Village
Building Material :
Building
Your Village WRITTEN BY SARAH WEBB
Montana State University’s beloved Chrysti the Wordsmith reported on my radio one morning that the verb “parenting” entered our collective vocabulary firmly in the 1970s. What was once a role within a family system became an action to perform. And what a performance it has been over the last 50 years. The inception of the noun “parent” in the 16th century described a role that a person either was or was not, implying an exclusively biological relationship to a child, thereby limiting the role and identifying biological connectivity as most valuable. Prior to that change, adults were referred to as “elders,” a title that endures in cultures that celebrate family and community interdependence over independence. Why the focus on linguistics and history? I get a LOT of questions from parents asking, “Why am I so overwhelmed?” Reviewing this history of the evolution of family life can help us answer this question. The fierce independence of immigrants and aggressive takeover of Native land during colonization was just the beginning of the struggle of the American family, setting the stage for devolution into disconnection, competition and pervasive loneliness. After World War II, economic stability and peace fostered a new economic reality, freeing many children from work responsibilities. Parents were charged with fostering a carefree existence, which later served as a point of advocacy, positing that American children should enjoy the right to well-being and, equally importantly, a kind of innocence. As economic stability grew into wealth, the ability to cultivate the “perfect” childhood and pave pathways to success evolved from a privilege to an expectation. As dual-income households became the norm rather than the novel, salaries 16
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were prioritized to pay for all of the registrations, applications, tuitions, experiences and stuff that was supposed to lead our kids down the path to the American dream. But as we seek “the best” for children, we have developed a mindset of scarcity, where we believe there is not enough to go around, fueling the present-day environment of divisiveness and inequality. This evolution of family is more distinctly the story of white Americans. The competition and scarcity has motivated groups with power and privilege to maintain structures serving white Americans over Black, Hispanic, Native and immigrant Americans. Ironically, these disenfranchised sectors of American society have leaned into a communityfocused lifestyle from which there is so much to be learned and honored, even as evolving pressures add to the stress of oppressive systems. Parenting expectations are hard to ignore in the face of responsive rhetoric that sounds something like “Don’t you want the best for your children?” But the pandemic has distinctly taught us that these expectations are unsustainable. The truth is that we all need to closely examine the value of these expectations put upon us, and clarify and define what is healthy for our own children and family. I propose we reinvest in the value of simplicity and connectivity as core family values that build the strength of our communities. By valuing connectivity, we open the door to prosperity not only for ourselves, but also for our neighbors. Every child born is the future of that community, and we need to care about her well-being. Take a moment to consider your village. Oftentimes, those villages are not supportive or engaged enough, and some are even toxic and abusive. I invite you to consider these ideas on how to intentionally build a village that is supportive, engaged, nonjudgmental and respectful of your values and boundaries.
» Believe that you don’t have to do parenthood on your own. Also believe that you can
define that community, or even redefine family that does not need to be related by blood.
» Accept help from others. Keep a list of tasks that would be hard to complete in times of stress: snow shoveled, food delivered, laundry done, groceries picked up, animal care, etc.
» Get comfortable with vulnerability and authenticity. Honestly, we don’t have time to be small for others anymore. Being vulnerable and fully yourself can potentially be uncomfortable. Deep breaths through it. There is magic on the other side.
» Commit to the concept of “enough.” Identify and commit
to the care you need to be well. Identify where you have enough or abundance. Simplify your schedule and your consumption. Only when we experience abundance can we give to others.
» Watch for opportunities for matchmaking and opportunities to help. Connect people in your life that might be able to help each other out or enjoy each other. Watch for those whose lives seem to be off kilter and offer a specific task. Please do not say, “Let me know if you need anything.” Rather, say “What can I do for you!”
» Connect in person. I am well
aware of the possible logistical difficulty of this idea in a pandemic. However, there are parks, walking paths and front porches where small numbers of people can engage safely. Social media is not the answer.
Sarah Webb, LCSW is the owner of Webb Counseling, PLLC in Bozeman.
