Issue 67 August
Hello again Dear reader. I start this issue with an apology. The weekend before I was due to send this months issue to the printer I dropped my laptop with the USB attached and lost everything I had done on the magazine. So have had to put it together in a hurry. So if there are more mistakes than usual ‘I am sorry’. I have given myself a good telling off and when the missus get’s home I will expect a good spanking. Not for dropping the my laptop, it’s just I like that sort of thing. Right back to other topics. Don’t you just hate inconsiderate people? You know, the ones that put fuel in their car and then before going to pay decide to clear out the paper cups and sweet packets, whilst there is an ever growing queue waiting to get fuel. Or the couples that believe that the aisle of a supermarket is the ideal place for their fucking weekly chat, blocking anyone wanting to use the aisle for shopping, which seems to come as a complete surprise to these mindless fuck wits. Or the ones that after having their shopping scanned search through their pockets or hand bags looking for the means to pay as if it is the first time they have ever been asked to, grinning at all around like a gormless twit as if it is a fucking big joke I HATE HATE HATE
these fucking people. So I see Andy Murray is still a useless Scotsman, but his brother is a true blue Brit. Well done Jamie, you may have needed someone there to help you but at least you won something at Wimbledon, not like that prick of a brother. And well done England ladies in the Football World Cup. Good on you, you must be delighted, not only 3rd place but a welcome break from the washing and ironing too. Congratulations too to the Voyager Interstellar Mission. What a remarkable achievement. I have trouble taking a selfie let alone whilst travelling at thousands of miles a minute. Here is one of the early images sent back to earth. Unbelievable isn’t is?
We read “the jester”
Til next time. Take care. Ed.
The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.
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Dear Editor, My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day. It got a bit awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair. Tarquin. Brighton. Didn’t he even offer to take you out to diner? Ed. Dear Editor, Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call her fat once and she will never forget. That's because Elephants never forget. Trevor. San Pedro. Dear Editor, Statistically, you are more likely to get testicular cancer than winning the lottery. The chances are even higher if you're a man. Ian. Alicante. Thanks for the heads up. Ed.
outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day I go down on the street and tell the passers by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them. It works. I already have 3 persons following me; two policemen and a psychiatrist. Tim. Belfast. I am pleased you are making friends, you fucking nutter. Ed.
Dear Editor, If we'd known that they'd cause this much trouble we'd have picked the fucking cotton ourselves! Peter. Oxford. Dear Editor, I am trying to make friends
To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Paul: 664 10 60 10 or Graeme: 966 764 403 Please send your letters, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook. 3
I came home to find my wife shagging the window cleaner‌ was angry yet very impressed how they didn't fall off his ladder.
Despair. else is doing it. Now I sit What a Jamaican says on my dick until goes in a shoe shop. numb and then have a wank so it feels like I'm My friend was scared to giving someone else one. tell me that he went I just had one of those An old woman stopped streaking during a golf Tesco value pizzas. Or a me in the street and asked tournament today. He's slice of bread as its more now glad that he got that me to show her the best commonly known. way to get to the hospital. out in The Open. So I pushed her under a It's no wonder so many I'm not saying my missus bus. European countries are has hairy pits or anything First day of my levitation struggling when they drink but when she lifts her course today, and I went their beer at lunchtime arms up it's like she has straight to the top of the and their coffee at night. Don King in a head lock. class!! "I'm scared to death of Leroy, my 83 year old The inventor of dog walking through the park Nan's physical therapist, at night anymore with all has really helped her with treats has died earlier today. He was a good these Muslim raping gangs the arthritis in her hands. boy. Yes he was. that are about," said my You should see the grip wife. "You'll be safe," I she keeps on her purse said. "They're not allowed while he's around. to touch pork." I got fed up of doing that My wife's just like that girl thing where you sit on from Alton Towers. She your hand until it goes only wears half the fucking numb and having a wank shoes she buys. so it feels like someone 4
My son shocked me so much today by telling me he was gay that I just had to sit down. I thought it was safest. My wife keeps saying she married the wrong man‌ I think she may have a point. I was only in the church to mend the font. Fuck the Japanese. The only yellow people I trust are the Simpsons. The first close up photos of Pluto have returned to Earth from the edge of the solar system. John Terry's in one of them. Calling my new dog "shark" was a mistake. I've been banned from all my local beaches. As a child "morning glory" meant waking up with an erection in my pants. Now it means waking up with my face not in a gutter.
Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. Why do women have If you love someone set faces? So you can tell them free. Set them free which vagina you own! right now. This is the police and we have One of the lads on our you surrounded farm was given Two people have died the job of washing the in a suspected explosion lambs and brushing their fleeces. He's just been ar- at an industrial estate in Norfolk. Reports suggest rested for grooming virone had both heads blown gins. off whilst the other lost My wife swallowed sixty three arms. sleeping pills in a suicide BBC News attempt. I don't think her Germany urges heart was in it though, she paedophiles to come out washed them down with of the shadows. Sir Cliff coffee. Richard was unavailable for comment. New health fears for Michael J Fox today, as doctors inform him he may die from a heart attack long before Parkinson's can kill him. Hardly surprising though, the amount of sugar he puts on his cereal. "Twig" A Yorkshire toupee.
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questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. "I think You'd better hurry In football players can become eligible home now my son. My wife died a year to play for a country if they have been ago." there for more than 5 years. Does that Anti austerity protesters in Greece mean Maddie Mccann is eligible to have been throwing petrol bombs at feature for Portugal? police. Is it any fucking wonder they're As I knelt down by the gravestone I said, Dad, you are a great man. You've inspired me endlessly throughout my life." As he smiled at me I said, "Unlike our mother here, she was a bitch."
broke!
I have a trapped nerve in my elbow which in certain positions causes my hand to shake. Handy for foreplay with the wife, bloody embarrassing taking a piss at the urinals.
Tried out the Magicians sex position on my girlfriend last night. I was shagging her from behind, then without her knowing my mate took over and I ran out the house and waved at her through the front window. School pupils in Greece, entitled to free school meals, have had their lunch tokens replaced with an all day, all you can eat buffet service. Pupils may help themselves to as much chewing gum from under the desk as they like. Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid 6
of freedom, awarded to Bill Cosby at The White House, to be confiscated. George W Bush says he remembers waking up groggy when Bill visited, but fuck all about any medal. On a recent flight with my two crying kids, I was desperate to find a way to calm them down. But according to BA, those little kid-sized bottles of alcohol aren't actually for kids. They bloody worked though. Soon it'll be illegal for Americans to have a Confederate flag on the back of their pick-ups. Which will make it harder for aliens to know who to abduct.
My ex was so fat and disgusting that my mattress is now made of suppressed memory foam.
I said to this frumpy checkout girl at Marks and Spencer, "Would you like to join me for dinner on Sunday?" "Oh yes, of course I would," she replied. "Good, you can come round and cook my 'Two dine for £10' deal then." I said.
How bad is the NHS in Scotland? A woman lies seriously injured in a crashed car next to her dead boyfriend for three days. That's longer than she lasted after being moved to a hospital. Peter Andre has said that life with Jordan was a constant battle. He said "She always got really irritable whenever her vibrator ran out of diesel."
In a last ditch attempt to right Greece's financial situation, prime minster Alexis Tsipras Asked his entire population to go out and buy a euro millions lottery ticket last night in the Hope of winning the jackpot. All ten million tickets have been checked today and Camelot Has confirmed a winning ticket of 4.40 euros.
After hating my job, I found the courage and walked up to my manager and said "This job is shit, I quit" "Well I'll see you tomorrow", he replied. I fucking hate working at the job centre. "Caitlyn Jenner" is a hypocrite for saying we should "accept people for who they are". He was so unaccepting of himself that he had his own dick cut off. I don't understand the schools and sports competitiveness these days. I’ve just been and seen my son take part in The 100m Everybody Comes First Race… The Not Very High Jump… and The Shot Roll. The 'Book-keeper of Auschwitz' was finally brought to justice aged 94. He pleaded guilty to 5 Enid Blyton's and a Charles Dickens. The German libraries service don't fuck about. Campaigners are calling for the medal
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their past and are still ashamed of that whole period of their history. She replied, "It doesn't matter how long ago it was, they're all responsible" So I punched her in the mouth and said, "That's for Judas Iscariot, bitch!" The Greek people feel they have been shafted by being asked to pay more taxes, while being forced to reduce their public services, sell off their public assets like postal services, electricity companies and ports, pay more VAT, reduce pensions while being forced to retire a lot later. We would like to welcome the Greeks to UK economics.
Waking up in the middle of an operation was traumatic. But not as much as the realization I'd fallen asleep with a scalpel in my hand. The book keeper of Auschwitz has been jailed for four years for war crimes. That'll teach the fucker for not paying the gas bill. I've been banned from reading anymore Thomas the Tank Engine books because the wife says my obsession is ruining our marriage. The Fat Controller. 'I got bills, they're multiplying and I'm losing control.' A song from Grease or a song about Greece? I picked up a Jewish girl in a club the other night. When we got outside and she saw my Volkswagen she went off on one, saying "How can you drive a German car? They're evil people and can never be forgiven for what they did." I tried to reason with her and pointed out that the Holocaust happened over 50 years ago and nearly all the Germans responsible for the atrocities are now dead. I also pointed out that despite the current people of Germany not having anything to do with what happened all those years ago, they feel that it was a dark era in
A girl has been forced to move from Dundee because of people accusing her of snorting an old woman's ashes. The girl in question denies it, but close sources say she sniffed about half a gran. What do you call a pessimist? A well informed optimist. I saved a family of 4 Pakistanis yesterday that were drowning. As a PDF.
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wasn't as exciting as I'd imagined it to be. She fucking enjoyed it more than I did and asked for a date afterwards!
Wednesday Curry Night
I'll never understand women. I held open a door and all she did was start screaming and got sucked out of the plane. I met this woman online that has 5 kids all with different fathers, Sounded like a bit of a slut but I thought she'd be an easy shag, Turns out she's just a kidnapper. The Greek Government is getting so desperate, it is starting to respond to emails from Nigerian millionaires.
I was called back, two days after handing in my job application to join the police force. "We're impressed, Mr Parker, but there's an omission on your application," the sergeant interviewing me said. "You haven't answered question fourteen, what steps to take if you witness a fellow officer abusing a minority prisoner." "Oh," I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it." "Great, can you start Monday?" A man has been found dead on the Jeremy Kyle Show set. Police are at a loss as to who he is, as they'd normally identify a body via dental records. A wife has been hauled into court, accused of trying to poison her retired husband by mixing anti freeze and Lambrini. Floor cleaner or even bleach would be more humane, but using Lambrini is just evil. I once raped an Essex girl. It
The MPs got their 10% pay rise. Some are taking it, some aren't, others are donating it to charity. A spokesman said it is revenue neutral, as it is a one off adjustment funded by Charles Kennedy's empties. My wife says she loves cheese. But only on a plate apparently. George Michael is crack addict. No shit, Sherlock.
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Just seen a trailer for a new movie that is based around the true story of an entire nation of spongers, living on EU handouts. "Absorber The Greek" opens in London next month.
Macklin´s Welcome Inn. Via Park 3
Poker
It was my brother that introduced me to karate. Early one morning while I was still asleep.
Every Wednesday and Friday
A lorry on its way to a Glasgow depot has overturned on the M8, spilling its entire cargo of pre-packed salad bags onto the carriageway. The police have warned drivers to expect delays of up to four minutes, while he picks them both up.
Saturday 2pm
I got a text from my mate Mike earlier saying "Just got fired, my boss is such a ducking twat!" "Autocorrect?" I replied. "No" he said, "I threw a brick at his face and he ducked under it." "Trump is running for president? That's insane, the idea that a moronic businessman with a long record of dim-witted statements could become president of the United States" Said George W Bush. said
Prince Philip has been criticised for asking a volunteer at a community centre, "So who do you sponge off then?" Seems a bit like the pot calling the kettle black or, as Prince Philip would say, a bit like the coon calling the nigger a wog. Tim Farron is the new leader of the Lib Dems. For those of you asking "Who?" it's a political party.
Bingo Quiz
Sunday 9pm We now hold a Bookmakers Licence All sports betting legally available here! Winter Holiday". I therefore propose, in the interest of fairness, that Ramadan be rebranded "International Terrorism Week". I've just opened an adventure playground for Asian kids. Or as the local council prefer to call it, a rubbish dump. Rolf Harris is studying Japanese culture whilst in prison. He has lessons before breakfast every day. Samurais. Early in the morning. Up to 70,000 Muslims are expected to converge on a Birmingham park to celebrate Eid, the festival of thanksgiving to mark the end of Ramadan. The RAF have declared a 'No Flies' zone for the rest of Birmingham. Britain needs to build 140,000 new homes. Wouldn't it be easier just to kick out the fucking immigrants?
Many shops and councils have said they have embraced equality and political How does a Black woman know she correctness and said they will be calling is pregnant? When she pulls out the Christmas "The Festive Season" or "The tampon and the cotton has been picked. 10
All being well, my wife might be starring in a new TV series about a crew of nymphomaniac air-hostesses. She's just done the pilot.
I've invented a competition where pregnant women belly flop into a swimming pool from as high as possible. It's called "Survival of the foetus".
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I went to a Greek cashpoint earlier. After I typed my pin, a message came up saying COLLECT OR GAMBLE.
I was trying to tell my son about the importance of condoms. He just giggled and said, "I don't usually wear one." "Why the fuck not?" I asked sternly. "Because my boyfriend does." He said. Eurozone officials are in final talks with Greece about their proposed bailout.
The Germans are insisting on having Greece’s votes in the Eurovision Song Contest. A man has been arrested on suspicion of child neglect after a person allegedly attempted to sell a baby to a stranger at a Manchester shopping arcade. He would have had a quick fire sale in Rotherham or the BBC Offices. What a master stroke by eHarmony showing a camel on their new TV ad. They've never had so many Muslim men join. A van driver, involved in a crash with a Mini being driven by a woman, was stunned when his dashboard camera shows that she was using a rampant rabbit at the time of the accident. She must have skidded in the wet. Uncle Dave, remember when you used to tell me to put my hand in your pocket and get some money but there was none there, just a hole in your pocket? Yes I replied nervously. Well now I'm older, I know what you were up to, you wanted me to mend your jeans didn't you? Phew, close one!! Why shouldn't you fuck a fat bird with AIDS? What, you need a third reason? 11
My boyfriend doesn't know this but I put a pound in an envelope every time we have really good sex. The money I save up through the year will be used for his Christmas gift. So far, he's getting something from the pound shop.
That was amazing, I said, it's wonderful for a husband and wife to make such passionate love and come together in perfect timing. You are a fantastic lover and a wonderful husband. I just wish you were my husband.
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With just 50 metres left and the finishing line in sight, my husband ran out of energy and collapsed. The crowd tried to cheer him on, but it was no use. As he lay on the track, heartbroken and exhausted, I couldn't help thinking to myself‌ Maybe the 100m just isn't his event.
I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
wife and son as well. "Good morning, class. Today we are going to learn about diseases. Can anyone give me a sentence containing the word cancer'?" "I can, Sir!" I woke up in the middle of the night with sperm running down my legs, "God I'm so fucking unlucky," I said to my wife. "Why, whatever is the matter?" She asked. "I've just had my first wet dream in twenty years,� I answered. "So what's so unlucky about that?" She said. "You were in it," I replied. I've been a bit lonely recently so I started swing dancing. It freaks out anyone else in the playground though. London: The only city that runs more efficiently through a world war than through a tube strike.
My mate was in the pub with me, teaching me how to pick up girls. "First of all ask questions." He said, "Girls love to talk and it makes you seem interested." "OK." I replied, "What else?" "Well find a way to talk yourself up. But don't make it seem too obvious." "Anything else?" "Yeah girls love a guy with a big heart." He replied, "Mention an elderly relative, it makes you seem caring." "Great, thanks." I replied. So I turned to the girl next to me, "My Nan says I could get any girl I want. You going to make her out to be a liar?" My wife thinks I'm weird for inviting my 10 year-old sons' girlfriend around to our house for dinner. Apparently I should have invited my 12 A
Talk about double standards, I only lose the car keys and I never hear the end of it. Wife loses a baby and she’s a fucking facebook legend. "What was your blind date like last night, I heard she was a Muslim." "All I can say is, she had lovely eyes." My next door neighbour came round and said, "I'm so sorry about your wife, I've just heard about the car crash. Are you going to be ok?" "I'm fine," I replied. "The insurance company have given me a courtesy car." With the first rounds of the Europa cup having been played I started thinking that being in that competition is quite similar to riding on the smiler at Alton towers. You know where the first leg is but the second could be anywhere. So scientists have a new cannabis which has the medical benefits but not the hallucinogenic effects? That's going to sell like a vibrator that doesn't vibrate.
Scientists say that there's a connection between smoking and schizophrenia. Benson and Hedges is one bloke. As the wife ran her hands down my back.. I asked, "Is there a lot of tension?" "There is." she replied. I said, "I wonder why." She said, "Because you had sex with my mum."
I'm not saying I live in a pretentious area. But I have to ask the ducks if they prefer butter with their bread. News: Men masturbate on average once a day. Ah good, so I wasn't the only one to lie on the survey. I was sat at a red light in my car when this black guy pulled up next to me and started revving his engine. "Race?" he shouted. "White, now fuck off you black prick" I replied. Greece have prepared all of its pilots for a recovery mission after being told every cloud has a silver lining. 14
threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards. I'm sure that must have been a record. I was admiring a painting belonging to the old woman from next door when she said, "You can have it if you rub my fanny and grab my tits." Obviously I did; it was Monet for old grope. The Wife and I we're having sex the other day and I suggested she moan a bit, as I thought our relationship needed spicing up. She said, "You're shit in bed, the ceiling needs painting, when are you going to put those shelves up...........?"
Just after I woke up this morning my wife brought me breakfast in bed and gave me a blow job‌ and all I had to do was agree to get a divorce.
Jesus Christ opened the fridge. "Is it wine yet, Jesus?" one of the disciples asked. "No," replied Jesus, reading the bottle. "It says it's 'still water'."
A slapper who has a few quid goes to a plastic surgeon for a Vaginoplasty. Yes, I can do this," said the surgeon, "how tight "Will you please stop rushing me? I'm would you like it? " "Can you do Jewish? upset enough collecting my Mothers urn She answered. from the undertakers." "I'm sorry, love, but you've just reminded me that the Ashes are on." "Will you please stop rushing me? I'm upset enough collecting my Mothers urn from the undertakers." "I'm sorry, love, but you've just reminded me that the Ashes are on." I've been suffering from depression and making a lot of visits to McDonald's. I don't eat. I just look at the customers to feel better about myself. Cuba is excited to normalize relations with the United States. The people can't wait to see the new 1958 Chevrolets. I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and 15
Women are now objecting to the Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need term 'plus-size model' to mean someone better break-up lines: larger who does modelling. Considering Hey baby, are you being followed? the role McDonalds played in getting Because I've been seeing people behind them to this weight perhaps a more your back. appropriate term would be 'Super size'? Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship? Me and the girlfriend went out for lunch I didn't know angels flew this close to today. Money is a bit tight so after the the ground. Maybe that's because this meal she said, "Let's go Dutch." I said, angel's gained a little weight since we "Fuck that, let's go Greek!" and we both started going out. legged it. You and me love, we're like six balls in I was in Tesco yesterday and a Jew was cricket. OVER! at the counter paying with a credit card I'm leaving you on religious grounds. and she was taking ages. Under my I've decided to become a Jew, and you're breath I muttered, "Fucking Yid, hurry a fucking pig. up!" She turned round to me and said, "You couldn't have been any more offensive, you really couldn't!" So I took the bacon out of my basket and slapped her round the face with it. Little Johnny: I had a fucking brilliant shag last night Miss. Miss :- Please don't use such foul language Johnny. Little Johnny: Okay, I was just trying to say thank you Miss. 16
new Thai bride as well.
Don't fuck with me, I know Kung fu, Judo, Ju Jitsu .... and several other dangerous words. "Daddy, can you take my brain out?" said my 5 year old, pointing to my toolbox. "You can’t take your brain out sweetheart, you would die" I laughed. "Would mummy die" she asked. "No sweetheart" I said reassuringly, why do you ask such questions”? "Well I heard the postman say he’s going to screw mummy's brains out when you to work". We tried to deliver your parcel while you were out, please collect from sorting office. I was really looking forward to meeting my
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you're hungover. Then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now. Reading an article in the Rotherham Advertiser, about the most common names for 16-30 year olds in the town. Male - Mohammed Female – Nan. With all the sex I'm having lately, the weight's just dropping off me. I've had to get a smaller balaclava. A group of terrorists were watching a video of the bloke setting a firework off on his head and were laughing hysterically. "Typical fucking American." Said the leader. "They can't even blow themselves up properly." I bought a Greek yoghurt today. He said the thought was nice but could he have the cash next time. Every year, Muslims make a pilgrimage to Mecca and, every year, hundreds of them are killed during a stampede. So, you see? 17
Even Allah can't stand the fuckers. With Durex Pleasure Gel you can make any occasion special. Happy birthday Nan. I went to the swimming baths yesterday and said, "How much for two children?" The cashier said, "£4.80". I said, "Do I get to choose them or is it just a lucky dip?" They say that to be truly free, you should be able to dance like there's no one watching. All I can say, is that Michael J Fox has fucking nailed it. Find a penny, pick it up. Is how you become a quarter share owner of Greece. The fair is in town this week and as usual, I can't go because I'm too busy. Chasing fucking gypsies out my garden.
My house was burgled last night and I'm not exactly saying it was a Black guy that did it, but, put it this way, all my fried chicken and drugs were gone and the sun cream was left untouched.
My 7 year old son was in bed and he said "Dad, what happens when you die?" I said "Well, you know when you go to sleep and you dream and then you wake up?" "Yes" "Well, it's exactly like that, but without the dreaming and waking up parts... Night, son". I hate Nazi jokes. They make me Fuhrerious. Why do blondes like BMWs? Because they can spell it.
answering the question "Do you understand this question?" It's that time of year where the legs are out, asses in tight shorts and sun shining on beautiful bodies. I fucking love sports day. It's a Funny Old World with Jason Manford. Just imagine how much funnier it would be without him.
First they came for the blacks, and I didn't speak out because I wasn't black. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew. Then they realised that all the problems had pretty much been solved, so they stopped coming for people. So the No vote won... Mainly due to the Greeks 18
I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said "Toilets closed". 'Terse'. A vehicle used to carry the coffin at a Yorkshire funeral. "Your great grandmother picked that wedding dress for you." "I don’t fucking care," replied Leticia, "I'm not wearing cotton." My internet search for a blind, Asian, dwarf slut has yielded results! Apparently, ebay have some for sale.
My grossly obese wife had fallen into a deep diabetic coma and for weeks, had shown no sign of recovering. I was dreading the moment - which eventually came - when the doctor took me to one side and suggested we take away her life support. Suddenly, my wife's eyes opened and she sat bolt upright in her bed.. "Did someone mention takeaway?" I was excited when I went on a date with a girl whose middle name is 'No Angel' on Facebook, Until I discovered that the 'g' was silent.
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If anyone tells you men are lazy and women do all the work … just tell them to check who's sweating the most at the end of a porno. During a job interview yesterday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly, "Nervous"? Asked the interviewer, I replied simply "No, I always give it 110%".
lounge watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all My wife was getting ready to go out last over the house looking. I ran up into night.. "You can't wear that." I said. "I can the attic and searched, and down into see your tits under it." "So you can." She the basement. Then I went through said. "Do I need to wear a bra?" "Yeah, every closet and checked under all the perhaps." I replied. "Or a longer dress." beds. I kept this up until I had looked Two women meet in the afterlife. everywhere, and finally I became so Following is the conversation they had. exhausted that I just keeled over with a 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd both still be alive woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the 19
spent thinking about how they're slowly fucking killing me!!! I'm in a wheelchair at the moment and so I have to pee sitting down. I still put the toilet seat up afterwards though, just to piss the wife off. Our furniture goes back to Louis the fifteenth. Unless of course we pay Louis by the fourteenth. "Aw, look at those adorable pandas sleeping with their backs to each other, they remind me of me and you in bed," said my wife. "They certainly do," I replied. "They hardly Tottenham Hotspur are building a new ever fuck either."
state of the art 61,000 seater stadium. That's like giving Susan Boyle a boob job. My granddad was telling me how they used to have a black slave who could carry a bucket of coal on his erect dick. He wouldn't have had to, of course, if they hadn't cut his arms off for stealing an apple. The wife came home from her Weight Watchers class last night.. "Are you ok love?" I asked. "You look upset." "Got some bad news tonight." She began. "Julie from the group was hit by a taxi on her way home last week and died." "Jesus, that's awful." I consoled. "Yeah, and to make matters worse." She told me, "It would have been her birthday mid-week." "Aww, hell." I said. "That couldn't be more upsetting for you all." "Oh, it could." She said, bursting into floods of tears. "She was going to bring cakes in." My relationship with my baby daughter is the same as my relationship with cigarettes, for five minutes out of every hour I love them to bits and can't put them down. The rest of the hour is
If you ever feel useless then remember: It's somebody's job to fit indicators to BMWs. Chief Air Marshal of the RAF, Sir Jock Stirrup, has said that Allied air assaults on ISIS fighters would not be viable, as "We cannot identify those individuals who are ISIS." Simple solution, deploy French troops on the ground and then bomb the fuck out of whoever's not running away.
Idaho! Said the Jamaican prostitute.
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I'll put my hands up and admit it I've been behaving a bit like a self-righteous fucking twat all day. Or 'cyclist' as they are more commonly known. Many of you may not know, but natural disasters were responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Muslims last year. And more importantly, my wife chipped a fingernail this morning. The Catholics have got it all wrong. Of course God wants us to use contraception. That's the reason he invented anal.
Friday 7th 9pm Reggae/Ska Music Night With DJ Johnny Spliff Thursday 13th 9pm UK´s No 1 Elvis Tribute - Gary Jay. Friday 21st 9pm Live Music TBA. Friday 28th 9pm Northern Soul Music Night With DJ´s Mark Warne & Johnny F. Saturday 29th 9pm Hog Roast & Smurf Fancy Dress Summer Party
What do you call the stuff that comes out your penis when you catch an STD from somebody in the army? Dishonourable discharge. A young paralyzed boy has had his prayers answered by God. 'No', says God. There was a letter on my doormat this morning with the words "do not bend" on it. I thought, well how the fuck am I going to pick it up?
How many people does it take to change a light bulb? Less than would be required for a heavy one. My girlfriend is a campaigner against nuclear weapons. She won't even have them in the house. As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself. My Obese 10 year old son came home distraught and in tears complaining about his school and the Bullies that go to it. "They Bully me, everyone fucking bullies me even the teachers bully me it's so shit" he moaned. So I tried to comfort him and said "Stop your swearing lard arse and for fuck sake, just calm down and stop being so hysterical, because if you're not careful you're going to drop your packet of Haribo you Fat prick." 21
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Find and circle all of the words about Dogs that are hidden in the grid. The remaining 26 letters spell a secret message. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck. 22
I look in the mirror And what do I see? A strange looking person That cannot be me. For I am much younger And not nearly so fat As that face in the mirror I am looking at. Where are the mirrors That I used to know Like the ones which were Made thirty years ago? All things have changed And I`m sure you`ll agree Mirrors are not as good As they used to be. So never be concerned, If wrinkles appear For one thing I`ve learned Which is very clear, Should your complexion Be less than perfection, It is really the mirror That needs correction.
"Have you tidied up?" I asked my wife earlier. "Of course I've fucking tidied up," she snapped. "Who else does? Certainly not you, eh? No, definitely not you because YOU do fuck all around here. You don't do any of the cleaning, don't go near the cooker or look after the kids at all. Jesus, I can't even get you to walk the fucking dog. So yes, yes I've fucking tidied up." "Well, in that case, have you seen a sheet of paper I'd left out?" I asked. "It's got some plans on it that I'd drawn up." "Oh, riiight," she said, sarcastically. "Mr D I fucking Y and his clever-arsed ideas. No I haven't seen your stupid fucking plans." “Bloody hell," I groaned. "I was going to lay a patio in the garden." "A fucking patio?" she laughed. "Over my dead body." "Oh, so you HAVE seen my plans!" 23
My new memory foam mattress is shit, I think it must have Alzheimer's. A man attacked me with a breadknife last night. It would have been worse if the knife had been made of steel. If two feminists get drunk and have sex, were they both raped? I did a stand-up show the other night which the Jewish Chronicle labelled as anti-Semetic. As soon as I logged onto their website to find the review I thought: typical Jews. You have got to subscribe before they let you read anything.
I was telling my mate about me shagging I'm a store security guard and today I this bird up in Scotland the other ay. saw a black man in the shop. I watched He asked, "Where did you meet her?" him get his stuff and go and pay for it. I replied, "Lying on the M9 motorway." Assuming he'd paid with fake money, A slug crawled into the 'Shelter' charity I followed him out and challenged him. shop. Three hours later he came back My suspicions were quickly proven right out a snail. when he pulled a knife out of the bag and thrust it at me. Reacting fast, I beat If your wife has problems achieving seven bells of shit out of him before he orgasm try tickling her anus with a could hurt me. They're getting crafty canary feather after you have come. though, these niggers. This one had It doesn't work but the look on her disguised his knife as a receipt for the face is a good laugh. shopping. Keep your wits about you I visited Africa, Pakistan and China everyone. recently, and found the adverts on their telly channels are just like ours. They always have a token white person in them? I found a big lump on my balls today. It’s ok though I was Tea bagging the wife. Next week I'm going to dig a really deep hole in the back garden and fill it up with liquid gold. Midas well. What’s the difference between a whore and a socialist? A whore is honest about fucking for money. 24
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'It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye'. Alton Towers new advertising slogan is pretty honest. "I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!" "Wow, your dad's a millionaire?" "No, but he always wanted to be." Once again the time has come for 200 men to strap on some lycra and cycle thousands of miles through beautiful French countryside, up mountains and through the streets of Paris so we can find out who is this year's best drug dealer. A young boy on holiday with his mum in Scotland asks ' why is that man wearing a skirt'? The mum replies, it's called a kilt and the fur purse dangling at the front is a sporran. Oh says the boy, when you go to bingo Dad wears your kilts and rubs his sporran. I got a promotion at Sainsbury's the other day for massively increasing our fruit and vegetable sales. All I did was stick the bananas and the cucumbers next to the 50 Shades DVDs.
I hate how some people act so high This female stripped off and started and mighty when they say they've never to go down on me when she suddenly smoked a cigarette. I've never sucked a recoiled.. "Ugh, fucking hell, that's guy off but you don't hear me bragging disgusting." She said. "What's that foul about it. taste?" "I don't know what you mean." It's a real shame we can't spin the world I replied. "I've just had a shower." "Yeah, in the opposite direction. Then maybe that'll be it." She said, pulling her burka North Korea, China and Japan could deal back on. "Soap." with this ISIS bullshit? Camilla Parker-Bowles has finally given 22 counties in Alabama are refusing up smoking. Obviously struggling, she to issue gay marriage licenses on was asked how many days has it been the grounds that they believe in the so far. She stamped her foot three times. traditional marriage of a man and his sister. What do Africans and bikes have in common? They both work better with Russell Brand. About as useful as a chains on. gammon steak in a Muslim restaurant. 27
her sexy underwear on it can only mean one thing. She's fallen behind with the washing. If you can stay calm whilst those around you are losing their heads, you qualify to join Isis.
I get ignored so much, I've considered renaming myself Terms and Conditions. My wife went swimming while jaundiced, it was okay till she put her goggles on, then she was swamped by kids. They had never seen a real full sized minion before.
guns are well worth the money. Living in Greece now is like being a tampon. You are in a great place during a bad period.
I bumped into Rod Stewart earlier today and I asked "What was that record that you sang that was later covered by I think we have been Everything But The Girl?" harsh with stereotypes He replied "I don't wanna on blacks as I saw about talk about it" I said "Fuck 10 actually working today. off then, you arrogant You got to love prick!" Community Service. Whenever my wife puts I've just been offered a cheap immigrant for sale. Seems he fell off the back of a lorry.
Oral B. The sluttier, and lesser known member of the Spice Girls. Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection, she fell at my feet. These taser 28
I just called my mum to ask if she would have my kids. She replied, "Okay, but don't blame me if they turn out to be spastics." I haven't seen my wife in a week, my whisky bottle is empty and now security is throwing me out of the hotel. Looks like the honeymoon is over. Girls greet each other normally the way I'd greet a mate I thought was dead. My fat wife got the electric chair in Nevada. Las Vegas has never been so dark. Twice: So good they named it twice.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners." "Get lost!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money," and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over the hallway carpet. He continued, "And if this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat what's left." "Well," the old lady said, "I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because the power got cut off this morning." There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?" "Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you." "OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab. He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?" "No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead." How come you never hear a woman jokingly reply "not that I know of" when they're asked if they have any children?
What's the worst job in the world? Pushing a disabled suicide bomber around in his wheelchair. I'm absolutely stunned to read that fifty coppers have been arrested as suspected paedophiles. I used to always tell my children that if they were ever lost, to find a policeman. But not anymore. Now, it's if they're horny. Apparently, "I took the dog for a walk" is the wrong way to tell someone about an evening stroll I had with the wife. "Does it have much leg room?" I asked the car salesman. "Yes, lots," he said, opening the passenger door. "I meant in the boot," I said. 29
I see the Secret Service is adding metal spikes to the top of the White House fence to deter jumpers. It's the latest in security technology from 1325. A pair of whales were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship capsized and quickly sank. However, the whale realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were now swimming to the safety of shore. The male was pretty angry that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "What's the matter, Darling?" "Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen". My dad always told me to never believe anything I read on the internet. Thank god! The e-mail he sent me saying that mum had died had me worried. You can now legally break into a car to save a dog from dying in the heat. I've already been involved in one incident yesterday morning. I went into the supermarket for twenty minutes and came back to my car to find the windows smashed in. The guy who smashed my windows said, "You left your dog in your car in this heat? You
should be ashamed of yourself." I replied, "I don't have a dog." He said, "Well, what's that?" I replied, "My wife." Teacher: what do you get when you have 10 sweets and you give 2 to someone else? Student: 10 sweets Teacher: ok, what do you get when you have 10 sweets and someone forcibly takes 2 sweets off you? Student: 10 sweets and a dead body. I thought the man who was sat next to me on the tube might have been a terrorist. But then I remembered that terrorists were incredibly organised individuals who plan their attacks down to the finest detail. "He can't have been, then", I thought. "The stupid fucker's got off and forgotten his back pack". I'm sweating like an advancing Frenchman.
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An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have got an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
software for my other half, when she asked how it was doing. I replied, '50%' She said, 'Is that 50% done, or left to go' And she's allowed to fucking vote. Things aren't going too well in parts of Europe. Ethiopians are now sponsoring Greek kids. Did you hear about the tragic heatwave in Pakistan? Only 800 of the fuckers have died. Shooting an apple off someone's head is a lot easier than getting your shotgun license back afterwards! I said to this prostitute, "Can I do you Greek style?" "Sure," she said. So I shagged her up the arse and fucked off without paying. Dwarf porn is just paedophilia for cowards.
I went to church and sat in the confession box, then spoke regretfully of how I had committed terrible acts of paedophilia. "Why are you telling me this, Father?" said the woman. Somewhere, there's a turf war going on between skeletons and secret gays. I've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil. Earlier I was downloading some 31
My wife came home early and caught me dressed up to the nines in her clothes. Blonde wig, make up, jewellery, the works. She cried and cried her eyes out. But only because I looked better than she did. The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load. Definition of pushing your luck, letting you wife give you a blow job when she is on a weight watchers diet. My son asked me for homework help to describe the difference between 'being' and 'doing'. I looked up from the tennis and said "Look at Maria Sharapova. Most women wouldn't mind being her, whereas most blokes wouldn't mind doing her". After having sex with the same woman for thirty years I think it's time for a change. I'm going to start shagging the wife. My girlfriend came to me in tears today. She said, "I bought a kitten yesterday and it died today." I replied, "Look on the bright side. At least if you put it on eBay, you might get a few quid if you put it under 'Spares and Repairs.'" Yeah, I'm single now.
than that." "I'm not surprised" says I, "That there's a lunatic asylum." A trucker going from Melbourne to Perth picks up a hitch-hiker. After a while the hitch-hiker says he's tired and lays down in the truck's "sleeper" compartment for a rest. A while later the hitch-hiker is woken up by the noise of the truck running over something: "BASH!, BASH!, BASH!". "What's all the racket?" he asks the driver. "Oh, I just hit an Abo." "But, what was all that other noise?" "Well, I had to go over two fences to get the bastard." My first day in prison wasn't as bad as I expected. Everyone seems really friendly. As I left the shower I saw a little white guy picking up the soap this huge black guy had dropped. ...And the black guy said he'll see me tomorrow. Which I thought was nice of him. I bet Demi Moore regrets using Michael Barrymore's party planning services.
I phoned the butchers today and Lionel Richie answered. "Hello," he said, "Is it meat you're looking for?" I overheard a Yank boasting about how everything is so much bigger in the States, so I proceeded to point out a lovely country mansion with beautiful grounds and asked his opinion on it. "Man, we've got places like that all over the states and each one of them is at least 10 times bigger 32
horse?" Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." The Kiwi gets even more shocked. Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" Horse: "Yep." Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Now the Kiwi has a look of total amazement on his face. An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your Zealand walks into a small town and sheep?" sees a local sitting on his porch patting To which the Kiwi replied, "The sheep's his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun. a fucking liar." Ventriloquist: "G'day bloke! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?" Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?" Dog: "Doin' alright." The Kiwi gets a look of extreme shock on his face. Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at the Kiwi. Dog: "Yep." Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." The Kiwis expression of disbelief doesn't change. Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your 33
the English language! My God, you must be absolutely thick as pig shit! Fuck me. How old are you?" "Four" she said, crying. Anyway long story short, I'm no longer a nursery teacher.
After a pikey wedding caused a mass riot recently, the best man ended up in court. In front of the judge, he was trying to explain the traditions of a 'Romany' wedding: Pikey Best Man: "Well, it was like this, your honour: as it is a custom for the best man to have the first dance with the bride, which I was, nice and close like, the groom comes over and kicks the bride in the fanny as hard as he could." Judge: "Gosh that must have hurt." Pikey Best Man: "Hurt? You're not kidding me - he broke three of me fucking fingers." A "Back to the Future" bar advertised 1985 prices to celebrate the 30th anniversary. I ordered a beer and got 15p change from a ÂŁ20 note. After the debt crisis in Greece, the Greek Government have confirmed that living in the past was their Achilles heel I was sat minding my own business the other day when some girl comes up to me and says "Excuse me. How do you spell Apple?" "Apple?" I said. "That's one of the easiest words in
Tried to buy a new phone today. The first one available in white had camera features such as sport shot, portrait shot, night shot and multi shot. The black one just had mugshot. My Nan has been trying frantically to get my Grandfather tickets to see Elvis for his birthday. Silly cow doesn't even realise he's been dead years. I'm pretty sure Elvis has passed away too. My local radio station promised me a free plug for my website. And they delivered. Although a 3 pin, 15 amp one, wasn't quite what I had in mind. My wife and I were in Paris, when I said, "Hmm that rings a bell." "What?" she asked. "That," I replied, pointing at the little hunchback.
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I always worry about catching diseases from dirty water. That's why I only ever drink water which has been sterilised with alcohol. All these ISIS terrorists, claiming it's in the name of religion. I bet none of them have ever set foot in a church in their lives. An Essex girl is set to marry the love of her life. The night before the wedding, her mother (who belongs to an older age) counsels her: "Make love as you please, but if he ever asks you to turn around... just say no." After a year of happy marriage, her husband said: "Tonight, I want you to turn around" "No! My mother has forbidden it." "But dear... don't you want to have My girlfriend said to me, "All your mates children?" slag their wife's off, I'm so glad you don't Thai girls are like dogs. Fiercely loyal talk about me like that." I said, "Of and they can lick their own balls too. course I don't, we're not fucking married yet." A man has been awarded five thousand pounds from the police in an out of court settlement for wrongful arrest on drugs charges. His solicitor said, "I can't believe the police got it so wrong. He's not even half caste, never mind black." Can't understand all this about women being shit with cars. Just the other day, my wife managed to completely disassemble and take apart her car's engine. She had a bit of help from a lamppost though. Casting four women for the remake of an 80s film classic is a huge mistake. We want Ghostbusters, not Dustbusters. 35
"Selfie stick wanker," I shouted. "It's a walking stick, you twit," replied the disabled midget.
My brainy son has informed me that an item is in fact made up of every colour apart from that which it appears to be. It can take 400 years for a plastic action Accordingly I now see black people in an entirely different light. figure to decompose. Michael Jackson must still be in mint, in box condition! A man has been found dead in Demi The best thing about lending someone Moore's swimming pool. The police it your time machine is that you get it back may have something to do with her cousin Barry Moore. straight away. Remember when Mulims were Sinbad and his band of merry sailors watching belly dancers? When did Sinbad join ISIS and force the belly dancers to wear black bathrobes and bee keeper helmets?
I was just about to shag this dirty old prostitute when the door went. It was a gypsy. "Can I tell your fortune sir?" she asked. "No thanks I replied, "but have you got any pegs?"
I was really enjoying my holiday in France this year, sampling some great You might not think it to look at her, culture and wonderful food and drink. but my wife hasn't always been a big fat, It was okay until I ordered a beer in a unhealthy woman. She was once a big roadside bar, had a swig and gagged. fat, unhealthy child. I said to the barman, "What the fuck is "Would you like a cigarette?" asked my this?" He replied, "Fosters." I took it friend offering the packet to my wife. outside and threw it into the road. "No thanks I've given up" she replied I'd just like to say sorry to the bloke "When was that?" he asked. "About 7 on the bike with the yellow shirt I stone ago" I replied. accidentally soaked.
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It's been reported that George VI, on meeting Hitler pre-war, said, "He seems really decent." To be honest, I thought that when I married my wife but she also turned out to be an evil dictator. Haikus are easy But sometimes they don't make sense Refrigerator So, I've just been diagnosed with HIV. My doctor has advised me to remain positive. Can't see how that's going to help. A frustrated wife buys a pair of Crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband whilst sipping a glass of wine. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks, "Are you wearing Crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God I thought you were sitting on the cat." He never saw the wine glass coming ... My wife is away to the shop to look at a new patio today. Now if she doesn't check what it looks like from underneath, she's wasting everyone’s time.
1. Someone told me that pretty much everything I've been told or leant is wrong and a lie. 2. I got married. I got into my time machine on a freezing cold morning and the fucking thing wouldn't start. I'm in the shit now, I needed to be in work by yesterday. "Would you have sex with the lights on, or is that too kinky?" I asked my new girlfriend. "No, that's not kinky at all," she replied. "Great!" I said. "You stand there with your arms spread and I'll go and get the Christmas tree lights. Two Essex girls were chatting and one asked 'did you enjoy your 18th'. The other said 'No, I was worn out after the 17th guy’. I love to make people jump. If you do too, all you need is a trampoline and a knife. My Wife was breast feeding in the local shopping mall today and people walking past were making comments on how disgusting it was in public. My wife's not shy and my mate and I like the taste so fuck them.
I’m looking forward to that new cop programme based in Newcastle. Howay 5-0 will be hitting our screens shortly... Last night I was chatting with the barman about our respective wives. I said, "My wife's amazing, she never stops me having sex." He said, "Is she a nymphomaniac?" I said, "No, severely disabled." Two things happened to me this week. 37
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arms around, and my hands barely touched. "Get the fuck off my ankle!" She screamed. I made a Muslim finger puppet today, whilst having a shit. My finger went through a sheet of toilet paper. The England Women's football team summed up every date I have ever had. Teased for 90 mins, finished self off and then fucked off home. The leader of the Tour de France, Chris Froome, claims a man accused him of doping and hurled urine during Saturday's race stage. Luckily, Chris managed to collect most of the piss and will submit it for his next test. Why do ISIS suicide bombers wear masks when being photographed? It's not like we'd recognise them afterwards.
"Nice greyhound; fast as well. Have you considered racing him?" asked this bloke in the park. "No, not really," I replied. "I'm far too unfit and out of condition."
How many electricians does it take to I arrived 10 minutes late at my doctors change a light bulb? Only one, but this wiring is dangerous and the whole for an appointment for my premature ejaculation. The doctor asked me what house needs doing really. caused my delay. I said 'I would have I like to think of myself as harsh but been on time, but I came in my car'. fair. Ugly as fuck but my hair is nice. Greece. Setting a world record for most Bank Holidays. Today I was shocked at the reports in newspaper that Britons would be a minority in their own country by 2070. I thought it'd be sometime around 2025. Gay Divorce Court is going to be fucking hilarious. I remember the first time I cuddled my fat wife. I put my 39
Serena Williams vs Novac Djokovic might not be much of a contest in tennis, but in Ultimate Cage Fighting it would be the bout of the century. That was the most emotional I've seen Serena Williams since she got the chair at the end of The Green Mile.
She's gorgeous. How Serena managed to concentrate on her tennis with an erection is beyond me. I'm loving living back at home lately. I can watch porn all day and I don't even have to turn the volume down. My mum thinks I'm watching tennis. Andy Murray is to be sponsored by 'Pritt Stick'. Great on paper, shit on any other surface. Never date a tennis player; to them love means nothing.
The World tennis number one Novak Djokovic says he will personally apologise to a ball girl that he made cry. 'It's my fault entirely' he said 'next time I'll use some of the BBC endorsed lube'.
Watching a documentary about gorillas using a branch to catch ants out of a hole in a tree was amazing until I changed channel and saw one hit a green ball back and forth with a stringed wooden bat.
Maria Sharapova needs to stop all this screaming. One of these days she'll be getting murdered and nobody will bat an eyelid. According to a TV commentator, there Spent an afternoon in bed with my wife is "Nothing more painful than going out watching the women's tennis action at Wimbledon. She commented that there of Wimbledon live on TV." That's an absurd exaggeration, what about a paper was a huge gap between the women's number 1 and the women's number 2. cut on the bell end? Which kind of ruins my normal excuse Andy Murray is going to need more of claiming it slipped in by accident. than a semi if he's going to Roger Federer. BALL BOYS SUFFER IN HEAT AT THE TENNIS. I must be absolutely shit in bed. I shagged Maria Sharapova up the arse and didn't hear so much as a peep out of her. Dogs don't understand tennis. Specifically, why nobody wants the ball. Hearty congratulations to Serena Williams on beating G. Muguruza in the final of Wimbledon. I mean have you looked at Muguruza? 40
not using indicators is totally uncalled for. Why only today I saw one with all four flashing at once while he was parked on a pavement blocking a wheelchair ramp while he made a phone call and ate his lunch. If I had a pound for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be asking people why they keep giving me pounds. My neighbour Mohammed was telling me his wife has been advised to stop smoking filter-less roll-ups. "By the doctor?" I asked. "Because of her health?" "No, the fire brigade. Because of her beard."
Thursday Steak Night
My girlfriend's always complaining that I don't take proper care of my dog. So, this morning when she told me he needed a bone I thought I'd score some brownie points and give his balls a tickle but she hit the fucking roof! How many intelligent children does it take to change a light bulb? 11 plus. I think my hearing specialist has a food problem. She just told me to whisper sweet muffins in her ear. Terrorists don't scare me. I'll hit them with my minutes silence. Me and my scouse girlfriend are like chalk and cheese. I'm white, she's orange. The mechanic was just finishing the blondes car service when he said to the apprentice, "Just pass me the lubricant will you please Tim." "Oh dear, " said the watching blonde, "can't I just pay cash?" All this nonsense about BMW drivers 41
Had a go at the eHarmony free trial the other day, but they cancelled my membership. When asked how I typically cope after a really bad day, "A marathon wanking session on Pornhub" wasn't an appropriate answer.
I take my hat off to all the me, even kids want a
immigrants who come to live in this country. I've got, 'Fuck off back home' tattooed on my head.
'MAN IN MANCHESTER TRIES TO SELL BABY' Sounds like City are done with Sterling already.. My wife said she will pack her bags and leave me if I don't do more to help her. So I got her suitcases from the wardrobe. Every time I pour a round of drinks, it goes all over the place. I think I need glasses.
you've done while drunk is‌ Don't say "you". Special Branch have raided the 'You've been framed' offices, after Fergie confesses to just wanting to make a few quid from a family video. I ran down the platform trying to catch the train thinking 'I'm sure I put the brake on.'
I was watching the film, 'A Perfect Murder,' with "Is it okay if I tie Mum up my wife, and she told me while she's sleeping?" my she was getting scared. son asked me. "Best knot," "Is it the storyline?" I said. I told him. "Not really," she replied. Head lice‌ Who knew "Just stop taking notes." that lice had a hierarchical I think women are like structure. trees. They offer shelter, I've just been fired by provide food and are nice Pepsi. I tested positive to look at. Also, they fall for Coke. down if you hit them with For the sake of a quiet life an axe. if your girlfriend ever asks Self-harming: what the worst thing A shortcut to happiness. Pay rise nowadays".
I was on a camping trip with my girlfriend. She awoke me in the middle of the night and said, "I think there's people outside our tent." "Of course there are." I replied, "We live on a highly populated planet." The newspaper read "Child rapist strikes again". I thought "Fuck 42
How to write a joke for “the jester� magazine: 1. Originality counts for nothing, start with an old joke: q. what did the zero say to the eight? a. nice belt 2. Now change it so that the duplicate checker doesn't pick it up q. what did the zero say to the eight? a. nice belt. 3. Next, add a crime: q. what did the zero say to the eight? a. I used to have a belt like that, but someone stole it. 4. Now spice it up with some racism q. what did the zero say to the eight? a. I used to have a belt like that but some nigger stole it. 5. And finally, a joke is not complete unless you claim to have Maddie q. what did the zero say to the eight? a. I used to have a belt like that but some nigger stole it and Maddie has chewed through my other one trying to escape.
A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is. "I washed it and it's drying on the line." The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud. "Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?" His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!" My girlfriend just got two kittens, a black one and a ginger one. I don’t know which one to hate most. "Must you really lick the knife?" "Sorry, force of habit," I said, "Loads of people do it though, don't they?" "Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor." Earthworms are vampires. I found one that had shrivelled and died in the sun, so I buried it. When I dug it up the next day, it was alive! But then it died in the sun again. What's the difference between being confident and being cocksure. Ones probably gay. "We're the 'Pedo Boys' around here," said my mate in the canteen. We really need new nicknames in the torpedo room. If I've learnt anything in my lifetime it's that opinions are like arseholes. Everyone has one, but some peoples are shittier than others. If millions of German families supporting millions of Greek people that do not work is called a bailout, what do you call one German family supporting one Greek bloke that doesn't work? The Royal Family. All of those who think the Queens actions were harmless raise your hand.
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The nine-year-old Filipino boy, whose photo of studying under faint light from a McDonald's window has gone viral and won him international sponsors, was recently asked what was the biggest motivator behind his incessant yearning for learning. He said he routinely used to observe the plight of the employees through the same window and didn't want to end up working there. One dead and one on life support after police in Scotland responded to a crash 3 days after it was reported. Nicola sturgeon said "since the new powers the improvements are there for all to see". Bill Cosby has admitted in court that he gave one woman drugs to put her to sleep so he could have sex with her but not to the others that he assaulted. They all just fell asleep listening to his jokes.
Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed and Mohammed are said to be "safe and well" with Islamic State. Everyone seems to have forgotten that the French regularly used the Nazi salute in the Second World War. The only difference is, they used both hands. Pictures of the Queen practicing a Nazi salute as a child have emerged. "I knew she was the one for me, as soon as I saw them" said Prince Philip. If Donald Trump is elected US president, Will he leave America for a younger country? I would hate to be a soldier after hearing about the latest royal scandal. All those years of training and now they have to learn a new salute.
Someone from Subway, taken in for questioning? About time. See how they like it!.
We finally have photographs of Pluto's largest moon; Charon. Ozzy Osbourne won't stop yelling about it.
Solar Impulse, the aeroplane that is powered only by the sun, has landed in Hawaii after making a historic 7,200km flight across the Pacific from Japan. Pilot AndrĂŠ Borschberg, on being asked what
I see that Iran's president prematurely announced the nuclear deal before it was official. Brilliant. The bloke who almost had nukes accidentally hits "Send." So now we know how high the snow was at Balmoral in 1932.
he'd learnt during the 118 hours in the air over the ocean said, "Blue is no longer my favourite colour".
An elderly man has died trying to help kids from drowning off the Welsh coast. The lesson from this must be to teach them to swim when they're lambs. A UK family of 12 who went missing from their home in Luton have been found. Mohammed, Mohammed, 44
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The SAS are training their Special New highly secret horseback battalion.
And here is one of them testing the undercover disguise.
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