Jester issue 61 by Jester Mag

Issue 61 February

Hi dear reader. Wow! Didn’t January just fly by. Well it did for me. At the time of writing, the weather in the UK is terrible. Gales, sleet and snow. I hope, none of you in Spain are bitching about it being so cold, you need to wear a jumper. Your spoilt. I see the magazine Charlie Hebdo sold 5 million copies, after the shooting at their offices. What! Don’t these nutter’s read “the jester”? How much more do we need too to insult them. We could do with selling 5 million copies. We could retire. I suppose we will just have to keep trying. I think I have a stalker. She is a bit odd though. When she phones my number, she speaks in a deep voice. Asking me “are you alone and what are you wearing”. And keeps nicking my missus’s knickers. What she want’s with those, I have no idea. Strange, but true. I see Prince Andrew, is back in the news. Did he or didn’t he? My money is on, he did. He may not have known how old she was, but I think I he did more than have a photograph taken with the young woman. Have any of you been watching ‘Bring back Borstal’? What a bloody joke. The School I wet to in Rhodesia, in the 70’s was stricter than they have it. If I’d have talked to a teacher, let alone

sworn in front of them, like they do. I would have been given six of the best. And if I didn’t like it, tough! I couldn’t decide it was too tough for me and walk out. They would have told me to grow up and probably caned me again. No ASBOS or corrective behavior counselling back then. Just good old fashioned corporal punishment. No wonder this country is going to the dogs. I would love them to Bring back National service, in the UK. That would sort the lazy, good for nothing, sods out. Hands up if you agree. Okay, you can put your hands down now. The rest of this magazine will be difficult to read, with your hands still in the air. Well that is all for this month. I hope you all have a great February. Take care. Ed. Je Suis “the jester”. Come get us you camel shaggers.

The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.

Dear Editor, After years of sending sick jokes to â&#x20AC;&#x153;the jesterâ&#x20AC;? about thalidomide and spastic kids, my wife went for an ultrasound today and the doctor's told us our baby has Down's Syndrome. This must be God's way of providing me with more material. Tony. Los Balcones. Yes, he works in mysterious way. Ed. Dear Editor, I for one was heartbroken to hear that Steven Gerrard will be leaving Liverpool at the end of the season. He's a rare breed up there these days. A Scouser who's been gainfully employed for the last 17 years. Jim. London. Another day of mourning coming up, me thinks. Ed. Dear Editor, I told the wife I wanted a blowjob for my birthday, so the bitch signed me up for yoga classes. Bitch. Paul. Via Park III. They really can be so cruel. Ed. Dear Editor, When I heard that the Sydney terrorist was a Muslim extremist

on bail for murdering his ex-wife and with over 40 charges of sexual and indecent assault. I must admit that I was surprised, that he wasn't based in the UK. Brian. Telford. Me too. Ed. Dear Editor, I have printed flyers with a cartoon picture of Mohamed and signed it Kim Jong-un. Let's see where this goes. Pete. Perth. Good luck with that. Ed.

To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Paul: 664 10 60 10 or Graeme: 966 764 403 Please send your letters, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook. 3

Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. I hear that Liverpool have shot" I had the last laugh sold Raheem Sterling to though when I picked up Madonna. the Argos catalogue and A little boy asks his mum, whacked her in the face "Why am I black and you saying "FACEBOOK!" are white?" "Don't ask," she replies. "When I think back to that party, you're fucking lucky you don't bark!"

I'm not saying I'm unlucky, but I looked both ways before crossing the road today and got hit by an aeroplane. What would you call If a fat girl falls in the woods, do the trees laugh? Robin Hood if he were black? Robin bastard. I asked my wife, "What's your opinion on the state At the Last Supper, how come no one sat at the of English football?" "Its shit," she replied. Absolute other side of the table? crap." "More than likely," What would men do I said, "but let's hear it without women? Probably anyway." just train another animal. Apparently 2% of black "In two hundred metres, Africans are obese. The take the third reich." Nazi other 98% are still in Sat-Nav. Africa. Give an Ethiopian a fish, My wife thought it would and he'll eat for a day. be funny to throw a Give him a fishing rod, scrunched up ball of paper and he'll try to shake at my head and yell "head hands with it. 4

Why does a woman put her hand on her chin while she's thinking? To keep from interrupting herself.

I'm not saying my wife's poo stinks, but I've just walked in to find the toilet duck's committed suicide. I really don't understand women. The girl next door was telling me how much she liked meeting men in high places. But when she arrives home from work and finds me hiding on top of her wardrobe I'm a "fucking weirdo". Every time the wife and I get into a fight over how fat she's got, she goes off with another man. Mr Kipling, usually. My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his iPod except one song.

When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only shagged him to get something else out of him, but it failed'. "I want to go bowling with my mates" I said to my wife. "But I want to have a romantic night in with a movie" she replied "That's that sorted then, glad we could come to an agreement. See you around midnight". These two fat lads with tits have moved in next door to me. I told them to piss off cos I'd heard that a couple of lesbians were interested in it. I said to this girl in the pub, "Do you believe that

Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. one good turn deserves I'll never forget the day I another?" She said, "Yes I was stood up at the altar. do." "Good," I said, "Fancy I was 6 years old and the a 69 with me?" priest patted me on the head and thanked me for A traffic cop stopped me and asked me if I knew his blow-job. what speed I was doing. The advert said, "Just two "Yes thanks" I replied, "but pounds a week can help seeing as you don't know reduce the problem of it was about thirty miles domestic violence in the an hour." UK." I suppose I could cut down, and only pound the wife twice a week.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. "Get me something that I can wear on holiday that wouldn't look out of place" she said. So I bought her a harpoon. What is dark and short? The life expectancy in Africa. COFFIN FOR SALE!!! Great Condition Contact me if you are interested. Only used once. Offers accepted. 5

doesn't know about my rich wife. 'Oh God Hamish, that's not our baby!' ' Shut up, Mary. It's a better pram.' I hope American children have learned something from today's events in Pakistan. Now that's how you shoot up a school. Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. My wife says I'm a nosey

I walked into the mens toilet with a glass of lager. I said to a guy, "Excuse me pal, will you hold this while I have a piss?" He said, "No, but I'll hold your pint."

bastard. Well that's what she's written in her diary.

Ladies.

The terrorist grouped all the hostages together and he said to me, "Pick a number between one and thirty six." "Seventeen, "I shouted. He then shot my wife. "You were fucking peeping when we assigned the numbers weren't you?" He said. After watching "Question time" it's occurred to me I have something in common with "Russell Brand", I know fuck all about politics either.

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My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday. Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive. I've been sitting here for three hours trying to work out if laughter or marijuana is the best medicine. Either way, I feel pretty good. I was shagging this older woman, when she said, "You know, you remind me of my son." I said, "Let's not make this weird, gran." I feel sorry for my poor wife. She

Answer on Page 19 6

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are 'radical' and 'extreme' but you don't see them blowing shit up and shooting people. "I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said earlier. "And I love you tons." I replied. "What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf. My girlfriend isn't a complete slut. The little finger on her left hand is missing. My fat wife is asleep upstairs, I can hear her snoring. Either that or she's putting up a shelf.

In my business exam I was asked "The I invented my own burglar alarm and more ____ you have the poorer you introduced it in the market as a new become." Apparently "black neighbours" business product. I sold a respectable wasn't the correct answer. number of units but now I'm ending up Why do UKIP supporters like autumn arrested for it. I've been charged with so much? The brown leaves. racism. I never should have made one My wife's figure is getting really fat and that goes: "NIGGER ALERT! NIGGER ALERT! NIGGER ALERT!" droopy. She was naked in front of the mirror the other day, and she said, ''I think I've got a bit extra on my waistline these days''. I said, ''yes you have, your tits''. I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "ÂŁ100 and it's yours." I put my penis in your mouth. Your mouth is filled with teeth. Don't you dare tell me I have trust issues. Liverpool will hold a minute silence next Saturday. They haven't thought of a reason why yet, but they will. 7

"The water he drinks is full of bacteria, parasites and dung." Well there's 3 of his 5 a day. And after having a good long walk, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s good to see he is getting his exercise too. I took my children to the dentist this morning. He examined my son's teeth and said, "They're quite yellow, aren't they!" "Really?" I asked. "Yeah," he replied, "Is your wife Asian?" Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Bizarre how when you're single, you'll give almost anything to have a girlfriend with regular sex. Yet when you're in a relationship, You'd give almost anything just to have 5 fucking minutes alone to watch porn with sound. War on drugs, brought more drugs. War on terror, brought more terror. Can we have a war on sluts? My girlfriend always asks me to text her when I get in. That's how small my dick really is.

mate," I said. "Hull's a right shithole! Move over, I'm coming with you to Amsterdam." I ejaculated on my black towel and left it to hang on the window for drying. Police have now surrounded my house, and on my TV, I see the news about an ISIS flag hanging out of a window and anti-terror squad cordoning off the area. The Pakistani community are said to be very worried about the continual fall in the price. People will soon be able to afford to make petrol bombs again. A black man walks into a petrol station and says to the cashier, "Gimme all the money in the till or I'll blow you away!" The cashier says, "But you haven't got a gun!" The black man says, "Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please." Can't believe I got sacked on my very first day as a signwirter.

My wife gave me a rod and a net and told me to go out and catch dinner so we could have fish and chips for tea. Waste of fucking time. I sat there for seven hours. Didn't catch a single chip. According to a recent survey, one in five school kids believes Jesus Christ plays for Chelsea. I'm not surprised as clearly Jose Mourinho thinks he is God. I once mistook a glory hole for a peep hole. Now I'm cockeyed. At the ferry port, I opened the back of a lorry and found two dozen Syrians hiding amongst the boxes. Cowering, one told me in poor English, "We just want better life. We don't like the poverty, the hardship." "Too right, 8

to attend court. But it's only for a minor offence." What's long, thin, and easy to see through? Prince Andrew's alibi. So depicting Mohammed in a cartoon angers many Muslims. Western society hates the way they have Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. sex with children and A transsexual woman girls. Have you seen Paki donkeys, but don't go around killing Muslims. had sex reassignment women?. surgery to have a vagina A cowboy rode into After seeing the trailer, created. She asked, "Will I'm really looking forward town and shot an artist. I have to learn to pee "What did you do that to watching the Stephen all over?" The surgeon for?" asked the sheriff, "I Hawking biography 'The replied, "Because of the thought he was going to Theory of Everything'. I swelling from the surgery, think the actor playing draw, replied the cowboy. you'll naturally just pee all the professor is amazingly "When did you become a over." fucking Muslim? "Said the talented. He's got the sheriff. I walked in last night to voice spot on. I learnt 2 interesting find a paramedic crouching My mate uses so many facts today. over my wife. "Get your prostitutes, he keeps his 1. You can fit 36 biros lips off my wife," I snapped wallet tucked under his into a human anus. pulling him off her. "But balls to save time. 2. I need to get a sir, I'm not kissing her!" Prince Andrew may have girlfriend. He pleaded. "She's topped breathing." I said. "Do I need to repeat myself?"

I accidentally shot my wife on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke. I bought a great pair of slippers today. Fell straight on my arse when I put them on. No wonder Paki men are grooming young white 9

I see Denmark has claimed the North Pole as their own. Sorry Denmark, but you can't just take something just because you want it. That's Russia's job.

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My mate said he was going away for a year to find himself. 'Well' I told him 'if you find him, tell him he's a twat.' My doctor was unbelievably judgmental when I explained about the nasty rash on my genitals that I got after shagging a couple of hookers on my stag do. She even called off our engagement!

and nearer. So I went to bed. Happy in the knowledge that should anything happen to her, those two have her back.

My dog started shitting in the house so my wife suggested I took it to the vet. In all fairness the vet said it was the healthiest dog shit he had ever examined. I was standing in the garden, when I turned to my colleague, and said, "You can't plant that there!" "Why not?" he asked. "Because it's too far away," I replied, kicking the gun closer to the dead black guy. I've been teaching my step-daughter about masturbation today and she's been asking loads of questionsâ&#x20AC;Ś Like, "When do I get to use my own hand?" I just rang my wife to see where she was, as it was really late and I was getting worried. She said she had two massive black blokes walking real close behind her, and they keep getting nearer

I was in sex education class when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, "What is this called?" I put my hand up and answered, "That's a minge, Miss Stevens." She rolled her eyes, and replied, "Give me a medical term, Please." "Oh, sorry," I replied. "That's a minge, Doctor Stevens." Whilst we cooked dinner, the wife shouts, "I hope you haven't done chips for mother, you know she hates them." "We did her mash!" sang me and the kids. "We did the monster mash."

The Queen is making a visit to Australia, Bruce is at the front of the welcoming party. "G'day Madge," said Bruce, "Can I cop a feel a yer tits?" "One does not like to be touched." replied the Queen. "Yer fair game for an old Sheila," said Bruce, "which one can I touch?"

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"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket. "Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a re-spray for my Mondeo," I replied. "Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said. "My point exactly." What's the difference between a muslim and a trampoline? Nothing, you can jump up and down on both and enjoy yourself just as much.

This morning some pregnant lady got on the train. I said, "Can I offer you my seat?" She said, "That's kind of you, thank you so much." "No worries," I said, "I'm getting off in nine stops, then it's all yours." After my wife was murdered I bought myself a taser. Now she'll finally start to move when I shag her. "I'm Jane," she said. "I'm Christopher," I replied, "but everyone calls me Dick for short." "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked. "You ask nicely," I said. On break at work and feeling in the mood I went for a sly wank in the toilets. Unfortunately, it wasn't long before I was caught and told to get the fuck out of the ladies.

I've decided to stop my son going to school in Birmingham. Never mind the Muslims, I can't even understand what the fuck the natives are going on about. A failsafe way to tell if a girl is over 30. Ask her how old she is. If she doesn't tell you, she's over 30. 11

hungry.” *“Well,” she says, “Would you mind letting me up? I’m bloody starving.” I had just made myself a nice cup of tea and sat down when my wife came in, pulled her clothes off and said, "Fuck me right now." So I fucked her right there on the sofa, having the best sex of my life. After we'd finished, she lay in my arms and said, "Don't forget your cup of tea". "I'll just let it cool down, it's still too hot," I said. "You can't please everybody all the time," said my wife. "Why not?" I asked. "Because you're a wanker," she replied. “Would you like some bacon and eggs, toast and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?” He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.” How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?” He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really ruins my desire for food.” Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.” Would you like a juicy steak and some apple pie? Or maybe some chicken or tasty stir fry?” He declines again. No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not 12

This political correctness has gone mad. I can't even refer to my child as "my disabled son." Apparently the correct term these days is "daughter." I'm sure good looking lesbians look at fat lesbians and give them no chance. Until they see their fingers.

My neighbour, Mohammed has just opened a brothel for Muslim men only. Or a creche, as it's more commonly known.

As Mohammad said to the Iman passing the school... "Wow some of these 5th graders are hot!" If the Charlie Hebdo attack has taught us anything, It's how to say "I am" in French. I always thought that the British police were the finest in the world. However, in the last week the French have shown how community policing should be carried out. Look people: We can resolve this Christians v’s Muslims thing quite easily. Who's got the most nukes? The word Muslim is inaccurate. Going by the size of them, it should be Mufat. Kissing a woman's ear lobe is a way of showing your love. Or getting to the front of a queue quicker. Note to self: Dog grooming legal. Child grooming not legal.

A Muslim just got on the bus. "Hit the deck," I shouted. "Are you making a racist joke towards me?" he said sternly. "Don't be silly," I assured him, "I'm giving these guys military training." A Muslim family moved into a house that was infested with rats. "Bloody hell, these fuckers breed so fast!" thought a rat. On a scale of 1-10, how old is Mohamed’s Wife? I like to annoy Muslims by asking them if Mohammed is their Christian name. Muslim wife: You don´t carry me up the stairs to the bedroom anymore like you used to. Husband: Well to be fair, you were only 11 at the time. 12 A

WISDOM FROM MILITARY TRAINING MANUALS. 'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' Infantry Journal. 'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' US. Air Force Manual. 'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' General MacArthur. 'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' Naval Ops Manual. 'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' Unknown Infantry Recruit. 'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' Sign over SR71 Wing Ops. 'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' Infantry Journal. 'Tracers work both ways.' Army Ordnance Manual. 'Five second fuses last about three seconds.' Infantry Journal. 'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot). 'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' Unknown Author. 'If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.' Fixed Wing Pilot. 'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.' Unknown Author.

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' Multi-Engine Training Manual. 'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.' If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.' Preflight Briefing from a Canadian Pilot. 'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.' Sign over Control Tower Door. Never trade luck for skill.' Author Unknown. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?â&#x20AC;&#x2122; and 'Oh S...!' Authors Unknown. 'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' Basic Flight Training Manual. 'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.' Emergency Checklist. 'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot). 'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ. 'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' Lead-in Fighter training Manual.

I knocked on my neighbour's door today. I said, "Wow! You've lost a shit load of weight since I last saw you." She immediately burst into tears, and I took her in my arms. "Now, now," I said, consoling her. "Is everything okay?" "I've fine," she sobbed, straining a smile. "I've just had a bad month. What is it you needed?" I replied, "I just wanted to know why there's a cot in your front garden." I entered a running race last night. Or "black person" as she preferred to be called. Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic? My sister caught me wanking yesterday and called me a pervert. The next day I walk into her room and catch her flicking the bean and she called me a pervert. It's the hypocrisy of the situation that annoys me the most. I took my dog to the vet the other day, and the woman said it had contracted AIDs. I was so upset by it all; we ended up putting her down. Nobody calls my fucking dog gay. My wife just informed me that she is leaving me and the kids so that she can live her dream of becoming an actress. I'm not going to stand in her way, in fact I broke both her legs for good luck. Husbands are the best people to tell secrets too. They'll never tell anyone.. Because we aren't listening. My grandmother's arthritis had become worse over the years, it's really quite heart breaking, watching her struggle with the smallest of tasks. "My wrists are sore they don't have the same kind of

movement any more" she whimpered. I looked at her and gently said "I hate to see you in pain, don't worry about it Nana" And I finished myself off. What's the difference between a breastfeeding mum and Nigel Farage? One makes members of the public feel uncomfortable and should be made to sit in a corner, the other should be allowed to get her tits out whenever she likes. It's Friday night and I think the pub is calling. I'm ignoring it. I still owe them a fortune from last weekend. My wife arrived home after a hard day at work. "Oh, that was a tough day," she said, rubbing her neck. "Would you mind doing my back?" "No problem, honey," I replied. "Just let me get the razor and shaving foam." I've always been against abortion after rape. It's like running a marathon then burning your certificate. I saw a bloke wearing a T-shirt that said, "This is what a feminist looks like". Right enough, he had no tits and a bit of a moustache. 15

PAUSE FOR THOUGHT!!! There are two sides to every divorce: Mine and Shithead's. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in University was my blood alcohol content. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea." Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"? I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. If life deals you lemons, then make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Maryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a Euro at bowling alleys. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? How long a minute is. Depends on

what side of the bathroom door you're on. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been! How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ? I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "CtrlAlt Delete and start all over? Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher and since it's in English, thank a soldier." 16

the blood off my tyres after. I was kicked out of the cinema for video tapping something I shouldn't have. It was too hard to resist. The girl sitting next to me's tits were amazing.

My wife has always said, "It's the little things you do that count." Turns out, having an orgy with five midget prostitutes was not one of them. A group of ISIS fighters were sitting in the desert discussing whether they would rape a 10 year old. They all agreed this is something they'd like to do, except for Adbul who looked unsure. "Abdul, wouldn't you want to rape a 10 year old?" They asked "Depends" He replied, "A ten year old What?"

other day. I was watching the women's volleyball and I heard my wife's car pull in the driveway. I got locked up last night for rape with intent. I kept telling the fucking idiots it's a caravan but they were having none of it.

A girl I met in while on My girlfriend just holiday in Thailand said got a very interesting I've got a massive cock. fortune cookie: Every Sadly she wasn't lying, it exit is an entrance was huge. to a new experience'. I was having sex in the "Wow" she said, "are back of my car last night you thinking what I'm when I suddenly heard a thinking?" I fucking voice through the window hope so. say, "What you're doing is "Don't do drugs, kids!" Basically says that once you're an adult, it's perfectly fine. Olympic commentators say it's impossible to knock 5 seconds off your personal best. Well I proved them wrong the

After rolling off my wife, I felt completely satisfied for the first time in years. I didn't even mind cleaning 17

bloody illegal!" I looked up and saw that it was my next door neighbour. I was so embarrassed. And so was his daughter. What did the kamikaze pilot say to his students? Watch closely - I'm only going to show you once!

She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said "I am a dominator"! Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered.

FIFTY SHADES OF But Mabel hasn't GREY weathered well; (a husband's point of view) She's eighty four next The missus bought a week! She stood there nude Paperback, Watching Mabel bump and naked down Shepton Mallet and grind; Bent forward just a bit way, Could not have been I went to hold her, I had a look inside her much grimmer. sensual like bag; T'was "Fifty And things then went and stood on her left Shades of Grey". from bad to worse; tit! Well I just left her to She toppled off her Mabel screamed, her it, And at ten I went to Zimmer! teeth shot out; bed. My god what had An hour later she I done!? appeared; She moaned and The sight filled me groaned then with dreadâ&#x20AC;Ś shouted out: In her left she held "Step on the other a rope; one"! And in her right a whip! Well readers, She threw them I can't tell no down upon the more; floor, 'bout what And then began to occurred that day. strip. Suffice to say my jet black hair Well fifty years or Turned fifty so ago; shades of I might have had a grey. peek; 18

Answer to riddle on page 6. He was a Lighthouse Keeper. David Cameron was visiting a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'Incorrect,' said Cameron. 'That would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Nick Cleg and all the other MP´s was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

WHAT’S ON IN FEBRUARY

Come join us and the very funny and talented Stevie Spit on the 14th. Valentines Day. And he is back with us again on the 17th.

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and I hope it wouldn't be a fucking accident either!' Once again, I thought I'd fart in my midget wife's face for a joke. But as usual, it went over her head. I noticed a hot girl in a bar that was extremely drunk. After buying her a couple more she stumbled back to my place. Just as we're about to have sex, she vomits over herself, pissed and crapped in her knickers and passes out. "That's just great!" I thought to myself. "Now I've got to have sex with this smell in the room". My black friend has just got back from a night shift. Or robbing sheds as it’s better known. I see Muslim women have got their own social networking site. Nofacebook. 19

What does Stevie Wonder's wife do when they've had a fight? Re-arranges the furniture. They've just recovered my friendâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s camera from the Air Asia flight. I didn't know he visited an Aquarium before he left. Steven Gerrard is going to be releasing a book about his time at Liverpool. Like him it doesn't have a title yet!

I know if I was running for parliament, I would make a few changes to the NHS to guarantee that I got voted for. I would make sure that Masturbation becomes one of "Your five a day". What's the difference between when my missus is horny and hungry? Where she puts her cucumbers. I have invented a bullshit detector and it works great, anytime someone starts talking crap to me, a klaxon sounds. Although it did cause me some embarrassment in church last Sunday. "Excuse me," I said to the young lady at the call centre. "Would it offend you if I mentioned that I'm having trouble understanding your accent?" "Not at all," she replied. "In that case," I said. "I can't understand a fucking word you're saying you Paki bitch." I was on the M1 motorway earlier today and moved half a mile in two hours. The drivers behind me were fuming.

I hate it when a girl says, "It's not you, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s me." Especially when someone has farted.

U2 frontman Bono fears he may not play the guitar again following a bike crash last year. Hasn't stopped him being a wanker. A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman. So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles. "That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks." I sat my son down on my knee. "Have you heard of adoption, boy?" I asked. "No," he said. "That's going to make the next part a bit easier then." I added. We all have that one uncle that's a bit strange, weird and you don't trust him near the children. Don't we Prince William. My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants. "It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' and it fits snugly in here", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch. I said, "Where the fuck am I going find a didgeridoo?

"Make little things count". "Teach midgets mathematics". 20

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the

gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!! I made an interesting discovery in the office today. The farther you are from the urinals in the bathroom, the less acceptable it is to have your dick out. Most people don't consider paedophilia a sport, but have you ever tried chasing a screaming child with your pants round your ankles? When my wife died, I wanted to make sure everyone cried at her funeral. So I invited all the people she owed money to. My uncle taught me how to use money to get sex. He said, "Get a roll of 2 pâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s and put it in your hand and make a tight fist with it..." A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert. 21

ALL I HAVE ANGEL BABY BOY BEAUTIFUL CLOCKS COME OVER DRIFT AWAY FIGHTER FRONTIN' GET BUSY

GET LOW GOSSIP FOLKS HEADSTRONG I CAN I WANT YOU I'M WITH YOU IGNITION IN DA CLUB INTO YOU INTUITION

LANDSLIDE LIKE A STONE LIKE GLUE MESMERIZE MISS YOU PICTURE RAIN ON ME RIGHT THURR SAY YES SENORITA

SO GONE SOMEDAY STAND UP STUCK SUGA SUGA SUNRISE SUPERMAN TROUBLE UNWELL

Find and circle all of the songs from 2003 that are hidden in the grid. The remaining 22 letters spell an additional song title from 2003. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck. 22

He who campaigns to get tits censored, is either gay or trying to fuck a feminist. Katie Price's first task in Celebrity Big Brother is to not get pregnant or married in the next three weeks.

A black guy was holding his eight-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured, "mother." The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

I thought I saw the wife out in the back yard this morning, jabbering away to herself. But it was just the wheelie bin lid blowing up and down in the wind. Big Brother starts tonight and my money is on Ched Evans. He's not allowed to be in there, but it's never stopped him before. I asked Ched Evans about the best way to Oldham. "Round the throat while pounding them in the arse" he said. I hear that Stephen Fry

I don't understand why Muslims don't start their own magazine, and draw pictures depicting Secularism. Their first front page could be a and Elliot Spencer are cartoon of a thoughtful getting married. I think atheist pondering the it's great they've finally mysteries of the universe, got out there and found a couple of nice girls. For a treating the earth with while back there I had my respect and demonstrating tolerance. That'll fucking suspicions about them. show em. "It is true that nowhere in the Koran is it stated that My fat wife was going to Muslim women should be be the last ever topless veiled," said a prominent model to be shown in the sun. they were going to imam. "We just started doing it because most of put her on page 3, 4 and 5. First Susan Boyle gets them are right mingers," a boyfriend. Then Les he continued. Dennis starts riding Gail Muslims across the UK Platt. Now they're retiring are in uproar following Page Three and Deirdre the letter Eric Pickles Barlow is dead. Thank fuck sent them. "This is an for Dot Cotton or there'd insult receiving a letter be no decent fanny left out from a pig". there. I bought a Prince My flat mate just said, Andrew bobble head for "Oh that annoying cow my wife the other day. It from Coronation Street came in a small box. has died". 27 guesses later A wise man once said. 23

I got it right.

When Muslims deny evolution, they are right. It didn't happen to them. I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th floor. But, that's another storey. I don't believe Prince Andrew paid for an underage sex slave. That sponger's never paid for anything in his life. That poor Muslim bastard. I'd shoot up a place too if I was surrounded by French people. "The pen is mightier than the sword." Clearly fucking useless against AK47's though. I Just watched a Tom & Jerry cartoon. Hope I didn't offend any of you Muslim wankers. David Cameron calls for clubs considering signing Ched Evans to think about their role in the community and their position as role models. Well David, I think Prime Ministers should consider counting the number of

children they have with them before leaving the pub. Feminists think women should be equal to men and that they should be completely responsible for their own actions. Unless of course they're so drunk they can't remember whether they said yes to shagging a footballer or not. Following the recent tragic events in Paris, President Hollande has appeared on TV to address the French people and announce that France has surrender. Someone asked me the other day "why did Mohammad cross the road?" I didn't know what he was talking about then it came to me ........... it was to pick up his wife from primary school. Wow, Charlie Hebdo has increased its sales from sixty thousand to over three million! I wonder if they are looking for staff... I hope that it turns out I'm an optimist.

I bought a job lot of illegal immigrants. they fell of the back of a lorry. The real crime of Auschwitz? All those carbon emissions. According to physics, nothing ever quite touches. When you lay your hand on something, there is a microscopic amount of space between the atoms of your hand and whatever you're touching. So no, officer, technically I'm not jacking off right now. Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands... First floor. The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor. The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?" Third floor. This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the

housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs.

Little Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg . . . 'E-G-G''Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had toast . . . 'T-O-A-S-T' 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had bugger all', he says . . . 'B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada ... Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast. When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?' Johnny ponders the question and finally says: "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mom. That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'. On Monday I received a packet of Ritz biscuits in the post with a note attached; 'THIS HAS BEEN UP MY MINGE!' Tuesday was a packet of water biscuits, again with the same message; 'THIS HAS BEEN UP MY MINGE!' And Wednesday a packet of Jacob's with the same message; 'THIS HAS BEEN UP MY MINGE!' I don't know who it is but they're sending me fucking crackers. Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Frame a man for murder, and he'll eat for life. I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I

find I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park. That is the last time I take a cock up the bum. Smuggling farm animals is fucking painful.

I cried when I read this and then saw the picture. God promised at the birth of time, A special friend to give, His time on earth is short, he said, So love him while he lives. It may be six or seven years, Or twelve or then sixteen, But will you, till I call him back, Take care of him for me? A wagging tail and cold wet nose, And silken velvet ears, A heart as big as all outdoors, To love you through the years. His puppy ways will gladden you, And antics bring a smile, As guardian or friend he will, Be loyal all the while. He'll bring his charms to grace your life, And though his stay be brief, When he's gone the memories, Are solace for your grief. I cannot promise he will stay, Since all from earth return, But lessons only a dog can teach, I want you each to learn. Whatever love you give to him, He’ll return in triple measure, Follow his lead and gain a life, Brim full of simple pleasure. Enjoy each day as it comes, Allow your heart to guide, Be loyal and steadfast in love, As the dog there by your side. Now will you give him all your love, Nor think the labour vain, Nor hate me when I come to call, To take him back again? I fancy each of us would say, "Dear Lord, thy will be done, For all the joy this dog shall bring, The risk of grief we'll run.

"We'll shelter him with tenderness, We'll love him while we may, And for the happiness we've known, Forever grateful stay. "But shall the angels call for him, Much sooner than we've planned, We'll brave the bitter grief that comes, And try to understand."

After watching the appalling events in France unfold on the BBC news, I have come to a shocking conclusion. Peter Griffin was right, French police cars do sound like a gay threesome. Mohammed heard that one of his wives was leaving him. So he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings; he sat beside her and said, “I heard you were planning to leave me?” She replied, “Yes, because I heard your other wives saying you were a paedophile!” Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds, “Now.. that’s a very big word for a 9 year old.” 28

increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2014 Sing Marching Songs." They also have EUROPE. two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" By JOHN CLEESE. and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, The English are feeling the pinch in are all on holiday as relation to recent events in Syria and usual; the only threat they are worried have therefore raised their security level about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, The Spanish are all excited to see their security levels may be raised yet again new submarines ready to deploy. These to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." beautifully designed subs have glass The English have not been "A Bit Cross" bottoms so the new Spanish navy can since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies get a really good look at the old Spanish nearly ran out. Terrorists have been navy. Australia and New Zealand, re-categorized from "Tiresome" to meanwhile, have raised its security level "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time from "No worries" to "She'll be right, the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" mate." Two more escalation levels warning level was in 1588, when remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to threatened by the Spanish Armada. The cancel the barbie this weekend!" and Scots have raised their threat level from "The barbie is cancelled." So far no "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." situation has ever warranted use of the They don't have any other levels. This last final escalation level. is the reason they have been used on the "So, how long have you had problems front line of the British army for the last getting an erection?" asked the nurse. 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has 29

BBC News: Pope Francis has sharply criticised the Vatican bureaucracy and also criticised "those who look obsessively at their own image". A bit rich coming from a guy that genuinely believes he is God's representation on Earth.

a woman who had a party to say farewell to her breasts before a double mastectomy. I had a similar party to say goodbye to my testicles. A wedding reception.

I said, "you can't go to school dressed in all pink, with a daisy chain hairband, you look stupid and the other kids will fucking rip you apart". The missus said, "for fuck sake, leave her alone, it's bad enough that it's her first day at nursery".

showing a green screen with random black dots. Turns out, the African Cup football tournament is on.

There's a long-standing, untrue rumour that Muslims are forbidden to use toilet A woman just dropped a ÂŁ20 note next paper. It probably stemmed from the to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', fact that they're not allowed to make so I turned it into wine. Well, I bought images of Mohammed. wine. I thought my TV was on the blink, just

Had to submit to a cough and drop examination today. By the way he smiled as my testicles descended into his cupped palm I knew I'd passed. I still don't think I'll be going back that dentist again, though.

David Cameron has rejected criticism by some Muslims of a letter sent to mosques in England. But admitted that using a stamp with the picture of Mohamed on it might have been a bit tasteless.

Different religious beliefs really confuse me. For example, why is it that the Hindu religion allows illustrations of Well the Muslims have certainly taught men and women in explicit sexual the French satirists not to say Islam is positions in the Kama Sutra, and no violent. one bats an eyelid. Yet when someone The BBC is reporting that search crews draws a cartoon of a Muslim prophet with his undersized dick stuck up a have detected "Pings" at the bottom of goat's arse, all hell breaks loose?! the ocean in their search for AirAsia QZ850. Bit racist to refer to them like So after 44 years The Sun has decided that. to do away with page 3. And presumably page 4 since it's on the other side. People are giving Gordon Ramsay a hard time because his brother is a My younger brother keeps banging heroin addict. Don't they know not on about 'The Teenage Mutant Ninja to judge a cook by its brother? Turtles' and how they fight crime. "That's nothing," I told him, pointing A prison bus has crashed in Texas, killing ten. A spokesman said, "We failed at the TV. "A bunch of frogs just killed a few Muslims." in our duty to get those poor men to Death Row safely." "Where's all this shit coming from?" Thought the fan. The Daily Mail has a feature about 30

As we approached our new house the dog stiffened and began to whimper. "What's wrong with Toby daddy?" My daughter asked. "It's an animal sixth sense," I explained. "They can detect the presence of evil." "Is the house haunted?" She shivered. "No," I replied, before turning to my wife. "Love! I think your mother's here already."

Pole?" asked my teacher. "Yes, I do know that." I said, slowly. "That's why I've had to draw a picture of it."

I was telling my colleague at work how I haven't had sex in months. "I think I may know someone who can help" she said, whilst slowly rubbing her crotch. After 15 minutes, I thought how much longer There was a woman doing a crossword do I have to wait for the answer. beside me on the train today when I "A large whiskey please." I said to the suddenly pointed and said, "That's barman today. "Hang on a minute." he Semen." "Thanks for that." she replied, replied, "You promised me last night that looking away from the stain on my your lips will never touch another glass!" trousers. "Correct." I said, "Pass me a straw." I gave my teenage son an 'overcoming laziness' book for his birthday. The lazy little sod has just sent his mum into town to swap it for the audio version.

My wife fell into the river and was screaming for me to help. I took out my phone but there was no signal. I will just have to upload the pics to Facebook I attended my first Bi-polar support when I get home. group meeting today. Shortly after being My daughter passed her driving test welcomed to the group I was told to today and the country is now a far less fuck off. safer place for men. She will now be able I only sit with white people on lunch to take her Chlamydia nationwide. when I'm at work but not because of "I wish I could go back to our wedding racism. It's just the prisoners have their day and relive that special moment" I own canteen. admitted yesterday "Awwh... Sure we I drew a picture of a polar bear eating a can watch the video" my wife replied. penguin in art class at school. "Do you "Really?, you wanna watch me bang your know that penguins live at the South sister in the toilets? You kinky bitch" I Pole and polar bears live at the North answered, taking out my iPhone. 31

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old guy and asked him for some advice. You're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'..... 'Sure will'. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?' The old man pointed to a large can in

a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your arse, and it won't hurt as much!'

While I was walking around the Marina this morning around 11 AM , I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the dock and fall into the water. He was really struggling to stay afloat, because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help, he'd surely drown. Being a responsible citizen, abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office, and even the Fire Department. It is now 5:30 PM . He has drowned, and not one of the authorities have yet responded. I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps. 33

surface lies my unnaturally minute member. Imagery of those positively large, muscular penis's haunting my sleep, mocking me every second, making me feel like a Shetland in comparison to a Stallion. Which is why, I, David Cameron wish to ban pornography in the UK. If you're feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there's nothing wrong with you! I had just hung up my phone on the bus this morning when I got a tap on the shoulder, "Excuse me," said a teenage girl dressed in her school uniform, "I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? There's no sadder sight than a dragon Me and my friend just overheard your spending hours building a snowman, phone ringing just then and I'm pretty only to then melt him by saying hello. sure it was BeyoncĂŠ, but my friend is My wife is really overweight. She's so adamant it was Rihanna." I said, "You're heavy that even a photo of her can't both wrong, it was my mum." hang on the wall. My wife read a text message whilst going In school I was constantly tormented through my phone. It said, "Thanks for for having a small penis. I couldn't take the amazing sex last night.xx" "You lying a shower after P.E without someone bastard!" she yelled, holding it to my commenting on how tiny it was, "are face. "You told me you stayed at your you sure youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not Asian?". Eventually mum's!" "I did," I replied. I took to showering in my boxer shorts Some kid was playing up and being a to hide the embarrassment. During my right twat in Tesco, so his dad gave him adolescence, finding a girlfriend was a smack. This German woman comes tough. Date after date ruined by my over and tapped the dad on the shoulder abnormally miniscule genitals. "It's not and said, "In my country we don't smack you, it's me" would come the excuses, our children." He replied, "Well, in our but I knew. I always knew. As I reached country we don't gas our Jews." my 26th birthday I wondered if I would ever lose my virginity. Even masturbating I'm a science teacher and once I asked one of my lazy students if he knew the was a huge task. How I envied those porn stars with their gigantic erections. chemical symbol for sodium. He replied, 'Na'. Lucky bastard. I found my way into politics which gradually built my confidence. Slowly A few of my mates have been trying gaining an ego in the secret life of a to get into my wife's knickers. We've politician, but still knowing under the set a record of 6 of us so far. 34

I fucking hate false advertising. There wasn't one kid for hire or sale at Child. Line.

"I get high with a little help from my friends". Which is probably why you've got fucking dementia.

According to news reports, funny people tend to die younger. Can I take this moment to congratulate Keith Lemon for finally cracking the secret to eternal life?

At my promotion interview the board told me I was intolerant of others. "Would you say you don't suffer fools gladly"? asked the MD "Well I've managed to put up with you fuckwits for ten minutes" was probably not the best response.

I said to my girlfriend, "Your house is freezing." She replied, "Why don't you put on a 2nd coat?" I painted the whole house, but it's still fucking cold. I was making sweet love to a gorgeous lingerie model today. Everything was perfect until the security guard noticed and kicked me out of Victoria's Secret. I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years. What's the difference between Nazis and Muslims? The Nazis knew how to switch a fucking shower on. I'm not saying Jews are stingy bastards or anything, but I've just witnessed one trying to haggle with a vending machine. A sign in a shop window of a Newcastle opticians. "Come in today for your free WHEY EYE TEST." I was surprised tonight when I came home from work and my wife greeted me with a cup of tea. I've never had a cup filled with egg, chips and beans before. I've noticed the Dementia Friends advert on TV which features the song "With A little Help From My Friends"

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid I know did that, but how the hell did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQs. We just figured it out. Todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s kids haven't got a fucking clue. I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson. Not quite sure which race yet.

I was sitting thinking about all the Africans that die each year due to malnutrition and lack of clean water. Then I got up, wiped my arse, and flushed the toilet.

my girlfriend? "Oh Jack," she said, "Its the little things." "I can change," I pleaded. You can't change your miniature penis and testicles," she replied.

My wife is so fat she even 'Nicole Scherzinger holds the world record for Receives Glowing Reviews eating. We canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t prove it For Cats Debut' was the to anyone, she ate the headline. What her co-star fucking certificate. actually told the paper was As he inserted the rectal that she was the best bit thermometer, I got a of pussy he'd had in his painfully hard and obvious dressing room this year. erection. "Maybe you I was at dinner and I was asked if I would pass the sweetcorn, "Yes, " I said, "probably in my next shit."

should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

What has getting your girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car got in common? Both problems can be easily fixed with a coat hanger.

The EU has ruled that obesity qualifies as a disability. From next month, every space in McDonald's car park will have a wheelchair painted on it.

"Why are you breaking up with me," I pleaded to

Polish buses. You wait ages for one, then two

million turn up at the same time! I've come to believe that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire." My wife kicked me out last night for being drunk and out of control. Fucking pathetic allowing women to be bouncers anyway.

I carefully placed my wife in the recovery position and took off the mask I'd made of her recently deceased father. Then I waited for the inevitable shit storm to happen. Just been watching that Water aid advert and it brought tears to my eyes. To think I use to have a Nike t-shirt like that. What's the difference between a cricket ball and an Abo chick's pussy? If you tried really hard, you could eat a cricket ball. That's the last time I play pass the parcel with The Chuckle Brothers. Cheating twats.

I'd love to know what the media would call it, if there was ever a scandal about a gate.

"count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you have had two warnings!"

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear. "Give us a kiss, luv!" "No!", replied the nurse. "Oh go on!", said the man. "No!", replied the nurse again "Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?" "For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"

The three most frightening things a "Darling, if I died what would you do?," hostage is likely to hear. It's time to torture him. I asked the wife. "ummm...well, I could It's time to behead him. always go and live with my sister," she The Yanks are coming to rescue him. replied. "And what would you do if I died?," she continued. "ummm...I could Big shout going out for the deaf. go and live with your sister too, love!" As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, 39

IT MAY NOT BE FUNNY OR RUDE. BUT THIS IS SUCH A NICE STORY, I WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH YOU. A young man went for an important position at a large printing company. He passed the initial interview and was going to meet the director for the final interview. The director saw his resume, it was excellent. And asked, “Did you received a scholarship for school?' The boy replied, "No”. “ It was your father who paid for your studies?” “Yes.” He replied. “Where does your father Work?” “My father is a Blacksmith” The Director asked the young to show him his hands. The young man showed a pair of hands soft and perfect. “Have you ever helped your parents at their job?“ “Never, my parents always wanted me to study and read more books. Besides, he can do the job better than me. The director said: “I have got a request: When you go home today, go and wash the hands of your father and then come see me tomorrow morning.' The young man felt his chance to get the job was high. So when he returned to his house he asked his father if he would allow him to wash his hands. His father felt strange, but happy, and with mixed feelings, showed his hands to his son. The young man washed his hands, little by little. It was the first time that he noticed his father's hands were wrinkled and they had so many scars. Some of the bruises looked so painful that his skin shuddered when he touched them. This was the first time that the young man recognized what it meant for this pair of hands to work every day to be able to pay for his study. The bruises on the hands were the price that he paid 40

for his education, his school activities and his future. After cleaning his father's hands the young man stood in silence and began to tidy and clean up the workshop. That night, father and son talked for a long time. The next morning, the young man went to the office of the director. The Director noticed the tears in the eyes of the young man when He asked him: “Can you tell me what you did and what you learned yesterday at your house?” The boy replied: “I washed my father's hands and when I finished I stayed and cleaned his workshop”. “Now I know what it is to appreciate and recognize that without my parents, I would not be who I am today. By helping my father I now realize how difficult and hard it is to do something on my own. I have come to appreciate the importance and the value in helping the family. The director said, "This is what I look for in my people. I want to hire someone who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the hardship of others to do things, and a person who does not put money as his only goal in life". “You are hired” Usually, a child that has been coddled, protected and usually given what they want, develops a mentality of "I have the right”. And will always put themselves first, ignoring the efforts of their parents. If we are this type of protective parent are we really showing love or are we destroying our children? You can give your child a big house, good food, computer classes, watch on a big screen TV . But when you're washing the floor or painting a wall , please let him experience that too. After eating have them wash the dishes with their

Brothers and sisters. It is not because you have no money to hire someone to do this it's because you want to love them the right way . No matter how rich you are, you want them to understand. One day your hair will have gray hair, like the father of this young man. The most important thing is that your child learns to appreciate the effort and to experience the difficulties and learn the ability to work with others to get things done. MAKES YOU TYHINK HEY! WHEN DID YOU LAST THANK YOUR PARENTS FOR THEIR HELP AND SUPPORT. Ed. I saw a big fat ugly woman today and as I looked at her she growled, "What you fucking looking at." "Oh nothing," I replied, "I just thought you smelled nice." Suddenly she smiled and said, "Oh thanks." Immediately I responded, "No problem, been jogging?"

dad again. "Do you ever think what our lives would have been like if we'd decided not to have the abortion?" I asked my wife. "Shhh!" She replied. "How many times have I told you not to call Ben that?" All these movie tie-ins are getting on my nerves. This morning in the supermarket they had "Frozen" peas... "Have you seen my other half?" I said. "Over there," replied the barman, "and apologies once again for running out of pint glasses." A woman converting to Islam is like a black person converting to slavery. Sometimes I use big words that I don't understand to make myself appear more photosynthesis.

"Are you seriously thinking about getting our son a puppy for his birthday?" My wife asked. "Of course not," I replied. "Why on earth would My sister's in training to become a porn you think that?" "You left the computer star. I asked her how her first day went. on and I saw all those references about She said it was a lot to take in. dogging," she said. "What are they all I couldn't believe it when I saw my about then?" "Okay, you've sussed me," mate Neil in the pub with a girl. "Why I admitted. "I was thinking about getting are you so shocked?" He asked. "You the kid a puppy." were the one who told me to get a Played a team called Jihad United in the girlfriend." "I did. I just didn't expect it to cup once. They provided all the officials. be mine." 5mins to go, we're winning 2-0 and the ref blew up early. Whilst I was pissing in a urinal in a public toilet today, I noticed a note "Did you enjoy your belly dancing written about me on the wall which class?" I asked the wife. "It's not belly read, "Dave sucks schoolboys off for dancing, it's keep fit!" she replied sharply. ÂŁ10" I was deeply hurt and outraged. "Well maybe you need a bigger t-shirt!" Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve never charge that much. I said. Sometimes I ask myself if I'd rather be Antiques. black or blind, then I realise it doesn't They don't make 'em like they matter. Either way, I wouldn't see my used to. 41

well my twin sister never married." I hear Elton John had his back passage fully furnished last night.

Why is it when I accept an invite to a Eid feast by my Paki neighbour and eat his halal sheepâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s head, I'm being multi-cultural. But when I invite him to our Boxing Day piss up with ham hock, I'm a racist bastard? My first after school job was sweeping up hair. I don't know how that kebab shop stayed open. I started writing poetry the other day: POETR That's coming along nicely. I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo and got mauled. And people were talking about how there should have been better defences put up to prevent people getting into the cage.. A friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent. For example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack

Within the space of two days, Katie Price has revealed on CBB that her tit insides are hanging out, that being fucked by one of her boyfriends was akin anybody who climbed in. to waiving a woodbine in the Albert Hall, another I was stood at the side of preferred her to get a the road having a fag when strap-on and be shafted this woman came over up the arse and another with a pushchair and said had a baseball bat for a "did you know, the smoke prick, which cause her from that cigarette could fanny to get cystitis. And kill a baby?" I replied "I there you have it folks, wish I'd have fucking the foreword to her 7th known that. I've been Auto Biography titled.... hitting the little buggers Classy Lady. with a hammer!" In the news: Lassana My girlfriend said she'd Bathily, a Malian-born leave me if I didn't stop Muslim employee who living in a fantasy world. hid customers from an So I stopped. Now she's Islamist gunman at a Paris fucking disappeared. kosher supermarket this I looked out of the month has been granted window and saw the leggy, French nationality. He says busty blonde going into that the first thing he will her house, then I looked do to celebrate is to pack at my wife sat watching the telly with a fag in one his bags and fuck off to England to claim benefits. of her enormous hands It has been stated that and a chip butty in the other. "I can't believe you the Air Asia plane crashed because it 'climbed too used to look like that. What happened to you?" fast'. I think you'll find it I asked. "Fuck off," she crashed because it went replied. "You know damn down too fast. 42

So there I was praying for a blonde with big tits, to come and suck me off when I suddenly stopped. I shouldn't be saying this out loud in church or it won't come true I thought. A guy walked into my bar and asked me for a Bacardi and Coke. I said, "We only have Pepsi, is that OK?" He said, "Sure." So I handed him a Pepsi and Coke.

"Has anyone seen my LSD tablets?" I called out. "In your pocket," said my green spotted dog. My wife was buried today which was totally against her wishes. She specifically requested not to be buried until she was certified dead.

Mathematics and science teaching should be a priority for schools, said David Cameron, adding it's no good knowing Oliver Cromwell won the Battle of Hastings or that Paris is the capital of Spain if you don't understand the four laws of gravity or can't calculate the volume of a circle using the Theorem of Pythagoras. When I was putting my Christmas lights up this morning I wasn't sure if it would offend my Non-Christian neighbours. So to be sure I painted a massive swastika on my garage door too. For the past month, I've had a wank on every Saturday. Not the black one though, she's fucking horrible. I tried to join the Labour Party but they said I had to do a couple of initiation tests first. So I fucked a few hospital workers, went on a knees up with a few bankers, and wiped my arse with the British flag. Next thing I know I'm Shadow Home Secretary. 43

If I was Rolf Harris, I would insist on a retrial.. In South Africa. Petrol prices hit an all-time low today, as I just drove off without paying. "Islamic State terrorists hold up Lindt shop". Great! I love Choc Isis. So this week I was on the plane, on my way to my holiday, when it fell out of the sky and into the sea. After miraculously surviving that, I saw a ferry passing by, so I caught it just in time...only for that to burst into flames. On being rescued, I thought "I'll get the train, what can go wrong with that?" But I missed it because someone tried to cram King's Cross into a station the size of a fucking pea. So I went to drive. But after being stuck in snow for 12 hours, I was forced to abandon my car. "Fine! I'll walk!" I said. And got hit by a fucking bin lorry. If Fleur East doesn't call her debut album "Self Raising Fleur" I won't be buying it. I like my women the way I like my Ferguson protesters: Completely naive but active when on camera. Hats off to the Taliban who killed all those children. Just think when they had all grown up they would all have become ,well Taliban. The worse thing with all these Pakistani killings is the telephone wait on these call centres is getting a lot longer. It's interesting to know that in Australia on average you are twice as likely to get killed by a terrorist than by a cricket ball. The Taliban have attacked a school, killing at least 130 Pakistani children. I still don't like them though.

Google's top 2014 search trends revealed' and its least successful one is: Madeleine McCann. Just saw on the news that some poor bastard was trapped in a cafĂŠ full of Australians. Boris Johnson has asked that we get a taxi to hospital rather than call 999 over the Christmas period. Also, if you're going to die please ensure you do it in a coffin to make life easier for everyone. Petrol could fall to under ÂŁ1 per litre, making it now the cheapest alcoholic drink for families on a budget. Reading the news this morning my first thought was it's about time Elton John got married. My second, these celebrities are so overprotective of their privacy - in the photos I saw he was just sitting with his mate and you couldn't even see his wife! All the gym bunnies moaning about the newbies. Get over yourselves. You didn't see us moaning when you came to use our pubs in December. Improvements to Asian Airlines are already underway as one aeroplane almost manages to land on a runway. A case of Ebola has been found in Glasgow....not quite the same as finding a case of Buckfast, but never mind... Specialist Ebola doctors are concerned after a case has been confirmed in Glasgow. It means the virus is now resistant to alcohol. We Buy Any Car dot Com. But not a bin wagon apparently. 44

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TO MY FINANCIALLY FOCUSED In these troubled times, it has FRIENDS: become very difficult to distinguish the The Question of the Day is... good towel-heads from the bad towelWill the Dollar fall or not? heads. Just where are the moderate Decide for yourself. Muslims, anyway? Do they actually exist? The following is provided, to help you distinguish between a bad towel-head and a good towel-head. You must study the pictures carefully so that you will not confuse the two in a moment of indecision. It could save your life! This is a typical BAD towel-head….

AS YOU CAN SEE. MY RABBI’S WIFE IS VERY SUPPOTIVE OF HIM.

and this is a typical GOOD towel-head…. Is that clear now?