Jester issue 64

Issue 64 May

Wotcha Dear reader.

The sun is out the sky is blue. But that’s South Africa for you. Yes, I am back in the land I grew up in. I got fed up of waiting for my hospital appointment in the UK and decided to have a break.

The NHS is a joke. Over 12 months I have be on the waiting list for an op.

When I phoned them to ask how things were progressing. I was told that they are very short staffed and that all procedures have been put on hold and that they have no idea when that will change. As I say, they are a joke.

Which brings me on to the other jokers. The Politicians. Yes it election time and as usual the same old crap is being spouted by all of them. We will either get a Conservative or Labour Government. With the high possibility of a coalition. Great! So it will be the same shit, just a different day. As far as I’m concerned all the party leaders are a bunch of self serving lying toads.

I quite like Nigel, but that is because he is the only one I think might like “the jester” mag. Who or what leads the UK for the next 5 years, they will do exactly as they want. Forget what they promise now.

Despite the elections, May is my

favourite month of the year. We have the FA cup final (I don’ care who wins it as I don’t like either of the finalists), World Snooker final and the Eurovision song contest, to look forward to. Being in South Africa though, I am not sure whether I will get to see two of the three.

My conscience will not let me delay this any longer. I have an apology to make.

I take back what I said about joggers being pillocks. The other day whilst out driving I got a flat tyre. And due to the over zealous nature of the person who put said tyre on, with a pneumatic drill, my frail little arms, could not budge the wheel nuts. Anyway during my struggles (and swearing), a couple young jogging men, who judging by their behaviour where very much in love, stopped to help me. With the aid of brut strength and Vaseline (I don’t know where that came from), they managed to undo the wheel nuts and change the tyre. So even though they will probably never read this. I thank you. Also, because of their kind actions, there will be no poof jokes in this issue (well maybe one or two)..

Until next time, have a great month.

All the best.

Ed.

The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.

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Dear Editor, I saw this letter in a previous issue of “the jester” magazine: "As a women, I think this magazine is sexist and disgusting and you should all be ashamed of yourselves!" as a woman, I think'. I thought there's no point reading on if she's going to lie straight away.

Jim. Alicante.

Dear Editor, They reckon you can't judge a book by its cover. I can. Anything with a picture of a rose and a glass of wine on it is going to be shit.

Brian. Los Montesinos.

Dear Editor, I know the Asian cultures have brought many benefits to Britain, their impact on food springs to mind. It's just that, now we've got all the recipes.......... So why don’t they fuck off.

Nigel. London.

tell me what happens after the first three minutes of a porn film?

Neil. Los Alcazares.

Yes, the man sorts out her geezer.

Ed. Dear Editor, The way these health cuts are going, the NHS will soon stand for 'you'll Never Have Surgery'.

Tom. Pembroke.

Dear Editor, So here I am in the Internet Cafe with the biggest fucking nigger I've ever seen reading every word I typ

Dear Editor, I opened some Wiskas today, to give my cat his dinner and was stunned to find half a dead mouse in the can. I don't know if I should write a letter of complaint, or thanks.

Dear Editor, Can you or any of your readers

To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Paul: 664 10 60 10 or Graeme: 966 764 403 Please send your letters, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook.

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"It's a bit cruel teaching your parrot to say 'Hello mummy you fat cow'?"

"Not really mate, the parrot's no idea the wife's anorexic".

lost things in seconds.

What a load of shit it is.

Still no sign of Maddie.

then she said she thought that was enough. That was 35 years ago.

I find the best blowjobs are when the wife wakes up. Not knowing she's doing it.

I didn't really know what to do today when some random kid offered me a sweet in the park. So I quickly touched his dick and ran home.

I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed Every morning I watch me a glass full of yellow, a beautiful naked woman lukewarm liquid. "Drink across the street with my it," they said, giggling. It telescope. And one day was only when I smelt it when I man up, I'll demand that I realised the prank she gives it back. the bastards were trying to pull. Fosters.

Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 A black man went to a year old also forgot her shop and bought a pair of birthday. polyester pants, which is I'll never forget the pain I weird because they usually felt of losing my first child. pick cotton.

She slammed my hand in the van door before she ran off.

On my wedding night my new wife took me to bed and gave me 4 blow jobs,

Ladies: The solution to a bad hair day is to wear a low cut blouse.

What does Imam stand for?

I married a minor.

I'm really upset with this florist, it's obvious they know nothing about floors.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.

My wife and I decided on a double suicide pact but when I saw lying dead on the settee I felt better. So didn’t bother. It is what she would have wanted.

I bought one of those things of the internet which claims you can find

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The Penis.

Works well with beer, but much better in cider.

Have you ever seen a one legged race with 100 people in it? Get down the local mosque and put a rasher of bacon in every other sandal.

Fleas can jump up to twenty times their own height. When I tried to put my cock in my wife's arse, I found out she could as well.

Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League.

For me, having sex is a daughter, are you here?" lot like spreading butter "Yes, Papa." "Then who's on toast. It's possible with working in the fucking a credit card, but so much shop?" easier with a knife.

Just watched the stage I was practising telling my I've been overindulging in version of Brokeback dad that I'm gay in front of my favourite foods for a Mountain. Shouting out our parrot. I changed my wee while but now I'm on "he's behind you" didn't mind about telling him a strict diet. It's like being go down as well as it after he cut the parrot's with high-class, attentive usually does in theatre. head off. prostitutes then going I'm not racist. I have 4 back to the wife.

Hell hath no fury like a black tires and a colour woman who just said A Pakistani man on his TV. "Fine, do whatever you death bed. "Sanjita, my want!" in an argument, wife, are you here?" "Yes, I went for an Indian last and you do it. my husband." "My son and night. And if he hadn't run off so fast I would have beaten the shit out of him.

What's the worst thing about being invited to a gay wedding? Knowing you're not going to be able to shag any bridesmaids.

My Wife and I had a massive row when my wife caught me with her vibrator. She should be more careful when she swings it round.

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I said, "Sorry love, can't help you with the shopping, I hurt my wrist masturbating."

There's no pleasing some people.

A member of the Addams family was caught shoplifting in Saudi Arabia. Fortunately, it was only Thing.

I took my wife swimming Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. with the dolphins on her

40th. Although, pushing her overboard on the cruise ship when no one else was watching probably doesn't count.

A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I shoot my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"

They say you'll never forget your first kiss. This was mine. Her name was Sally and she lived next door. My best friend, well for all of that summer. So out playing one day down by the farm, we'd stopped for shelter from a shower of rain in an old barn. I was playfully running my fingers through Sally's hair when she started to kiss me; her mouth slightly open, I could feel her tongue with mine. It was my first real kiss, and I loved it. I fell head over heels in love that day. We often visited the barn during that long, hot summer and it didn’t stop at just kissing, but sadly a couple of months later Sally was involved in a car accident and had to be put down.

Why do lesbians use dildos? I mean, haven't they made their choice?

My new wife insisted that we always be honest with each-other so, when she came back from the supermarket,

I was over the moon when I caught my son who I suspected was gay reading a porn magazine. "Look at these dad" he said pointing, "they're amazing." "Thank god" I laughed. "Yes, that's a very nice pair of tits." "Breasts?" He replied.

"I was on about those stunning heels."

So now smartphones can detect stress and temperature to automatically ad emoticons to text messages. So when you wife texts you to say she's have a bad period it automatically adds 'PMSL' to your reply.

My girlfriends got a ladder in her tights. She truly is the most talented shoplifter ever.

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single day. One day, while conscious, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes filling with tears. "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times: When I got fired, you comforted me. When my business failed, you supported us both. When I got shot, you nursed me back to health. When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby rented flat.

Now my health has started failing and you are still right by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, why don't you just fuck off."

If there's one thing you will not see at a masturbation addiction meeting, it's people shaking hands.

I don't know why Channel 4 had to make an undercover programme about how to get access to a senior politician.

A seven-year-old boy could do it.

Once you hate someone enough, everything they do offends you. For instance, look at my wife sitting there, breathing like she owns the fucking place.

Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse.

I called to take my Muslim neighbour's daughter out. He told me to have her back by 12. "Excellent," I thought, "That gives me 4 years."

I was in the bookies today trying to decide which horse to pick when I thought to myself, "This pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths."

Two football stewards and a policeman approached me in the stand. "We've had reports of racist abuse from this section of the ground, Sir" said one of them.

"Have you heard anything?" "Of course not," I replied, looking around. "I can't understand a word these black twats are singing."

Feminists calling for a female Doctor Who have clearly misunderstood the point. He's a doctor, not a nurse!

According to the job interviewer, being able to put 361 grapes in your mouth at once isn't a valuable skill.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every

After being away for two weeks on a business trip I came back home to find my wife's decaying carcass slumped on the floor being gnawed by rats. On the plus side, she didn't complain of a headache that night.

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Well, Allah, now you know what 9/11 felt like.

younger, but this year the look of childlike excitement returned to my West Midlands Police confirm that after face after I received two treats. the collapse of a Mosque in Birmingham Namely, the mosque in Birmingham the only fatality was a police sniffer dog being destroyed, and the Imam being executed in London. which had to be humanely destroyed.

At work we were asked to contribute The Muslims will be pissed off when they see the new plans to build a church building materials for the collapsed mosque in Birmingham. So far, we have in the place where the Mosque once had a lego set, some meccano pieces, was. lots of playdough, and some bacon for A Theologian acting on behalf of the canteen. the Insurers has now confirmed the Dear Mr Cameron, collapse of a converted corner shop After 4 years of the Smoking in Sparkbrook, Birmingham really was Ban, Ten thousand Pubs have an act of god. disappeared... Just imagine what I'm really shocked after hearing about could disappear if you banned the collapsing mosque in Birmingham.

"Halal Meat"! .... Give it some Not even a single Muslim is dead. thought please!!!

The building company who built the Mosque which collapsed in Birmingham have been inundated with calls from the British public this morning. Offering thanks and wishing them well in future Mosque building projects.

What's the one material that a mosque would never be made of? Soapstone.

I'm just devastated about the mosque that collapsed in Birmingham. None of the fuckers was inside at the time.

In the news today, a mosque in Birmingham has collapsed. The police have their suspicions and are looking to find a bearded man who allegedly rose from the dead over the weekend.

I've been listening to Pharrell Williams today. Because I'm happy. Clap along if you feel like a mosque without a roof.

Being an adult, I don't really enjoy Easter as much as I did when I was 8

be a feminist. They don't think like a man, don't act like a lady, don't look like a young girl and smell like a horse.

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League.

My Nan has found a lump I've been so lonely and only trip away, do you in each of her breasts. sad recently that I have ever think about me?”

Turns out it was just her taken out PPI insurance Apparently “Only to stop knees. just so that people will myself coming too quickly” I'll never forget my Dads ring me. (You lot in Spain, wasn’t the right answer. last words. "If you are Gay probably don’t get this Got this text from my I'll never speak to you joke). brother recently. It read. again."

"I ran a half marathon" “Can I stay at your house What's the difference sounds so much better for a while? My missus between an embalmer and than: "I quit halfway kicked me out after she through a marathon". caught me measuring my my ex-wife? An embalmer would wait until I'm dead dick. It just reaches the I went on a date this before bleeding me dry. back of her sister’s evening. I said, "So, are Lord, if you want me to you a vampire?" "No," she throat!” said, with a puzzled look It's hard to be a woman. be a lollipop lady, give me a sign. on her face. I said, "So you They have to think like a can see your reflection man, act like a lady, look It's only called racism and you still come out like a young girl and work when you're feelings looking like that?" like a horse. It's easy to are hurt.

My wife just came in to me and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going, ‘cos when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys 9

It's been two weeks since I propped up a scarecrow in the corner of our bedroom. And the wife's still not noticed the mirror's missing.

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Alicante. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered.

"Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Elche", he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Women find it 'disgusting' that a man can look at a woman, evaluate multiple diverse factors to arrive at one number to rate her a on a scale of zero to ten.

How is that any better than the fact that a woman can look at a man and evaluate him in his entirety on one number? His

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Every Wednesday and Friday

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Saturday 2pm

Quiz

Sunday 9pm We now hold a Bookmakers Licence All sports betting legally available here! annual salary.

The police arrested me on suspicion of being part of the Hatton Garden, London ÂŁ200m jewellery theft. All because I boasted in the pub, that I love giving my wife a pearl necklace every night.

Following the latest shooting in South Carolina, protesters have come onto the streets claiming 'Black lives matter". And that's exactly right, white people need something to shoot at...

I just broke up with this cross-eyed woman. I thought she was seeing someone else.

I don't think I'm very popular at work.

I got one of those "You're leaving" cards on my first day.

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I'm trying tactfully to tell my spanish girlfriend she needs to shave her armpits. I told her it looked like she had Jeremy UPVC WINDOWS DOORS Clarskon in headlock. & CONSERVATORIES ALL TYPES OF BUILDING WORKS I had been seeing this girl for UNDERTAKEN a while and she asked how CENTRO COMERCIAL LOS DOLSES, 104 many sexual partners I'd had.

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ALICANTE, SPAIN. "Only four." "Four?" she TEL: (0034) 966 764 730 - FAX: (0034) 966 764 158 replied. "That's not unlucky."

Email: enquiries@candgfabrications.com "It is when they were Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter and Fred The airhostess went bright red when she noticed my huge erection bulging Talbot," I answered. thru my tracky pants. I said its ok babe Apparently, black students in South it's in a upright position for landing..

Africa have pelted Cecil John Rhodes's The fortune teller looked into her statue with their own faeces recently because back in 1896, he called Africans crystal ball and said, "You're going to turn into a woman with a massive 'Sub human'. Yeah, that'll teach the forehead." "That's your fucking reflection bastard just how wrong he was. you idiot." I replied.

"I can see you in the middle of a huge storm, a log cabin and fir trees are I love my job as a Bradford lollypop standing behind you," said the old gypsy man. Watching from the bushes as woman, staring into her crystal ball.

Muslim kids dodge traffic is fucking funny.

"I think that's actually a snow globe We went to a Thunderbird's themed you've picked up there," I told her. fancy dress party, I went the whole hog, So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp had the hair dyed, and got a costume to and just put the intended address as the look like Virgil. My wife just put a green return address, won't it be sent there coat on and went as Thunderbird two. anyway?

The Large Hadron Collider has been "I wish I had a relationship with my switched back on. This time, they will wife like you have with your wife at be doing an experiment which has never the moment", I said to my mate. "Are been done before and the results are you fucking kidding me?" he replied. being awaited worldwide. Colliding a Maybe I should have waited until after Muslim and a soap. her funeral, to say that.

I just watched the new Asian Channel To feminists who claim that internet 4 series - 'One Born Every 2 Seconds'. pornography is going to ruin the sex lives of our next generation: I didn't give up I recently suggested to my wife that playing football just because Lionel Messi she try masturbating with fruit. She was better than me. went fucking bananas.

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the Blue WKDs went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals twelve cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in.

I told him 'MIDNIGHT'. He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.'

Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

A mother's sacrifice is not having a child. It's 9 months with no wine.

The speed in which a woman says "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.

I suppose, with me being 86, it's to be expected that my 24 year old wife should rely on stimulating mechanical 12

devices to keep her interested in sex.

Namely, the Mercedes Maybach S-class I just bought her.

Fellas, if your bride reveals shaved pubes on your wedding night, it means she's a little kinky and will make the effort to keep your sex life interesting throughout your marriage. Ladies, if your husband reveals shaved pubes on your wedding night, it means he got crabs from a hooker on his stag night.

A marriage guidance councillor asked me and the wife to describe our sex life with a film title, I said sarcastically, "Enter the dragon," She said. "Gone in sixty seconds,"

My wife kept moaning that her shoe was empty.

I told her to put a sock in it.

A man's face is his autobiography.

A woman's face is her work of fiction.

My Wife came out of the kitchen,, "Just been getting the ice out of my drawers, "she said, "See," I replied, "I told you you're fucking frigid."

A man walks into the Election office and says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate. The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.'' He was filling the form until he came to the question, ''Are you circumcised?''

So he asked the receptionist, "Is that question necessary?" She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible".

He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?

She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick".

You know what they say, once you go black‌ You're a single mother.

Essex girls don't get raped. They get pleasantly surprised.

My wife is trying to talk to me about common sense.

I wish she would just wait a minute, I can't hear her properly over the blender I'm trying to stop with my tongue.

Just as we were heading to bed my girlfriend asked "Did you put the wheelie bin out?"

"Ah, no, I'll do it in the morning" I replied. "What about the cat?" she said. "Well, I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it" I answered.

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The Police say they're going to investigate their own lack of response to the report of an alarm being triggered at the safety deposit box centre in Hatton Garden. If they can be arsed.

Got thrown out of my university lecture earlier.

Apparently referring to your West Indian maths tutor as 'Black Adder' is considered racist.

Taking some antibiotics GIVE MY FLIPFLOPS BACK YOU THIEVING BITCH! that amongst others have a side effect that includes I was chatting with a girl online. "committing suicide" The advice if this "Tell me something interesting about happens? "Immediately stop taking the yourself??" I typed. "I'm Lebanese" medication". came the reply.. I'm wasting my time, I thought. She's dyslexic and prefers girls. I'm not surprised it got robbed, what a stupid place to have a safe deposit box.

I went to the doctor's clinic today.

"What's the matter?" He asked. "A wasp In Ricky Hatton's garden. stung me while I was taking a walk, and now I have developed a huge lump," I said. "Where is it then?" He asked again.

"I don't know exactly," I replied, "It's probably stinging some other bloke."

I was unbelievably excited when I took delivery of our 62inch, 3D Smart TV, and as I hugged and drooled over it on its stand, the wife let out a derisory huff.. "Look at the state of you, you're pathetic." She snarled. "Fawning over a TV, why can't you manage that sort of affection for me?" "Because I can get my fucking arms around the telly." I replied.

My wife used her tits to get out of a speeding ticket today. The copper laughed so much when she tripped over them he let her off.

I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World. So I took them to Billingsgate Fish Market, saying, "Shhhhh ... they're all asleep."

"It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye!" I think my paintball company needs a new slogan.

BBC News: Dogs Trained to Detect Prostate Cancer. I just hope they trim their claws before they stick their paw up my arse.

I said to my mate, Your sisters pretty fit, but why is she known as the common denominator?" "Oh, that, " he said, "it's because everything goes into her.�

What goes "whee whee whee plop?"

A 7 year old skiing off a cliff.

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My wife thinks I look like a philosopher at the beach; staring off into the distance contemplating life. What I've actually done is spotted some tits.

My wife often tells me I'm far too easily manipulated...

"You'll accept a hand job from just about anybody, won't you?" She said.

“My wife believes she is a better driver.

I let our dog decide.”

What's the difference between my wife and Inland Revenue? Inland Revenue wants to talk to me.

Lawyer "You said the plaintive was shot in the woods?" Doctor "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

I've started cycling to work every day in a bid to get fit, but people say it makes me look gay. So, to macho up my image a little bit, I've drawn some racing stripes on my basket.

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that, knowing my luck, I’d win one!”

Cricket is more popular than football in India. Because it's not easy to rape someone then beat them to death with a football.

I stormed into Tesco earlier and shouted to the manager, "These fucking spring onions are horrible!.. I want a refund." "Err.. these are daffodils, sir." he replied.

I found my daughter's on/off boyfriend in her bedroom earlier. Well, it was more on/off/3 speed settings and a clit stimulation attachment.

What's the difference between a checkout girl and my wife? A checkout girl doesn't yell at me while I pack my bags and leave.

My dog was seriously ill after eating half a chocolate earlier. Mind you, it'll be a warning to the other robbing black bastards not to come near my house in future.

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The Hatton Garden jewel thieves opened 70 boxes over the weekend grabbing diamonds worth millions of pounds. They would have got away with more but after every third box Noel Edmonds interrupted them with a phone call from a banker.

"How would you describe yourself?"

Asked the interviewer. "Usually with words" I said, "but I've also been working on an interpretive dance if you'd prefer."

This rather overweight unattractive girl came into my surgery, "I'm desperate, "she said, "please can you remove my two front teeth." So I examined her and said, "I'm sorry, I can find nothing wrong with your teeth, why do you want them

removed?" "It's next week, "she replied, "I'm on the Jeremy Kyle show and I wanted to look my best."

I got talking to a girl in a bar last night.

I said, "If you saw what I had in my trousers you'd be shocked." "Oh really?" she smiled, "Prove it then!" So I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out a dead badger.

Patient: "Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!" Doctor: "That's the least of your problems... You have AIDS." Report: Men who took advantage of cheap holidays to Benidorm in the 1970s are now dying of melanoma. Unlike my Dad who took a beach holiday to Blackpool in the 1970s, and died of hypothermia.

BBC Sport: "Williamson scores after five day wait". Why is this news?

I haven't had a shag for 18 months, where's my headline?

The birth control pill is over-rated, in fact it's only the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy‌ My wife's doctor told us today that she is very prone to having a stroke, and if it happens she could be dead in the time it takes to boil a kettle. Why the fuck would I want to boil the kettle at a time like that? I would be searching for the cork screw.

My Muslim neighbour asked if he could borrow my backpack. "For fuck's sake get it right this time Ahmed," I said.

"You brought it back last time."

9 out of 10 fingers agree. My girlfriend's pussy is loose.

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you tell?" "Because the sign on my door says No Pakis."

If you're a quadriplegic and you hate people who don't know what it means, put your hands up.

I saw an advert last night that said, "7/10 people prefer Export to Stella."

I thought, "Well, I'd prefer crabs to syphilis but given the choice I'd just as soon have neither.

I'm not saying the women who go into my local are rough‌ But there's a paper bag machine in the gents.

A Muslim walked into my Adult Learning Centre this morning. "Hello there." I said to him. "You need help with your reading, don't you?" "Yes, yes I do." He said. "How could

I have just read that one of the favourite phrases of jihadists is: "We love death more than you love life" Put your money where your mouth is then, fellas, and kill yourselves.

After a few beers with my Nepalese army mates, we all go pissed to the There has been a lot of chippy. You can't beat pickled Gurkhas. uproar about the shooting of the Black American I don't know why it Walter Scott. To be fair took the Germans to the police, he did run so long to find Anne across the grass.

Frank in Amsterdam.

I was just there, and I see that Paul Lambert's there's fucking signs been talking about his sacking by Aston Villa. for her house He says that, given the everywhere! opportunity, most of his My wife's arse is so players would have shot big that she's taller when him in the back. On the she sits down. plus side, Paul, they'd have probably missed.

Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that I've just brushed my teeth got stuck in a trap? She and I can see the face of chewed off three legs and Jesus in the sink. It's a was still stuck. spitting image.

My wife's doing everything How the fuck am I meant for the dog since he got back from the vet. I think to stay with the same girl he needs to learn to stand for the rest of my life when I can't even wank on his own two feet. over the same porn twice.

A crowd of youths were gathered round the shop I recently met up with an when I heard, "Oi, get us old girlfriend of mine and twenty fags and a bottle of we immediately started having sex. The police got cider will ya? I'll get my mum to suck your cock if annoyed however, they you do." So I got him the only wanted me to identify fags and cider, but I swear, the body. someday I'll batter that kid Starfish! of mine.

Are shit at directions.

17

she caught me with my dick in her eye shadow.

What can I say, make-up sex is the best.

Give a man a fish...and if no one's looking, he'll probably try and stick his dick in its mouth.

I threw a petrol bomb at my Jewish neighbour's house. unfortunately he managed to catch it, put it My next door neighbour Hubby has 'I love you' was the victim of a gay tattooed on his penis, and out and two minutes later it was in the tank of his hate crime last night, had goes home to show his his face beaten to a pulp. wife, she says 'There you car.

Poor cunt's going to have go again, trying to put My girlfriend and I have to suck dick through a words in my mouth'. our anniversary next straw for the next six week. I bought a box of Last Friday was siblings months. chocolates, a bouquet of day, a day to appreciate "Honestly your Honour, your brothers and sisters. roses, and a dildo. Then I I didn't know how old she Well I've appreciated my thought, "maybe I should buy her something too." was" I pleaded, "All that sister 18 times now and black makeup round her she fucking loves it. *For Sale ÂŁ30* eyes made it hard to tell."

I went to see the doctor Virgin. 2 Years Old. "That's still not the point Great Looking. Never about my wife's snoring.

Mr Smith" he replied, You Really Been Touched.

"Have you tried ear still fucked a panda."

How gutted was I when plugs?" he suggested.

To get my seriously I realised this was a Fucking legend. They disabled son admitted mobile phone? worked. She choked into a care home, a to death.

Two flies are sat on a questionnaire had to I'm thinking of becoming fresh dog turd One breaks be filled out to assess wind loudly and the other a full time eco-warrior. his suitability. Passed, no one turns to him and says problem, he licked all the I've already set fire to a "Do you mind, I'm eating tree and kicked the shit boxes. my fucking dinner!!" out of a rabbit.

It's all fun and games, Holy books.

I can sum myself up in sure, but one of these three words. Kind, funny, Christians: The Bible. days a mime artist will smart and good at math.

Muslims: The Qur'an. actually lock themselves Americans: in their greenhouse and My sister went mental at The menu. nobody will help them. me the other day when 18

I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one £5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment! The third one takes the £5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original £5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat. I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night.

Just to put Uri Geller's amazing talents into perspective. Michael Jackson wasn't bent before he met him.

I went for a job interview yesterday.

The interviewer said, "According to your CV, you like to point out stupid mistakes of others." "Yes, that's correct,"

WHAT’S ON IN MAY The place of Variety May 2nd - Bella Luna May 6th - Magic of Musicals with Stevie Spit and Nikki G May 27th - Hypnotist ALSO THIS MONTH Rod Stewart Tribute.

I replied. "Why would you write something like that on your CV?" He asked. "I typed that," I answered.

The first time I realised I was ugly was at my sixth birthday party, when Jimmy Savile said we could only be friends.

Study: Women who sleep longer have more sex. My wife's going to be insatiable when she wakes from her coma.

If the police weren't meant to shoot African-Americans then why are all the body targets hanging in their firing range coloured-in black?

I look at a room full of naked, horny women the same way I look at a table stacked with pizza. 10 seconds of thinking "This is going to be the best night of my life", followed by the realisation of "I have very little sausage and that’s far too much for me to eat".

19

did you get that watch?" "I walked in on my Mum & Dad having sex." explained Billy "My Dad shouted at me, then later came to apologise and bought me this new watch to say sorry". That night Johnny had a plan, he'd stay awake until he heard his Mum & Dad getting down to it and then burst in on them and maybe get a watch for himself.

Everything went to plan and as he burst in shouting, "I wanna watch!"

"Go get yourself a chair and be quiet then." replied his Dad. I was laying in bed looking through the window thinking it was another Eclipse.

Then I realised it was just the wife's fat arse walking past.

I picked up a Jewish girl in a club the other night. When we got outside and she saw my Volkswagen she went off on one, saying "How can you drive a German car? They're evil people and can never be forgiven for what they did."

I tried to reason with her and pointed out that the Holocaust happened over 50 years ago and nearly all the Germans responsible for the atrocities are now dead. I also pointed out that despite the current people of Germany not having anything to do with what happened all those years ago, they feel that it was a dark era in their past and are still ashamed of that whole period of their history. She replied, "It doesn't matter how long ago it was, they are all still responsible". I said “really?� punched her in the mouth and said, "That's for Judas Iscariot, bitch!"

I think sex is so overrated and it wouldn't bother me if I never had sex ever again. I mean, I just don't understand what all the fuss is about where sex is concerned. Said my wife.

My wife suggested we put the mystery back into our love life. "Okay," I said.

"Guess who I'd rather shag than you."

It's funny how far an Ethiopian can run with a 32 inch plasma TV under his arm.

But when they have to walk 10 miles to find food and water, all they do is fucking moan, moan and whinge.

If I worked for Samaritans, I'd advise anyone contemplating suicide to go for a shit. I always feel better after a shit.

I went to a barn dance last night and wanted to screw anything that moved.

Then I thought, 'forget you're a joiner and just enjoy the night.'

I was running my son's bath earlier when I shouted down to my girlfriend, "I think this water's too hot for him!"

She said, "Well, put an arm in and see."

One day Little Billy is at school showing "Yeah, I was right," I replied. "His skin's off his new Spiderman watch. When gone all red and the little fucker's Little Johnny spots it he asks, "How crying."

20

Jackie and Andy were at home watching TV. Andy had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the 1st - 9pm Northern Soul Music Night porn channel. Jackie became more 8th & 22nd - 9pm Music Video Quiz and more annoyed and finally said, Night Win Free Shots.

"For God's sake, Andy... leave it on 14th - 8:30pm Fun Race Night & the porn channel... you know how Hog Roast. to fish!"

15th - 9pm Live Music - Mod/Ska Night With Vocalist Johnny Fox Welcome to the BBC. Rape all 29th - 9pm Northern Soul Music Night the children you like, just don't & Hog Roast punch a producer.

Sunday Lunch´s 2pm - 5pm "Your driving was erratic, sir." said the cop. I said, "My daughter was distracting me". "Er.. There's nobody in the car" he replied, examining my vehicle. I know," I said, showing him my phone, said, "I don't know what to do. Which "She's here." side of the street do I need to park on On a bitterly cold winter morning so the snow ploughs can get through?" a husband and wife in Dublin were Then with the love and understanding in listening to the radio during breakfast. his voice that all men who are married They heard the announcer say, “We are to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow "Why don't you just leave the bloody car today. You must park your car on the in the garage this time." even-numbered side of the street, so the I didn't see it coming either! Ed. Snow ploughs can get through.” So the good wife went out and moved her car. A Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time.

A week later while they are eating The proud Dad says' I'll buy you a bike breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches to celebrate, but you will have to wait of snow today. You must park your car until next pay day” The boy replies on the odd-numbered side of the street, 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway' so the snow ploughs can get through.”

The good wife went out and moved What is the medical term for the fatty her car again. The next week they are tissue surrounding the clitoris? The wife. again having breakfast, when the radio There is a definite link between volume announcer says, "We are expecting 12 and width. The wider the woman, the to 14 inches of snow today. You must louder she is. park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, Fast and Furious sounds like my first and with a worried look on her face she sexual experience.

21

ADDICTIVE AERIALS ALL MY LIFE BABY BLURRY

BY THE WAY COMPLICATED DAYS GO BY DILEMMA DISEASE

ESCAPE EVERYDAY FOOLISH FOR YOU FULL MOON GIRL TALK GIRLFRIEND HALFCRAZY HANDS CLEAN HAPPY

HEAVEN HELLA GOOD HERE I AM HERO HEY MA IN MY PLACE

NOTHIN' OH BOY RAINY DAYZ SPIN STILL FLY THE MIDDLE LOSE YOURSELF TOXICITY MOTIVATION UH HUH MY LIST WITHOUT ME MY SACRIFICE WORK IT

Find and circle all of the songs from 2002 that are hidden in the grid. The remaining 21 letters spell an additional song title from 2002. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck.

22

My girlfriend has left me a note: "I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted." Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic. And I can't help it if I have big toes.

My wife walked in on me naked with the dog. "We're just checking each other for prostate cancer" I said. "You should have used your finger, it'd reach further" she replied.

Alcohol free beer is a lot like going down on a woman. It's pointless, does nothing for me personally and leaves a fucking foul taste in my mouth.

BBC News - Replica French warship recreates historic voyage. Unfortunately they couldn't decide whether to let the British sink it or just hand it over to the Germans.

Since we started employing Muslims at The Palmolive Soap factory we have completely eliminated our problem with staff pinching stock.

WANTED...

Illegal immigrant to act as a mud flap for a 1978 Ford Cortina. Must be flexible and willing to travel.

I managed to escape from a police car with my hands handcuffed behind my back, but I was unfortunately caught two miles into a woodland because I had itchy bollocks. Now I'm also being charged for tea-bagging a hedgehog.

There are three methods to catch a tiger.

Newton method: Chase a tiger and as it gets tired, catch it.

Einstin method: Allow the tiger to chase you. As it comes near you, catch it.

Police method: Catch a cat and Beat it until it accepts it is a tiger.

23

to vote labour who will put black and ethnic minority family’s first.

Nothing new there Diane, Rochdale, Bradford and Burnley have been doing that for donkeys years.

The BBC have denied that the audience at Wednesdays political debate was left wing biased 'a spokesman said It was 48% to the left and 52% nonces, peodiphile dj's and pervert 70s pop stars.

I was in a pub earlier and shocked to see Nigel Farage berating this poor woman, shouting, "Why don't you fuck off back to your own country you immigrant scum!" I'd never speak to my wife like that in public.

Three mice are sat in a pub having a few pints and they're discussing which one is the hardest. The first mouse says, "I'm the hardest. I go up to mousetraps, rip out the cheese and, as the bar comes down, I bench press it 30 times and throw it across the floor." The second mouse replies, "You nonce! I get the rat poison, crush it into powder and snort it!" The third mouse shrugs his shoulders, downs his pint and walks to the door. "Where you going?" ask the other two. "I'm off home to fuck the cat!"

So Labour are going to put minority voters first? Brilliant, it's about time us whites got a look in.

Iain Duncan Smith says 'Zero Hour Contracts' need renaming. So he's calling it Jobseekers Allowance.

A UK Labour government will put ethnic and black families' welfare first.

Welcome to your second term, Dave.

One finger up = Up yours Two fingers up = Fuck off Six fingers up = Welcome to Norwich.

Diane Abbott MP has urged voters 24

25

26

A guy in a roadhouse restaurant about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys came in for some dinner notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him safely home.

First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door. His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife asks, “Where's his wheelchair?"

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the side of the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde.

"But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

After a visit to the "Pleasure Parlour", a man notices green lumps on his willy, so, off he goes to the doctor's. "That's serious" says the doctor. "You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" says the man, nodding seriously.

"Well" says the doctor, "You've got brothel sprouts."

27

HAVE YOUGOT SEX INSURANCE? YOU CAN NOW GETINSURANCE FOR SEX IN THE UK. SO MAKE SURE YOU GET THE CORRECT, INSURANCEFOR THE SEX YOU ARE HAVING. PLEASE FIND A LIST OFCOMPANIES BELOW CATERING FOR MOST TASTES:SEX WITH YOUR WIFE - LEGAL & GENERAL. SEX ON THE TELEPHONE - DIRECT LINE SEX WITH YOUR PARTNER STANDARD LIFE SEX WITH SOMEONE DIFFERENT GO COMPARE SEXWITH A LADY OF GENEROUS PROPORTIONS - MORE THAN SEX ON THE BACKSEAT OF A CAR SHEILA'S WHEELS SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE COMMERCIAL UNION SEX WITH YOUR MAID - EMPLOYER'S LIABILITY SEX WITH AN OAP - SAGA SEX RESULTING IN PREGNANCY GENERALACCIDENT AND FINALLY SEX WITH A TRANSVESTITE CONFUSED COM I went to a feminist picnic the other day. It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.

feel like to be a woman with a new boyfriend. Promised everything, then fucked left, right, and center, and finally abandoned while you hope the next bloke will be a little better.

Study: Human waste contains gold and other valuable minerals. I can't wait until a cashier asks, "How would you like to pay for that?"

The Green Party has just come up with a new policy on carbon neutrality.

If millions of pensioners wear two jumpers in their freezing homes, it will be offset by their leader jetting in from Australia.

"You know you said we should be honest with each-other in our marriage and not afraid of criticism?" I asked.

"Well... it's just that I don't like that dress..it doesn't do anything for you and it makes you look a bit...frumpy."

"Oh, Phil," she sobbed. "How can you be so cruel? And at this point in our relationship?" "I know, I know," I said.

"I apologise. Sorry vicar...I meant...I Do." After years of being single, the man with the world's largest penis, Jonah Falcon, who starred in his own Ch4 documentary has finally got married.

And in a strange twist of coincidence, the 13 1/2inch long dick owner's new bride is now a Guinness record holder in her own right. World's wateriest eyes.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same There is a belief that Earth is a prison night. planet where aliens dumped their dregs My girlfriend just yelled, "You only use of society millions of years ago. Well, me for sex!" "And blowjobs," I corrected that would explain the Muslims then. her.

Unemployed is my middle name.

At election time I know what it must

My Dad is useless at filling in forms.

28

I'm worried that I've got testicular cancer.

My nan's not well and I think my delay in responding could be the death of her. She was having a stroke and I remembered that I needed to act FAST. F = face. Her left side was drooping.

A = arms. She couldn't Warning to all men: dad was. Every time a raise her left arm. women are using date balloon burst the smoke S = speech. Her speech rape drugs called blowjobs alarm went off. was slurred. to lure men into scams There are calls for the T = I forgot this one, so I called relationships.

Muslims who threw 12 made some toast.

Guns don't kill people, Christians into the sea to My grandson knew I was Blacks with guns kill be shipped back to Libya. at Auschwitz and asked people. Also Blacks with I am calling for them to be me why I never went back. knives‌ You know what, shipped half-way back.

"Too many emotions, "I it's Blacks. Blacks kill replied. "The place would I don't get all the fuss people. be full of Jews and I would about those Muslims My wife said she'd like just want to gas them praying at Anfield. I've another baby...I agreed, often wanted to bang my again." the one we have is fucking head on the floor after I walked in on my annoying! watching Liverpool play daughter masturbating as well.

The wife suggested we this morning. She's still 'swap roles' in bed tonight, My mate suffers from too young to understand but I'm not keen. I don't what I was doing, though. that disease which gives think I could fuck without him orgasm whenever he If there's one thing I'll take moving. sees money. Judaism. from that Kleptomania I was invited to attend a I was in a Welsh court for therapy session, it's my lesbian rally. Two hours allegedly fucking a sheep. chair. of shit driving? No thanks. The Judge believed me Opinions are like dicks, "Now that doesn't look when I said I was pissing only men should have like a foot" Thought the in a hedge and it backed them. sock. onto me.

Ever since I've downloadIt wasn't until my 13th I was reading that dogs ed Adblock, all the single birthday that I realised can successfully sniff out girls in my area seem to what a heavy smoker my cancer in humans. Now have lost interest...

29

The worst part of this bloke catching me masturbating to a Hello magazine…

Is having to look him in the eye for the next half an hour while he gives me a filling.

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

wife said I still had to do the Vacuuming clean the dishes, tidy my clothes from the bedroom floor, mow the lawn, fix the broken fence panel, empty the bins, change the bathroom lightbulb, pay the gas bill, walk the dog and collect the kids from football practice before going round her mother's house for dinner.

SYNOPSIS OF AMERICAN MOVIES : 1. Chinese have nothing better to do Sweden is said to be in despair after than teach or practice Kung Fu. a third mosque was burned down in 2. More than 50% of U.S. population a fortnight. "It's just not right, " said are FBI/CIA agents, working undercover.

Norgen Cloppenberg, "we expected 3. The purpose of school system of U.S. far quicker progress than this.“ is to promote basketball.

I get so fed up of the newspapers calling 4. Aliens have special interest in only people 'racist' for attacks on Muslims. attacking the U.S. Islam isn't a race. It's a mental illness.

5. U.S. is a place where you can meet all Nothing embarrasses a psychic more mythical creatures like were wolves and than throwing them a surprise party. vampires.

Want to be Invisible to other people?

Just stand in the doorway of a shop holding a charity tin.

For sale: Child's ski helmet, worn once, slight crack.

Two drunks were walking down Piccadilly circus. The first drunk stumbled down into the underground and the second kept walking along the top. When they met at the other end the second drunk asked "where have you been?" To which first drunk replied "I’ve just been down some fella's cellar, he's got the biggest train set you've ever seen.

Apparently, if you play Justin Bieber's "As Long As You Love Me" backwards...

Satan appears and asks why you have so much fucking time on your hands.

There was an interesting article in the news today about suicide being the biggest killer of men under 50 in the UK. I would have read it in full but my 30

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day… The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898. The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.' Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland..

Homeless man sentenced to 30 months in prison for 'sickening attack' on 92-year -old victim. Now he gets a roof over his head and fed. Hardly a punishment??

now I just give them a right old gob full. I want absolutely nothing to do with you lot or what you have to offer, cant you see that I have a caravan on my drive, why the hell would I want to buy a tent?

Now fuck off.

Lord Greville Janner was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease in 2009. He last visited the House of Lords in December 2014. So he's unfit to stand trial in a court of law but perfectly ok to pass laws for a court he's unfit to appear in.

British justice, you can't beat it!

Standing in front of the mirror my wife said, "I'm not fat, you wouldn't call me fat, would you?" I said, "Of course not, darling. Fucking delusional, but never fat."

I came across a blind man today, and I had one of those awkward moments about deciding whether I'm meant to help him or not. In the end I stayed quiet and let him finish his dump in the lift.

My wife said she was bored with washing and cleaning and ironing and that she wanted to do something stimulating and dangerous; something that would make her hair stand on end.

So I frayed the cord on her steam iron.

I just get so mad at all those bloody Brendan Rodgers should launch his canvassers who keep coming around own range of Viagra as he can never get my house all the time and disturbing me, past a semi 31

Another Reason to look forward to retirement!

Today, the wife of a friend of mine said to him, "get off your arse and fix that gutter downpipe! and I want it done before the end of the day! Well, as you all know, my friend, most our age are retired and do have the time to address such demands from the wife. So, he invited some of us neighbourhood retired mates over to help with the project. One was a sheet metal fabricator and brought his welder, one brought cans of lager, another brought calor gas grill and beef burgers. Took us about 4-6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but they got it done just as they finished off the last of the burgers. As usual, the wife is still not happy! I can't understand, why all you fella's love what you've made! Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain again.

My daughter introduced me to her black boyfriend today. "Alright Jamal," I said. "Do you have a criminal record?"

"No, sir," he said. "Do you steal?" I asked. "No, sir." "Do you know your father?" "Yes, he lives at Kent down the road." My daughter screamed. "You're embarrassing me!" "I know!" I replied, "Embarrassing his whole race, too!"

There was a drunk at a party and he went up to the hostess and said....

Excuse me, do lemons have feathers?

She said I beg your pardon? I said do lemons have feathers? She said I don’t think so, why? Well in that case I've just squeezed your canary into my drink.

Daily Mail online: Up to four hundred migrants fleeing Libya feared drowned in Mediterranean. Coastguards suspect their shed door may have sprung a leak.

Growing up, our mum always gave us two choices at each meal. Take it or leave it.

How many political leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to promise to change it if voted back in.

One to blame the need to change on the previous government, despite not changing it in 5 years.

One to say they would change it if they had more power in this coalition.

One to say it's dark because immigrants failed to change it.

One to say they're not changing an English bulb.

One to refuse to change it because the spare bulb isn't eco-friendly.

One to wonder what this indoor sun thing is.

It's all doom and groom at the BBC. 32

I went to an 'Inter-Religion Integration Seminar'. The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said: By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today! I smiled and told him I was not paralysed. The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said: by the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!"

I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me. The Mullah came, took my hands and said: Insha Allah, you will walk today! I snapped at him: There is nothing wrong with me. The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said: By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!

I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me. After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

"As a rather obese individual, I have to admit that I haven't seen my own penis for quite some time!" I said jokingly to my Thai blind date. "Coincidently, neither have I," she replied.

As me and my friend walked into the house, we found my girlfriend crying her eyes out after she trashed the place. "Look at the state of this," I said, "this is embarrassing, I'm sorry you had to witness this." "It's ok," he said, "I understand the mess." "I didn't mean the house mate," I said, "I meant her, get up the stairs and put some make up on."

Lots of tears in our house today, my 12 year old son has been dumped by his Megan Fox look-a-like girlfriend. "Stop this crying now" my son said to me.

I've noticed that on planes, the 'Toilet Engaged' lights always go on when the plane is landing. Hardly surprising, that's the scariest part of the flight.

BBC News: "Being obese can cut your risk of dementia" Let's rephrase that to "Fat fuckers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept".

The tutor on my Equalities course asked, "What do you think are the qualities of a successful woman?" "Well, a fanny and tits works for me," I replied.

33

Proof That The World Is Nuts!

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies Butterflies taste with their feet. to undertakers. The sex organs of the An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. deceased must be covered with a brick Starfish don't have brains. or piece of wood at all times.

Turtles can breathe through their arse.

The penalty for masturbation In (And I thought I had bad breath in the Indonesia is decapitation. morning!)

There are men in Guam whose full-time Thank you all for reading this. If you need to reach me in the future, job is to travel the countryside and deI will be in Guam!!!!!! Ed. flower young virgins, who pay them As a young Jewish boy, it is tradition to for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: Under Guam law, it is receive presents from your family and expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. friends to celebrate your barmitzvah. I will always remember the two presents In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally I received from my father: 1: A cheque allowed to kill her adulterous husband, book that belonged to the family bank but may only do so with her bare hands. account The husband's illicit lover, on the other 2: A playboy magazine: The only problem hand, may be killed in any manner was the pages were stuck together... desired.

Makes it almost impossible to write Topless saleswomen are legal in any cheques.

Liverpool. But only in tropical fish stores. A family of nine deported from Turkey In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only for trying to team up with ISIS will finish have sex with her husband, and the first up in Rochdale. The council are said to time this happens, her mother must be be very unhappy about this as they will in the room to witness the act. need more time to build them a new five bedroom house.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one My mate died after taking an E. exception: Condoms may be dispensed Countdown's security staff don't fuck from a vending machine only in places about.

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The 7 dwarfs are all excited as the new pope is visiting fairy story land. All week they nudge Dopey sniggering "Well you can finally ask your question!", to which Dopey replies every time "Shurrup willya!" Finally the day arrives and all the dwarfs are lined up with the other characters from the Snow White story, he shakes hands with the evil Queen, then Snow White then slowly makes his way down the line of the dwarfs. As he approaches Dopey theres a small chant which gets louder and louder "Ask him. ask him...ask him ASK HIM!" Ask me what?" Questions the pope. The dwarfs shove Dopey forward "ASK HIM!", "What would you like to know?", says his holiness. "Well", begins Dopey, "Are any of your nuns black?" "Hm" ponders the pope "As a religion we Catholics don't differentiate between creed so its more than probable that quite a few of our nuns are black . Does that answer your question?" ASK HIM!! shout the dwarfs.

"Is there more to your question young man?" "Erm......do any of your nuns work in Antarctica?" "well young man we have nuns all around the globe so its more than likely that we have a couple in Antarctica. Does that answer your question?" ASK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yell the dwarfs! "Is there more to this question?" asks the pope now getting more than annoyed. "Erm...................... are any of these black nuns in Antarctica dwarfs?!

"WHAT"! Splutters the pope.

"I'm sure if we had a black dwarf nun in Antarctica i would have heard of it. So in answer to your question NO!" All the dwarfs collapse on the floor pissing themselves laughing. "DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!! DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!!"

My wife is starting to get a small bald spot on her head that I find really annoying, but don't want to mention it.

However it’s less annoying than having to listen to her whiny voice. So for now the blowjobs continue.

My granddad hated arguments and always tried to keep out of them.

Lovely man, terrible lawyer.

I called my boss this morning. "I won't be coming today," I said. "One of my relatives died." "Who was it?" he asked.

"And why is there music playing in the background?" "It was my mother-in-law," I replied. "That's why I'm at the disco."

My wife was brought to tears by a romance novel. It made me think how profound it is to cry over a few pieces of paper. Then I realised the same happens with me and receipts.

I said to the Librarian I'm looking for a book showing the Early signs of Alzheimer's. "I'm sorry there all out at the moment" she replied. That's ok, do have any books showing the Early signs of Alzheimer's instead?

"Honestly your Honour, I didn't know she was thirteen." I said to the judge. "Oh really," he said, "How old did you think she was?" "Fourteen." was probably not the best response.

I think my autistic girlfriend is cheating on me. She won't even look me in the eyes when we are having sex.

I Decided to spice up a wank session earlier by dressing up as a Nazi. After ten minutes, suddenly my arm shot out and I did a Nazi salute. It was so disconcerting I had to stop the wank.

I didn't know if I was coming or Goering.

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I picked up a girl for a date from her parents' house. "Make sure she's home by eleven," growled her Dad. "Relax.

I'll have her back by ten if you like," I replied. "Oh, okay," he said, lightening up. "It may be even earlier, to be honest.

I'll bring her back once I've shagged her".

sandwich. I say it serves her right, Have they not learned to give Clarkson his food on time yet?

I've been wearing my new "EverLast" underpants continuously for six weeks now and I have just discovered that they don't.

Me and the father-in-law have similar A couple from Scunthorpe have won opinions about his daughter. He thinks the Euromillions twice and plan to move the sun shines out of her arse while I to London. Good luck to them. They would agree her arse is big enough to should have enough now for a deposit house it. on a house.

What's the difference between Canada, A terrorist hijacked a bus full of Mexico and America? America has nice Japanese tourists and stole all of their neighbours. jewellery, but the police say they could catch him fairly quickly as they have An Easyjet flight has had to make an three thousand photos of him. unplanned landing in Rome due to a passenger punching a stewardess in Can someone please tell me if I've spelt the face, because he was not given his 'misogynistic' right? A bloke, preferably.

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What's six foot tall and goes beep beep beep beep beep beep beep? A black man leaving Currys.

I joined Match.com today. I wrote on my profile, "Some nights I like to drink a glass of wine, watch a documentary and relax." So basically every night I drink beer, watch porn and masturbate.

The wife and I sat alone in the hospital room last night, waiting for the sonogram. I said, "I can't wait to see if it's a boy or a girl." "Which do you want?" she asked.

Definitely a girl," I replied.

"I fucking love female nurses.

visiting a different graves.

dancing.

I've spent the last 20 years travelling the globe researching breasts of all shapes, sizes and colours.

My conclusion? Women's are best.

I cheated on my late wife so many times, I'm even

I see the Pope and David Cameron disagree about contraception. I didn't even know they were dating.

If it's true we all go to a better place when we die, Where the fuck is Hugh Hefner going to go?

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good at it.

I don't have any kids!"

David Cameron always uses the phrase "YOUNG PEOPLE" in Parliament.

Because if he uses the word "CHILDREN" his entire back bench will CUM ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK!

My doctor said to me: "Either your smoking or your drinking is going to kill you if you don't change your lifestyle. It's your choice." I'm going for the drinking.

Raheem sterling' share some of that laughing gas with Brendon Rogers please.

Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you put them in the trunk they start to complain.

My wife is so hung up about paedophilia that she won't even let me bath our twin daughters I never comment on a on my own. Whereas I joint Facebook account post because I never know think they can make up You know you've had too who said it, I'm never sure their own minds now much to drink when you if it's the wife, or the pussy they've turned 13. start posting pictures of she's married to. your dick. Through your If you like girls with Down Gran's front door.

Why did so many blacks syndrome and she breaks up with you. Don’t worry, die during the Vietnam war? When the Sergeant it's probably very easy to find another girl who shouted, "Get Down!" they all got up and started looks just like her.

I can't believe I've failed my maths GCSE for the 12th time now. Oh well, third time lucky.

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38

I was quite interested when my Wife told me that in terms of the Chinese Calendar this was 'her' year. I hadn't realised there's a Year of the Fruitbat.

I've lost my trousers that are too long in the leg. But I'm sure they'll turn up.

One of the original Knights of the Round Table has died. RIP Sir Cumference.

My Jewish mate has been sectioned because of his obsession with biscuits and cheese.

Jacob's crackers.

I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on. "Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said.

"But Dad, I'm 18," he protested. "I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."

My daughter told me she thinks she got pregnant by sitting on the school toilet.

"That's ridiculous," I said, "You have to be sexually active before you can get pregnant." "My teacher was sitting on it as well, " she replied.

Over 11% of 12 to 15 year olds have admitted they've been recorded in a I really wish people would stop calling sexual explicit video, which raises the Justin Beiber a girl it is really insulting to very serious question..... Where are all women, everywhere. these videos?

Moved into a new house the rooms are a good size but my Neighbour called the RSPCA on me Apparently you're not allowed to swing cats.

Bought a new type of Pedometer today. Just checked & it reckons I've walked past 3,500 paedos already this afternoon. Time to leave Bradford.

You know your relationship is dead when the only thing you can do to add excitement to it is not delete your browsing history.

As my wife ages she becomes more and more like her mother. Which was my excuse when my father-in-law came home unexpectedly.

A circle, a rhombus, a pentagon and I'm fed up of people challenging my a scalene triangle walk into a bar. The ethics and saying I don't do enough rhombus says to the circle: 'Your round'. to better the world. Even my coat is My grandfather on his death bed said he recycled....It used to be a leopard. wanted to climb Kilimanjaro. If you ask A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex. me, he has bitten off more than he can Unfortunately, the study was conducted get surgically fed into his nose through

by Bill Cosby. tubes.

39

A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is. "My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me." "Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks. "I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose." The bartender is confused.

"I thought you just said your wife beats you." "Well," the man says, "she's a bad loser."

I Have just watched a documentary about landfill sites - what a load of rubbish.

Jesus was such an incredible guy that he walked on water. I bet all the people with incurable cancer are really impressed.

I'm an unlucky sod, national cleavage day and the only woman who comes into my shop is Angelina Jolie.

I bought a German mobile phone the other day and was advised to put it into airplane mode. The thing locked me out.

Then it crashed.

Anyone else looking forward to the all Polish version of Britain's Got Talent?

It's called Britain's Got Talent.

Every morning this week, I've caught my wife masturbating with my snooker equipment. Even today, I opened the door and there she was‌ Right on cue.

"I don't do anal. Not for extra money, not for anything," said the prostitute as we started to undress. I replied, "You're the worst rent boy I've ever picked up."

A husband and wife get married young and, on their honeymoon, the wife discovers something quirky about her 40

husband: he refuses to make love with the lights on. This doesn't really bother her so she decides to just let it go and accept her husband's quirks. Years pass and the husband still remains adamant about keeping the lights off, and the wife starts wondering why this could be. She finally decides to do something about it and, one night, in the middle of a tryst, she turns on the bedside lamp. She looks down and sees her husband holding a flesh textured, much larger than regular, dildo. "How could you have been lying to me all these years?" she yells at him.

The husband looks straight back at her and answers, "Honey, you shouldn't get upset." "Shouldn't get upset? How, can you possibly explain this?" "Okay, tell you what: I'll explain this if you explain our 3 children."

Due to cold snowy weather conditions expected soon, the Met office has issued a statement. A spokesman said, "Make sure that, when you drive, you always carry a flask and a spade - this way you can have a hot drink while the spade pushes your car!"

This morning I got kicked off site for using inappropriate language. English.

If a tree falls down, and only a woman hears it.. What was a tree doing in my kitchen?

noticed but did say my dick felt a bit cold.

The mixed race guy at work told me he finds the term 'half cast' offensive.

Little does he know, behind his back he's known as Niggerish Allsort.

Neatly putting your phone screen protector on. The hardest thing in the world since trying to please the wife was invented.

The job interview I just attended had the strictest vetting procedure I've ever known. They neutered me.

Me thinks, he needs new jeans!

I was on the train today and couldn't help but notice the bloke sitting next to me streaming porn on his mobile phone.

I was furious. How can he get a signal in a tunnel and I can't?"

"What do you call a dog that's been run over by a combine harvester?" I asked my girlfriend. "Look, I'm not in the mood for any of your stupid jokes," she snapped. "Sorry," I said, hiding Barley's blood soaked collar in my pocket.

I was chatting with a mate in the pub.

"Oh, you'll love this, Gary. I was going down on a girl last night and the saucy bitch had shoved a party popper up her vag". "Party popper up her vag?" he said.

Naming a porn website "Brazzers" is "Yeah, well I could see the string hanging really considerate because the name can out". be typed entirely with the left-hand.

I was taking my dog for a walk when this dog came running towards me, "Nice dog, "I said to its owner. "What is it?" "It's a labradoodle, a cross between a Poodle and a Labrador, "she replied.

"Oh, I used to have a Jack Russell crossed with a Chihuahua, "I said," "Ah, "she said, "a Jawowa." "No, "I answered, "a fucking mongrel."

My girlfriend is always asking me do anal. I finally said yes but bottled it at the last moment. I don't think she 41

left..." so she turned around. lifted her skirt up and said. "can I pay you in kind??" The cabby replied. Fuck me luv.. ain't ya got anything smaller?"

My company does random urine testing of all its employees. You know, to detect any traces of hope or optimism.

I keep a cricket bat under my bed for protection.

Turns out to be much less effective than condoms.

Steve-O from Jackass is dating Stacy Solomon.

Just slightly less painful than a nail through the dick.

What's black, 4 inches wide and makes my wife moan? The toast I've just made her.

John Barnes: 'I can't get a job as a football manager because I'm black' There you go Lenny, there are more black comedians after all.

My ex-wife has fallen on hard times and has taken a job cleaning at McDonalds.

Let's see if she can start by wiping this smug grin off my face.

My son told me he heard breathing under his bed. I Pornography only gets Whenever I have sex, it's replied, "for the last time, called by its full name a race to see who comes that's your brother, this is a bunk bed." when it's in trouble. first. Me or the police.

Working-class voters are Not sure if my son is a My Grandad was highly genius or an idiot. I asked decorated in World War criticising David Cameron him today. "What ended Two. In fact, many people for eating a hot dog with in 1945?" He thought for believe it was the tinsel on a knife and fork. Wealthy voters are criticising him a while and then said his helmet that got him for using a hamburger "1944". shot. fork.

They say the one thing A homeless person was you can't buy is taste.

I'll never forget the last just really polite to me.

Especially at McDonald's. I thought "nice bum".... words my dad ever said to me. "Pack your bags My granddad just took me A fat girl walks out of a and fuck off." on a tour around an old night club...jumps into a Nazi museum. Or as he cab to go home....when American Police have likes to call it 'The attic'. the cab arrives at the girls had to shoot dead another I was blinded in one eye house the cabby says "that black man today. The way in a public toilet. What will be ÂŁ9 please".....The he was helping the local sort of idiot sticks his girl replied "oh no.. I don't orphanage was extremely dick through a peep hole? seem to have any money menacing.

42

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female and gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out." I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?' 'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive.

He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.' 'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?' 'Who said my Nonno's dead?' Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?' 'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to get married?"

Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?' I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.' "'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?' 'Who said my Father's dead?' The doctor is amazed. 'You mean 43

A dominatrix has said that Michael Phelps loves to get pissed on while wearing women's underwear. Is anyone really so surprised that he likes waters ports?

"I was trying to say you can't have a darky 007" He clarified.

Monica Lewinsky calls for an end to on-line humiliation. Yeah.. Sucks doesn't it.

So Jeremy Clarkson gets sacked today and all the bloody News channels can go on about is some poxy plane crash??

What the fuck is the world coming to?

You can figure out if you will benefit from the budget simply by looking at your watch. If it's worth more than 5 grand you will be fine.

I was looking at the menu in my local pub and I wondered what the 'Jeremy Clarkson special' was. Then it hit me.

'Brusthom Ziamani - Islamic convert gets 22 years' - I'd have thought they'd have sent him to Broadmoor if the daft twat thinks he can chop off a bloke's head with a hammer.

I Thought that rehearsal for the Queen's funeral in Leicester went well.

You would have thought the Germans would have learned by now. Mountains don't retreat. Not even French ones.

David Cameron had said he's still not sure if any British nationals were on board the German Airbus that crashed in the Alps. Due to the fact that none of the passengers were wearing a burqa.

Can't help but wonder if the Alps crash was someone from ISIS pissed off at the mountain not coming to Mohammed....

BBC News: Zayn Malik leaves One Direction in order to lead a "normal life". It has been confirmed he will be opening a corner shop in Bradford sometime next month.

I'm in Leicester watching King Richard III's funeral procession. I can't believe that everyone around me is filming a man who died 500 years ago with 21st. century cameras. Whilst I'm still setting up my easel.

Saving a sun lounger with a towel is one thing, but I think the Germans have gone too far by using a plane to reserve a ski slope.

So it appears Andreas Lubitz was committing suicide by flying a passenger The French claim that under no plane into the side of a mountain, taking circumstances did they shoot the 149 other people with him. What a German plane down. Good to see selfish bugger. Couldn't he have at least nothing has changed in 75 years then! flown it into a mosque?

News: Sir Roger Moore has been Now listen carefully Bond. This may criticised for telling a french magazine look like a credit card, but in fact that black actor Idris Elba shouldn't be this card will unlock the doors of the next James Bond as the secret agent opportunities no matter your skills, should be "English-English". He says his If you don't get your own way simply meaning was "lost in translation". show this, we call it the "Race card".

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46

There I was thinking of taking part in the Masters and thought.

FUCK IT!!!

So I'm walking down the street the other day, I couldn't believe what I saw....

What the hell kind of guy wears white socks & sandals?

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