Jester issue 60

Issue 60 January

Happy New year, dear reader.

I hope you had a good one. Sod it, who am I kidding. The brighter of you will have realized that as I write, it is not yet 2015.

This is because, due to holidays and other commitments, unless we got this issue out before the end of December.

You would not have had this bit of depravity in your mucky little paws, until the middle of January at the earliest. And we know how tetchy you can get, when it’s late. So play along okay?

I had a great time on New Years eve.

Got drunk and ended up sleeping in the fire place. I slept like a log.

Here we go again 2015 and only 40 more issues to go until we reach 100.

I wonder if we will get a letter from the Queen and I don’t mean Elton John. And then the knighthood for yours truly. It has to happen, doesn’t it? As you may have realised, I have started my festive drinking early.

It has been revealed that the most popular boys name in 2014 in the UK was Mohamed. Now there’s a shocker.

Here is a tip for all you readers. Put a Tenner, on that being the Christian name of the Prime Minister of the UK, within the next 30 years. I have. It will

help with my pension. Because if I am right with my prediction. People like me will be getting sod all from the Government, when that happens.

I dread the thought. With luck (and from what I have heard people call me), by then I will be having a nice hot dinner in a very, very hot place.

Flames everywhere.

So the CIA have been accused of torture. Once again, we have the bleeding heart liberals up in arms, that a few TERRORISTS were tortured.

Will these people never learn, that we are at war and if that is what it takes to defeat these evil bastards. Then, so be it. Perhaps the TERRORISTS would have preferred to have been locked up, in fear of their lives every day. Then put in front of a camera and had their heads cut off. Someone should ask them or the people screaming blue bloody murder about their treatment by the CIA. I think I know what their answer would be.

Oh well, it doesn’t matter what I think or say. Whilst the west are vilified by the TERRORISTS and by their own people. We will never win.

Till February.

Take care.

Ed. AKA Mohamed.

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Dear Editor, If orange is the new black how come gingers aren't being sold into slavery?

Dan the Man. Torrevieja.

Thanks Dan. It is only the first month of 2015 and the insults have started already.

Ed. Dear Editor, I was in a supermarket today and I genuinely heard this over the tannoy: "Will Miss McCann please report to the lost property desk". I nearly had a stroke.

Jim. Doncaster.

I can not believe, that you would think of pleasuring yourself in a supermarket. What ever the reason. Disgusting!

Ed. Dear Editor, Never judge a man until you've had sex with his wife.

the home cooking?" he sympathised.

"No" I replied. "I just skip everywhere".

Andy. Bigastro.

Dear Editor, My Doctor has advised me to start running. I'm not ill or anything, I've been shagging his wife.

Dan the man. Torrevieja.

Dear Editor,

My boss walked past my desk and said, "Where's the picture of your loved one gone?" I said, "My wife found out about it."

Ian. Crevellente.

Dave. La Marina.

I bow to your superior knowledge.

Ed. Dear Editor, I was telling my colleague at work that since my wife died I've lost so much weight. "Missing

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Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League.

I told my wife I love her and she gave me a blow job. Who says honesty is the best policy?

My son told he might be gay, but he wasn't sure.

So I put on some gay porn, and asked, "Well, does this turn you on?"

Disgusted, he said, "Not really." "Why?" I asked.

"Do the penises and hairy bums not do it for you?"

"They usually do," he replied. "But not when it's you and uncle Kenny."

Just before I popped my girlfriend's left breast into my mouth I said, "Don't judge me, but this is the first time I've done this".

"Well that's not strictly true" she laughed. "There's always your Mum". "Of course" I replied. "Well this is the first time in the last couple of years then".

"Have some fucking dignity about yourself and at least use a fucking dildo or something." "Oh piss off Dave." She snapped, "What do you think I'm looking for?"

During the days of the slave trade, over half the slaves on ships died before they even reached Britain My girlfriend came up to and could be put to work. me the other day and said, Proof that blacks have "Darling, I've just found always been lazy bastards. out that I'm pregnant!" So, The worst thing about being a the type of guy I being in my forties is that am, I did the honourable I can't get teenaged girls If you look back you thing and got down on will find you did not tell one knee. And punched as to have sex with me. It's like being a teenager again. enough people to fuck off. hard as I could.

Start now; it is the first I remember the nights I walked in from work day of the rest of your life. when I used to finger 3 this evening to find my "You always buy me a slag of a wife lying on the girls in one night. God, I miss speed dating in Essex. birthday present that couch, naked, with her you want for yourself," legs in the air, sliding a I’ve just noticed that complained my wife. coat hanger in and out of the man appearing on As I led the prostitute her pussy. "Oh for fuck's the ''Men At Work'' road sake, you slut." I said. up to the bedroom. sign is black. How ironic.

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A young man decides to tell his mother that he's gay. Upon hearing this news his mother asks, "Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth and swallow their semen?" The son sheepishly replies, Well‌ yeah." His mother looks him in the eyes and says, "Good, then don't ever want to hear you complain about my cooking ever again."

My wife said, "You never say anything romantic to me." So I said, "You might be a fat cow, but you're my fat cow." Sometimes you just have to show them your soft side.

Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League.

My son is a toy boy. I'm Take two bottles into the worried about him, 19 shower? Try Alcoholics years old and still playing Anonymous. with Lego sets.

Another huge sinkhole

I went over to help my lesbian neighbours with their washing. They went fucking mad and threw me out of their bathroom.

My wife took the first I can't help but think that spoonful of her soup, Hitler was a decent bloke and winced. "Oh fuck, who had his priorities my mouth!!" she groaned. wrong. Why didn't he pick "Where was that comma?"

Muslims instead of Jews.

I asked.

opened up in Russia. At least we know it's not Katie price sunbathing in the nude as it's far too cold.

Elton John's husband is such a gentleman that when Elton's about to play the piano he pushes his stool in for him.

I told my manager "I don't want to be behind a computer for the rest of my working life" and he said "why don't you sit in front of it then you prick, you’ll be able to reach the keyboard and see the monitor then too".

Katie Price has stated that she is not planning to have any more children. She's had a man-hole cover fitted.

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babysit her tomorrow.

"You know, baby.." my wife whispered into my ear after we'd made love, "you make every time feel like it's the first time." "Wow, thanks."

I replied, "I'm flattered."

"Don't be." She said, "It's because you're shit."

When you see an abled Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. black man parked in a disa-

Water boarding was used by the CIA after 9/11 on al Qaeda suspects a report for the senate has said. Human rights lawyers have argued that this should be seen as torture.

My mate said, "I hope I win the lottery tonight. I've got 6, 3, 20, 38, 15, 42 as my numbers, what are the odds?" I said, "3 and 15."

bled space, don't be mad at him. It's probably not his car.

I couldn't believe it today when my Muslim neighbour introduced me to his new wife. Cheeky fucker asked me to

For a few weeks I have struggled with the dark mornings and early dark evenings, I have felt my mood go down and felt very depressed and almost had to go to the doctors for Prozac, but light is at the end of the tunnel and without their help my mood would still be black.

So Liverpool FC I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I wish those fucking Indian whingers would stop moaning about arranged marriages. I've looked into it in depth.

Many hours of research. And I have reached my conclusion on the topic.

If you don't arrange it, no one will turn up.

Got slapped in the face at a News Years party last night. All I did was ask a woman for a kiss under the cameltoe.

I agree pull their fingers nails out fair enough, but making the filthy camel fuckers have a wash, that's a step to far..

If Bob Geldof wants to help the victims of Ebola. Instead of releasing that stupid song. The scruffy twat should do a sponsored wash, shave and fucking haircut!

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I just overheard my girlfriend telling her sister that she's taking her retarded boyfriend to the pub tonight. I can't believe the bitch is cheating on me.

I tried to fit 100 police officers into a Mini Cooper. It was a struggle at first but then I made one a sergeant and the rest crawled up his arse.

I keep getting spam emails offering me penis enlargements and diet supplements. Someone knows far too much about me.

My son couldn't be bothered to go to his Hereditary Apathy Support group today. I would've made him, but, y'know.

My mate said, "Wow, your car looks awesome since you had it lowered!"

"I haven't had it lowered, you cheeky twat!" I replied. "I've just picked my wife up from McDonald's."

I was in court today and the judge asked, "How do you plead?" I replied, "Usually on my knees when I want to fuck my wife. But I'm here for parking on double yellow lines so fine me and fuck off."

I've always been told that if you want your child to be good when they're older, you must stretch them when they're younger. So I've lent my daughter to my mate Winston Odinga.

My girlfriend saw me coming out of Ann Summers with an office colleague of hers. "You disgusting bastard!" She screamed. "So Sarah is your favourite, eh?" "Don't be silly," I said, pulling her to one side. "She's not." "Oh, really?" she beamed. "Yes," I replied, "My neighbour' daughter is my favourite, then it's Sarah."

I should probably smoke less weed.

I tried to leave my house through my mirror, but some twat kept getting in my way.

What's got curly hair, rubber lips and sticks to a car window? Harvey Price!

It has just occurred to me that king Henry the eighth must have been a Muslim......... The clues are all there, his love of beheading, the abolition of a religion, his love of wearing sandals, the dirty beard and his desire to have a young boy.

More than 3,400 migrants have died attempting to reach Europe across the Mediterranean this year, But on the bright side, fisherman have reported that the mackerel are much larger this year.

The Scout Association has said it was "deeply sorry" for anyone hurt by abusers' actions, especially as they never got a badge for it‌ Waterboarding must be the utmost punishment for Africans. Imagine being tortured with something you actually walked five miles for.

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Quiz for those who think they know it all. Answers on page 43.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'Dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S'.

Paddy goes into a Photo Shop with two photographs, one of his family and one of his old uncle Jack. He says to the Graphic designer.... "We never got a photo of the whole family with old Uncle Jack in it. Can you put this Photo of Jack into my family photo?"

"No Problem says the designer I can Photo shop it in..." "And can you take his hat off" says Paddy..." I never liked it". "Sure, No problem. But tell me what colour hair did he have?" Paddy Replies "Shure won’t you see that when you take is hat off............"

I recently killed my wife and hauled her corpse into the boot of my car and I'm now driving somewhere to bury it. Mind you, I'm having great fun with these sudden bursts of acceleration that let me do wheelies.

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Porn studios have more clean sheets than Liverpool FC. 8

like the snow then?". He said "No, I just hate blacks".

My wife has always teased me about having a small penis. Well, after 20 years I've just found hers and it's smaller than mine.

I never listen to people Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. properly. The doctor says it's because I've got 80HD. I was just watching some teacher a note from my Katie Price releasing a excellent lesbian Thai dad, "Ok, James, "she cover of Aqua's porn, Just three horny said," can you please tell Barbie Girl. girls, getting dirty with your dad that I have a I'm a Barbie Girl, each other, giving each boyfriend and I don't In a Barbie world, other blow jobs... fuck on a first date.

Tits are plastic, Hang on.

I started a hiking club.

Son's a spastic.

Its list of rules includes I licked out a prostitute this one, "We will provide He can't comb his hair, behind the skips round He dribbles the back of Sainsbury's last you with your backpack everywhere, upon arrival. You're night. You can Taste the It's fantastic, forbidden to bring your Difference.

Little black spastic, own. Just in case you're a "I think I've been bitten Come on Harvey lets Muslim." on my bum," said my wife, go party!

Last night bending over and pulling up her skirt. "Can you see I visited a house of it?" "Oh my God!" I said. ill-repute. I "It's absolutely massive!"

"Is it?" she replied. "Yes," I don't know why they said, "it's going to take a call it that. while to check."

That place What do most girls say was fucking when they experience awesome. their first orgasm? Gulp.

My mate It's been 5 years to the Dave said day since I quit drinking. to me he And 4 years, 364 1/2 hopes it's a days since I started again. white in As the PE lesson was January. I about to start I gave the said "you 9

It’s that time of the month again when the wife becomes an irritable, irrational nutcase for the next few weeks !!!

The1st.

Macklin´s Welcome Inn. Via Park 3

Poker

Armed robbery on a bank. It can provide a life of luxury and relaxation, never having to worry about money, food, bills or amenities again. And that's just if you get caught.

Every Wednesday and Friday

Bingo

Saturday 2pm

I said to my mate, "I had a suspicion my wife was cheating on me, so I set a trap to catch her." "And did it work?"

He replied. I said, "Too right it did.

That bear trap nearly took her fucking foot off."

Quiz

Sunday 9pm We now hold a Bookmakers Licence All sports betting legally available here!

An extremely ugly fat bird walks into a pub and shouts, "If anyone can guess my weight, they can shag me." A guy in the corner replies, "93 stone, you fat cow."

"Close enough," she replies, "you lucky bastard!".

I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. Why the fuck did you tell them that?

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being "self-centred". I prefer to think of it as Bob Geldof has helped save the lives of "well-balanced". millions of Africans. Although his record The wife and I had a huge fight. I found isn't quite so good with white people. out that she had been cheating on me.

So I just thought to myself 'Water under I had just finished shagging the wife the bridge' It really helped me actually. when she turned around to me and It carried her body away perfectly. said, "I've named your cock Leroy" I smashed my Gran's back door in I said, "why, because it's long, thick last night. She was locked out, you and makes you cum?" "No", she said, sick fuckers. "because it's dark, stinks and it's lazy".

Farting.... a Jamaican looking at Due to a mental health disorder my something a long way away...... wife was sectioned today. I went fucking Shooting….

Something a Jamaican crazy and chopped her into 8 pieces. puts on his foot.

Some people measure themselves with external accomplishments like wealth, social status, even vanity; and others use internal ones; such as honesty, sincerity, simplicity, humility and generosity…

Myself, I use a ruler with the first four inches cut off.

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"You haven't seen 'Shawshank Redemption'? Where have you been for the last twenty years?"

I asked the new guy at work.

"In prison," he said.

I successfully re-created the Pamplona Bull Run today. I dropped 10p in Primark.

I was on a date with a girl last night when I asked, "Can you give yourself oral sex?" "No," she replied. "Can you do it?" I said, "Sure, get your knickers off."

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Paddy and Mary get married and are booking into the Hotel and the receptionist says....... "Just married eh, So You'll be having the Bridal" "NO Need" Says Paddy "I'll Hold her down by the ears......."

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

My sexy blonde girlfriend wants me to get rid of the mirror I'd installed on the bedroom ceiling. She says "It's too hard to get dressed lying down."

When my daughter came home from school to find her pet rabbit missing she looked everywhere for it, Eventually asking me, "Where can he be?" " Maybe you should look somewhere where there might be carrots" I suggested "That's a good idea" she replied "And peas, onions and gravy" I added as I dished up stew for dinner.

Watching the Weakest Link with my flat mates, when one of them says "See if Anne Robinson was 60 years younger, I wouldn't say no". I said, "She's only about 65 though" and he replied "Exactly�.

School boy suspended for making 14k selling crisps at school. Not so much a young Alan Sugar, more an Alan Savoury.

People who are scared of paedophiles need to grow up.

A woman who can't have a baby, Is she unbearable, impregnable or inconceivable?.

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HE SAID TO ME. 1) He said to me….

I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it I said to him…… You wear pants don't you?

2) He said to me………… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said to him .. That's a good idea .

You stand by the stove and sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.

3) He said to me…….. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him.

Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

4) He said to me……. Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him…… They don't have time.

woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said to him…… A widow.

8) He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him…….. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

9) He said to me….. Why are you women so bad at parking cars.

I said to him….. We can’t judge length, because you keep telling us that that thing between your legs is six inches.

I overheard my wife telling her friend that she can't wait to start having passionate sex as soon as her headache fucks off tomorrow. I got excited until 5) He said to me… How many men I remembered that I was going on a does it take to change a roll of business trip tomorrow. toilet paper? I said to him……. I don't know; it has never happened.

6) He said to me…..

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him…….

They already have boyfriends.

7) He said to me…

What do you call a 12

12 A

Scottish insults, for the New Year.

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back.

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan.

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin pish off a nettle.

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege.

I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole.

Mair chins than a Chinese phone book.

She smells like an alkies carpet.

She has seen more jap eyes than an oriental optician.

It's like shaggin a pail of water.

It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak.

She's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher.

Fanny like a ripped out fireplace.

Face like a sand blasted tomato.

Arse like a bag of washing.

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese Restaurant.

She's seen more helmets than Hitler.

Face like a stuntman's knee.

She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab.

Like opening the window and shagging the night.

She's seen more cockends than weekends.

A left her with a face like a painter's radio.

Fanny like a clown's pocket.

Fanny like a Hippo's yawn.

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out.

I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet.

More pricks than a second hand dartboard.

Face like a blind joiners thumb.

She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew.

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo.

Even the tide wouldn't take her out.

Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard.

Handled more balls than Dino Zoff.

Pish flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags.

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout.

A twat like a burst couch.

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters.

She's had more seamen than Saltcoats.

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy.

She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi.

Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun.

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Working down the sewers isn't all bad.

The urine, faeces, bloody tampons and stench certainly make going down on the missus a little easier.

My wife gave me the ultimate oral pleasure today. She sucked my dick without saying a word.

"Sorry I've been a bitch," said my wife.

"It's that time of the month again." I had a look at the calendar. "Oh yes," I said.

"It's a day with a 'y' in it."

When I was 17, my dad told me that I was too young to settle down and that I should play the field. So it's his fault I married a cow.

I never realised how thick blondes were until my girlfriend told me she had paid ÂŁ250 for a pair of Chipmunks.

"But they wont talk like Chip and Dale do," she wailed. I took one look and cried, " You stupid thick cow, of course they won’t talk, they're fucking squirrels."

I phoned my dad and asked him if he knew any good pranks I could play on my son at his 18th birthday party. He said, "Get drunk and have sex with his girlfriend." Confused, I asked, "How is that a prank?" He replied, "It worked for me."

A foreign bloke asked me "What are those really annoying black and yellow creatures that sting people?" I replied "They're called Traffic Wardens."

A girl from work asked if I'd drive her home yesterday because it was raining heavily. I agreed, we got talking, mainly about everyday things, what we liked doing, then about work for a bit. We got to her house before long. She

thanked me, went to get out of the car, stopped, looked hard at me and whispered, "How did you know where I lived?"

I pulled my pants out my arse earlier.

That's when the birthday kid's mother said, "What kind of sick magician are you?".

"You haven't completed the 'Sexual Orientation' box," said the interviewer.

"I know," I replied, "I didn't understand the question." "Well," he explained, "if you find women sexually attractive, you are heterosexual. If it's men, you're homosexual. If you find both attractive, you're bisexual. And if you aren't attracted to men or women, you are asexual." "Put down 'asexual' then" I replied, gazing longingly at his border collie.

I thought Match.com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find a possible wife.

So I was close.

For sale.

Magic eye picture. First to see will buy.

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A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any fucking bread. Ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar, you irritating bastard bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren't so hot either.

Why did the Essex girl wear a wedding dress when she got married?

Because her onesie was in the wash.

I found a young homeless girl hidden out by the bins

last night. She was dirty and didn't smell too good but, underneath the grime, I could see she was pretty and had a good body.

I brought her inside and gave her a bath. As I was towelling off her naked body, I became aroused and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, I was making passionate love to her. I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was alive.

Then there was the man who lived in a Tyre.........

He got a puncture , Now he Lives in a flat.

I phoned my wife earlier.

"I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

I know my ABC's.

A. She's always right B. I'm always wrong C. I will get some if I My wife's just like Heather follow A and B. Mills. She only wears half If you don't have a TV the fucking shoes she buys. licence, you could get I think the wife is getting sent to prison.....Where a little overweight. If I sit you can watch TV all day, next to her to watch telly without needing a licence.

I lose the signal on my The Muslims were not phone. really bothered about One time, my girlfriend the CIA'S waterboarding and I did it doggy style for techniques. It was when half an hour!... Or four they started using soap minutes human time. with it they got scared.

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we ate on the beach.

Then my wife washed up and spoiled whole fucking day. I should have weighed her down more.

"You really do need to cut down on the smoking, drinking and fatty foods, and your sexual health is pretty dreadful, frankly I amazed you have lasted You can always tell so long. " Said my doctor. the girls that are up He can fuck off, it's my for sex on Facebook. 100th birthday next week and I'm going to have a The fat ones. fucking good time.

My wife has always been shit at driving. Haven't felt much like sleeping with the wife the It doesn't matter if last few days because she's it's a golf club or a got "women's problems". car, she'll always manage to hit a tree. She won't fucking shut up.

Scientists have recently uncovered a diagram that demonstrates the perfect masturbation technique hidden in the margins of one of Leonardo da Vinci's notebooks. The discovery is being hailed as a "stroke of genius".

Why is lesbian porn so intriguing? It’s the only time 2 or more girls can be in the same room and happily get along.

I broke up with my new French girlfriend after we had dinner in the nude. The bitch said I had a small penis. She said, "Boner petite" or something like that.

Being an OCD sufferer I'd like to put my CDs in alphabetical order but beign dyxelsic means I can't.

People always say, "All mouth and no trousers" as though it were a bad thing. To me it sounds like a perfect weekend!

What a birthday I've had.

First my daughters cooked a lovely family meal which 17

"A little salty, a definite aroma of the Scottish salmon, and just a hint of perfumed soap." A wine taster going down on his girlfriend.

I bought a self-help tape the other day. It was called "How to handle disappointment."

When I opened the box, it was empty.

perfume made from holy water. Eau my God.

I notice that successful singer Alfie Boe never mentions his brother Sam. What's black, white and starving? Lindsey de Pauls cat.

Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just don't know enough I don't understand why taken the time to put about baseball to finish all the religious people are lovely bouquets of flowers the metaphor... whining about the abuse I by the side of the road.

What does Hiroshima give them on the internet. It really brightens up my in Japan and an ISIS camp Why don't they just pray drive to work. have in common? Nothing. for me to stop?

In an effort to explain Yet! I asked my doctor if it marriage to my son I put Last week I got home was normal for guys to Dora the Explorer on in and said to my new get an erection when he Spanish and told him to cleaner, "Your washing figure it out or he sleeps sticks his finger up their up is poor, your ironing on the couch. arse during a prostate is poor and your floor exam. "Yes" he replied, My wife was complaining cleaning is not very good "but you’re the first one that I was excluding her either.. Is there anything to grab my wrist and ride from my online life, so I you are actually good it reverse cowgirl." gently took her hand in at?" "Blow Jobs." she mine and used her finger replied. I am pleased to After my mate killed my wife in a car accident, to scroll. say, we are now happily I told him, "You'll never I've just invented a married. know how this feels."

Then he proved me wrong by winning the lottery.

I said to my parents, "Mum, Dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on." "Okay, cool," they replied. "Your cases are outside," I added.

I'd just like to thank all those people who have 18

A painter by the name of Maher, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to €10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."..........

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.

Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with many other patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at

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me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.” These Islamic terrorists don't know what torture is, last Christmas I got the Miranda box set...

Movember.

Making men look like paedophiles since 2003.

19

pint of Fosters. I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth.

So I gave him another blow job.

My wife was doing the crossword today and asked me what the name for a partially vitreous by-product of smelting ore to separate the metal fraction from the unwanted fraction was. "Four letters," she asked. "Slag," I said. "That's the one," she replied.

What a coincidence!

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "we have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "we Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "but we built the Roman Empire" And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

"Son, are you gay?" Asked my worried blonde wife. He replied, "No mum, I've got a girlfriend for fuck sake." To which she turned to me and said, "Oh dear God Dave, our son is a lesbian."

Every Thursday night for the last year, I have been perched at my window, lights off watching this sexy female getting changed. It's always been at 6:30 on a Thursday. Which worked out great as my wife went to bingo at 6pm. Last week.. nothing... This week.. Nothing.

Turns out she has left Brownies and Guides is on a Friday night.

First God tells us to go forth and multiply, then he tells us not to commit adultery, then a virgin gives birth to his son. I really don't think he has a fucking clue what he's talking about.

My girlfriend has left me a note: "I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted." Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic. And I can't help it if I have big toes.

I gave my first ever blow job to my boyfriend today. Afterwards I had a 20

I went to B&Q and said to a staff member, "I'm looking for a dildo rail." He said, "I think you mean dado rail." I said, "No it's definitely dildo. I'm going to put it up myself."

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey with my daughter. Like the one where she gets a job right out of college.

17 year old Susan asks her dad if she can borrow the car.

DAD: "Only if you suck my dick, Susan. You know the rules..." Susan sighs and drops to her knees. Dad whips his dick out and she gets to work. Instantly, she recoils in disgust. SUSAN: "Eurrghh! It tastes like shit!" DAD: "Yeah, your brother wanted to borrow twenty pounds..."

obviously pissed."

Taking inspiration from 'I'm a celebrity' My wife was feeling ignored. "Can you I ate a cows testicle, a pigs eyeball and a remember the last time you carried me sheep's penis last night. Or a Lidl sausage upstairs and made love to me all night?" roll as it's known. she asked. "Of course not," I said. "I was My girlfriend shouted, "Why did you cheat on me?" "Accidents happen," I told her, "I won't do it again." "Promise me?" she asked. "I promise," I replied, "She's dead now anyway."

I bumped into my ex in town earlier.

I said: "How's your new bloke?" "He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?" I said, "Thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat cow."

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.

"People will believe any old shit if they read it on the internet, pricks." Ghandi.

I'm not sexist.

All my cleaners are women.

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ACAPELLA ACID ROCK ACOUSTIC AMBIENT AVANT-GARDE BIG BAND BLUEGRASS BROADWAY CABARET CHORAL

CHRISTMAS CLASSIC ROCK DANCE DISCO ELECTRONICA FLAMENCO FOLK GANGSTA RAP GOTHIC HEAVY METAL

HIP HOP INDIAN INDIE JAZZ LATIN MUSIC LOUNGE MERENGUE MEXICAN NEW WAVE POLKA

PSYCHEDELIC PUNK ROCKABILLY SAMBA SOUL TANGO WALTZ WORLD

Find and circle all of the different types of music that are hidden in the grid.

The remaining 14 letters spell an additional type of music. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details.

The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck.

22

there's a baby growing in my tummy'. 'Oh okay', he said, 'but what the fuck is growing in your arse then!?'

I saw a passed out drunk guy at the nudist camp.

So I drew a face on his penis.

I used to hate it when my mum would dress me and my brother in the same "Is it me, or are Mars Bars master debators. Turns clothes. We could hardly out they are just a bunch a lot smaller than they walk. of wankers. used to be?" asked my Fuck the Koreans. The wife. "No, it's your fanny Just missed my train by only yellow people I trust getting bigger," I replied.

59 minutes. Next one are the Simpsons. not due for 1 minute..

Having chatted with a I came home early today Bloody typical. few obese people about to discover my wife naked their problem, I now My little boy was looking in the lounge, listening to know the reason they're at my naked pregnant wife Barry White, with two all so fat. It's because when she stepped out of glasses of wine in front of they're full. Of excuses. the shower. 'Mum, you're her. "I bloody knew it!" I I thought our politicians getting fat', he said. 'Yes', shouted. "You do have a she replied, 'that's because drinking problem". were supposed to be

23

I live on a cul-de-sac, which is French for "Everybody here is white".

I'm surprised Prince Harry's secret fear is public speaking. I thought it would be tunnels.

It's strange how Muslims are more than happy to name all their sons after The Prophet Mohammed... but if you do so much as draw a picture of him they go absolutely fucking ape shit.

George Clooney says it's about time Britain gave the Elgin Marbles back to Greece. I totally agree. Leicester should also set an example and give Pakistan it's smell back.

I've just seen the Eric Garner footage and found it appalling. No wonder he couldn't breathe the fat sod.

New dance craze from New York.

You put your left hand round, right hand round. Tighten your grip and shake the What's the difference between a black man about....Oooooh Hookey balloon and a Muslim? A balloon can't Chokey Chokey!!! blow itself up.

Prince Harry has confessed his deepest Daily Mail: "On one day headmaster sent 40 girls home because their skirts fear is public speaking. I'd have thought were too short". Presumably he sent Kate and William's unborn baby being them to his home. born with ginger hair would have been higher, personally.

If you type "Tilt" into Google the page tilts. If you type "barrel roll" it will do a barrel role. I’ve been typing "pay your taxes" for the last fucking hour. Let’s see what happens.

I am so happy with the X Factor result… It's finally fucking finished.

Whoever wrote the headline "Muhammad the most popular boy's name in the UK" really needs to look up the dictionary definitions of popular and common.

So Susan Boyle has finally got a boyfriend. Spooky thing is the boyfriend already has SuBo.....

It’s his guide dog.

The family of an 8 year old boy who burned to death in an arson attack have issued a statement, saying that they are devastated at their loss. I know the feeling, I burnt my toast this morning.

Rush Limbaugh. 10 December · You know what torture is to me?

Can I tell you what torture is to me? Torture to me is not all this waterboarding stuff. You know what torture is? Torture is trying to go to sleep every night with pictures in your head that your wife, your husband, your son, your daughter jumped from a top floor at the World Trade Center to his or her death rather than burn alive. That's torture. Great point. Ed. 24

as temperatures reach freezing in the UK they all fuck off to Portugal to question suspects.

Just read about those poor primitive people in Africa who believe Ebola isn't an illness but a curse placed upon them by evil spirits. Such a shame they can't see through that mumbo jumbo and superstition like us in the West.

I'll pray for them at mass on Sunday.

I for one am all for helping the police in their search for Madeline McCann and think it is great that a team of them are going back to Portugal to help look for her. In fact I even helped them carry their golf clubs to check in.

What's the difference between Shrien Dewani and Oscar Pistorious?

About fifteen thousand Rand.

I don't know what all the fuss over waterboarding is. I did it for ages in British-American national Luke Somers, the cruise ship wave pool, then had a held as a hostage by al Qaeda in the swim and a nice shower.

Arabian Peninsula, has been saved from being beheaded by his captors. America I filled in my brother's dot-to-dot book sent in their special forces and shot him. and not one of the pages made a picture.

If you're all sick of Muhammad being the He was either ripped off or the blind most popular name, it's about time you prick bought it by mistake. starting calling your babies Jesus.

I saw a couple dogging in the woods, Since the Dewani case in South Africa, so I tapped on their window. The guy opened the door and said, "Can I help the taxi service has gone down the toilet. Now every time I order a taxi for you?" "You're doing well for yourself!" my wife they get her to her destination I told him. "Thanks," he laughed, "She's very beautiful." "Erm, sure." I hesitated, and bring her back. Bastards.

"But seriously, what's the brake I love the way the yanks call torture horsepower?"

"Enhanced Interrogation Techniques".

On that basis, I'm no rapist. I just carry My friend told me he was worried about out Enhanced Chat Up Techniques.. losing his job because they have recently I often thought that the Police team bought in automated robots. I said don’t searching for Maddie were stupid and worry, when I bought a new dish washer a waste of tax payers money but just I still kept my wife around to load it.

25

26

This woman wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them. Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream? "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous." "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sauteed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite. All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success. After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead." Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm." Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living

room when the daughter came in and said to her mum, "I can't believe that guy!" "What guy?" "You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".

27

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence‌‌.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator before) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father

28

were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother.'

I've just released my first single on 7" Vinyl.

A side: Oh I do like to be.

B side: The seaside.

My daughter has got a reputation for being a slut.

I said to her, "People don't want to buy the cow when they can get the milk for free." "You're right, dad," she replied.

"From now on they can fucking pay for it."

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' My aunt told me about when she was a people who are murdered or killed in groupie. She said, "When I was thirteen, horrific accidents? "He was the perfect I went backstage to the band's dressing son" or "She was the perfect daughter." room. I went in there as a girl and came "Such a tragic accident they were the back out as a woman." I thought, "What perfect family." "They died together, a lousy time to get your first period." the perfect couple till the end." Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my I was knocked out for ages when I wife. Kind of makes me immortal. took a few packs of painkillers earlier.

The security guards in Poundland don't For her birthday, I splashed out and fuck about. bought my wife a ÂŁ190 coat made from My sister told me that our dad used to a skunk. She said she couldn't believe something so nice could come from finger her pussy when he was putting such an ugly smelly creature. What a her to bed at night. I don't know if it's bitch. true or not, but it did the trick and I came over her tits.

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend a while and after a few months of her asking me I've bought my daughter's Muslim when I was going to pop the question I boyfriend a rucksack for his birthday. must have chosen the wrong words or See if I can speed things up a bit. something for no sooner had the words The wife found a twenty pound note 'do you take it up the arse?' left my under a parked car today and I'm well mouth she got up and left. I'll never envious. I'm beginning to wish it was understand women! her who'd punched ME to the ground.

Someone bought me a book called 'How to become an expert at Origami'.

So far, I've made 1000 paper snowballs.

My wife and I got divorced because I gained a few pounds. Well, actually more than just a few pounds. I won the lottery.

29

Since developing anorexia my teenage daughter has become a right miserable cow. You should've seen the look on her face when I kindly offered to take her to see the new 'Hunger Games'.

but failed miserably. Me dressing up like a woman didn't impress her at all.

Does your job influence the football team you support? Later, we'll ask a Nottingham florist.

My new born and I have Social Media is a lot like something in common.. being married. You can We've both peed on my express your opinion on wife. anything you want but you I went into a card shop will quickly be informed as today. I said to the woman to why you are wrong. behind the counter, "Do I tried to pull a hot girl you sell bereavement that I knew was bisexual cards?" She said, "Yes,

5 SECONDS

sir." So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"

What do you call it, if a Muslim immigrant and a child molester have a fight Schizophrenia!

What separates humans from the animals? The Mediterranean.

My wife is in a wheelchair.

The sex isn't great, but at least I know she won't walk out on me.

Every major supermarket in Britain now has a Polish section. It's usually called a Staff Room.

Someone told me that my local Paki shop had started a drive-through service. Well, that's what I'll tell the police when they pull my car out.

I was wandering around my house today and found my wife hiding in a secret room. She called it a Kitchen.

If you noticed the shark within five seconds, you're probably a homosexual......

30

I think Geography should be a compulsory subject at school for Muslims. I mean, they are our next generation of taxi-drivers.

Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there's a fat woman just waiting to get in.

My son asked, "Daddy, what does piling and lights up a smoke, then 'abducted' mean?" I replied, "So. You another! After about 15 minutes the really need to stay out of the basement." Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, In a small fishing village, a fisherman was "How about whistling?" The fisherman says "What For?" The Fisheries Officer walking up the wharf carrying two, at says, "To call in the Lobsters" The least three pound live lobsters. one in each hand. It was three weeks after the fisherman says, "What Lobsters?" season closed! Whom should he meet I was drinking like a Muslim terrorist at the end of the wharf but the Federal last night. Got myself in a right Islamic Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the state. live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me So there I am in front of the pc, looking Laddie I got you this time, with two live at porn hub, volume off and making lobsters three weeks after the season sure not to make any noise, and still closed!" The fisherman says, "No, my the librarian complains!

Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks A new study has found that women before the season ended." The Fisheries find it seven times easier to read men's Officer says, "Trained like how?" "Well facial expressions than men have reading my son, each day I takes these two from women's. That's mostly because we're not looking at their faces ... my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While I was on my computer earlier when the they swim I sits on the wharf and has screen suddenly went black. I suppose me a smoke, or two. After about 15 I should elaborate. When I say "went minutes I whistles and up comes me black" I mean it stopped working. It two lobsters, and I takes them home!" didn't go and stab an old lady and nick "Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! her purse or anything like that.

"Let's take them on down the wharf and During my gap year from university see if it's true." So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end I visited Western Africa, and it was an excellent opportunity to mingle with of the wharf where, under supervision, the great unwashed. Or Bob Geldof, as he gently lowers both lobsters into the he's more commonly known. water. The fisherman sits on a wharf 31

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "ÂŁ101 237.64" The Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed ÂŁ101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?". "No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing!""

of Oz. I particularly liked the big song and dance number 'swallow the yellow dicks load.'

I've never been mugged thankfully, but I imagine the experience is a lot like Bob Geldof shouting, "GIVE US YOUR FUCKING MONEY!!!"

One Direction. The reason we should have killed Jason Beiber before he laid eggs.

I butchered a pig in my garden today and my Muslim neighbour looked over the fence with a smile on his face. He fucking hated my wife as much as I did.

There is uproar across Britain tonight as Mohammed is said to be the most popular boys name. The Abdul's have demanded a recount.

The Wife's birthday Present is sorted.

I got here a hand held portable Cleaner.

I hope she enjoys the Dust-Pan and Brush....

What do you call a Scottish virgin?

Faster than her older brother.

It surprises me that Muslims don't eat pork. From what went on in Rochdale, it seems some of them are very keen on pink meat.

I have just finished watching the Japanese porn version of The Wizard 32

How We’ve changed!!!!

1930s/1940s - You were classed as the elite if you owned a TV. 1950s - If you owned TV you were deemed as a high class, sophisticated and you were the talk of the street.

1960s/1970s - If you were lucky enough to own a TV which had colour then someone's Dad just got a promotion at work. Things are good in the home.

1990s - If a child had a box of a TV with a combined VHS player their friends were envious of them.

2000's - A flat screen TV with DVD surround sound? That's pretty cool.

Present - Jersey Shore in 3D on a 60 inch TV with 8 speakers! Yea das da bomb init! And it only costs me £6 quid a week until I die init.

A husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is £200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is £350."

"Sheerer than that." "This is the sheerest we have. It's £500." "I'll take it!" he replies. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. He looks at her a moment and says, "Well....you'd think for £500 they'd of fucking ironed the thing."

I saw a man drop a £20 note on the floor so I did what every good citizen

would do. And checked that it was real before putting it in my pocket.

It must be hard for a woman to be raped. Otherwise it doesn't go in properly.

Good Catholic women abstain from sex before marriage, what they don't tell you, is that most of them abstain after marriage too!

I gave the missus a dead leg yesterday, and as usual she over-reacted massively.

To be fair, it was her grandmothers, and she did only die last Thursday.

I phoned my boss on Monday morning and said, "I'm afraid I'm not going to make it in today. I've pulled something."

He said, "Bloody hell, it's going to be busy today. Can you walk?" I replied, "Sure I can. But she's insisting I take her out for breakfast."

I called my mate and said, "I've got two hot girls coming over tomorrow, and all they want to do the whole day is fuck and eat cakes. Do you fancy coming round?" "Fucking right I do," he replied.

"Good," I said, "I'm shit at baking."

33

"Fucking hell mum". I said, walking into her house exhausted. "That hill up to here's a bloody killer." "Well if you're struggling with it at forty.." she replied, "You'll be in trouble when you get to seventy five, like me." "I doubt it." I said.

"By then, I won't need to come up here anymore."

The wife said she'd perform a striptease for me, if I gave her just a single square of my chocolate. Thank fuck I’m eating a Toblerone.

An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a bloke in the street. The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We "Why has everything got to be a game have reason to believe you are carrying with you?" My wife sighed. "An excellent substances of an hallucinogenic nature, Sir." question love" I said, "but next time, please use the buzzer."

I was in B&Q last night and went to the customer services desk. "Where are all My son's school rang me today. They the tools?" I asked "Over there" said the said, "Your son was caught fingering a assistant pointing in the direction of a 5 year-old girl behind the classroom group employees dressed in orange and today. I'm afraid the police are now black overalls. involved." "Filthy bastards," I replied.

To take a driving lesson anywhere in this With my birthday approaching, I left a brochure on the kitchen table for country you need a provisional license, except in Liverpool. There you just need the wife to see, all about the 00 gauge Billington E2 class Steam Locomotive, a screwdriver. the very train Thomas The Tank Engine I bought my Obsessive/Compulsive was modelled on- and the Bachmann 14 mate a picture of the Leaning Tower of ton Tank Wagon. I hope she takes the Pisa. He's going fucking nuts trying to hint. And gets me a new anorak. hang it straight.

My wife is leaving me because I never My wife thinks the reason she can't fit take responsibility for my actions. It's into anything anymore is not because not my fault she feels that way. she's fat, but because everything has I have done a lot of research on shrunk. I'm pretty sure I've never seen masturbation this morning..... I came our car in the washing machine‌ across some very interesting stuff.

I've just used an old recipe to make a traditional Scouse Stew. I nicked all the I bumped into the guy that invented ingredients. the globe. It's a small world.

34

SMART ASS One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.

He was astonished at what he saw.

With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over

the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more. Expect less.

NOW‌..

Enough of that crap . .. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock..

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

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I've just got back from my 'multiple personalities' help group, we didn't get much done as it took the therapist 4 hours to write out all the name tags.

My next door neighbour overdosed on Viagra the other night, His missus took it very hard.

Handing over my I.D. at the post office, the clerk How many builders does blurts out, "You've worn it take to change a light a bit since this photo was bulb? Three, but that's taken." "You're dead right just an estimate and it love!" I replied. "I had it won't be till the middle taken just before I joined of next week, anyway. your fucking queue."

Some people see images Dick Van Dyke. Just three things I saw for sale on the of our lord and saviour streets of Amsterdam. in their toast. Some see him in the clouds. Now "Why do your tits keep it seems to be in toilets. falling out?" I asked Noel Every time I have a shit and Liam's mum. at work I always hear the Woman: It shames me person who goes into the to have to admit it but cubicle after me say, "Jesus my husband is a member Christ". of the criminal fraternity.

I downloaded an album Second woman: Really?

"The Sounds of Ethiopia" Mine's a Freemason as It's an hour of rumbling well. stomachs.

They say start the week Ironically, a fight between as you mean to finish heart and mind ends up it....so I'll be doing fuck all hurting liver. again today.

First man: I stroked a pussy, and my hand came out in a rash.

Second man: Allergy to fur?

First man: No. Thrush.

My wife said I have eyes bigger than my stomach.

I said “So. Your stomach is bigger than your tits�.

I was showing an American colleague who was over on a business conference the sights.

"Wow," he said. "I can't believe how small and compact everything is.

Your cars, your buildings, your TV's and even your food portions." Then I introduced him to my wife. That shut him up.

The wife just asked me if I'd like to take her up the shitter. Obviously I declined, having once before been tricked into carrying the fat bitch upstairs to the toilet.

I tried to suicide bomb myself at a Star Trek convention. The bomb didn't go off, but I still got to meet a lot of virgins.

I've just changed over to those new 'low energy' light bulbs. I'm not saying they are rubbish but I've just turned the light on and its gone dark.

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There's something about middle aged women that I really like. Their daughters.

stupid bastard out there as skint as I am.

My wife says I should respect her woman's rights more. So I give her a clap once she'd finished the ironing.

It's a good thing that innuendo isn't a crime.

Or I'd definitely be going down.

Our neighbours dog shat in our garden, so my mum told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

My Paki mate owns a five bed house, which sounds great, but there's only one room.

My mate asked me, "If I live to 100, do you think I will receive a card from the Queen?"

I said, "No." He said, "Why not?" I said, "I don't think she'll make it to 164."

I can always tell when my dog needs I remember being told that every time a shit. He always grabs the newspaper before going to the bathroom. you shave it off, it grows back thicker.

Can't wait to see my new dick.

I was licking my wife out last night when I was standing in the queue in the bank suddenly she farted. "You're disgusting!"

I said gagging. "So are you" she snapped. when a man walked in and shouted "I'm trying to have a shit."

"Everyone put your hands in the air" I started dancing and shouting "Whoop...Whoop" There is no doubt I took far to much Ecstasy in the 90s.

Well done to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbours' smoke alarm!

You know when you getting old!!! Me and the Mrs last night were watching a porn film, when during one of the scenes I thought to myself.

That double bed doesn't half look comfortable.

I was really shocked when I got a phone call from my credit card company telling me someone had cloned my card. There's now some 39

school." She replied. "Oh, so you are."

I said. "It's Amir, isn't it?" "Yes daddy, yes it is." She squealed excitedly." How can you tell?" "It’s because of all the flies you’ve drawn around him." I relied.

"Can we have 'Punctuation Sex' tonight?" I asked the wife. "What do you mean, 'Punctuation Sex?" she queried. "It's where I put my semi in your colon..."

I went to the library today and asked for a book on manners. The librarian replied, "We haven't got any, so fuck off."

I see that Germany has had the brilliant idea of opening a new hotline, where people can call in, swearing and cursing at strangers on the other end. It's not a first, though. In the UK it's called 'Talk I hate living with a mental disorder. I guess it's my own fault though, I married Talk Customer Service'.

My wife told me that when she took the bitch!

I get slightly nervous when speaking in the kids to school there was a crunching front of people. My friend told me the noise when she put the car into reverse.

So I put on my overalls, got my tools way to combat this is just to imagine the audience naked. This is particularly and re-hung the garage door.

Female recruits for the Indonesian police are forced to undergo a virginity test. In the UK this is not needed, as long as you can prove you are a genuine twat you will be accepted, woman or man.

enjoyable for me as I'm a paedophile primary school teacher.

I was taking the piss out of a fat girl today when she broke down in tears.

"I'd do anything to be thin!" she cried.

Apparently anything but eat less and exercise.

My wife just dumped me because I'm "The king of stupid comparisons." I feel I robbed a bank with a banana in my pocket. Which was handy. Holding that like a bacon sandwich on chemotherapy.

I'm glad I have a superstitious girlfriend. big gun made me hungry.

My daughter was busy crayoning at the She loves touching wood.

table and I went over to take a look at "I'm a 14-year-old girl looking for a 45it. "What are you drawing, sweetheart.?" 55 year old man for online webcam fun.

I asked her. "I'm drawing my friend from Email me: operationlolita@metpolice.uk" 40

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studied philosophy and poetry then applied it to something beautiful like punching people in the face.

My wife was sunbathing and eating an apple whilst on holiday. It really pissed me off with people asking how much for the hog roast.

I was very glad to hear Paul O'Grady got paid out from the phone hacking.

Now he can afford to get that much needed tongue transplant, to replace the one he left firmly up Cilla’s arse.

I never knew my missus could cook until today, when she served me a banana that tasted just like fish. I didn't know she had it in her.

Women can be sexist but men are better at it.

Q1: What do black people and Fairy-lights have in common?

A: They both look good hanging from a tree.

I'm astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" Q2: Why are Fairy-lights I saw two women having t-shirt got me to the front better?

A: Fairy lights work most a nice long chat at one of of the Black Friday lines of the time. those 'female talking areas' this year.. in town earlier. Or an Why do Muslim women ATM machine as decent wear burkas? They love people fucking call them. the smell of their own farts.

I wanted to participate in Black Friday. But I'm A black girl just asked white, so I was at work! me, "Does my arse look It doesn't matter if you're small in this?" black or white, unless my Me and my mates have wife just gave birth to you. invented a new drinking So black people don't like game. You draw a playing card and if it's black, being labelled. How else are we supposed to know you take a shot. It's called "Ferguson". how much they cost?

My opinions are like my I saw Michael J. Fox the bed sheets. I only change other day, I'm a big fan them if it helps me get so I went over to shake his hand. But the Invisible laid.

Man had beaten me to it. It's cool how Bruce Lee 42

her a lucky Rabbits foot today. I ran over her pet with the lawnmower and that was the only bit that was still intact.

I was really pissed off when a bloke called me gay the other day, because I was wearing purple pants.

"They're not purple" I said.

"They're mauve."

"Having too much sex can cause memory loss." I read it on page 37 in a medical journal on 16th November, 2006 at 4:19 pm.

After a massive argument with my wife today where I told her I wished she would drop dead, she started to droop at the mouth and have difficulty speaking.

What a stroke of luck.

A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water‌ And try to hold her there for 3 to 5 minutes.

Just to settle the long-debated argument of 'what came first; the chicken or the egg?' It was obviously the chicken, seeing as you can't fuck an egg.

This bloke in the pub said to me, "Fuck me, that was a rough old bitch you were with last night, not a patch on the women I normally see you with, what on Earth ever possessed to take her out?" "I had to, " I replied, "it was our wedding anniversary."

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

My wife could learn a lot from the family dog. I mean, the way his face lights up whenever I offer him a bone..

Boobs are like diamonds. If they aren't real, I'm not interested.

A man went to a Library and asked for a book on homosexuals. "Go through the back door" said the Librarian.

"That's the one" he replied.

My young daughter cried when I gave 43

Answers To Quiz on page 8.

1. Boxing 2. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. Strawberry.

5. It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Period, comma, colon, dash, brackets, semicolon, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. Lettuce.

Dave Whelan has denied rumours that now? " He was heard to comment. he ever applied to the FA to re-name his Easy Ched, just rape someone else. club Wigan Holocaust FC. The UK's first bus powered entirely by human waste has left passengers in a I just bought and watched all 204 dilemma today. When departing the bus episodes of The Cosby Show, and not should the fold down seats be left down once did I see a rape scene. That's 102 or up. hours and 50p I'll never get back again.

I was hiking in the jungle last year when Why is everyone so surprised that Bill Cosby raped some women?!? suddenly this massive gorilla stormed me. I had no other choice but to shoot HE'S BLACK!!! it. And they have the fucking nerve to Lewis Hamilton declared it to be riot in Ferguson. best day of his life. To be fair if Nicole Scherzinger kissed my helmet on live The poo powered bus has had to be withdrawn from service after developing TV I'd feel the same!

Labour 'still party of working people' a fault. The manufacturers are said to be investigating why the fuel leak alarm insists Ed Miliband. Specifically, anybody activates every time it passes a mosque. working for at least ÂŁ150K a year.

The British Airways cabin crew strike.

Now that they can run a bus on shit In a nutshell; a perfect example of why I think they should take this further. we didn't used to let women and gays Invent a bus that runs on Pakis. vote on anything.

In Scotland, two gay prisoners in NHS staff are staging a four hour strike separate jails are suing for the right to and work to rule today in protest of a visit each other, alleging that denying 1% pay increase. Patients are warned them face-to-face contact is a violation that this could lead to a four hour delay of their human rights. Face to face? in receiving their treatment. As opposed Pele has been transferred to a special to the usual six hour delay. care unit. His agent said it could be worse. He could have been transferred Liverpool FC could save a bit of money by combining their end of season party to Liverpool. with the Christmas party.

Lewis Hamilton has described winning Rolf Harris said to Bill Cosby, 'I his second F1 World Championship never wanted to be black until now'. as 'the best feeling he has ever In order to disperse the crowd in experienced'. Which must mean Ferguson police dropped job applications that his girlfriend, Nicole Scherzinger, from the police helicopters. doesn't do anal or swallow.

Remember how white people Ched Evans is distraught at being rioted after OJ Simpson's acquittal? dropped by Sheffield United. "How on No me neither. earth am I going to get another trial 44

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www.jester-mag.com to see every issue of “The Jester” and even print out the pages you like. You can also see items that we could not put in “The Jester” due to size or the fact it contains moving images. Enjoy.

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I was looking through an old album and came across a class picture. It's hard to see me but I'm sitting down in the middle.

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