Jester issue 66

Issue 66 July

Hi again Dear reader, All together now, sing with me To the tune of ‘Where have all the flowers gone’?

Where have all the Brummies gone, long time passing? Where have all the Brummies gone, long time ago?

Now, I bet you are all saying “what the bloody hell is he on about”. “He’s been on the Vodka again”. No I have not. I have been to Birmingham. I was unfortunate enough to have to go to the Midlands. So rather than drive I decided to go by train. On reaching Birmingham New Street Station, I expected to hear the miserable, whinny, brummie accent and was shocked and horrified that not only was this accent absent, it had be replaced by a language I did not understand. Now I am no expert, but it was either Hindi, Punjabi or some such like. Plus, it seemed that nearly every taxi driver had a beard and a Turban and that was just the woman drivers. I felt like I had been placed in a huge life size book of where’s wally.

No! more like spot the foreigner and I was the bloody foreigner. I knew that Birmingham had a large ethnic community, but I didn’t know they owned all the railway stations.

Some exciting news dear reader. We have a new addition to “the jester” clan. Debbie has joined us and is covering the Quesada area. If you want to see this gorgeous lady about advertising in our little perverted mag, then give her a call on: 693 542 761.

I know she will be happy to pop in and see you to discuss your needs.

So Wimbledon is on again. It won’t be long now until we find out whether Andy Murray is British or still a fucking useless Scotsman. I just hope the weather doesn’t spoil things. Mind you looking out of the window now, I reckon it'll be a late summer this year. So late in fact, it'll be next year.

I missed summer last year, I was having my haircut.

On a final note, in June we saw the passing of the once Liberal leader Charles Kennedy. May he rest in peace. I know that he was partial to a pint, so what. He seemed like a really decent bloke. The only shame is that he was a Liberal. (I bet you lot thought I was going to say Scottish, you racists).

That’s it for this issue my darlings.

Have a great July.

All the best.

Ed.

The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.

2

Dear Editor, I saw a black guy carrying a TV down the street yesterday so I smashed him over the head with a shovel. I'd just like to take this opportunity to apologise to Argos and wish their delivery driver a speedy recovery.

Craig. Coventry.

A perfectly reasonable childish and shows you have nothing assumption as far as I’m concerned. better to do with your pathetic little Ed. lives. Anyway, I'd like to clear up a few things. I'm not fat, I'm not stupid and Dear Editor, Dave has most certainly not had sex How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously one, you with my sister. They have a relationship which is healthy and platonic. As a patronising racist. matter of fact, he's actually round her Mark. Bradford. house right now mowing her lawn.

Me? Never!

Regards, Ed. Dave's wife.

Dear Editor, Thanks Mrs Dave, My girlfriend says I'm going over the top Once he has mowed her lawn, will pestering her for anal sex. I don't if he be putting something in her back you're reading this, but please, babe? passage.

Ed. Jim. San Luis.

Dear Editor, This is Dave's wife here. I've just been reading a few jokes that Dave has sent you and quite frankly, I'm disgusted. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. You blindly believe jokes about me despite the fact that you've never met me and you know literally nothing about me! It's petty, To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Debbie: 693 542 761, Paul: 664 10 60 10 or Graeme: 966 764 403 Please send your letter s, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook.

3

At a wedding, I turn to the lady next to me, and say, "I give it six months."

"That's very insensitive," she spat. "Why do you think that?" I replied, "Because I'm her doctor."

I don't think I could ever fist someone. I'm pretty sure my hand would instinctively grope around for a Pringle while it was in there.

'What are you looking up here for? The joke's in your hand' said the graffiti above the urinal. I looked down and, sure enough, I was holding a rubber chicken.

My fat wife ran away with an Ethiopian. She regretted it 3 minutes down the road.

I shouted to my wife, "There's a problem with this TV I picked up at the

car boot sale." She said, "Why, what's wrong?"

I said, "He's refusing to suck my dick."

No thanks Ouija board, I can't even stand talking to the living.

I was a annoyed with my doctor today, when I went for a prostate exam. If I'd known he was going to wear gloves, I wouldn't have bothered washing my arse.

Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the colour 9.

I'm not saying my wife's a tough bitch.. But she's got a Lego dildo.

What do you call a quick circumcision? A rip-off.

My daughter brought her boyfriend round to meet me earlier, the rude prick wouldn't even look me in the eye. He just sat there, 4

staring at my knife.

My wife has invented a dildo that is shaped like a magic wand. I think she conjured that one up herself.

I took a girl out for a meal on a first date and she asked for the vegan menu, and to be honest it looked quite tasty.

Compared to the shit that was on it.

Elton John. Good on the piano but he sucks on the organ.

I've got two selfie sticks.

They're called "arms".

I'm very old fashioned when it comes to sex.

I blow up my doll with a pair of bellows.

New parent? well always remember pen lids choke kids. Another good one is marbles.

Why African-American, why not Americoons?

For some reason women think childbirth is the hardest thing imaginable.

They've obviously never tried pissing straight with an erection.

If you're so much better than the leading brand‌. why aren't you the leading Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. prosthetic leg. I thought My wife texted me saying, brand? it was the funniest thing "CAN YOU PICK ME UP My girlfriend slags me off ever. But then I saw the AT WORK? X." I texted for being English, but she's one legged bloke chasing back, "Yes, and there's Welsh so she can't really him. no need to shout." She talk.

My wife says she's leaving replied, "Sorry, a bus was Muslim grooming centres me because of my bad driving past." are springing up all over habits. I almost chocked People who campaign Britain apparently. About on my toenail. against wearing fur are fucking time, scruffy twats.

You have to feel sorry for sick bastards. A lot of I got sacked today from Alton Towers Smiler ride animals would freeze to working at the 999 call victim, Leah Washington. death. centre. Apparently when There is a silver lining Facebook. a Muslim calls to report, though. Her chances of Never letting you "My house is on fire!" stepping on a plug or lego "Have you tried blowing forget any of the brick have been reduced on it?" is not the correct by 50%. sluts you've shagged. reply.

If Scientists invented a pill to make us immortal...

I'd probably choke on it.

My girlfriend didn't want to swallow. So I put it on a spoon and fed it to her whilst making airplane noises since she wants to act like a baby!

This morning, I watched a young black kid running down our street with a 5

since. Which is great because I owe him 8 quid.

I overheard my girlfriend muttering to herself, "Love that one... Hate that one...

Ooh, that one made me cry." "Are you going through your DVDs again?" I asked her. "No," she replied. "My dildos."

Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. A new test will be added to all driving schools, which is 50 Shades of Grey in reverse. guaranteed to reduce the number of He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then accidents by 99%. The penis length test.

"Come on love, face down arse up! backwards, forward, then backwards again......back and forth...back and forth, What the fuck don't you understand?!"

Anyway, we lost the wheelbarrow race... in and out.......She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts Most women love it if you can last an and trickling down the small of her hour without cumming. Unless you're back. She was getting near to the end. wanking on a bus.

Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed..... Then she moaned, softly Going around a council estate on a weekday morning dressed in a suit at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an pretending to be a bailiff is a great almighty scream and shouted.................... way to get free blow-jobs.

"You were watching porn on your "Okay, Okay! I can't park the fucking laptop haven’t you?" My wife asked. car! You do it then, you smug bastard!

"I deleted the browsing history," I I wanted my step-daughter to play with replied, "How did you know?" She said, the rabbit I bought her for her birthday, "You forgot to clean the keyboard. but her mother said that sex toys were not an appropriate gift for an eight-year- It's great to see the environmentalists trying to block the path of a BP Oil old. platform coming out of Seattle. By There's a Muslim foodbank opened in going around i circles in their motor our area. I'm sure I can spare a couple boats. Hope you don't run out of fuel of packs of bacon.

Dickheads!

I was called a 'stupid reckless twat' Raheem Sterling playing for England is today. I replied with, "Don't keep me about as much use as a zebra crossing in in suspense. Have I passed?".

Grand Theft Auto.

My wife ran off with the milkman last If Carlsberg did porn‌ year and I haven't seen either of them It would probably involve piss.

6

Is it really gay if a male doctor feels your balls while looking deep into your eyes ‌ and isn't really a doctor, but is just some bloke in Homebase.

My kid was doing my head in when we were shopping in the supermarket wanting some Spiderman action figure so I smacked him a few times, until some busybody bitch came over and said to me that "I should never smack my child because they don't learn anything and it won't make them behave".

So I agreed with her and punched him in the face instead.

Today at the garage where I work, a woman came in with her disabled son and asked me if I could modify her car so it would be easier for him to get in and out etc. "No problem at all," I said, "Oh and one more thing, what flavour windows would you like?"

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she moved a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote."

Talha Asmal 17 has blown himself up to become Britain's youngest suicide bomber. His family and friends said, "well that's him all over".

You know how when you stick a frog in a pot of water on low heat until it finally comes to a boil and kills the frog without it even knowing? Well now you know what marriage feels like.

Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren't that hungry after all?

I just locked eyes with a woman while masturbating. These IKEA bedroom displays really need curtains.

7

looks. In fact, I'll almost be sorry when the viewing's over and the undertakers come for her.

HOMEMADE ITALIAN PIZZA REAL ORIENTAL KEBABS BIG BURGERS

When I was young, I dreamt of being a bird TAKE AWAY OR HOME DELIVERY flying around in the sky.

Someone offered me Now that I'm older, I a seat on the bus today think, "If I was a bird, because they thought I had whose head would I shit spina bifida. I was actually on..?" just trying to conceal an My wife often complains erection. that I don't listen to her, I woke up this morning and that I am not attentive and thought I'd found my to her knee's.

Gran lying on my living room floor. Turns out I'd It was only half way into my prostate examination I just spilled the ash tray. thought, why are both of My uncle once ejaculated his hands on my back??? on me… I'm glad I got that I was having sex with my off my chest.

Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at by the wife "they are just going to buy booze with it". All I can think is: "Oh, like I wasn't?"

Stealing clothes from the washing line or shopping online as it’s known in Liverpool.

I love the way my wife 8

wife on holiday in Karachi: She said, "Is it in, dear?"

I said, "No, it's Pakistan."

By all means attend the birth of your child, but do not head down towards the business end of the birth. It's like watching your favourite pub go up in flames.

Always thought the four words I never wanted to hear from my wife were, "I want a divorce". Turns out it's actually, "What is your computer password".

I don't know why we fuck about sending £2 a month to get water to Africans?

A one-off 5 quid gets a cheapo tap from B & Q and mine works perfectly alright.

How to make a feminist dislike you; Have a penis.

Do gay Irishmen take Viagra just for the crack..

Grace's bar and Grill Now open in Quesada.

Breakfasts-lunch-dinner And Sunday roasts available Monday Steak night Wednesday curry night Friday fish n chip night with entertainment find us opposite the town hall in Quesada Tlf: 602564522

My wife asked me if she should leave her body for scientific research. I told her she should. I think the scientists would appreciate a good laugh.

and I took a cigarette out. I said, "There you go." "What the fuck is that?" he said bemused. I replied, "It's a cigarette lighter."

Congratulations to Mr Henry for receiving a Knighthood for his '30 years of services to Charity'. Or to be exact, 'Banging a fat bird for 3 decades'.

I hope they televise Lenny Henry's knighthood. Will be a change to see a white person swinging a sword towards a black persons neck for a change.

Sorry I replaced your pepper-spray with silly-string. But you've got to admit the surprised look on that mugger's face was priceless!

Note to self: Make sure, on a first date, both of us understand each other's idea I have invented an alarm clock for black of "eating out". men. It goes off at five, ten, fifteen, Why the fuck should I go to someone's twenty, and twenty five year intervals, funeral if they aren't going to attend depending on the length of the sentence. mine?

Spraying Febreze really does get rid of A Muslim was caught shoplifting. bad odours. Plus it lets Muslims know Now when he meets his friends he exactly what I think of them. says, "Yo, give me zero, man!

'Big black dude rapes skinny Eastern Don't be ashamed of who you are, European chick'. Pretty much describes that's your parents job. my favourite type of porn.

And a Wimbledon Women's Tennis match.

Female Muslim suicide bombers have been putting bombs in kitchen cleaner bottles and them hiding them in their vaginas‌ A clear case of clit bang.

A guy at work asked me for a cigarette lighter. I said, "Sure, give me your packet."

He handed over his packet 9

My wife told me she's going out and getting pissed tonight. I said, "Wahey!

Blowjob for me tonight then!" "No, you have to stay in and look after my gran," she said. "Exactly," I replied.

Macklin´s Welcome Inn. Via Park 3

Poker

Toy company Lego have come under fire today, for describing their latest character, Turg, as a 'window-licker.'

Condemnation could have been avoided if they'd just called it Harvey, we'd have got the reference.

Every Wednesday and Friday

BBC news ... is it ok to smack kids in other cultures. Yes, lets start with the Indians, Pakis and blacks then the Polish and Romanians.

Sunday 9pm We now hold a Bookmakers Licence All sports betting legally available here!

While I was in the taxi queue last night I ended up sharing this fat birds kebab.

I knew it was a fucking mistake kissing her.

Bingo

Saturday 2pm

Quiz

Some of them now have even better AK47s than they had before.

I’ve nothing against Lenny Henry getting Just heard the official song for England his knighthood for services to charity as women's football world cup team.

Steam irons on a shirt. after all he`s helped millions in Africa.

I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

Zohra Dawood, one of the sisters who travelled to Syria has spoken for the first time about her ordeal. "it's a desolate landscape where I am in danger of rape and murder on a daily basis. This is the reason I had to leave Bradford".

Breaking on Sky News: Australian Shark Attack, two teenagers lose limbs.

I assume Alton Towers have opened a new attraction.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to make her feel like she's the only girl in the world. So I dropped her off in Chernobyl and left.

10

Electronics giant Panasonic have developed a microwave that can be operated by voice control. Nothing new, I think my wife's had one for years.

I often find the fat bitch stood at it, whispering "C'mon, c'mon, fucking hurry up."

I missed a appointment at the chlamydia clinic yesterday as I managed to pull a girl on the way there… That didn’t help, I’ve still got it.

UPVC WINDOWS DOORS & CONSERVATORIES ALL TYPES OF BUILDING WORKS UNDERTAKEN CENTRO COMERCIAL LOS DOLSES, 104 URB VILLAMARTIN - 03189 ORIHUELA COSTA, ALICANTE, SPAIN. TEL: (0034) 966 764 730 - FAX: (0034) 966 764 158 Email: enquiries@candgfabrications.com

My holiday home has been burnt down

by Welsh Nationalists. Which came as a bit of a surprise to be honest as it's in Spain.

her. "No?" she replied, sounding puzzled.

"How about now ...?"

What do you call a mosque full of telephones? A UK call centre.

During the month of Ramadan, Muslims I'm not saying its posh where I shop but are required to abstain from food and drink from dawn until sunset in an effort the shopping trolley takes American to spiritually cleanse and to feel the Express card. suffering of the poor. Or if you don't I phoned the wife from work. "Do you fancy that you could just go and blow ever get a shooting pain across your yourself up. body, like someone's got a voodoo doll Two men knock on an Essex girl's door of you, and they're stabbing it?" I asked "Hello love how would you like double glazing?", they ask. "Oh go on then", she replies falling to her knees, "just not in my eyes".

Time hasn't been kind to the wife. And, to be honest, now I'm looking, space isn't doing her any favours, either.

I said to my fourteen year old on, "Don't worry, masturbating is quite normal and all men do it," "Yes dad, I know, " he said, "but were just supposed to be taking the dog for a walk."

You know those people that totally mess up their lives when they win the lottery? That's a bit like me.

Just without the lottery part.

11

we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again.

"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues. 85 mph.

A woman is sitting, waiting outside a "And," he says, "I'll have the bank hospital wing, waiting the news as her accounts, all the credit cards and the husband has been in a coma for the past boat!" The car slowly starts veering 3 days. A doctor walks over to her, towards a massive concrete bridge. looks at her and shakes his head slowly. This makes him nervous, so he asks "Is it bad?" she asks. "Yeah, it's bad. her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

You're sitting here posting things on The wife at last replies in a quiet facebook, taking runny makeup selfies, and controlled voice. "No, I've got meanwhile, your husband, for the last everything I need," she says. "Oh, three hours has completely recovered." really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into My husband has cooked me a lovely the wall at 85 mph, The wife turns meal and bought some very nice wine. to him and smiles. "The airbag."

I'll bet he's after sex. Well he can fuck off, he's staying in with me.

Her nagging is a sign that she cares.

Silence means she may be plotting your death.

A married couple are driving along a motorway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know 12

I phoned my boss this morning to tell him I wouldn't be in as my wife had drowned in the bath. "Oh my God, " he sighed "How did that happen?"

"I held her under till she went limp" I replied.

her until she's at least 7.

After a long and hard one night stand of fucking, a man is lying with a girl cuddled up in his arms. She starts gently stroking his dick and he asks her, "Are you still horny?" "No," she says, "I just really miss mine!"

My wife said that she wanted to tell me about her day at the shops. To cut a long story short, I find walking away generally works.

Remember, kids; winners don't use drugs. Not the kind that'll show up on a urine test, anyway.

I took the piss out of a man wearing a funny looking wig today. He had the last laugh though, he sentenced me to eighteen months.

Friendly advice to all girls whose boyfriends keep stealing the covers at night. Get a white boyfriend instead.

The best sex is when my wife gets drunk. She passes out then I go to her sisters house.

For best kale smoothie: 1) Fill blender with ice 2) Place kale in bin 3) Pour rum in blender 4) Add fresh fruits 5) Blend well 6) Enjoy

On the plus side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

After my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor how soon it would be until we could have sex. He said I should wait 6 weeks. I thought what a fucking pervert. I'm not having sex with 12 A

capital of up to ÂŁ600,000 can now also be used to buy an eight pack of Gillette Pro Glide blades.

Always be careful when you choose your companions on a Polar expedition.

You may have to eat them.

53 adults and 15 children found in a locked container in Harwich. That’s got to be the best storage wars ever...

I wonder why it's considered civil to cover the mouth when sneezing and coughing, but not covering your arse when farting.

A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for the first time in their hotel. They start to undress and he says, "God, I never realised that your tits were this small." The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out. While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. The first man said, "Hey, What happened?" "Well, I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight and all I said was, 'Oh I never knew your arse was that big.' and she just threw me out just like that. Just then a third guy also on his wedding night like the first two guys, comes storming out into the hall. "Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?" ask the two men already outside. "No," says the third guy, "but I bloody well could have."

If I pull a stupid face when I cum, is there a split second when a spastic cums that they pull a normal face?

Feminism.

The belief that women should be treated equally to men‌ Except when women are treated better.

I'm trying to give up my two worst habits at the moment smoking and masturbation, but I'm really struggling as I'm a 20-a-day man, and I smoke like a chimney!

The government has announced the Help to Buy scheme which can release 14

captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings Calle Blanca. 03170 Ciudad Quesada. me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says. Her conscience Open from 10am. got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, Tel: 609028658 he's screwing me." "He certainly is," The pub that does grub. replied the captain. "This is the Rosslare Warm and friendly to Fishguard Ferry."

Atmosphere.

Showing all live sports on 3 TV's Breakfast Special 4 items

ONLY 1.50â‚Ź.

Cheapest on the strip.

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the

How to destroy a Toyota Hilux the British Top Gear way: Drive down a flight of steps, scrape buildings, crash in to tree, wash out to sea, drive through garden shed, drop a caravan on it, hit with a wrecking ball, set the cabin on fire, place on a building and demolish it. How to destroy a Toyota Hilux the Iraqi Top Gear way: Fill with explosives.

Get some radicalised little twat from Dewsbury to drive it.

"Wow, what's that mama?" asked Leroy, pointing at the weird flying creature. "That's a daddy long legs" replied his mother. "I've never heard of one of those before" he said. "Alright" she replied, "let's just call it a long legs."

15

time, I can't find my tights. Long story short, that was my first and last day as a fireman.

I think there should be a law that all potential immigrants to this country should be able to speak fluent English before they are allowed to settle here. That should keep the fucking Scots and Welsh out.

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you I Just drove past a pub called 'The what I mean.” With that the father Kangaroo Inn'. There was a sign on the went to the telephone and dialed a wall saying 'All our beer is made with number at random. To the man who hops.' answered the phone, he said, “Hello, Have you been injured in an accident is Melvin there?” The man answered, that wasn't your fault? Of course you “There is no one living here named have. Because that is the definition of Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look an accident. up numbers before you dial”. “See,” said the father to his daughter. “That BBC News: Police hunt Charleston man was not a bit happy with our Church Shooter. Hats off to him, call. He was probably very busy with dancing and shooting at the same time. something and we annoyed him. Now Three guys are talking about their watch….” The father dialed the number wives cooking. The first guy says "my again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked wife is French, everything she cooks the father. “Now look here!” came is in a beautiful sauce". The second the heated reply. “You just called this guy says "my wife is Italian, she cooks number and I told you that there is a beautiful pasta". Third guy says "my no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts wife is German, anything she puts in calling again!” The receiver slammed the oven ends up cremated". down hard. The father turned to his Statistically 60% of people use their daughter and said, “You see, that mobile phone to cheat on their partners. was anger. Now I’ll show you what Personally I prefer to use my penis. exasperation means.” He dialed the I'm always the same when we have to same number, and when a violent go out, its always a rush and everyone voice roared, “Hello!” The father is waiting for me. I'm trying to brush my calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. hair and put my make up on at the same Have there been any calls for me?”

16

When my wife had her appendix out she was left with rather an unsightly scar. She's saying she'll never wear a bikini again.

And that, Dr. Wilson, is why I've bought you this magnum of champagne.

Whilst on safari in Kenya a black mamba snake suddenly bit the wife on the leg. We tried to apply the antidote as quickly as possible but unfortunately we were just to late. The snake didn’t. make it.

anyone look as happy While digging a hole for a drop of water. today, I found a box full of old five pence pieces.

"Do you mind if I I couldn't hold back my have a shag seeing as it's my birthday?" excitement, and I ran I asked my wife. "Of indoors to tell the wife...

And then I remembered course you can my why I was digging the hole. dear," she replied, "just make sure your I was looking through my daughter's phone when I home for tea." stumbled across a video of What do you call a her screaming and banging group of epileptics her head on the floor at in a bowl? Seizure the same time. I said, "It Salad! better not be what I think What if Jesus was it is!" "That's me taking it gay and was actually up the arse," she said, saying ahhh men. looking embarrassed. "Oh, thank God!" I cried. "For I was in a pub in a minute I thought you'd Liverpool and not once become a Muslim." did I hear Hillsborough mentioned. "It's never There once was a man been mentioned for years, called Hawking, Who got " said the landlord, "it's a very bored of walking, He dare game, the first one to got on a scooter, Attached mention it has to look for a computer, And now it a job." does all of the talking.

A homeless guy knocked on my door and asked if he could have some water.

I only had an empty vodka bottle to put it in though.

Still, I've never seen 17

recon they just got the spelling wrong, it should be LOASS. Lack Of A Slap Syndrome.

What do you call a Muslim on fire? Funny as fuck!

Just been reading Delia Smith's instructions for her best scrambled egg.

She says, "Your eggs I've always taught my We cleared out my gran's should be soft and fluffy."

No, Delia, they fucking kids that smoking's bad, flat this morning, sorted but when I caught my son out the good stuff and put shouldn't, if they are, it in his room with a fag, I it on eBay, and then went means they've bloody really wish he'd just taken to the estate agents to put hatched. up smoking instead. her flat on the market.

The wife tried on a new She'll be well pissed off dress and asked for my I took a photo of my when she gets back from opinion. I said I thought it wife, but I got her bad bingo. was abysmal. She bought side. The front. the next size up.

How is a woman like a When I first discovered condom? Both of them "Tits man or arse man?" masturbation at Catholic spend more time in your I was asked. I really should school, I was terrified. I wallet than on your dick. have got in there earlier thought I was broken. I when they were giving out couldn't understand why ADHD wasn't around super hero names. jizz was coming out of my when we were Kids so I dick instead of my bum like it normally did.

How come a woman wearing a see-through blouse is okay, but a mother breastfeeding in the park isn't?

It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph cricket ball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is pissed off at you.

18

The inventor of the condom died today.

Attendees of the funeral described it as "Safe, but less enjoyable than other funerals."

I honestly love my Girlfriend, but she's got to be the only Girl I know to treat a yeast infection with Calgon.

Woman born with no vagina. Asked how she felt, she said "I couldn't give a Fuck!"

I said to my mate Mohammed, "Ramadan starts today have you made any special plans? " "Yeah, " he replied, "I've joined weight watchers, I might as fucking well get something out of it."

WHAT’S ON IN JULY At The place of Variety

ELVIS 4TH OF JULY INDEPENDENCE DAY BASH. ROD STEWART TRIBUTE ED TEMPLE FAMILY FUN HYPNOSTIST SHOW FULL MENU WITH FISH AND CHIPS DAILY FACEBOOK PABLOS INTERNATIONAL BAR FOR MORE DETAILS

I got sacked from my job for "not taking opportunities as they appear". In fairness its a nicer way of wording "Because you Jack Wilshere has been fined £40,000 had to be rescued from the revolving by the FA for calling Tottenham Hotspur door in the lobby". shit. He was then fined another £40,000 A man turns to his new girlfriend and for saying water is wet. says, "Since I first laid eyes upon your beautiful body, I've wanted to make love Why did the Muslim cross the road? I to you really, really badly." The girlfriend don't know. Me neither. Let's deport the suspicious bastard. responds, "Well, you succeeded."

I'm due at the magistrates court tomorrow after having sex with two goats. The case is a driving offence but I'll be having sex with two goats before I leave.

I called at the doctors and said to the receptionist, "I'm just calling in to check what days I can be sick on next month."

What have a plumber and a porn star got in common?

Their hourly rates.

19

her and her 4yr old son to move in with me. She then explained that he was shit scared of my dog. "I'll get rid of him if it helps our relationship", I told her. "Really? That's so thoughtful and kind!" She beamed, "I think that'd be the answer", "Right oh," I replied, "If you take Snoopy around the block, it'll be sorted by the time you're back".

I got the wife a selfie stick for her birthday. It's not what she wanted, I misheard her when she was calling me a selfish dick.

I had to fail a girl today for flirting with me for the entire duration of her driving test. It's harsh but I have to stand by my principles. She should've got straight to sucking me off like the other girls.

Gay black men make me want to puke.

Gay Asians tend not to have big enough dicks to activate my gag reflex.

The Katzenklavier ("cat piano") was a musical instrument made out of cats.

Designed by 17th-century German scholar Athanasius Kircher, it consisted of a row of caged cats with different voice pitches, who could be "played" by a keyboardist driving nails into their tails.

And who says the Germans don't have a sense of humour?

I never do well with women, they always want to hug, cuddle and pillow talk after sex. I just like to slam the boot shut, and push the car into the river.

Things were going very well with my new girlfriend, and I was going to ask

BBC: Prince Harry reportedly photographed with Doctor Who actress Jenna Coleman. A spokesman has said "He was just trying to find out if she was bigger on the inside."

My optometrist thinks my eyes will probably improve. Unfortunately my pessometrist thinks they'll get worse.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman. So, in answer to your question ... It's probably a fucking bird.

Apparently double-barrelled names come about when both parents want to keep their surnames, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy.

A German lorry driver in a Pub in Newcastle gobbing off about how lazy the British are, he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in two days. This old Geordie man mutters.......Way Ay Man....I used to pick up my load in Newcastle drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle the same day.

The German trucker snorted and said.... Oh Yeah....what rig were you driving? The old fella replied.......

A LANCASTER BOMBER !!!!!!!!!!

I wish I had a bigger cock. My hens are just not laying.

20

Sex in the Dark There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every Friday 3rd 9pm - Reggae/Ska Music time they made love, the husband Night With DJ Johnny Spliff always insisted on shutting off the Friday 10th 9pm - Live Music - Johnny light. Well, after 20 years the wife Fox Singing All The Mod/Ska Hits felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him of this crazy Friday 17th 8:30pm - Live Music - Gary Jay UK´s No1 Elvis Tribute & Hog Roast habit. So one night, while they Friday 24th 9pm - 70´s/80´s Disco were in the middle of a wild, With DJ Johnny Cool screaming, romantic session, she Friday 31st 9pm - Northern Soul turned on the lights.. She looked Music Night. down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real thing. She went completely ballistic.. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you to that in Nigeria but at least we are not be lying to me all of these years? You persecuted and treated without respect better explain yourself!' The husband by primitive masses," he said cheerfully. looks her straight in the eyes and says Bicycle sighed and said "It's bright calmly: 'I'll explain the toy. . You explain sunshine, dad. The locals are still licking the kids.' me to see if I'm made of chocolate."

I was helping my friend with a group of underprivileged welsh kids at a local community centre. He asked a little girl what does a cow do? Moooo was the reply. He asked another kid what does a dog do? Woof woof was the reply.

He them asked Dai what does a sheep do? Anal said Dai.

Sure Burger King advertise that you can "have it your way" but as soon as you ask them for a Big Mac they get all pissy.

After weeks of online chatting, I had arranged to meet Clare, the undercover police woman. Imagine my shock when she turned out to be a nine year old boy.

Bicycle stood in the doorway, soaking wet and dripping on the doormat. Her father couldn't help but chuckle. "The weather here in Wales is very different

Everyone is saying that there is nowhere for all those immigrants to stay when they turn up in Kos. Might I suggest that Thomas Cook have some nice villas that I highly recommend for them.

ISIS are threatening a possible attack that could be twice as bad as September 11th. 18/22 doesn't sound as bad though.

My new girlfriend likes to have sex in weird places. Yesterday we screwed in the bedroom at my place, while my wife was at work.

21

ACCELERATION ACOUSTICS AMPLITUDE ATOM BLACK HOLE BUOYANCY CENTRIPETAL COLD FUSION CONVECTION DENSITY DISPLACEMENT DOPPLER

EINSTEIN ELECTRON ENERGY ENTROPY EXPERIMENT FARADAY FREEZING POINT FULCRUM GRAVITY HAWKING IMPEDANCE ISOTOPE

KELVIN LAWS LENGTH LEVER MASS MECHANICS MOMENTUM NEWTON OPTICS PASCAL PENDULUM POWER

PRINCIPLES QUARK REFRACTION SOUND STRING THEORY TESLA THERMOMETER TRAJECTORY VECTOR VISCOSITY WAVE WEDGE WORK

Find and circle all of the words about Physics that are hidden in the grid.

The remaining 30 letters spell an Albert Einstein quotation. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details.

The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck.

22

LITTLE GIRL!" The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!" The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

I disguise myself as a Muslim and suddenly pop out to scare people.

I love playing pakiboo.

"Where's the fucking mute button on this contraption?" I demanded as I stormed into my son's room at 3am.

"For Christ's sake," said my wife. He's only three weeks old; he cries, o.k?"

I approached a prostitute last night who offered me "hand relief" for £15.

I find it ironic that the sort of person who is willing to stand half naked on a freezing street to sell their body to an endless succession of strangers, night after night, in order to fuel a lethal drugs habit won't lower themselves to use the word "wank."

FIRST DAY BACK AT SCHOOL REGISTRATION – LEICESTER Mustafa Al Sheriah? "here" Ahmed El Sheriah? "here" Fatima El Bindiri? "here" Ali Acmah Shabeeb? "here" Ali Sun Al En? No answer.

Ali Sun Al En? Little girl at the back stands up and says "it's pronounced Alison Allen for fuck’s sake.

I never forget my anniversary because my wife always reminds me. She called me in tears at the pub today and said, "It's our anniversary you bastard".

Phew. That was a close one.

A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!" The man said, "What little girl?!" The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE 23

I want to know is, why didn't we think of it first."

Delighted to see London's James Bond Week kicking off with a live performance of 'Skyfall'.

I just flew in from Johannesburg and boy are my arms tir ARGHHHHH NotOnTheHighStreet.com are to change their company name to NotOnOurFuckingRoof.com British Airways are set to rival easyjet and ryanair with their new stowaway class. They have them beaten on price and you arrive straight to the city centre. True door to roof service.

Very unexpected events unfolding in Richmond this morning. BBC weather didn't report anything about it raining blacks and dogs.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

No, it's an illegal immigrant!

"Saturdays forecast shows some quite clear spells, but later on around lunch time we should have a few Black Immigrants falling over to the east of England, around the London and Essex areas nothing too serious and it shouldn't last too long but as I say, don't have any rooftop parties or BBQ's planned because that could spoil it for you" said the ITV Weatherman.

The head of the CIA summons his top staff for a meeting. "Just what the fuck are you lot doing? someone falls out of an aircraft over London on a flight from South Africa." "It's nothing to do with any of us sir, it was just an accident." "I fucking know that you dumb prick, what 24

There are few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink. One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough, my friend. I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week, I can't believe it." At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad? She's cut some guys out altogether."

I don't get why Americans don't make movies like Star Wars these days. The rebellious underdogs flying their planes in a suicide mission into the heart of a base to destroy the mighty empire that is threatening to overtake their homeland doesn't seem to appeal to them anymore.

then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he said. "You mean you've actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

A young couple had just had great sex.

When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she 25

26

You just have to love little Thelma.

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine? Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?� "The Isis group," she says. "Why them," her father asks in shock? "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them."

something without giving a reason to would. Try earning it, fucking busk or something, anything, maybe I'd be more willing to give." Well that must've been the kick up the arse he needed, because There used to be a tramp I had to two weeks later he was on his corner, walk past every day on my way to performing an amazingly polished work. "Got any spare change?" he'd ask fire-breathing act. Twenty minutes I every time I walked past, just ignoring was stood there, completely amazed him. Months went by, same routine of at the show. I gave him a massive round me not acknowledging him until one day of applause and he gingerly held out his he said.. "I do fucking exist, mate - you hand and asked, "So, do you think you can't hide from it and I think you're a could spare a pound, mate?" "Fuck off!" very ignorant man. You don't have to I replied. "You'll only spend it on turps." treat me like I'm invisible." "Listen, pal," I replied, "you disgust me. But don't get British Summer Time. Ensuring an extra hour of rain since 1940. me wrong, ANYONE asking for 27

surrounded by flowerbeds.

It must have made a beautiful crime scene.

My ten year old son just asked me what were the 80's like. So I turned the Wi-Fi off and took away his smart phone.

News: KFC brings back Colonel Sanders. Because if anything can bring people together, it's an old white guy dressed like a plantation owner.

I'm pretty sober, but I'm even prettier when you're drunk.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it.

When I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change TV channels.

My little black book rates all my previous sexual partners. It's a shame they're hourly rates.

There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 30. And those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

My 18 month old son fell asleep on my lap today.

So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and then I

Man: "You're quite a good golfer for a woman.

How do you know your went back downstairs to way around the course so relax. Everyone on the bus well?" Blonde: "The holes are numbered." must've thought I was a right prick.

As I drove home from I lost my job with the Fire work today I hit a rabbit.

I keep one in the car for Brigade for being over when I'm stressed. confident. It turns out I couldn't "piss that one This is my fourth visit to out".

Turkey in 3 years, and every time it's the same The issue of thousands of black people drowning old thing. "10 camels for your beautiful wife?" And in the Mediterranean won't be a problem soon every time I tell them to enough. It's getting to the fuck off, before winking at the wife. If she is that point where they could fucking beautiful, why the just use the bodies as fuck are they trying to sell stepping stones. her back to me?

The company I bought a sex doll off on the Internet What's the difference between Greece and tried to pull a fast one.

So I've sent it back with a Muslims? Greece will letter saying, it's got a hole eventually be kicked out. in it between the legs. I I'm not saying I'm shit at might be a virgin, but I'm snooker. But I'm the only not fucking stupid. player at the club to shout "Fore" when I play a shot.

I had sex with a girl in the park last night, on I just bought an Islamic a hill under a huge oak sex doll. She blows herself tree overlooking the lake, up.

28

WE DID NOT MAKE THIS UP. I PROMISE. Ed. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/ar.

Oral sex is good for women's health and makes you feel happier, according to a study which studied the effects of semen's 'mood-altering chemicals'. The State University of New York study - which scientists carried out via survey rather than through practical experiment - compared the sex lives of 293 females to their mental health. It follows research which shows that seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevates mood, increases affection, induces sleep and also contains at least three anti-depressants. The researchers also claim that women who have regular unprotected sex are less depressed and perform better on cognitive tests.

Semen contains another of chemicals along with spermatozoa, including cortisol, which is known to increase affection, estrone, which elevates mood and oxytocin, which also elevates mood. It also contains thyrotropin-releasing hormone (another antidepressant), melatonin (a sleep-inducing agent), and even serotonin (perhaps the best-known antidepressant neurotransmitter). Given these ingredients - and this is just a small sample of the mind-altering 'drugs' found in human semen Researchers Gallup and Burch, along with the psychologist Steven Platek, hypothesised that women having unprotected sex should be less depressed than suitable control participants. Hormone-free 'male pill' that halts sperm production is a step closer Does having sex make women more fertile? Semen found to trigger ovulation. To investigate whether semen has antidepressant effects, the authors rounded up 293 college females from the university's Albany campus, who agreed to fill out an anonymous questionnaire about various aspects of their sex lives.

Recent sexual activity without condoms was used as an indirect measure of seminal plasma circulating in the woman’s body. Each participant also completed the Beck Depression Inventory, a commonly used clinical measure of depressive symptoms.

The most significant findings from this study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour, were that, even after adjusting for frequency of sexual intercourse, women who engaged in sex and 'never' used condoms showed significantly fewer depressive symptoms than did those who 'usually' or 'always' used condoms.

Importantly, these chronically condom-less, sexually active women also evidenced fewer depressive symptoms than did those who abstained from sex altogether.

By contrast, sexually active heterosexual women, including self-described 'promiscuous' women, who used condoms were just as depressed as those practicing total abstinence. The research suggests it is not just that women who are having sex are simply happier, but that happiness levels might be related to the quantity of semen within their body.

Other recent findings from Gallup’s laboratory suggest that semen-exposed women perform better on concentration and cognitive tasks and that women’s bodies can detect 'foreign' semen that differs from their long-term or recurrent sexual partner’s signature semen. They suggest the ability to detect foreign sources is an evolved system that often leads to unsuccessful pregnancies - via greater risk of preeclampsia - because it signals a disinvested male partner who is not as likely to provide for the offspring.

29

WHAT SHE IS THINKING WHEN GIVING YOU THAT BLOW JOB. 1. Ugh. 2. Focus. You’re a champion. You can do this. Breathe through your nose.

3. How does one look sexy while putting a weird foreign object into one’s mouth?

4. Seriously FOCUS. There is a task at hand, here…at mouth. I’m too funny for blow jobs. Got better things to be doing with my mouth.

5. Who invented the blow job anyway?

What a weird thing to do. Here’s this external organ that releases urine and potential future children and he says put it in your mouth.

6. He’s got really nice “V” muscles though. I wonder what those are called.

It’s actually amazing that the literal most enticing muscle on a man’s body points directly to his penis as if to say “Like what you see? Prove it.

7. How long have I been doing this? It’s like time moves more slowly down here.

8. HAND OFF MY HEAD! You really don’t want to piss off the person whose teeth are in a close proximity to your penis.

9. My jaw hurts.

10. This is the only time I’ve ever wished his penis was smaller.

11. Fifteen second hand job interlude please.

12. Tying my hair back. We’re about to get serious.

20. I never noticed how huge his balls were.

21. Balls are so gross. I genuinely don’t mind how penises look, but balls…ick.

They can make the hottest guy look like he’s 500 years old. They’re just hairy, and wrinkly, and somehow cold. I suppose I should give them a little love.

22. A trim would have been nice. I’m not

dealing with a pube stuck in my throat for 36 hours….again. Worse than popcorn kernels.

23. Did I put my laundry in the dryer?

24. If you don’t remove your hand from my head, I will bite your dick clean off.

25. Can’t. Breathe.

26. Is he looking at me? Should I wave?

No, don’t wave. Stop looking at me. I don’t work well under pressure.

27. You know what’s fun, and not at all unnecessary and disgusting? Pre-cum.

28. HOW COME YOU NEVER LAST THIS LONG WHEN WE HAVE SEX?!

29. Is he watching TV?!?!? To be honest, I’d kind of like to be watching TV. I’m so bored. I’ve been at this for like ten years, and there’s not much to look at besides a pelvis being thrust toward my face.

30. No, I think his eyes are closed. I wonder what he’s thinking about.

31. I wonder who he’s thinking about.

32. I totally shouldn’t have eaten today.

33. That’s right, buddy. I own you right now.

34. I wonder what this feels like. I just wish I could have a penis for one day, so I could get a blow job. Would that make me a lesbian?

35. If he doesn’t kiss me when this is over, I am never doing it again. That’s not a threat, I’m just not doing it again. If it’s too gross for him, it’s too gross for me… and it’s definitely too gross for me.

36. No warning?!?!?!?!?! What are you some kind of stone age savage???

37. “Good for your teeth.” Bullshit. I’m going to vomit. Deep breaths.

38. It kind of sounds like he’s laughing when he cums. I wonder what I sound like.

39. What if he’s actually laughing?!

40. Hmm. My turn. And suddenly, I don’t care anymore.

30

A Jehovah's Witness asked me, "If you had to name one religion, what would you be?" "Deluded," I replied.

wonderland.... It turned out to be a black man smiling at me through the window.

I went to the swimming baths yesterday and said, "How much for two children?"

The cashier said, "ÂŁ4.80." I said, "Do I get to choose them or is it just a lucky dip?"

"I'm going to create man and woman with original sin. Then I'm going to impregnate a woman with myself as her child, so that I can be born in human form. Once alive, I will kill myself as a sacrifice to myself. To save you from the sin I originally condemned you to.

Ta dah!" God - master of logic since the beginning of time.

A new study suggests that if a man relentlessly pursues a resistant woman back from work or the pub, eventually she will warm to you. I think it's called Stalkhome syndrome.

So McDonalds are thinking of doing food deliveries. Now correct me if I'm wrong but the food is pissing freezing by the time it gets to window two on the drive through. It will be like a fucking tip top by the time it reaches my house.

I was watching TV when my girlfriend said, "I heard you masturbating last night." "Oh come on," I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?" "Ever what?" she replied. "You know..." I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?" "Come on, say it. Don't I ever what?" she replied. I said, "Don't you ever shut the fuck up?"

I ate a bunch of mushrooms the other night in the dark and stumbled around my house for a bit. Eventually I started hallucinating, I turned around and thought I saw the cat from Alice in

"Doc," I said, "every time I fart the room fills with smoke and stinks of petrol. What's the matter with me?"

"That's easy," he said. "You're exhausted."

I call my wife 'Her Indoors'... She's got a beard like Jim Morrison.

I sent a note through my neighbour's letterbox this morning. It read: "I don't know whether it is spelt 'died' or 'dyed', either way, I'm afraid your cat is a different colour.. And not alive."

News: Town of North Pole, Alaska legalises marijuana. So don't expect your presents from Santa until next April.

As a pedo I were scared shitless of going to prison and sometimes disgusted with my behaviour. So I became a Muslim problem solved.

31

Dear Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through. How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals, Basingstoke, has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government? How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand? You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die! I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap. Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process! Someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN FUCKING PAKISTAN‌ Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Because we're totally fucked off!

An Irate British Citizen.

32

drawer where you keep your taser . . .

Hitler and Eva Braun are all packed and in the limo taking a much needed holiday. "Fuck, "says Hitler, "we'll have to go back. I forgot to turn the gas on."

I see the Clangers have made a comeback on the TV today. Or more commonly known as the Candidates in the Labour leadership election...

Even though no religious person has ever actually seen their god, they keep reaching to them for happiness and satisfaction as they let them run their lives. It's the same with me and my My Australian mate was asked if he prostate. could foster a ten-year-old boy. "Fuck I heard someone call David Cameron off," he replied, "There's no way I'd let an ignorant, slimy, dirty, little twat and I the little fella drink that piss." was completely outraged. He's not little.

Whenever I see fat lasses jogging in I got a lift in to work from a Pakistani the park, I put on my balaclava and chase colleague today, and had to listen to them. Not with intent to rape, I just 'Bhangra FM' for the whole journey. want to make sure they get a proper I didn't want to appear racially in workout. sensitive and offend his culture by As I walked down the aisle with my reaching over and changing the radio daughter a little tear came to my eye. station. Plus, I didn't want to accidently I wish it was my wife I was giving away. detonate the van.

The good, the bad and the ugly at an I can't believe my girlfriend just called Indian wedding: The food. The music. me old fashioned. And with her ankles The bride. showing, the slut.

Spare a thought for British tourists on the Greek Island of Kos whose holidays are being ruined by boat migrants. You cant even go on holiday now to get away from the bastards.

"Have you got somewhere I can try these on please? " I asked the shop assistant. "Please take your Durex and leave. " She replied.

Don't ask . . . just trust me. Never, ever put your vibrator in the same 33

Not a joke but a good read‌ The first part is a girl's email apology to her boyfriend for cheating.

The second is his hilarious reply...

Dear Brad, It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly, truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.

It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can't imagine my days without you.

It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.

Elizabeth RESPONSE: Dear Elizabeth, Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under 'L! ' for 'Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about'.

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is 'a stupid thing'; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is 'a stupid thing'; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a 'Stupid thing' as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying 'Well, I didn't fuck him' somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world 'looked 34

funny' to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.

The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.

Talk to you never, Brad.

Mo Farah says he has never taken drugs, Gregory Mullen said, "He went a little this might be true, but one look and you overboard with this unique style of job know he's been dealing them. application, but we'd still like to take him on."

Dylann Roof has been charged with murder. He should be the one charging Mo Farah. Nobody can run across Africa and Europe from Somalia to England on the police he is doing their job for just Quorn. them.

Dylann Roof is now being interviewed Why is everyone calling what happened

by Police after shooting 9 black people at Charleston a mass shooting? I'm dead in one day. Charleston police chief pretty sure it was a Protestant church.

35

THE BEAUTIFUL GAME!!!

I am having trouble downloading my new copy of FIFA 15. I think it must be corrupt.

BREAKING NEWS: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

Looking forward to FIFA 16 this year.

The courtroom setting will be a nice change of pace.

Sepp Blatter was asked if he thinks any more of his executive committee will be arrested for corruption. He said he doesn't know what the future holds, except for who's hosting the next 5 World Cups.

FBI agents arrest 6 FIFA officials on allegations of bribery and corruption.

Later in the day the lead FBI agent informed reporters that "it has all been a misunderstanding and all charges are to be dropped", as he drove away in his brand new Bugatti Veyron.

"Blatter blames tiny minority for corruption". I hardly think this one is Raheem Sterling's fault Sepp.

Fuck me that FIFA 16 game is realistic.

Mine arrived in a plain brown envelope.

his hands ‌ Well, Sepp, we all know what happens if you let your hand go numb. It feels like someone else is taking all the bribes ...

How did it get to the point where most football fans want a Muslim in charge in preference to a white man who urged women to play in tighter kit?!

I think Sep Blatter should have a medal for his fantastic work on 'kick racism out of football'. Never seen so many blacks voting for a white man.

"Mr Mugabe Sir, there is a telephone call for you." "Who is it Kambala?" "It's FIFA Sir, they have a job for you."

Sepp Blatter is going to use all of his spare time to concentrate on improving his tennis game. Rumour has it that his forehand is nothing special but his back-handers are fucking amazing.

Sepp Blatter has announced he will resign to spend more time with his family and his shredder.

FIFA president Sepp Blatter was close to tears after being given a 10-minute standing ovation by some 400 staff as he returned to its Zurich headquarters a day after announcing he was to step down. He had paid for 20 minutes.

I suspect that once he's elected, Sepp Blatter will answer his American critics.

By awarding the next two world cups to North Korea and Iran.

Due to the amount of money involved at FIFA. The Greek government is applying for the position of president.

The only way that FIFA will get the message is if teams start to boycott the major championships. The idea seems to have caught on and I was proud to see Aston Villa refused to play in the FA Cup Final.

So Blatter's been accused of sitting on

The Culture Secretary, John Whittingdale, says England has the facilities to host the 2022 World Cup if corruption allegations about Qatar's bid are true.

Why doesn't he just slip someone a few quid to make sure?

I see Sepp Blatter resigned with a generous severance bribe.

36

electronic device from your pocket and within seconds, you can be watching a horse fuck a midget.

I have had to sack my Ethiopian window cleaner.

Every time he needed to refill his bucket he walked to the next town to do it.

My wife came home from work and flopped into a chair, exhausted. "Darling," I said. "When was the last time I ran you a bath with scented candles, gave you a massage and tucked you up in bed with a glass of cold champagne?" "Never," she replied. "Exactly," I said. "So get in the fucking kitchen and cook my dinner."

wife. She said, "You can't say that, it's insulting. Say African-American instead."

Surely that's insulting them twice.

I went to the solicitor to change my will today but it turns out I can't leave all my money to an imaginary friend unless he has a church.

Advancement of technology is probably The wife was baking and mankind's greatest told me to go to the shop achievement. Just two and get some dates. So I'm hundred years ago, if you meeting the shelf stacker wanted to send a message tonight and the checkout to someone at the other girl on Saturday. end of the country, you had to write it down on I carry an old Chinese a piece of parchment using saying with me through a scratchy quill, seal it life. "That'll be 35-40 closed with wax and minutes". entrust some young squire I like to have a cigarette to take it by foot to after a good meal. Thanks wherever, along roads to my wife I’ve been able rife with highwaymen to quit. prepared to kill for it.

I recently used the word Nowadays however, "nigger" in front of my you simply take a small 37

I met this girl at a bar and we immediately hit it off. I took her home after a few drinks and the sex was absolutely mind blowing. Before she left the next morning she confided in me that she was a member of the KKK, and told me that if I wasn't bothered by that, she would love to do this again sometime.

Considering how good the pussy is, I decided to keep seeing her. She's truly a wizard in the sheets.

I've opened a gym, in which the instructors would go door to door and brag about the various benefits of joining it. I've named it Jehovah's Fitness.

You know you buy “the jester” magazine too often when you read the joke on a penguin wrapper and think it would be funnier if the penguin got raped.

38

in most Feminist blogs and I received dozens of appreciations because of it.

It was a joke about men though.

Police have arrested 11 people on suspicion of murder after a man's body was found in a shed in Birmingham.

Neighbours described him as a bit of a tool.

"Mummy, was Rohypnol around when you were younger?" "I can't remember, Jesus." replied Mary.

"I can't fucking believe it," I screamed, running into the delivery suite. "The baby has come out black." "I know," she said, laying in her hospital bed.

"You dirty fucking slag!" I shouted."

"I'm not having you talk to me like this," she said. "Get out!" "Talk to you like A lot of blokes have nicknames for this?" I yelled. "You've been shagging a their penises and I was recently given a nigger!" I looked at the midwife and said, nickname for mine. It was by a woman "I honestly can't believe it." She said, while she was giving me a blow job.

"Are you the boyfriend or husband?"

She named it the Impaler, at least I said, "Neither, I don't know her, but that's what I thought. Turns out she it just winds me up when I see a pretty was asthmatic and it's my fault she died. white girl like that getting knocked up by a darkie."

My daughter accused me of being a pervert yesterday. I was so mad at her, These illegal immigrants will hide I couldn't even look her in the tits. anywhere. Just this afternoon I came home from work and found a naked It's amazing how fast technology is black man in my wife's wardrobe. moving, 139 years since the invention

of the telephone, 50 years since the invention of the computer, 120 years since the invention of the radio, 20 years since the invention of e-mail, 11 years since the invention of Facebook, and STILL, God finds no easy way to contact us.

I wrote a sexist joke on Facebook and to my utter surprise, it was liked by many Feminists. It soon went viral

Apparently you can tell a lot about your general health by the condition of your bowels. If they're protruding out of your arsehole you're probably not too well.

My dad went to the shops to get fags 40 years ago when I was just 9 years old, and he never returned. Sometimes I get really mad about it, the thought that he is out there somewhere, with my fags.

39

Fast food burgers are like women's underwear. Getting smaller and more expensive with each passing year.

my mobile phone from my pocket and showed them a picture of my wife.

Years ago perverts used to hang around schools to drool over young schoolgirls.

Thanks to street cameras the police can now watch them from the police station whilst tossing themselves off.

BBC News... Elderly People Being Driven to Food Banks. They should use their buses passes, they get them for fuck all.

There's one main reason that I like to shop in Primark. To show off my teeth.

I thought I would walk around with my tiny erection showing thinking nobody would notice it. I got arrested though.

It stuck out like a sore thumb.

I was so embarrassed in Ann Summers today my 12 year old daughter's 34DD tits wouldn't fit into the Latex corset I was buying her. Everyone was staring at us.

"I'm sorry," said the doctor when my wife had her scan, "your child will be slow in development and may well grow up to have criminal tendencies." "Is there anything we can do?" we both asked.

"Yes," replied the doctor. "Move away from Liverpool."

I took my girlfriend to the doctor because I was worried she might be pregnant. He told me that everything's fine. I said, "Does that mean I can deflate her now?"

I had a job interview with Al-Qaeda today. "Where do you see yourself exploding in five years?", they asked.

Somebody said to me today, "What's the worst that could happen?" So I took 40

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

Winning ÂŁ25 on the lottery last week has changed my life forever. I spent it on a bottle of vodka and got caught shagging my wife's sister.

I'm not saying Essex girls are sluts....

But I had surprise sex with one the other night and she had a snooze button on her rape alarm.

Britain's Busiest Airport on ITV. Security being friendly and not molesting staff and passengers, ground staff smiling and wishing passengers a good morning and telling them to have a good flight and such, coppers being sensitive to the homeless, managers and airline reps looking busy, cleaners actually cleaning, baggage loaders placing bags on the belt gently, the guys on the ramp not saying fuck, cunt or bollocks in every sentence or having a debate about the latest hottie at check-in they want to screw and all of which seem to be overly happy to be working at LHR? Anyone would think that a camera crew were following them around.

Three fucking quid to send the kids to school for non uniform day and what does the fucking school do? Send them back home to get dressed and report me to social services.

Take Your Children To Work Day. What better way to teach your kids why you come home miserable every night.

The word "efficient" should really only have one f.

I can't believe my in-laws took sides when our marriage ended. I mean, for fuck sake they visit her nearly every day and haven't dropped in to see me once, and my prison is on the way to her cemetery.

Come visit us and enjoy Breakfasts Sunday Lunches Pick & Mix Nights Fish & Chips Nights Chefs Daily Specials I was staring intently at my wife when she spotted my gaze "I bet I know what you're thinking" she said "I bet you're thinking "drop dead gorgeous" aren't you?" I must have looked surprised as she said "I knew it!" and turned away smiling I have to say I was a bit surprised because all apart from the "gorgeous" part she was fucking spot on.

I didn't think I could be anymore humiliated when a girl took out a magnifying glass to look at my penis.

Until my ball bag went up in flames.

A recent study has shown that men who have sex with more than twenty women in their life have a reduced risk of developing prostate cancer.

Brilliant! Only twenty to go!

I made a kid cry in Asda earlier. I grabbed him by the shoulders, and screamed, "I'm YOU ... from the FUTURE!" Study: American preschoolers exercise only 12% of the day. The rest of the day is spent napping, eating, sitting and doing nothing. Or as most people call it being an American.

BBC News: 'Plus size women worth ÂŁ10bn to the fashion industry'. Nothing compared to what they're worth to the Getting changed after my workout food industry... in the gym a black bloke started to get There's some thieving bastards where changed next to me. "Well I guess I I live. Last night someone stole my TV, will see if it's true what they say about Xbox, DVD player, all my porn, a big darkies" I thought as I went into the bag of weed and two bottles of vodka. shower. It was. I came out and the twat I wouldn't mind but I only left my cell had pinched my car keys and wallet. for five minutes.

I got asked if I would sponsor an Oh how times have changed. I used African child. They can fuck off. Have to spend my nights out ogling women. you seen how far they can walk with a Now I spend my nights in googling them. bucket?

I said to the wife that there's more bacteria in her flip flop than in a toilet.

She said I was being stupid and that it wasn't possible. I said it was because the dog had shit in them.

A study has found that white British schoolkids are less likely to enjoy reading than other ethnic groups.

Well, things are never as much fun if there's no challenge involved.

41

if they had a choice in the matter?"

"My gran once told me my grandad had a heart of gold. And that's why I'm in the cemetery at three in the morning, with a spade, Officer."

My speed date asked me if I was into conspiracy theories. "Yes!" I replied.

"Love them." "Great!" she responded. "I couldn't sleep with a man who didn't. Second question, who is your favourite Royal?" "Prince Trevor," I said. "He's the one they don't talk about."

In sex education class the teacher showed us how to put a condom on. It's funny, she left out the bit where the man begs for it not to be worn.

"Loved it, hated it, that one made me cry," my girlfriend said, browsing the DVD store. "Loved it, hated it, that one made me cry," I said, browsing the sex shop.

My GPS just told me to turn around. Now I can't see where I'm driving.

Say what you like about deaf people. But not blind

people, they can still hear you.

My wife and I made a list of 5 celebrities we're both allowed to fuck given the chance. My first pick was Jo Brand. "Why the hell would you want to shag her?" she asked. "It would be a nice to bang someone thinner for a change," I replied.

Tsk. Some women. You give 'em an inch...and they laugh at the size of your dick.

Police are investigating an episode of 'Bargain Hunt' filmed in Liverpool after both teams got their 3 items without spending any of their ÂŁ300 budget.

The wife suggested we try a bit of role reversal tonight, but no, not again.

Been there, done that, ironed the t-shirt.

Just wrote a book about drug smuggling, it's called Charlie Up The Chocolate Factory.

I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you. The more you have the longer you I think I need to invest in live. a thinner watch strap. I've Homeless man gets just tried to hail a taxi and life sentence for Murder. a fucking kestrel landed on That's one way to sort out it. your living arrangements.

Just picked the mutt up Senior personal ad: from the dog groomer's.

Mint condition: Male, Or hairdressers, as she 1947, high mileage, good calls it. condition, some hair, many new parts including "Dad, I'm not adopted hip, knee, cornea, valves. am I?" "Course not, son.

Isn't in running condition, Do you think anyone but walks well. would put up with you 42

I saw two teenage girls walking around Asda in their pyjamas today. I was so angry that I almost took the belt off my bath robe and strangled the pair of them.

I went to the doctor's this morning for a prostrate examination. "Don't be embarrassed", He said, "Taking trousers off is normal for this type of procedure."

"Erm...Ok", I replied, "Should I take mine off as well?"

Why do black kids enjoy playing out so much? They're inside much more when they're older.

My bank manager said to me, "Do you have a retirement plan?" I said, "Yes, I'm going to spend all my money on coke and prostitutes before my kids get their fucking hands on it."

I've smoked since I was 10, drunk 8 beers a night since I was 14, and yet I've still lived to see 4 grandchildren grow up.

One advantage of being a Liverpudlian.

Once a month I'm fucking horrible to my girlfriend. I mean, truly nasty. I'll call her a fat slag, throw the dinner she has made on the floor, and then when she tries to pay me a compliment I'll burst into tears before screaming 'bitch' at the top of my lungs. That'll teach her for being a feminist in search of equality.

I had to laugh last night, when my Asperger's' son spotted a spider on the hallway table. "A spider. Is that a spider?

Yes, that's a spider. Dad, look, a spider.

That's a spider." He said, calmly. "Am I scared of spiders? Yes, I'm scared of spiders. Kill it. I should kill it. Dad, I'm going to kill it. Dad, how do I kill it?"

"Here." I said, handing him a big heavy phone book. "Use this." He's still fucking reading it.

"What the fuck is in the washing machine?" asked my wife. "It sounds like a brick." "Oh, "I'm just washing my socks," I replied. "There's a pretty big load in there."

Three kids were up late in their tree-house chatting. The first kid says, "Last night, Daddy made me touch his snake!" The second kid says, "That's nothing, last night, Daddy made me kiss his snake!" The last kid sighs and says, "I wish my dad was a reptile enthusiast.

He just sticks it up my arse.

I was on a rollercoaster and I threw up all over the Muslim kid who was sat beside me. "Oh sorry mate, my stomach isn’t used to high speeds." "High speeds!" he shouted, "The ride hasn't even started yet."

The young black couple next door to me had a baby boy last week, and the poor little mite's been diagnosed with a very serious heart condition. There's a good chance he won't live long enough to see his first prison sentence.

A young Muslim boy started working for me today. I said to him, "This is complicated work, so I'll need you to put on your thinking rag."

My wife says the passion has gone out of our relationship. She really doesn't know how much I hate her.

My local sperm bank just told me that my semen is worth 2 pounds per ml.

Now I regret flushing so much of money down the toilet.

I just booked a Chinese Journey tribute act to sing at my funeral.

All together now "Don't stop bereaving!"

43

It must be awful being the parent of a young child in the North East at the moment. Imagine living with the fear that the next time your doorbell rings it could be Alan fucking Shearer dishing out free tickets to watch Newcastle.

Say what you want about Kim Jong Un, But his way of firing people is much more exciting than Lord Sugar's.

Only a few weeks ago we lost Ben. E. King and just this morning we have learned that B.B King has died. If I were you, I would grab a Burger King today whilst you have the chance.

Prince Harry says his time in the Army saved him from going off the rails, adding: "Bring back National Service."

Well, Harry, if National Service these days involves dancing naked in Vegas with loads of fit birds and flying an Apache gunship helicopter killing loads of Muslims‌ Where do I go to sign up?

Prince Harry says his time in the Army saved him from going off the rails, adding: "Bring back National Service."

Yeah, a lot of young men go off the rails if they grow up without their father around.

What’s the difference between Germany and Thomas Cook? Germany issued a genuine apology for gassing children.

When asked what he would use his large settlement from the Sun for Paul Gascoigne answered, "Well, I won't be squandering it on food and counselling or other shit like that."

Bono is delighted with the yes vote for gay weddings in Ireland. He can finally

get married to himself.

Eurovision go to Portugal for results and the girl giving them disappears.

Nothing new there then.

News. Riot police called to crowd disturbance in Dublin over votes to legalise gay marriage. In other news, Irish lesbians are fighting over the left over rubber bullets.

I'm confused by these Irish lesbians on TV. Isn't there usually an attractive one and an ugly one?

Brendan Rodgers - I'll go if the owners want me to. Yes you prick, that's how sackings usually work...

In 2004, Ireland became the first Country to ban fags in the workplace.

Now, in 2015 they give them equal rights.

A surgeon in Scotland has been investigated for using a rusty saw to amputate a leg. When asked why, the surgeon admitted that after 12 pints at the pub; it seemed like a good idea at the time.

A Muslim cleric has made the most ridiculous claim yet stating that masturbation will lead to pregnant hands in the afterlife. I think most Muslims will be safe though, they are too busy raping kids to be bothered about wanking.

Johnny Depp could be facing jail time for bringing dogs into Australia. I was going to take the wife to Sydney, but I'll not bother now.

And the winner of this years Britains Got Talent is.... ...Amanda Holdens tits!

44

BAR LIQUID. CABO ROIG. BAR MED. CABO ROIG. BLACK HORSE. CABO ROIG. BOBBY JOES. LOS MONTESINOS. BREAKAWAYS. PUEBLO PRINCIPE. C & G FABRICATIONS. LOS DOLSES. CANAL PRINT. RIOJA..

CARLS BAR. LOS MONTESINOS. COMPURED. LA ZENIA. CROESO INN. LA FLORIDA. DOMINOS. LOT ALTOS. EDINAS BAR. QUESADA. EL ALMACEN. TORRETAS III. EL MIRADOR. EAGLES NEST. EVOLUTIONS. LA FUENTE. EXPRESS INTERNET. TORREVIEJA. FRIENDLY BAR. URB HORIZONTE. G.T AUTOS. LOS DOLSES. GOSSIP BAR. RIOJA. GRACE’S BAR & GRILL. QUESADA. JOES PUB. QUESADA. KATIE REILLYS. RIOJA. LA MARINA LAVANDERIA. LA MARINA. LAS ROSAS. SAN MIGUEL. LOS LOBOS. VIA PARK III LEGENDS. FLEMENCA BEACH. MACEY’S. C.C. FLAMENCA BEACH. MACKLINS. VIA PARK III MASSEYS. BLUE LAGOON MOORES BAR. CABO ROIG.

NEWS EXPRESS. PUNTA PRIMA. OPEN ALL HOURS. LA ZENIA. PABLO’S. PLAYA FLAMENCA. PEPAS BAR. QUESADA. PIZZA EXPESS. QUESADA. PORTERHOUSE. RIOJA. QUESADA COMPUTERS. QUESADA. RAYZ BAR. EL RASO. RT’S INTERNET CAFÉ. LA RONDA. SALTS. QUESADA. SMARTSELL. VIA PARK II. SPORTING LIFE. LOS DOLSES. SPORTS BAR. FLAMENCA BEACH. SUMMERS BAR. EL GALAN. TABERNA EL NARANJA. VISTABELLA. TAVERN. VILLAMARTIN PLAZA. THE BAR NEXT DOOR. VIA PARK III THE GALLEON. QUESADA. THE NEW TAVERN. SAN MIGUEL. VISTABELLA CLUBHOUSE. VISTABELLA.

If you would like to advertise in or sell “the jester” Please Phone.

Debbie on: 693 542 761 (Orihuela North).

Graeme on: 966 764 403 (Orihuela South).

Paul on: 664 10 60 10 NAIL BAR & CUTTING CREW. QUESADA. (All bloody over).

You can now read “The Jester”. On line. Just go to our web page

www.jester-mag.com to see every issue of “The Jester” and even print out the pages you like. You can also see items that we could not put in “The Jester” due to size or the fact it contains moving images. Enjoy.

45

If you have a Charity and you wish to appear in “The Jester “ (F.O.C.) Please contact the editor on: 664 10 60 10 or e-mail: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk.

46

I am showing you this because you're getting older and I'm not sure if you remember what one looks like.

ENTER THE TUNNEL SAFELY!

GPS TO BE REPLACED WITH THE TPNS (TWO POINT NAVIGATION SYSTEM) You can now throw away your GPS, radar or magnetic compass.

Getting to where you want to go can now be achieved by using the new Two Point Navigation System (TPNS).

TPNS does not require passing satellites or any power source and looks attractive on any vessel.

Fittingly TPNS is more than twice the fun, as it can be mounted anywhere.

Join the growing band of happy navigators that find so much relief and satisfaction in using the Two Point Navigation System.

(Also available in black) *But that model OFTEN does not work*

47