luckil y, what I found when I got there was a large group of people with di erent interests. Some people wanted to drink, some to sleep, others wanted spa treatments, and some wanted to be active. Like attracts like, and I found people who practiced healthy l iving. When a group said they wanted to wake up early the next morning to hike the local mountain, I jumped at the chance. I had never done it,

and it sounded like a great way to start the day.

As I started hiking, I kept thanking God. I was thin, and while I’m hardly an athlete, I was not out of breath, gasping for air, or rubbing my chafed thighs. Still, it was hard. is was not a stroll in the woods. It was a full- edged climb! Just as we live our program ever y day, I real ized the way to make the cl imb simple was to focus on the next stone, the next foot hold, the next step, and the next resting place. I would become overwhelmed and tired, thinking of how much farther I had to go if I looked all the way up. I asked for help. When I needed to stop, I asked for a break, and when others needed to stop, I gladly sat and relaxed with them.

When we got to the top, we took pictures, elated by what we had accompl ished. I thanked God over and over a gain. I hadn’t chosen to drink by the pool. I didn’t let my feelings get hurt and eat over them. I didn’t say I was too tired or that it was a dumb idea.

I wasn ’ t the slowest person. I did it! I didn’t back out. I kept up and enjoyed myself. What I wasn ’ t prepared for was how hard the trek back down would be. I used the same principles to guide me. If I looked all the way down, I would lose my balance and my fear of heights would kick in. If I just kept looking a few feet in front of me, I could take it one step at a time. Just l ike l ife! If I look at al l my problems or the state of the world, I can quickl y be o v er w h e l m e d . If I stay in the day and ask God for help, I can see the path through it. I am grateful I have been able to have many second chances at life, thanks to FA . I can ’ t go back in time and change who I was as a camper, but I can change who I am now. I tried something new. It was hard and I loved ever y minute of it. God showed me I could take the same concept we tal k about ever y day do the next right action, one day at a time, or l iteral l y, one step at a time.

Grace V., Iowa, US

ROBYN M , NY

Stumbl ing Blo c k

When I came into FA 12 years ago, I was petri ed of being at the front of the room. I w a s not comfortable being a public speaker, not just because of my weight, but because I had been labeled a remed ial reader since rst grade. Ever y time we read out loud from our textbooks in class, I was overcome by a wave of fear. e more ner vous I got, the worse I seemed to do. It was a cruel irony that I could read si lentl y but my tong ue would grow thick and my mind would process slowly w hen a sked to read out loud.

When FA encouraged those of us without 90 days of abstinence to come to the front of the room to read, I was not so incl ined. My meeting was small, and I couldn’t hide from the task. Initially, I only volunteered to read the tool s, except for the tool of anonymit y because pronouncing that word intimidated me. With time, I was willing to

read other portions but shied away from the Twelve Traditions because the part of Trad ition Six that read s “lest problems of mone y, proper t y, and prestige d i ver t us from our primar y purpose ” seemed l i ke a cruel tongue t wister.

In my rst AWOL, I struggled to be truly present because I was counting para graphs in our read ings, tr ying to determine which one I would be c a l led on to read. I would o en practice read ing my paragraph instead of l istening to those reading before me. It would rea l l y throw me o if I counted

wrong or if someone had to skip their turn, causing me to read some unrehearsed portion of the book.

With a little more time, I was reading the entire FA meeting format and much of the AWOL material out loud. I became more comfortable at the front of the room, not so much bec ause of the weig ht loss, but bec ause I felt safe among my fel lows and in

I became more comfortable at the ont of the room, not so much because of the weight loss, but because I felt safe among my fellows and in that room.

that room. As I got closer to being able to share in a meeting and, heaven forbid, give my quali cation, my sponsor assured me it would be ne. No one knew my stor y better than me. I am an exper t on e ver y thing I would say because only I knew what it was like for me before FA, my journey, and what it was like for me now.

I carried those words of wisdom to my job. I h been ner vous del i vering the sults of m work. I was not only afraid of being d isl iked when I had to report less than favorable results, but I a l so feared bein stared at and jud for my appeara my speech. Aga in, the more ner vous I’d get, the worse I seemed to do. Once I was in FA for a while, I realized no one knew my work the way I did. I was the most quali ed person to share the results of my work and that brought me comfort. Now, one of the main parts of my job is to go to conferences and present on technical topics related to my industr y. Being in a size 6 instead of a size 36 makes standing in front

of the crowd easier. Now I know it’s okay if I stumble over word s and have to correct myself. I learned those were moments of humi l it y, not humi l iation. I’m imperfect; so be it. I also know my industr y and my job. I cannot say I’m the top expert by any means, but I can hold my own. is month, I found myself preparing for a presentation. ere had been a iatus from g i vesentations due C OVID. It wa s t wo-part training session w ith someone el se presenting par t t wo. I did not design her portion of the p r e s e n t a t i o n , d a lthoug h I erstand the do not have the same le vel of know led ge in that area. So when she had to bail the week before, I was not overly excited about covering both sections. I decided to record a practice r un-throug h of her por tion so I could listen to it while walking and driving. A few days later, a er listening to it once or t w ice, I star ted to notice a consistent click-clack, click-clack sound. It took me a minute to realize I must have absentmind-

SUSANLORRAINEM.,CA

edly been clicking my pen while recording the run-through. I then ashed back to 20 plus years ago when I was in college and in my disease of food addiction.

Whi le stud ying for a refresher course to prepare me for a rigorous cer ti c ation exam, I tape recorded some lessons that were ava i l able at the universit y librar y. As I listened to the tapes, I could hear a popzz and rustle-rustler ustle noises in the background. I remembered a l l my go-to foods, so I could vividly imagine the items associated with each and ever y noise. I was l led w ith shame and d isg ust. I couldn’t focus on the content of the tapes because the menta l ima ge of me in my ba sement apar tment continuousl y binge eating next to my recorder was paraly zing. Food had to accompany e ver y acti v it y back then. I needed the ca eine to stay awake, the constant movement in order to stay seated (w hich seems l i ke an ox y moron), and the soothing and numbing of food to overcome the fear that I w a s too dumb to graduate from col lege, let a lone pa ss this ma ssi ve exam.

As I continued to l isten to my current record ing of my work presentation, I noticed there was not a single pop- zz, crunch, or slurp. e d i erence helped me to feel compassion for that ver y lost young woman w ho had been tr y ing to better herself despite su ering from the physical and mental disease of food addiction.

As my ow n worst critic, I can assure you the presentation d id not go “ per fectl y. ” I made some sl ips and errors; howe ver, I scored a “satisfactor y ” rating on all my surveys. I showed up in a suit I hadn’t worn in three years, and it never even dawned on me to tr y it on before I packed. I simply slipped right into it the morning of the presentation without a care. I ate my abstinent mea l s and d id a l l my morning tools a s if it was just another day. e experience was a great wal k dow n memor y lane of what I used to be like when it came to reading and public speaking , how I became more comfor table in my skin and my abi l ities, and what it is like for me today to be f ully present in front of people.

Once I was in FA for a while, I realized no one knew my work the way I did.

I became more comfortable in my skin and my abilities.

Surrender

Ihad been in FA for about se ven years when I called my sponsor while visiting my son on an armed ser v ices base. As we were speaking, she suggested I surrender something. I can ’ t remember if it was a situation or a habit, but I do remember being angr y and frustrated. Hadn’t I surrendered enoug h in this program? I told my son ab out the situati on and said, “I don’t reall y even know what surrender means. ”

He resp onded that surrender w a s simple. In the armed ser v i ces, the y were g i ven four steps: Stop g hting , put dow n your weapon, shut your mouth, and do what they say.

I real ized I was stuck on the ver y rst step of this process. I d idn’t want to stop ghting! I sti l l w a nted to do w hat I w a nted to do. I d idn’t want adv ice from anyone else.

e interesting point is that I had probabl y told my sponsor about my tendenc y to resist sug gestions because I trul y d id need and want some g uidance. But if someone

told me w hat I d i d n ’ t w a nt to he a r, esp ecial l y that I had to surrender a behav ior or situation, I arg ued a gainst it.

Why is it so d i cult for this food add ict to change d irection based on the insight of another? I think it’s because I am an add ict. at stubb ornness a nd determinati on to continue doing what I w a nted to, e ven i f it harmed me, was a part of my character that I g uess I d idn’t want to g i ve up. I had de veloped that characteristi c to protect me w hen I w a s young . To d ay, I re a l ize it no longer ser ves me.

I have na l l y come to rea l ize that for me to pro g ress a nd b ecome the person I was meant to be, I need to let go and weigh and measure the advice of another. I don’t treat my sponsor or folks w ith long-term recover y l i ke go d s, but when I ask for an opinion or help, I want to trul y hear it. So today I have my ears more open. I am more wil l ing to change.

I want to cease ghting with anything or a nyone. In the 19 ye a rs since I c a me into

I discovered that, rather than ghting the situation or refusing to accept it, if I turn to my Higher Power and my fellows for support, I am no longer alone.

this program, my l i fe ha s gotten so much b etter. I have wor ked throug h emoti ona l uphe ava l s such a s de ath of p a rent s, a d ivorce, chi ld ren le av ing home, na nci a l challenges, multiple surgeries (some requiring intensi ve therapy), de veloping se vere a sthma , retiring , and l iv ing alone during a global pandemic.

I d iscovered that, rather than ghting the situation or ref using to accept it, if I turn to my Higher Power and my fel lows for support, I am no longer alone.

e one fact I accept about myself is that

I stil l can arg ue. I am not perfect. When a pulmonologist told me at the age of 62 that I had developed severe asthma , I told him that he was w rong. Looking back, I have to chuckle at my insistence on arguing against the facts. Acceptance is the answer to al l of my problems tod ay. If I stay abstinent, do e ver y to ol e ver y d ay, a nd wor k the steps continua l l y, I w i l l get b etter. My wei g ht stays the same. My emotional stabil it y and spiritua l connection w i l l increa se. e result is incred ible joy.

SUSAN F , NY

Not S omething I Ate

Ia m co nv i n ce d FA s av e d my l i f e. We were o n v a c at i o n s e e i n g t h e s i te s a n d

v i s i t i n g f a m i l y w h e n I b e g a n to f e e l v a g u e l y u n e a s y. I n o t i ce d s o m e b l o at i n g a n d f l e e t i n g a b d o m i n a l p a i n t h a t I h a d n e v e r h a d b e f o re . I w a s e a t i n g my a b s t in en t m e a l s , s o I w a s co n f i d en t i t w a s n o t s o m et h i n g I ate. I h a d n o d i g e s t i v e d i f f ic u l t i e s o r p ro b l e m s w i t h m y a p p e t i te , but I menti oned the p a i n to m y s p o n s o r o n o u r u s u a l c a l l . S h e a s k e d m e to m o n i to r i t . My s i ste r, w h o i s a n u r s e , r e m i n d e d m e t h a t w e b o t h h a v e t h e s a m e t y p e o f a bd o m i n a l h er n i a . We decided that could be the problem, so she a d v i s e d g e t t i n g i t c h e c k e d o n c e w e r et u r n e d h o m e.

We a r r i v e d h o m e o n S at u rd ay n i g h t o f a l o n g h o l i d ay we e k en d , a n d I d e c i d e d to w a it to see my do ctor the fol low ing Tuesd a y. T h a t n i g h t , h o w e v e r, I a w o k e w i t h p a i n a n d a s k e d m y Hi g h e r Po w e r f o r

g u i d a n ce. I w a s ter r i f i e d o f l o s i n g my a bs t i n e n c e , w h i c h I h a d m a i n t a i n e d f o r n e a r l y s i x m o n t h s . I d e c i d e d t h a t a s m y d o c to r ’ s o f f i ce w a s c l o s e d f o r t h e h o l i d ay we e k en d , I wo u l d g o to t h e E R t h e n e x t m o r n i n g to g e t t h e p a i n c h e c k e d o u t . I c a l l e d my sp o ns o r t h e n e x t m o r n i n g a n d to l d h er t h at I t h o u g h t i t w a s t i m e to g o to t h e E R . A s I w a s n o t i n s o m u c h p a i n t h a t I f e l t t h e n e e d to g o i n r i g h t a w a y, s h e s u g g e s te d t h at I e a t m y b r e a k f a s t a n d p a c k m y a b s t in e n t l u n c h , j u s t i n c a s e.

A C T sc an quickl y r e v e a l e d a c u te a pp e n d i c i t i s , w i t h a s w o l l en b u t n o t r u p t u re d a p p en d i x t h a t h a d to b e r e m o v e d t h a t d a y. “ Ha v e y o u e aten to d ay?” someone a sked me. “ Yes, at 7 : 0 0 a .m. ” I l i s te d t h e a m o u n t a n d t y p e o f fo o d I ate for my abstinent bre a kf a st. The d o c to r a n d n u r s e s w e r e i m p r e s s e d h a d the exact ans wer to that questi on, and the do ctor s a i d , “ This is wonder f ul. We know

I believe my new body

awareness helped me de ne my need for medical attention before the situation became dangerous.

e x a c t l y w h e n to o p e r a te . ” It w a s n o t a l o n g w a i t f ro m t h at m o m en t .

A g a i n , I c a l l e d m y s p o n s o r. I to l d h e r w h a t h a p p e n e d , a n d a s k e d h e r w h a t to d o, a s I w o u l d b e i n s u r g e r y d u r i n g m y n o r m a l l u n c h t i m e. S h e s u g g e s te d I s k i p l u n c h a n d , i f I w a s s t i l l a t t h e h o sp i t a l , co u l d e at t h e f o o d I h a d b r o u g h t f o r d i n n e r. T h e o p e r ati on w a s p er formed w i t h o u t c o m p l i c at i o n , a n d I w a s d i sc h a r g e d . Ho m e b y 3 : 0 0 p. m . , I n a p p e d , a n d t h en h a d my d i n n er jus t a s p l a n n e d , w i t h n o p rob l ems , t h en o r s i n ce.

A f te r m y a p p e n d i c i t i s s u r g e r y, I h a v e e x p er i en ce d a r a p i d , co m p l ete re co v er y, w h i c h I at t r i b u te i n p a r t to t h e s i m p l e a n d n o u r i s h i n g f o o d w e e a t . I b el i e v e my n e w b o d y a w a r e n e s s h e l p e d m e d e f i n e my n e e d f o r m e d i c a l a t te nti on b efore the situati on b ec a me d a ngerous. B efore Pro g ra m, I would have sp ent we e k s i n d en i a l . No w I k n o w t h at i t ’ s n o t obesit y, eating habit s, weig ht, or i l l hea lth

c aus i n g my i s s u e s. I n o l o n g er s u f f er h i g h

c h o l e s tero l , i ns u l i n re s i s t a n ce , o r a c i d re-

f l u x . Doctors and nurses c an ea si l y exami n e m e n o w t h a t I a m c l o s e to b e i n g r i g h t - s i z e d . T h e s h a m e a n d e m b a r r a s sm e n t a b o u t m y s i z e a r e a t h i n g o f t h e p a s t . I h av e m o re b o d y aw a ren e s s , a n d I a m e at i n g w i t h i n te g r i t y a n d s i m p l i c i t y. I a m t r ul y g ratef ul for t h e p h y s i c a l h e a l t h a n d r e c o v e r y I a m e x p e r i e n c i n g , a n d f o r my sp o n s o r a n d t h i s c o m m u n i t y that is helping me to h e a l a t e v e r y l e v e l a l o n g t h e w ay. W h e n I e n te r e d FA , I j u s t w a n te d to l o s e w e i g h t . I h a d t r i e d e v e r y t h i n g f r i e n d s , f a m i l y, a n d d o c to r s s u g g e s te d , b u t I w a s u n s u c c e s s f u l . A f te r s e v e n m o n t h s , I h a v e r el e a s e d a b o u t 6 0 p o u n d s , b u t e v e n b e t ter, I h av e f o u n d a w a y o f l i f e t h a t i s not onl y susta inable, b u t l i f e - g i v i n g . W h en I h a d a p roblem that I d i d n ’ t know how to ha nd le, my s p o n s o r g a v e m e a s u g g e s t i o n t h a t h e l p e d m e to s t ay a b s t i n en t . Th a n k y o u, G o d , I a m i n a p r o g r a m w h e r e I n e v e r h av e to m a k e d e c i s i o ns a l o n e.

Ge n e v i e v e B . , Ke n t uck y, U S

e shame and embarrassment about my size are a thing of the past.

I have found a way of life that is not only sustainable, but life-giving.

Supp or ti ve Fami l y

My eight-year-old niece was visiting me over the long anksgiving weekend. A er an abstinent anksgiving , the next day was black Friday. My niece really wanted me to take her to the early sales. I asked her, “ What time do you think we should leave?” She thoughtfully said, “ Well, you need to get up, be quiet, eat your breakfast, and make some calls. So, it’s up to you!”

Karen LB., Massachusetts , US

GRACE A., ISRAEL

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the di erence.