Issue 58 November
Hello everyone how the hell are you? So that’s Halloween gone. Now all that’s left is Bon Fire night and then it will be Christmas. So we finally we have an end to the Oscar Pistorious case. Bloody hell it went on for ages. And that was just the verdict. Watching it, made me feel how Mandela must have felt all those years on Robben Island. It has been quite a sad month really. The savage beheading of Mr Alan Henning. Heart breaking. I will never understand the barbaric actions of these animals. Sorry, that is actually slur on animals. Unfortunately, the politicians will huff and puff, but in the end will do sod all. I think we all have to understand. That until we treat this sort of thing with equal no nonsense action, we will not beat them. Say what you like about Saddam, at least he kept this vermin in check. He would have slaughtered them. As should we. There was also the passing away of the gorgeous Lyndsey de Paul. I got the chance to meet her once, back in 1988. And she was as nice and as gracious as she was talented and beautiful. She will be sadly missed.
Our thoughts must also go to the many, who not only passed away this year, but have done over many years. We must remember all and any of our brave service men and women, who have given their lives for our freedom and safety. Don’t forget to buy a
Poppy.
We have a saints day again this month. Our Scottish friends will celebrate St Andrews day on the 30th. Have a wonderful celebration. Like you need encouraging. Until the Christmas issue. Take care. Ed.
The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.
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Dear Editor, here is a reason that Women will never be equal to men. I asked my girlfriend to record something for me on ITV2 +1. She recorded ITV 3. Burt. Orihuela. And I thought their driving was bad. Ed. Dear Editor, A man in China has attempted to rent out his girlfriend for £1 an hour in order to get the money to buy an iPhone 6. What a dickwillie, surely he should have charged £2 an hour and gone for an Apple Watch to go with it. Billy Mac. Fife. Spoken like a true Scotsman. Ed. Dear Mrs. Editor, Did you know, 14% of women can always tell when they are being lied to! That’s because all women are intelligent, perceptive, intuitive and have you lost weight? Dale. Mazaron. Mrs Ed is now in the corner crying, because she has just weighed herself and has put on 3 ounces. You insensitive sod. Bringing up her weight like that. Ed.
Dear Editor, Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like god came down and highlighted all the important parts. Rolf H. UK.. Will you never learn Rolf? Ed. Dear Editor, I saw a sign yesterday that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a little picture of the criminal and a number to call. I was bored so I rung them up and said, "No, I haven't." Jimmy. Luton.
To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Paul: 664 10 60 10 or Graeme: 966 764 403 Please send your letters, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook. 3
Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. Dynamo was filming one of his TV programmes in Africa when he saw a fly on the face of a little boy. He quickly grabbed the fly, shook it around in his hands and smugly produced a gold nugget. "Brilliant!" said his mum. "But now what's he going to have for his dinner?" My wife wanted to spice up our relationship with role play. She pretended to be a naughty schoolgirl and I pretended to be interested. I pay three grand for my wife to have a boob job, she was happy. I pay four grand for her to have a nose job, she was delighted. I treat myself to a ÂŁ30 hand job at the local brothel and she goes fucking berserk.
My mate Leroy told me that four men kicked the shit out of him. I said, "Did you phone the police?" He replied, "What for? Round two?" It may be a fact that pineapple does wonders for your semen. But the edge of the tin does fuck all for your bell end.
hid underneath the table. Eventually cost me my job at the abortion clinic though. Some bloke shouted at me today, "Are you a fucking prostitute?!" "Yes" I said "What other kind is there?"
I think bees teach us an important lesson. You may 5 years ago today I asked be small. You may be tiny. a beautiful girl out on a But when you're chasing date. Today at 3pm I somebody with a sharp asked that girl to marry object... People will still me. She said no both run away from you. times. Isn't it ironic how you You know you're getting ask for a woman's hand in fat when your wife wants marriage.. When it fact it's to cum on YOUR tits... your own hand you'll be using once you're married. What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhea? My wife is like my Bravefart. broadband service. Cheap, unreliable and My dog used to love insecure. But, doesn't me feeding him a few go down as often. unwanted scraps as he 4
I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park. We have two children: Experiment and Mistake. If my wife would've got pregnant with no. 3 we wanted to call him Shit. But it didn't happen. I'm not saying my wife's a lazy cow. But she only learned to drive so she'd have somewhere else to fucking sit down. It's my birthday today and, as a special treat, my wife has said I can have anything I want tonight. Her arse will be red raw tomorrow. Curry for dinner. As the police put the handcuffs on me, my
Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. mother said, "Dan, I've the prison sentence. It failed you as a mother." took less time. I said "Mum, my name is A girl I know posted on Derek." Facebook; "My toddler
Since my grandmother's funeral, I've had trouble getting the image of her dead, lifeless body out of my head. On the plus side, it's made sex with the wife a bit more bearable.
crawled under the garden fence! Getting nails and wood out tomorrow!" "I think crucifixion's a bit harsh."
I had sex for 3 hours last night and didn't cum. Four inmates and not fucking one reach around.
My solicitor told me if I apologise to all the girls I've raped, I would get my How many Germans does charges dropped. I chose it take to change a light bulb? One, they're efficient and they aren't very funny. Being a plumber I work in different homes every day and they usually offer me a cup of tea. Now I've noticed that Asians make a really nice cuppa. And blacks make a decent brew as well. So it's lucky that I work in Birmingham. My lawnmower died today. So I hired his brother Juan. 5
he replied. I said, "Nie ma zbyt wielu imigrant贸w w Londynie w tych dniach." He said, "You're right about that, Wojciech." My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once." At this, I interrupted and said, Actually Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. I can!" "Give me an examMy friend is scared of spiders and was ple," she replied. "Well, while I was fuckgetting really worked up, so I told him ing you last night, I was thinking about just to take a rest. That's the last time I your friend." go with him to our local snooker club. Romance is overrated in relationships. My mate got married yesterday. I asked By the time I've lit the candles, sprinkled him what he wanted as a present and he rose petals on the bed, composed a love said 'any Apple product would be great'. poem, dimmed the lights and put on a So I bought him a couple of tins of cider. Barry White album, she's normally I said to my neighbour, "I'll tell you managed to escape out the window. what," there's too many immigrants Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark living here in London these days." "I condoms? So gay Star wars fans could don't understand what you mean," have light sabre fights. A little English girl is playing happily with her eight year old Pakistani neighbour and having a great time, "I'll tell you what, "said the little English girl, "why don't you come and have a sleepover?" " I would love to," replied the little Pakistani girl, "but I don't think my husband will let me." My mate rang me up: "Can you come and pick me up? I've just fucked my knees and I can hardly walk" "Where are you, at the hospital?" I asked. "No I'm in the forest with my niece" He replied. How do Muslims punish children? They marry them. 6
"Don't be stupid, I don't even fancy the ugly bitch." "Do you fancy watching Embarrassing Bodies on TV tonight?" my wife asked me earlier. "Alright then," I said, putting the home movie of her and her sister sunbathing. "I think my laptop was hacked last night". "what makes you say that?" "when I came home from work it was in pieces in the living room" I replied.
Apparently clocks run a lot slower when they are near a black hole. My desk must be right beside one then.
I can't believe that I claimed to be a Muslim today! It was either that , or spend four hours at the door talking to Jehovah's Witnesses.
Money doesn't buy happiness. I give all my money to my ex wife every month and she's still a miserable bitch. I was reading that your favourite Royal tells a lot about who you are. For example, if your favourite is the Queen, then you're respectful and distinguished. If it's Prince Harry you're fun-loving and a bit naughty. If it's Prince Edward ... then you're Prince Edward.
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mum said no. She had a brother who died in a horrible Motorcycle accident when he was 18. So she said I could just have his.
After my circumcision I had to show my penis to the nurse before I was allowed to go home. "It's not usually this small," I assured her. "Don't worry," My boss is getting pretty pissed off with She smiled. "I see this all the time." "l bet me. Whenever I see a Fire Exit I can't you do," I replied. "You're not exactly help myself, I dash out and then stand a looker are you." by the designated Fire Assembly Point. If you ever pick up an old-fashioned I suffer from premature evacuation. lamp and believe it to be inhabited by I was thinking about getting married an imprisoned genie DO NOT RUB IT. to a Muslim. I was told that they enjoy This is an urban legend that was created a good bang. by imprisoned genies as a way of Women only have orgasms because relieving their sexual frustrations. it's another chance for them to moan. I have a photo of me suckling on In the end, I did the right thing by going to my mother-in-law's funeral. Just had to make sure, you know.
my mums tit. That was one seriously fucked up party last night.
My wife has just accused me of having sex with her identical twin sister. I said, 7
Ladies remember, everything's a dildo. It's just a question of bravery. Obama: We won't use troops against ISIS, just "advisors. "That's like telling a woman, "I'll only put the tip in." Man cannot live on bread alone. Man needs woman to bake bread.
Whenever my wife says we need to talk I counter with "let's have sex, then talk." Checkmate!
mine as well.
I went to see the
If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, DO NOT. I repeat DO NOT Google 'old man bond age'
There's only one thing worse than having a son who looks like a tramp, I think female nipples are that's having a wife who acts like one. the only things that get hotter as they get cold. Apparently animals make different sounds according My son got sent home to different languages. For from school today after being caught masturbating example, in Korea a dog in the toilets. To be fair, it makes a sizzling noise. was the girls toilets. I recently donated two gifts to my African pen If you had and kept the Jade Goody 2009 calendar, pal. A water bed. could you please check I said to my wife, "I and see if it's got all the made you a friendship months in it? Mine only necklace." "This is a goes up to March. fucking noose." she How do you know your replied. date is overweight? When Golf. The only time you go to fuck her, she it's acceptable for a pulls down her undies and man to hold an iron. her arse is still in them. A South African friend of mine said I think my proctologist that he got me a is gay, last time I went kindle for my birthday. to see him he made me I was very excited cum. Then he gave me a until he told me he prostate exam. got a matching Barbie We all have to live with as well. (Think about the mistakes we make in it. Ed). life. I have to sleep with 8
Doctor today and asked for a flu jab. The bitch punched me on the arm and said "Stop fucking moaning, it's only a cold." I was awoken early by two coppers knocking on my door, they said "There's been a serious crime in the area and we are just looking for leads." I replied "It's near Bradford, now fuck-off you pair of pricks!" What's the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United? Shearer will still be on Match of the Day next season. Carlsberg don't do Alzheimer's. Just exceedingly good
at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. meet after dinner. "You won't need that love," I told A gas explosion in a street in Bradford her as she reached into her bag for has killed 50 Pakistanis. Rescuers are the condom. "You've had the snip now searching a second house. then?" She asked. "Nope. I've just I read the following headline in the come in my pants." paper today: "Woman Beats Off I saw a nun smoking outside a convent Attacker". Well, I guess if he didn't get and said, "That's a pretty disgusting to rape her, at least he got a wank. habit." "I know," she replied, "Father I've been reading my son a joke book Theophilus just wiped his dick on it." consisting of African puns. Safari loves it.
My Muslim neighbour was found dead in his flat today. Apparently, he'd been dead for over two weeks. The police asked, "Did you not notice the smell?" I replied, "I did, but I just thought he’d had a wash."
News: Russia to join fight with ISIS. Although they didn't say which side.
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go piss, bitch." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the lav. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word lav 9
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My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house... So I divorced her and took the house.
UPVC WINDOWS DOORS & CONSERVATORIES ALL TYPES OF BUILDING WORKS
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex CENTRO COMERCIAL LOS DOLSES, 104 girl notices something strange URB VILLAMARTIN - 03189 ORIHUELA COSTA, about the wellies the Irish guy ALICANTE, SPAIN. is wearing. She says, "Scuse me TEL: (0034) 966 764 730 - FAX: (0034) 966 764 158 Email: enquiries@candgfabrications.com mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one of 'seeing'. It's an iPod that keeps repeating, your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva "You're in a queue of 400 people." one's got an R on it ? So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness I was at a house party last night, I and replies,"Well, oim a little bit tick you wandered into a bedroom and there see. The one with the R on it is for me was a girl half passed out. I went over roight foot and the one with the L is for and started feeling her up. She suddenly me left foot". "Cor blimey, exclaims the came around and said to me, "You touch Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers me again, and I'll tell everyone you raped ave got C&A on them. me."I thought about it for a second and responded, "Well, I'd hate to be accused I read that Alton Towers have started of something I didn't do." She looked giving blind visitors a hand-held device relieved‌ I think she misunderstood that describes the attractions they are what I meant. I've started learning how to play the banjo. For some reason I now find my sister incredibly attractive. My Down's Syndrome neighbour has just bought himself a Porsche Convertible for his 18th birthday. Talk about a mid-life crisis. Our goldfish died last night after my kids accidentally fed him small pieces of polystyrene. I'm still trying to flush the fucking thing down the toilet.
The benefits of joining ISIS: * A new identity. * Intense religious indoctrination. * A virgin bride to marry. Oh, sorry... That's Scientology. 11
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On his expulsion from the BNP, Nick Griffin said: Those dirty white bastards have had it in for me for years. My wife forgot to flush after doing a number 2 earlier, so I called her back, pointed inside the bowl and said, "Look!.. Look at the size of that fucker.. And you've got the nerve to refuse me anal?" A billionaire inventor has claimed he will be able to put a million people on mars. That's fucking useless. There are at least 1.5 billion Muslims in the world.
I have just been accused of being a heartless, arrogant posh bastard. I was so upset I had my butler horsewhip the blighter. I’d never be unfaithful to my wife, for the simple reason that I love my house very much....
So Yusra Hussien is the youngest girl from the UK to go and join ISIS in Syria and is said to want to become a 'Jihadi Bride'. I'm not entirely sure she’s been paying attention. She’s 15 years old for fucks sake, what self respecting Jihadi Muslim is going to be interested in that old hag?
Nice try, Clooney "wedding." I know a casino heist when I see one. The Government have announced from the 1st October 2014 motorists are no longer required to display a tax disc in their vehicle. A spokesman for motorists groups in Liverpool said: "This is nothing new, we’ve been doing it since 1956". You just can't please some people. In an attempt to get people eating more healthily I have been giving out free fruit to people, but it seems the majority of Peckham don't like having bananas thrown at them. Four jets at 30 million pound each, fired four missiles worth 100 thousand pound each to destroy a second hand Toyota Hilux, the M.O.D have called it a "great result" Which is military terminology for a complete waste of time and fucking money...
A news report says that paedophiles are to be educated to control their urges…Who comes up with these crap ideas? Sending paedophiles to school!! I've got a long night ahead of me. My pet chameleon's escaped again. I got arrested by a policeman in China and he read me my rights. It didn't take long.
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Luis Van Gaal was granted a wish from a genie, "I wish Manchester United were a better team." he asked. And hey presto, David Moyes was back in charge. The Paki from work had been giving me a lift to and from the factory all week, so on the Friday, I said. "Cheers for this week, Malik. You've saved me a fortune on bus fares.� "I know you won't take any money, so I got you a bottle instead." "I'm Muslim, mate." He said. "I won't be able to drink it." "I know you won't." I replied. "It's shower gel." My wife was sat on the settee earlier, I walked over to her and said: "Right you fat cow, it's time you went on a diet." "Oh my God Dave, you've really hurt me" she replied. "Really? This can't be a surprise to you" I said. "No, it's not that" she cried, "you're stood on my tit." To get some relaxing time by myself before the summer ends, I gave my family a holiday. I sent my grand parents to Switzerland, sent my daughter to a summer camp in Portugal, and my wife is just boarding a Malaysian flight to China. I love Chinese food as much as the
next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice. I saw a bloke picking berries from a bush. "Wouldn't eat those if I was you mate" I said. "They're blackberries" he replied, while shoving another one in his mouth. "I know that" I laughed "but my dog just pissed on them." Saw a bloke today whose girlfriend was a midget. I thought "There's a paedophile that has found a loophole".
A halal only branch of KFC in Birmingham has refused to supply wet wipes. The Daily Mail report this to be due to the alcohol content but a restaurant spokesman refuted this. "Wet wipes constitute a wash and that is banned by Islam," he said. A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?" The woman says, "No, fuck off." The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom." 15
My wife has never faked an orgasm with me. She doesn't get enough time. I wish I hadn't bought that knock-off perfume for the wife from Dodgy Derek in the pub last night, it smells like shit. Chanel number two. I'm not racist, but black people were a lot nicer before the civil rights movement.
cause in Africa I don't mind giving ÂŁ2.00 per month for as they seem to be doing a fantastic job. Biological weapons development.
that if I could find a girl who could make the box last more than 24 hours, I'd marry her. That was 38 years ago, and I'm still single.
We've just come back from a holiday in Spain. My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all the food was like the stuff we eat back at home. She said, "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird shit and you can't understand a word they say." So I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland. Whenever I get a new girlfriend I always buy her a massive box of chocolates on our first date. Then I secretly time how long it takes her to scoff them. I told myself
I don't have any vices at all now. For the past two years I haven't touch alcohol, gambled or even looked at a woman. But I get out next week.
The shower block in Pretoria Prison is well known for having Glory holes in the walls of its toilets. I guess its not the toilet doors Pistorius has to worry about them shooting through. I have finally found a 16
Fuck me, that FIFA 15 is so realistic. I even had to bribe the shop assistant to sell me a copy. I was having great fun playing peek-a-boo with my step daughter. Then I got it stuck in my zipper. What's the difference between slaves and freedom? You can't buy slaves in South Africa anymore. BBC News: Beckham spends weekend
knew the real name of Osama bin Laden. Am I self-centred or is it just me? An American army camp in Iraq has a homemade sign out side, it reads: "Second To None" British troops too have a sign: "None" I am not lazy, I just rest before I get tired. In his autobiography, Westlife star Shane Filan has admitted Louis Walsh slapped So it would appear that him after he messed up last time we went to war an audition. Although in Iraq to sort out a crisis, he's not the first young we only got rid of the man that Louis has left "c" and the "r". red-faced after blowing At last, my mental Muslim something. son has got a girlfriend. History remembers He packed his bags this Emily Davison, who morning and said he's off threw herself in front to see Ria. Give her one of the King's horse to from me, Champ. become a martyr for the
57% of the British public back military air strikes against IS targets in Syria and Iraq. The other 43% of the British public are Muslim. The FBI say they now know the real name of Jihadi John; That may not prove too significant , considering how long they 17
suffragette movement. It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
I heard a rumour that for Jeremy Clarkson's next stunt, he plans to drive round Bradford in a Porche with the number plate J1HAD. If you've got a problem with misogyny, stop being a bitch. Thinking of a tourism slogan for Madrid. "Why go to Africa when ebola can bring Africa to you". The hitman who says Dewani hired him gave some damning evidence in court. Still, it's not the first time Dewani has paid a big black guy and wound up getting fucked by him. W.I.F.E = Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etcetera. With my W.I.F.E, it's Whingeing, Irritating,
rape storyline. At least this time it's only a storyline say BBC.
What's better than having a girls head resting on your chest? When it's still attached to the girl.
and you suddenly wake yourself up. Then you've got to quickly pull the nose up before you kill Ebola precautions are the yourself and all the passengers. same as Aids. Don't fuck black people. Sky News: Boy aged four found dead in a tumble David Dickinson looks dryer. Don't they know like Tina Turner trying if they’d have washed him to shit a sea urchin. at 30, there's an 80% What’s brown and chance he'd have lived? sticky? 75% of Muslims I've started writing down after the airstrikes on ISIS. all the things I'm never My wife says she hasn't going to do with my life. a racist bone in her body. It's my 'Fuck It' list. Except when I'm fucking 278 complaints made her of course. after BBC Eastenders I took the doll I'd just bought back to the sex shop because it had a hole in it. I wanted one with three. McCann Twitter troll is found dead in her hotel room. At least they found this one. I hate that dream where it feels like you're falling 18
What's the difference between Rupert Murdoch and the McCanns? One runs an ultra efficient PR empire which manipulates the media to make as much money as possible, the other is an elderly Australian man.
A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs. Careless of the McCanns to leave a body. Thought they had more experience than that. JAIL FOR BEING GAY British pensioner gets four months in a Morocco prison packed with 60 other men. I'm not sure it's all that bad for him as his Facebook page has just one comment. YESSSSSSSSSS
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she
asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life." A 'Spoof video shot in Glasgow by Tennent's Lager shows man pretending to race the tube between stations while stopping for a pint and playing Scrabble' the Daily Mail reports. Yeah, like anyone from Glasgow can spell and would ever actually take his time to get to the next pint! What do you call an unemployed goat? Billy Idol.
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Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples. "Thirteen glasses of water, please," Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others. In a frank and personal interview this week, Katie Price has said the most effective birth control she's ever used was craft glue. While Harvey's busy eating it, he's not trying to fuck her leg. Katie Price is said to be furious with the photo hackers who have been leaking naked celebrity pictures. They haven't published a single one she's sent them. "It's weird that the very first vagina you ever see is your mum's." I said to Katie Price's kid as we were browsing the internet. Just saw a Facebook status of a girl I know: "Omg! Can't help it! I'm obsess with Big Macs." I commented: "Oops, you made a spelling mistake." She said: "Ha-ha, it's obsessed, right?" I replied: "No, it's obese, you fat cow." I’m sure Facebook was made by a scouser! It has the word 'like' at the end of every comment.
"Rolf Harris Has Been Banned From Pursuing His Favourite Activity In Jail". His favourite activity was banned on the outside as well but that didn't fucking stop him. The Wife and I we're having sex the other day and I suggested she moan a bit, as I thought our relationship needed spicing up. She said, "you're shit in bed, the ceiling needs painting and when are you going to put those shelves up.........?"
I love this.
Michael Phelps, Olympic gold swimmer, has been arrested for driving under the influence. Police say Phelps really pissed them off when they tried to take a breathalyser, and he held his breath for over 8 minutes. Reports in the news today state that 25% of all Scottish adults are taking anti-depressants. The other 75% just stick to booze. "I was raped as a five-year-old and received ÂŁ100 compensation," said my girlfriend. I replied. "This is turning into a very weird game of Monopoly," 20
I sent a player off in the first minute of a match today for deliberate handball. He said, "You haven't got a fucking clue what you're doing, ref." I said, "That's what they all say... right lads, scrum down." A teacher asks her class a question. "Four wealthy white men are out dining and a black man is their waiter," says the teacher, "Why is this politically incorrect?" Little Johnny says, "Because niggers don't want jobs, miss." I would like to point out to Jeremy Clarkson that not all lorry drivers murder prostitutes. Some of us are too busy trying to mow down Pakis. I managed to get my car insurance reduced by ÂŁ200 this morning. I said my new occupation was a 'paedophile'. Apparently driving around slowly and being on the lookout for children is just what they're looking for in a customer.
Finally, George Clooney got married this weekend in Venice. breaking the hearts of ugly, fat, delusional women all over the world.
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock . When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too." "No, a straw," says the Tramp. The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already". 21
ANGER APPRECIATIVE ARROGANT BITTER CALM CHEERFUL CONFIDENT CURIOUS DISGUST DUBIOUS
EDGY ENVIOUS EXUBERANT FEAR FRANTIC FRETFUL GLAD GLEEFUL GRATEFUL GRIEF
GRUMPY HAPPY HOPE INDIFFERENT JEALOUS JOLLY JOYFUL MOROSE MOURNFUL NERVOUS
OUTRAGE PUZZLED REGRET SADNESS SCARED SCORNFUL SORRY SURPRISE TRANQUIL WORRY
Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid. The remaining 13 letters spell an additional word. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck. 22
the word 'fireworks.' "Please Miss," said Little Johnny, "My Dad says that, if you want to get rid of the Muslim family living next door, fireworks."
BBC News: McCann Twitter troll found dead. Fucking hell, say what you like about the McCann's but they don't fuck about do they?
Jeremy Clarkson has formally apologised to Argentina over the recent Top Gear number plate incident by sending them a bottle of his favourite Christmas drink. Port Stanley. Gays and Budgies have a lot in common. Both have seed in the mouth and shit on the stick.
"McCann Twitter troll found dead in hotel room" Her parents said they only Nick Clegg has announced that waiting left her for a short time while they went time targets for people with mental health problems in England are to be out for dinner. introduced for the first time. This I got arrested after taking out some should reassure nutters everywhere, trash earlier. Or shooting my Muslim particularly those who voted for the neighbours to be politically correct. twat in in the first place. In order to promote the Muslim festival I wonder if women get as excited of Eid, I asked my religious education seeing a man licking a yoghurt pot lid class if anybody could come up with a as I do when I see them eat a banana. sentence about Muslims incorporating
This Should sort the evil Bastards out. 23
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I've been lonely recently so last night I booked a hooker and paid an extra ÂŁ250 for the full girlfriend experience. She turned up late, sat on my sofa texting her mates, ignoring me, went on Facebook and started asking me who my female friends were. We finally got down to it, she moaned about lack of foreplay, refused me anal or a blowjob. Nicked my fags, borrowed ÂŁ20, before asking me to go out and get us a takeaway . We had a brief argument about nothing. Then finally before she asked me to call her a cab, she had a shit with the door open. I think I love her.
They say air traffic controller is the toughest job in the world. I disagree, I think it must be editing Top of the Pops repeats.
News: "Lab-grown penises ready for testing on men". Now I'm no scientist but I can see a fundamental error here. My 12 year old son was pissed off with me because I told him what happens in the film he was watching. I was right though, the black bloke did cum on her face. According to professor Brian Cox, as far as humankind knows, the Universe is the only thing that keeps going for eternity. And the Oscar Pistorius trial.
Jamie Oliver employs convicted child rapist and sex offender at his new restaurant 'Fifteen'. I wonder what that guy was searching the internet for when he stumbled across that job? Is it just me...... Or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing? 25
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Manchester City are like the Ebola virus. No threat in Europe... (Hi Andrea). In a Manchester church Sunday morning the preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front of the altar." With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray for about you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday." I was telling the girlfriend last night that James Wade and Robert Thornton were playing each other at darts in Dublin and both had a 9 dart leg. She said "Was it in the same leg?". "Grandpa, how did you & Grandma meet?" "Well Timmy, in those days we had a thing called the internet & I went by the name of Anus.Destroyer69. I've got to go into town today and pick up 32 boxes of crayons, because my daughter wants to draw a picture of all her classmates from school. And there's only one brown in each box. My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight. I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of
her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink. When I met my wife her breasts were small and in perfect proportion to her body. Now, after twenty five years of marriage her breasts are massive and still in perfect proportion to her body.
Lynx Africa. Because there's nothing more a women likes than the scent of famine and death on a man. 27
I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"? Fucking firemen.
round that he was last seen whilst on a state visit to Portugal, tucked up in his bed whilst his parents went for a meal in a nearby restaurant. What are the chances of that!
I needed a loan so I went to the 'listening bank'. Unfortunately, they'd been listening to my creditors.
Katie Price's new boyfriend didn't realise just how big her vagina was. He's still a bit wet behind the ears.
Portuguese police claim they have a written confession from Gerry McCann over the death of Maddie, but I doubt that very much. Nobody can read doctors handwriting.
Michael McIntyre has stormed off stage because a woman in the front row wouldn't get off of her phone. She was only trying to find out what time the comedian was coming on!
On the next episode of Top Gear Richard Hammond will be following Jeremy Clarkson in a Peppa Pig Mobile. With the reg number FUK 15LM around the streets of Bradford.
What's the difference between cigarettes and Eastern European murderers? You can only bring 200 cigarettes into the UK before the authorities start asking questions.
An Australian chef has committed suicide after killing, dismembering and boiling parts of his Indonesian girlfriend. A police spokesman described it as a 'terrible crime' adding "everyone knows meat is best barbecued".
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!" She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's." "Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?" I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
Lord Freud has claimed that disabled people aren't worth minimum wage. I think that's bollocks. I have a disabled person working in my office and I pay him double time. He's great for morale. The normal staff are constantly in
Concern is mounting in North Korea over the whereabouts of Kim Jong Un. There is a conspiracy theory going 28
We wish you a Merry Christ...
It’s November You prick!!
she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming Fred and Fiona were making passionate from the other side of the closed love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly bedroom door. Upon entering the Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) room, he observed his daughter making yells out: "Okay, fat boy, whip me, whip passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the me!" Fred, not wanting to pass up this daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, not unique opportunity, obviously did not married, and this thing is about as close have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go the antenna off his van and proceeds to away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. About a week shopping trip, placed the groceries on later, Fiona notices that the marks left the kitchen counter, and heard that by the whipping session are not healing buzzing noise coming from, of all places, and starting to fester a bit so she goes the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next get these marks having sex?" Fiona a to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed The wife asked: 'What the fuck are him to indulge in her own kinky desires, you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law. eventually admits that, "Yes, I did." Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, 29
Barcelona has managed to stop Luis Suarez from biting his team mates. They've brought in 11 new West African players.
she teaches high school in America ... I've just watched an NSPCC advert where the narrator says that "No one comes when Will cries". I beg to differ..
Despite her increasing workload as a children's education advocate and winning the Nobel prize, Malala Yousafzai still faces a daily threat to her life from Islamic fundamentalists. I bet she needs that like a hole in the head. I love the Autumn. I like to go to the park and let my dogs shit under the horse chestnut trees when the conkers are falling. Then I sit on the bench and watch the children play conker surprise. UKIP have said the people have had enough of the establishment by voting in a bloke who has been a politician for the last nine years. That's about as anti establishment as refusing to take it up the arse at Eaton...
My wife said she doesn't like it when I come home late stinking of Vodka, so I promised her that I'll change. From now on, I'll be drinking Lager. Denmark have announced that they are to make having sex with animals Illegal. So that's why their bacon is so salty. It's 10 years since Lionel Messi made his debut. In that time he's earned an estimated ÂŁ80m which, after tax, equates to ÂŁ80m.
My loving wife is often forgetful so she asked me to prepare a "To Do" list in readiness for her working holiday tomorrow. I gave her the list: It used to be that when a young woman 1. Renew your life insurance 2. Update your will said she wants to have a boy it meant she was pregnant ‌ Now it just means 3. Add me as a joint bank account Holder Have a great time in
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What's the worst thing about dating a fat chick? When you take her bra off and all the crumbs fall out. The manager insisted I should pay for two cinema tickets for myself and girlfriend. "Why?" I asked "while the film's on she's going to be facing the other way." Ten times this week I've seen the same bloke with one eye in Tesco. He must be thinking the same about me, only five times. I've just posted an abusive comment about the McCanns on my wife's Twitter profile. Now I wait. On our way to Leeds, my wife huffed with me and just got off the bus at Bradford saying I'm a boring twat. What a horrible thing to do during our honeymoon. Years ago, I can remember it used to cost an arm and a leg to go to the Middle East. Now it seems it'll just cost you a head. Two dwarfs won the lottery and decided to have a good night out on the piss, they ended up pulling two birds and heading off to a hotel with them. In their adjoining rooms one suddenly got struck with the dreaded brewers droop! It didn't help that all he could hear
through the wall was his mate going, "1,2,3,hup,1,2,3hup,1,2,3,hup" all night. Next morning the second dwarf said to the first, "how did it go?", He replied, "Fucking nightmare, I couldn't get hard no matter what I tried. How did you do?" His mate said, "Worse than you, I couldn't even get on the fucking bed". A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro Jim saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?' 'I was stung by a bee', she said. 'Where?', he asked. 'Between the first and second hole', she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'
The South African justice system really is something else. I wouldn't be too surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door. In a dramatic shift on policy , the Vatican has said that homosexuals have "gifts and qualities to offer". Well it should know , after hundreds of years of employing them.
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Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative: Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them: 1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted fan, Jim.
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When I was growing up, selfies were accidental Polaroid's of our thumbs. My teenage daughter was getting distraught about her breasts not developing. "It's nothing to worry about, your mother's breasts are tiny," I said to her. "Yes," she replied. "But look what she ended up with." A visitor to a mental institution asks the director how they decided which patients should be kept in. The director replies, "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub." The visitor then says, "Oh, I see. a normal person would chose the bucket because it's the biggest." The director responds, "No, a normal person would pull the fucking plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?" I can hear the lesbian couple next door to me having sex every night. It's not easy, but if I turn the TV off and unplug the fridge, I can just about hear them. My dad caught me peeking into our female neighbours' bedroom window. I remember thinking "What the fuck's he doing up there?".
Black cats are said to bring bad luck. This is also true of ravens, which are also black. What about humans? My wife sidled up to me and said that if I just did one little thing then I could have sex any time I wanted. So I took the hint and divorced her. I can't understand why there are so many successful suicide bombings. It's not as though they can practice, is it?
I always feel an intense awkwardness when a woman doesn't choose the iron in a game of Monopoly.
I think I may have a fertility problem: After a messy wank , you could count the number of sperm I produce on the fingers of one hand!
I was shocked when my parish priest was arrested in Thailand for child sex tourism. He told me he didn't like long haul flights.
I failed another Job Interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that I can effectively work as part of a team.
Ashley Cole goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says "here, keep it keep it..."
Fool new people on social media into thinking you have lost loads of weight. Simply buy a huge pair of jeans and take a selfie standing inside them.
My colleague, from Norfolk, was having a problem, so I went over to lend my support and said 'two heads are better than one'. He said "Exactly, so fuck off and let me deal with it' 33
universe. It was in aisle 7 in Sainsburys all along. My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture". "Oh John!" she sighed "I thought you had a real one this time."
A guy walked in to my insurance brokers yesterday to try and claim for his 25k Porno collection which he said had been lost in a house fire. "Do you have proof of purchase" I asked? "Nope" he said. Do you have any photographs of the items prior to the incident? "Sorry no" he replied. "Then how do I know that this isn't some sort of scam"? I asked. He reached into his wallet and pulled out a picture of his wife. I didn't even charge him his excess.
An African girl walked up to me in the bar last night. "Fancy buying me a drink that best suits me and my personality?" She said with a cheeky grin. "Sure," I said, turning to the bartender. "A cup of dirty water please, mate." What's the useless mound of flesh around the nipples? The woman.
Some call it "alcoholism". I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated". After billions of pounds spent and years of searching, astronomers have mapped the Milky Way's exact location in the
I signed up for an assertiveness course. First week the teacher never turned up. Second week the teacher never turned up. Third week no teacher again so I went to the office to complain. They said, "Congratulations you've passed". I'm the kind of guy that likes to play hard to get. I've watched Babestation all night and I haven't called them once. Sharon Osbourne is quoted as saying that she's not going to reconcile with Ozzy until he proves to her that he can stay sober. After hearing this, Ozzy said. "Who's Sharon Osbourne?" A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil. Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school. When we were on holiday in Africa my wife and I decided to go on a safari. After a few minutes a lion jumped out of the trees onto my wife. ' Quick, shoot him, ' she cried. ' Okay, ' I replied getting the camera out of the case. I once read that a couple who have a brush with death together develop a deeper bond, so last night during sex I strangled my wife. My girlfriend and I have never been closer...
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If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it's considered responsible. But if you do that with your girlfriend, I get called "cheating bastard."
abused sexually and went missing I felt I had no other option than to turn to Catholicism... They're usually the ones responsible for this shit. Paddy came back early and saw his wife Liverpool University have spent £900k on a study, showing that early humans naked on the bed and a pair of men's mated with Neanderthals. I could have jeans and a coat lying on the floor. He saved them £900k of that just by totally lost it, "Jaysus Christ. I cannot watching TOWIE. believe yer are a feckin cross-dresser. I think my son's school teacher might They say there's a peeping tom in be a paedophile. He keeps putting a almost every street nowadays. I know little kiss after each answer in my for a fact it's not the girl who lives sons exercise book. opposite me. She just sits in her bedroom most of the time watching I once was molested by a teacher at TV and playing with her phone. school and after an investigation, he found himself suspended. Well his My ex-girlfriend used to challenge me wife did, from the garage ceiling. by only letting me enter her after she had first massaged by dick slowly with Scientists have announced that eating her left tit, and then slowly with her bacon sharpens your sense of humour. right tit. I never actually managed to "Which also helps explain Jews, Muslims win the challenge and fuck her. Try as and vegetarians," they added. I might I always came off second breast. Do you think Ed Miliband’s arse gets jealous about the amount of shit that A man who was in court for stealing constantly comes out of his mouth? a bag, took just 3 minutes to get sentenced, it was a briefcase. I don't know what black people were moaning about. I love sitting at the back I was watching TV last night when of the bus. the wife came in, wearing nothing but red pants, and stood in front of me. I sighed, "Can I just finish this movie, babe?" She took the panties off. "Why? When you can watch something better?" she said, bending over. "You’re right," I said, picking up the remote. "Match of the Day is on." I really miss not being able to slam the phone down on people. Violently pressing the "End Call" button just doesn't quite have the same effect. After my son was suspected of being 35
Teacher: "You copied from Tim's exam paper didn't you?" Pupil: "How did you know?" Teacher: "Tim's paper says 'I don't know' and you put 'Me neither'!"
Macklin´s Welcome Inn. Via Park 3
Poker
My daughter told me that she has Bieber fever but the doctor says autism.
Every Wednesday and Friday
I like women like I like my cream. Sterilised and well whipped.
Bingo
Saturday 2pm
Say what you like about the USA, their lack of taste does mean they're happy to take irritating and unfunny twats like Piers Morgan and James Corden off our hands. God bless America! Many people know that Burt Ward, who played Robin in the sixties TV series of Batman, went on to star in soft-porn. Fewer people know that the bear from The Jungle Book also went on to star in Baloo movies. How many married men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Their wives get that pissed off at keep asking they do it themselves. My wife asked, "Would you love me more if I was really smart or really beautiful?" I replied, "Yes, I probably would." "I'm not washing it, I'm just gonna shove it in a pony." If you're a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
Quiz
Sunday 9pm We now hold a Bookmakers Licence All sports betting legally available here! I'm very disappointed with the new Dr Who. So I wrote to the BBC and very sarcastically, asked what they were going to do to ensure that Gay/Lesbian, Disabled and Feminist traits were depicted in this popular programme?. They wrote back: What do you think the Daleks represent, you prick?. I've just released my own fragrance. Everyone in the lift hates it. Wife: I am not talking to you. Me: Okay. Wife: Don't you want to know the reason? Me: No, I respect and trust your decision! And that's when the fight started... I've got a nice 4 day week next week. My boss just said, "If you don't come in for overtime tomorrow, don't bother coming in on Monday." Cheers boss, see you next Tuesday. You know your new born baby is fucking ugly when they put it in an incubator with tinted windows. 36
My wife started crying about her weight while we were eating our lunch today. I said, "Chin up, love." She said, "Aw, thanks babe. I'm glad I have you to support me." I replied, "No, I mean pull your chin up. It's in your soup." Just went into Tesco and saw a cake sale in aid of diabetes. Oh the irony... I didn't win the dodgy curry cooking contest last night, but at least I gave them the runs for their money.
tornados have in common? It just takes one to fuck up a neighbourhood. Fucking Italian kids parties.... With their fucking pasta parcel. Katie Price has said she is angry about people taking the piss out of her kids and wants to give them "a piece of my mind." I'd be careful if I was her she doesn't have much to spare.
Blackpool is like a one night stand. Not to bad in the dark after 15 pints, but absolutely disgusting in the cold light of day.
I congratulated my Paki neighbour after he got married to an 18-year old girl. "Thank you", he said, "what can I say, I love older women."
My American wife told me to get our son ready for his first day at school. So I bought him a gun. What do Muslims and
A report in Psychology Today magazine says that happy people talk a lot more than unhappy people. And they also
report on what would make unhappy people happy. If happy people would just shut the fuck up. "Why is it you only come to me when you need my help with something?" Time for a new therapist, I think. I recall the days I spent 4 hours looking at sweets in a petrol station. And then as soon as the shop had no customers I suddenly remembered I needed to buy a porn mag. How to fall downstairs. Step 1 Step 6 Step 8,9,10,11
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I've just been to a sex offenders convention and a Radio One Breakfast Show broke out.
on you from a great height and most of the ones from Asia have big peckers. My quest to become a porn star fell a little short. 3 inches too short to be exact.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb? Divorced women have all the rights and men have all the lefts... Left homeless. Left penniless. Left childless. Left for another man. Do you get a courtesy dog if you have pet insurance and yours is in the vets?
"Are you sure about the gorillas God? " Said Noah, fuck knows what they might turn into." What do ISIS and Little Miss Muffet have in common? They both have curds in their whey. What's black and has 27 tits?? The rubbish bag outside the mastectomy clinic.
Just got a brand new fishing rod and reel for the wife. Best swap I've ever made! My son just asked me why does mummy My wife is down in the dumps today. always cry when she cuts an onion. Hopefully she'll get buried before I told him she feels guilty because she anyone spots her. stole it from the poor people at the Alcoholic drinks are to carry warnings: supermarket. "Warning! Contents may make you pissed". Except in the case of EVEN A PLASTIC LILY GETS MORE Fosters which will read ANAL ACTION THAN I DO! "Warning Contains piss". Apparently a Saudi Arabian beauty pageant was closed down by security services last week. They said that some of the contestants were showing far too much eye. I can see why women are often referred to as birds. They have wings, They like to chatter, they like to shit 39
in Dallas. I didn't think they let blacks into Texas. I sent off for an Ebola protection suit yesterday. When the package arrived today I found a Klu Klux Klan outfit, and a note saying 'This should keep the twats away'. The USA are to introduce screening at airports to cut down the risk of Ebola entering the country. The process is very straight forward. They hold up a piece of white paper. If the individual doesn't match, they don't come in. Apparently, one of the ways of contracting Ebola from an infected person is through heavy kissing and sexual contact. On a plus side, that vastly improves my chances of survival.
The papers are saying Ebola could be 'the new Black Death'. Statistically it's doing all right so far.
Ebola symptoms: "Fever, sore throat, muscle pain and headaches. Typically, The fight against Ebola needs a celebrity vomiting, diarrhea and rash follow, along with decreased functioning of the liver victim. Nobody took AIDS seriously and kidneys. Around this time, affected enough until Rock Hudson got it. people may begin to bleed both within How about taking one for the lads, the body and externally." How can you Piers Morgan? tell if someone's contracted the virus or What do Africans have for breakfast? just has a nasty fucking hangover? Ebola cereal. President Obama is under pressure to We should send all our Ebola victims act on Ebola. '' I have enough problems into Syria with "Jihadi John is a Paedo" bombing Iraq,' he said, 'without getting T-shirts on. I'm sure he'd regret involved In bombing Ebola.' beheading one of them. Justin Bieber has sold over 15 million I was absolutely shocked to hear that a Albums. Maybe this generation Liberian has been diagnosed with Ebola deserves the Ebola virus. 40
The Zimbabwe Cricket Board have just announced that they discovered Ebola in their cricket team. But this has not caused any concern since they have also found Ebatsman and Efielda. The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history. My mate just got back from Africa and he can't stop buying raffle tickets. I think he's got Tombola.
I'd be reading Linda Bellingham's tribute to Janet Street-Porter. Muslims claim that they are the true faith, and that everyone since Adam was a muslim. But can they explain why Noah brought pigs onto the Ark? It transpires that the way we have sex is from evolution when a female fish trapped the male penis. Well ladies, I guess that finally explains the smell. Scientists have discovered that the first known animals to reproduce sexually were an early species of fish. And the smell remains to this day.
Footballer Ched Evans as been released from prison and his ex club Sheffield United have been urged not to employ himOn the plus side Judy Finnigan is looking for a personal assistant .
A new report today states that under the coalition it is costing £70,000 to deport a illegal immigrant. UKIP have stated that they could do it much cheaper. £4 for a box of nails, £1 for a ball of string and free wood. £15 for the carpenter to make the raft.
Maggie De Block for a minister of health? How about Kate McCann as a spokesperson for childcare? Or Oscar Pistorius advocating gun control?
Everyone's going on about Renee Zellweger's new face but at least now TV presenter Richard Madeley has she doesn't look like she's permanently said people who sent "sick rape threats" just smelt a fart. to his daughter via Twitter are in "deep Doctors are to be paid £55 if they trouble" He is going to find out where diagnose a patient with dementia. I they live and post them naked photos was at the surgery this morning and of Judy. was diagnosed with Dementia. I only I walked past the crematorium earlier went to clean the windows! and there was a delicious aroma in the Everyone moans about the NHS, air. "Aah, Bellingham!" but I think their latest addition to their The World Health Organization service is so amazing. Being able to send declares Nigeria officially free of Ebola, a text of your pussy to the gynecologist hailing it a "spectacular success story" to save embarrassment is so cool. My and if you Email your bank details now, wife must be really ill, because she has you can be a part of this success story... been sending loads to hers. Reading Janet Street-Porter's tribute Child poverty is going up in the UK. to Linda Bellingham only reinforces my The leading cause? Single mothers paying belief that there is no God. If there was, for fucking tattoos of their kid's names. 41
THANK GOD THAT’S OVER OSCAR. Oscar Pistorius got 10 months in jail and is meant to serve the rest of them under house arrest. Hope his parole officer doesn't need to use the bathroom.
Oscar says there'll be no more discharging weapons in the dark. He's obviously not familiar with s African prison cells after lights out.
sentenced Oscar Pistorius. About time too. They never took this long with Nelson Mandela, and he killed loads more people. Oscar Pistorius found out last night just how uncomfortably narrow those prison beds are. Although he can't complain about the legroom.
If Oscar Pistorius lived in a council house, he would be released before they get round to fixing his bathroom door.
Oscar Pistorious only got five years for shooting his girlfriend.. There's gonna be What has four arms, two legs, and a lot of fellas buying guns this weekend. howls in the night? Oscar Pistorius being raped by his cellmate. I call my penis Oscar Pistorius. It only In his closing argument, Barry Roux goes inside for a disappointingly short states: "My client, Oscar Pistorius is a period of time. broken man." I think the term you're Oscar Pistorius gets half the normal looking for is, 'Double Amputee' you sentence. So I see that, South African sick bastard. law determines sentences based on the "If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you length of your legs. could have blackened her up and got Oscar Pistorius facing 5 years in prison.. away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, To be honest with out his false legs it laughing. Then I realised that was in bad wouldn't be prison I'd be worried taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe about facing. polish? I don't think prison will have much of I see what Pistorius is doing; he is a noticeable effect on Oscar Pistorius. going to jail for 25 years and when he I mean, he already has a bit of a funny gets released... Bam! President of South walk doesn't he. Africa. That's how it works over there, right? Oscar Pistorius shot his girlfriend because he thought there was a burglar Reeva Steenkamp didn't notice Oscar the toilet Now he has been sent to sneaking up behind her. It was the prison there is one in there every day. silence of the limbs Oscar Pistorius has been jailed for five When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted years after authorities failed to find a to be just like able bodied athletes, who good way of putting an electronic tag knew he meant OJ Simpson? round his ankle. Oscar Pistorious will probably finish Finally the South African court has
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I bought some apple shampoo today and it was shit. I couldn't listen to music or make a phone call, or even get on the internet with it. All it was fit for was washing my hair. It's our 'health a safety officers' night out tonight. We're going to paint the town in a hypoallergenic red paint, but only to a height of 2 metres, therefore eliminating the need for anyone to climb unsafely or overstretch themselves. My Ten year old Son got into trouble at School yesterday. The teacher asked him "What colour is a traditional London Taxi?". Apparently "Normally the same colour as the driver", wasn't the Answer she was looking for. I was in an elevator with an attractive girl, when it suddenly stopped between floors. "Well, this is awkward. What do you think we should do?" I asked her. "Oh... I know exactly what I want you to do," she winked. "Really?" I gulped. "Yes," she smiled. "Take your fucking finger off the emergency stop button." BBC News: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year". Fuck, what site are they downloading them off? It's free for me... A U.S. astronaut, who's currently at the International Space Station, became a father when his wife gave birth to a baby boy yesterday. Apparently the astronaut was sobbing, "I can't wait to get home ... especially since I've been gone for 11 fucking months."
"If there's one thing I'm grateful for.. "I told the wife, "it's that I actually had the chance to take my dad for a spin in the time machine before he died." "But your dad's not dead." "Fuck! I've come back too far." I lost a bet with my wife today. She bet me she could still get a builder to whistle at her. So we hung around the entrance to a building site and sure enough we heard a whistle directed at my wife followed by, "Can you get out of the way you fat bitch, there's a wagon trying to get in," I was at a children's birthday party when this little girl came up to me and asked, "Hey mister, did the balloon man make your wife? " I was watching Dickinson's real deal earlier when my wife's old jewellery box caught my eye. So I smashed the television with it. Just ÂŁ2 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend. Text OSCAR to 62226 now.
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Barcelona's Nou Camp has been seriously vandalised. Spanish police have arrested a dyslexic Scotsman. "Is it just me or do Liverpool seem to have lost their bite this season"? Tesco have announced that there's going to be a £250 million shortfall in predicted profits. Apparently the Queen has decided to shop at Aldi's. Ed Miliband has said he'll increase the minimum wage to £8 an hour. Actually he's just protecting himself for when he ends up stacking shelves.
Some bad news for the woman with three tits today. She's just found out she's pregnant with quadruplets. So an American girl has had a third breast added, and called herself "Jasmine Tridevil". I'm thinking of having a second penis added, and calling myself Colin "Cockatoo".
It seems like Dave Lee Travis is about to be bent over and introduced to some real hairy monsters. BBC News: Abu Qatada is cleared of terror charges in Jordan. Just how big is Katie Price's fanny?
Now we know what DLT stands for. Dirty Little Twat. An endangered white tiger at New Delhi Zoo has mauled to death a drunken man, known locally only as Maqsood, after he climbed into its enclosure. Officials at the zoo have said they expect the tiger to be put to sleep. As soon as they can get it off the toilet.
It's certainly been a bad week for fruit. Blackberry's handset sales are down even further, Jason Orange leaves Take That, Apple's latest iPhone update goes pear shaped, and a giant plum forgets part of his speech at the Labour Party Conference. I've just seen the new updated Jungle Book video, although, I couldn't remember the original having a scene where Mowgli gets mauled and eaten by Shere Khan. It's nice to see even Tigers like the odd Indian takeaway. NASA representative today congratulated the Indian Space programme on achieving what was believed impossible - getting an Indian so far from Earth that they can't be smelled. Couldn't give a fuck about the Ryder Cup to be honest. Anything that involves a man using an iron isn't natural. David Cameron has been trying to whip up the over 70's vote by addressing an OAP Club in Bournemouth. Apparently the question that the oldies most wanted to hear answered was, "When does the bingo start?" The first female air force pilot in the United Arab Emirates is to lead airstrikes against ISIS militants in Syria. As soon as she can get the plane out of reverse. I was surprised to hear Stephen Fry admitting taking cocaine in Buckingham palace. I thought he just liked the odd fag now and again. Tesco - Every fiddle helps. 44
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PLEASE DON'T FORGET NEXT SATURDAY! WALK NAKED IN BRITAIN DAY! I think this would get their attention? Don't forget to mark your calendars.
their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism. The British government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God Bless Great Britain !!
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1 p.m. all British women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate
P.S.: If you don't show this to at least 2 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists.
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