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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
March 4th, 2020
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ PLEASE VOTE FOR ME, I'LL DO ANYTHING
CENTRISTS FUSE TO STOP BERNIE SANDERS RICHARD HERTZ POLITICAL ANALIST
Washington D.C.- Following Sanders meteoric rise into first place at the beginning of this election cycle, centrists have gotten quite nervous about the future of the party. His success has prompted moderates to call for consolidation and solidarity, status quo at all costs. Joe Biden has long been thought to be the moderate front runner, however doubts about his ability and record have largely been a concern. However, Biden’s success in South Carolina has given the establishment hope that it may not be too late to “save” their struggling political alignment. Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg both joined the race in order to contest Biden’s spot as the centrist to beat Donald Trump; however, lackluster election
performance and Super Tuesday projections have led them to drop out and back the former Vice President. Well, it has appeared to have gone even further than once thought. In a display of identity politics of the highest degree, the moderates have called in the help
of the dark arts in order to trump the socialist Sanders. In a suprise horrifying press conference, the newest presidential candidate emerged onto the stage in California. Joe Montgomery Klobugieg addressed the crowd in a chilling Continued on Page 2
LET IT FLOW LET IT FLOW LET IT FLOW
RUTGERS ANNOUNCES TAMPON BRAND: SCARLET STOPPER HARRY NUTSAAC IT'S SHEDDING SEASON
We didn't think that Rutgers could slap a giant R on yet another product, but they've done it, they've fucking done it. Very soon, Rutgers will be rolling out their own brand of tampons and, after the chosen color of RU, they'll be named Scarlet Stoppers. The Medium was able to get some of these tampons early, before they hit the shelves of Barnes and Noble, and we gotta say, they really are something. The individual package for each tampon is absolutely covered with R's and "The Worst State School of New Jersey." As if this wasn't amazing enough, each one is rigged so that when the package is opened, a soundbox in the tampon
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shouts, "R U RAH RAH!" I personally don't think that the designers thought this part through, but it appears they really dropped the ball on this whole thing: the actual cloth of the tampon itself is dyed red, to match the Rutgers color. Kinda makes it a little tricky to determine how effective it would
be, in my opinion. In fact, the warehouse Rutgers used had difficulties sorting between tested tampons and new ones, so let's hope you don't get a box of used tampons. However, to counteract whatever negative press Rutgers is sure to get from Continued on Page 2
Shidding and Farding Since 1970
Medium and Targum Neck and Neck in Sales Mom Says We Can Get Zoo Pals Just This One Time
