Jester issue 57

Issue 57 October

Well hello again dear reader. Wasn’t September exciting. With Scotland and Oscar dominating most of the news.

Unfortunately, the beheading of the British Aid worker David Haines did not get as much coverage. It seems he was not deemed that important to all the different news channels. I am sure his family couldn’t wait to see the result of the Scottish vote and the Pistorious trial. There is something seriously wrong with this world, when the tragic brutal death of more than one person takes second, or even lower place in the news to the Scottish Referendum and Oscars trial. Even the death of Joan Rivers got more coverage. It’s a fucking disgrace if you ask me.

As for Joan Rivers. I really liked her.

But, as you will see from the jokes on page 30, she is now remembered more for her plastic Surgery than her jokes.

So the Scots voted no. I am pleased about that. Why they wanted to leave in the first place, is beyond me. And I don’t know about you. But after hearing the arguments from the YES and NO lot, I still bloody don’t.

Now I come to a subject that involves me. I have again been told that I have left Spain for good. This I believe has

been perpetuated by staff of a certain news paper (if that’s what you can call it). As far as I am concerned it is no leader of newspapers in my mind. Just a blatant thief of ideas, who have used my absence to further their goals and to make a bit of (obviously much needed) extra cash. Anyway, those who know me know the truth. But to keep the rest of you in the picture. All going well I will be back in Spain early in the new year. To take up where I left off and deal with the rumour mongers first hand.

Also, George! Quit calling me a racist.

I'm actually a civil rights leader for whites.

Anyway my beloved, this is all for now.

Enjoy Halloween , where ever you are or go.

Take care and all the best.

Ed.

The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.

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Dear Editor, I hear the Ice Bucket Challenge is not going particularly well in Africa.

Bob. Bigastro.

You cruel bastard. Where are they going to plug the fridges in, for the ice?

Ed. Dear Editor, So Serena and Venus Williams have come out and admitted they are considering sex changes. I'm not one to judge, if they want to live as women, let them.

P.S. I really enjoy your mag.

Gary. Liverpool.

I am pleased you like our little piece of depravity. By the way, where did you steal a copy of our magazine from?

Ed. Dear Editor, At 5.5", the new iPhone will be longer than the dicks of 50% of the men who own one.

Don. Playa Flamenca.

I bow to your superior knowledge.

Ed.

bread, so I raised my glass and said "Here´s to bread".

Graeme. Rioja.

No you don’t. You are just well brought up.

Ed. Dear Editor, There's a lot of unfunny jokes in “the jester” magazine and I think I know who's to blame...

Christopher Columbus.

Brendon. Alfaz.

I agree. And why does he wear that bloody stupid beige raincoat all the time. Even when it’s sunny.

Ed.

Dear Editor, I think I have a drinking problem.

My wife asked me to toast the

To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Paul: 664 10 60 10 or Graeme: 966 764 403 Please send your letters, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook.

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These TV ads saying 'slavery is closer than you think' are rubbish. There's no information on where I can get one.

Good to see Professor Stephen Hawking not wimping out of the Ice Bucket Challenge. He's recovering well in an airing cupboard in a tub of rice.

know if I can carry on.

The only person I can talk to is you.

Love Greg.

Dear Greg, Ginger?! Don't fucking contact me again.

Why are Southampton nicknamed The Saints?

Because all their players have gone to a better I took a girl home from a place. club last night. As we got I was reading about this inside my house I said, woman in Devon. She "You'll be walking funny lived for a whole week tomorrow." "Ooooooh" in a flat with her dead she smiled, "Have a big husband. She realized dick do we?" I locked the he was dead just after she door and said, "No, I'm said, " ... and that was my going to cut off your feet." day. How was your day?"

Dear Diary, I was in a pet shop when I Things are really bad at noticed a Muslim with the school. I'm being bullied most amazingly coloured even more than before. parrot perched on her They call me ginger twat shoulder. "Where did you and ginger pubes. I don't get that from?" I asked.

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"Luton!!!"... There's fuckin' thousands of em!" said the Parrot.

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it in side.

During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".

The CIA have nominated ISIS, Al-Qaeda and Boko Haram for the ASL Ice Bucket Challenge. Or waterboarding, as it was once known.

Isn't it a bit homophobic to have one-way streets in a Gay Village?

The only surprise Manchester United will spring on us this season, is if one of them catches Ebola.

I'm not saying I hate Piers Morgan, but if I had a glass of water and he was on fire, I'd glass him.

My elderly Gran is really disgusting. I found a dildo in her house. And from the taste of it, she also obviously sticks it up her arse.

year it cost me £20.

That's inflation for you!

My bad hearing is getting me into a lot of trouble.

If a male pilot works in I thought my girlfriend a cock pit, where does a asked me to cum on her female pilot work? Don't tits. She actually asked be stupid, women can't fly me to pass the gravy to planes! her Dad. I was recently asked about My girlfriend was really my views on euthanasia. shouting at me. "Listen I said they all look the babe, don't get angry, get same to me. even", I suggested. "And Two years ago, I could've how do I do that!", she bought a tyre for £6, this demanded. "I'll let you

finger MY sister". I replied.

The Great British Bake-off has improved my cooking no end. I'd rather spend time in the kitchen than watch that shit.

Why are people offended by the word Paki ? Surely the words fucking that comes before it and twat that comes after it are more offensive!

Bought some of those luminous condoms the other day, the missus was pleased, her face lit up!

Why did Jordan called her kid 'Bunny'? She's that thick she thought her rampant rabbit was the father.

I've got a 69 problem.

My girlfriend’s a midget.

What does a Muslim call a 9 year old girl with a bacon sandwich?

A dilemma.

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in Bradford tomorrow.

I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever", I said. "Sorry", said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish." "Fine", I said, "Then I want to die when England win the World Cup." “You crafty bugger!" said the fairy.

In the event of a nuclear war, the only things that Me and my mate were masturbating to will survive are the cockroaches. some hardcore dinosaur pornography.

Which means Britain should still Unfortunately, my mothersaurus. have a functioning government.

The attractive girl sat opposite me and smiled, "Well," she said. "I like to go out Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough to eat, I love going to the cinema and taking my two dogs for long walks. How television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is now being shown 5 do you like to spend your weekends?" times a week.

I stared at her for a few moments. "Is this your first time as a volunteer prison If I was a Man Utd fan, I would just give visitor?" up right now and support a team from my own country.

Been to the Doctor's today for my immunisation jabs so I can go shopping What's the difference between Ebola and the ice bucket challenge? Both are spreading like wildfire, but Ebola's the only one you'll get in Africa.

I just found out public wanking is illegal in Iceland, so I'm going to try Asada.

Someone left a carrier bag outside my front door so I opened it up. You learn something new every day. I never knew Sainsburys sold dog shit.

I've had the shuts today. Problems with my vowels.

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days Thursday, Friday, Happy Days The weekend comes, the cycle hums 6

years old!"

There's only one thing worse than pulling the shrivelled, torn condom from an Essex girl's vagina.

Knowing you weren't wearing one to begin with.

This afternoon a bloke walked up to me in the middle of the street and said, "Hello sir, are you a Homo?", to which I punched him in the face… He then got up, wiped the blood from his nose and continued to say, "...ner?"

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

Shake like a Fox. I don't know why the wife is so mad with me, I'd have been delighted to come home early and find her in bed with another woman.

My horse bit me when I was feeding him. He usually just nibbles with his lips, but I won't be strapping a carrot to my dick again.

I remember I used to have Multiple Personality Disorder… But I was a completely different person back then.

Some swine's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.

She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

It’s always a great relief when you're on an aeroplane with a bunch of Muslims and they all start filling out immigration cards.

I woke up this morning to find my wife's breasts all over the papers.

And halfway across the kitchen counter.

There was a fancy dress party in my local pub last night. I ended up playing pool with a guy who was dressed as an owl. When taking his shot his wing rubbed against one of the balls so I said ; "two hits" He replied "two hits to who?"

I was telling my colleague how my wife is divorcing me after she caught me wanking over naked pictures of Jennifer Lawrence. "Fucking hell!" he replied.

"That seems an extreme reaction". "I know. I mean the photos are like 20

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

You don't need to go to University to suffer massive expense and boring lectures hung over after late nights.

Just get married.

You wouldn't have thought that Schumacher and Pistorius would have that much in common, but neither has much of a say in what gets put in their mouths for the next few years.

On the news: "Obama administration to assign 3000 troops to fight Ebloa virus in West Afica." Yeah good idea Barack, go and fucking shoot them all, I would.

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After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

I saw two Egyptians making out in the park yesterday so I shouted "get a tomb!"

I went to the library earlier and took out a book on Kleptomania.

How many 70's TV presenters does it take I only go for a piss every Life's really too short to change a light bulb? seventh day Doctors say to worry about infinite None. The prison staff I've got a week bladder. time travel possibilities. do it for them.

My best mate Gavin died You could get hit by a Katie Price has called bus last week.... this morning of severe her baby Bunny. Nice heartburn. I can't believe If the 72 virgins last for it. Gav is gone. all eternity, I wonder what bit of meat to go with the vegetable that she A man who gives another a million-year old virgin already has. man a blow job is fucked would look like?

"Katie Price in labour for in the head.

I have an idea for a TV over eight hours with baby show it’s a 2 men pissing I was in bed with a girl bunny."I'm not surprised. competition. I call it "The and she rolled over and That's one hell of a warren Great British Shake-Off". whispered in my ear, "I to find your way out of. want you to fuck me so I want a fun funeral. So Mel B giving singing advice badly". So I came after 10 the invite is going to say on the X-Factor? Bit rich seconds. I love playing to 'Hawaiian themed'. But, considering the only talent my strengths.

I'm only going to send to ever come out of her I think I must masturbate that invite to one guest. mouth is Eddie Murphy's too much. I can barely get dick.

In a new study, New my porn mags shut.

Scientist Magazine reports I was so busy yesterday that men over 5'9" are my smart phone had 75% twice as likely to cheat on battery left at the end of their partners. Whereas the day. men under 5'9" are twice Studies have shown that as likely to cheat on forms where you have to enter Essex officially has a your height. zero Muslim population.

Apparently they've all Last year my wife realised there's fuck-all committed suicide chance of finding 40 because she believed I virgins. was more interested in So a black couple have my new iPhone than her. had a white baby, genetic It's something I can never experts baffled! I think I forget. It was autumn. can work it out for them, Sorry, awesome. Damn they clearly stole it. auto-correct.

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My wife thinks I'm brilliant in bed. Apparently, I don't snore.

"Is it normal to get a hard on in the shower sir?" I asked my games teacher.

"Yes, perfectly normal." He replied. I said "Would you at least stop rubbing my back with it please?"

President Obama said today that he will continue to hunt down I.S. terrorists. The UK Police Chief said today that he will continue to hunt down parents who take their children for better treatment elsewhere.

I forgot to take one of my antibiotics today. Now I'm shitting myself in case Southampton Hospital issues an international arrest warrant for me.

My dad called me into the living room so he could show me the nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence. I said, "Dad, she's a fat white blob." "Oh, sorry," he replied, wiping it off the screen.

"There you go."

Council officials in Rotherham have announced that measures will be put in place to try to prevent Gangs of randy asians from preying on children. From Monday Goats and donkeys will be tethered in all public parks.

A poll showed 87% of women like to yell out instructions during sex. And 79% shout instructions while men are driving.

Apparently, in both cases, it's, "Slow down! You're going the wrong fucking way!"

What type of grapes do Indians like?

Gangrapes.

I couldn't give a shit about empathy.

Never put the 'F' where the door is.

I don't think Mr. Salmond had this in mind for his ad campaign.

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Having a beard is a lot like having a penis. If you have one, you're definitely going to end up stroking it all the time.

What's the difference between a Pakistani home and the Sahara desert? Showers have been reported in the Sahara.

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When I get home, I usually take off my trousers, take a deep breath and let out a massive fart like a racehorse.

Unfortunately, that's not what the interviewer meant when she said, "Make yourself at home".

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the maths, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the

death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked, "Would you let me fuck you for fifty pounds?" "Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said, "Would you let me fuck you for five million pounds?" After a brief pause, the woman replied, "Yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper. A few minutes later the man asked, "Would you let me fuck you for five pounds?" "Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now.

"What kind of girl do you take me for?" "We've already established that," replied the man. "Now we're just haggling over the price!"

My dog stinks, can't stand being bathed, shits wherever he wants, shags the puppy next door even though she hasn't even had her first season and attacks everyone. I call him Mohammed.

Wedding cake‌ 11

If a tree falls in the middle of the forest and lands on my husband. Who is going to mow the lawns and take out the rubbish?

I awoke this morning to find my pussy completely swollen, itchy, and covered in a horrible rash. I must be allergic to peanut butter.

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters, but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Mr. Schwartz is dead!'

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Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Lord give me Coffee to change the things that I can change, and Wine to accept the things that I can't.

A recent science journal has reported that women have two, not just one 'time of the month' when they become over sensitive, moody and emotionally unstable. Morning and night.

12 A

If a Muslim gets on a train, then another three, then two get off, then four more get on and then another gets off, how many Muslims are left on the train? Fuck knows. I got out of there the minute the first one boarded.

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I went on a lads night out with my Pakistani neighbor last week. At the end of the night, he suggested that we grab a takeaway on the way home. "I'm up for that" I said. "Do you you want to go to the Indian or the Chinese"? "Well I was thinking more along the lines of the orphanage" he replied.

My son was feeling down, after yet another failed job interview. "Look son, think of yourself as Van Gogh."

I comforted. "Everybody told him he could never be an artist because he only had one ear. But do you know what he said to that?" "What?" "That's right."

I was ice-skating today just minding my own business when I noticed some big fat bird kept giving me the eye.

Eventually she came over. "Hi there, I'm a bit shy I'm not very good at breaking the ice," she laughed. "Have you tried jumping?" I asked.

My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now." Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born?"

"No," I replied. "I've got his girlfriend pregnant."

I saw two gays making out in the park recently: "Ohhh, yeah, we should have a baby" said one. "Yeah, we really should" replied the other. "Jesus lads" I sighed, "get a womb."

Manchester United are fast becoming the Katie Price of English football. They keep needlessly spending a fortune to boost what they've got up front and invariably get fucked at the back.

I see Ryanair is now charging £10 for a blanket and pillow. Well, at least you can get a good solid 8 hours sleep while you're waiting on the runway.

When I first met my now ex wife, my friends tried to warn me that she was a bit of a slag. Of course, I ignored them all and even permanently fell out with a few. I was blind to the fact as I was working nightshifts to pay for our new house, she was busy fucking the bloke from the corner shop. It was two years before I found out and we had a terribly messy split. I have to admit, I've certainly learned my lesson. I'll never live near a shop again.

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Fuck the Ice Bucket challenge, I'm starting the Cigarette Burn challenge.

It's when you nominate someone to put cigarettes out on their lips and genitals to raise awareness about herpes.

After reading about Paul Ross and his cheating scandal, it is really refreshing and gives hope to the rest of us who make mistakes as his wife tells her story of forgiving him and sticking by him, from the garden .... in their million pound mansion!

So someone on 4Chan has released hacked nude photos of celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence, the Olson twins and Mila Kunis. On the one hand, this is a disgraceful invasion of privacy but, on the other hand...well, that hand is busy.

George Galloway has been left bruised after being punched by a man in Notting Hill. A police spokesman says they have narrowed their list of suspects down to thirty million.

I walked into the bathroom whilst David Cameron is to stop UK born my teenage daughter was masturbating. jihadists from returning to the UK. When I say walked in, it was more like They'll just have to use a lorry from hiding in the shower.

Calais like the rest of them.

Paul Ross has admitted fucking a man David Cameron has raised the security alert to 'Severe'. Advice to terrorists for a year, sucking drugs off his face wishing to remain undetected: Travel and dogging in a car park near his around Europe with six children, one home. When asked what he was most in a wheelchair, where your vehicle's embarrassed about, the married father make, colour and registration number of four said, "I still work for the BBC." are known to the authorities and you'll Yahoo news carries the headline 'Baby remain completely invisible. born to woman in coma'. All these Just ÂŁ3 will buy water and food for a years women have been claiming that family in Africa. But don't let your heart childbirth is the most difficult and painful rule your head. Tesco are doing 4 Stella thing in the world. Turns out that you for ÂŁ2.99. can actually do it in your sleep.

Two women called at my door and I was just about to have sex with the asked what bread I ate, when I said wife last night when I naughtily suggested white they gave me a lecture on the we try the other hole for a change. she benefits of brown bread for 30 replied, WHAT? AND END UP WITH minutes. I think they were those A HOUSE FULL OF BLOODY KIDS. Hovis Witnesses.

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A news report says that paedophiles are to be educated to control their urges. What a brilliant idea, send paedophiles to school.

With the new Apple Watch, you only have to pull your hand out of your pocket to let everyone know that you're a prick.

As a moving-in present, I gave my new neighbour Winston a complete set of antique pillowcases, from 1870. All with original eyeholes.

was heard saying: "My dad's bigger than your dad."

So Kate Middleton is pregnant again, only a year after having George.

I woke up this morning Clearly she hasn't let and my dick was about William have anal yet. the size of a baby's finger. I don't mean to brag but I God knows what's just finished a 14 day diet happened but I've in 2 hours and 14 minutes. never seen it so swollen.

I've noticed that there's a I needed to go shopping. shocking amount of sex on Sponges, tea leaves and TV these days. Especially fruitcakes. Are just some when the wife's gone out. of the shoppers in Aldi.

What is long, black and What do you hear at a dangerous to cut into?

Muslim strip show? 'Get The queue at KFC. um it off, let’s see ya face!' If you get on a plane these So Michael Schmacher is days you're not allowed to going home!.... He'll come take shampoo, deodorant, in useful for keeping all the toothpaste, liquid soap ... families windows clean.

And I'm thinking, "Aren't A father from Northern they the very things a Ireland has been convicted Muslim wouldn't be carrying anyway?" of making his 7 year old son threaten another man.

It's reported that the kid 16

ÂŁ900 pound for an iPhone 6? Airplane mode better take me on fucking holiday for that price.

The Judges break lasted quite a while in the Oscar Pistorius trial. How long do bank transfers take in South Africa?

What's the best way to avoid getting dog shit on yourself? Use a condom.

What's the definition of necrophilia? Cracking open a cold one!

What do you call a racist in an armchair? Dad. I don't know why people keep getting worked up about immigration.. All my neighbours are English All the kids in the local school are English All the local shops are owned and run by English people I love it here in Spain.

Daily Mirror:

idea for his 'Sticky Fingers ' themed restaurant.

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I'm very skilled at shooting aliens this way.

Paris Hilton confirms that no nudes were leaked of her but if you text her If you throw your tip at she’ll send you some. a waiter or waitress, is that considered gratuitous BBC News: Dog reunited with violence? owners after rescue I thought I'd joined on from Cliff. to the back of a conga Dirty Bastard. crossing the road. But apparently it was a guy I asked my mum helping his elderly father. why I don't know

Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person's confidence. But nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.

My wife's heart is in the right place. It's her arse and her face that's the wrong way round.

The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.

I successfully predicted the lottery last night. I predicted I'd win fuck all.

I often wonder where ex rolling stones bass player Bill Wyman, famed for dating a teenage school girl in the eighties, got the

Typical end to a bank holiday weekend , warm but soaking. I hate it when My new girlfriend said she I piss the bed. only does M&S shopping. I saw a bloke earlier That's when I discovered walking along with a she's dyslexic and has a guide dog. I don't know massive range of whips, why, he can't be blind. chains, strap-ons and He wouldn't need those handcuffs. sunglasses on if he was.

I came home from work With great penis comes today and said to my wife, the great responsibility.

"I'm taking you to a hotel It's not surprise sex. tonight and I'm going to It's a struggle fuck your brains out". snuggle.

"What about the kids?" she asked. "Ok, but I'll do them after". my father. She said, "Because he was wearing a balaclava."

I was spooning my wife earlier.

There's no way I'm touching that thing with my hands.

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again by the time she's unrolled her tits.

A Paki on the bus saved my life. He smelled that bad, I got off before he blew it up.

After America bombs ISIS, it will change its name to WASWAS.

The wife said she's leaving me because she's sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me.

If you're wondering why she's typed 'everything' in capitals, it's to emphasize the point.

look under the sofa but wasn't really bothered, so my wife told me to look harder. I've shaved my hair and bought a new Nike tracksuit, but I still can't find it.

When you are dead, you don't know you are dead.

It's pain only for others.

It's the same thing when you are stupid.

I thought when my wife went from forty stone to just ten in less than two months, that would be the end of my erection problems. But I'm flaccid

My R.E teacher told The World Sheepdog me that the Bible was Trials begin today. Is there something to draw on anything that British police in times of sadness. So I won't get a warrant for? did Jesus with a big willy.

I decided to treat my wife to a new pair of jeans today, but she went mental. She gave me such a bollocking for daring to think she was anywhere near a size 26. She was still fuming, lying on the floor trying to get her fucking arse into them.

I lost my wedding ring yesterday. Had a brief

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My mate is half cast.

Which means he's 50% black and 50% not guilty.

A lot of people are surprised when I tell them my age. Especially when I whisper it to them from under their bed.

Dear Married Women, We know how much you value your sex toys, so we've decided to start using sex toys too. However, we call them names such as 'your sister', 'your best friend' and 'the neighbour with the cracking set of tits'.

Yours Sincerely, Married Men.

Wendy was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes, and Wendy was among them. The police took them outside and lined them up along the driveway when, suddenly, Wendy's grandma came by. Grandma asked "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Wendy told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself" and proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry!"

A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train, next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned�, Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged

the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry.

I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A man walked into a cafe, goes to the bar and orders a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one pence please.' 'One pence?' the man exclaims. He glances at the menu and asks: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'2 pence,' the barman replied. '2 pence?' exclaims the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replies: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asks: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replies: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

When in Rome do as the Romans do.

I'm in Rotherham next week. I can't fucking wait!

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boyfriend home today and took him up to her bedroom. "Keep your door open, young lady" I called up the stairs. If she has sex I want to be able to watch.

I saw a man and a dog earlier sitting in a dirty doorway in town, with a sign saying 'HOMELESS. PLEASE SPARE SOME CHANGE FOR FOOD AND WATER'.

I said "You know, it would be a lot easier if you only had one mouth to feed. You should get him put down" "I know, but I like the way he strokes me behind my ears" the dog replied.

Following the huge amount of publicity generated by the celebrity nude photo's leak.. Katie Price has changed her password to 1234567.

I didn't have sex with my fat wife last night because once again, she 'had a headache'. She banged her head on the bedside table as I was fighting her off me.

THE latest instalment of the Grand Theft Auto video game is to be released soon with added game play which allows you to join gangs, bribe police/council officials and rape children. GTA Rotherham is expected to be on the shelves in early November...

Black man: My wife is like molasses.

Dark, sweet and satisfying.

Frenchman: My wife is like a fine wine. Light and delicate but full-bodied.

Yorkshireman: My wife's like a local brew. Murky, not much head and bitter to taste.

Last night I saw this Pakistani girl ordering the same drink as me. JD and coke. I said," I see we've got something in common," as I raised my drink. She said, "What's that then?"

"A moustache." I replied.

Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised? They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off.

Paddy climbs up to the top board of the swimming baths with a large fish under his arm. Murphy shouts up, "What you gonna do with that?"

Paddy replies, "Triple somersault with pike."

My neighbour said he found it difficult to empathise with the homeless. So I burned his house down.

My 14 year old daughter brought her 20

A seven year old Welsh boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child Custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly

Why retirees a so happy.

believes are not capable of beating anyone.

I was on an online dating website yesterday. "Which do you prefer, McDonald's or Burger King?" I asked her. "And be careful, your response will determine whether I continue talking to you or not..." "Ohhhh I'm nervous now" she giggled "But for me, it's Burger King".

"Bye then" I replied. "The correct answer would've been neither, Fatty".

Bored of sitting on your hand till its numb to make it feel like someone else is wanking you off? Then why not try sitting on your knob, to make it feel like you're wanking off some one else. Alternatively, for the voyeurs amongst you, sit on your hand and your knob, so it feels like watching someone wanking someone else off...

When I got home last night my wife demanded I take her somewhere expensive. So I took her to a petrol station.

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ALOHA ARCHIPELAGO BEACHES CANOEING COFFEE GRASS SKIRT HAWAIIAN HONOLULU HULA HUMPBACK WHALES ISLANDS

KAHO'OLAWE KAUA'I KAYAKING KONA COAST LANA'I LUAU MACADAMIA NUTS MANTA RAYS MAUI MOLOKA'I NAPALI COAST

NI'IHAU NORTH SHORE O'AHU PACIFIC OCEAN PEARL HARBOR PINEAPPLES RESORTS SAND SCUBA DIVING SNORKELING STATE

SUGARCANE SURFING TOURISTS TROPICAL UKELELE VACATION VOLCANOES WAIKIKI WAIMEA BAY WARM WHALE WATCHING

Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid.

The remaining 48 letters spell a secret message. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details.

The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck.

22

The wife would like us to feel a gentle and relaxing breeze all over our bodies when we have sex. I'm not a fan.

Not very keen on the hedgehog curry the wife made for dinner today.

It was a bit too spiky for my liking.

I caught my neighbour looking through my window earlier while I was having a wank. I invited her inside but she refused and just looked at me, disgusted. In the end I just rolled up the window and drove off.

I don't like it when my girlfriend makes a lot of

noise during sex. I'm scared the wife is going to hear us one of these days.

If these people who sell the Big Issue smarten themselves up a bit, they might My mum ran off with the milkman when sell a few more copies. Christ, half of them look like bloody tramps!

I was eight years old. Watching them drive away on his float were the worst My dad lent me a picture of Scarlett three hours of my life.

Johansson naked, which I've been using to wank to. But when I told my mates I'd I don't know what my wife is most been masturbating to my dad's picture, upset about today. The fact that she they all thought I was sick. Weirdos. caught me getting a blow job from her mother or the fact that her mother I'm on trial for the murder of 6 black died during her sleep last night. men next week. I really hope I get the

23

We at “the jester” received this photo and statement.

We do not know if this photo is real.

But if it is, this man should be ashamed of himself.

Here is a photo of a person, not a man. Who should, in my opinion, be tried as a traitor to this country and its people! This bloke takes the biscuit in just about every way I can think!! What a total arse hole. Ex British Prime Minister Tony Blair poses with a dead soldier.

Respect for the dead soldier? Respect for the Union Flag?

I don’t think so.

24

Rotherham Council reports that 4 8 teachers were arrested last year on charges of having sex with pupils.

Psychologists say this situation is emotionally devastating for those kids who got picked last.

Murdoch has said today that page three is old fashioned. I agree its about time page three girls got their snatch out as well.

I see "Jaws" has died in California, aged 71. I am no expert on nature but that's fucking old for a shark.

Oscar pistorius gets found not guilty of murder. I bet that's put a spring in his step.

Oscar Pistorius is getting his murder charge dropped, but he will be unable to race in the next Paralympics.

Because he'll be pissing himself with

laughter when the gun goes off.

"Oscar Pistorious gets off on 9/11."

Sick bastard.

The Royal and Ancient Golf Club has voted in favour of allowing women members for the first time in its 260 year history. A spokesman said, 'For years we have denied women entrance, and frankly the place now needs a bloody good Hoovering'.

A girl came up to me in Next and said, "Excuse me, I'm not holding my breath but do you have this dress in a size 16?"

I replied. “Sorry I don’t work here. But you will need to do more than hold your breath to fit into a size 16 fatty”.

I managed to get two fingers up my arse today. My girlfriend keeps buying that cheap toilet paper.

25

26

A bloke goes into a gun shop, and asks for a gun. The gunsmith asks, "What's it for mate?" The bloke says, "Oh, its just for shooting some cans in my garden." The gunsmith says, "Okay, you can have a small rifle for just shooting cans." The next day, the bloke returns to the shop and asks for a machine gun. The gunsmith says, "Bloody hell, what sort of cans are you shooting at?" The bloke says, "Oh, Americans, Africans, Jamaicans and Mexicans."

"So, what's your story then?" My date asked. "Been married, kids?" "Well I used to be." I said. "No kids and my wife passed away. She drowned." "Oh my god, I'm so sorry." She gasped.

"Recently?" "Quite recent." I replied.

"My sleeves are still wet."

A new drug being tested to combat the Ebola crisis in West Africa has been a success. A scientist commented that the side effects of dark hair covering the body and an insatiable desire for bananas has had no impact on daily life.

Magazine New Scientist reveals that the average fast-food chicken nugget is almost 60 percent fat. They also reveal that the average Scouser is almost 60 percent chicken nugget.

For thousands of years, human beings have milked cows and consumed the milk. It just makes you wonder: who actually discovered that cows could be milked and what was he TRYING to do?

I've given up trying to understand my wife: first she texted me and said: "I'm doing tea for 7, see you later x". Then she had a go at me when I turned up with five mates.

Reflecting back upon my relationships, I suspect that some of my girlfriends were aliens based upon how often they tried to anal probe me during sex.

I broke down into inconsolable floods of tears at my obese wife's funeral.

She'd have fucking loved that buffet.

How many teenage girls does it take to change a light bulb? Eleven. One to change the light bulb and ten to each take 200 photos of it for Facebook.

I was watching a gay horror film last night. It really put the willies up me.

27

I saw my fat daughter taking 2 jumbo sized cucumbers into her bedroom. By the sounds of it she's really loving her new diet.

After nearly twenty years of continuous bullying over her obesity, my wife could take no more and poisoned my half of a pizza one Saturday night. Six months now she's been in a coma, the Greedy. fucking bitch.

When your phone goes off in your pocket and you think your popular then you realise it was dominoes and that your fat and alone.

My wife was horribly sick in hospital with a nurse to look after her, when the doctor pulled me outside, and said, "She's not dealing with this well. I want you to go in, take her hand, and let her know you're there for her." I asked, "If I gave her a big kiss, do you think it would help?" He said, "There's no harm in trying." I then asked, "And what if I grabbed her arse, and slipped my cock in her mouth?" He said, "Do you really think she'd appreciate that?" I replied, "She's your fucking nurse, you tell me!"

Why is it that when I stand next to the bed and masturbate it's seen as 'creepy' and 'weird' on my part but not rude on her part for being asleep while I'm cumming.

bird Julie up in the pub last Friday?" he snarled. "I'm not sure mate what does she look like?" I asked. "That's her" he said handing me a photo. "It wasn't me mate," I replied "I only had five pints last Friday"

If you have a lisp, don't expect to be taken seriously when you tell people you are an assassin.

Following the disappearance of my wife I filed a Missing Persons report with the Police. They asked for an item of her clothing to assist with the search so I handed them a pair of her knickers. T wo hours later, and with the use of tracker dogs, the search seems to center around the local fishmongers.

My daughters not the brightest. I told her never to accept a lift home from a man she doesn't know. Six hours she's been stood at that bus stop now.

I asked my Doctor for Viagra. "Having trouble achieving full erections?" he asked. "Only the ones meant for my wife." I replied.

Premature Ejaculation: The Movie.

Coming soon.

I was in bed with my girlfriend last night when she whispered in my ear, "Let's have sex and pretend I'm only 15". It was great, but what a strange fetish for a 10 year old to have!

I was walking down the street earlier when this guy approached me "Oi, are you the Muppet that was chatting my 28

I've just found that my Wii remote doesn't work if you take it out of the sync region. Much like my wife.

A man staying at a hotel removed a card offering sexual services from a nearby phone box. Back in his hotel room he rang the number and a woman I've not seen a single Paki do the ice with a silky soft voice asked if she could bucket challenge It's not that they're be of assistance. "Yes" he said. "I'd like against charity, it's just having a wash a doggie in bondage gear, leather, PVC, that they're not so keen on. whips, the lot. And then some hardcore Having a loads of diseases isn't bad, spanking, rounded off with a blow job. as long as hypochondria is one of them. What do you think?" The woman said, "That sounds really good and I'd like to People are complaining about their oblige, but if you press 9 first you'll get iPhone batteries, saying how can they invent all these things but still have a shit an outside line." battery life. Well if you follow these two Thick walls. Plenty of space. Naked simple steps, you are guaranteed to have kids. No consequences. Carlsberg a battery life that is 10 times or maybe don't to homosexual paedophile rapist even 15 times longer. colonies with an unlimited supply of 1) Put the phone in your pocket. virgin boys. But The Church does.

2) Leave it there.

I was in the dentist's chair earlier.

Simple.

He said, "I've got some good news A few weeks after having an operation, I and some bad news." "What's the good saw my doctor about my convalescence. news?" I asked. "You have perfect teeth."

"What have you been doing?" he asked. He replied. I said, "And the bad news?"

"Just sitting around all day, drinking tea, He said, "Your gums have got to come surfing the internet, texting my mates," I out." said. He got angry and said, "I told you not to return to your job at the council I once donated some sperm. The man shaking the Charity bucket didn't seem offices for at least two months." to impressed though.

Amazing this government would I've been dating a girl who insists I allow a referendum that may see the carry her everywhere. I think I’ll have UK lose 5 million of our kin. The big to drop her. question now is when will they allow one on immigration so well can get I like dating black girls. That way I rid of 5 million foreigners? don’t have to meet their dad.

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Yet another funny person gone.

RIP Joan Rivers.

The family of Joan Rivers have announced that her funeral can't take place for two weeks. Next week is garden waste and plastic recycling isn't until the week after.

Joan River's family have passed on their instructions to the Crematorium performing the final ceremony to mark her passing. Remove from the box.

Pierce plastic several times with a sharp knife and cook at 1000W for 10-12 minutes and then allow to stand for 1 minute.

up'. I thought that's a right result for a women in her 80's.

If Joan Rivers gets recycled, you might actually be sharing a bottle of Coke with her!

I'm not saying that Joan Rivers was primarily plastic but‌ I bet if you pulled down her pants you'll find 'Made in Taiwan' stamped onto her arse.

Joan Rivers family have asked for people not to leave candles by the casket. "Although it's a moving tribute, we don't want to have to mop her up".

Joan Rivers was very slim but with the world currently recyclng all it can they On hearing of the death of Joan Rivers should at least get packet of condoms I think we should all keep a stiff upper out of her once she's been melted down. lip‌ It's what she would of wanted.

Jimmy Cliff annoyed Joan Rivers' family I was sad to hear about Joan Rivers years ago. He made it up with her, but but to be honest, she hasn't really won't be welcome at the funeral. He's been as good since Jim Henson died. got many Rivers too cross.

Joan Rivers died, how she lived. On her Joan Rivers died doing what she loved... back, with somebody jamming their tool Having surgery performed on her. into her throat.

It's not all bad news for the family of Joan Rivers is bringing out a new DVD. the late Joan Rivers. At least they won't Joan Rivers - "Unplugged". need an embalmer.

Mick Jagger will be attending Joan Rivers It's completely wrong that everyone is funeral, so he can get his lips back. saying Joan Rivers should be 'put in a Joan Rivers is like an Iceland lasagna. recycling bin'. Everyone knows you More plastic than meat and soon to can't recycle old plastic bags.

Doctors may not have been able to fix be put in the oven.

Joan Rivers this time. But a few years ago at least they guaranteed she'd die with a smile on her face.

Joan Rivers is dead. Hundreds of plastic surgeons mourn the loss of their jobs.

Good news.

Joan Rivers is off life support and out of intensive care.

When I first heard the news that the late Joan River's surgery had gone 'tits 30

The parents of Ashya King may well have escaped prosecution now for kidnapping their own child. But just wait till they get home and find they've been fined for him not attending school.

Oscar Pistorius. Showing the Scottish people you can be free, even though you're usually legless and assaulting women.

Police say they have no leads on who was responsible for beheading a woman in her garden in London. "Let's not jump to any conclusions," said an officer, "we have absolutely no idea of the identity of the Muslim responsible."

When I heard the news of a female comedian dying I hoped maybe it was Jo Brand. Then I remembered she's not funny. Or even Female.

40 years ago, Rupert Murdoch said "Topless Women sell newspapers."

Now, I've been in loads of sweet shops before and it's usually an old Asian bloke.

I was on a plane to Switzerland with my wife. Halfway through the flight, a man jumped out of his seat and pulled out a gun. "This is a hijack!" he screamed.

"If anyone makes a move, I'll kill 'em!"

My wife held my hand for comfort. I looked into her eyes, smiled, and then

pushed her into the aisle. The hijacker shot her in the head, before being wrestled to the ground by a couple of passengers. Everyone on the plane looked at me in disbelief at what I had just done. I said, "Before you ask, we were on our way to the Dignitas clinic for an assisted suicide, so I did us all a favour." After a few moments silence, an air hostess said, "Well... I suppose her suffering is over now. Was she in a lot of pain?" "No, she was fine," I replied.

"I'm the one who's dying. I just wanted one last laugh before I go."

What gets wet as it dries? My sister when I tell her I am going to her after she has finished the washing up.

I'm so lazy I only date epileptic women.

That way, I just insert my erection and wait.

I ditched my last girlfriend because she was a hooker. Her uppercut was pretty useful too.

SCOTLAND Your national dress is a skirt Your national flower is a weed Your national instrument is a bag of wind Your national dish is a bag of shit and you have the cheek to keep mentioning Morris dancing.

CHEECKY TWATS!

31

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video Dear Mr. Cameron, monitoring, so they could be helped Please find below our suggestion for instantly, if they fell, or needed fixing the UK's economy. Instead of assistance. Bedding would be washed giving billions of pounds to banks that twice a week, and all clothing would be will squander the money on lavish ironed and returned to them. A guard parties and unearned bonuses, use would check on them every 20 minutes the following plan. You can call it the and bring their meals and snacks to their Patriotic Retirement Plan: cell. They would have family visits in a There are about 10 million people suite built for that purpose. They would over 50 in the work force. Pay them have access to a library, weight room, £1 million each severance for early spiritual counselling, pool and education. retirement with the following Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and stipulations: legal aid would be free, on request.

1) They MUST retire.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an Ten million job openings. Unemployment exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. fixed.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio 2) They MUST buy a new British car. and daily phone calls. There would be a Ten million cars ordered. Car Industry board of directors to hear complaints, fixed. and the guards would have a code of 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay conduct that would be strictly adhered off their mortgage. Housing Crisis fixed. to. The criminals would get cold food, 4) They MUST send their kids to school/ be left all alone and unsupervised. college/university. Crime rate fixed Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a 5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of week. Live in a tiny room and pay alcohol/tobacco a week. And there's £600.00 per week and have no hope your money back in duty/tax etc. of ever getting out.

It can't get any easier than that!

Is it just me, or does anyone else find P.S. If more money is needed, have all it amazing that during the mad cow members of parliament pay back their epidemic our government could track falsely claimed expenses and second a single cow, born in Appleby almost home allowances. three years ago, right to the stall where If you think this would work, please she slept in the county of Cumbria? show this to everyone you know.

And, they even tracked her calves to Also……….. their stalls. But they are unable to locate Let's put the pensioners in jail and the 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering criminals in a nursing home. around our country.

This way the pensioners would have Maybe we should give each of them a access to showers, hobbies and walks. cow.

32

I'll never forget the time my dad caught me smoking in the garden.

As a punishment, he sat me down, and made me eat all 20 kippers.

If you could kick the person in pants, responsible for most of your troubles, you wouldn't be able to sit for days.

I was walking down the street earlier when this guy approached me "Oi, are you the Muppet that was chatting my bird Julie up in the pub last Friday?" he snarled. "I'm not sure mate what does she look like?" I asked "That's her" he said handing me a photo. "It wasn't me mate," I replied "I only had five pints last The bloke who released nude photos Friday". of celebrities from the cloud this week is admitting he's on the run. But apparently The wife and I decided to take an he's been given asylum by a shadowy organised trip to Afghanistan to see group ... known only as "Blokes". for ourselves what the place was like.

It didn't start well when the train we According to Psychology Today were traveling on, broke down a few magazine, women spend 12,000 hours miles North of the capital. What a third of their lives crying. Whereas blokes world shithole! Streets full of angry spend exactly the same amount of time bearded types glaring at us and the Mrs not knowing what the fuck they've done stood out in her sundress as all other wrong. women had head to toe burqas. We I left my car in a car park the other day, are so dead I thought. Anyway, Dave when I came back to it the bumper and the organiser suddenly remembered rear lights were all smashed up. Then I that Finsbury Park had a tube station, found this note under the wiper. It said: so we were able to get safely to Kings Cross and on to Kabul from Heathrow. I just accidentally reversed into your car.

Quite a few people saw me do it. They I've just read a report saying that think I'm leaving my name and details. the police are advising people to Well, I'm not. investigate crimes themselves. The My wife bought a tube of KY gel recommendations come off the back of tightening budgets which mean that from the chemists and I thought after there are insufficient funds to investigate all these years she was finally going to low priority offences such as vandalism, let me do her up the arse. I waited in criminal damage, or the systematic bed in anticipation and all I can say is, grooming and gang rape of hundreds it's a shit way of finding out your son of children in Rotherham. is gay.

33

aren't coloured - they’re shady.

Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their second child. So you know what that means.

Another nine months or her praying it doesn't come out ginger.

I see that Poundland are going to start selling Pregnancy Tests. For fuck's sake!

If you have to buy your Pregnancy Test from Poundland, it's probably because you bought your condoms there as well.

I was a nervous wreck when I woke up with a blood stained horse head on my pillow at 8 o'clock this morning. I was supposed to be at work at 7. 30.

A Canadian teenager has been sentenced to 300 hours of community service for kicking Justin Bieber in the bollocks. I thought that WAS community service.

Thanks to the Pistorius verdict, millions of South African women are shitting themselves. Instead of using a toilet.

I don't know why people are so impressed that one of the teenage characters in "The Inbetweeners" is played by a 29 year old. I regularly play a 14 year old girl on the internet despite being a 55 year old with a beard.

A Paki dies and goes up to heaven. He knocks on the gates and St Peter opens them and says, "What the fuck do you want?" "I am here for Jesus." says the Paki. St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here."

A primary school teacher spots that Johnny, one of her pupils, is clutching a cat. She inquires, "Johnny, why is your cat at school today?" Johnny, now in tears, replies, "I heard the postman telling Mummy 'when the kids go to school today, I'm going to eat your pussy'!"

Nigel Farage has asked the Queen to back the no vote in the Scottish referendum, like a load of work shy scrounges who get everything paid for

by English taxpayers are going to take the advice of UKIP.

A woman in India has given birth to a 23 pound boy. Doctors say they expect the kid to be walking 6 months before his mum.

In art class at school, I was taught that black is a shade, not a colour.

Which must mean that black people

I can't believe Oscar Pistorius even got arrested for what he did. I'm sure he isn't the first guy to follow his girlfriend to the toilet and shoot his load all over her.

I walk into a bar to kill time before my next bus and see a booth of people praying, how odd I thought until I realized they were all looking at their phones.

34

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? 12.

One to screw it in, One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination, One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination, One to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like", One to deconstruct the light bulb itself as being phallic, One to blame men for not changing the bulb, One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it, One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs, One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs, One to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians, One to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men, and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

playgroup to learn things is well out of order.

In the news: A Spokesman for Action for Children, says Britain is short of 9,000 foster carers. And that figure just keeps getting higher every day, what with all the convictions of celebrities and residents of Rotherham.

This bloke's been arrested for using his prosthetic leg to smuggle cocaine into Pentonville Prison. He admitted that the toughest part of the operation was getting the leg stuffed up his arse.

In view of America's decision to bomb Syiria. UK Government advises all British personal to leave Cyprus.

I can count the number of incestuous members of my family on one hand seven.

Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned. I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.

I mean, she's lucky it's only me wanking and not some pervert.

Peppa Pig cartoons have been banned in some Muslim countries, as they are considered offensive to Islamic culture.

An imam said, "We can tolerate the fact that she's a pig, but letting a female go to 35

Women: Prevent sexist workmen from shouting, "Get yer tits out!" by having them permanently on display.

That prick down the road has got his fucking wife pregnant again, that's another fucking mouth my taxes will have to feed as the twats have never done a day’s work in their life. Sometimes I hate living in Kensington.

boots? He’s just finding his feet.

about how far their bottle has travelled. I was really surprised to open one "The UK is the country the whole world wants to yesterday which read "Get be" so that’s why they all a life you total wanker". came here then. I thought I hate my job at Premier it was the free benefits.

Inn. No matter how many times we carry Lenny "Hey, Pirate Jack, what Henry out while he's do you think of that fat Looks like history is going bird over there? "Scurvy!" sleeping and dump him in to be made in October. the street he just won't They're not lying when When in South Africa a take the hint. they say how absorbent black is going to send a that Plenty kitchen roll is. I was arguing with my white man to prison.

I've had 5 wanks today and wife tonight because she Exciting news: Apple I'm still on my first sheet. reckons I pay her no have come out with a attention. "You spend all "What do you want to your time on Facebook watch that will make be when you reach 16" calls. This will be a great chatting to other women" said the teacher. A 12yr she complained "but you accessory for my iPhone old raised her hand. "A which I use to tell the never like my posts." grandma, Miss" said time.

"That's not true," I replied, Sunita, mother of 3. "what about when your The most frustrating thing mum died last year?"

Me and my mates were about this whole Oscar busy robbing this CD Pistorius case, is that if store when the cops he had been born with no arms this would never turned up. Dave grabbed all the pop CD's and ran have fucking happened.

My wife has been going to off. Steve grabbed the the gym and she is starting rock CD's and also ran to look that good that I've off. Dan grabbed the had to tell her sister that Jazz and followed suit.

I was forced to take the she'd better start to get rap. herself in shape.

Every weekend I drive to the coast to search for bottles washed up on the shore, which may contain a message from someone Hear the one about the in a far off land, hopefully metal-detector bloke who with a name and details wore steel toe-capped so I can contact them

"Schumacher home 9 months after accident".

Just like me when I was a baby.

36

The Korean government has condemned the arson attack on the Manchester dogs' home as "utterly reprehensible." Particularly when there are starving people in the world."

Cod and Parsley sauce for my wife's dinner. But, in the end, it was a lot easier to just put a fish finger in a used condom.

For me golf is a lot like women; if she isn't holding my wood, she should be holding an iron.

"I've finally worked up the courage to tell you how I feel."

She looked at me I went back to some girl's with eager eyes, last night. "Thanks for the licking her lips…. rough sex" I said to her in before I added: the morning". "What do "I feel hungry." you mean? I was really To speak in a South gentle" she replied. I said African accent, you "I know, but you’ve got just need to replace to admit, you look pretty A's with E's. For rough". exemple.

"Now that doesn't look Women with Parkinson's. like a foot". Thought the Snog, Marry, or just climb sock. on?

"They're benign" "Count 'em again Doc" says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten".

What do you call a black A pirate goes to the policeman on a bicycle? doctor, worried the moles COON... But only if your on his back are cancerous mode of transport is faster "It's ok" says the Doctor than his.

WE’RE ALL GOING ON A SUMMER HOLIDAY. What do you call four priests and a paedophile?

Five paedophiles.

Feeling romantic, I was going to buy one of those expensive fish 'boil in the bag' meals from M&S with

Why do Pakis fart? It’s the cheapest air freshener they can get.

What do you call a nosey Paki? Mustafa ghanda.

"Breaking News" The inventor of the Anagram has died.

May he "erect a penis".

37

38

Sober for October?

They can fuck right off.

There's more chance of me going gay for May.

help but think to myself "I bet he's shit at table tennis" What do you call a group of paedophiles and sex offenders at the seaside? The Radio One Roadshow.

A burglar, a car thief and an armed robber walk into a bar.

Tyrone, 22 from Liverpool!

My wife's kicking me out because she thinks I've started talking like Jim Mcdonald, so she does.

Heavy rains kill 73 in Pakistan. I guess even God couldn't stand the smell any longer.

I Said I'd buy my son some stuffing for his quilt. He wanted to come with me. Then his sister did too. So now I'm getting down with the kids.

This time of year Facebook is like the underwear section of the Littlewoods catalogue for paedophiles. Pictures of lots of children in their provocative new uniforms...

What do you do if you come across a Lion in the Jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.

I've never been pulled over for speeding. That's one of the benefits of having a 6 litre engine.

I hate it when I finish taking a shit at a restaurant only to find out there's no toilet paper, I had to end up using napkins! The couple at the next table were fucking horrified!

What's green, smells awful and gets lots of sex? Beats me, I found it decaying I was asked today if I had ever paid in an underpass. for sex. I replied "only emotionally".

I asked a pupil in my science class to name a light source earlier. The thick fucker said 'diet mayo'.

I think the wife must have lost a bit of weight lately.

She's just found a tattoo.

Surely The Samaritans should have fought for the domain name boohoo.com I've just seen a guy at the bus stop with no arms. I couldn't 39

A poll of people in London on Scottish independence has been released. 25% think Scotland should vote no to independence. 25% think Scotland should vote yes to independence.

And the rest of London don't give a fuck so long as they follow England towards being an Islamic state.

Think carefully, Scotland. Otherwise, I can hear chants of 'Go fuck yourself, Andy' ringing round Wimbledon next year.

Glad we've got David Beckham's opinion on Scottish Independence.

Just need Joey Essex's thoughts on fracking and that's Monday sorted.

You've got to feel sorry for the Westminster politicians at the moment.

At the same time they're up against a bunch of brutal extremists following a warped ideology of hate and division, hell bent on carving out their own nation whilst causing maximum destruction to other countries. And those Islamic State lunatics as well.

Sending David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband to convince Scotland to vote no in the referendum is a bit like asking Oscar Pistorius to kick a door down with his blades on...

I've got nothing against Scotland for wanting their independence. But, if you win, for fuck's sakes please take Lorraine Kelly with you.

Scotland is a bit like my Aunty at Christmas. Gets upset, threatens to leave, but give her some booze and she'll be sucking someone off in the 40

corner in no time.

Scottish oil? Who needs it? It's not as though we can't fry our own Mars bars, is it?

There was a further setback for the Scottish Independence campaign today.

The Loch Ness monster has stated he's relocating to the Lake District in the event of a Yes vote.

I asked Abdul next door if he thought Scotland should be independent. "Of course they should, " he said, "what right has a minority group living there got to try and make them live by their rules and culture. It's disgraceful."

If the 'yes' campaign wins the Scottish referendum , can we expect refugee camps in Dover full of Scots looking for a better life in Syria?

Pros and Cons of Scottish independence for the rest of the UK Pros: 1. longer average life span 2. Higher average sunshine hours 3. No more Scottish prime ministers 4 No more "legal tender" issues Cons:1 its going to be a long time before we win Wimbledon again.

How will Scotland survive if they have to give up the pound shops?

Dear Scotland, If you go, that's it. We don't want drunken phone calls in a few months saying what a huge mistake it was.

Regards, England.

the moment when you can take destiny into your own hands, cradle it like the precious, delicate egg that it is and walk forward with your head I've just been listening to Gordon held high with patriotic pride. This Brown addressing No supporters in isn't the first opportunity that you've Scotland. He'll be used to that.

How many Scots does it take to screw had for independence but it will probably be the last we see in our in a light bulb? None. From Thursday lifetime, don't squander it. One final they will be back to candles. thought: It may not happen for you Just beware of voting yes, Scotland. tomorrow. The campaign of fear, Once the yanks know you have oil and uncertainty and doubt peddled by the Muslims and you're not part of England cronies of Westminster may sway a anymore... small minority of voters but chances are, should you fail to achieve the required Scotland are like the lad who wants majority, it will be down to the fact that to leave the boy band and go solo. less than 50% of you know how to spell Give it a few years and he'll want to 'X' reform as he's skint.

The 18th of September 2014 has There has been a mass of Polish, been heralded as a unique day in heading to Scotland looking for Scotland's history. The vast majority something called "Hadrian's Wall". all of the population not only got up in were carrying buckets and a pointing the morning, but actually left the house trowel. to go somewhere other than the pub.

"They may take our lives... but they will According to the outcome of the never... take our... FREEEEEDOMM".

Scottish Referendum, 44.7% of Scots "Or our obesity, short life expectancy, are ungrateful fuckers. ...which is 55.3% domestic violence, alcoholism, fondness less than previously thought. for heroin, poverty or terrible diet Scotland's relationship with for that matter."

Westminster is like my wife's and I So if Scotland goes independent then it relationship. She constantly complains will affect a lot of countries in so many about the regime, yet, when I say she ways but one will be the Union flag as can fuck off she decides to stay. it's part of Australia and other countries.

So the Scottish vote 'NO'. There's a So does that mean Aus will have a surprise. Negative fuckers. kangaroo. Wales a leak and Scotland Dear Scotland, a thistle and England an Isis flag.

If you wanted more powers, you should On the eve of this historic referendum have voted yes. vote in Scotland, I would like to wish Too late now suckers! you all every success for the future my Lots Of Love, friends North of the border. Now is Westminster.

Hearing the independence vote is going to be incredibly tight. So definitely Scottish then..

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I'm sweating like‌ A coon at a Klan Rally A dyslexic on Countdown Neil Lennon's postman A paedo in a playground A fat man at a buffet A nun at a cucumber stall Gary Glitter in Mothercare A fat bird at a disco Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah A Muslim at passport control A blind lesbian in a fish market/sushi bar A nigger on a rape charge Vanessa Feltz on a treadmill Michael Barrymore at a pool party A gerbil in a gay bar A fat kid in a sweet shop A pregnant nun A Geordie in a job centre A dog outside a Chinese restaurant A priest at a boy-scout meeting Fred West's babysitter Michael Jackson on a bouncy castle Hitler at a Bar Mitzvah A Scouser watching Crimewatch A necrophiliac in a mortuary A Priest Watching CBBC Jade Goody trying to buy life insurance An American at a dietitian A racist in Bradford A Jew in a shower

A Scotsman at a charity fund raiser A Jew at a half price bacon sale A yank in a tower Peter Sutcliffe in a red light district A white man in London A car windscreen in Liverpool Ian Huntley at bath time An African child whose village is being visited by Madonna A ginger at a party A kid with a weekend invite to Neverland Gerry McCann in a game of Cluedo An undertaker visiting a cancer ward A ticking Muslim An Arab taking flying lessons A white guy eating a Milky Bar in Bradford.

An epileptic watching a strobe light A Scouser at a job interview Anne Frank when she plays her drums A blonde on a stuck escalator Wayne Rooney in an old folks home An Austrian girl in her dad's basement Madeleine McCann in Portugal Muhammad Ali in a 42

buckaroo competition An RBS employee sticking some paper through a shredder Joseph Fritzl at a family reunion A blind poof in a sausage factory Simon Weston at a barbecue A hooker in Ipswich A naked boy with a catholic priest A black man watching Crimewatch Michael J Fox playing Operation Rihanna when she hears, "Honey, I'm home!"

A French Man in a shower A Swiss man with a Machine that could destroy the fucking planet A Canadian near a seal A Women driving a car Harold Shipman in a retirement home Barack Obama In Alabama Gazza at Happy Hour Stephen Hawking with the runs Jill Dando trying to find the door key A Norwegian on an island Ryan Giggs watching his wife setting up a Twitter account A Muslim on a bus of nine year old girls The last Bee Gee like a Jimmy Savile in a morgue.

Has anyone else worked out yet, that all you need to do to halt the global spread of Islamic terrorism, is simply to stop the sale of Toyota pickup vans?

I checked the fridge, the microwave, desperately trying to think where I could have put it. I had a look in the oven even though I knew I couldn't I was watching TV with my Gran when have put it there. I went back to the bathroom, tears forming in my eyes a sex scene came on. Disgusted, she said, "Back in my day we wouldn't have (though I maintain that it was from the smell I left in there rather than allowed that." I asked, "Sex scenes?" my emotional trauma) to see if I might She replied, "No, shaven fannies." have taken it up with me. Next I rushed People call me Mr Compromise. Wasn't round my housemates' rooms trying to my first choice for a nickname, but I can find a potential thief, or failing that, at live with it. least getting some help on my search.

After half an hour of looking I came to At last the Muslim Council of Britain have condemned the abuse scandal in a stunning realisation... I could easily Rotherham. A leading Imam said "it is have made another sandwich in the time I had spent looking for it. In a completely absolutely disgusting and in no way unrelated matter, I have some advice for represents the Islamic faith, I mean some of those girls had nearly reached Kate and Gerry. puberty...

DON’T YOU JUST HATE STATIC ELECTRICITY These new mystery flavoured Walker's Crisps taste just like my wife's pussy.

At first I thought it was my imagination, but then I found out everyone in the pub agrees.

A file released by the government has shown that that MI5 used a agent called Fifi in world war 2 to seduce new recruits to see if they would spill the beans, over 80% failed! Which just goes to prove even when there is a war on, suck a mans dick and he will tell you anything you want to know...

I made a really great sandwich today, cheese, ham, tomato, a crisp lettuce leaf, garnished with whole grain mustard and coleslaw, all wrapped lovingly in a fresh baguette. Anyway, I left the room, for a few minutes (due to a fairly troublesome shit) and when I came back in it was gone. I was completely beside myself.

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BBC NEWS LATEST: Gandhi star Sir Ben Kingsley says "millions" touched by Richard Attenborough. Here we go again.

fucked in Milton Keynes last night...

At least small children will be grateful to Sir Richard Attenborough for making a film about their favourite nursery rhyme character, Goosy-Goosy.

Bloody Pakistani paedophiles! Why can't they integrate properly and become famous TV presenters before they start shagging kids?

Apparently the "British" man suspected of beheading James Foley is called Abdel-Majed Abdel Bary. That can't be right. Sounds like a Paki to me.

News on the BBC says that a Briton, Akmal Shaikh, faces execution in China.

But it's nothing to worry about, I've checked the pictures and he's definitely a Paki.

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

A Footballer in Algeria has died after having something thrown at his head from the crowd. Anyone have any ideas how we can get Robbie Savage out of retirement and shipped off to Africa?

Police have removed a large amount of material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard. Fingers crossed it's just child porn and not new music.

My daughter got sent home from school in Rotherham for saying something racist. "No." I saw Louis van Gaal tending to an injured baby deer at the side of the road. I said, "Fawn ill?" He said, "Fuck off!" you Nazi. (MK Dons 4 - Man U 0).

At least 1,400 children were sexually abused in Rotherham, a report has said today. And it seems another 11 got

Muslim soldiers waving Kalashnikovs about? Soft twats. Little girls have Uzis in America.

What's the difference between a primary school and brothel? None according to muslims.

It's the same thing every day when I drop my kids off at nursery. They start crying and whinging, and saying 'Daddy!

Daddy! Don't leave us!'. Fucking brats.

Child care in Rotherham costs a fortune.

The government have announced new measures to stop British Muslims traveling to Syria and Iraq to join ISIS. They're holding a school disco in Rotherham.

I’ve developed a meat from pigs that muslims can feel free to indulge in. The pigs are given drink and drugs, and put in a taxi and fucked by the driver. I call it Rother Ham. Louis Van Gaal has lost more matches than Michael J Fox trying to light a candle.

I've just bought a Manchester United away kit.. It's a box of tissues, 24 Prozac and the number for The Samaritans.

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REDBULL GIVES YOU FLAPS

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