Wednesday, March 4th, 2020 themedium.submissions@gmail.com
FEATURES “I'm having a party that's BMTP- Bring Me Tortellini, Please.”
UMMM ACTUALLY
Top 5 Things You, as a Woman, Need Mansplained to You By Manles Manson
1. Your Period - A period is the result of the uterus (pronounced ‘ootirus’) exploding violently. It is disgusting. 2. Politics - Listen to me! I know how the Electoral College works. I have 3 degrees from their graduate school. 3. How to Pee - Make sure to breathe in through the nose and out through the vagina. You should be seated on the toilet facing the back wall like a child in time-out. Focus hard and aim like a man. 4. Grammar - To who it may consern, you used the wrong “there”. You said “It is their book” when you should have said “It is theiyre book”. 5. Mansplaining - I’m not mansplaining! You’re just mad because your ootirus is exploding. SESAME ST JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT COOLER
Sesame Street Character Opens Marijuana Bakery By: Alvester
Beloved Sesame Street character, the Baker, came out of retirement to open up a marijuana bakery today. So far, it’s been a success, with many other retired characters flocking to it. “It’s really fun,” said the Mad Painter, “ I get to try fresh cakes with hemp in them! He even lets me paint on the cakes before I eat them!” Others are impressed as well, as many of their favorite treats are being sold, from Boston cream pies for the Bridge Keeper, to carrot cakes for the Yo-yo Master, to cherry pie for the Alligator King. The Baker is very happy with business. “I’m on cloud nine, he said, with all these customers, I’ll soon be rolling in dough!” He then proceeded to fall over while bringing a tray of 8 cupcakes to the King of Eight.
HEY Y'ALL! THAT TORTELLINI PARTY IS THE REAL FUCKING DEAL. COME TO THE LSC BOARD RM (UPSTAIRS ALL FANCY LIKE) ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 FOR THE PITCH MEETINGS AND BRING US AS MUCH TORTELLNI AS YOU CAN, I BEG OF YOU!
the Medium
WHEN IN ROME
Don't Study Abroad By: Penn A. Trayshun
Milan, Italy – I was just like you, dear reader. I was so excited to study abroad. I was saving up my paycheck from my shitty job at Panera Bread to buy a couple months of Tinder Gold. Surely, the ladies would love a good American accent. I knew I would have to go to class or some bullshit while abroad, so I packed a couple of notebooks and my favorite red accordion folder covered in pictures of flamingos. Not that it mattered. I got to Italy after my flight had to turn back – some bald asshole had a heart attack or some shit right after takeoff. The time from when I got to Milan until about one week ago was a complete blur. I smoked about 70 blunts and was arrested or something, I dunno. My point is that the study abroad experience was obviously dope…until everything changed. An old man sneezed and threw up everywhere and apparently the coronavirus spread and now I’m in quarantine. I can’t smoke any cheeba and I’ve been sober for the longest time since I was 11. And would you believe that they even make us go to class too? So here I am being forced to actually learn Italian and be conscious of everything that’s going on around me. They made us visit a beautiful cathedral down the street and we got to look at art from the 1400’s. Of course, I’d rather have gotten crossed and picked a fight with one of the gypsies on the corner. I’ve been learning about Italian history and culture because I’ve been forced to interact with lots of people. I guess what I’ve learned is that being quarantined isn’t all that great – yeah, I can’t addle my mind with substances. I have to fill it with education. Who the fuck wants to do that? SEND SUBMISSIONS AND WE'LL SEND NUDES
How to Write an Article for The Medium By: Harry Nuttsaac
Since you think we're hilarious, we know you want to be published here. Here's some steps to write comedy gold to send in. 1. Get some inspiration: look for an issue at Rutgers or with the world in general. Trust me, this is a good way to start, there are a lot of fucking problems. 2. Run your idea by a friend: ask one of your best friends if they like your idea. After they roast the ever-loving fuck out of you, go to someone you kinda know but not well enough that they would roast you. 3. Write the article: News is about 350 words, Opinions is about 250 words, all the other pages are desperate and would accept literally anything. 4. Come up with your pseudonym: this is harder than it looks. Not just anyone can come up with Harry Nuttsaac, Heywood Jablomi, P.P. Harding. This might be the hardest step in the list. 5. Email it to us: our email's at the top of every page, just send it to us. Maybe next week we'll make a How to Send an Email, if you really need it. 6. The success goes to your head: knowing you're gonna be published in the funniest newspaper ever will make you realize you should drop out of school and go into comedy.
