Issue 56 September
So here we again dear reader on the run in to Halloween. Not long now. The shops have already started plying their wears. But hey, we have to survive September yet. I forgot to mention in the last issue. When I was at Oliver Tambo airport, I saw one the funniest things in a long time (well it made me roar). They had a Muslim prayer facility. But whether intentional or not, it was placed right next door the Gent’s toilets. I wish I had taken a picture now, but my smart phone was too smart for me to work. If anyone is there any time soon, please take one and send it to me. Or if any of you readers know anyone that lives near the airport in Joburg, ask them o go and take one and send it along to us. I would love to have it and print it. Also, I did not tell you about the Customer service (or lack of it) I received when I arrived back at Heathrow and then again when I got to Swansea, was nothing short of disgusting. I asked, what I thought, were two reasonably fair questions about certain facilities at both places. It was as if I had sked them to show me pictures of their naked grand mother and I had stepped in something unpleasant. And after the professional, kind and helpful way I had been treated
at the airport in South Africa. I must say I felt ashamed to be British. The people I had the misfortune to deal with, should not only NOT be in customer service, they should be kept away from society in general. I just wonder what visitors to our shores must think. So very sad. I am also ashamed of my reaction. Plus I did not get their names and report them. But hey, I would Probably have been treated in the same way by their superiors. Because, I think this lack of service understanding starts at the top. And before you ask, one person was White and female and the other was Asian and female. Anyway, on to nicer things. I have two birthdays and one wedding to survive this month. Congratulations go out to Shane and Lindsey on their up coming nuptials and Natalie and Chris on their birthdays. Until next time. Take care.. Ed.
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Dear Editor, I'm testing a new font that only paedophiles can read. How's it working so far? Neil. Los Alcazrez. Please will you re-send letter in a legible font. Ed Dear Editor, With the aid of Social Media this week, it's finally clear why men and women aid down their lives in World War 1, suffering hardship and death on a daily basis. It's so a hundred years later pompous pricks everywhere could post 'lest we forget' on their Facebook page in the belief they're making a difference. Point 1: If you need to be told not to forget you've already missed the point Point 2: How did soldiers in WW1 know we were going to have Facebook? Jim. Playa Flamenca. 2 good points. Ed. Dear Editor, All of my ex girlfriends are weirdo's. They wave at me using only their little finger. Nutters. Trevor. Benidorm.
mankind. Claire. Torrevieja. Me too Claire. Ed. Dear Editor, I make it a point to never judge a person, but sometimes I can be surprised when I meet one that isn't an idiot. Claire. Torrevieja. You and I have a lot in common. Ed. Dear Editor, If I'm such a loser then why does every bartender in this town know my favorite drink? Thatcher hater. Playa Flamenca.
Dear Editor, I'm constantly putting things where they don't belong. Like cereal in the fridge and the milk in the pantry. And my faith in
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Best pick up line ever: "I've got a knife and a penis, and one of them is going inside you tonight. Your choice."
birthday party. "You remind me of my late wife," I told her. "So let's go fuck before she arrives."
would try Amazon. I Found one that must be good as nobody has reviewed it. The site was helpful too. Customers Research has found that Just put my phone on air- who bought this item also the average length of a plane mode and it crashed. bought: Rope, Paracetamol Stanley Blades, Gas Ovens. penis is 6 inches, while the Two Muslims have average depth of a vagina crashed into the Thames Earn money by displaying a "How's My Driving?" sign is 8 inches. By my rough barrier in London. Police and ready calculations that think it might be the start on your car, along with an 0906 number (ÂŁ1.50 per means there is approxiof Ramadam! minute which you can mately 127,000 cubic feet I was told that exercise acquire through BT). of Vagina going begging helps with your decision Then simply drive around within the M25 alone. making. It's true. After town like a complete twat. Imagine the irony if Ed going to the gym earlier It doesn't help, whilst Balls got testicular cancer. I've decided I'm never getting beaten up for You know your wife is going again. your wallet by a bunch mad when she starts off In the middle of a really of coons, for them to find her sentence saying "I just messy divorce, I decided your BNP membership find it funny how......" suicide was the only card. Because there's a 99.9% option. I just need to I reckon it's complete chance she did not find it talk her into it now. bollocks when people say funny. I gave up going to the you've got a higher chance I was chatting up this library to get a book on of being in a car crash slag I met at my mate's suicide, so I thought I while using your pho... 4
Yesterday a man with a moustache knocked on the door, I said no thanks as they've never looked good on me. I'd imagine being a porn star has it fair share of ups and downs even after you learn all the ins and outs of the trade. I need to lose at least 8 stone. My sexy neighbour just put a cat flap on her back door. I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime. I came back from a trip today and gave my wife a big hug. "Miss me that much?" she smiled "No," I replied, "I've got the Ebola virus." Sex with my wife is just like watching a horror movie. Much better with the lights out. I was chatting with this girl for a couple of weeks but it wasn't working so I deleted her. I forget the actual word that the coroner used. My kids are running round the house making a hell of a noise. Shouting things like, "We're fucking freezing, let us in!" I got 5 minutes into one of Jamie's 30 Minute Meals
then realised, I'd forgotten it comes to a group to grow a herb garden in picture and they hand my kitchen. you the camera. Who else spends ages looking for the perfect scene to cum to on a porno, only to think 'why did I fucking bother', five seconds later? My boss wants me to do a tightrope walk for charity, to raise our company profile. If it goes wrong, my balls will be on the line. Why don't they just hurry up and cure dyslexia. It's not exactly brian sugary. You know you're an ugly bugger when 5
It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.
together when my son asked, "Daddy, what are people from Paris called?" Before I could answer, my daughter, trying to be clever - bless her - went, "Parasites!" My son said, "No, that's people from Pakistan." Good lad. There is a new brothel opening up in my town with strict rules on Erectile I let my six year old daughter watch Dysfunction, it's called "Go Hard or me have a shave this morning.. "Why do Go Home". you shave daddy?" She asked. "Because mummy likes me to." I replied. "Does it Am I the only one that thinks Katie only hurt?" She enquired, fascinated. "No, not wanted Harvey in the first place so that she could brainwash him into thinking really." I told her, "Unless silly daddy cuts himself." "Oww." She said, giggling. her pussy is a window? "And then do you get to put a plaster I was watching an interview with a on?" "No, sweetheart, no need." I said. virologist on the BBC yesterday. He "I just put a little piece of toilet paper was of the opinion that Ebola was an on any cuts." "Don't they fall off?" She uncomplicated virus that could be asked. "No, pudding." I told her. "They're controlled with soap & water, therefor held in place when I put my underpants no need to panic The next story was back on." breaking new from Bradford about mass Went to the zoo to watch the monkeys panic on the streets. wanking. Then I saw the tigers. Had Police in Paris have revealed that 51Kg another wank. of cocaine has gone missing from their
central headquarters. The police chief said at a press conference, "We'll do whatever it takes to catch the culprits, even if we have to stay up all night. And all tomorrow night. And then maybe hit a club or something."
My sides were literally aching the other night after seeing Michael McIntyre live. Whilst walking out of the show half way through, I fell down some steps and cracked two ribs. Female Genital Mutilation. The art of turning a puckered rose into a Kebab. Ketchup flavour condoms have proved unpopular Using the slogan "Tastes just like Daddies" was apparently turning some woman off.
I phoned my girlfriend, and said, "I was thinking dinner at my place tonight, think you can make it?" She said, "I'll be there at seven, babe." I replied, "Make it five, the dinner won't prepare itself."
My family was having breakfast
So this woman drives into a bar... 6
I experienced an embarrassing incident at a family barbecue last week. I was sat in the garden enjoying the sunshine with my mum and dad when 2 pigeons landed nearby. All of a sudden one of them jumped on top of the other and they started fucking on the picnic table. Even the pigeons didn't seem to know which way oyster you idiot," he asked with a raised to look. voice. "Exactly," I replied, "So fuck off so the bus behind you can pull in." The wife came home today and said, "My colleague got a surprise gift from her boyfriend - a brand new Porsche. Isn't that great?" "It sure is," I smiled. "Why don't you buy me one?" she asked, playfully. "Because I can't afford another one," I replied.
A bloke goes into the doctors and says, "I've got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?" So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down, and the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole... but I'm afraid I'm going to have I was sticking my hand up in the air with to report you to the RSPCA. one finger raised, when the cab pulled I've just spent £15,000 on home over. I said, "Do you accept oyster improvements and still my house hasn't mate?" "Since when do cabs accept increased in price over the last 5 years. It's doing my head in, I want to sell but if anything it seems to be losing value every week. At least the Mosque next door seems to be busy! I went to the beach and it was packed. Then I noticed a tall black guy walking among the crowds selling his African trinkets and carved wood. I went up to him and asked for his help. "My wife's here somewhere. If you find her I'll give you £500. Just shout loud for her while you walk". "£500? O.K. What is her name?" he asked. "It's Ivy", I replied, "Ivy Bowler". Picked a spot all to myself after that. BREAKING NEWS: Boy tossed off Cliff in Hertfordshire. 7
"Mummy, can I lick the bowl?" "No, you can flush like everyone else". I was walking home last night when some kid jumped out and drew a knife on me. The little fucker used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash off. The Metropolitan Police have said they are looking for a black man in his 20's. And always will be. I phoned British Gas who claim "All British Call Centres" Well, I can't understand Glaswegian any more than I can understand fucking Indian. My girlfriend finally told me that she was ready to have anal sex. "Result, it bloody works!" I thought, as I stopped swinging the watch in front of her face. I was surprised to read that an African doctor treating Ebola patients had died from the disease. Surely he could have kept a safe distance from the patient while he danced and waved his magic bone.
look on his face, it was priceless. What's black with eight legs and often found in the shower? Prison rape.
the cloth away she said, "Da dah! Your dinner is served." "I'm not eating that," I replied, "It looks and smells revolting." She said, "Just taste it." "No fucking chance." I replied, "Put your knickers back on."
"Are you here to do your weekly food shop?" the lady in Waitrose asked. "Yes I am, do you have free wi-fi here?" "We do sir yes" she smiled. "Excellent, thank you" I replied, as I logged into my Tesco shopping app. Referees will now be carrying a can of the 'free kick' spray in the Premier league this season. Maybe two for Stoke games.
Rolf Harris is seeking permission to appeal his conviction. His lawyers I love Summer. Two weeks of doing absolutely say he's converted to fuck all. And once my boss Islam and he was only following his religion gets back I get to go on when he had sex with holiday as well. underage girls. When I was working at Tesco today, a customer A DNA project will make was being rude to me, so I Britain a world leader in fighting serious illness, but scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader. will involve getting swabs It was my anniversary last You should have seen the from a hundred thousand people's mouths or just night. As my wife peeled 8
and I meant to say 'pass the marmalade' but what I actually said was 'FUCK OFF, YOU FAT BITCH, YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!"
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'Ebola unlikely to be spread.' Not surprising really, I mean, Who want's that shit on their butties.
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The United Nations has said that 729 people have died from Ebola in West Africa I've just had a shit that was so big that it since February. A spokesman added, touched the water before breaking off. That's pretty impressive from the middle "There is no need to panic at the moment, they were all black." diving board. A bloke goes in to work and finds his colleague sitting at his desk, chuckling and shaking his head. On asking, "What's up?" his work mate says, "Well, I had this really embarrassing Freudian slip this morning!" The bloke asks what a Freudian slip is and his pal explains that it's when you mean to say something but what you actually say is what you're thinking. He then gives his example: "I was queueing at the train station ticket office and couldn't help but notice that the girl behind the counter has a massive pair of hooters. They were real eye magnets! When I got to the window, instead of asking for a ticket to Tooting I asked her for a ticket to TITTING. She blushed, I blushed, I got my ticket and scarpered." The bloke laughs and says, "Oh, I see. That's funny!" The following day, the other bloke is sitting at his desk laughing to himself when his workmate walks in and asks, "What's so funny?" The bloke replies, "I had one of your Freudian slips this morning. I was sitting at the breakfast table with the missus
Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11. George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping, "You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said. So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.
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According to the papers, a three-year-old in India has been boiled alive after being knocked out of his mother's arms by a speeding rickshaw and falling into pot of heated sugar syrup. Neighbours described him as a real sweetie.
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My wife looked up from her computer. "What does 'teabagging' mean?" she frowned. "Jenny just tweeted some jokey comment about it." I explained it to her. "Yuck," she said, "how come you know that? Have you tried it?" "Yes," I admitted. "Years ago, long before I met you." "So what was it like?" she asked. "Quite nice, actually" I replied. "But it took ages to get the taste out of my mouth." A Muslim wife is complaining to her husband. "The romance has completely
gone from our relationship" she moaned. "Once upon a time you were all over me and couldn't wait to carry me up stairs. What's happened?" "Simple" the husband replied. "You're not 11 anymore." Following his conviction, all of Rolf Harris's paintings are being removed from public display. Why didn't they just secretly touch them up? I got pretty nervous in the bank today when I found myself standing next to one of those sinister looking Muslim women in a niqab. In the end it turned out to be a pretty harmless bank robber. My daughter's pet goldfish died today, so to cheer her up I replaced it with a hamster. What a waste of money that was. The little fucker drowned after about 5 minutes. The DVLA have withdrawn the number plates F4 GOT and D1 KES from auction, for fear they may offend homosexuals. Yes, because if I want to offend a queer, I’ll drive round town with faggot written all over my car. I saw a big massive poster earlier of an absolutely beautiful girl, and it reminded me a lot of my wife. She's big and massive too. 11
hug and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled. "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The daughter replies, "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. The child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from?" "Well dear, a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and 12
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the loud hailer and says, "Just the four of you?" The Muslim stands up again and shouts; "We're the last four. The rest are already there!"
My wife is forever saying I don't pay her any attention. So yesterday I was expecting brownie points when I said, "Have you had your hair done dear? You look different." She went ballistic. I won't forget she's having chemotherapy again in a hurry. A family of Pakis has moved into the rat-infested house next door to me. I can't see them staying very long. Rats have very sensitive noses. I scattered my wife's ashes around the garden today; I'd kept the urn on the mantelpiece for a couple of months , but things just weren't working out between us. Say what you like about the scousers, but they are indirectly responsible for one of the greatest motoring inventions of our time. Locking wheel nuts.
Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.' Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first replied, 'Cuz, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.' The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some Floe resant orange panties.' 'Why you gonna wear dem? the others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cuz if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.' The third lady says, ‘Well, I aint gonna wear no panties...’ ‘What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says,'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always looks fo da black box first'. Be careful out there today everybody, it's the hottest day of the year. Mind you don't scald yourself on that fucking drizzle.
A British Navy destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards Brighton. "The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?" One of the Muslims stands up and shouts, "We are invading England!" The crew of the destroyer all start laughing. When the captain finally stops laughing, he gets on 14
Me and my wife have this new deal where she has to lose a certain amount of weight, or I get to have sex with another woman of my choice. To celebrate our new deal, I've ordered us in some pizza. A man walks into a library and says, "Alright you fat cow, I'm looking for a book about Muslims." "I've never been so offended in my life," says the librarian. "That's the one," he replies. "If you're excited at finding your name on a coke bottle, then imagine how I feel every time I go B&Q" - Matt White. I've decided never to buy anything off the Internet again, after getting conned last week. I ordered what was supposed to be the world's largest cardboard box, but the one it came in was bigger. My brother's just got back from two weeks in the sun. He's got one hell of a tan. In fact he's so brown that when he came round our house, I immediately hid all my valuables. I only joined Liars Anonymous this morning.. And they've already made me president. Necrophiliacs really do have the right idea......fucking a hollow corpse that doesn't respond or moan in any way, just lets you do your business then lays there motionless once you have finished. Sadly my bad back meant digging was out of the question, so I got married instead. The first step of divorce is her throwing all my stuff in the street and ends when the judge says I have to give it all back to her. I walked up to a prostitute last night, stared at her tits and said, "How much?"
"£50." she replied. "Thought so," I said, "They're probably the worst implants I've ever seen." The International Space Station is flying over England tonight… So if you're in Liverpool, expect some youth knocking your door trying to sell parts off it in the morning. A guy goes into the library and says "Do you have any books on constipation?" The Librarian says "I've been waiting on it coming out for ages but it hasn't arrived yet. I can't work it out, it's been a real pain in the arse" I said “yeah that sounds like the one”. Quasimodo went to his doctor. 'How can I help you,' asked the doctor. 'I just don't feel right,' replied Quasimodo 'OK, can you take off all your clothes and we'll try to find out what's wrong. 'said the doctor. Quasimodo took off ten vests, eight shirts and fourteen jumpers. 'When was the last time you took off all your clothes? ' asked the doctor. 'When I was at school, 'replied Quasimodo. 'Did you never wonder what happened to your school bag,' replied the doctor. 15
My son has been asked to sign for his local team. To be honest, I never knew they were deaf. Hey kid, fancy a glass of water? Paedophiles have it so much easier in Africa.
Bear Grylls wife has said that she had butterflies in her stomach when they first met. That's weird. He had raccoon shit in his.
to add dye to the water so that Police can round up the troublemakers by arresting those with stained skin. Why use a A dreadlocked Rastafarian Water Cannon when god has done the job already?. came into my butchers today. "Let me guess," I At work, I like to listen said, "Buffalo shoulder?" to podcasts while aimlessly surfing the internet all day. My wife was watching I'm a multi-slacker. Loose Women earlier
"Would you like a bag for that?" asks the rude cashier...Pointing at the wife’s face. I took a shit this morning to find the wife hadn't replaced the toilet roll. So I did what every good Muslim does. I stoned her to death.
Two brothers in Pakistan have been sentenced to twelve years in prison for digging up the body of a child and eating it. A when the competition What do you call a blind spokesman said, "This is a question came on, it was: disabled kid with only one despicable crime against Complete this saying arm? Names. Islam, everyone knew that 'Strike when the iron is...' It was awkward telling the child was not halal." A) Hot people I'm a widower. I met a fat bird tonight B) Cold Especially when my wife who tried convincing me C) Warm found out. she was into aerobics. I have now written a full I was having a wank in the I think she meant she letter of complaint to ITV shop changing room today likes biscuits coated asking why the correct when suddenly a young answer of 'not on' was with bubbly chocolate. girl burst through the not listed. door. She never even said I saw a young child get I bet Jehovah's Witnesses goodbye. pulled into the back of a have some good knock van and it got me really I love taking part in knock jokes... worried. I hope she's extreme sports. One of wearing a seatbelt. If Boris gets the nod to my favourite is sitting in use his Water Cannon the passenger seat when Met an old flame on against rioters, they plan my wife is driving. match.com 16
"Really?" Gasped my wife. "Yeah, see for yourself" I replied, pointing to our tree "there's about 30 crows up there look." You know your girlfriend is too young for you when you have to make Aeroplane noises to put your dick in her mouth.
when I complained that I'd cut myself shaving. "Gay?" I said, "Look at the state of my fucking legs!" Did you hear about the builder that had his house made backwards so he could watch television.. This fucking predictive text... Sorry, made should have been maid..
Congratulations to my neighbour Achmed who A neighbor from the is set to become a father next block over for the first time. His wife knocked on our door has a little bomb in the last night with tears oven. in his eyes and hand- Desperate for a crap at a ed me $500 and then mate's new house, I asked My wife likes to clean up started sobbing as he told him to direct me to "the after sex. Or "swallow" as me that he had hit and I call it. smallest room in the killed our Beagle. I looked house". His pantry will What do you call a black at the money, nodded and never be the same again... hitchhiker? Stranded. slowly closed the door. Six months ago my wife My wife asked who was at I've just finished reading a walked out on me, taking our door? "It's the neigh- 798 page book called 'Save the trees'. Oh the irony.. our six kids with her. I've bor from the next block been on depressants ever over" I replied, "The dumb What do we want? since. bastard ran over the To be more decisive! Jones's yappy dog!" When do we want it? I went to the doctors Not sure really... today with an ear ache. My flat mate called me gay He sent me next door to the divorce clinic. Turns out men can use pregnancy tests to detect disease. If you pee on the test, then the seat, the wall, the cat...you might have Parkinson's. "I've just seen a murder outside our house." 17
My girlfriend took up jogging to try and lose weight but it didn't work coz she kept running into things. Mostly cafes.
I asked the librarian if he had the new book about erectile dysfunction. He tapped his keyboard, and peered at the screen. "It's not coming up", he said. I replied, "That's the one." Me: Hey I called to ask if you are still mad at me. Wife: No, no, I'm not. Relax. Me: Phew! Thanks heavens, I almost bought some flowers.
when they come to visit. The little bastards never turn the lights off after them. I met a prostitute the other day who offered to let me snort cocaine from her arse for five hundred quid. She must make a lot of bottom line profit.
I went to my doctors about my excess weight last week and he took some blood tests. He called me back in for the results and said 'Sir I can officially diagnose you with an overactive......''Thyroid'? I interrupted The doctor said 'No, knife and fork you fat sod......' Steve Davis said on the snooker last night, "Is there a gap between the pink and brown?" Well, Steve, I've banged my dick on it enough times to know that there is.
My wife pulled out a Ejaculate: strap-on and said, Tonight The ejection of semen. I want to be the man." "Do you accept Islam?" Or... So I handed her a porn "Yes." "Do you believe A Yorkshire person telling mag and made her sleep that there's no God but Jack he's not on time. on the settee. Allah and that Muhammad is his messenger?" "Yes." "Will you pray five times a day?" "Yes for fucks sake.... Can I have my child bride now?" My mates called me childish on my 40th so I kindly asked them to leave. My treehouse. My rules. Our grandkids always brighten up our house 18
Life in the Australian Army.. A letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland). Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of pie!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't
have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers, he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Susan.
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maybe a couple of bambinos." "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "? A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. A security guard stopped me as I With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" walked out of the supermarket today. "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why "Can you open the jacket for me please, am I hitting all these buttons with my sir?" he asked. "Sure," I replied, unbutelbow? ..."What . .. . ..You're coming toning it all the way down, "There you empty handed?" go." He said, "Thanks, but I meant I like wanking whilst looking at myself yours." in the mirror. My driving instructor As a moth, I used to think life was hates it. shallow and futile, with very little to get excited about. And then I saw the light. If schools were really serious about I'm not exactly a health freak, but I try fundraisers.. They'd sell drugs and alcohol. to drink at least ten pints of water per day. Fair enough, most pints contain yeast, barley and hops, but that's a different matter. An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and 20
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say. "Hey look, that one is shaped like an idiot". I told my friend he could borrow my pirate copy of The Dawn of The Planet of The Apes. For a laugh, I replaced the proper disk with a copy of Sister Act 2. Imagine my disappointment when he didn't notice the difference. "Let people know where you're going" my driving examiner said as we approached a roundabout. "OK" I replied, as I quickly updated my Facebook status. It was the anniversary of my old man's death, so I thought I'd go back to the school where he worked. Wondered if anyone remembered him. Straight away, everyone in the staff room had a smile of recognition. 'We used to call him the 'Teacher's Teacher' one of them said. 'He was that good?'. 'No son, he was an alcoholic'.
years ago. And yet we still went ahead with the wedding . . . Pippa Middleton has put the bicycle she used to cross America up for auction to raise money for charity. I've put in a part bid for the saddle.
I asked my mum if it's normal for Today is our 40th wedding anniversary siblings to share DNA. "Of course," and I can honestly say that my wife and I she said. "Nice one," I replied, walking up to my sister's bedroom. love each just the same as we did 40 Kate McCann has said in an interview that Maddie was a real terror when she was two. Always kicking, screaming and throwing tantrums in the middle of the supermarket. She grew out of it though, it was only a mid-life crisis. The modern showbiz ruse to boost a flagging career, is to 'leak' a sex tape. Thank god Clare Balding has got plenty of work.
I heard a man say, 'Muslim extremists commit suicide to go to paradise and 21
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Find and circle all of the summer words that are hidden in the grid. The remaining letters spell an additional summer item. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck. 22
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The National Health are considering the use of untested new drugs in their fight against aggressive cancer. Patient groups have said "This is TOTALLY unacceptable." Impatient groups said "Fucking hurry up." So alcohol producers are to be forced into putting warning labels on their products similar to the tobacco industry. What odds can you get on Stella going with "May cause severe bruising to your wife".
I haven't seen this much young arse out on a weekend night since I worked the pediatrics unit of a hospital! Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers has compared Raheen Sterling to Lionel Messi. Does that mean Manchester United can compare Wayne Rooney to George Clooney?
After my daughter's dog died, she asked me, "Daddy, what's doggy heaven like?" I said, "It's like normal heaven, but you get to do it from behind". When I went to America on holiday a man came into Mcdonalds. As soon as he walked in everybody looked at him. The room went silent, everyone was scared shitless. Everyone in the restaurant started panic and scream
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Hamas have stated that the 72 hour ceasefire was nothing compared to the 72 virgins they've been promised! If the Israelis want advice on how to stop Muslims making it through the Hamas Gaza tunnels, may I suggest they talk to Prince Philip and MI5? Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team. He has hired Celtic's as he heard you can lose both legs and still win.
than anything else. My Muslim neighbour was complaining about his six year old daughter. I said, "Don't worry, she'll be out of the house and married in a couple of years." I won't be surprised if the Department for Work and Pensions is named as the biggest terrorist funder this year...
I saw a bloke let his dog walk straight out in front of a lorry this morning. It will be such a relief when all the poor The cruel prick didn't even flinch when oppressed Iraqi 'Christians' get asylum in it was killed. He was too busy standing the UK and can safely convert back to round, trying to look cool in his Islam. sunglasses. The RAF is going to drop aid supplies to Christians surrounded by marauding muslims. Natives of Leicester, help is on its way. BBC BREAKING NEWS: France to send arms to Iraqi Kurds. That'll be a great help to them as it's a known fact that French arms are lighter and easier to hold in the air 24
I bought a laptop that wouldn't allow me to type the words 'nigger, paki, spastic or Eastern European scum'. That is last time I get anything from PC World!
A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider's home A virus was the flu A hard drive was a long trip on the road I'm getting worried about this Ebola A mouse pad was where a mouse lived virus. I mean, I've got Norton but.......... And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy. Why was the Adobe Acrobat document A fat bird came up to me in the club arrested? It was a PDF file. last night.. "How do you fancy a quick When I was young. shag?" She purred. "No strings, I don't Memory was something you lost with like anything too heavy." "Neither do age. An application was for employment I, love." I replied, "So fuck off." In The Club, a BBC drama about pregnant women came about because of a typo by the commissioning editor. She wanted a series that ended with a cliffhanger, not a coat hanger. If the wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way! 25
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THE PASTORS’S ASS The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkeythat he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . ... . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone
else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live long.
I used to have sex with my adopted sister. It stopped being fun when I found out she was adopted though. 27
the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your backside and go as a toffee apple. The Mexican maid asks for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well, A man with a bald head and a wooden Se単ora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you to hide his head and his wooden leg, so iron better than me?' Maria: 'Jor husban' he writes to a fancy dress company to say so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second explain his problem. A few days later reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you he receives a parcel with a note: were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Jor Dear Sir, husban' did.' Wife: 'Oh..' Maria: 'The Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. third reason is that I am better at sex The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden than you in bed.' Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?' leg you will be just right as a Pirate. Maria: 'No Se単ora...the gardener did.' The man is offended that the outfit Wife: 'So how much do you want? emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to he receives another parcel and note: me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and either." "Fucking great," I thought, "First with your bald head you will really look day in here and I'm already married." 28
She tied it to a pylon. 10000 volts went up its leg. And turned its wool to nylon. BT are putting up the price of their phone service but "are protecting people on low incomes" Why bother? Most people on benefits have an iPhone 5S on a contract. What's the difference between a microwave and a poof. A microwave doesn't brown your sausage.
school has just been blown up by them.
Fuck me, if Scotland leaves the UK the average British life expectancy is going to go up to about 115!
It's sad to think we are now in an age where making history isn't nearly A story in the Sun I'm posing naked for an as important as deleting it. says that Muslim women shouldn't be allowed to art class tonight. Nobody I once knew a guy who wear a Burka. See page 3 asked me to. I think they shagged the exhaust of a for what women should are making ceramic bowls. lorry. He found out a wear. My wife is pissed off month later that he was What's the difference because I never buy her HGV positive! between paedophilia and flowers. It's not my fault If Islam is the religion incest? According to my she's a shit florist. of peace, then why aren't son, not much. I told my mate, "I reckon its extremists extremely There's a new sitcom the woman living over the peaceful? coming out soon set in road is a swinger." He Rolf Harris has been spat an abortion clinic. It's laughed, "Why? She been on in prison. I've watched called "Some mothers giving you the eye?" I said, enough porn to know don't 'ave 'em". "No, she's black." what happens next. A Jewish Boy asked his Every day I beat my My son got his A Level Parents for a Transformer own previous record results today. He's going for his Birthday. They Got of consecutive days that to Cambridge. To throw him a Caterpillar and told I've stayed alive. himself off a building. him to sit and wait. One school of thought R.I.P Lauren Bacall who Mario Balotelli. argues that the Israelis died yesterday through no "Why always me?" are justified in their choice of her own! Scousers. "Why always bombardment of civilians us?" Perfect match! in Gaza. While the other Mary had a little lamb. 29
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Women have lower incomes than men, says a new study, due mostly to women taking more time off from their careers, spending more than they earn, and saving less money than men. It's obvious that women are being unfairly treated while men are being unjustly rewarded for working more and spending less. Scientists are trying to find a material for a tougher and more indestructible 'Black Box' to put in aircraft. My suggestion would be to make them out of Keith Richards. A new report shows that renting is more expensive than ownership. Bollocks. After my divorce, I worked it out that it cost me £73 per fuck throughout my married life. I can rent a Polish prostitute for £30 and get all the anal I want.
Iran's Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, says that they're going to allow women to remove their veils for ten minutes a week. This is to allow them to brush their teeth and shave. Thames Valley Police are on a recruitment drive to find more women Police Officers. Apparently, the reason there are so few women is that they can't grasp the concept of 'the right to remain silent'. My Step-daughter has terminal cancer so I did what any good father would do. Took her virginity to stop the terrorists getting her...
If you think the latest Yewtree allegations are the most disturbing thing you've ever heard about Cliff Richard, just remember. Your mum plays with herself while looking at the We've all been there at the hairdresser: photos on that calendar you got her you keep telling her to take more off and for Christmas. then, before you know it… She's naked and you don't know what to do with the The wife and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary TODAY ! knife. A whole YEAR of bliss ! I was shocked when I tried to book Twelve MONTHS of joy ! the family on a holiday to Disneyland Fifty-two WEEKS of happiness ! in Florida. They're now classing Three hundred and sixty-five DAYS 10-year-olds as adults. And I thought, "Won't that the basis for Cliff Richards' of love! It’s just a shame it's our silver wedding anniversary. defence?" 31
As a mark of respect, I've decided to act out parts of Robin Williams' films today. So I started by chasing a monkey down the street like in Jumanji. And now I've been arrested for racism.
Justin Bieber episode is on tomorrow. So if in 2040 Robin Williams suddenly reappears again, we know he was just trapped in a board game the whole time. I woke up this morning to see everyone's Facebook status' saying stuff like, "RIP. You were so funny to watch and listen to". Is Stephen Hawking dead?
RIP Robin Williams. My thoughts are with Gary, Mark, Jason and Howard at this sad time. Robin Williams has died from Asphyxiation. Or, the World According to Gasp.
If Robin Williams is cremated.. I wonder if his relatives will try rubbing the urn.
Shame about Robin Williams, he couldn't cope with the fact that he lost the part in Mrs Doubtfire 2 to Frank Maloney. If Robin Williams had sat and thought about all the jokes that would be made about his suicide he would probably have beaten the depression.
The Sheriff's department confirmed Robin Williams was found with a belt around his neck. He must have died doing an impression of Simon Cowell.
Funny how you can always remember what you were doing when you hear bad news , like when the Mrs told me about Robin Williams I was in the I had always thought Robin Williams' garage sorting out the hanging baskets.
best performance was in One Hour Breaking News: Robin Williams has Photo, but it looks like this time he's been found dead, with a belt round his topped himself. neck and both wrists slit.. Another good "Robin Williams Found Dead At 63" The person living at number 63 said "I still don't know how he got in my apartment".
reason, why I refuse to eat Halal meat.
And now, following another celebrity death, we must show our traditional respects; Everyone wait at least two weeks before calling him a pedophile Robin Williams dead. Police suspect arson, but I Doubtfire. The Family Guy episode where Peter can turn people into Robin Williams was on an hour before Robin Williams was found dead. Here's hoping the 32
Jewish Divorce. New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is completed, the woman thanks the judge and says, "Now I have to arrange for a Ghet." The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman explains that Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith. The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (i.e. Circumcision) She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!" Despite all the troubles it was good to see that the people of Gaza turned I once experienced the pain of child birth. Standing within grabbing distance their lights off last night to mark 100th anniversary of WW1. during a contraction is a bad idea. I thought some toys would help my sex It was very moving to see Prince life. I wasn't wrong! The etch a sketch I Charles laying a wreath in memory bought for my niece has really distracted of the millions who fought during the Great War. It was also a nice touch by her and stopped all the tears. him to take the trouble to wear all of All my mates seem to think that my their medals. girlfriend is a slut. That's nonsense. We were on our third date before she would even let me take her dogging.
President Obama has said he'll give all African nations whatever help they need to fight the Ebola outbreak. He would do wouldn't he, they’re all fucking related to him! Frank Lampard arrived at City today and says he's settled in well, adding: "I recognise many of the fans from when they supported Chelsea". The Gaza truce is like the female orgasm. We all know it's fake but it still makes us feel good about ourselves.
Truce in Gaza? Don't you believe it! The Jews are shopping around for cheaper bombs. 33
everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?" "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place." As my girlfriend walked out on me earlier, she shouted: "You look like a twat with your hair combed to the side." It was a cruel parting comment. BBC News: "Bernie Ecclestone, the boss of Formula 1, ends his year-long bribery trial." by bribing the court with $60M settlement. Sometimes this shit writes itself. Hearing about Bernie Ecclestone getting off bribery charges by paying Does anybody else hold off on cumming the prosecutors has got me thinking until the porn star does? Makes you that I will get off my paedo charges by think you're one of them doesn't it? fucking the judges 10 year old daughter. Even if you have just fast-forwarded the last 20 minutes An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/ tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there". Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for 34
asked him what his problem was but he ignored me and just carried on staring. So I just accelerated a bit quicker round the next bend and he eventually fell off my bonnet. "No, daddy, please no, daddy, I'm begging you, please don't make me put it in my mouth and swallow again, it will make me sick like it did before." "Come on now, sweetheart, it's not that bad, and your mum's cooking has improved a little."
My dog had been ill and after a trip to the vets, I went to the pharmacy for his medicine. "Fucking hell." Said the chemist, studying the paper. "Was the vet Chinese or something?" "Actually, yeah." I chuckled. "Is it illegible?" "No, it's a recipe." David Cameron said today that "every family in Britain" was affected by WW1! Somehow I don't think 'Britons' Muhammad Bhatnagar and his family living in East London were affected.
I remember my first time having sex. Halfway through, the girl stopped and asked, "Is this your first time?" I replied, "No, I've cried loads of times." According to the Bible, the Jewish King Solomon once threatened to cut a baby in half. So the people of Gaza can't say they weren't warned. Breaking News: Russia to stop exports to the EU. So I wont be getting my Russian Bride anytime soon then? I think the people of Gaza should be pleased. Christmas is going to be a hell
I decided to lose my virginity in style with a hot prostitute while on holiday in Thailand, and I don’t regret it at all! It was pretty cheap but I couldn't sit down for a couple of days. I went round an aircraft museum the other day, and I'm sure one of the aircraft called me a twat. It must have been the Lancaster. It was the only one with turrets. I was minding my own business this morning when this little Paki kid about 8 years old starting death starring me. I 35
common? They both like to shoot their loads onto innocent young children. If I buy tickets to go see Jimmy Carr.Do I still pay tax on them? What's the best way to see Bradford? On a fucking map.
Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend
Just nominated my wife to do the ice bucket $5400, not accounting for challenge. "Open your inflation, the past legs, I'll get the snow 20 years puts your shovel.." spending at $108,000, My wife lost 10 pounds correct? the gym this week. Man: Buying cakes in the cafe Correct the fat bitch... Woman: Teach a man with Do you know that if you Alzheimer's to fish. didn't drink so much beer, And he'll eat for a day. that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No Man: Where's your Ferrari then? What's the difference between Ebola and Tulisa? Ebola will finish you off. What does Rolf Harris and Israel have in 36
Boris Johnson looked at his appointment card at the brothel and as if by magic his election campaign slogan was born. "BJ 4 PM".
add salt to mine.
What do Cliff Richard and Robin Williams have in common? They've both done Aladdin.
no girlfriend and tits.
Went to the zoo today, there were baboons, gorillas and monkeys all over the place. Trust me to I feel let down, dismayed go the same time as and betrayed after reading an inner city school all the recent news stories trip. about Cliff Richard. I had What's worse than absolutely no idea that having a girlfriend wasn't his real name. with no tits? Having I never think twice about helping others. In fact, I never think I was terrified when I was once about it. on a plane and the flight Putting the milk attendants rushed in away this morning, I screaming, "The pilot has noticed a gone-off smell fainted! Does anyone so I left a note for my know how to fly a plane?" wife; "Please clean out the I got even more scared fridge." I wish I hadn't now. when a Muslim man stood There's nothing left for up... supper, and she's laying on People claim babies are really sweet. That's why I
the sofa like a python that's swallowed a goat.
Do you think Stephen Hawking sounds like a giant bee when he's crying? I was always told that if a woman invites you back for coffee she actually wants a good fucking. It's made things really awkward between me and my Gran. They say a problem shared is a problem halved. Not if it's AIDS. My wife called me a gullible twat today! I was so shocked. I almost dropped my bible! If I was to make an educated guess‌ Then I'm clearly not from Essex.
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What’s Cliff Richards favorite note to sing in? A minor. My parents always used to sit and listen to Cliff Richard when I was younger. Instead of actually coming in my room and stopping him. We're all going on a summer holiday... Except for Cliff. He’s going to prison. What's the difference between Mark Knopfler and Cliff Richard? One is in Dire Straits. The other's in deep shit. BBC NEWS: Police have removed a large amount of laptops, CD's and hard drives containing highly offensive material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard. Senior Police sources confirmed "this was some of the most sickening, stomach churning material we have ever encountered. By intercepting this early after an anonymous tip off, we hope to clamp down. This has all since been destroyed, although we are currently pursuing further leads to ensure that no further Christmas songs are released by him again.".
pushchair, and plummeted into the frigid Thames below. I stood there, rooted to the spot, stunned and completely shocked. I thought they hated water. I've decided to become a chef. It's the only valid excuse I can think of for walking through the park with a knife after dark. I see that doctor with Ebola has been released from hospital and is well again. Didn't take them long to find a cure once a white guy got it. The wife has just nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge I'm a little confused Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time? Good to see that Britain has made a start in tackling the problem of home grown jihadist militants. By threatening to sit them on the naughty step if they don't behave.
I was standing on Tower Bridge this morning admiring the view, when a Muslim woman with four toddlers and a pushchair walked past me, crying. Suddenly, she screamed something in Hindi or Urdu or whatever the fuck, scooped up all the kids and the 39
We have this letter before from someone. But thank you Pauline for reminding us all again. One Really Pissed off Canadian Housewife. Ever notice how some people just seem to know how to write a letter? This one surely does! , This was written by a housewife in New Brunswick, Canada. to her local newspaper. but oh how it also applies to the U.S.A., U.K. and Australia. THIS ONE PACKS A FIRM PUNCH This is one ticked off lady... "Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not, started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001 and have continually threatened to do so since? Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from the capitol of the USA and in a field in Pennsylvania? Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they? Do you think I care about four U. S. Marines urinating on some dead Taliban insurgents? And I'm supposed to care that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured by a justice system of a nation they are fighting against in a brutal Insurgency. I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East, start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which, is a crime punishable by beheading in Afghanistan . I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head, while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat. I'll care when the cowardly so-called insurgents in Afghanistan , come out and fight like men, instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in Mosques and behind women and children. I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of Nirvana, care about the innocent children within range of their suicide Bombs. I'll care when the Canadian media stops pretending that their
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freedom of Speech on stories, is more important than the lives of the soldiers on the ground or their families waiting at home, to hear about them when something happens. In the meantime, when I hear a story about a CANADIAN soldier roughing up an Insurgent terrorist to obtain Information, know this: I don't care. When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I don't care. Shoot him again. When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed 'special' food, that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe, in your heart of hearts: I don't care. And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn you guessed it. I don't care!! If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail Friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behaviour! If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country! And may I add: Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering, if during their life on earth, they made a difference in the world. But, the Soldiers don't have that problem. I have another quote that I would like to share. Only five defining forces have ever offered to die for you: 1. Jesus Christ 2. The British Soldier. 3. The Canadian Soldier. 4. The US Soldier, and 5. The Australian Soldier One died for your soul, the other four, for you and your children's Freedom. YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO HAVE FORGGET IT!
Maths increased dramatically. Not surprising really, you don't need to speak English to claim benefits, but you do need to be able to calculate them.
I approached this gorgeous woman outside the pub last night: "Is it true that chicks dig scars?" "Not me mate" she said, "I can't stand them." "Good" I said, pulling out my knife, "then I'm sure you'll do what you're told." I think the British Government are right not to single out Islam in tackling radicalisation on home ground. With the growing number of violent Buddhists, Hindus, and Church of England extremists out there something just has to be done across the board. I saw a man recently with a tattoo that said 'Only God can judge me'. "Nice tattoo" I said, "it's not true though." "That's blasphemous, you can't say that" he replied. "I don't care" I said, "my courtroom, my rules." I've just invented a new flower that's a mix of forget-me-nots and poo. I shit you not. Figures just released show that the percentage of English passes in this years' English exams dropped while the percentage of passes in 41
I was walking past the station when this local homeless man said, "Any change mate?" "Nope," I replied, "I've still got a job and clearly, you still haven’t" Louis Van Gaal has said he doesn't care where Danny Welbeck plays, as long as it's not for a top 6 side. Looks like he's staying at Manchester United then. I was reading Cosmopolitan: '35 Hot Places to Touch Your Man.' Fuck that. I'd prefer the same old place 35 times. I said to my wife last night, "Can you imagine, being with a man who worked in a chocolate shop, who had chocolate on him at all times, but never let you have any, just because he didn't like it?" "That would be awful." She replied, "Totally selfish behaviour." "Exactly, any chance of sex tonight?"
I have to be PC and to answer the door. say, "Please paint So they're considering that wall, Leroy." flying the British Ebola Just think, the old patient back to the UK, homeless guy who clearly these people have sits outside my lo- never seen a zombie film.. cal station doesn't It's so embarrassing when know what it's I come home from the like to have a full pub and my wife says tummy on Sundays. "what time do you call But he will do this this?" Thirty two and she week, thanks to can't tell the time. me. I'm going to go down there and tell Corey Griffin, the co founder of the ALS ice him. bucket challenge, has People used to drowned... that must see me driving a have been one hell of large car and They a big bucket! would say, "You're The thought of Cliff I thought I'd joined on compensating for your Richard having sex with to the back of a conga anyone is more hysterical tiny penis." And now I crossing the road. But drive with clothes on. than historical? apparently it was a guy I went on holiday to India What do vegetarian helping his elderly father. and didn't see a single wig cannibals eat? Spastics. Roses are red, wam. I pulled a hamstring Violets are blue, during a recent Marathon. I've got Alzheimer's, What is the difference An hour into the race I between Foster's beer This little piggy went jumped up off the settee and a clitoris? A clitoris to market. only tastes like piss for For Explanation of this photo see page 47 a couple of seconds. I see that Ryanair is hiring 82 new mechanics. Which should bring the total to 83. My wife's gone out for the day which means only one thing, Porn without headphones. Apparently, I can't say "Black paint!" any more. 42
holding hands with his mate Michael. Air crash investigators in Ukraine have arrived at the scene of the wreckage of plane MH17 and said to be both disgusted and mortified with their findings.... Small tub of Pringles, ÂŁ3 Reliable investigative sources say radical Muslims in Los Angeles are planning to go on a rampage, killing all who are not Americans. Police fear the death toll could be as high as nine.
Bernie Ecclestone has ended his trial on a charge of bribery in a German court by making a payment of ÂŁ60 million to the German government. And they say the Germans don't have a sense of humour...
New Scientist magazine reports that scientists from Texas may have found a way to stop cancer cell growth. They use venom from bees, snakes, and Scorpions. Which apparently stops cancer cells growing because you're dead.
I think my Uncle Rod Hull should get A cargo ship from Liverpool has been subject to a piracy attack off the coast some credit for being one of the few 1970's children's entertainers who wasn't a nonce, as he never once laid a hand on us when we used to visit. Wish I Aussie Circumcision. could say the same about Emu though, he touched my Sister and I up at every Opportunity he got... "Everyone has a favourite child" he said to me. "I honestly couldn't pick" I replied. "I think they're equal". "Liar" he continued. "You know in your heart of hearts which you like the best". "Well...." That's when I got a nudge in the back. "Just hurry the fuck up. This brothel isn't cheap" said Rolf. My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad 43
Gatwick Airport announces ÂŁ256m plan to build a second runway. Seems a waste of money as most planes don't seem to use them any more...
I've just seen the photo Justin Bieber posted on twitter of Orlando Bloom apparently crying. To be fair, I'd be sobbing too if I'd got that close to the little twat and not knocked him out. Malaysia Airlines passengers have Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber. recently been asked about their flight experience; 5% said they were satisfied. Bieber was stunned. He thought a fist was only for his arse. 10% said they were extremely satisfied and 85% said they were blown away. I nudged my wife in bed last night, and whispered "Did you know it's National Cardiff City, owned by Malaysians.... they had NO chance of staying up really, Orgasm Day?" "Oh, what a pity," she yawned, turning away. "Right in the did they? middle of National Headache Week." As a proud Scotsman I'd like to say Shame on Orlando Bloom for punching how disappointed I was to hear Usain Justin Bieber. No matter what the Bolt describing the Commonwealth circumstances are, it is never acceptable Games as "a bit shit" When you're in for a man to hit a woman. Scotland Usain, show a bit of respect "I bet you knew it was National and remember its not shit, it's shite. Orgasm Day didn't you, you fucking Mo Farah has pulled out of the pervert?" sneered my wife. "Yeah, of Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. course" I replied, "I've been celebrating He must've heard there's fuck all up it round at your sisters all day." there worth stealing. I turned to my wife and said, "You I rang Malaysian airlines, "Hello," I said, know today is national orgasm day." "do you remember last year when you "Really?" she said, jumping out of her lost two of our suitcases and you said it seat. "Are we going upstairs?" I purred. was just one of those things? Well now "No," she replied. "I'm off to buy you know how I fucking felt. some batteries." These Commonwealth Games "I'll be making my wife moan later." have sent a clear message to women "Ah, because it's National Orgasm Day?" everywhere. "The referee's decision "No, because I'm bound to have done is final and no amount of crying will something wrong." change it." Unexploded shell lands in Gaza school Whilst the home nations have playground. The Israelis have asked for gathered 13 medals for bowls at the it back. Commonwealth games Kenya and Usain Bolt has commented he thought Jamaica have racked up 36 in running the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow events. I think this sends out a clear are "a bit shit." To be fair, I wouldn't message, darkies can't bowl. want my bananas deep-fried either. 44
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Everyone knows that in advertising the competition is very fierce, so the Germans came up with an ad for German autos. To see what the French did. See page 42.
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