Jester issue 62

Issue 62 March

Kanjan Dear reader.

So that’s February gone. With any luck the weather will get better this month.

Did you all have a nice valentines day/evening. I bet you all got cards.

I had a lovely one from my bank manager. Well I say card. It was actually an overdraft facility notice.

At my age any post is good on valentines and birthdays. It is also nice to wake up on the weekend, read the obituaries and find I am not part of them.

Anyway, this month has my favourite day in it. March the 14th is Steak and blowjob day. Unfortunately, my partner is in South Africa and Steak is really expensive. So I am stuck with Hamburger and hand job day.

Have any of you seen the “50 shades of grey” movie yet? The lucky lucky men must be making a fortune, with their knock-off DVD’s. I don’t think many men will worry about the quality. I believe it is really quite good. Not my kind of film though.

I like a good murder.

So this year is the Chinese year of the Goat. Muslims must love this

year, as much as they love their goats. I was surprised to discover, that Muslim men, Do not believe in oral sex. They say it is unhygienic and not natural. But shagging goats and kids is okay though?

As I mentioned earlier. The weather here is not too good. Today, it is cold, wet and windy. And there is bugger all on the TV. A bit like Christmas really.

The news is pretty much all about the up-coming general elections. I think Bob Mugabe will win it. Did any of you see the footage of Bob taking a tumble, after he had given a speech at the airport in Harare. It was bloody hilarious. The only downside, was that he got up.

So my lovelies, until the next issue.

Be careful out there.

Ed.

The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.

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Dear Editor, At our office, my wife asked "Why is it that all men are turning gay?" No-one knew the answer. "Because they are all fucking arseholes" She replied.

Graeme. Rioja.

That’s not like her. To be funny I mean.

Ed.

into the charger.

Dear Editor, Colin. Derby.

I've written the funniest joke ever about Good thinking batman..

Bono's death. The only problem, is that it Ed. makes no sense at the moment because Dear Editor, the prick is still alive. I'm quite prepared If anyone reading this magazine has only to bide my time for a few decades until one leg? I have a ton of socks they can his life comes to a natural end, but if anyone wants to hear the joke now, and have.

Bill. Quesada. it really is the funniest joke ever, you know what you have to do....

Dear Editor, Shaun. Belfast My partner is so unambitious. She wants to be a mid wife. Why can't she aim to Dear Editor, be a top wife?!

After years of wondering and wasted Kieran. La Mata. research money, I myself have finally come up with the conclusion as to why females exist‌ They are life support systems for vaginas.

Joe. Coventry.

Dear Editor, I saved my girlfriend's phone number on my mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls me, in my absence, my wife takes the phone and plugs it

To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Paul: 664 10 60 10 or Graeme: 966 764 403 Please send your letters, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook.

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My girlfriend felt sick after I told her I put ginger and chilli in the curry she was eating. She loved those cats.

My dad gave me the best advice ever. "Before you marry a woman, meet her mother and you'll know what your wife will be like in 30 years time". I learned she won't be giving me head or anal.

Hitler may have killed 6 million Jews, but he sure as fucking hell saved the History channel.

I just bought a goldfish but, unfortunately, it's epileptic. The weird thing is, as long as I leave it in the bowl, it's fine‌ The second I take it out to play fetch, it has a seizure.

with current affairs". I think that's really unfair and judgem....WHAT?!

Robin Williams has died?

I scored the winning runs in the local Parkinsons Cricket Championship.

It was hand shakes all round after.

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop If God didn't want black counting. I often wonder people to be robbers, He what she's up to now. wouldn't have camouflaged Choosing which political them as night-time. party to vote for is like choosing which flavour of crisp you want to dip in a puddle of shit.

The Games Workshop.

The only place in the world where you can feel your virginity growing back.

I don't think my goldfish appreciates his castle.

Ungrateful little shit.

People will stop showing you pictures of their kids if you whisper, "oh fuck I've had enough of people yeah", under your breath saying that I'm "slow" and when you look at the that I'm "not up to date photos.

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A man who accidentally shot his friend dead while testing if his bullet-proof vest worked has been jailed for seven years.

On the plus side, Aldi has promised him a refund.

To the dickhead who accused me of following his wife home last night, I know where you live!

Having sex burns 144 calories every half hour.

Sweet. So by the end of the year I can eat a Ryvita guilt free.

Buffering...

Masturbation foreplay.

I never seem to have the same music taste as the girls I score with. I just can't abide Alvin & The Chipmunks.

How do you confuse the staff in Greggs? Mention anything involving bread, cakes or money.

I always give my girlfriend CPR before we have sex. Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League.

It's the easiest way to when this woman dropped Kanye West fans do not blow her up. down dead in front of me. know who Beatles legend She'd just bought a bag for Paul McCartney is. Well I My baby's first steps life. Irony's a bitch. can safely say that if you brought tears to my eyes. He walked straight Lesbians. If they haven't like Kanye you'll definitely down a lift shaft. got a strap-on, they've got like Paul. He's a twat as well.

One of the big differences a strop on. between American English ''80% of Pakistan plunges Some woman knocked and British English is that into darkness in a massive on my door earlier and Americans tend to drop blackout.'' Someone there said that she had lost her dog. She said, "If you help the letter "U" from certain probably turned on the words, like colour and T.V, lights, fan and phone me find it I will let you fuck my fanny all night." I honour. What a bnch of charger all at once. said, "What does it look stpid fcking cnts.

So, there's been an outcry like?" She said, "It's a big, I was in Tesco yesterday on social media because black, fluffy thing."

I said, "No thanks love, I'll give it a miss."

We are always told we should look after and keep an eye on our old neighbours.

Why the fuck should we? My 87 year old neighbour is such a lazy bitch, she hasn't even taken her newspapers in for two weeks.

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a shame to see those stairs in his house go to waste.

"Anal or oral?" I said to my pregnant girlfriend. "Stop being a twat and just take my fucking temperature will you, " she replied.

You know you are getting old when the bird singing outside your bedroom Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. window first thing in the morning is a vulture.

An Indian bird walked past today, "I'd love to tap that," I said to my mate. "Me You can accurately measure a woman's too." He replied. "I beg your pardon?" intelligence level by giving her a simple She said as she overheard us, "I most prostate exam. If she lets you, she's thick certainly wouldn't have sex with either as fuck. of you." "You've got it all wrong, love."

It's the little things in life that make I replied, "We were talking about that you happiest. Especially if you're a dot on your forehead." paedophile.

Gerry McCann was listening to Eric I invited the lads over for a bukaki Clapton's 'Wonderful Tonight' when party the other night.... The missus Kate came into the room. "This reminds didn't mind, you could see it on her face. me of you," he said, and she smiled Today an attractive woman said I had at him. "Does it really, my love?" she replied, "Yes," he answered. "We would the body of a person much younger than me, and wanted to know my secret. still have had all three children if you However, my lawyer advised me not to hadn't left that fucking window open." answer the police woman's questions.

Some say they have a relationship with Jesus. Well if I was going to have a There's an amazingly hot girl at school personal relationship with an imaginary that I talk to every day, but I still don't being, I'd be banging Jessica rabbit like a think I'll ever get the chance to fuck her.

After all, she is my sister. shit house door in a storm.

The FA have been investigating Wayne Rooney's foul-mouthed celebration at the weekend. He looked into a camera and shouted, "Fuck off! What? Fuck off!"

They have found that he was just having an argument with his reflection.

I bought Stephen Hawking's wife a slinky for her birthday. It seemed such 6

million pounds." "Don't you mean dollars? " she replied, "I know what I mean", I said.

Leading pharmaceutical companies have announced that they will no longer use rabbits in their scientific experiments. Muslims are to be used instead. A spokesman explained that they breed much faster than rabbits, and nobody gets fond of them.

That first kiss in the morning is always a special one. The dog enjoys it too.

When Muslim parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises?

Three wogs, a paki, a half-Vietnamese lezzer, a crippled thalidomide dwarf, and a white middle-class man who keeps apologising for being alive enter a bar. The barman says, "sorry, no BBC journalists allowed."

This car I bought off the James Brown estate keeps breaking down.

I knocked on my neighbour's door. I said, "Your cat got on to the bonnet of my car and left scratch marks all over it." "I can only apologise!" said the woman, "He won't do it again." I said, "Of course not, he's dead."

The local Asian shopkeeper Mo has just charged me ÂŁ7 for a four pack of Fosters. They don't call him the profit Muhammad for nothing.

News: Obama meets with president of Mexico. When asked what it's like to govern 100 million Mexican people, Obama said, "It can be challenging."

I watched my wife give birth today and it was amazing to see what technology is available. I would have missed it all if it wasn't for iPhone FaceTime, and free wifi in the pub.

I said to my wife, "You look like a 7

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor. The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them." The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you.

That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

If I had a pound for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

In jail I over heard Leroy threatening one of the Muslims that he's gona get him in the showers and make him pick up the soap. After one hell of a struggle Leroy eventually got the better of him and made the dirty twat have a wash.

as GRID - Gay Related Immune Deficiency. Well that explains gridiron football.

Some black youths dissed me on the street today. This wouldn't have happened 200 years ago. I'd have fucking owned them.

This morning I took two large tablets.

In the afternoon I nicked three small iPhones.

You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"

I do have flabby thighs, But fortunately my stomach covers them.

The only reason I would take up walking Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Simple test to know if you're American: 1 - sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ ʇ,uɐɔ noʎ ɟı 2 - If you pronunciation is, like, you know, like, this, you know what I'm saying?

3 - If you are reading this while eating a hamburger.

4 - If you vote this down.

5 - If you say can I get, instead of may I have.

6 - If you play "football" with your hands. (and you're not Maradona).

7 - If you're morbidly obese.

8 - If you're obsessed with waving fucking flags.

9 - If you're gramp was Scottish, you think I fucking know him.

AIDS was originally referred to 8

A salesman held a gun to my head and forced me to buy blinds for my windows. Otherwise it would have been curtains for me.

Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League.

"See that blonde woman sitting in the corner?" I said to some bloke in the pub last night, "I'll give you ÂŁ20 if you can take her home with you." "Isn't that your wife?" he asked.

"Yes, yes it is." I replied.

Kim Kardashian: I'd like to take a selfie with Jesus.

Hasn't Jesus suffered enough?

How many dead Pakis does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Obviously not 8 because my basement is still dark.

Thought I had found a nice neighbourhood to visit while in London Turns out the name 'Whitechapel' couldn't be more misleading.

I remember going to a house party and some girl gave me a blow job. Some teenagers will do anything to avoid getting arrested.

When I die, I want my remains scattered in Disneyland. But, I don't want to be cremated.

Had an asthmatic attack this morning. Once he "There's only one thing started wheezing, I got my you can be sure of in life," fingers round his throat. said my wife, "and that is you are going to die." Say what you like about her, she knows how to delay my orgasm.

I woke up this morning and said to my wife "that was amazing last night, we're you faking it?", "No" she replied "I really was asleep!"

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I was the first onto the scene of a horrific road crash today. I saw there was a young girl that had survived so I decided to race her to the hospital...

I got to the hospital but unfortunately the young girl never made it, and I declared myself the winner!

Bill Gates - "The lives of people in poor countries will improve faster in the next 15 years than at any other time in history. And their lives will improve more than anyone else's."

Hardly surprising, Bill.

They'll all be moving to the fucking UK. Once you go black, you never go back.... to work.

Castration- It takes balls.

Jimmy, a priest and a rabbi were talking one day and during the course of the conversation, Jimmy casually asks the rabbi, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Jimmy then asks the priest, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The rabbi then asks the priest, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Macklin´s Welcome Inn. Via Park 3

Poker

Every Wednesday and Friday

Bingo

Saturday 2pm

Quiz

Sunday 9pm We now hold a Bookmakers Licence All sports betting legally available here!

South Yorkshire Police says PC Hassan Ali - believed to have been placed on restricted duties amid investigation over child sex abuse scandal - dies in car crash. Will this wanker get his 72 virgins or will that be knocked off what he's already had?.

When Gary Glitter was found guilty the judge said, "You will be going to prison for several years." From the public gallery Glitter's girlfriend shouted, "I'll wait for you, Gary!" He replied, "Erm, don't bother."

Jordan is apparently ready to do a deal with ISIS for release of jailed hostages.

"I'll swap any of the fuckers for Harvey" she was earlier quoted.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist, While you were all arguing over the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, the Opportunist. Dear Opportunist, Before you drank the glass of water with that smug grin on your face, I spat in it. Sincerely, the Sadist.

I don't like selfish people at all. I saw this guy pushing like 50 shopping trolleys at Sainsbury's the other day. Really? You think someone else might want one?

My Mum said, "You know, your Uncle Joe had the luck of the Irish." "Win the lottery, did he?" I asked. She replied, "No, he was killed in a car bombing."

It seems like that we will soon be able to produce hearts for transplants grown in pigs. What absolutely fantastic news.

I can't wait to get home and tell my seriously ill neighbour, Mohammed.

I was chewing the shit out of my finger nails earlier. Serves me right for running out of toilet roll.

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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to UPVC WINDOWS DOORS show him a scope. The clerk & CONSERVATORIES takes out a scope and says to ALL TYPES OF BUILDING WORKS UNDERTAKEN the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all CENTRO COMERCIAL LOS DOLSES, 104 URB VILLAMARTIN - 03189 ORIHUELA COSTA, the way up on that hill." The ALICANTE, SPAIN. man takes a look through the TEL: (0034) 966 764 730 - FAX: (0034) 966 764 158 scope, and starts laughing.

Email: enquiries@candgfabrications.com "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked I took granddad to sign him up with a woman running around in the house," talent agent.. "You have to admit it," I the man replies. The clerk grabs the said, "he's the most current impression scope from the man, and looks at his of Michael Jackson ever." "Maybe so" house. Then he hands two bullets to replied the agent. "But I don't think the man and says, "Here are two bullets. there'd be much demand for him."

I'll give you this scope for nothing if you "So what do you want me to do?" I take these two bullets, shoot my wife's asked. "Scape him up off my fucking head off and shoot the guy's dick off�. desk and put him back in that urn."

The man takes another look through the Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay scope and says, "You know what? I think sounds super fun if you don't know I can do that with one shot!" what either of those things are.

What Premature Joy Looks Like!

Tonight on Air crash Investigation we ask how a perfectly functional, state of the art 747 managed to crash 13 miles off course into a mountain, killing all on board‌ June 23rd 1998, it was a clear blue sky and Captain Lucinda Briggs was at the controls. Well that's that fucker solved, might as well turn over.

When my girlfriend screams "harder.. deeper" I respond by yelling "Wetter.. tighter..."

Who the fuck does she think she is?

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The CIA had an opening for a new assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, unknown to the finalists. The CIA loaded a gun with blanks and took them to a large metal door. They took the first man and handed him the gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home". The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home". Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "So I had to beat him to death with the chair." Three ladies are playing the 4th hole at the golf course in Hampton, New Brunswick when a naked man , wearing a bag over his head , jumps from the trees

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and runs across the green. The 3 lady members , look and are in total shock at the size of his Manhood. The first lady says, "Well he definitely is not my Husband." The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He for sure is not my Husband." The third lady takes a good look and says. "He's not even a member of this club.

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.

My eight year old son was playing football in the garden when he tripped over his own feet. He screamed and thrashed about like he had been battered. I was so proud, my son is going to be a Chelsea player someday.

Prince Ali has challenged Sepp Blatter to a public debate over the Fifa presidency.

Sepp Blatter says he is not interested unless the Greens are invited.

I was disgusted with my son's school report today. Turns out it's full of Pakis who can't speak English, most of the teachers are butch Lezzas and the head of P.E is a nonce.

Katie Price has been quoted as saying: "My death might be a Diana moment" Yeah, we all wish it had happened in 1997 too.

I went to a night club with my mates last night and we all had a ÂŁ20 bet to see who could screw the ugliest woman, by the end of the night. After an hour or so they called my mobile and said, "Where are you?" I said, "At home with the wife."

"There's actually little data to show that Asian children are any smarter than children of other races. It's really just a matter of perception, as I concluded from my research."

Said my Chinese neighbour's three year-old son.

I've just seen the video of Robert Mugabe falling down some steps.

It didn't end well.

He's ok.

If I had a pound for every time I've needed a coin for a shopping trolley....

My mate Dave's motto is 'Better out than in'. Nice bloke, still a virgin though.

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Ex-managing director of the International Monetary Fund and former French presidential hopeful Dominique Strauss-Kahn is facing charges regarding his involvement in an alleged prostitution ring. He has admitted to attending libertine sex parties but denies knowing that the women involved were prostitutes, arguing that it was impossible to tell what they were because they were naked. Well, Dominique, here's some advice for next time: If they're in their late teens or early twenties… And you're at work… And it's a Tuesday lunchtime… And they're NAKED… And you're a fat, balding old man in his sixties who smells faintly of garlic and who lists his interests as law, economics and socialism… And there are 8 of them… And they're clambering over one another like kittens under a cow udder as you withdraw your sweaty, throbbing member from a dry, overstretched pussie, to swallow every last drop of your stinking, dying semen. They're probably French.

Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." sighs the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father.... Who art in Heaven......"

Scottish brother and sister talking.

"What's the name of that group of terrorists that burned that pilot, can you remember?" "Aye Sis." "That's the one."

A UK-based firm is offering services to prevent the falling of rain on the most special day of your life. Now you only have to worry about constantly bickering relatives, disapproving parents, an exponentially overshooting budget, last-minute bailed-out caterer and possible jilted exes spoiling your whole wedding experience.

Baseball Fans have 'Shoeless' Joe Jackson as one of their all-time heroes. 'Bareback' Ched Evans just doesn't have the same ring to it.

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me!

Please help me!" She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air 14

Ex-managing director of the International Monetary Fund and former French presidential hopeful Dominique Strauss-Kahn is facing charges regarding his involvement in an alleged prostitution ring. He has admitted to attending libertine sex parties but denies knowing that the women involved were prostitutes, arguing that it was impossible to tell what they were because they were naked. Well, Dominique, here's some advice for next time: If they're in their late teens or early twenties… And you're at work… And it's a Tuesday lunchtime… And they're NAKED… And you're a fat, balding old man in his sixties who smells faintly of garlic and who lists his interests as law, economics and socialism… And there are 8 of them… And they're clambering over one another like kittens under a cows udder as you withdraw your sweaty, throbbing member from a dry, very large, overstretched fanny, to swallow every last drop of your stinking, dying semen… They're probably French.

skills. It's a fake plant!!" A couple years later I heard that her daughter had died after falling down the stairs. So I decided to stop by and offer my condolences. "I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I know you probably feel horrible for letting her fall down that flight of stairs, which is why I got you something more suitable to your parenting skills. It's a slinky!!"

The driver of the Glasgow bin lorry says that he cannot recall the crash. To be honest with all the excitement in France, Belgium and with a burning pilot I had forgotten that 6 Glaswegians had died.

Doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, point is… You need to buy a different size bra.

My girlfriend insisted that I would make a horrible father so to prove her wrong, I bought a new ivy plant to hang in my living room and told her that I could keep it alive for a full year. It died within the first month. We broke up the next day when the bitch showed up at my door to mock me. "I'm so sorry your plant died. I know it can be hard remembering to water it, which is why I got you something more suitable to your caretaking 15

I remember the night before my wedding. Bundled into the toilet on a train going to Aberdeen 400 miles away, naked and covered in vomit. How she made it to the church on time is a mystery.

I was having sex with my wife last night when she suddenly yelled, "Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!" "Just relax."

I said, "You might like it." "Relax?" she screamed, "What the fuck is Dave doing here?"

My son lost a title fight to a young black lad in the under 14's regional boxing finals. To show there were no hard feelings I decided to congratulate the victor by text, "Well done Chimp!" I text. "I think you meant *champ." He replied. "No, I didn't." I wrote back.

It's hard to get a job when you're an autistic sixteen-year-old with one arm and one eye and your only hope at a job is slamming on a keyboard and hoping relevant words will come out. Well, As the train pulled into Bradford station, today that all changes: I finally got the job in the local council benefits office.

I heard 2 people talking about how the city had lost its identity to immigration. My dentist reminded me of my wife's I wanted to go and educate them about sensitive gag reflex. We laughed and the positive influences that cultural laughed. Then I remembered that my diversity could have in a community, wife and I have different dentists. and the many ways in which us Pakistanis Over 7 million Syrian children are in were integrating into British society. danger. The Pope must be visiting.

But I was too busy trying to get a good seat on the roof.

I called into the supermarket on the way home from work to pick my wife up a couple of boxes of Tampons, "Would you like a bag with those, Sir?" Asked the young checkout girl. "No, thanks," I replied, "I don’ want to be seen walking down the road with a Lidl bag."

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

I just put up some new shelves and when I finished they weren't level, so my girlfriend started having a go at me.

"You're useless at DIY, you can't do anything properly, you're pathetic. How can you fuck up simple measurements?"

So I beat her to within an inch of her life...although as she hasn't moved since, I might have gone a few inches over.

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over and gave him a right good kicking.

I'm now banned from Kwik Fit. Harvey Price got into a taxi to go to school the other day.

At the end of the trip his mum Katie asked the driver, "What's the damage?" "He's blind, autistic and fat." replied the driver.

I was walking along with my lanky conservative MP when all of a sudden this car strayed from the road and she was impaled from the waist down. Anyway, cut a long torry short.

I saw a picture on the news today showing how Madeline McCann would look now. It showed her smiling, wearing a smart dress with a pink band in her hair. Whoever has got her is really looking after her.

I don't have a religious bone in my body. Well not since the priest got put away.

I saw a young black fella taking the hubcaps off a car earlier, so I went

My wife got a pay rise. Oh joy, am I looking forward to tonight! Where she tells me all about her pay rise.

The BNP has announced it will be taking over all call centres that have a British interest, they have already recorded the opening message.... "You are through to the United Kingdom. Please press 1 if

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you speak English... or 2 to be disconnected until you can..."

People claim these days there is no such thing as job security. What a load of bollocks. There's a bloke in my town who's been selling the Big Issue for the last 20 years.

I love sex with my Indian girlfriend. Just got to wait before everyone else on the bus has finished first.

I said to my wife that I wished she was more like Malaysian Airlines. "Oh so you want me to go down on you?" I said "No. I want you to die in a crash".

My wife gave me a coupon good for one blowjob on my birthday. I redeemed it with her friend Betty.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, Start with a small country.

the Houston family in the space of three years. Yet there have been none in the entire history of Muslims.

What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your hole weak!

A news report has shown groups of Africans laughing England's inability to cope with a bit of snow. Oh yeah? It might take me a little longer to get home, but at least my tea will be there.

eyes there wouldn't be so many plane crashes.

I've got have the world's unluckiest love life. My wife just left me for my mistress.

I got stopped by a woman in the street today. She The Queen has 'concerns' said, "Excuse me, sir, have about Prince Charles you had an accident in taking the throne, a the last three years that new biography claims. wasn't your fault?" I said, I'm not surprised she "Yes, she's nearly 2 now." has concerns. The main I always start shaking one is probably that she'll when I'm around black be dead. people‌ Luckily no one Poundland has bought all can notice under this 99p shops. Watch their white sheet. prices fucking rocket now.

Taiwan: Tower: My wife asked me for a TransAsia you are going pearl necklace for her off flight path'. Captain: birthday. Well I've gone 'We will cross that bridge one better. I've got her when we come to it'. some anal beads as well.

I've just completed my What my son lacks in 17th OCD awareness self esteem he more course. than makes up in fatness. It's amazing to think that I don't know. Maybe if there have almost been East Asians had bigger two bath related deaths in 18

The inventor of the sleeping pill as died and his being buried next week ' he's not having a wake .

I've been seeing someone about my sex addiction.

A prostitute.

I'm going to start telling women that I'm available for a limited time only and hope that their shopping instinct kicks in.

My wife is so useless at giving hand jobs that if she was milking a cow she'd make the fucking thing jump up and down itself.

On my first day at work in the benefits office, my boss asked me to make up a list of disabled clients names. I didn't realise he meant their real names.

I've just been doing the doughnuts in the car park.

I've got jam all over my dick.

Necrophilia. It puts the FUN into Funeral!

I walked into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the shop, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it. The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister". When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do: ...1/3 ownership in the shop, a company 4x4, a king size bed, and £3,000 a month in living expenses".

WHAT’S ON IN MARCH

Come join us on the 17th.

FOR A FABULOUS ST PATRICKS DAY WITH BELLA LUNA FROM 3 PM. And Try our Green Beer!!!

we aint got done yet, !' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?' The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.' Murphy said, Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant 'Ah yeah, during conception.' When for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with the doctor began to deliver the baby. his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember She had a little boy, and the doctor dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and looked over at Murphy and said. Hey, we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.' She Murph! You just had you a son,! 'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, .....it's a feckin' but just then the doctor spoke up and good ting we didn't use WD-40. said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

I'm not racist, just someone with the He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a right beliefs. daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, I didn't fart in front of my missus until too....' Murphy got kind of puzzled by we were married. I don't think the vicar this and then the doctor said, ‘hold on’ was impressed though.

19

With Britain becoming worse and worse by the day, I propose that we all seek asylum somewhere. I suggest Pakistan: We could build a huge church in the middle of Islamabad that dominates the skyline, set up chippys and shops on every corner, assault the locals who dare to come into "our" part of town, set up specialist shops selling pork products and non-halal meat, protest to the government that the name "Ramadan" is offensive to our religion, and ask that they make it more inclusive by changing it to "Starve Yourself Fest."

strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like hipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream, I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'

David Cameron has taken part in a Hindu ceremony in London. The live footage got my hopes up, but the red dot on his forehead wasn't from a sniper after all.

Two kids were arguing over whose dad was the wimpiest. The first lad says, "My dad is so scared that, when lightning strike's he goes and hides under the Doona !!! The second lads replies, "That's nothing, my dad gets so scared when my mum works on night shift, he Couple in their nineties are both having sleeps with the woman next door'. problems remembering things. During a Years ago it was suggested, that an check-up, the doctor tells them that apple a day kept the doctor away. But they're physically okay, but they might since all the doctors are now Muslims, want to start writing things down to I've found that a bacon sandwich works help them remember. Later that night, better ! while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm What's the difference between a in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me Belgian and a lump of dog shit? The a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you Belgian drinks wine, but the dog shit smells good. think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can If either Joseph or Mary had a sister, remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some would that make her the auntie Christ?

20

In court I said to the judge, "It's not just myself that's to blame for me standing in the dock today!" He looked at me sceptically and asked, "Why, who else shares the blame?"

13th 9pm Live Music - Mod/Ska Night I pointed to the arresting officer With Vocalist Johnny Fox and said, "Well, that twat caught 27th 9pm Northern Soul Music Night. me!"

3rd April 9pm Live Music Cher Tribute Just got handed a 5 year prison Sunday Lunch´s 2pm - 5pm sentence and I've been told the CLOSED MONDAYS wife can only visit me once a month. "Who said crime doesn't pay."

My girlfriend doesn't believe in sex before marriage. So I showed her some of my old home movies to prove it was real.

I got chatting to a bird in a club she said, I've been strapped for cash recently; it "I'm sick of men agreeing with everything pays more than my old office job, but it's costing me a small fortune in painkillers.

I say just 'cause I've got big tits."

I said, "Yeah, I hate that."

How many Scousers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to nick it, one to plug it in, and one to say "Ahh-light, Ahh-light".

I was shocked to get a letter through the post this morning saying I couldn't go within a hundred yards of my wife and kids‌I applied for it months ago.

What's the difference between a criminal court and a basketball court?

Nothing, they're both mostly used by black people.

My wife was looking at her gut in the mirror this morning and said "I can't seem to shift this post baby weight" "That's not really a valid excuse," I replied "Jacks now 21".

Last month I cut my energy bill in half. Didn't work though. I still had to pay the full amount.

21

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DANCING DUBLIN EVENTS FEAST DAY FESTIVAL GREEN GUINNESS HERITAGE HISTORY HOLIDAY

HOLY DAY IRELAND IRISH LEPRECHAUN LIMERICK MARCH MISSIONARY MUSIC PARADE PATRON SAINT

POTATOES SEVENTEENTH SHAMROCK SNAKES SODA BREAD TRADITION YEARLY

Find and circle all of the words that are associated with St. Patrick's Day, hidden in the grid. The remaining 34 letters spell a secret message. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck.

22

This is the lady who used bacon strips as bookmarks while reading from the Koran and then she ripped out the pages and burned them..... all on video.

daily DIRECT FLIGHTS from Heathrow to Denver. Here's what you will need to do: After arriving at Denver and passing through customs, you will need to catch the shuttle to the rental car facility.

Once in your rental car, take Pena Boulevard to I-225 south. Proceed on I-225 south to I-25 south. Proceed south on I-25 to Lincoln Avenue which is exit 193. Turn right (west) onto Lincoln. Proceed west to the fourth light, and turn left (south) onto Ridgegate Boulevard. Proceed south, through the roundabout to Kornburst Drive. Turn left onto Kornburst Drive and then take an immediate right onto Kornburst Circle. I'm at #9175. Just do me one favour. PLEASE wear body armor. I have some new ammunition that I want to try out, and frankly, close-quarter body Ann Barnhart is described as "a shots without armor would feel almost livestock and grain commodity unsporting from my perspective. That broker and marketing consultant, and the fact that I'm probably carrying a American patriot, traditional good 50 I.Q. points on you, makes it Catholic, and unwitting countermorally incumbent upon me to spare you revolutionary blogger." She has tak- a tactical advantage. However, being that en on Islam and they have you are a miserable, trembling coward, I noticed. Here is her response to realize that you probably are incapable of a death threat. actually following up on any of your DEATH THREAT: threats without losing control of your To: annbarnhardt bowels and crapping your pants while Re: Watch your back simultaneously sobbing yourself into I'm going to kill you when I find you. hyperventilation. So, how about this: why Don't think I won't, I know where you don't you contact the main mosque here and your parents live and all I'll need in Denver and see if some of the local is one phone call to kill you mastoids here in town would be willing all.....mufcadnan123 to carry out your attack for you? After ANN'S RESPONSE: all, this is what your "perfect man", the Re: Watch your back. prophet, Mohamed did (pig excrement Hello mufcadnan123! be upon him). You see, Mohamed, You don't need to "find" me. My address being a miserable coward and a con is 9175 Kornburst Circle, Lone Tree, artist, would send other men into battle CO 80124. Luckily for you, there are to fight on his behalf. Mohamed would 23

stay at the BACK of the pack and let the stupid, ignorant suckers like you, that he had conned into his political cult do the actual fighting and dying. Mohamed would then fornicate with the dead men's wives and children. You should follow Mohamed’s example! Here is the contact info for the main mosque here in Denver: Masjid Abu Bakr Imam Karim Abu Zaid 2071 South Parker Road Denver, CO 80231. Phone: 303-6969800. I'm sure they would be delighted to hear from you. Frankly, I'm terribly disappointed that not a SINGLE mastoid here in the United States has made ANY attempt to rape and behead me. But maybe I haven't made myself clear enough, so let me do that right now.

I will NEVER, EVER, EVER submit to Islam. I will fight Islam with every fiber of my being for as long as I live, because Islam is pure satanic evil. If you are really serious about Islam dominating the United States and the world, you are going to have to come through me. You are going to have to kill me. Good luck with that. And understand that if you or some of your mastoid boyfriends do

actually manage to kill me, The Final Crusade will officially commence five minutes later, and then, despite your genetic mental retardation, you will be made to understand with crystal clarity what the word "defeat" means. Either way, I win, so come and get it.

I Like this lady. Ed.

Sod the horse meat in burgers, this is a lot more worrying.

24

It’s going to take a full 10 years to rid the indigenous population of South Georgia of rats. Something Maggie Thatcher took only a month to do in the Falklands.

Just watched Spiderman 3 on TV and couldn't help but notice that his suit turned black, then Spiderman became a thief and a criminal. Funny that!

track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.

My grandpa started walking Five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old. And we have no idea where the hell he is.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a Sheila called Penny.

Spooky or what?

In a way, aren't we all 9/11 survivors?

My wife was pissed off with me so she put, 'My husband has a tiny dick' on facebook. It backfired on her though when her sisters, her mother and her best friends commented, 'We know.'

As a Scot, it makes me proud that our nation's men have been voted the "manliest on Earth". However, it makes me sad that our women share the same title.

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London England, has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal. It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "This is Muhammad El Ajakar and I am very depressed. I am lying here on a railway 25

26

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother 2. He liked Gospel 3. He didn't get a fair trial But, then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father's business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure he was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands 2. He had wine with His meals 3. He used olive oil But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut His hair 2. He walked around barefoot all the time 3. He started a new religion But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature 2. He ate a lot of fish 3. He talked about the Great Spirit But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. She fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food 2. She kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when She was dead, She had to get up because there was still work to do.

A woman and a baby are in a doctor's surgery, where the doctor is concerned about the baby's weight. "Is he bottle or breastfed?" asks the doctor. The woman replies, "breast". With that, the doctor orders her to strip to her waist so he can examine her breasts. After pinching her nipples and sucking and rubbing both of her breasts for some time the doctor says, "No wonder the baby is under weight, you have no milk!" The woman replies, "I know, I'm his Nan, but I'm glad I came."

27

Not the correct way to wrap up the wife’s new Hoover upright vacuum cleaner for Christmas.

double edged sword if you're a vampire.

The popularity of Steak and Blowjob day leaves me rather proud, as it was my Thai wife who originally came up with the idea one teatime a few years ago. I asked for steak, she told me to suck her dick.

The black man who was abused by Chelsea fans on a Paris Metro train has now reported the incident to the police. Afterwards he told a reporter "We're sick of those white English pricks, they should fuck off back to their own country."

Intense excitement among the Muslim community of London today as details of the forthcoming Formula E Grand Prix in Battersea Park were unveiled.

Until, after reading the press release again, it turns out that the name of The 14th of March is Steak and Blowjob one of the participating teams is actually day, or dinner at your Sister's as its Virgin RACING......... known in Norfolk.

I said to my Muslim friend, Abdul, "I As usual, yesterday was a fucking saw Fifty Shades of Grey yesterday." washout. Even the steak didn't go He replied, "Which bit?" "The bit you'd down well. wank to," I said, winking. His face lit up.

"Are you saying that there's a goat in Just cooked myself a prime steak and the bloody dog ate it. Now he's looking Fifty Shades of Grey?" at me as if he's saying "You know what you have to do now..."

Steak and blowjob day. Or as some Scunthorpe folk might call it "Dinner round your sisters" Today is steak and blow job day.. or friday for us married people.

I can't get hold of any steak for later on tonight, but I should be able to help out with the other half of the deal. So my black cell mate says.

'Steak and blowjob day'. A bit of a 28

showed him a ten pound note but only gave him a fiver.

What's the difference between true love and your wife. True love wants you to take them to another world when in bed. And your wife wants you to paint the ceiling.

Nice to see Emile Heskey looking so smart in the Match of the Day studio.

My guess is he was going for casually dressed, and missed.

The world should be grateful to ISIS for all these health and safety videos that they keep publishing. The latest one shows what could happen if you forget to put the pilot alight out.

Al-Qaeda has also now condemned the burning of the Jordanian pilot as deviant." You know you are fucking crazy when even Al-Qaeda says you've taken things too far!

Today is world cancer day. Share if you know someone who deserves cancer.

This Amazon Fire voice activated TV was a bad idea. It keeps searching for all kinds of crap because my wife never stops fucking talking.

My eight year old son asked me what is it like to have a job. So I told him to tidy his bedroom, wash the dishes and take the dog for a walk. When he returned I

A plane has crashed into a river in Taiwan, clipping a taxi and a bridge on its way down. Officials say at the moment there are 19 confirmed deaths, whilst 16 people have been rescued. And that's just in the taxi.

The fat bird was furious when I rejected her advances at the pub. "Most men love a woman with curves," she sneered. "I know, just not women with one big round curve."

The muslim world is really just one big circus. So many bearded ladies.

Jordan have executed a female suicide bomber in retaliation to the killing of one of their pilots. Isis were reported to have commented, "That'll teach her to fuck up."

In a recent survey carried out for Brut, a leading men’s toiletries firm, people from Liverpool and Glasgow have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Liverpool’s and Glasgow’s inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.

The Government is voting on whether to allow babies to be created with the DNA from 3 or more people. I don't know what all the fuss is about, Katie Price has been doing it for years.

Desi Rascals. Sounds so much nicer than Paki Bastards, doesn't it?.

29

Some of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator.

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator.

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh. Horse Racing Commentator. "This is a really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford v Cambridge boat race 1977. "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford Crew."

5. US PGA Commentator. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.

Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed

snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

13. "The Batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey". Brian Johnston stating the bowler Michael Hodling and the batsman Peter Willey in a test cricket match 14. "Well, Botham just couldn't get his leg over there". Brian Johnston when Ian Botham stood on his wicket after trying to step over them facing a fast bouncer.

My mate bet me a thousand pound that I couldn't make my mum dance at my birthday party. So I told her there was a spider in her hair.

Last night was when I found out I knew it was time for me to stop drink driving.

I'd had at least five pints and was at the wheel and had started singing when the person in the back seat told me to shut up. It was so embarrassing for me to realise that I'd forgotten that I'd just arrested someone.

Toyota have apologised for not spotting the fault which causes loss of control.

They would have noticed it sooner if the Yaris had actually been bought by men.

All those who believe in telekinesis raise my Hand.

30

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.

The first one stopped and took a pill.

"What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."

They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay.....please A mother was working in the kitchen see the fat fucking bitch in the kitchen...."

I'm about to take part in the Great listening to her 5-year-old son playing Bradford Run. It's not an official race. with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her You just stand in the middle of the shopping centre and shout "Allah is son saying, "All of you sons of bitches a Fuckwit" and then off we go….! who want off, get the fuck off now…

I got sacked from my job as a Bingo because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, Caller. Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view." is not the way to get your arses in the train… because call number 69. we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her I watched that video where a Muslim son, "We don't use that kind of language man stands blindfolded on the street in this house. Now I want you to go to with a sign that says, "I'm labelled a your room and you are to stay there for terrorist because of my religion. If you TWO HOURS. When you come out, trust me, come up and give me a hug." you may play with your train, but I want Lots of people did. He must have fucked you to use nice language." Two hours up building the detonator.

31

Onions and Christmas Trees A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s,

it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

My wife said, "I'm leaving you for another man." "Right, who is he?" I asked, "where does he live?" "There's no point getting angry, and going round there causing trouble." She cried. "I’m not going to cause any trouble?" I replied, "I want to go round there and shake his hand."

I took a few pictures of myself wanking earlier today. I didn't realise the curtain only came half way down in the photo booth , now I'm banned from the Post Office.

I'm launching a porn mag for homeless people to sell. Big Tissue.

32

A load of Pakistanis live in my area and they are setting off car horns and dancing in the streets after winning the cricket. Pakistanis are very proud to be Pakistanis but not proud enough to live there, evidently.

Imagine being 85. A comfortable seat in very pleasant surroundings where you can sit surrounded by people your own age mumbling nonsense all day.

Imagine being attended by nice smiling people and genuinly thinking you are still important, whilst living very nicely at the expense of the taxpayer. Well, that's not for everyone of course. Some of us aren't fortunate enough to get a seat in the House of Lords.

If I was to wake up next to Beyonce in my bed. I would assume Jay Z was downstairs stealing my TV. I watched with satisfaction as my mother-in-law finished off the lunch I had made for her. "Yum," she said, "This was absolutely delicious. What meat did you use in the casserole?

Tuna?" "I'm not sure exactly," I replied, "but there was a picture of a cat on the tin."

In bed last night, my wife woke up and said, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I said, "It's called a prostate examination." She said, "I don't have one, now get your fucking finger out of my arse."

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she asks. 'Yes,' he replies. 'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says. 'It's best I stay here,' he says. ‘Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "Because I'm the fucking goalkeeper !!!"

Would you please stop eating in bed," I said to my wife. "I'm sorry," she replied. "Have I got crumbs on your side?" "No, you're just really fat," I said.

33

have a representative? He didn't tell me.

The Pope: But I am the leader of the Catholic Church. St. Peter: The Catholic church ... Never heard of it.. Wait, I'll check with the boss. St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth. God: I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus.

(Yells for Jesus) Jesus: Yes father, what's up? God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.

Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room laughing out loud. After a I knocked on a guy’s door this evening, few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why as he answered I asked, "Do you want he's laughing. Jesus: Remember that to buy Jimmy Savile's parrot?" "How do fishing club I started 2000 years ago?

I know that was genuinely Jimmy Savile's It still exists! parrot?" he asked. "Watch this!" I replied I went on Mastermind recently. As I goading the parrot, "come on, say took my seat in the famous black chair something.... Come on!" I carried on, host John Humphry’s asked, "Specialist "say something!" Just then my parrot subject?" I said, "Celebrity paedophiles quirks, "Who's a pretty boy then!?"

I turned to the guy and said, "There you from 1970's to Present day..." "What?"

He said shocked. "Sorry!" I replied, go, what more proof do you need?"

"The BBC." Twin brothers are in front of their birthday presents. "So what did you get?" My cat jumped up onto my bed and "I got a PSP, a bike, four model cars, ten went behind me. Without looking, I action figures, the new playstation 3, 10 reached around and started stroking his tail for a couple of minutes. That games for it, and loads of cool t-shirts was when I remembered, I only have and clothes. And you?" "I got a pair of socks and a spiderman toy." "Is that it?" a manx cat.

"Well yeah, but I don't have leukaemia." There's a faith healer performing in town tonight who reckons he can cure The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who anything, even my blindness. Might turn he is. The Pope: I am the pope. St. Peter: up to that, just to see.

Who? There's no such name in my book. The Pope: I'm the representative of God on Earth. St. Peter: Does God

I Had a girl following me around today.

To be honest, I found it quite flattering.

Then I had a clear look at her. Now it's 34

POOL LEAGUE BARS ARE STILL WELCOME TO ADVERTISE IN “THE JESTER” 36

I had been with my now ex-girlfriend for a few years when a new neighbour moved in next door. His name was Joseph, and he had a son (also named Joseph, or Joey, but not relevant to the story). Anyway. Joseph seemed nice enough, and he would often talk to me and my girlfriend about this and that.

He and his wife were divorced, and somehow he got sole custody of Joey.

He had a strange accent, but when we asked about it, he always brushed it aside. About a year after he moved in, my girlfriend fell pregnant. I wasn't really sure what to do because I was young, but I didn't want to leave her. So, we got engaged and planned on getting married.

A few months after that, she told me the truth. She had been sleeping with Joseph.

I was beyond furious. I demanded a paternity test, and she complied. Weeks later, I got the news. Sir, were sorry, but you’re not the father. The news was too much. I broke down. I broke up with my girlfriend, went over to Joseph's house, rang the doorbell, and when he answered, I hit him square in the eye.

He laughed and slammed the door in my face. The next day, he was wearing cotton-wool over his eye. It made me feel slightly better knowing he was in pain, if only for a little while. About a month later, Joseph and Joey moved out, leaving my ex-girlfriend to become a single mother. She asked me if I knew anything about where he had gone, and I told her I didn't. That's the truth though.

He just packed up and left without saying a word. Anyway, the point is. If it hadn't been for cotton-eyed Joe, I'd been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my lit cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.

I slept with a woman last night who had no nipples. Her tits seemed so pointless.

A civil rights activist said to me today, "Martin Luther King's work is not done!"

I replied, "He's just like the rest of them, then."

There are so many third world poverty adverts on TV these days. The one where they show a picture of a village of skinny niggers sitting around a deep dry hole in the ground for days.

Seriously, it's just well out of order.

I was at the police station. "OK, you get one phone call." the cop told me. So I called 999. "Hello, this is 999, what is your emergency?" “a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage." I replied.

My Korean girlfriend says she has a bit of a sweet tooth. So I bought her a box of chocolate Labradors.

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When I was twelve, I jammed a tile from a Scrabble set into a Nerf gun and shot my brother in the forehead, killing him instantly. It was an accident though, I thought it was a blank.

"I told the interviewer.

"That may be the case, but would you please get out of my chair and wait outside with the other applicants until your name is called, " he replied.

I've been a fan of one I had a wet dream about wheeled cycles ever since Uni. Elton John last night. I dreamt he was shot in the A cure has been found head and I pissed myself for homosexuality. Lip laughing. balm you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the About a year into our chaps away. relationship I started to I've decided to marry have difficulties getting a pencil. I can't wait to aroused. We had two introduce my parents to different thoughts on my bride 2B. what the problem was.

She bought me some My pulling technique is Viagra I stopped buying like gonorrhoea... I've still her donuts. got it.

"I'm confident, bold, and I I was admitted to hospital am not afraid to take risks, suffering a severe case of

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sexual frustration but after 48 hours I discharged myself.

All the media publicity surrounding the May election made me realise how little I knew about politics. I didn't even know who Gordon Brown was.

I just thought Tony Blair had put on weight and had a stroke.

The little black kids on those oxfam adverts have got this acting lark off to a tee. There's no flies on them....

My girlfriend was sucking me off when she asked me if I'd like to come in her mouth. At least, I assumed that's what "mmn nyrg, No! Fgurble, You fkng bsdlard! gurble." meant.

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Me and the girlfriend went through bit of a rough patch recently.

Jesus, I didn't think that's one part of Birmingham I never want to see again.

without a care in the world. The tourist turned to the barman and said, "What sort of country is this? A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kanThe missus and I have garoo and that guy in decided to try for a the corner is masturchild. Her mother said bating in full view of she would help out a everyone." bit. But only until I got The barman said, "You hard. heartless bastard, he's I wouldn't say the only got one leg, how cruise ship was old but do you expect him to it was insured against catch a kangaroo?" fire, piracy, and falling ALWAYS ASK, off the edge of the NEVER ASSUME!! world.

His request approved, the CNN I was visiting my mate and he said photographer quickly used. A cell phone "make yourself at home" so I humped to call the local airport to charter a his virgin daughters. That day I decided flight. He was told a twin-engine plane that being Muslim was not that bad. would be waiting For him at the airport.

"Thank you for attending the interview Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane Warming up outside a hanger.

Miss. Smith. I see here that you have some work experience but not the qual- He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, And shouted, 'Let's go'. The ifications that I'm looking for. I like to pilot taxied out, swung the plane Into give people a chance, so why should I employ you?" "Would you prefer me to the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed The pilot, spit or swallow?"

'Fly over the valley and make low passes A tourist in Australia was driving So I can take pictures of the fires on the through the Australian Outback when hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. he noticed a man on the side of the 'Because I'm a photographer for road having sex with a kangaroo. A few CNN', He responded, 'and I need to kilometers further on he came upon a get some close up shots.' The pilot was small Outback town, parked his car and strangely silent for a moment, Finally he went into the pub for a drink. He stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, grabbed a beer and had a look around Is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?' the bar and noticed a one legged guy Rape... It's not just a walk in the sitting in the corner masturbating park you know!

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THIS IS NOT FUNNY OR RUDE. I JUST WANTED YOU TO READ IT. My name is Chris, I am three, My eyes are swollen..

I cannot see.

I must be stupid, I must be bad, What else could have made, My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better, I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my mommy, Would still want to hug me.

I can't do a wrong, I can't speak at all, Or else I'm locked up, All day long.

When I'm awake, I'm all alone, The house is dark, My folks aren't home.

When my mummy does come home, I'll try and be nice, So maybe I'll just get, One whipping tonight.

I just heard a car, My daddy is back, From Charlie's bar I hear him curse, My name is called, I press myself, Against the wall.

I try to hide, From his evil eyes, I'm so afraid now, I'm starting to cry.

He finds me weeping, Calls me ugly words, He says its my fault, He suffers at work.

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He slaps and hits me, And yells at me more, I finally get free, And run to the door.

He's already locked it, And I start to bawl, He takes me and throws me, Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor, With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues, With more bad words spoken.

'I'm sorry!', I scream, But it's now much to late, His face has been twisted, Into a unimaginable shape.

The hurt and the pain, Again and again, O please let it end!

And he finally stops, And heads for the door, While I lay there motionless, Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Chris, I am three, Tonight my daddy, Murdered me.

What would possess an adult to hurt any child? You would have to be, One heartless person, Not to be affected, By this Poem.

And because you ARE affected, Do something about it!

So all I ask you to do, Is pass this on!

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy his way to Billings for a livestock show.

And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. “At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, “Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, “That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin.”

9 Points to Ponder Number 9: Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8: Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6: Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his 41

eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2: In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1: Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do or say today might burn your arse tomorrow. And as someone recently said to me: Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

According to doctors, having sex is a great way to help you get a good nights sleep. It certainly works for my wife anyway. She's usually out like a light before I've even finished.

I turned up to my blind date thirty minutes late. I said, "Sorry I'm late, I got stuck in work." "That's okay," she smiled. "Where do you work?" I replied, "In a glue factory."

What has three legs and four arms? My son's shit drawing of a snake.

My girlfriend told me that my dick is two inches bigger than her ex's. And that is why she will never go back into a lesbian relationship.

I was trying to have sex with my massive wife last night, when she looked down at my pathetic semi and sneered.. "Jesus, Brian, doesn't grow very big, does it!?" "Well it won't."

I replied, "There's too much fucking shade."

I picked up this woman Saturday night. I'm not saying she's fat, but when I pulled her knickers down

They both work better with chains on.

It's been revealed that 90% of Black men wear their socks during sex, and a balaclava.

The launch of my new washing detergent didn't go as planned. I only managed to shout 'White Power' for 15 minutes before the police got to her knees, her arse was involved. still in them.

I walked up to this bird My mate asked, "What at the bar and said "You're would be the first thing a ringer for that Demi‌ you would do if you could Demi.." "Demi Moore?" make yourself invisible?" she interrupted. "No I replied, "I would walk not her," I replied "That up to the first Muslim I fat Greek prick Demis see and say, Hello, I'm Roussos".

Mohammed."

It is claimed that a Three reasons why I Scottish lottery winner is should leave my wife: hoping to buy Rangers FC. She's just had black His wife says she has no triplets. idea what he would have Everyone gets upset for bought if he got a fourth the innocent victims but number up. nobody considers how I've just noticed Casualty emotionally fragile suicide is up to series twenty nine bombers are. If you push and to keep it true to life, the wrong button they're some of the patients from in pieces. series one are just being Evolution must have seen. taken a wrong turn at I have a measured IQ of some point in time. One 120 which puts me in the and a half billion Muslims very superior intelligence in the world and only five level. And it only cost me Northern White Rhinos. ÂŁ3.50 plus one standard What do Africans and rate text message to find bikes have in common? out.

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Manchester police were called to an address in Oxfordshire today, after a soft prick reported a person for saying nasty things via the Internet. When the policemen have finally stopped laughing, I'll send them on their way.

If a black man could pick any piece of clothing to survive, what would it be?

Probably someone's pocket.

This horrible feminist has moved in right across the road from me and has taken to walking round nude with her curtains open. She is fucking horrible, no tits, massive gut and a wire wool minge. Anyway her mate turned up who was worse and took her clothes Off. Before you know it they were at it, sucking licking, the lot. I felt sick to my stomach. The worst wank I've ever had.

You have to hand it to the first person who invented cheese. If it wasn't for them I'd have no clue what my dick and feet smelt like!

When I joined the army I was warned that my relationship probably wouldn't last, with the constant travelling my girlfriend probably wouldn't wait for me. One time I was out, I came back and sure enough there was another guy who had moved into my home, my life, my bed. I went ballistic! I mean I wouldn't have minded so much but I had only popped to Asda!

My scummy neighbour reckons he was paid fifteen hundred quid for his appearance on the Jeremy Kyle show.

I think he's lying through his tooth.

"You've been a very naughty girl, and I'm waiting for you to come home!" I texted my wife. She texted back "Do I need to be punished ;)" "Yes severely",

I answered. "Just so you know, I'm not wearing any knickers right now ;)" she replied. "What has that got to do with you finishing all the bourbons you fat cow?"

I'm going to set up my own religion, one where it’s important to respect other peoples beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances. It’s a non-Prophet organisation.

My Korean girlfriend asked if I could get her a little puppy for her birthday.

Suspicious, I asked.. "Hmmm, what are you going to do with it?" "Peas and gravy." She replied.

"Why do you never pay full attention to anything I say?" Asked the wife. "I do," I replied, "I'm just trying to think of something to post on Twitter."

"Something to Tweet?" She asked.

"That would be great!" I replied, "I'll have a bacon sandwich."

I went to replace some windows for a customer today, "Bit of a balls up," I told her, "the new windows won't be here for at least another hour." "Oh, dear!" she replied, "I've got an idea, to speed things up.. Why don't you knock a couple out while you're waiting?" "I'm not sure how that will speed things up," I replied, "but I like your plan."

I handed my sister a coat hanger. When she made it clear that she wasn't pleased, I told her, "Look, you're too young to be a parent, and so am I." I Just got turned away from my local 'baby massage' session. Apparently you have to supply your own baby...

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Saudi King Abdullah will be given a traditional Islamic funeral. His corpse will be strapped to a camel with 60 pounds of RDX and left outside the American Embassy.

Praising King Abdullah for being a reformer is a bit like praising Jimmy Savile for not being quite as bad as Ian Brady.

Is it too soon to say I was abused by Deidre Barlow in the '70's?

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia spent billions on his country's air force. But the only time he got to see Saudi pilots in action was on 9/11.

Luckily Cameron twigged it was a hoax within a few seconds when he realised the caller hadn't called him a prick and slammed the phone down.

A human operated life size polar bear has been prowling the streets of London.

They tried to release one in Cardiff, but the locals mistook it for a giant sheep and started fucking it.

A Doncaster man has appeared in court accused of having sex with a Shetland pony. What a sick deviant. The ponies from Shetland are right mingers.

In response to Boris Johnsons remarks Muslims have asked that he be removed from London on the grounds that he Winston Kimbona a young gifted footballer who was due a trial at Arsenal serves no useful purpose in their City. died of a heart attack during a gruelling Benedict Cumberbatch is sincerely training session today. "If only he had sorry for calling darkies coloured. stuck to mugging and drug dealing, this "Terrorists are wankers who are wouldn't have happened, " sobbed his obsessed with porn", said Boris Johnson. mother.

Guess that makes me a terrorist.

Josie Cunningham. The most hated 'The Sun newspaper' is thinking woman in Britain?. Documentary on of scrapping Page 3. So if you're Channel 4. She's so obnoxious, feminists feeling disappointed here's a pair of tits: have started a petition to allow Ched Evans back into football if he fucks her.

I heard that 15000 CCTV cameras are being installed in Delhi for Obama's visit. This is ridiculous. Just because he's black doesn't mean he'll steal anything.

ISIS has offered to free their remaining Japanese hostage, in return for the release of a female suicide bomber. I don't see why, she's clearly shit at her job.

A hoax call was put through to the prime minister at 10 Downing Street.

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I usually don't side with the tree hugger types but I'm starting to be a little more open minded. I know you are environmentally conscious kind of people, so I thought you would appreciate this.

I Guess She's Married?! Just check out the ring..

On her left hand! You Pervert!

IT'S LIKE WATER BOARDING, BUT MORE HUMANE !!!

IT REALLY WORKS!!!

I CONFESSED AFTER ONLY TWO HOURS!!!