Jester issue 59 by Jester Mag

Issue 59 December

Hello Dear reader, well here we are again, at the end of 2014. And what an interesting year we have had again. The rise of ISIS and their evil ways. The passing (naturally or at their own hands) of some very great people. Natural disasters, Ebola, Bob Geldof and his latest single “Do they know it’s Christmas”. Floods, Fires and Tornados. But as you all will be aware of, we never stopped taking the piss. Good or bad, happy or sad. We kept on dishing it out. And this brings me to a very important point. As much as each and every one of you readers are valued. I have to give a special “THANK YOU” to our advertisers. For giving us the backing to keep going. A lot of disruption with “the jester” has gone on this year. From losing our original printer at the beginning of the year, to ‘yours truly’ having to take a leave of absence, from the day to day operations. Fortunately, I still had the privilege and opportunity to edit it. But through all of this, the true and real supporters and lovers of our little bit of depravity, stayed with us. I will be forever grateful to you all. I also want to thank, Peter the printer for the work he has done for us. In

some cases having to work late into the night to make sure “the jester” was ready on time. And Graeme of Canal print. Who, with very little notice, took over the day to day running, with the calm appearance of a Swan on the water. I know from experience, it is not an easy job and made that much harder when you have a business of your own to run. Now to the bad news. Due to the disruptive year we have had, I am sorry to say there will be no Christmas present this year. That’s right NO single sheet of toilet roll or cotton bud. You will have to make your own arrangements in that department. Have a Very Merry Christmas and great New Year. You will all be in my thoughts during the festive season. Till next 2015. Take care. Ed.

The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.

Dear Editor, What do you call a Jihadi Martial Artist? Paki Chan. Alex. Los Alcazares. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a very racist comment. What type of magazine do you think we are? Shame on you. Ed. Dear Editor, Women's Logic: My girlfriend will give me a blow job and swallow because she thinks it's "sexy and kinky," but when I use her tooth brush or towel I'm a "disgusting, unhygienic bastard." Craig. Benidorm. What are you bitching about. As long as she is happy to do the blow job thingy, you should be bloody grateful. Plus why would you want to use her tooth brush after what you said she does. Yuck! Ed. Dear Editor,

or a train and thought,' I'm fucking having that. Pete. Sydney. Yeah they are bloody inconsiderate. Ed. Dear Editor, FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: One old fart is reading these facts. If thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s you, hang in there, sunshine! John. Quesada.

My wife left me and I am new to cooking. How long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster? Phil. Rojales. I find 2 minutes is ample. Ed. Dear Editor, I hate terrorists. I preferred the days when you seen an unattended bag on a bus

To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Paul: 664 10 60 10 or Graeme: 966 764 403 Please send your letters, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook. 3

Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League.

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him I was married now and that's where I sleep. If I've learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it's that everyone speaks English after they die. "Be more dog" urged the banner outside the O2 store. So I cocked my leg and pissed on it. When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left. I got the shock of my life when I raped a mime artist. He screamed like fuck.

be detected by police sniffer dogs. It's called soap. Still can't workout why me and the missus have on average 12 arguments a year. Mystery?? I remember when you could say 'wog', 'sambo', 'darky', 'coon' and 'nigger' and it just seemed normal. It was at the UKIP party conference in September to be precise.

After 1300 years of praying five times a day you would think that Muslims would have eventually realised that the carpets are not going to fucking take off. 'Those people who say All boys are the same' oh, yeah because Gok Wan, Hitler and Eminem have loads in common.

I'm trying to give up my two worst habits at the Women always complain moment smoking and masturbation, but I'm that men are only ever really struggling as I'm after one thing. Better a 20-a-day man, and I than being after fucking smoke like a chimney! everything. "A Quarter of sex A Muslim was arguing offences go unrecorded" with me about how pigs were disgusting creatures I'll be sure to take my phone next time. and a health risk to all Acupuncture. people. "Do you think so Mohammed? " I said. "Yet Proof that stabbing Muslim bombers are now someone can make using more sophisticated I've never seen one things better. technology, so they can't explode. " 4

After being told to 'fuck off and die', it made me wonder... Maybe I am an irritating prick? The Samaritans are supposed to nice. My poor grandmother has had Alzheimer's for several years now; I guess I should be grateful for the 5 quid I get for my birthday every week.

Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. dishwasher's got a dildo Mate 1 - hold the remote What did the feminist rack. to slow the video down. woman get her family for Woman - which hand do Christmas? A bigger litter I tried to share a kebab you wank with? with a homeless guy I box and a brand new Mate 2 - right. saw sitting on a bench scratching post. Woman - what do you do last night. He told me to What's the best way to fuck off and buy my own. with the left? confuse Katie Price? Ask Mate 2 - flick the pages of Me and my 2 mates were her the name of the first the magazine over. singer that came into her stopped and asked to do a Woman - which hand do survey on masturbation. mouth. you wank with? Woman - which hand do Me - right as well. Anyone else noticed that wank with? Woman - what do you do Carlsberg do fuck all? Mate 1 - left. with the left? I think my new girlfriend Woman - what do you do Me - hold the sponge. may be a bit of a slag. Her with the right? Woman - what's the sponge for? Me - bathing the kids!

I got stoned last night and ate a bacon sandwich. These fucking Muslims have got it all wrong. My girlfriend dumped me because my penis is too big. How shallow... What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts it off. A priest sucks it off. 5

lube and said to me, "I want you to shove it up my arse". I wasn't going to turn down an opportunity like that! She was in tears by the time it got to the lid. I bought my wife a diamond ring and she promised anal sex in return. "This wasn't quite what I had in mind," I said, as she introduced me Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. to Paul, her hairdresser. My mate said, Congratulations on your Dentists have finally identified the new job, how did you get it?" I said, biggest problem in women's dental "The same way the Virgin Mary got health. Answering back. Jesus." He said, "A miracle?" I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about." I was fucking fuming when my neighbour "I'm falling, catch me!" shouted my wife left his Jaguar on my drive today. Bastard from the top of the ladder. I did, and got thing has scratched the shit out of my wheelie bin and scared the fuck out of two hundred and fifty pounds from my Corgi. 'You've Been Framed'. I downloaded a ringtone on my phone My girlfriend and I were getting very intimate. After giving her a bloody good called 'ice-cream van chimes' and set it as my alarm clock. It's the only thing that pounding, she pulled out a huge pot of will make my fat, lazy wife jump out of bed in the morning. When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time, it's hard not to think to yourself. "I've licked your daughter's clitoris." I got told off for not opening the door for my girlfriend when I was on a date. Instead I just swam to the surface.

So there I was, sat in my pants with a can of lager in front of the telly when my wife walks in. "What the hell are you doing?" she huffed. "Waiting for X Factor to start" I slurred. "You're pathetic" she said, before storming out. God, she really knows how to ruin a Tuesday morning. 6

replied. I said "You've misunderstood," "I mean you're not leaving." Always be yourself… Unless you run into one of your exes… Then be a way more successful version of yourself. "If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he Email note from Abdul in Sheffield to shovelled in another mouthful of bacon. his friend Ahmed in Birmingham: I was Of course, statistically, he's far more fed up with being burgled every other likely to explode if he won’t go near day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out bacon at all. my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've I went to the store the other day, I planted a Pakistani flag in each corner was only in there for about 5 minutes. of my front garden and a large Black When I came out there was a policeman Flag of ISIS in the centre. Now, the writing a parking ticket. So I went up to Yorkshire police, the National Security him and said, 'Come on buddy, how Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the about giving a guy a break?' He ignored CIA and every other intelligence service me and continued writing the ticket. So in Europe are all watching my house I called him a pencil necked jerk off. He 24x7x365. My children are followed to glared at me and started writing another school every day and my wife when she ticket for having bald tyres! So I called goes shopping. I'm followed to and from him a horse's arse, he finished the work every day. So no one bothers me second ticket and put it on the car at all. I have never felt safer. with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about A Muslim man walks into his local 20 minutes, the more I abused him, mosque and says, "Forgive me Allah, the more tickets he wrote. I could for I have sinned". "What I just can't understand though, is why I am allowed only imagine what the owner of the car to behead all of my enemies and marry will think when he sees all the tickets. little girls, but it is forbidden for me to I've spent the last hour in front of the eat a fucking bacon sandwich?". mirror taking naked pictures of myself and sending them to my girlfriend. After I pulled this girl and took her The driving examiner says I've failed. home, I left her on the couch while I made some 'preparations': "I'm sorry Why do sanitary towel adverts always for keeping you" I said when I joined feature a liquid which is blue? Are aliens her. "You have not been that long" she their primary customers? 7

My mate rang me earlier and said 'mate, is a clitoris round the front or round the back?' 'Round the front' I replied. 'Why?' 'Because I think I've just spent 20 minutes licking her hemorrhoid'. I relied.

as he scraped away the foam and made sure he did not cut himself. I looked down with pride when he had towelled off and said, "Remember, son, your dick looks much bigger without pubes."

When someone says to you ohh you look familiar where do I know you from? I like to say... Do you watch porn.

First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind" What's the problem? "Nothing" Please tell us? "You know what the problem is."

A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool. Police said the road will be closed for at least five minutes.

African-American men don't like to marry Mexican women because they are scared their kids will be too lazy to steal. Gemma Collins may walk off Celebrity Jungle due to a lack of food. Well, I say walk... they have a forklift truck on standby. Feminists have fought years for equal rights in Great Britain. So how frustrating for them even in this day in age that a little green or red man tells them when they can or cannot cross the road. I got my son his first razor today. I watched

When I was a kid, I had an auntie who used to always call me by my brother's name. It really pissed me off. Finally, I just snapped. I said, 'You are the biggest fucking idiot I've ever met.' She got all upset, and rang my dad. My brother still has the scars from the beating he got.

I'm getting really pissed off now. I responded to the advert with the polar bear on it, and have been paying ÂŁ3 a month for ages. And I've still not received my rug. I've been on death row in America and this morning I was asked what I'd like 8

for my last meal. So I've asked for a KFC family bucket. With the portion sizes over here I reckon I've just bought myself another couple of years. When my grandchildren hug me I let out a little fart. It makes them think they are very strong. I'm not proud of myself, but I've spent all morning licking my boss's arse. He had a heart attack in his office so I thought, 'why not?!'. My wife can't keep her bloody mouth shut. She looks ridiculous after a spray tan. I was crossing a road in Bradford today, when I noticed a sign saying, 'look right'. So I painted my face brown, quickly changed into some pyjamas and started carrying a copy of the Koran.

do? " I asked, "I just asked when does the male get sucked of in a birds and the bees lesson," she said. My mum and dad were arguing earlier. My mum said, "If you don't like it, why did you marry me?" My dad replied, "Because Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. your sister was already taken." Respect dad! My boss just told me I've won the Not to brag or anything, but I got the employee of the month. I don't even high score on my bathroom scale today. remember buying a raffle ticket, but I hope it's Carol out of the office, she's I went into the Doctors and said : got massive tits. "Doctor I think my blood sugar levels are dangerously high". "What makes you You will not talk, discuss, converse, think that?" he asked. "Well every time I chat, debate or communicate about fart I find candyfloss in my underpants" I Thesaurus club. replied. When travelling abroad, I always An atheist, a vegan, and a cross-dresser smuggle my drugs up the wife's arse. walk into a barâ&#x20AC;Ś I only know because If customs wants to root around up they told everyone within two minutes. there, they fucking deserve to find them. Living in Bradford, I constantly feel like a Rice Krispie in a box of Coco Pops. Just said to my kids, "Right you two, guess who's getting no dinner tonight." "Who?" "Ethiopia. Let's go and get a pizza." System failed my cannibal son," claims mother. Obviously not as much as her cooking. My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity." Hey kids, why don't you try a new social networking tool? It's called, "outside". My twelve year old daughter got sent home from school today, "What did you 9

Roses are red, Nuts are Brown. Skirts go up, Pants come down. Body to body, Skin to skin. When it's stiff, You stick it in. It goes in dry, And comes out wet. The longer its in, The stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag. It's not what you think, It's just a Tea Bag. My pensioner wife and I will probably spend Christmas this year celebrating like we did in the war years. Sat in the cold and dark with fuck all to eat. Not only does pineapple improve the flavour of your sperm, it can also help delay ejaculation. Depending on how tight the ring is. I don't understand my wife. She's always complaining that she never gets to go on holiday, yet I'm a ''Sick Bastard'' for booking her a seat on Virgin Galactic. My mate Dave the builder likes to do his bit for the community. "Because of me", he said, "the old people have their own club house at the bowling green." "That's nothing", I said, "thanks to me the adults and children now have separate changing rooms at the swimming pool." On the X-Factor they mentioned that Cheryl Fenandez-Vacini had 5 No 1's. She must have a bladder infection. I stripped naked for a calendar today. "Put your clothes back on," said the shopkeeper, "You'll just have to pay the ÂŁ3.99 like everybody else." Don't you just hate people who butt into conversations. I'm there with this woman talking, flirting, working my magic just about to get her phone number. When my missus butts in, spoiling the whole fucking thing.

MacklinÂ´s Welcome Inn. Via Park 3

Poker

Every Wednesday and Friday

Bingo

Saturday 2pm

Quiz

Sunday 9pm We now hold a Bookmakers Licence All sports betting legally available here! I never realised just how unkempt my wife's bush was until we had our daughter. Poor little cow came out covered in carpet burns. I can remember last winter when my Muslim neighbour moved here from abroad and all his kid said, "What's that white stuff?" I informed them, "It's soap suds, you dirty little pricks." At the press conference, his interpreter said that David Moyes was confident of learning another language despite 15 years struggling to master English. I just heard on the radio that Neil Diamond has released his 32nd album. Thirty seconds seems a bit fucking short.

I said to my wife: That was a big bird we had this Christmas. What type of Turkey was it? She said: An ostrich. My young son asked the zookeeper to explain the difference between an alpaca and a llama. "Llamas are known for spitting," he replied. Alpacas swallows. Just like the wife and her sister I thought.

UPVC WINDOWS DOORS & CONSERVATORIES ALL TYPES OF BUILDING WORKS CENTRO COMERCIAL LOS DOLSES, 104 URB VILLAMARTIN - 03189 ORIHUELA COSTA, ALICANTE, SPAIN. TEL: (0034) 966 764 730 - FAX: (0034) 966 764 158 Email: enquiries@candgfabrications.com

Storage Hunters is coming to the UK. The McCanns must be shitting themselves.

I saved £463 on my car insurance today. Now I've just got to hope that I don't get pulled over in the next 12 months.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Some of the pictures on my computer are worth a long sentence.

FIFA have stated they wont hold the World Cup in Qatar 2022 in April as it would clash with Ramadan and could offend Muslims so the Christmas period is the most likely. That makes sense it's not as if its a religious festival...oh wait.

Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months. I better wash my socks. What's the difference between OFF and ON? I don’t know... but I'm pretty certain I didn't go to Thailand to piss off 9 young virgins.

Some people think Richard Branson's spacecraft project is over-ambitious. On the contrary, I think it's very down to earth. My dog always looks at me strangely when I undress, and I've finally worked out why. She knows what’s coming. Me! The families of the two prostitutes allegedly murdered by a banker in Hong Kong have demanded the death penalty. Hopefully someone will start a petition to extend this to bankers here. Villagers in Sierra Leone are now "clubbing together" to help fight Ebola. Personally, I think going clubbing isn't a good way to prevent Ebola, HIV, or giving birth to kids of the wrong color.

"On a scale of 1-10 how.." "10!" "..Impatient are you?" 11

John was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his cancer stricken father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million". Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

THIS IS REALLY WAT YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, ISNâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;T IT LADIES ???

12 A

What Pisses me off......... ONE People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? TWO People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. THREE When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? FOUR When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? FIVE When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the movies and stare at the fucking floor. SIX People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? SEVEN When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. EIGHT When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing

anyone ever fuckin does!! What can you do that's longer? NINE When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead? TEN People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, ELEVEN When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting. I always eat stuff I hate. TWELVE People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. THIRTEEN McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, I'll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fuckin McTosser. FOURTEEN When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off FIFTEEN When people say 'can I borrow a piece of paper I'll pay you back' It's one god damn piece of paper you fucking retards i don't want it back SIXTEEN When lazy twats abbreviate 'fucking' as 'fuckin'. Why?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES? A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful omen. After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 notes then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in ku klux klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a branch and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black guy is beyond me.'

"You can't say things like that over the radio," says the control operator. "Use politically correct police language." "Okay," replies the young cop. "Control, come in I need back up!" "What's the situation?" replies the smug operator. The young cop relies,

"ZULU TANGO SIERRA!"

Americans want flights from all Ebola affected countries to be banned. I think that the British should do the same. Starting with flights from America.

Responsible dog owners, do your bit for the environment. When your dog leaves a mess, bend down with your poo bag and just pretend to pick it up. That A young policeman, on his first day way, your bag will last much longer and on the beat, turns around a corner and help to save the planet. Also the dog spots a big black guy dancing, jumping crap that you have left will fertilise the up and down on the roof of a car. The grass and plants. copper gets straight on his radio, "Come in control, back up, I need back up!" he I see there's a UK version of Storage Hunters starting tomorrow. I bet they'll shouts. The control operator's voice probably come across a container full of comes over the radio, "What's the illegal immigrants. situation?" "A big fucking nigger is I just realized: The Mecca for jumping up and down, dancing all over a car roof," replies our boy in blue. paedophiles... is just Mecca! 15

An 8-year old girl on the next Britainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s got talent show, has been called the 'next Susan Boyle'. How fucking cruel is that?

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely. I was on a plane and Calling Wayne Rooney sitting next to me was an an England great, is the Arab man. So, just to be same as calling Jimmy safe, I asked, "Have you Savile a great babysitter. A wise Chinese man once got plans for tomorrow?" said, "If a dog barks it's The Welsh guy at work undercooked". is known to everyone as 'Jones the smoke'. He's I'm really upset that got lung cancer. Gemma Collins has left I managed to sustain an the jungle. I would love to see her squirm eating erection for the full hour that the cameras were something she thought rolling. How? Deep slow was really nasty, like a breathing, and the fact that fucking salad. everyone else there was My girlfriend and I went focused on the Nativity to a restaurant for dinner. play. It was a nice meal and we I love the song 'Tears On were ordering dessert. I My Pillow'. It reminds me asked the waiter how much the pie was. "ÂŁ3.14 of my niece. sir." he replied. "That's Ofsted have hit out at funny." I chuckled. "What's schools for being too that sir?" he asked. "That Downs syndrome boy just tried to hug a heater and burnt himself." I was starting my new job at the chemist this morning when some bloke walked in. "I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode." he said, "Have you got anything?" I said, "No mate, I feel fine." 16

English. Although they did concede they had yet to visit Burnley, Rochdale, or Bradford. My wife found out I'm having an affair with an air stewardess and, boy, was she furious.. Made the rest of the flight very awkward. I've just bought condoms to prevent my wife from getting pregnant. Now she just needs to convince her customers to use them. A British company is planning to send a probe to the moon and bury a time capsule of memory discs under the surface. A BBC spokesman said" And hopefully that will be the end of it". For my New Year's Resolution, I have decided to only smoke after sex. If 2014 is anything to go by, I've quit.

Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

football.

Husband and wife... BEFORE MARRIAGE: Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait! Wife - Do you want me to leave? Just seen the new Husband - No! Don't even gay advent calendar. think about it. It only has back Wife - Do you love me? doors. Husband - Of course! Always have and always I applied to join a will! neo-Nazi group. I Wife - Have you ever said to the leader, cheated on me? "So, where do you Husband - No! Why are folks stand on the Muslims?" He replied, you even asking? Wife - Will you kiss me? "The windpipe Husband - Every chance I What does a black kid get usually does the trick." get! for Christmas? My bike. A bloke in Stoke Wife - Will you hit me? Cheryl Fernandez-Versini on Trent has been Husband - Hell no! Are sentenced to nine months has complained to the you crazy?! in prison for stockpiling media that people will Wife - Can I trust you? always know her as Cheryl weapons at a compound Husband - Yes. just five miles from Alton Wife - Darling! Cole, the former wife of Towers. And I'm thinking AFTER MARRIAGE: a premiership footballer. Isn't five miles from Alton Read from bottom to top. That's unfair, because I'll always know her as Cheryl Towers still in their Tweedy, the belligerent fucking slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner car park? in a Surrey nightclub. What's the difference The police have just released my mother-in-law between a racist and a after questioning her rapist? Fuck about the murder of her husband. They only spoke knows, but apparently to her for 2 minutes it's fine for before coming to the conclusion he committed both to play suicide. professional 17

should approach the Tiger roaming around Paris at present. That's just as well as the urge to approach a Tiger in the street must be fucking overwhelming.

Why the fuck did The Flintstones celebrate Christmas? My neighbour's head popped over the garden fence this morning. I had no idea that ISIS had moved in. I thought I was going to have to return my wife's Anoexic Society advent calendar today, because none of the doors would open. Turns out she just didn't have the strength. I just saw the missing Tiger in Paris coughing. I really hope he only had a Frog in his throat and was not ill.

Where I work everyone is always playing practical jokes. This morning I left a P45 on Abdul from IT's desk. He laughed about it, but not as much as us. He asked, "How are you guys really has been sacked. making out?" I replied, "I Madonna's 'Like a virgin' always sneak into her came out 30 years ago. room at night." I wonder when her follow "Dad, can I have a phone up single, Like a hotdog in for Christmas?" "Not a hallway is coming out. unless you finish your yoghurtâ&#x20AC;Ś and anotherâ&#x20AC;Ś Sainsburys using the and get me some string." First World to flog their I asked my retarded son Christmas food is like B&Q Using Fred and what he did at school today. "I put a condom on Rose West to flog a carrot" he replied. "Ah, home improvement stuff. good old sex education" I I have invented a new said. "No. I was in Maths" rape alarm specifically for he replied. the obese ugly women. It shouts out French Police have issued "ME, ME, PICK ME"! a warning that no one

I saw my Indian neighbour put his son on the school bus this morning. Poor fucker was clinging on for dear life going under low bridges. My sister and I started schooling in a boarding school last week. My mum 18

I see that "Do they know it's Christmas" is to be re-released for Ebola victims. To be honest, I can't see that when you are squirting your liquefied intestines out through your arsehole, you are going to be too fussed about Christmas anyway. My girlfriend broke up with me after finding out what my mates used to call me in primary school. Jon Venables. A policeman pulled me over and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "Because you wanted to see how tall I am?" "Step out of the car, sir," he ordered. I said, "See, I told you." To go on "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here" would be a Muslim's dream. You don't have to wash for three weeks, you get to go to somebody else's country and get to eat the food you like, instead of that infidel crap. Two world firsts today as the Rosetta Probe successfully completed its mission. First time that a working electrical item has landed on a Comet, plus also it's the first time that Comet and working electrical item have been used in the same sentence.

If Sally recorded the number of all the cars that drove by her house in one hour, and eighteen were red, twenty-two were silver and fourteen were blue, what is the probability that Sally is autistic?

WHATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ON IN DECEMBER Tue 9th - PAUL CUNNINGHAM CHRISTMAS CAROL SERVICE, followed by JAY MARKWICK, FUSION SHOW. Fri 12th - SHAWADDY WADDY. Wed 17th - BELLA LUNA. Thurs 18th - XMAS QUIZ. Fri 19th - OUR 5 YEARS OLD BIRTHDAY PARTY. Sat 20th - KIDS XMAS PARTY Mon 22nd - MAGIC MUSICALS WITH STEVIE SPIT AND NIKKI G Wed 24th - SOULFUL XMAS WITH RICHIE ALEXANDER.. CHRISTMAS DAY - OPEN FROM 11AM

until I saw her taping them together.

They say most women love a man in uniform. Bullshit. I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a French maid and not one girl offered to suck me off. A review into how the Home Office handled child abuse allegations in the 1980's finds no evidence of a cover up by officials' (says an official.)

The Muslim at work joined us in two minutes of silence to respect Armistice Day. With duct tape round his mouth, arms and legs whilst shoved into a cupboard. My wife bought herself three dildos. I thought it must be one for each hole, 19

look of it, the guy wants to ejaculate into the lady's mouth." Met with a bunch of married mates the other day, but was late and only caught half of a conversation "....and I feel blessed to have had 3 in the last 4 years" "Yes" I said "children really are amazing aren't they". Turns out he meant blow jobs.

Everybody associates black people with rape, but they're also good at harvesting other types of grain, such as wheat, barley, oats and maize. It's unfair releasing Harry Roberts back into society to walk the streets of London. Especially since the last film he saw was planet of the apes. I was sagging my secretary when my wife walked in. "I can't stand watching you do this..." she sobbed. So I pulled out a chair for her. David Cameron has just announced that the UK deported a record 130,590 illegal immigrants in the past year. Apparently most of them got deported on a Friday. That way they got to spend a memorable weekend in Calais with their families before returning on the Monday. I was sitting at work with some friends smoking a spliff and drinking beer whilst watching porn on the computer, when unexpectedly my boss came back early from a business trip. "What is going on here?" he said, angrily. I said, "By the

It's a tad embarrassing when you think you're updating your own status only to realise you're on a friends wall and so posting on theirs and not your own! At such times confessing you're drunk and so need a good spanking seems more like an invitation rather than an honest confession. "Martin O'neill stands behind assistant manager, Roy Keane, following hotel incident." Probably was the safest place to stand. The new Sainsbury Christmas advert reminds me of our family. We meet up on Christmas day to exchange gifts only to begin hostilities again the following day. So I heard Charles Manson is getting married. Yeah, I didn't think life in prison was a strong enough punishment either. It has been confirmed that a charity record has been released in Sierra Leone by people suffering with Ebola. A spokesman has confirmed that the proceeds from the record will be sent to help clothe Sir Bob Geldof So feminists are saying Dr Matt Taylor deserved it for what he was wearing? Where have we heard that before? Dark humour isn't everyone's cup of a liquidised dead black baby. 20

I do love these dykes who say they will never be interested in anything a bloke has to offer. Then orders herself the latest cock shaped dildo for Christmas. I'm just back from my first ever stay in hospital. It was nothing like you see in the movies. None of the nurses tried to fuck me.

Open Christmas Eve & Christmas Day New Years Eve Party Hog Roast, Free Beer, Wine & Soft Drinks ONLY €30pp

Apparently kicking a pregnant woman’s stomach is only cute if it’s from the inside. I was a bit surprised to find my 15 year old niece on my doorstep when I came home from work. "Please don't be angry with me Uncle Andy," she said. "I've had a terrible row with mum. Can I stay here tonight?" "I'm not sure. Does your mum know where you are?" "No. You won't tell her will you?" "I'm sure we can work something out," I smiled, as I wiped her fingerprints off the door handle.

Monday´s Closed Wednesday´s 8:30pm Quiz Night Friday 4pm Fun Bingo Full Menu, Snacks, Eat In Or Take Away. Pool Table, Wii Sports & Resort Available to Play, Books For Sale..

Cadbury's have brought out a new box of chocolates for inconsiderate people. They're self centred. Those who say "see the beauty in all situations" .... Have obviously never sat on their testicle. Me and my wife are perfectly matched for each other. I'm a fat miserable twat, too. A LOVE POEM I will seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu

ALL I HAVE ANGEL BABY BOY BEAUTIFUL CLOCKS COME OVER DRIFT AWAY FIGHTER FRONTIN' GET BUSY

GET LOW GOSSIP FOLKS HEADSTRONG I CAN I WANT YOU I'M WITH YOU IGNITION IN DA CLUB INTO YOU INTUITION

LANDSLIDE LIKE A STONE LIKE GLUE MESMERIZE MISS YOU PICTURE RAIN ON ME RIGHT THURR SAY YES SENORITA

SO GONE SOMEDAY STAND UP STUCK SUGA SUGA SUNRISE SUPERMAN TROUBLE UNWELL

Find and circle all of the songs from 2003 that are hidden in the grid. The remaining 22 letters spell an additional song title from 2003. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck. 22

marriage interesting. My turn this week and I have to feel a bit sorry for the wife..... Ever since watching I'm a celebrity, I've been fantasizing about punching Gemma from Towie, right in the face.

I said to my son, "You were born at home a week early and nearly died, but the midwife saved your life." He said, "Really, what happened?" I said, "She turned up before I got the chance to hit you with a fucking shovel.

My wife asked for a scented candle for Christmas. I thought I may as well kill two birds with one stone so I bought her one that smelt of fish.

I've found a way we can make a huge donation to the Ebola cause. All we need is Bob Geldof's bank card and pin number. My teenage son left home without his phone this morning. When he returned he asked "Has the sky always been that colour?" I hate to see a woman crying her eyes out, tears and snot streaming down her face. It can really loosen the duct tape.

Slow PC? Improve the processor speed by resting your head in your hands and whispering c'mon for fucks sake. I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the ebola outbreak, but my anti-virus software wouldn't let me. Me and the wife have an agreement that we can act out any celebrity fantasy we desire to keep our 23

Seeing grandparents at Christmas is brilliant; it reminds you that, no matter how bad you get, there's always someone more racist than you. I'm going to see a palm reader. So on mine I've written, "Why don't you find a better profession?" I'll never be able to repay the man who saved my daughter's life. He works for Wonga. My son just asked me what itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s

like to have children. So I interrupted him every five seconds until he cried. I tried to sell a second hand clock but I had to withdraw it from sale because of the amount of people asking me if it was a wind up.

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did. As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs Foyt, my secretary?” “Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied. “Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman. “Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!” “You’d swear to that?” “Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs Foyt anytime, anywhere.” “Good, then you fire her!!! The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the seaside..!!!" I remember when I used to have regular anal sex, the tightness of the hole and it being eased in gently. The squeal of pain and the heavy breathing as orgasm was reached. I had a really shit childhood. The Muslim across the road started yelling, "I'm going to end it all!", and

started to pour petrol over himself. As he was about to strike a match, I shouted, "Abdul, no! Stop, wait, it's times like these that you need your family around you!"

Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of rowdy young lads pulls up alongside. "Oi, get your tits out you penguins!" shouts one of the lads. The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".. So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, "Fuck off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"! 27

We'd not been flying for long on our way to Spain for a short break, when the wife began having stomach pain. She called the stewardess over and nformed her. "It's possibly something you've eaten." Said the stewardess, sympathetically. "Have a little think, see if you can remember for me what you've had today, lovey." "Well not much today, what with rushing around to get checked-in for noon." Explained the wife. "So it was just the four sausage, two egg, bacon and black pudding for breakfast. With mushrooms, tinned tomatoes, just a few beans, I've gone right off them, and a couple of slices of fried bread. Four, if I remember right. Then at a toilet stop at motorway services I grabbed a couple of mars

bars... well that's what I wanted, but they didn't have any so I had to get a three-foot novelty Toblerone instead. And a large bag of Doritos. We made good time the rest of the way and got to the airport ten minutes early, so I popped into Burger King and had a whopper and milkshake. Don't like the chips though. Onion rings for me any day." "I think I've got just the remedy." Said the stewardess. "Get your tummy feeling better." "Oh, thank you." Said the wife. "Is it a liquid medicine, or a tablet?" "Neither. It's a fucking seatbelt extender, you fat cow. Richard Branson would make a perfect pilot for the next Virgin Galaxy Flight. As a kid he was diagnosed with ADHD. One minute he'd be in control then he'd have an explosive outburst and then float around staring into space. After thirty years with the same company a young executive took over and made me redundant claiming my way of working was out dated. I was distraught. As I made my way home I tripped over an old lamp and picked it up and gave it a rub and hey presto, out popped the genie. "I can only grant you one wish, " he said, "so away you go." "That twat who has just fired me, " I answered, "I want him to feel sorrow, humiliation, pain, suffering and rejection for the rest of his life, can you do that? " "Oh, I can do better than that, "replied the genie, "I can find him a wife." I called round to my mate's jacuzzi party. I said, "Room for five more?" He asked, "Why, who did you bring?" I replied, "Just the wife.â&#x20AC;?

she said to me with a wink, "Oh look, all seven pairs, you know what that means don't youâ&#x20AC;?? "Yeah," I said, "you haven't got a fucking tumble dryer. " I hate those old men who get completely naked in public changing rooms. Everyone can see me getting an erection.

You meet some right weirdos in the public toilets at Hampstead Heath. Only last night I met a fella who was going in to have a piss.

My wife asked me to knock something up in the kitchenâ&#x20AC;Ś And now the bloody aupair is pregnant.

The NHS are to pay fat people to lose weight, the wife seems interested. Extra money for chocolate.

"I'd like the fish please," I said to the waitress. "Plaice?" I replied "Erm.. here would be good."

Some guy said to me, "You've got your father's nose." I said, "I don't really, it's just my thumb between my fingers."

The BBC is currently filming a new series of "Outnumbered" This time it's about the British born people in the UK.

"Will you move out of the fucking way, I'm trying to watch The Walking Dead" I shouted at my wife. Watching the Give a Glaswegian a fish and he will eat Mother-in-law struggle to her car is for a day. Give a Glaswegian a fishing rod the highlight of my week. and he will swap it for some skag and I have five hundred Kit Kats in my won't need to eat for a week. fridge and my mate had one in his. My neighbour was singing in the shower I pressured him into giving his to a again this morning. I didn't mind though homeless person. That's basically how as I couldn't hear anything through the celebrity charity appeals work. telescope. I helped paint my paki neighbour's house. It is now a lovely shade of egg. I've started a petition to have all call centres based abroad and not in the UK. I'm fucking pissed off with my call being answered by someone who can't speak English. My breakfast is too hot. But I'm not one to blow my own crumpet.

My very large neighbour was hanging her massive knickers out on a line and 29

I had a Christmas present delivered today and the driver wanted me to sign for it. I said, "Why, are you fucking deaf?"

"You're such a fucking arsehole!" my wife shouted. "You only hear what you want to hear!" So I bent her over and pulled down her pants. "What the hell I love onions. They're great for cooking. do you think you're doing?!" she Plus, they come in handy at your mother screamed. "Exactly what you told me to: fuck...arsehole." -in-law's funeral. As I walked in from the pub last night my wife looked at me and said, "You've got shit all over your new trainers." "I know," I replied, "If you think they're bad you want to see the state of my legs."

My mate just rang me. Says he has an aggravating, pus-filled, lump. I was able to reassure him that it was nothing to worry about and that it's just how a lot of kids turn out once they become teenagers.

What's the difference between my fat arse wife and a fridge? Fuck all. They're both cold hearted and usually stuffed with food.

If you had waited three months for your NHS cancer specialist you would be dead, "said my BUPA specialist. "Thank god we caught it in time then, " I said with relief. "Oh no, we can't stop it, but I can tell you, you have three months left to live."

"My thoughts are with my young neighbour at this time." "Has there been an accident?" "No, she's just really hot." I've noticed there are some guys who don't like it if you strike up a conversation whilst standing next to them at the urinals. Apparently I should be pissing as well. I phoned my girlfriend and said, "What a day! I accidentally threw the dog's ball off a cliff." "Oh dear," she said. "Did you have to go down and get it?" I replied, "Nah. I'll not need it again anyway." I know someone who's rubbish at hide and seek when I see one.

What's the quickest way to dismantle an atomic bomb? Drop it on a Japanese city. 30

I told my wife I was bored of being unemployed. She said "take up a hobby! Try creative writing". I thought "that's a novel idea."

are most likely to commit violent crimes." Meanwhile police in America have suggested a more sure fire way; "Just shoot the black ones"

I've just been given two weeks to live. The wife's gone away for a fortnight.

Great Britain - We are sending ground forces into West Africa to combat the deadly virus, 'Ebola', and we are sending humanitarian aid to combat the terrorist organisation, 'ISIS'. How we ever won two world wars I'll never know.

Isn't it funny how smokers' lungs stop working after they turn black? The other day a bloke offered me a go on his ice rink for 10p. I thought, "What a fucking cheap skate." "Well, nan," I said. "This is where you will be staying eventually. Do you like it?" "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace," she shouted Apple's CEO Tim Cook has announced he is gay. Samsung's CEO is expected to announce tomorrow he is waaay gayer. "We're going to be together for the rest of our lives," smiled my girlfriend as we flew out to our dream holiday in Hawaii. "You seem pretty sure of yourself," I replied. "I am," she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire." How do you know which house is Banksy's? It's the big one with no fucking graffiti on it.

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective' 'You're still fucking late' replied my boss. "Right, I've been thinking." I said to the Oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would best to just let the disease take its natural course." My wife's eyes filled with tears. "We should have discussed this together." "My mind's made up." I insisted. "I think your wife's right," the Consultant said. "After all, she's the one with cancer."

"Police in London have tested software designed to identify which gang members 31

A little girl's prayer. Dear God For Christmas this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer ...

THE PASTOR IS LEAVING At the regular Sunday morning service, Rev. Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims "If Reverend Roberto stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Daniel, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If Reverend Roberto will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause.... Mary age 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If Reverend Roberto stays, I will give him sex!" There is stunned silence. This quite obviously leaves the Reverend Roberto blushing, so he asks her: "Mary, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mary's 70 year old husband, Mike, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "Fuck him!" Moral of the story: Women sometimes do not understand men talk!!

depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and 32

Some Thoughts on Sex. "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !" Jerry Seinfeld "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences Money can buy." Steve Martin "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns. 33

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that you do know, but deliberately choose not to be friends with? I see the police are investigating racist tweets towards Yaya Touré. It's fairly clear, if he wasn't a nigger, he wouldn't be getting them. I hope the police come down hard on the black bastard. I woke up with a big hand and a little hand drawn on my face this morning. Some fucker must have clocked me last night when I was drunk. The bank won't sponsor my charity to raise money for myopic kids born Despite common misconception, outside marriage. Short-sighted bastards. only 45% of Americans are classed as overweight. The other 55% are obese. Don’t you just love that new BUPA Before stating their opinion, some will advert. "One day Mary felt a bump... It was cancer. The doctor put her in a say `At the end of the day , . . . .'What they don't know is, at the end of the day, nice room and she felt better" She still everyone else is having drunken midnight had cancer though. They don't tell you that. sex and don't give a shit. I'm so jealous of my son. He has the Took the wife to get fitted for a new coolest dad ever. dress today and I couldn't believe it When I was in school I was told: when the tailor put the measuring tape PUSSY was a CAT around her waist and announced it was SEX meant GENDER only 42 inches. Until I realised he meant BITCH was a FEMALE DOG short. DICK was a NAME Tried to get financial backing for a new BANG was a SOUND business idea - edible greetings cards RUBBER was an ERASER for larger clients with a healthy appetite. ASS was an ANIMAL Unfortunately FatPig.com was deemed SCREW was just a TOOL derogatory and highly inappropriate. HEAD meant a PART OF BODY BALLS meant a ROUND TOY Some girls Facebook status; NUTS meant DRY FRUIT "MAGA WON'T KNOW 69 was just a NUMBER WHAT'S HIT IT!!" and then I came across No, I'm pretty sure Magaluf is used to “the jester” seeing a bunch of slags turn up, get and my education was fucking ruined. pissed, get fisted and leave. 34

I was watching some woman push along call in sick: "I can't come in today, I am a spastic in a wheelchair. Judging by his unwell and won't be able to use a wrist, it seems he was gay as well. phone.. Oh wait.." New Scientist magazine reports about a new study. Apparently men who are vegan have a much lower sperm count compared to those that eat meat. And the few sperm vegan men do have. want nothing to do with eggs anyway. If my wife has got 6 oranges in one hand and 6 apples in the other hand, what has she got? No chance of stopping an upper cut.

Bob Geldof having a go at Adele for declining to sing on Band Aid 30 saying she has a family now and doesn't want to be bothered......... Shame on her! Geldof has spent most of his years doing charity work, is now on his 3rd Band Aid and his family ain't complaining...Oh wait.......

'There's been a sharp rise in Dementia cases in men the last couple of years.' Sounds about right. That's around the same time Operation Yewtree was launched.

So FIFA have found no evidence of corruption in awarding the World Cup to Qatar. In other news all the pedophiles rounded up in operation Yewtree have been released from prison after an investigation headed by Rolf Harris found there was no case to answer.

Our local Paki taxi company has had all its vehicles fitted with bullet proof windows and steel doors with a bomb proof chassis. Ahmed Carz.

I bumped into a girl this afternoon that I fucked last weekend. "Hi, remember me?" I asked. "No?" she replied, with a puzzled look on her face. "Good," I said.

DJ Mike Read once famously banned the Frankie Goes To Hollywood gay anthem Relax. Which is pretty ironic considering that he now looks like a middle aged lesbian.

Crime down. Unemployment down. Wages outstripping inflation. All fantastic news for the government!. The Polish government.

The police say that victims are more willing to report a rape. If only they were more willing in other areas. Raping traditionally dressed Muslim women has its advantages. You're never too far from something to wipe your dick on.

What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common? I don't care if she has one or not. I think my wife's on a diet. She's bought a jar of mayo the ladle won't fit in.

Head and Shoulders. Because my wifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s shoulders are that fucking hairy, they need shampoo. It must be shit to work in a call centre. It would be awkward trying to 35

Christmas time. Valium and wine. Children indulging in serious crime. With dad on the weed and mum high on crack. Christmas is magic when your family is black! My South African mate has been depressed since the end of apartheid, but now he's found a way to keep whites and coloureds apart legally. He got a job in a laundry. When a leper messages you LMFAO there's a good chance they might be telling the truth.

to make up for a cut in its government funding. They do brilliant shhh kebabs. I always walk around with a megaphone. That way, if Facebook goes down, I need to be able to tell everyone that I've had dinner.

Which is an Islamic trait? A.heading B.heading C.heading

Why did the blind man cross the road? Because his Labrador was My mates have always mocked me about the chasing a cat. size of my penis. Although My leg won't stop mooing. The wine waiter was I've never heard the wife I think I've got a calf injury. ogling my girlfriend. "So, moan. I let my girlfriend down what do you recommend today. Well thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the only with the fish?" I asked According to serving way she would fit back suggestions , I'm a family impatiently. "I've got a in the Box. nice Semillon, "he replied. of four. So my local library has "Well, take your eyes off "Strap on" backwards started selling hot food her fucking tits then,". is "No Parts"

My daughter has just taken two black guys up to her bedroom to study together. From the sounds of it they're getting every revision question right.

with a couple of Downâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Syndrome girls. You can't beat having your meat in two veg. I Love the irony of Katie Price being on loose women.

After realising that I had accidentally eaten my clone, I shat myself.

I came on a massive pair on tits earlier. I really need to lose some weight.

Islamic State damaging Turkey trade. Those fuckers will cut the heads off anything. An IRA victim that has been missing since 1978 has been found dead in an Irish bog. Judging by their infrequency of cleaning I'm guessing it's a Wetherspoons one. McDonalds have a new Brazil burger, does that mean their meat is finally pube free? I passed my neighbour walking her dog last night. I casually walked past, minding my own business when the little fucker turned back and bit me on the leg! I was horrified. Even her dog looked appalled at what she'd done. My wife says I can't control my temper. The fact that she's still alive proves I FUCKING CAN. I'll never forgive myself for passing up the chance to say two words that could have made me happy forever: "I don't." I had a threesome last night

People often say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people. Apparently being a mother is the hardest job in the world. They are probably right. I can definitely see brain surgeons struggling to put Frozen into a DVD player.

I have a job interview tomorrow, and I'm going to show them that I'm good at delegating responsibility. I'm sending someone else to it.

red dwarf, and a black dwarf. Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn't stop colouring till 2 o'clock this morning. Bird Flu hits the UK experts say not to worry as it's no where near as man flu.

My self esteem is so low that I wear 3 jumpers to work in the hope that one of the office girls says that I look hot. What's the difference between a Jew and a man in prison? A Jew only got abused in the showers once. After my all night party my next door neighbour has just told me that I've won 'wanker of the year'. I had a real spring in my step on the way to work. I never win anything before. Thirty fucking years of the same shit song and not once has Bob thought just to buy the poor bastards a calendar so they would know when Christmas is. I called the Currys helpline and said, "I'm having some real PC problems." The technician said, "What's the main one?" I replied, "Well, I can't stand Pakis or queers." I recently played the ISIS version of Cluedo. It was some Brummie, in the desert, with a carving knife.

I overheard someone outside the shopping centre today shouting to this guy, "You can't park in the disabled space you fucking retard!" I thought, "Surely that means he can?"

A woman knocked on my door last night screaming, "You've got to help me, I've just been raped!" "Come in and calm down" I said, sitting her on the sofa. "Where did he rape you?" I asked. "In the park" she replied. I said, "No, I mean was it in the vagina or up the arse?" "Why do you want to know that?" she asked. I said, "Because I'm not the kind of guy who will stir another mans porridge." I cried my eyes out at my wife's funeral. I trapped my fingers in the coffin lid when I was making sure she was in there. Bono survives a door falling off a plane, then falls off a bike and needs surgery. Keep at it God, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll get him eventually!

10 years in pursuit and the Rosetta probe lands safely on a speeding comet. Craig Charles and Tinchy Stryder are in Meanwhile Malaysian airways are still 'I'm a Celebrity' this year. So we've got a struggling to land safely on Earth. 40

I walked past my buildings laundry room today only to find an attractive woman from my building in nothing but her underwear. "What?" She asked sarcastically, don't you ever need to wash your clothes?" "Yeah," I replied, "any second now."

Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space. After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her. "I'm afraid your wife's come down with something," the doctor told me, as I arrived at the hospital. "What is it?" I asked. "The plane and the rest of the passengers," he said. Bob Geldof has said he could not believe how much some of the artists sacrificed just to attend the filming for the Band Aid 30 video. Bono missed a TV show in L.A. Ed Sheeran missed a gig in Berlin. And Sinead O'Connor missed a shift at Matalan...

Police in Glasgow are hunting a wheelchair-bound man who carried out an indecent assault on a train. It just goes to show, in this day and age disability need not be a barrier to leading an active sex life. How to prevent Ebola: wash your hands frequently with soap and water. Muslims must be shitting themselves.

With the Strictly Come Dancing on tonight, I've been wondering who will get knocked out first. It'll probably be my girlfriend, as I want to watch the football. My wife's just left me because I'm suffering from aggressive Parkinson's Disease. I couldn't give a shit, wanking's brilliant now.

Every time Bob Geldof releases a single, it coincides with the death of thousands of Africans. It's about time he released an album.

I was reading about this 3 year old kid in China who weighs nearly 9 stone. His parents say he's so fat he can hardly walk to work in the morning.

Turnham Green got its name because of the large number of trees and parks. Won't be long before we see Bradford Brown and Brixton Black in the UK. Gemma Collins' real reason for leaving the jungle: Producers were scared, that she thought Tinchy Stryder was a freddo and would attempt to eat him.

Just like Bob Geldof, pakidating.com never provides any decent singles. My wife said sex was getting boring and she wanted to try something new. She asked me to strangle her during sex because she read it heightened the pleasure. And it really did, for me anyway. Her funeral is in 3 days.... 42

Two Canadian seal cubs were talking, one says to the other. "Finally, they've started culling parliament. " During the shootings in Ottawa yesterday, hundreds of people could be seen running away from the scene. Typical French Canadians. Due to the popularity of the Mobo awards MTV are doing a special on the "works of gangsters".or "WOGS". So 70's icon Alvin Stardust had died. After his cremation he'll simply be known as Dust! Is it too soon to say Alvin Stardust touched my coo Ca choo? Alvin Stardust famously sang about feeling like Buddy Holly. He does now. Libyan intelligence are currently investigating reports that Muammar Gaddafi has in fact faked his death and has assumed the identity of Renee Zellweger A jogger who collided with David Cameron in the street says he 'had no idea' it was the Prime Minister. He told reporters, "If I'd known who he was I'd have smacked the prick in the mouth." A senior Conservative has been criticised by the Prime Minister for saying that some towns feel 'swamped' by immigrants and rebuked for using unhelpful language. I agree. Infested, blighted, ruined, dirty, left in need of fumigation and utterly fucked would be a much more helpful description. My thoughts are with David Cameron this evening. It must have been a terrifying ordeal, bumping into the

average man on the street. Robbie Williams broadcasting his wife's labour. I can see why, it'll probably be the only time when he can prove he isn't the biggest twat in the room. Unless he dies or does a runner. I promise no more Pistorius jokes. So frustrating. All I'm saying is I can see it from Oscar Pistorius' point of view. That's not the controversial bit. Here it comes, I blame her. If she hadn't been in that disabled toilet none of this would have happened. I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff. Checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door. Turns out there was no one there! Just when Oscar Pistorius thought it couldn't get any worse. He gets allocated the top bunk. Oscar Pistorius's sentence was so lenient, I had to look up Reeva Steenkamp's picture on the Internet to reassure myself she was white. Oscar Pistorius is so depressed in the prison hospital wing, he's been put on suicide watch. Whenever he goes to the bathroom, a nurse knocks on the door to check he's okay. Talk about rubbing it in. This morning Oscar Pistorius got the biggest fright of his life. When he opened his eyes, he had trouble breathing and he couldn't see anything so he figured he'd gone blind. Luckily, it was just his black cellmate teabagging him. 44

Bar Liquid – Cabo Roig Bar Med – Cabo Roig Black Horse – Cabo Roig Breakaways – Pueblo Principe Breeze Bar – San Miguel C&G Fabrications – Los Dolses Canal Print Rioja - Rioja Clarke’s Bar – Playa Flamenca CRC Computers – Cabo Roig Croeso Inn – La Florida Cutting Crew – Camposol Cutting Crew - Quesada Drivers – Villamartin El Almacen – Torretas III El Mirador – San Miguel Evolutions – La Fuente Express Internet - Torrevieja Flying Farmer – La Zenia Friendly Bar - Citrus GT Autos – Los Dolses Gossip Bar - Rioja Ibertech – Quesada Joes Pub - Quesada Kennedys Supermarket – Los Montesinos La Marina Lavenderia – La Marina La Piscina Bar – Torrevieja La Rioja Bar - Rioja Los Lobos – Via Park III

Legends – Flamenca Beach Maceys – Flamenca Beach Macklins Welcome Inn. Via Park III Moore’s Bar – Cabo Roig News Express – Punta Prima New Tavern – San Miguel Open All Hours – La Zenia Pablos International – Playa Flamenca Palmer’s Bar – Mil Palmeras Porterhouse – Rioja Que Pasa – Villamartin Plaza Rayz Bar – El Raso Ready Made Curtains – Los Dolses Reflections – La Siesta Rendezvous – Pueblo Principe RTs – Lomas de Cabo Roig SPC International – La Siesta Sporting life – Los Dolses Sports Bar – Flamenca Beach Summers Bar – El Galan Taberna el Naranja - Vistabella Tavern – Villamartin Plaza Venue Bar – Villamartin Plaza If you have an outlet and would like to stock the Jester Magazine, contact Graeme at Canal Print Rioja on 966 764 403 or by email canalprintrioja@aol.com

You can now read “The Jester”. On line. Just go to our web page

www.jester-mag.com to see every issue of “The Jester” and even print out the pages you like. You can also see items that we could not put in “The Jester” due to size or the fact it contains moving images. Enjoy. 45

If you have a Charity and you wish to appear in â&#x20AC;&#x153;The Jester â&#x20AC;&#x153; (F.O.C.) Please contact the editor on: 664 10 60 10 or e-mail: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk.