Issue 53 June
Well hello again my favourite people. How are things in Sunny Spain? I know it’s hot there at the moment, because certain people seem to think they need to post temperature maps of Spain on their Facebook page, showing every one it’s hot in Spain in May. There’s a shocker. It’s a bit like saying “don’t let Gary Glitter baby sit for you”. Most people know it get’s hot over there. And it’s always the same people posting that rubbish. Stop being so bloody predictable. Post a picture of it snowing in June and I will applaud you for being original for once. The UK has had some lovely weather too, lately. It’s not as hot as Spain, but very pleasant. I don’t sweat profusely 2 minutes after getting out of the shower onto my nice new clean clothes. Which is nice. But I don’t post a photo of a fucking dry shirt on my page, do I? Well that’s my gripe for today over with. Oh no it’s not!!! It doesn't seem to matter where in the world you live. There are dickheads. Most of them shopping at Lidl. Please will somebody explain to me why people of a certain age group, think it is acceptable to hold a 30 minute conversation in the aisle of a supermarket. Their brain seems to be telling them “Hey! Lets not go for
a coffee and a chat. Let’s stand here and stop people from walking around the supermarket”. And the disgusting look they give you when you explain to them, this is a shop, not a fucking park or meeting point for the mentally disturbed. Now that really is my bitching over for today. And Finally. Thank you all for your concern about what has happened to me. So far I have heard that, I am or have one of the following. Loved up, Cancer, Dead, Married to a pigmy and moved to outer Mongolia? Married a Black Man and Moved to South Africa? All wrong. But keep guessing. I was going to let you in on why, but it is much more fun hearing the theories flying about. Correct answers on an envelope please. As you are reading this, obviously I am not dead (or am I)? Until next time. Take care. Ed.
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Dear Editor, My partner and I are swingers and we own a bar. We are thinking of turning the bar into a swingers club. If not a swingers bar then possibly an agricultural shop. Because I’ve been growing some fucking magic mushrooms. What do you think? King of the swingers. Orihuela Costa I have never been keen on that big band music, or Mushrooms. So really don’t have an opinion on it. Oh! Ed. Dear Editor, "Apparently, there are a couple of words in the English language that cause a woman to uncontrollably gain weight and let herself go. Do you have any idea what they may be?" "I do" Edward. Torretas 11. Well go on then. What are they? Ed. Dear Editor, For the record, home vasectomy kits are not a good idea. Pissed off Dad. Mar Azul.
enjoying yourself your wife's the first one to come up to you and say "Alright fucking calm down..... twat" Ian. Granada. I know, there is just no bloody pleasing them, is there. Ed. Dear Editor, When I was young, I used to dream of owning a life-size replica of the Star ship Enterprise and having a wife with huge tits. Can you guess which one of those three I have? Pete. Australia. No. Which one? Ed.
Dear Editor, On holiday your wife always says the same thing "Try and enjoy yourself". The thing is if you start
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Ka-
Our local abortion clinic closed this week after 35 years. As usual for that place it's the end of an error.
period and, unfortunately, attracted a bear. She ripped the poor things fucking head off.
People say that sperm has terrific anti-wrinkle properties. But if that were true, with the amount of wanking I do "Or in my defence your in bed. My bed could No wonder missing a date honour, you could say I is known as "being stood was raping her to stop all probably make itself. You know you have up". It's the opposite of that clawing at my face." OCD when you watch getting laid. I thought I saw the a sexy, bikini car wash. Some bloke accused me wife's name on a loaf of The girls are sticking of trying to pick pocket bread at the supermarket, their tight pussies in him today. "You're too but when I looked again it the air, splashing each slow for me," he laughed, said "Thick Cut". other with water and "Now fuck off before I call I was chatting to this girl occasionally making out. the police!" I said, "Really and I made a grammatical And there I am thinking dickhead, with what?" error. It's difficult to type "she really needs to have I really like those new on a laptop with one hand. another go on that wheel urinals in most shopping My friend told me about arch". centre restrooms these I'm not saying my wife's this technique he uses days. I mean, the piss rough. But she's laddered where he wanks with a blows everywhere but four Tena pads in the last "dead" hand to increase it's amazing how quickly week. the pleasure. He's right it dries your dick. It did feel really good but Do you know where its it completely ruined the My wife went camping hard to pick up women? funeral service. when she was on her Weight Watchers. 4
At the school where I work, the parents of a 7 year old Muslim girl refused to give consent for her to go on a school trip to St Paul's Cathedral. Thankfully her husband overruled them. A woman is like a fine wine. Elegant, full bodied, fragrant. It's also the sound she makes most of the time after you marry her. If you can hear the hearing aid adverts on TV, then I'd suggest you don't fucking need one. What do you call a woman who doesn't know how to make a sandwich? Single. I had a piss in 3 different shops today, that may not seem like such a big deal. But only one of them had a toilet. Why do Muslims cut off girls clits? They don't want them to look like they have bigger dicks than them. I heard on the news that they are getting rid of the last ever Red phone box in Bradford, Just as soon as they've evicted the 22 residents. What's a fat bastard's favourite kind of bread? Whole meal.
My wife and my mobile are so very different. My mobile is slim and intelligent. When my new bride got home from work I ran her a bubble bath with scented candles and rose petals sprinkled on the water. "Ooh," she exclaimed. "What's all this for?" "Washing," I said. "Now you've moved here from Pakistan you're going to have to get used to it."
don't look ridiculous." "Hang on, you didn't fucking ask me that." My wife was going to a fancy dress party as a zombie. She looked frightening. Then she got ready for the party. My 14 year old son had his first 69 today, but he thought it was gross. He said he's going to stick to women his own age from now on.
I had a minute silence at my wife's funeral. Just "Tell the truth." The wife because I finally could. demanded, "Does this "Scientists discover make me look too fat?" female insect that has a "Err.. n..no." I stumbled. penis". I bet it originates "It's.. It's ok." "Oh good." from Thailand. She replied. "As long as I
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morning. "Some bastard decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged. "So why are you telling me?" he asked. "I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?" All I know is, if anyone walked a mile in my shoes, they would end up at the strip club. My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it. I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.
Feeling down? Depressed? Suicidal? Need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to? Well fuck off, no one forced you to support Liverpool. Whilst in the bedroom my girlfriend asked me, "If you could be anyone, who would you be?" I said, "Your dad." "Oh, so you could say 'who's your daddy' and spank me?" "No," I replied, "So I could fuck your mother."
Went on the pull last night with a mate suffering from Multiple Sclerosis. I got off with someone but he went home alone. Think he's losing his touch. "My dad had a fight with your dad, and owned him!" A black kid shouted to me in school. "No, your dad beat my dad in a fight." I replied. "However, my great Granddad owned your great Granddad." "How do you know that?" He laughed.
My girlfriend has been leaving her bridal guide magazines lying around the house. It took me a little longer than I'd like to admit but I finally got what she was hinting at. Amazon is shipping a super nice magazine rack in tomorrow, and I just know she'll be thrilled. I asked my wife to buy me some cod today but she came back with some sort of fish that cost half the price. Fucking cheapskate. I was shocked when my daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor. "Why do you want to do that?" I said. "Pwobabwy for financial secuwity," she replied. I went to see my doctor this 6
I bought a self-hypnosis CD titled: 'How to Beat Procrastination Instantly.' I'm going to put it on next Tuesday.
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"As a doctor, I find religious zealots sickening. I had to let a 12 year old die because his parents are Seventh Day Adventists who don't believe in blood transfusions.", I complained to my friend. "Isn't it Jehovah's Witnesses who don't allow blood transfusions?" he asked. “Oh fuck!" I think the American judicial system has treated Abu Hamza very unfairly, so I'm organizing a demonstration. Please print your banners with the following slogan. HANDS OFF ABU HAMZA Some guys in my economics class were arguing the proposition that you get paid in proportion to how heavy your dick is. I quickly weighed in with my two-pennith worth.
than five minutes. "Try it lying down." He suggested.
My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily though, there was a pair of the girlfriend's tights in the glove compartment. A quick wank soon took my mind off how skint I am.
I went to the doctors' this morning, as I've been getting terrible headaches whenever I 69 my girlfriend for more
I caught my mate's fiancée shagging another man. I would tell him, but he is having an open bar at his wedding. My daughter asked me if she could hire a limo to take her to her prom and for some money to buy a copy of her yearbook. "Hold on," I said. "I just need to consult the Atlas." "How's that going to help?" she asked. "It's not," I said. "I just want to confirm that I'm still living in fucking Britain."
A minute's silence for the recently deceased isn't very respectful. More like an imitation. 7
In Liverpool, you'll never walk alone. There'll always be other visitors to the city who've had their cars nicked too. I just met someone called William Hill. What are the odds?
what to do first. A mugging or a rape. After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years. But now that I'm out of What do you call a jail, I can honestly Jew with poisonous say doing the gas? A hypocrite. time was worth My wife said she it. went to the doctors Paki's are a lot today and he said like Mondays. that I have legs like a Nobody likes 17 year old, breasts them! like a 20 year old You'd think with and a tummy of a Mario being a 25 year old. I said "what about your 53 year I'll vote UKIP when they plumber at least one of his two hundred games old arse hole" she said " agree to kick out the involved making a porno... he never mentioned you!� gingers. I wonder what song the I've been offered a job as I lost my wife's asthma radio will play after Gloria a research assistant at the inhaler last week so I world's most advanced decided to get a new one. Gaynor dies? computer and technology The new one is far better My younger retarded firm. I just need to fax brother looks almost to be honest. This one them a copy of my C.V. doesn't even have asthma. exactly like me. Which When Jewish boys are The KKK use Freederm comes in handy for my prostate exams. born they get circumcised. products because they Because, apparently, God "combat blackheads". I watched Mission made a mistake. Impossible last night. I've been having sex A thalidomide taking a Two polar bears were with a lot of dead Africans selfie. walking across the ice lately. I can’t help it. I'm a when one said to the Breaking News: Negrophiliac. other, "We've been Police are searching for a My neighbour Leroy walking for hours now. serial killer who hunts was released from prison If we don't find the dads when they go to the yesterday and he was so woods soon I'm going shop for a pint of milk and excited he didn't know to shit myself." never return home. 8
broke my neck." So I'm off to buy some olive oil. Standing there with tears rolling down my face, I said to my wife, "Please love, for the love of God, I can't make it on my own." "Oh for fuck sake," she moaned, "It's just a cup of tea for Christ’s sake." The UK have decided to up their game for next years Eurovision. The song isn't written yet but to maximise the chances of winning they are inviting early applications from black, blind, lesbian, albino, transgender, paraplegic dwarves. Preference will be given to applicants born in Norfolk.
My girlfriend left me because she said I patronised her!" I replied, "Ooh, patronised, that's a big word." I got caught stealing an "I'm sorry" card from hallmark today. When I gave it to the security guard he smiled and told me I was free to go. There I was, listening to the guided audio tour when I smelt something funny. "Can you smell Gas?" I asked my friend. Of course, because I had headphones in I may have said it a little bit too loud. And that was how my Auschwitz tour ended. I stayed in Liverpool recently and I was quite happy when I came out and found my car on bricks after someone had nicked the wheels. At least it stopped the car getting stolen.
For years my mum has been convinced that she is a chicken. We never bothered getting her Help though. We needed the eggs. I Took my toddler swimming this morning, it was his first time without a nappy so before we went in I said "do you need a wee wee before we start?" "No Dada" came the sweet reply. 45 seconds later the little bastard took a dump in the shallow end. Just got back from a long walk in the local park. The whole time I was there some bloke was following me around with a pooper scooper. I wouldn't have minded but I didn't even have my dog
The missus yelled from the bathroom, "Love we really need to put something on the floor in here, I almost slipped and 9
I can only stop a minute." "Oh, are you busy" he asked. "No, I just can't hold my breath much longer than that."
Apparently hanging from the court room ceiling and shouting "Fuck you judge!", is not how you serve a suspended sentence. I was trying to explain to my grandfather how time travel is actually possible, but he's not believing any of it. He's just as stubborn as his grandfather. My mate Philip has had his lips removed. .we just call him Phil now.. The US coastguards looking for the four British yachtsmen are as much use as having CCTV in China. Sadly my granddad died at his own 90th birthday party, everyone was really upset, we were only half way through giving him the bumps My midget neighbour is really mad at me because I just can't stop taking the piss. I think Hi Ho him an apology. My girlfriend is leaving me because she said I think too highly of myself. I told her not to let the door hit her on the way back in. My new neighbour Abdul invited me round today. "Yeah, sure." I said. "But
Pilot: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your Captain speaking. First the good news. You are all going to be on TV tonight. Ironing done. Vacuuming done. Washing done. Dusting done. Kids bathed. Kids in bed. Perfect! Good! Now I can leave the pub. 10
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be a lot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
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I arrived back at my car just as the traffic warden stuck the CENTRO COMERCIAL LOS DOLSES, 104 ticket on the windscreen "You URB VILLAMARTIN - 03189 ORIHUELA COSTA, disgust me, you really are the ALICANTE, SPAIN. lowest of the low" I said. "I'm TEL: (0034) 966 764 730 - FAX: (0034) 966 764 158 Email: enquiries@candgfabrications.com just doing my job mate" he protested "It's not your job," I "Since I lost my virginity". "What!!!? replied "It's because you're a Paki". When did you lose your virginity!?" I advertised my garden shed in the I asked. "I cant remember to be local paper: "Cedar construction, 8' x 6', honest, I was pissed!". Perspex window, bitumen roof, wooden It was the worst day of my life when I table included." The next day I got a was called to the mortuary to identify phone call from a family of Bulgarians my 13-year-old son. "Yes, that's him," wanting to move in immediately. I sighed. "I've told the little necrophilia I walked in on my 8 year old daughter bastard to stay away from here." smoking and said "Since when do you Crime stoppers asked viewers to call smoke?" to which she casually replied, in with names for the three Asian men suspected of robbing a post office in Cheam. For some reason they didn't go with my suggestion of Curry muncher, Paki and Raghead. I heard that Yoga class was a great place to meet women, so I went every day for three months. Bad news is I didn't meet a girl. Good news is I can now give myself a blowjob. My son walked in on me having sex and called me a fucking slut. Then I realised he was talking to his girlfriend. If I were any more inbred, I'd be a sandwich. Is it ethically wrong to join Alcoholic's Anonymous just so you can boast about great nights out on the piss with your mates during the meetings? 11
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12 A
My wife and I have just learned how to speak both Terrapin and Turtle from our new pet. He taught us. I told my wife she needs to start exercising to get rid of her beer belly. She said. "I would but everywhere I go, people keep telling me to sit down in their chair?". I said, That's because they all think your pregnant!".
My horoscope this morning forecast sex and travel today. Uncannily accurate as The Taliban have announced that they now have a stealth bomber. the wife just told me to 'fuck off'. Sounds impressive, until you find I was concerned earlier at reports out it's just a guy wearing a rucksack that up to 20 young British Muslims may underneath his jacket. have already been killed after travelling I have a secret fight move that works to fight in Syria. Can't we send more? every time. I run away as fast as I can I found thousands of pictures of men and scream like a girl. My best ones are sucking dicks on my son's computer "help," "leave me alone" and "I want my under the file name 'homework'. I'd mommy!" It works so well, I think I like to see how his teacher is going might actually be a ninja. to explain this at parents evening. TV is called a medium because it's Paddy and his wife are on holiday in neither rare nor well done. England visiting historical sites. 'This is Mrs just got back from the charity shop where the Magna Carta was signed,' with a present for me. It was a book of said the tour guide, ' it is one of the most important documents in England.' all of the 25th of Decembers since 980. I was over the moon. It was like all my 'When was it signed, ' asked Paddy. Christmases had come at once. '1215, ' replied the guide. 'Christ, we I've recently started smoking. I'm hoping missed it by 90 minutes,' said Paddy. it'll help cure my gum chewing addiction. My wife was sat stony faced when I came home from work. "What's wrong?" I asked her. "I found some pictures on David's hard drive that you need to see." She took me up to our son's room and I looked in horror at the appalling images she showed me. "The little prick’s a Liverpool fan!"
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Missing Wife. Husband: I lost my wife. She went shopping and still hasn't arrived home yet. Inspector: What is her height? Husband: I never noticed. Inspector: Slim or healthy? Husband: Not slim, can be healthy. Inspector: Colour of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Inspector: Colour of hair ? Husband: Changes according to the season. Inspector: What was she wearing? Husband: Pants and shirt, maybe a dress or something. I don't remember exactly. Inspector: Did she go in a car??? Husband: Yes!!! Inspector: Can you tell me the number, name and colour of the car ? Husband: NLH-638 Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.... and it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point the husband started crying. Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car..........
me" she said, "So you can spank me and ask "who's the Daddy?" "No" I replied, "So I could fuck your mother." My deaf friend likes to watch porn with subtitles. I guess otherwise he wouldn't know what was going on. New studies have shown a huge rise in Genetically Modified food: They're now injecting Peaches with heroin.
After being labelled a racist. To prove I'm not, I've decided to create a new skin product just for black people, . These are the instructions. 1) Apply gel to face. 2) Wait thirty minutes to dry. 3) Then Peal (You know, like a banana). "I wish I was your father" I said to my girlfriend in the bedroom. "Don't tell 15
wrong side of the lens." When I wake up with an erection, I always pull it out and stroke it gently to see where it leads. It’s frowned upon when it's in the middle of the morning meeting though.
Noah introduces two Unicorns to each other. One says to the other, "Hi, I'm George." The Bruce Forsyth would are no longer a couple. other replies, "Pleased have been in court on What they had was so to meet you George, I'm child abuse charges but special. Arthur." he's that old all his victims I got the sack today. have died. Turns out the Five Second Noah, “Ah fuck it”! Rule doesn't apply when I was accused of murder My wife was so ugly as a but I told my lawyer I was child the local paedophile you drop a knife in the operating theatre. in a bookshop buying a used to eat his own copy of the Qur'an for sweets. Overweight? Deaf? £1.50 at the time. He said Forgetful? Then become A single cow can make that sounded like a pretty a McDonalds employee 400 hamburgers. That's good Allah buy. today! amazing, they should hire them as cooks at "My son died in the Paddy said to Mick, McDonald's. 'hood." "Was it gang "Mick, have you ever I accidentally bathed taken a selfie?" Mick said, related?" "Nah, the dopey sod suffocated when he using a fabric softener "No Paddy, Have you?" put his anorak on the that promises 'no more Paddy said, "I would do creases'. My scrotum is but I'm always on the now down to my knees. If I had £50 for every woman I have had sex with I probably would of been able to pay them all I also wouldn't have has many holes in my garden. What you call a pussy with teeth? A vicious twat. I still can't believe Katie Price and Dwight Yorke 16
I learned a very interesting fact at Edinburgh zoo today. The Chinese giant panda is one of the only animals that can actively engage in oral sex. Security's too tight at the other enclosures. My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
Ladies, no matter what the old wives tale says. The quickest way to a man's heart is through your anus.
For every cigarette you smoke God takes away one year of your life and gives it to Hugh Hefner. If I got ÂŁ1 for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I'd have way too many one pound coins.
I've decided that the amount of time I spend surfing the web has become a problem and amounts to addiction. So I've joined a self help forum. Whenever I'm tired, I always pull over and take a half hour nap, just to be on the safe side. I think it's also fair to say, I'm not the most popular bus driver in town.
I often splash out on over-priced clothes. I buy Liverpool shirts and piss on them.
It was exactly like the advert on the TV. She couldn't take her eyes off me and crashed her car into the parked van. It was as if she had never seen a man masturbating on a street corner before. 17
The sound quality on my Jamaica Inn DVD was terrible. Must have been a pirate copy. I can't believe it's Stalker Awareness Day today... That crept up on me! Where do Yorkshire folk go on the internet to buy and sell stuff? E-buy gumtree. Because of cell phones, Rapist of today will never know what it's like to bound their victims with a phone cord. Katie Price finally admits she's had cosmetic surgery down below. That vagina has undergone more reconstruction work than Ground Zero. I know how those Africans feel, having to carry a bucket on your head for five miles must be hard. I only had my wife's on my face for five minutes and it nearly killed me. What do you call a Muslim husband? Abusif.
Simply take a banana, throw it at a black person and get banned from there for life. Apparently I don’t have come to bed with me eyes. I have I’m a nutter, get the fuck away from me eyes.
My wife just heard the ice-cream van outside and said "Any chance of buying me one?" "Fuck off." I said. "You can't even drive." I'm Waiting on Subway to stop serving Muslims, so the rest of us can quit being offended!
Stella and masturbating to a porno mag and the Muslims tell it to leave at once. The pig replies, "Fucking Eat me!"
Eenie meenie miney mo Catch an African American by the toe..
What’s the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race.
I was rough as fuck off beer this morning, so the wife had to drive me to work. "I don't understand it." I said." I only had five pints." "I know, Dave." She replied. "But it's hardly a fucking balanced breakfast." Subway now refuse to serve ham or pork! Typical of business corporations today, they only care about prophets.
Men, are you tired of your wife dragging you through shops you hate?
Government warning: Some Peaches may contain heroin.
My wife says I'm a control freak. So what. Not everyone can stick the TV remote up their arse and change the channels.
The cows in nursery rhymes are always so happy. I mean, they're over the moon.
My girlfriend calls my penis 'The Tardis'. Not because it's bigger once inside, but because it's blue, and spends a lot of time with the Doctor. A bunch of Muslims walk into a mosque and find that a pig has broken into it. The pig is interrupted from a session of drinking 18
I've just bought a TV from Currys for £700 and I was given a voucher for £10 off for every goal England score in the World Cup. So in reality, the TV could cost me as little as £700. Jeremy Clarkson has been told by the BBC, one more offensive remark and he's gone. He'd have been better off as a paedophile. The FA are 'freaking out' over security in Rio. England should be ok, it’s not as if they'll have a trophy to steal. Max Clifford is spending his first night in prison and his cell mate asks "Do you know what goes on in the cell after lights out? Max replies "I have a good idea, yes" His cellmate says "As it's your first night what do you want to be, Mummy or Daddy?" Thinking on his feet Max says "Daddy." His cellmate replies "Good come over here and suck Mummy's dick". I arrived back at my car just as the traffic warden stuck the ticket on the windscreen 'You disgust me, you really are a horrible, spiteful bitch I said. 'I'm just doing my job' she protested. 'Just make sure my tea's on the table when I get home you fat cow' I replied. In general, the standard paedophile is a middle-to old-aged man with glasses, receding hair, poor physique, a moustache, and a creepy grin. I still don't get what children find so attractive about that.
I finally confronted my neighbour Hassan about why he worships a black child molester that's been dead for ages. I was getting pretty sick of hearing "Billie Jean" blasting through my walls at all hours. I never really understood the saying 'less is more'.... However, now that yet another Paki family's moved into the estate, I'm starting to understand it. Had indigestion earlier. The wife said, "Would you like some Settlers?" I said, "No, you know I hate Gypos." I can just imagine the looks of confusion in that prison cell, when Oscar Pistorius is told to grab his ankles.
It seems every time Katie Price wants to get in the papers, she gets pregnant. Please Katie, If you want publicity, just follow in the footsteps of Peaches, Whitney, or Miss Winehouse. 19
an interracial threesome porn movie he had starred in. But there he was, in black and white. I just had a woman scream down the phone at me from a call centre in Liverpool. I only asked to speak to someone that I could understand, in India. I said to my son here take an apple for the teacher we’ve got plenty and it’s a shame to waste them. Nah her English is poor and she won't understand, she's from Africa. Oh in that case here's a banana. I think technology and politics are ruining society. For example, I was on the bus the other day and a group of thugs were beating the shit out of a defenseless elderly black man and instead of doing something about the situation all everyone did was take out their phones and start making a video. I think it's disgraceful. Back in my day they wouldn't let a black man on the bus.
I phoned my wife to see if the builders turned up to start the extension. "Yes, there are three of them here," she replied. "What are they like?" I asked. Two of them are average," she replied, "but the black guy's dick is massive." 'I don't need fake friends in my life'. Just shared this with my 'true' 789 Facebook friends. My uncle is a typical sports fan. He likes football, cricket and racism.
After my brother died, my grandmother tried to console me. "I know it's tough," she said, "but everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for everything and everything always works out the way he intended. "When I was 12, I fucked a squirrel." I replied. "Oh my, that is disgusting," my grandmother exclaimed. "I know, your God is a sick bastard!" I couldn't believe it when my mate showed me footage of 20
My Welsh mate impressed me when he told me he counted every female he’d shagged every night. But apparently it does help you get to sleep. I had a horrible accident a couple of weeks ago, so after seeing an advert for an Accident Claim company I decided the give them a call. "I'm sorry" they told me "But we can’t really help you with this one.....Perhaps you should try an abortion instead? My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in. One of the joys of parenthood is snuggling into your child's bed with them when there's a thunderstorm to make sure they aren't frightened. Although my daughter has started hinting that she and her husband can manage perfectly well on their own. Following certain footage of Jeremy Clarkson coming to light, he was visited by the police and given advice. Tasering
is a far more effective method of Nigger capture, than outmoded toe snares. I may not be the most prosperous, compassionate or conscientious person in the world. But at least I know long words.
Peaches Geldof may have been pregnant with a little girl. Poor little Smack Poppy China White Dragon Chaser never stood a chance. Kate McCann says she keeps returning to Portugal. Well they say they always return to the scene of a crime. I always take a condom with me on a night out. Unfortunately it's always the same one.
Question: Is mint jelly a sexual lubricant in Wales? 21
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Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid. The remaining 39 letters spell a secret message. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck. 22
Conchita on winning the Eurovision Song Contest. The last time an Austrian with amusing facial hair made such a big impression across Europe was in 1939.
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Katie Price, 35, is reportedly shocked to discover she is already six months pregnant with her fifth baby. I'm starting to wonder if Harvey may actually be the brains of the family?
Lenny Henry is in the newspapers after losing a lot of weight. That's old news. He split with that hippo years ago. Heartfelt congratulations to Russell Panic strikes the Jeremy Kyle Show Brand on winning this year's Eurovision production office as news spreads that Song Contest. the long term unemployed must sign on every day. A team of British experts has flown to Nigeria, to help find the 276 abducted schoolgirls. Their first job will be tell the American team where Nigeria is. How sad recent events in Nigeria are, Just think, each and every missing schoolgirl is someone's Daughter, Grand daughter, Niece, or Wife . Gary Barlow, excellent singer, great with the piano, and also good on the fiddle. "Michelle Obama says she sees own daughters in kidnapped Nigerian girls" I hear you Michelle, all these niggers look the same to me too. Congratulations to 23
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Scouse vasectomy After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting
a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused,
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David Moyes has been offered another job already! The Great Britain Tobogganing Team have said they have been looking for years for someone who can push a team downhill at that sort of speed. David Moyes is sitting at home on Football Manager trying to reload his save from August 2013 A father with 11 kids decides he is going out for a while and asks his friend to come in and look after the kids. After their dad leaves the kids begin acting up and not behaving for their dad's friend, doing their best to get him to leave. Eventually the kids force their dad's friend out of the house, the eldest child takes over to calm things down until the end of the season when Manchester United begin their search for another manager. A lot of people are saying David Moyes was stabbed in the back by Ryan Giggs. I thought he treated him like a brother. Following David Moyes sacking, Louis Van Gaal is tipped to take over at Manchester United and will bring in some new faces to the team. Wayne
Rooney has asked, if he can have one. Manchester United's owners, the Glazers, have denied knowing nothing about football, reminding us that they took advice from Fergie before appointing David Moyes. Following his disastrous tenure, however, they have confirmed they won't be consulting her about the next manager. 27
All these black footballers copying Dani Alves' gesture of eating a banana in protest of racism is really just a case of monkey see, monkey do. I wish I was in Wandsworth prison right now. The Sun would pay good money for this story. "Max Clifford in anal rape torture" I might even make up that I was wearing a Chelsea shirt. A fat bird came smiling up to me in a nightclub, put her hand on my groin and said, "Have a guess what I want in my mouth tonight?" "I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered. "I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'". "Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake."
I was chatting to a guy in the pub who said he reckoned this Jeremy Clarkson think has been blown out of all proportion. "I don't know," I replied, "My sister never spoke to our dad again after she brought a black man home and he called him a nigger." "Couldn't forgive him?" "Never gave her the chance. He shot both the fuckers." Max Clifford had thought of himself as "untouchable", his trial judge said yesterday‌ It's a pity for him that he didn't think that way about teenage girls as well. Jeremy Clarkson admits he's on a final warning and will be fired if he offends anyone again. So me and a mate are going round his house. We will wait until he hangs his washing out, punch a couple of eye holes in a white sheet, then notify the Press. Result!
The police were at my house today to tell me that they've found my missing daughter's clothes in the woods. The poor girl. She must be fucking freezing. What's the difference between Kate Moss and Max Clifford? Kate Moss is doing Vogue. Max Clifford is doing Time. The police in Northern Ireland have been granted extra time to question Gerry Adams over the 1972 murder of Jean McConville. Wasn't 42 years enough, then? I see Saudi Arabia has a new website that allows citizens to send complaints directly to the king. If needed, you can even submit a second complaint using your remaining hand. Eleven years ago today I took a vow of celibacy............. I suppose I'd better say happy anniversary to the bitch. Who is the biggest prick out of the Top Gear trio? Mmm, let's see, eeny, meeny, miny, moe.. 28
My weightlifting coach told me to train harder. Now I only go to the gym with an erection. Did you hear about the incompetent dwarf policeman? He wasn't much cop. What's brand new and filled with sperm farts? Max Clifford's colostomy bag. It's a good thing Dani Alves isn't gay. God knows what he would have done with that banana. If Jeremy Clarkson had simply blacked up before he said the N word none of this furore would have happened. It’s ironic that Max Clifford's business has been forced to close on the very same day that Max Clifford's arsehole will be forced to open.
The local eye surgeon is the most trusted man in town. He just can't seem to do wrong in anyone's eyes. What's the difference between a Muslim and a vegetarian? The Muslim has the decency to blow himself up for being a twat. According to studies, we humans only use twelve percent of our brains. Just imagine how much more intelligent we would be if we could use the other sixty percent.
It's my 20th wedding anniversary today. So as a special treat, I've booked myself into the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland, to put an end to my suffering. The wife has been all smiles since we've finally agreed to see a marriage counsellor. The bitch ran off with the poor bugger. Which Marx Brother lived in a caravan and was a petty thief? Gypo. So Jeremy Clarkson said "Catch a nigger by his toe". So what? How else are you meant to catch them? After being branded a racist Jeremy Clarkson has decided it would be wise to walk away from hosting his forthcoming new TV programme. 'Wop Gear' has now been shelved indefinitely.
If your first wank goes well, then that's a stroke of luck. 29
I hate is the way they always manage to avoid paying proper taxes. I don't pity the poor, I just hate the way they are always moaning that they are hard done by!! I know wrestling is fake And I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it. I believe if you don't like the way things are here, Go back to where you came from And change your own country! This is BRITAIN.... We like it the way it is and even more so the way it was So stop trying to change it to look Nigel Farage UKIP like some other socialist country! If you for Prime Minister. were born or legally migrated here And In an interview about his politics and don't like it... You are free to move To views. This is what he said: any Socialist country that will have you. "I am the Tory Party's Worst Nightmare. I believe it is time to really clean house, I am a White, Tax-Paying, God fearing Starting with the House of Commons, English man. I am a hard working Brit The seat of our biggest problems. I want and I work long hours to earn a living. to know where the "Do Gooders" get I believe in God and the freedom of their money from, And why are they religion, But I don't push it on others. always part of the problem and not the I believe in British products And buy solution? Can I get an AMEN on that them whenever I can. I believe the one? I also think the cops have the right money I make belongs to me And not to pull you over if you're breaking the to some governmental functionary, To law, Regardless of what race, colour or share with others who don't work! I creed you are. And, no, I don't mind think owning a home doesn't make you having my face shown on my driving a capitalist; It makes you a smart Brit. licence. I think it's good.... I dislike those I think being a minority does not make people trying to guilt me into making you noble or victimized, And does not 'donations' to their cause. Get a job entitle you to anything. Get over it. and support yourself and your family! Join in with the majority! I believe that I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think! I believe the Union if you are selling me a Big Mac, You should do it in English. I believe there Jack flag should be allowed to be flown Anywhere in the United Kingdom! should be no other language option. If this makes me a BAD Brit, Then yes, I believe everyone has a right to pray I'm a BAD Brit. to his or her God When and where Absolutely Brilliant one of the they want to. My heroes are fellow best e-mails I’ve had in ages! Brits like Freddy Flintoff And Winston Churchill And I know I've missed a few If you are a BAD Brit too, Please thousand!!!!! I don't hate the rich. What show this to everyone you know.... 30
We want our country back! My Country..... I hope this offends all illegal aliens. My great, great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Boer War. My grandfather watched and bled as his friends died in World Wars 1& 2. I watched as my friends died in Sierra Leone Bosnia and Desert Storm. Our
David Beckham's son has got a job in London coffee shop earning ÂŁ2.68 an hour to teach him the value of money. I bet it really hits home when the limo picks him up after work and takes him to his ÂŁ40 million family home.
sons and daughters watched and bled as their friends Died in Afghanistan and Iraq. None of them died for the Afghanistan or the Iraq Flag. Every Briton died for the British flag. At one high school, Foreign students raised a Middle East flag on a school flag pole. British students took it down. Guess who was expelled. The students who took it down. West London high school students were sent home, Because they wore T-shirts with the Union Jack flag printed on them. What is going on?? What idiots do we have in authority?? Enough is enough. This message needs to be viewed by every Brit; And every Briton needs to stand up for Britain. We've bent over backwards to appease the Brit-haters long enough. I'm taking a stand. I'm standing up because of the millions Who died fighting in wars for this country. WHAT DO YOU THINK? Ed.
US coastguards have given up all hope of finding four British yachtsmen alive. After two days of intense searching it has been confirmed that they were unable to find the Atlantic Ocean. I was having a meal with my girlfriend in a restaurant and when I came back from the gents I stood in front of her and got down on one knee. As she clasped her hand over her mouth and the other diners turned around in anticipation I reached into my pocket, looked her in the eyes and said "Jenny... Can you hold my car keys a sec, my balls are caught up in my boxers". My 96 year old grandmother died after completing the London Marathon. It was a sad day. But she had a good run. Life is though, it's even tougher if you're dyslexic. SKY SPORTS. Louis Van Gal to be appointed new Manchester United manager. Ryan Giggs says. "At least he speaks better English than the last two".
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have been kidnapped. I'm beginning to doubt they'll ever find a black box intact. Hundreds of teenage Nigerian girls have disappeared. So what. In the block of council flats where I live, all the teenage girls got pregnant and hundreds of Nigerian men have disappeared. Just saw a headline asking "How would your dad react if George Clooney proposed?" I think the better question is why would George Clooney propose to my dad?
Subway are to stop offering ham on their sandwiches, because Muslims find it offensive. I think my local pub is making the same stand. There's never any toilet paper in the fucking toilets. Dani Alves has been praised around the world for his stand against racism by picking up a banana and eating it as he look a corner. Let's See what you can do with the coconut next week mate.
My wife and I were in Paris when I asked a local girl, "Would you mind taking a few photos of us?" Smiling, she said, "No, not at all." I replied, "Great. We're staying in the Hilton, room 403." The doors open at the new 9/11 museum this month. I can't help feeling it would have been more appropriate to have a large aeroplane shaped hole in the wall.
Max Clifford is more fucked off about everyone knowing he has a tiny dick. Than he about getting convicted. The BBC is said to be sending in a team of their own experts in the hunt for the missing Nigerian schoolgirls. I don't think they've thought this one through. Jimmy Saville is dead, Stuart Hall is locked up, and Dave Lee Travis still has an ongoing court case! So Katie Price is divorcing her latest husband, Kieran the plasterer. They met as he used to work for her, putting on her make up. First the Malaysian airliner disappears and now these 200 Nigerian schoolgirls 32
My wife lost 30 pounds after she started a gluten-free diet. She became so annoying I broke her jaw and she couldn’t eat solid food for at a month. It's Saturday afternoon, and as usual, there's nothing but arguments in this house. The wife's found out I've been fucking her sister again. Footballer Dani Alves responded to a racist fan throwing a banana at him by picking it up and taking a bite from it. This gesture would have worked better if he hadn't peeled it with his toes. Katie Price shocked to discover she's pregnant with her fifth child' Four kids in ten years and the consequences of a fertile woman having unprotected sex still haven't sunk in. And people say Harvey's the window licker.
I was out and about earlier when some black guy started screaming that I was a racist! I was so shocked, I almost pissed on the nice clean white sheet I was wearing.
So Subway have stopped selling Ham and Bacon so they don't offend Muslims. I think they should stop selling Foot longs so white people with small dicks don't get offended.
I was arguing with someone about Islam and Halal food and they said, "Throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them." Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon.
Muslims have been told by their God that they can only eat meat if it's halal. But I think that's just mixed up allah. I was chatting this girl up in the pub. "You can call me Spiderman," I told her. "Why?" she laughed. "Are you a real Superhero?" "Not really," I said. "It's because I end up with sticky hands after using the web all day."
I feel sorry for rape victims. Women who can't keep secrets are usually very insecure.
My Chinese Mum bought me some sweets. I said "Oi Mum, these are Haribo." "Well if you don't like them, don't eat them." She replied. And this is 10 miles away from the real meeting place. 33
2. Follow you around the house serving you when you want them to, but stay in their place when you are at the pub. 3. NOT spend all your money 4. Not moan if you bring others into the relationship. 5. Be easy to turn on... even with just one finger. 6. Be replaceable when worn out and suck your dick on demand. Then Marry a Muslim woman. They’ve been trained for it. In Islam, be it true or untrue, the individual has no rights or dignity. In Islam, the woman is a slave. In Islam, the child is on par with animals. In I pulled my dick out of this fat girl's Islam, freethinking is a sin deserving arse, then she turned over, spread her of punishment. Music is corrupt. legs revealing her sweaty, hairy minge, Sex without permission and religious and said, "Are you going to eat that?" certification, is the greatest of sins. "Your pussy?" I asked, disgusted. "No, This is the religion of death. In reality, that," she replied, pointing at the all religions are such but most religions sweetcorn on my knob. have been restrained by freethinking and Whenever I see a miserable checkout freedom-loving humanity over hundreds of years. This one was never restrained girl in Asda I tell her that the lady or controlled. With every move, it brings standing behind me is a mystery abominations and misery. Took our ham shopper. It's quite entertaining as you watch them become really friendly sandwiches from Subway too!! while packing your shopping away. Spot the difference. American Baseball world series. Apparently, foreigners are telling Only American teams. immigration officials upon entry to Britains got talent. Britain that they are gay, and if they are With Eatern Euroeans, Canadians sent home they will be putting their lives and Americans. at risk in their homophobic homelands. It is a brilliant tactic, and I know that I could easily do it myself. I mean, I just know as soon as I say "I'm gay", I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face. ATTENTION ALL MEN! Do you want a partner who will: 1. ALWAYS be happy to see you. 34
According to some religious beliefs, the disabled are born handicapped because of sins committed in a previous life. Does that mean that in the next life, Oscar Pistorius will be born with just a head? You know you're not really wanted when your mother gives you a laptop and a hair dryer as bath toys. Yesterday I was told I would no longer be receiving compensation as a paraplegic. I was so angry I got up and stormed out of there. Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos watched. The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable. Following the 'Racist remarks' scandal Oprah Winfrey now wants to buy the LA Clippers team. Nothing addresses racism quite like having a fat black bitch who hates white people in charge.
After having sex for the first time with my new Girlfriend She said, "OMG, Now I know why your Mates call you Donkey, It’s because you’ve got big ears!". Bitch! My wife was excited when I told her I was getting her a boob job. Until she found out that she's a box packer in an implant factory. My wife told me if I divorce her, she'll commit suicide. It's definitely worth the money.
This morning I said to my boss, "I slept like a baby last night so, I'm all refreshed I shaved my head today. and ready for the day." Not the best So she fucking expelled me. thing to say when you're a night security guard. My single sister-in-law said she was saving herself for Mr. Right. So I've arranged for her to go on a blind date with my Nazi loving friend. Subway now refuse to serve ham or bacon so as not to offend Muslims. That’s not the first time Muslims have fucked up our subways. It's a bit rich my wife moaning about a 2 day tube strike. Considering that hers has been on strike for 2 years. 35
that the meat in in Subway was slaughtered in a traditional Muslim way. How do they fit a rucksack on a cow? Scientists say they have discovered the oldest fossilised sperm cells ever found. They were in a sock under Cliff Richard's bed. I see Yewtree have just arrested Morph. Apparently he was a Play-Dohphile. Poll finds, most people believe UKIP contains racists. Well duh, that's why we're voting for them. All these immigrants should learnt to talk proper England like what we does. 85% of Americans believe in god. The other 15% believe in aliens. I caught a nigger by his toe once. Big mistake. It left his hands free to nick my wallet.
The wife puts on a new frock. "How do I look?" she asks. "Like a winner!" I reply. She goes away I'm not saying Katie Price pleased. And I thank god has a slack fanny. But she for Eurovision. only realised she was six "Up to 300 dead in months pregnant when Turkey mining disaster." she noticed footprints in I'm shocked beyond belief. her knickers. They mine for turkeys? I think it's wrong that I've decided to vote this Susan Boyle represented year but I don't really Austria in the Eurovision know which one to Song Contest when she choose. Does anyone is Scottish. know which one is the
car. Just as soon as the production team fit a Tracker.
I was astonished to learn
Following racist accusations, Jeremy Clarkson has said as a goodwill gesture, and to prove it was all a big misunderstanding he'll invite Lenny Henry onto Top Gear as the Star in the reasonably priced 36
most racist?
Parents say that giving your child a little smack now and again doesn't hurt them. Not sure Bob Geldof would agree!
investigating the boko Haram kidnapping. This is somewhat of a U-turn for the French who had My wife shouted from initially surrendered the kitchen 'How old when they found out was that tennis player that the militants had Elena Baltacha when she died honey'. So I shouted an army of over 200 schoolgirls at their back 'She was 30 love.' disposal. Gary Barlow has gone People are saying from OBE to IOU. that Jeremy Clarkson Roy Hodgson to name is 'untouchable' at England team. "Bunch of the BBC. Of course useless wankers" it is again he is. He's the then. wrong sex and about I see Sony have invented 40 years too old. a new cassette tape that The Pope has said can hold 47 million songs. he would welcome The first demonstration is Martians into the Catholic scheduled for 2019, when church. I suppose little it finishes rewinding. green men are a bit like children. Intelligence experts from the UK, US and "I won't be coming in France are assisting the today." I said to my boss. Nigerian government with "I know." He replied.
"How the hell did you know?" "Because I sacked you three weeks ago you fucking drunk." Nigel Farage says that homosexuality makes most people over 70 uncomfortable. I'm guessing they're just not using enough lube. "70 year old becomes worlds oldest mother" That's Bollocks, my mom is 76. Helen Keller jokes are in bad taste.... Which ironically, was one of her few good senses.
Hostage or not. Sometimes it's just nice to be held. 37
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A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!' The husband said, 'The what'? The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like just a normal dildo to me!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!' The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it
was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.' The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'
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well and try not to have nightmares." How does he expect me to sleep well when he has just shown the entire nation a video of me ripping off a Post Office in Worksop? The U.S. army have decided to try out drone technology to find the kidnapped girls in Nigeria. I'm sceptical. The McCann's have been droning on for years about Maddie, with nothing to show for it. The Turkish government's handling of the mine disaster has been deplorable. They should have filled it in before any of the fuckers managed to escape. Girls are always rejecting me. So I just ate the sweets myself and drove my van home. What's the most important thing a Paki takes into the prison shower? An umbrella.
You can't blame the families of the missing Nigerian school girls for being upset. They've got nothing to swap for cattle and rice now. I feel sorry for Roy Hodgson. It must be difficult to evaluate every Englishman in the Premier League and decide which two to leave at home.
I got a text message from my wife earlier that read, "I'm lying in bed waiting for you." I text back. "I'd love a shag, babe, but I'm stuck in work." She replied, "You forgot I'm having surgery today didn't you?"
I have the legs of a teenager and the body of a 21 year old. I should probably clear out my basement.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?? Staple toast to the ceiling!
A man has been killed at a football match at the Aruba Stadium in Brazil between Recife and Santa Cruz, when a man ripped a toilet bowl out and threw it into the crowd where there were fights between rival supporters going on. You could say the shit has hit the fan.
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At the end of Crime watch, Nick Ross says, "Do sleep 40
An Old Blind Cowboy. The old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know a few things… 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." The owner of Manchester City goes into the changing room to show Yaya Toure some love. "I'm very sorry, Yaya," he says. "It was disrespectful to forget your birthday. I've done my research, and I now know everything about you. Ask me anything..." "OK," shouts Yaya, from the other side of the room. "Why are you talking to Micah Richards?" I saw David Cameron holding a "#Bring back our Girls" card on BBC this morning. Lazy Bastard. If you've left 41
your daughter down the pub again, go fetch her yourself. Shocking news reports today reveal that Katie Price was heard to utter the ‘n’-word when approached by a man in a nightclub asking for a shag. No. "Do you accept Islam?" "Yes." "Do you believe that there's no God but Allah and that Muhammad is his messenger?" "Yes." "Will you pray five times a day?" "Yes for fucks sake.... Can I have my child bride now?" I was in Starbucks the other day and the guy in front of me said "Can I have a tall skinny black Americano". I said "Are you ordering a president?" My new Jewish boss pays per hour. He decides which one. I found a puppy in the sock factory the other day so I named him 'sock' I'm going to have to change it though, cos shouting "Come sock!" in the park sounds a bit weird!
my wife's today, after paying for the bouncy castle and pony rides, we could barely afford the face-painting. What’s the best thing about raping someone in a wheelchair? You only have to hold their arms down.
I think I've just located those 200 missing Nigerian girls. They were at my daughter's school when I dropped her off this morning. The McCanns are expecting good news from Portugal soon: It's impossible to detect an overdose of sleeping tablets after a body's been buried for 7 years. My friend and I like to sit on the bench in the park, rating all the girls out of 10 as they walk past. Of course, anyone overhearing us would think we were just trying to guess their ages. Funeral costs are so bloody expensive. At
while driving, putting makeup on while doing 80 on a motorway, cutting across all the roundabouts and even disabling the indicator switch so I'm unable to use it. I also merge lanes without looking, park on the line in car parks so I take up 2 places, and use other cars' bumpers as positioning devices Teacher: "Now when parallel parking. class, if I have 5 Just logged onto their plums in my right site and I've saved ÂŁ148! hand and 7 plums I read that it rains in my left hand. diamonds on Saturn, What does that Jupiter and Neptune. give me?" Little Johnny: "The shits, Miss." Only a vote for UKIP will put an end to this Just heard about a new foreign aid fiasco. car insurance called, I'd love to see Kim drivelikeagirl.com" They Kardashian topless. say they monitor your Unfortunately I don't driving and if you drive like a girl, you get cheaper own a guillotine. Fitting instructions: insurance. I put it to the test, so I've started talking 1) Lay on the floor. on my phone and texting 2) Shake uncontrollably.
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As my wife and kids stood in the airport, I hugged them one final time. I said, "I'm sure you all will have a great time. That's why I booked you this trip." "Are you sure you don't want to come with us?" she asked. "Yeah, you guys just have fun without me," I smiled. "Sweetheart, I'm just not sure about this," she said, worried. "Relax," I said," People use Malaysian airlines all the time."
hell does a multi millionaire lose all his fortune? Oh yeah, that's right. By marrying Heather Mills.
now serving Halal meat, but one in four of their seats now faces Mecca.
The BNP have accused UKIP of having racist immigration policies. Liverpool's new away kit If you ask me, that's the is bright yellow. Good that pot calling the kettle... they see the funny side of Never mind. Gerrard's slip by dressing A UKIP candidate has him like a fucking banana caused controversy by for next season. saying 'All poofters People are saying that if everyone was like cancer victim Stephen Sutton then the world would be a better place. Apart from the fact that there would be no one in it.
Samson has to carry his sweets up to 5 miles a day to find a playground that isn't empty. Can you spare just 2 pounds a month to sponsor a Nigerian pedophile? Not only are Subway
should be shot". I for one am disgusted by his ignorant comments. We all know the dirty gay bastards should be beheaded.
"I'm Jake the Peg, diddle iddle iddle um, With my extra leg, diddle iddle iddle um." Those lyrics make a lot more sense now‌ David James has declared himself bankrupt. How the 43
My Dad found me repairing a picture frame with a Pritt Stick. He scoffed, "Why are you using a Pritt Stick for that? That's got to be the worst bond I've ever seen." He's obviously never watched Roger Moore in 'A View to a Kill'. What’s the definition of pointless? an alarm clock in a scousers house. UK Eurovision entry for later this year.
Every Easter I try to hide as many eggs as possible before someone sees me. But only the ones donated by black women down at the fertility clinic.
Just been banned from my church's Easter service. Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"
A UKIP candidate has caused controversy by suggesting that Lenny Henry should emigrate to a black country. I don't see what all the fuss is about. Lenny Henry was born in Dudley, right in the heart of the Black Country.
The Welsh Parliament are considering banning electronic cigarettes because they might "normalise smoking". Then I Another dead celebrity. Another bunch think they should ban use of the Welsh of people leaving messages like "you will language because it might "normalise be missed" and "you were such a great sounding like a spastic". actor". He's dead. It's not like he reads The Cornish are delighted to have been this stuff. Do you, Bob? officially recognised as a minority ethnic BBC News : Inmate dies in 'botched' group. Although the guy who runs the execution. Surely it’s the end result local pasty stall seemed pissed off when that counts. So job done. I scrawled "Fuck off home" down the Thanks to the death of Bob Hoskins, side of his van. one thing we know now. If you catch Nice one Cyril, Nice one son. pneumonia and have Parkinson's. It Nice one Cyril, He took them up won't shake it off. their bum. Yesterday a Spanish teacher was Bob Hoskins, star of the Long stabbed to death in a Leeds high School. Good Friday, has died on a short shit The students left this message on social Wednesday. media; 'We was all sad bout it.' we thinx Daily Mail online: they shuld ave murdered the English teacher in it. "Teacher murdered in class was dearly loved by all her pupils." Being awarded ethnic minority status Well, except one. will bring huge benefits to we Cornish, the largest being exempt from being Situation vacant: accused of racial hatred, Just like Spanish language teacher wanted: Dianne Abbott and Lenny Henry. Leeds area. Worth a stab. The tweets by a UKIP candidate Breaking News. that Lenny Henry should emigrate 5 Monkey's have escaped from to a black country are disgusting. Blackpool Zoo! I'm not sure, but I Those poor fuckers have enough swear I saw one last week taking a problems without having to listen corner while eating banana. to that unfunny twat. 44
AN SIBIN. PLAYA FLAMENCA. BAR DOMINO. LOS ALTOS. BAR STUDZ. BENIMAR. BREAKAWAYS. PUEBLO PRINCIPE. BELUSHI’S BAR. VIA PARK V. BENTOR BAR. LOS BALCONES. C & G FABRICATIONS. LOS DOLSES. CANAL PRINT. RIOJA. CARLS BAR. LOS MONTESINOS. COMPURED. LA ZENIA. CROESO INN. LA FLORIDA. DATE UNA ALEGRIA. JACARILLA. DRIVERS BAR. VILLAMARTIN. EL ALMACEN. TORRETAS III. EL MIRADOR. EAGLES NEST. ELITE PROPERTIES. PLAYA FLAMENCA. EMY CAFE BAR. REDOVAN. EXPRESS INTERNET. TORREVIEJA. FORWARD 1st. TORREVIEJA. GRANITE AUTOS. FORMENTERA. G.T AUTOS. LOS DOLSES. HARRYS BAR. QUESADA. IBERTECH. QUESADA. JOE’S PUB. QUESADA. LA MARINA LAVANDERIA. LA MARINA. LEMON TREE CAFE. EL LIMONAS. KENNEDY’S SUPERMARKET. LOS MONTESINOS. MACEY’S. C.C. FLAMENCA BEACH. MACKLINS WELCOME INN. LOS ALTOS. MARTIN & THE CUTTING CREW. QUESADA AND CAMPOSOL.
MIRROR IMAGE UNISEX SALON.. PUEBLO BRAVO, QUESADA. MONTGOMERY’S BAR. FORMENTERA. MORGANS BAR. EAGLES NEST. MR SMITHS. QUESADA. NEWS EXPRESS. PUNTA PRIMA. OPEN ALL HOURS. LA ZENIA. PABLO’S. PLAYA FLAMENCA. PEPAS BAR. QUESADA. RAYZ. BAR ELRASO. READY MADE CURTAIN OUTLET. LOS DOLSES. RT’S INTERNET CAFÉ. LA RONDA. SPANISH PROPERTY CONSULTANTS. LA SIESTA. STEVIES BAR. QUESADA. STUDIO 6. MONTEBELLO ALGORFA. TABERNA EL NARANJO. VISTA BELLA GOLF. THE CURTAIN OUTLET. LOS DOLSES. THE FRIENDLY BAR. URB HORIZONTE. THE NEW TAVERN. SAN MIGUEL. THE PHOENIX CAFÉ BAR. VIA PARK V. THE SPORTING LIFE. LOS DOLSES. THE VENUE BAR. VILLAMARTIN. TRACY’S BAR AND GRILL. ALTOS DEL LIMONAR. WASHINGTON BAR. LA SIESTA.
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I don’t know the name of it... but this has to be the best book ever written!!!
I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE DONE GYMNASTICS AT SCHOOL.
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