Convert a JJervert

by Ruby Soho

This week's column wos made possible thanks to a good Christian friend of mine, Tim, whom I e-mailed with an inquiry to help my research on grooming habits. and Rod, my sarcastic, always-wins-a-debate boy toy. I made the light-hearted joke in my e-mail 10 Tim that, "I didn't know i 1·single Christians du that sort of thing I groom their pubic hair! - Haha!" What I received from him was at firs,t, a pleasant response noting that yes, he does groom, but then the tone of the e-mail changed to one of reproach. Maybe I was a sick girl-pervert possessedby evil urges where the only way out of my sad excuse of n life was to don u chastity belt of steel, incinerate the key, und become the all powerful Sister Chris1iun? Now, a sex column might not be the best place to discuss religion. but I'll have you know ram ac1.:cp1in1; of everyone's beliefs• I just don't like it when I'm declared morally inl'erior because of my own beliefs, Thut aside. his e-mail brought up mntters of religion and sexuality that [ coulcl nm ignore. After forwarding the e- mail 10 Rod, he replied with ,1 responseofhi~ own, So here un: some excerpts from Tim's e-mail. anu Rod's retulimion. Hope you enjoy this lively exchange - may you be educated and enlightened. or, at the very least, mildly entertained.

Tim: "So I take it your use of 'Christians' implies that you don't consider yoursel r one. That's, too bad."

Rod: So he's inferring that your lack of Christian faith is something to be pitied?! In effect, he pussesjudgment upon not simply your belief system, bur the belief system of all people who do not share his beliefs. Whatever happened to judge not lest ye be judged? Maybe he was absent for thut sermon.

Tim: "You'll probably ~ay thut you believe in spirituality or some kooky shit."

Rod: First off, he assumesto be able to predict your belief system with some degree of accuracy, based on the singular piece of information that you are not a Christian (although could it be true that there ;ire only two kinds of people in this world • Christians and heathens who believe in kooky shit?). As such, he claims that anyone who does not believe in Jesus Christ can only possibly maintain a belief system that is both "kooky" and "shit." r suppose, then, that Judaism. Buddhism, and lslam (to name but a few), with its hundreds of millions of faithful supporters worldwide, are likely comprised of misguided fools easily swayed by any system of values, philosophies, and beliefs that are not packaged in Christian-friendly wrapping and therefore, inedible as hit. Strangely. he proposes that "spirituality" is an alternative to Christianity. ls this to say that those who accept Jc~us Christ us their personal savior are not spirituul'? Docs not spirituality refer to any lllatter that is of the soul'? To any 1111\tterthat is Sacred or reli- gious? Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to understand the implications of the terms he uses in an anempt to dictate what is right and criticize what he deems wrong.

Tim: "I worry ahoul you, Ruby l mean, sex columnist, isn't that a little beneath you? You're too smart for that; you should be tackling tougher, more complicated issues. Not just the lowest common denominator, SEX."

Rod: Lowest common denominator, eh? If it weren't for the lowest common denominator, iim would have never been conceived, and therefore unable to impose his worldview on others. What a loss that would be! And I suppose gender roles, sex differences, sex stereotypes, orientation, cross-cultural sexuul practices, sex. as power and freedom and pleasure, sex workers, H(V, censorship of sex and sex in the media, pornography. abortion, pregnancy, birth control, and the survival of the species are all so very easy for Tim to understand. Wow, what a guy.

Tim: "Anyways l say these things out of love because to me you seem like a girl with no real direction, bouncing all over the map looking for something but she doesn't know what."

Rod: Out of love? Isn't love first and foremost about acceptance?Seems that Tim's idea of love is one that practices judgmcnt, rejection of difference, ond self-righteousness. Funny - I'm pretty sure Jesus never preached any of these.

I have since graciously forgiven Tim for his al!ack. Turns out he was "just i11a had mood that day" or so he claims. I'm thinking of e-mailing him again to get his take on my next idea for this column - "Doggy Style: Bend Over for the One You Love."

by K. & H. Sedore

"Ok. freeze! Everybody against the wall and assume the posicion !'' ls it a drug raid? Hostile terrorism? A volatile political situation? Nah, it's just me looking for a pencil. Funny how 1 keep buy• ing the things but I never seem to own any. Don't I have the right to my own stuff? Apparently not; this leads me into this issue's topic: the rights we lose when we become parents.

We are all born with the right to our own body, but anyone who's ex.pericnced a posiIive pregnancy test knows that this right is the first to go. And don't think for a minute that childbirth will return that right intact. Nooooooooo the secret tu getting your bodily rights bnck involves dressing in mul-