The Quibbler Fall 2022

The Editor’s Desk

Greetings, Dear Readers!

As you may know, Wiksry, our Executive Editor, Archivist, and Spreadsheet Wizard, is retiring after this issue’s publication. In 2017, I found Wik working in the wiki of /r/HogwartsWerewolves and recruited her to take over our own wiki as an Archivist.

From there, she became an invaluable part of the team, working her way through the ranks to become second-in-command as Executive Editor.

I want to extend my wholehearted thanks to Wik for everything she has done. She created the incredible master Google spreadsheet that we rely on for everything, from submissions to points to production. She has updated our Reddit bot (QuibblerLu naLovegood, made by Pezes) to give it some totally awesome new features, like WizCoin! Her skills are so mind-blowing that some people think she’s actually a robot. (I’m still not convinced of her humanity myself, and I’m an all-Seeing, all-knowing fairy for Helga’s sake!) The Archives are a well-kept place to visit. Thanks to Wik, our wiki has always been up-to-date, our sidebar is current, and our sub runs like clockwork. None of this would have been possible without her.

Wik, I adore you. You have been more than just my second-in-com mand. You have become one of my best friends. From day one, all the way back in January 2017, you have been so kind, helpful, and accommodating. Your enthusiasm, innovation, and ingenuity have shaped so much of what we do here at The Quibbler. Behind the scenes you’ve done more than anyone even knows. You weren’t just assisting with technical tasks. You have always acted as a sounding board for my ideas, and a voice of reason whenever those ideas got too big and out of hand. You’ve been so supportive of me and I want you to know that I treasure your friend ship with all my heart. We have made an excellent team and I will miss having you beside me here so very much. I love and appreciate you. Thank you for everything.

I hope all of you enjoy reading this issue as much as we have enjoyed creating it. Re member, Dear Readers, without you, there is no Quibbler.

May Fortune smile upon you!

~MADAM StarFLASH Editor-in-Chief

THE QUIBBLER: NO. 34869 [FALL 2022]

THIS ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY THE HOGWARTS STAFF AT /R/THEQUIBBLER. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WIZARDING WORLD’S ALTERNATIVE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1989. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR SMALL INDEPENDENT NEWS MAGAZINE

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Do YOU have burning questions for our resident Seer and fairy, Madam Starflash? Got yourself in a relationship with a Vampire and don’t know if it’s going to work out? Debating on using a love potion on your biggest crush? Have a bully you’d love to get rid of?

Don’t hesitate to ask! Madam Starflash ALWAYS has the right answer for you! Contact her in Divination Tower at /r/TheQuibbler now with your desperate questions!

Dear Madam Starflash,

For the past few weeks, I have been dreaming about broom crash es. In my dreams, these accidents are either happening to me, my loved ones, or famous Quidditch players. And I'm not even into Quidditch! What does this mean? Thank you for your wisdom.

Sincerely, Troubled Dreams Dearest Dreams,

Don’t concern yourself too much with the dreams themselves. You should be more worried about the person who is hiding under your bed, projecting them into your head with his wand each night.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

May Fortune smile upon you!

Dear Madman Starfish,

I have a problem with a coworker. He's very nice and quiet and doesn't cause any trouble, but the issue is his body odor. To put it bluntly, he smells like a corpse. I tried to avoid him, but unfor tunately, we're understaffed and the company is working with a skeleton crew, so I'm often stuck with him on the graveyard shift. How do I let him (politely) know how bad he smells?

Sincerely, Dead Tired

Dearest Tired,

He’s wearing garlic to ward off vampires. The least of his worries is politeness. Tell him he stinks and he’ll quit because he already thinks you’re a vampire.

ALSO. MY NAME IS MADAM STARFLASH. I TOLD YOU TO CEASE AND DESIST WITH THE “MADMAN STARFISH”. I WILL BE SENDING A JINX BY RETURN OWL AS SOON AS I FIND AN ENVELOPE BIG ENOUGH!

May Fortune smile upon you! (Or not, because you’ve put the MAD in MADam Starflash!)

Created by anne_seelmann using Midjourney AI

CARE FOR YOUR CASTLE

Eldis’ Top Tips for a Hygienic House

Edition

Kitchen Edition

Ah, the kitchen. As someone who loves to cook and bake, this is certainly one of my favourite places in the house! It can also be such a place of community, cooking or baking and eating together. Although, with me living on my own, the ‘community’ in the kitchen is usually me and my dearest cat Goose, who always hopes I am in the kitchen to give him food. I keep the box with his kibble and the treats in the kitchen, after all. I love

being in my kitchen, rummaging around, figuring out things to cook and singing along with my music. But it is my least favourite place to clean. Yes, in this fourth ‘Care for your Castle’ edition we have finally arrived at a location I don’t like cleaning. Miracles do happen! It’s just that the kitchen is one of those places that you just have to clean all. the. time. It never stays clean! Even when you’re done cleaning, it’s often still dirty! Why!?

Who am I to tell you how to clean your house? Well, aside from the dubious nickname of ‘the girl who has her shit together’, earned after I boiled one (1) egg in front of a bunch of drunk guys, I have also been working as a cleaner for quite some time now. So I do speak from quite some experience.

Care for your Castle - Eldis’ Top Tips for a Hygienic House

Photo by Niki Nagy via Pexels

As ever, this series is intended as a starting point. My cleaning strategy might not work for everyone, so please adjust it as you see fit. However, many people get overwhelmed when confronted with their messy house, and don’t know where to start. I know not everyone is physically able or has the mental energy to constantly keep every-

thing neat and clean. With this series, I hope to give you some sort of instruction manual that creates some direction and helps you mentally and physically chop the task of keeping your home clean into bite-sized bits. Use the articles as a red thread or support as you find your own way to keep your house a pleasant, homely place to stay.

So. The kitchen. Before we can keep it clean, we have to keep it tidy. And when we want to keep it tidy, we might have to throw some unnecessary stuff out. Because, and I need you to be honest now, do you need that appliance? Look me in the eyes and tell me you need that waffle-maker you haven’t used since 2016. Or the magic bullet you impulse-bought when you decided you would turn your life around and start

each morning with a smoothie, but which is still in its original packaging. And that fancy coffee machine that requires 73 steps to actually get coffee out of it, when in the mornings you’re already too tired to even press a single button? You can sell that cake-pop machine so it can make someone else happy, you’ve only used it once. That already saves you a lot of room in your storage & on your kitchen counter.

I would recommend removing app appliances you do not actively use every day from your kitchen counter. For me, for example, I’ve got my kettle in one corner, because I drink a hideous amount of tea each day. I used to have this ancient coffee maker on my counter as well, but I moved that to storage when I found a moka pot for cheap in a thrift store and started making coffee with just that. Similarly, I dont have, say, my blender on the counter, since I essentially only use that to blend soup (check out some nice recipes on pp. 15-9 of our Winter ‘21 edition!). Additionally,

what I have learned about keeping the kitchen clean, is to have a good system. Have one specific spot for dishes (NOT in the sink) that’s out of the way, and that doesn’t take over your entire kitchen. I have about 50 cm of free counter space in between my sink and the wall. This is where my kettle is located for socket-related purposes, and where I have placed the water bottles I frequently use. This means I don’t really have the room to properly use that bit. But it is the perfect place for my dirty dishes, leaving the rest of the counter clean and empty for me to do my thing.

Photo by Dominika Roseclay via Pexels

dirty dishes

Do the dishes every single day. Yes, it sucks, I know, but it is better to do a few dishes regularly than a lot of dishes at once. Please try to avoid just storing dishes in the sink, that’s only impractical when you actually want to go and clean them. I usually do the dishes after dinner, but if it is too late I do them the next morning. I rarely wait longer than that. There is also simply no room for me to procrastinate longer, since the counter where I place my dirty dishes is filled quickly! I highly recommend your go-to space for dishes is also quite small. Don’t forget to clean your drying rack

itself frequently as well, since soap stains tend to get clogged up in and on there. If you’re one of those lucky bastards who has a dishwasher, just put your dirty dishes in the moment you don’t need them anymore and turn on the machine after dinner! Either unload it the same evening or the next morning. Please note that dishwashers have filters that need to be rinsed and/or replaced. Check out your dishwasher’s user manual for more information. Don’t remember where you put that? User manuals are usually available as a free pdf download on various websites.

How often do you replace your dish brush?

How often do you have to replace your dish brush? That highly depends on how often you use it and what kind of meals you make! Replace your brush about every 4 to 6 months, or when you see the following symptoms:

• The brush starts to smell

• The brush starts to lose its brushes

• The brush starts to look worn

If your brush is dirty, or you just want to make sure that it’s hygienic, put the bristle-part of your dish brush in a cup of white vinegar & a drop of dish soap, and leave overnight.

Care for your Castle - Eldis’ Top Tips for a Hygienic House

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo via Pexels

Do you hate doing dishes in general? And do you live on your own? Meal prep is your friend. Depending on the size of your freezer, spend one evening each week/fortnight/month cutting and cooking the dishes you want to eat for the foreseeable future, and freeze those! Then you only use your cutting board and large pots or pans during meal prep. When you reheat, you only need one pan, or possibly two if you need to boil pasta or rice or something similar. But there is no need for cutting boards, multiple frying pans, knives etc. Additionally, if you only use that second pan to boil pasta, you frequently only have to rinse it, not wash it. Meal prepping also makes for cheap but healthy meals. I live on my own so if I buy broccoli I will just have to eat broccoli for 5 days in a row and even then it will probably have gone off by day 4. But if I meal prep it in one day, turning it into my famous broccoli-courgette soup (recipe in our Winter ‘21 edition), I can just freeze the soup and not

have the same meal every day! And the food I do eat is very healthy! As I’m typing this, I have

• A chickpea coconut soup, with fresh onion and bell peppers

• Taco filling, with fresh bell peppers, tomatoes, courgette & chilli

• Caponata, with fresh tomatoes, bell pepper, aubergines

• Champignon ‘stew’ with fresh champions and chilli

in my freezer. All made with freshly bought veggies that, if I had bought them and NOT meal prepped them, would have gone off within a week. Now they’ll feed me for at least three weeks! Delicious AND healthy. Yes, meal prep itself is a lot of work, but I schedule around it and just put on a nice series or a movie I can watch with just one eye while also paying attention to my cooking.

Photo via Pexels

Pro tip!

Watch a documentary while doing meal prep! You (or, at least, I) never actually sit down to watch one, since the visuals for many documentaries are not always 100% relevant, it’s either someone talking to a camera or some sort of dramatic reenactment. It’s the sound that counts, so you get to learn something while cooking! Maybe not watch any documentaries on food though, that can either be super demoralising, or you suddenly find all of your hunger vanishing when you discover how xyz product is really made…

Okay, okay, enough of my endless praise for meal prep and how I swear by it. You came here to get cleaning tips, not hear me rant about what great of an invention freezers are, and how much of a boring person I am for genuinely liking veggies.

For those old-fashioned people like me still cooking on actual fire (gas), buy those iron sponges and clean the pits and those iron things you put your pans on once a month, after you’ve done the dishes. Obviously wipe down the stove after each use to remove water- and grease splatters. For those cooking on electric plates, just wipe it down daily after you’ve done the dishes (when it has had enough time to cool down) and you’re good! Clean the wall behind your stove daily, and wipe down the counter after each use.

Don’t forget to clean the handles of your kitchen cupboards daily as well, especially the ones you open during cooking. Some kitchen cupboards are a nightmare to clean, with weirdly shaped handles that make it difficult to reach in the crooks with your cleaning cloth. Good news, though: you can usually

quite easily replace the handles! I have done that recently in my kitchen, which has made cleaning infinitely easier. Make sure you buy new handles that are the same size (same distance between the screws) as your current ones, so you don’t have to drill new holes.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov via Pexels

Photos by Liliana Drew via Pexels

Another thing that has to be cleaned daily (this is why I don’t like the kitchen. There is so much you have to wipe down daily. Like, it only takes 5 minutes, I know, but ugh why can’t stuff just stay clean?!) are your fridge and freezer. Or, well, their doors. Clean the outside where you open them, and dont forget the sides of the door! For the fridge, take out the shelves once every three months (or directly after you’ve spilt something on them, of course) to clean those. Defrost your freezer once a year. Please do this. If you don’t, you will regret it. Yes, I am speaking from experience. If you live in an area where the outside is sometimes as cold as the inside of your freezer, you can just move the contents of your freezer outside while you clean the freezer out. Or clean it when there is not that much inside of it. Clean the individual drawers throughout the year as well. Simply rinse them off with regularly-temperature water, which will already melt away most of the frozen-encrusted stains. Dry properly and thoroughly before inserting it back into the freezer so you don’t in-

troduce too much liquid. If your fridge smells nasty, put a bit of ground coffee in a small cup somewhere in your fridge to counteract the smell. Try to figure out the source for the smell first though, if there’s something rotting in there you might want to get rid of that and clean the surface it was resting on.

Your kitchen hood tends to gather a lot of dust too. I wipe mine down once a week, just to get the dust off. You can do this while you’re waiting for your pasta water to boil or that sauce to get properly heated, but be careful that the dust doesn’t immediately fall into your food. Also, try to figure out what kind of kitchen hood you have, and, more specifically, what kind of filter it contains. Mesh or cassette filters, made from aluminium mesh strips placed one over the other, have to be cleaned regularly, as do baffle filters made of steel or aluminium frames with curved panels. Charcoal filters are made of fine powdered activated charcoal, which cannot be cleaned but does have to regularly be replaced.

Photo by Taryn Elliott via Pexels

CASTLES AND BURROWS

final speed round

Now, unto the speed round: every other month or so, if your fridge and/ or freezer is not in-built, move it to the side to vacuum behind and underneath it. You might also need to carefully vacuum the back of it, since some parts can gather dust, which can become a fire hazard.

Technically speaking, you need to mop the floor of your kitchen every day. Do I do that? No, not at all. Once a week can also be fine, depending on how dirty your kitchen floor gets, which depends on the sorts of things you cook.

Clean your microwave and oven after each use. Of course, give your oven some time to cool down first. If you know you’ll forget to clean it, set a timer to remind you!

Vacuum out your drawers four times a year, and take that opportunity to clean your cutlery tray as well.

Wash your trashcans - not just the one in your kitchen, but that one does tend to get the dirtiest - four times a year as well. Either rinse them out with a hose if you have a garden, or just shower them down.

I hope this all is not too overwhelming. Like I said, cleaning the kitchen can be a nightmare. If you take out 5-10 minutes each evening after dinner, however, you can already

Replace your tea towels every week if you use them to actively dry your dishes from soaking wet. If you let your dishes air dry and only use your towels to dry the few wet spots left, you can wash them every other week.

get a lot done. Listen to your favourite song twice or thrice (depending on how long it is) while cleaning and it’ll make a huge difference.

I hope to see you here again next edition when we’ll discuss your study space!

Photo by Anete Lusina via Pexels

Photo by MART PRODUCTION via Pexels

Photo by cottonbro via Pexels

Photo by Melike Benli via Pexels

Photo by SHVETS production via Pexels

Photo by Tima Miroshinichenko via Pexels

Do you only have the energy to do one single thing mentioned in this article? Do your dishes daily so they don’t pile up.

How to use the cleaning schedule?

This article is accompanied by the fourth of 6 cleaning schedules, one per area in your house. The use of this schedule is simple: print it out, put it somewhere easily accessible but out of sight (on the inside of a cupboard door, for example), and put a pen near it. Each time you clean your fridge, write down the ..[date].. / ..[month].. (or the other way around, for you Americans) on the dotted lines for reference, so you can keep track! For the once-a-year thing, you can either just cross it off with a checkmark or write down the date there as well for next year, that it’s somewhat balanced (so you dont do it in November and then January of the next year, but instead in June of both years). For the oncea-week thing, you can just cross off the number of the week you have done this. The area marked in dark red is specifically laundry, the rest is general cleaning!

PUMPKIN JUICE COOKIES

Recipe for Pumpkin Juice Cookies by Bubbles_The_Defender

I was thinking thoughts. Like, how to pronounce schadenfreude, what in the blazes is going on in the Total Eclipse of the Heart music video, and what happens if I used pumpkin juice as an egg-to-applesauce substitute. This is what happens.

Makes 12 cookies

Ingredients

Canned Pumpkin 1 can

Water ¼ cup

Apple Juice 3 cups

Apricot Nectar ½ cup

Vanilla Flavoring ½ tsp

Pumpkin Pie Spice 1 Tbl + 2 tsp

White Sugar ⅔ cup + ½ cup + 2 Tbl

Flour 1½ cups

Cream of Tartar 1 tsp

Baking Soda ½ tsp

Butter (softened) ½ cup

Vanilla Extract ½ tsp

Cinnamon 1 Tbl

Steps

1. Mix the canned pumpkin, water, apple juice, apricot nectar, vanilla flavoring, pumpkin pie spice (2 tsp), sugar (½ cup) in a saucepan.

2. Bring to a boil.

3. Simmer until at least half of the liquid is gone (about an hour).

4. Refrigerate overnight.

5. Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit.

6. In a large bowl, mix the flour, cream of tartar, and baking soda.

7. In another bowl, mix the butter and sugar (⅔ cup).

8. Stir the pumpkin juice before use as the contents may have separated.

9. Add the pumpkin juice to the second bowl (only ¼ cup need ed).

10. Add the vanilla extract to the second bowl, mix.

11. Stir the dry contents from the first bowl into the second bowl.

12. Refrigerate dough until ready to use.

13. Stir sugar (2 Tbl), cinnamon, and pumpkin pie spice (1 Tbl) together in a small bowl.

References used: https://www.inliterature. net/food-in-literature/drinks/non-alcohol ic/2014/05/copycat-harry-potter-pump kin-juice-recipe.html

14. Form 1-inch diameter balls from the dough and roll them in the cinnamon sugar mixture.

15. Place on a parchment paper covered tray.

16. Bake for 20 minutes or until golden brown.

Created by AaishaM

Created by strawbeariesox

Created by strawbeariesox

“I didn’t even consider it dark magic, we were having fun. Until we weren’t.”

Isolda Waithe is perhaps not what one would immediately conjure up if asked to picture a key member of an illegal potion racket. Indeed, as she sits beside me on the seafront bench, bobble-hatted head down, legs swinging above the ground and tiny gloved hands gripped tight on the front of the seat, she looks more like a lost child than an experi enced and adept potioneer. Certainly the passersby who look at us with indulgent smiles have no clue that she is partly responsible for the addiction problem that swept wizarding England in the years after the second Wizarding War.

“Everyone just wanted to forget. We’d all lost someone. We’d all lost ourselves a bit too I reckon. You remember what it was like, right?”

Her face is earnest, amber eyes wide, as she lifts her head and gazes at me almost imploringly. The subtle lines around her eyes and the crease in her forehead suddenly remind me that she is in fact no child, despite her small stature. Born in the early hours of January 1st 1980, Isolda is now 42, but could easily pass as being twenty years younger. I nod, but don’t speak. All of us who are old enough remember.

“My parents pulled me out of Hogwarts after Umbridge took over. My dad’s a muggle, but my mam’s sister worked at the Ministry and my mam was smart enough to see what was coming. She’d wanted me to stay home after the whole Triwizard debacle, but I kicked up a fit until she let me go back. Once Dumbles was ousted though she had me straight home. I ended up finishing my education with tutors, but I stayed in touch with the lads right through.”

I hand her a photograph clipped from an edition of the Daily Prophet, a once famous but now mostly forgotten image of a group of sweaty, red-faced males in their late teens or early twenties, grabbing one another round the neck, jumping around, and laughing heartily against a backdrop of pulsing lights. A young Isolda, eyes bright but pupils blown wide can be seen jostling for space at the bottom edge of the frame, significantly shorter than her counterparts she appears to be stretching up so she can make it into the picture. The real world Isolda’s legs still and she hesitates a moment before taking the offering, but then reaches out with a gloved hand to take it from me. “Yeah, that’s us. I used to love this photo you know, before the bloody Prophet turned into the poster image for immorality. We had a copy blown up and put in the flat and everything.” She points to each person in turn. “That’s me, obviously, then Dave, Merc, Seb, Oggy, and…” Her voice cracks slightly and she gives a little cough, breathing in deeply before carefully touching the last face in the picture. “and that’s Ro.”

To hear the remainder of the infamous Spelixir Six referred to by nicknames is jarring, their full names having become synonymous with cautionary tales told to teenage wizards and witches, but it is clear that the tragedies that occurred and the years separating the group has not lessened Isolda’s affection.

Isolda Waithe, David Stephens, Sebastian Garamond, David Oggendon, and twins Mercutio and Romeo Andilet met when they all joined the Young Potioneers Club at Hogwarts. An extra-curricular activity designed to expand on the talents of students who showed an aptitude for the subject, The Young Potioneers Club, or YPC, gave the teens a chance to experiment with brewing more difficult or rare potions than those taught in regular classes, and also taught them how to go about creating their own potions.

Number 4: High Jinx, Isolda’s Story

“I was always the only lass. At first they all sort of treated me like a joke, but then when they saw that I could give

as good as I got, that was it, I was one of the lads. I got a lot of crap for it at school like, one girl with a group of five guys all the time, but I didn’t care. I always got on better with blokes. Still do. It was Ro who really brought me into the fold, he was always so sweet. I fancied him for the longest time just because he was always kind to me. Merc and Oggy were these big personalities, would sometimes take jokes a bit too far. Seb and Dave just kinda followed along with whatever Merc did, but Ro was different. He could always see you, you know? He spent his entire life looking out for everyone else.” She nods down at the photograph in her hand.

“That picture, I remember when it was taken. Remember it like it was yesterday. We were at this club just off Diagon, Sonorous it was called back then. I think it’s some hoity toity wine bar now, but back in the 90s it was an amazing night out, proper centre of the scene. People would queue for hours to get in, and they had all the best tunes and these mad cocktails and stuff. That’s where we did most of our trade when we were starting out. That picture was taken after midnight at their millenium New Year’s extravaganza, my 20th birthday. Merlin, we were so young.”

Indeed they were. As the dust settled from the events of 2 May 1998, Waithe, Stephens and Oggendon were just eighteen years old, the Andilet boys and Garamond a year older at nineteen.

“We’d kept in touch as best we could through the war. Oggy and Dave were at Hogwarts all the way through, and with them being Slytherins they had an easier time than most, but they both noped out when it all kicked off and just sorta hid out in Hogsmeade until it was over. The others had already left school and were all living together in a crappy flat in Camden. Two days after the Battle I got an owl telling me to meet them in London. I went down thinking I’d stay for a few days and I never left.

That first night, we were all in the Leaky and we’d thought the place would be bouncing, you know? Celebrating and all that? But nah, it was weird, like the whole world was lost and didn’t know how to find their way home. That’s all we wanted to do, honestly, we just wanted to help people find something to hold on to again, in the begin ning.”

Isolda takes another look at the picture, then slides it into the pocket of her coat, her legs beginning to swing again once it has vanished from sight. She adjusts her hat, pushing a handful of hair behind her ear in the process, and stares out over the grey water as she continues.

“The first batch we brewed was just a pretty straightforward mash up of Draught of Peace, Invigoration Draught, and Euphoria Elixir. Nothing special, no activation spellwork required, just a potion you knocked back to feel better for a bit. It tasted like marmalade and lasted for about two hours, just enough to get your night started on the right foot.

We made about 50 doses that first time, after we’d tested a batch on ourselves first, and that weekend we went to the Leaky and just gave them out to any Hogwarts alum that were hanging about. Word got round pretty quick and the next weekend people were seeking us out for it. We were giving it away at that point, the whole point was just to make people feel better,” Her eyebrows knit together and she looks at me again, her gaze fierce, “At the trials they made out like it was a plan all along, like we deliberately crafted a gateway drug to establish a customer base for the harder stuff, but it’s a lie. We weren’t calculating, we were hurting. Everybody was hurting and we just wanted to do something to make a bloody difference, none of us knew how it would end up.”

It ended up, as many of our readers will know, with scores of young people in a hastily devised Ministry led rehab programme, five in Azkaban, and two dead. Whatever the sentiment behind the initial potion, it is clear that by the time things came to a crescendo in the summer of the year 2000 any good intentions were long gone, and in the aftermath very few people would have any sympathy at all for Isolda or her friends.

Isolda stands up abruptly, wrapping her arms around herself and walking to the railing overlooking the sea. The wind drags her hair across her face but she ignores it. The pier is quiet now, a light drizzle starting to fall as the sky and water start to blend together in a fog of grey. After a few moments Isolda returns to stand before me and asks if we can walk as she tells me the next part of the story. As we stroll along the pier I have to strain to hear her voice before the wind takes it away.

“I don’t remember who first told us we should sell potions. Everyone always says it was Merc, probably ‘cause he’s the one who ended up running the show I suppose, but it wasn’t. It was someone from school in a club one night, came up and said something about how we could be making a fortune and only an idiot would be giving stuff that good away for free. That’s what started the wheels spinning. Then someone else asked if we had anything that lasted longer, and someone else asked if we had anything that made you a better dancer, and some else asked if we had anything that made you a better lover, and, well. You get the idea.

Suddenly we were brainstorming a business. It made sense at the time, none of us were making good money. I was a waitress, Oggy was unemployed, the others had various apprenticeships that paid sod all. Our weeks were miserable, we were living for the weekend just like everyone else our age. If we could have a good time and make money, well, that was a no brainer. It was never supposed to be dodgy though, never supposed to hurt anyone. I didn’t even know that what we were doing was illegal.

We’d been brewing together for so many years it was just second nature, and it was nice at first ‘cause it was kinda like being back at school. We slipped straight into the same roles we always had in YPC, Dave and Ro would research stuff to counteract any likely side-effects, Oggy and Seb would work together to make the bases, I would seek out unusual or hard to find ingredients and work out alternatives if we couldn’t get something, and Merc would sweep in at the last second to do the final spellwork and take all the credit. ” She laughs, a short, humourless sound. “You know, he was actually pretty shit at potions, but he was a really strong caster.”

I ask Isolda who came up with the branding, the now infamous ‘Spelixir’ name.

“Oh, that was Ro, and it came later. For the first three months or so we were just selling basic draught mixes that anybody could have made if they’d tried. In fact, other people did start making their own mixes, and that’s when it all kicked up a gear. I remember one night at the Leaky some kid tried to sell Oggy a potion almost identical to ours, daft sod. Our sales had been flagging a bit and suddenly we knew why. We ended up pulling an all-nighter thinking about how to take it to the next level, spent the next two months working on a brand new brew of our own design to make people dance harder and faster, and to stay awake longer. We had some spectacular failures, a couple of fires. One prototype turned Dave’s teeth green for a week, which was bloody hilarious. When we finally cracked it, Merc insisted we give it a name, brand it as something new so the clubbers would all want in on it. That first origi nal brew we called ‘Party Poison’. The first weekend out we shifted about ten vials. By the end of the month we were shifting a hundred a night. We all ended up quitting our jobs, just so we could keep up with the demand of the harvesting and the brewing.”

Their new venture, she explains, came with more perks than just money, as they quickly became the ‘It’ kids in the clubs and bars of Wizarding London. Suddenly the group found that they were no longer the YPC nerds, for the first time in their short lives they were considered cool.

“That was the best time of my life right there. We could get into any club in London, wizarding and muggle, without paying or queuing or any of that bollocks. We had automatic access to all the VIP areas, and I don’t reckon I paid for a drink for a year or more. Every weekday was spent on the brews, and every weekend, all weekend, we just danced and laughed and lived. It was like the war had never happened, like nobody had ever died and we were all going to live forever. We were untouchable, and it was bloody beautiful. We were absolutely coining it in too. Moved to a bigger place, got a better brewing set up which halved the time it took to make Poison. Life was really good. Really bloody good.”

We reach the end of the pier and Isolda turns, leaning her back against the railing and grinning at me, a youthful gleam in her eye. I’m almost sorry to spoil it, but it’s getting cold and I need to hear how it all went wrong, so I ask her again about ‘Spelixir’. Her face drops, eyes hardening.

“Merc came home one day, I think it was like February or March time in 99, and said he’d had a bespoke request for a potion, that some bigshot pureblood had offered him an obscene amount of money to create something unique just for her. She wanted a potion that did everything Poison did, but that had a second wind, a next level. I wish he’d never met her, wish we’d never branched out. Maybe if we’d stuck with Poison everything would have been fine.” She drifts away for a moment, then shakes her head harshly, bringing herself back to reality, pushing away from the railing and striding forward back along the pier. I have to hurry to keep up with her.

“I’d never heard of a potion with a delayed element. None of us had. It wasn’t something any of us knew how to create, but Merc wouldn’t let it go. He wanted the payday, and he wanted to rise to the challenge. That was Merc all over. Always the mouthpiece, always the big shot, but he could never have produced anything like Spelixir without us. I never once saw him back down from a damn thing you know. Ro, he was different, a creative soul, quiet. He just wanted everyone to have a good time, but Merc was all about the limelight. We told him we couldn’t do it, that it wasn’t possible, to just chill out and enjoy himself but he wasn’t having any of it. Insisted it could be done. Insisted we work it out.

It was Dave who found the answer, which wasn’t surprising. He collected these weird books, old potion texts, antique stuff. For weeks him and Ro had been shut away going through books whilst the rest of us kept up with the regular brewing. Then one day I was making tea and he just comes running into the kitchen with this rotten old book in his hand and he’s waving it about and yelling, Ro following him like a curious puppy. That book was proper weird. Creepy you know? It was written in some weird ‘olde worlde’ English which was a bitch to read, but he’d found this section about how to imbue potions with dormant spellwork. We didn’t know where the book had come from, and I know he got in proper trouble for it but to my very soul I swear that Dave never knew it was a Dark Arts thing. Dave was a sweetheart. He’d never knowingly do dark magic. I know it.”

The book that Stephens had uncovered was a banned text, originating from Latvia in the 14th Century and banned in England and most of Europe in the 1850s. At trial Stephens testified that the book came into his possession as part of a job lot of antique potions texts from an auction, and that he had no notion that the book was outlawed. The Wizengamot were not convinced, and laid an extra charge against Stephens for possession of banned material. The Quibbler has chosen not to publish the title of this book, to prevent others from seeking it out.

“It took us a couple of tries to get the hang of it, our bases were coming out fine but just the same as always. Seb cracked it in the end, and though he swore down it was from a thorough re-read of the book I’m pretty sure it was by accident, but that was Seb all over. I won’t tell you how, but essentially he added a dormant spell part way through the brewing process and through a bunch of proper complicated wandwork assigned a trigger to it. It took two people to do it properly, which is where we’d been going wrong. If you got it right, people who drank the potion would have the basic effects until the trigger spell was cast, and then that would activate the dormant spell which would set off the second effect. Merc was so freaking excited when we nailed it. We tested the first one on Seb as a reward for cracking the nut. He had a higher tolerance to potions than us, probably because he was bloody massive, so he made a good test subject for early prototypes. That first one, the one for the pureblood party, it was a base of our usual Poison brew, but it had a mild Stinging Jinx and modified Arresto Momentum built in at the dormant phase. When the trigger spell was cast, the person who’d drank the potion felt like all their nerves were lit up, but like in a good way not a Cruicio kinda way, and simultaneously they felt as though time had slowed down. Basical ly, it made a period of about five minutes feel like it was happening in slow motion and made you tingle the whole way through. I’ll never forget Seb’s face when we triggered it, it was like all his Christmasses had come at once.

Merc said we had to brand it, like properly brand it not just name the brew, and that’s when Ro suggested Spelixir, just pulled the name out of thin air. ‘Like spell and elixir mixed together’ he said. Well it fit perfectly, so that was it, from then on everything we created was under the Spelixir brand, and then a ‘flavour’ name. That first one was called ‘Spelixir, Tick Tock’. Merc took a whole box of it to the pureblood bitch and she gave him the money. A week later, after her party, she sent us a bonus of another 100 galleons and a list of people who wanted to hire us on the down low.”

With Mercutio Andilet leading the charge and making the deals, the Spelixir brand became an underground sensa tion. Bespoke potions were created for exclusive parties or events, and then once the event was over the potion would be subsequently mass produced and sold quietly in the bars and clubs in London. By the beginning of the year 2000, the group were employing old schoolmates cash in hand to sell the potions in clubs as far afield as Glasgow. They also employed part time brewers to create the base potions, though the secret of the dormant spells was never shared with anyone outside the original six.

“Merc insisted on it. The trigger spells were what set us apart from other peddlers. Nobody else knew how to repli cate it and Merc didn’t trust anyone but us to keep the secret. Whenever a batch in one of the potions labs was ready for the dormancy phase to be added two of us would portkey or apparate to wherever it was being brewed and add in the dormant spellwork, then go home again for the brewers to finish their process and bottle it all up. We had a rota for it, and were making a ton of money for about three hours of work each a week. Living the dream, I guess.”

However, it was mere months later that the dream turned into a nightmare. When we get to this point in the story, Isolda heads for a bench and sits again, her eyes bright with unshed tears.

“The one that brought it all down was called ‘Spelixir, Weak At The Knees’. It was a base of Euphoria and low potency love potion with a dormancy layer of mild Rictusempra and Supersensory Charm.” Suddenly she reaches out and grabs my hand, squeezing it between both of her own. “You have to believe me, if I had thought for even one second that it would make people…. that it could be so… well I wouldn’t have let him make it. I would have shut down the whole operation myself. Nobody was ever supposed to get hurt. Never. We were trying to make people feel good.” However, therein lay the problem. The potion did make people feel good. So good, in fact, that they found they could not face the realities of post-war life without it. ‘Weak At The Knees’ quickly became Spelixir’s best-selling potion, massively outstripping all of their other brews. The reason? A miscalculation in the base ingredients caused the euphoria and supersensory dormancy to combine and create an extremely strong addictive effect. Users of the potion found themselves unable to function without a dose in their system. Before long, despite employing addition al brewers across the country, supply could not keep up with demand and the Spelixir team were struggling to source enough base ingredients. As vials of the potion became harder to source, users began to go to extreme lengths to procure it.

On Saturday 6 June 2000 a desperate user, Richard Tiere, recognised Isolda and approached her on the crowded dancefloor of Sonorous nightclub, insisting that she give him more potion. When she told him that it wasn’t possible, he attacked her, grabbing at her to try and locate the potion he was sure she must have somewhere on her person. On witnessing his friend in distress, Romeo Andilet stepped in to protect her and was swiftly hit with a killing curse by Tiere. As clubbers stampeded for the doors in a panic, Mercutio Andilet stood in the centre of the chaos and cast a Cruciatus on the man who had killed his brother, a spell cast with such ferocity that Tiere never regained con sciousness and ultimately died six months later.

The surviving members of the Spelixir Six were all tried in front of the Wizengamot for charges including use of the Dark Arts, handling and distribution of unlicenced potions, and public endangerment. Mercutio Andilet was also tried for manslaughter. Andilet received a life sentence in Azkaban. Waithe, Garamond and Oggendon each received fifteen year sentences, with seven years suspended, and Stephens, on account of the additional charge relating to the banned book, received eighteen years with seven years suspended. Isolda refuses to talk in any detail about her time in Azkaban, shutting down as soon as the prison is mentioned. After several minutes of silence, however, she does pass one comment.

“I saw their faces every day. That man, Ro, Merc. The three of them, one after the other, unconscious, dead, twisted. Every. Single. Day.”

In the failing light I see Isolda flinch as I put my hand on her shoulder and ask her the same question that I ask everybody that I interview. I ask her how she has been marked by the dark. She doesn’t look at me when she answers.

“Indelibly.”

by u/neeshky

Layout and Illustration by 7ustine

A New Sorting Hat Song

by u/nuhanala

Please take a moment for my small song

Made for you, dear Hogwarts student

Even though you’ve already been sorted Listening now would be quite prudent You have now fulfilled your dream Of becoming a learner of magic So to waste this precious craft Would certainly be quite tragic So embrace what our school has to offer On a monthly basis

To take part in the fun activities Might just become your oasis

If you look around, you’ll see There are so many hidden skills

In each and every house that it’s Enough to give you chills You might belong in Hufflepuff And solve puzzles at lightning speed

Their skills in Arithmancy are such There must be something in their mead

Or perhaps in Ravenclaw you’re one of the trivia masters

With their amazing Dueling skills

They're smart and deft spellcasters

If you are in Gryffindor you’re of a creative, stubborn crowd

Their beautiful win in Interhouse

Made us all so proud

Your home may be in Slytherin where the trophy shelf now shakes There is no assignment too hard

For those ambitious snakes

Yet your house doesn’t matter much In the battle for the House Cup

So if these verses don’t quite fit you Don’t worry, please, cheer up

If you venture into our Study Hall

You’ll surely find something fun Our assignments, puzzles and quizzes

Offer everything under the sun

I hope all badgers and snakes as well as you eagles and lions in your towers

Find the joy in the magical race Now come out and show your powers!

If you’re wondering what in Merlin’s name this song is about, it’s about all the wonderful activities in Hogwarts you can take part in to help your house compete for the monthly House Cup!

To get started, go read www.reddit.com/r/harrypotter/wiki/activities and/or join www.reddit.com/r/HPStudyHall.

The activities are such an entertaining way to practice creativity, have fun with your housemates and to have a little escape from reality every now and then, and I know there is so much hidden potential in every house that it wouldn’t take much effort to make it into a fair and tight race again! Can’t wait to see this month’s activities and all your beautiful ideas!

Layout by 7ustine

There is an ancient tree growing in the pit of my stomach The branches twist into a delightful knot and it blooms in colours that even rainbows haven’t seen before

My feet ran away from the kiss my lips stole, but the trunk of my tree remains steady It isn’t scared by a gentle breeze or even this small storm

It has grown beautiful and strong and nourishes my heart with its fruit Its leaves dance in time to a waltz and thirst for the warm wind and soft light surging from your gaze

It’s cloudy outside, but inside me the sun is warming up the earth embracing my roots

Tree written by u/nuhanala illustrated by u/Tali

Hello humans, aliens, and everything in between. Welcome to a new series of mine called Mozzy’s Moxies, where I talk about the magical substance that is books (as well as other media), specifically ones that interest me. I am the one creating this series, after all. However, if you lovely folks want a book or any other form of media to be reviewed that you love/hate/want to shove down the toilet, please let me know! I will gladly take recommendations for any kind of media and will most likely check it out! Please and thank you!! Also, spoilers ahead, so... be warned. Definitely check out this book series if it seems interesting though! I 100'000% recommend. "Stay tuned, tonight at 7pm we will include a trauma count, ranting, a q&a..." -Sinsa tionalDoom on this article. Sin’s right folks, you better stay tuned!

*Ahem* Moving on, today’s spotlight is going to be focusing on the amazing series Fullmetal Alchemist

by Hiromu Arakawa. Fullmetal Alchemist’s first installment was published in the magazine Monthly Shōnen Gangan’s August 2001 issue on July 12, 2001. Weird how they don’t know months, right? Fullmetal Alchemist was originally a manga series, then on October 4th, 2003, an anime adaptation premiered on MBS, TBS, and Animax. What are those, you may ask? Well, to be honest I have no clue. I’m just laying out the facts for you before we get into my ranting. After that, on April 5th, 2009, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood ran on… also MBS and TBS!

Since I’ve never watched either of those anime, and I’ve only read the manga, take everything I say with a grain of salt. However, one would think the original manga would be more factual than the anime. Fun fact: This was the first manga I ever read and I blame my brother for now being obsessed with manga and anime because he was the one who introduced me to

7ustine

So now you know what we’re going to be talking about today. You know that it’s a manga series, you know that it got adapted into an anime; you know all of these things. Now, you may be asking yourself a couple of questions, and I’ll be sure to answer them right now!

Q: So what even is manga anyway???

A: Why are you even here? Hmph whatever; I’ll be magnanimous today and explain for you. Manga is a style of Japanese comic books and graphic novels. But don’t let that fool you! They can be all age ratings. Some range from magical fairy adventures for little kids to ones that are very explicit and extremely violent, so be sure to check the back for the rating. By the way, manga is read from right to left, so that means that the front cover is actually the back cover and the back cover is actually the front cover. You also have to read the text boxes right to left too. This is because traditional Japanese is read from the top right to the bottom left!

Q: Is it true that Ra’s is trapped in Eldis’s basement and you have to write articles so that they can see the sun and get meals?

A: Uh… *sweats profusely* No… Why would you even say that?! *voice crack* Moving on…

Q: What’s Fullmetal Alchemist (FMA) about?

A: The blurb of FMA's "Volume 1" reads: “In an alchemical ritual gone wrong, Edward Elric lost his arm and his leg, and his brother Alphonse became nothing but a soul in a suit of armor. Equipped with mechanical 'auto-mail' limbs, Edward becomes a state alchemist, seeking the one thing that can restore his and his brother’s bodies...the legendary Philosopher’s Stone.” But I’ll explain as well. Basically, after the alchemical ritual, the whole main story (the main goal) is to get their original bodies back. So they’re trying to find the Philosopher’s Stone to get that right? And they just travel all over the place and get sidetracked by evil villains and pulled into a plot that has spanned back hundreds of years… ooh spooky.

Q: Why are you writing about this?

A: Because I can and I want to and I like the story. HA.

Q: Is it true that you’re an itty bitty bebe??

A: *sweats* Uh, it looks like this interview is over! Thanks for tuning in and please read the rest of the article!

So, Fullmetal Alchemist (FMA) Fullmetal Alchemist is very weird; that’s really the only thing I can say to describe it. I’m not even really going into the plot and that by itself is insane. But back on track; FMA is weird and, for one, alchemy. In the books there is a definition of alchemy that I will use here, since I think it gets the point across very well. “Alchemy, It is the scientific technique of understanding the structure of matter, decomposing it, and then reconstructing it. If performed skillfully, it is even possible to create gold out of lead. However, as it is a science, there are some natural principles in place. Only one thing can be created from something else of a certain mass. This is the Principle of Equivalent Exchange.” So, alchemy is a science, but it’s something magical too. Alchemy is the mixture of science and magic, and that in itself is a miracle. This quote references something called the Principle of Equivalent Exchange.

The Principle of Equivalent Exchange states that something cannot be created from nothing; meaning that, for something to be created or gained, something of equal value must be lost. This principle additionally has two laws: Conservation of Mass and Natural Providence. Conservation of Mass says that the object used to create another object must be of the same mass. Natural Providence says that objects composed of a particular material or element can only be transmuted into elements of similar composition. Example: Stone objects transmuted into other stone objects, but not objects primarily composed of water.

That’s all the science we’ll be doing as of now, sorry for the thinking and suffering you’ve had to endure, but that’s the basics of the laws of alchemy for FMA. Most of the time, the only way you can do alchemy is with a transmutation circle; however, there are some notable exceptions to this, such as Roy Mustang’s gloves that he wears that have runes on both of the palms and when he claps his hands together he can light a spark for a fire. So basically you either need a transmutation circle or some flow, like a circle inked into your skin, two things put together that both have transmutation circles, things like that. This is because alchemy is a circle, it’s a continuous path of deconstruction and reconstruction, and they balance each other out, which is why alchemy works and why it has to work this way. But that’s just so strange. Why do most people have to draw a transmutation circle to do this? That takes so long, it’s inefficient. How on earth does their military force have that many people that can use alchemy that are still alive?? It's just... There has to have been some people that have been too slow to draw it and died because of that. I guess that helps balance out the fact that alchemy is extremely powerful and dangerous...?? Anyways...

So the blurb talks about a forbidden alchemical ritual the Elric brothers did, so let me explain that because it’s just so weird and creepy. The Elric brothers attempted the forbidden ritual of attempting to raise the dead. This is forbidden by law and simply impossible by nature. They attempt this when they are 10 and 11, I believe. Ed closes his eyes when a flash of

Fullmetal Alchemist.

light hits, and when he opens them his brother is gone; instead, there is a grotesque creature in the transmutation circle. He passes out, and he sees this figure, named Truth. Truth is basically their god in this, all knowing, just a white outline, ominous and creepy. He has to bargain with his arm and his leg to get his brother’s soul back, and then he seals his brother’s soul in a suit of armor that he found nearby. After this happens, Ed discovers that he can just clap his hands together and perform alchemy.

But what of the equal exchange law? It’s just so baffling. And then years later, when the story actually takes place, Al goes through some things, don’t wanna spoil too much, but he remembers seeing Truth too, and suddenly he can clap his hands together and use alchemy. HOW? He is a suit of armor; how can a suit of armor have equivalent exchange when you only clap your hands together?? Anyways, you’re probably tired of me talking about alchemy…

Okay! Now let’s talk about…

So anyways, the seven homunculi are Pride, Envy, Wrath, Gluttony, Lust, Greed, and Sloth. As you can guess, all of these characters have those characteristics (except for Lust, but we’ll get into that soon). For example, Envy is extremely jealous of humans and how they can form connections. This jealousy is why Envy hates humans so much. All of the homunculi's "special attacks" also tie in with their sins as well. Another extra detail is that they all are defeated in ways that tie in with their characteristics.

An example of a special attack that ties in with a sin is Greed’s Ultimate Shield. This is similar to a greedy person clutching their valuables. The most notable defeat, in my opinion, was Pride's. Pride was defeat ed and spared by Ed, whose main trait (rather ironi cally) is his ego. Pride was stripped of his power, reduced to an even weaker form of the creatures he considered inferior - a newborn baby. As I men tioned earlier, all of the homunculi’s sins match up with them... but Lust is a special case. This is because the "lust" in Lust more refers to being an object of lust for others. It also more refers to "bloodlust", as Lust enjoys torturing and hurting her enemies, among other things. Lust is very cunning and will do whatever it takes to get what she wants, no questions.

HOMUNCULI!!

More specifically, the homunculi in the FMA world. If you don’t know what homunculi are, here’s a primer from the FMA wiki:

“A homunculus, Latin for 'Little Human,' Japanese for 'Artificial Human,' refers to the medieval legendary concept of an artificially created human, presumably brought into existence by certain means of alchemy.”

References to homunculi have been found through out history spanning back at least to 16th century fiction; it has “historically referred to the creation of a miniature, fully formed human.” While that quote was from Wikipedia (the untrustworthy source *gasp*), it is very accurate. The idea of homunculi is very creepy; a human made artificially that has super strength, speed, attack, AND regeneration abilities. Added to that, in FMA, eight of them are trying to kill you and destroy the world. That would be… terrifying. As well as that, they each have their own special powers.

Let me expand more on the FMA homunculi. These homunculi had a being called “Father.” Father is a clone of one of the characters and is also a homunculus, so he has a Philosopher’s Stone at his center, which is what is keeping him alive. Father created each of the seven homunculi in the series, which are modeled after the Seven Deadly Sins, by injecting a Philosopher’s Stone- which was broken off of his Philosopher’s Stone- into the body of a living being. This is why he’s called Father. Confused yet? Me too. Like I said before, this world is so odd that even us fine, quibbling individuals may have trouble understanding at first.

Getting a theme here? Everything ties into everything else and it ends up creating a much bigger picture, which really leaves a wow effect. ...Moving on, there’s this really annoying character that I just... Just keep reading to find out!!

Okay, can we talk... can we TALK about Shou Tucker?! Shou Tucker was a scientist that grew famous because of his ability to create chimeras so well. You wanna know which chimera got him famous? He fused his wife with a dog. And none of the other chimeras he was making without humans were doing well, so he was losing his fame. So then, he fused his daughter with a dog. Whenever we were first introduced to him, he seemed kind, unassuming, he loved his daughter, he loved his dog. And he killed them. THAT man is a sociopath. This is just one of the instances where FMA gets unreasonably dark; like what is up with that?

Speaking of which, let’s just run a tally of trauma Ed got. Dad left, 1. Mom died, 2. Ed and Al try to resurrect their mom, 3. Al’s body is gone, 4. Ed’s arm and leg gone, 5. What was the thing they even resurrected, 6. Meeting Truth, 7. Dog of the military, 8. Oh, and by the way, this was all when he was around 11-12 years old. How is he still functioning?! Anyways…

Oh! There’s something I forgot to talk about. The Philosopher’s Stone. I’ve talked a little bit about homunculi, and how they’re powered by something called a Philosopher’s Stone. But what even is a Philosopher’s Stone to FMA? And how is it made? In FMA, the Philosopher’s Stone is a powerful transmutation amplifier. So you know how I explained the first Law of Equivalent Exchange? Well, the stone gives the illusion that somebody is

able to override that law; it appears as if they are creating more than was there in the first place, making it impossible. However, that is an illusion. The powers of the stone itself aren’t unlimited, but it only *seems* to allow an alchemist to bypass Equivalent Exchange, but only as long as the stone retains its power. So basically it’s all powerful and makes you seem like a god... until it doesn’t.

On that topic, we don’t exactly know how a Philosopher’s Stone is created, but it’s known that human souls of people who died can be trapped and condensed into the stone if you have certain transmutation circles. Another really dark thing is that a Philosopher’s Stone could range from having one human life, to having hundreds, a few million, or maybe more; it really depends on how powerful you want it to be, how long you want it to last, how violent you’re willing to be. The stone also gets weaker every time it’s used because its power comes from souls, and the souls get consumed in the transmutations. The stone can take on many forms such as a viscous liquid or a lumpy rock. A Philosopher’s Stone is always a bloodlike red color, and typically the smaller it is, the weaker it is; probably because this means there are less souls condensed into it. What’s so weird to me is that typically whenever you consume a philosopher’s stone in some way, like by eating it like Kimblee did, you would become possessed with one of the seven deadly sins, or turned into a homunculus. So why didn’t Kimblee? We could keep on theorizing and theorizing forever, but it is indeed strange...

Anyways, I think I’ve been ranting about FMA long enough, so let’s wrap it up. There are a lot of parts of FMA that I absolutely adored; the plot was just so good and the plot twists… whew. You really couldn’t see those coming, and then you look back and you realize. It all. Makes. Sense. Amazing. I would probably give the manga series 4.5/5 stars, it’s just so good. I recommend reading the manga because the anime is widely different from the manga, and changes some really important plot points. Thank you everybody for taking a look at FMA with me, I really enjoyed it! Hope you enjoyed it and please please please check the manga out!! …Or else…. Carthago delenda est… uhmm anyways…

-Zelda, Out!

Sources:

1. fma.fandom.com/wiki/Alchemy

2. fma.fandom.com/wiki/Lust

3.fullmetal-alchemist-database.fan dom.com/wiki/Lust#Abilities

4. fma.fandom.com/wiki/Gluttony

5. fma.fandom.com/wiki/Greed

6. fma.fandom.com/wiki/Envy

7. fma.fandom.com/wiki/Selim_Bradley

8. fma.fandom.com/wiki/King_Bradley

9. fma.fandom.com/wiki/Homunculus

10. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homunculus

11.fma.fandom.com/wiki/Philosopher%27s_Stone

12. fma.fandom.com/wiki/Sloth

13.www.amazon.com/Fullmetal-Alchemist-Vol-Hi romu-Arakawa/dp/1591169208

Layout and Illustration by 7ustine

BEST

GAY FAN FICS

Suggestions from Ao3

A full list of all PG-13 Gay Fanfics I have read on Ao3 and suggest fully, including links and summaries for each.

written by omnigenderfluidchaos

https:// archiveofourown. org/ works/38887536/ chapters/97247424

Something to Believe In

by that_onementallyill_kid

A series depicting Drarry falling in love in a modern-day setting with Netflix, Disney+, and lots of detentions with Dumble~whore~ 20 chapters, word count of 25197, completed, work

Image by Monstera via Pexels

Drarry Microfics

by bluefay

https:// archiveofourown. org/ works/38887536/ chapters/97247424

Images by Irina Iriser & Eva Bronzini via Pexels

1 New Match!

by mcplestreet

"James: are you the type that’s not good at taking compliments?

Regulus: yes James: are you the type that can give compliments?

;)

Regulus: the compliment doesn’t come up dead when you have to go fishing for it?

Regulus: thought it would be obvious that I think you’re good looking considering I swiped on you"*

By the time that Regulus matched with James on Tinder, he looked completely different from the last time that he saw his brother. He is older, happier, and even a different gender. He should be concerned about getting good grades and trying to figure out when he is going to meet that handsome boy on his phone, but when he finds out he's going to the same university as his brother, Sirius, everything falls apart. Muggle, university, texting au *taken from text 15 chapters, 49308 words, not completed, work

Image

Rock ‘N’ Roll, Baby!

by queerdeadwizards

https:// archiveofourown. org/ works/40482801/ chapters/101419413

The Marauders rose to fame a few years later in a Muggle AU fic. When James wants to talk to his mother before a concert, he mistypes her number and ends up talking to a cute strangerRegulus Black - whose name sounds slightly familiar. Now, James has to balance work and a secret blossoming romance.

Meanwhile, a romance in the band starts forming right under his nose and he doesn't even notice.

Is The Marauders a band of lovers, or a band that brings the lovers together?

You can find the characters' short backstories and role in the story at this address!

2 chapters, 2758 words, not completed, work

Images by Victor Santos & a koolshooter via Pexels

Created by strawbeariesox

by /u/wiksry and /u/clariannagrindelwald

INTERVIEW

Reese Wicks

Hello Quibblers! By now you must have heard of Reese Wicks’ retirement! To those who don’t know Wik, she is our Executive Editor, Archivist and Spreadsheet Wizard! Everything you see from the sidebar to the Wiki is managed by her and it always remains up to date! Her spreadsheet is the reason for the smooth running of The Quibbler! (I was in absolute awe the first time I saw it!) Wiksry has graciously agreed to an interview upon my request!

Clara : Hi Wik! Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule!

Wik : Hi Clara! Thanks for having me tonight!

Clara : Let's start from the beginning! How did you find The Quibbler and what made you join it?

Wik : I had known of The Quibbler through the /r/ harrypotter community, but it wasn’t until Madam Star flash invited me to reorganise the Quibbler Archives that I joined. I had just revamped the HogwartsWerewolves ar chives, and Star was impressed enough that she asked me to come onboard and see how I could potentially improve The Quibbler’s.

Clara : How did it feel writing your first article for the Magazine?

Wik : I’m more of a “behind the scenes” person, but I have written a few items. My first “real” article was a poem plus an inter view with Jet Odpath. He was compiling poems that had been passed down through his family into a book. We published one of those poems as a preview, and I was lucky enough to get to do the interview with Mr. Odpath.

Created by strawbeariesox

REESE WICKS

Clara : Phew! What are the major struggles you faced in your position throughout these years?

Clara : You are the Editor Executive, how many did you kill to acquire this position? (Prepares to run away)

Wik : Actually, there wasn’t much kill ing. Madam Starflash forbids blood and strongly discourages murder in the Quib bler Castle, and it’s rather hard to avoid her Inner Eye. Hence, murdering others to fulfill my personal ambitions isn’t very convenient for me. I’d hardly know the proper techniques anyways; I’ve never been into the Dark Arts. *laughs* In reality, along with my Archives work, I had been taking on additional responsibilities for a few years. I had also been assisting Madam Starflash in various Quibbler decisions for some time. We eventually decided to make me Executive Editor to make things official. The title “Executive Editor” still feels weird to me though – it feels pompous in a way I hope I’m not.

Wik : Good question! There have been a few. One has been remembering every thing that needs to happen during issue turnover - between when the current issue’s submission deadline passes and when the next issue’s submission dead line opens. Locking things on the subreddit, adjusting the wiki, adjusting the spreadsheet, you get the drill. Making a list definitely helps. Another is that I am naturally introverted. Hence, talking with others, facilitating produc tive discussions, and even sending messages for The Quibbler have made me anxious at times. Being part of The Quibbler, and especially being Executive Editor, has definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone in some good ways. There’s several times that I could have done better, and I so, so wish I had done bet ter. But it’s my hope that all my experienc es, Quibbler or oth erwise, will continue to grow me and push me to do better and be better.

(visibly relaxes)

Clara : That’s Inspiring! How do you manage your work life and personal life?

Wik : There’s a saying I’ve heard: “if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life”. For me, that statement isn’t entirely true. I’ve loved what I’ve done for The Quibbler, and yet I’ve still had periods of burn out. I’ve learned that there must be a balance between my work life and personal life, and that it is okay to take a break from my work life to focus on my mental health and personal wellbeing, whether that meant watching Muggle movies or wandering the streets of Diagon Alley looking for good hair-washing potions.

Clara : You have held the position of Archivist for the past 5 years and you have developed a wonderful work atmosphere, made things so well organ ised and simpler to access and gain information. How scary is it for you to leave behind your beloved work?

Clara : Let's say, something explodes, would you be around to help me with it?

Wik : Those are very kind of you to say! It is a little scary to let go of the things I’ve worked on. And yet, I’ve learned over the years that letting go isn’t nec essarily a negative thing. It’s a good opportunity for others to bring new ideas and perspectives to the work and make it even better. I believe you will do a wonderful job as the new Archivist, and I believe DawnPhoenix will do a wonderful job as the new Spreadsheet Wizard.

Wik : Of course! If you or Dawn ever need assistance or advice, I will be available for you. I can give you some of my enchanted paper airplanes after the interview, if you’d like.

Clara : Thanks Wik! That sounds absolutely won derful! What are you planning on doing after this?

Clara : Oh! Before I forget! I was threatened with potential harm upon taking the Archivist office. Is there anything I should know and be cautious about?

Wik: I have accepted a research position at the Pacific Northwest Institute of Technomancy! It’s very exciting! The research group I’ll be with explores how Muggle computer science can be applied to programmable spellcasting, or “codecasting”. In the past, I’ve – sorry, I am rambling. I’ll most likely be very busy, but I am always open to an owl or a paper airplane from our lovely magazine! Please no Howlers though.

Wik: The Archives office entrance does not exist in one place, as you know - it moves around the Quibbler castle, and it’s never stationary for long. I suspect it has a mind of its own. There have been times when I found the entrance on the literal floor of the fifth floor. There have been times when I stepped out of the office and found that the threshold was three inches above the ground, or right behind the Production office printing machines, or floating on a corridor ceiling.

I had never heard of a “un-pancake-nose” spell before that, haha! I’ve done some codecasting (and reasoning) with the entrance, so the entrance should generally appear at the end of the third floor corridor between the hours of 7:35am and 8:21pm. Who knows - it might like you better and treat you more kindly!

Oh - and whatever you do, do not disturb Madam Starflash’s Lockhart shrine. Having your thousand-and-one consecutive deaths predicted is not a pleasant experience.

(My eyes looked like they are about to pop out, thankfully I managed to gather myself with grace)

(Whispers to readers: I strongly believe in ‘Curiosity kills the cat, but satisfaction brings it back” Don’t worry I will take all necessary pre cautions!)

Clara : I am forever grateful for the warning. I will be nowhere near that daunting place! I also need to be pretty careful about the office and where it throws me out when I’m leaving! No overnight work ings in the office! To remove all those dark vibes which Vinun and Neeshly love so much, it would be great if you could share any one memory with The Quibbler that you would forever cherish. Wik : Gladly. It was an incredible feeling when Star asked me to do the subreddit wiki, and then eventually the staff spreadsheet. Getting to be part of something so wonderful as The Quibbler helped me pull through some hard things I was experiencing at the time. On a less solemn note, breaking into Madam Starflash’s Divination Tower. At the time, I was scared to death that I would be fired, but now Star and I look back at this event and laugh. I think she laughs. I think. Star, if you are reading this, I’m still sorry for breaking in! Although the knowledge I gained was quite useful, so perhaps it was still worth it? Um… next question please! [On an out-of-character note, I got to do some worldbuilding and combine this universe’s magic rules with my field of computer science. Star enthu siastically OK'd this article and kindly provided descriptions of her office to assist with my “ad venture”. Combining these with the quirky silliness that comes with being in The Quibbler was incredibly fun!]

Clara : This is a very important question! What is your house after Ravencalw that you relate to the most? (Whispers to read ers: I am expecting the obvious answer! Slytherin!)

Wik : Definitely Hufflepuff. I’ve had a few opportunities to ask the Sorting Hat to reevaluate me, and it actually wanted to place me in Hufflepuff first and Ravenclaw second. But I choose to be Ravenclaw first and Hufflepuff second because I believe that truth and wisdom are most important, but if said truth and wisdom are to be effective and lasting, they must be combined with kind ness and empathy.

Clara : Is there some thing that you would like to share with our readers?

Thank you Wik! You are a wonderful person and I enjoyed these past months that I spent in your compa ny! It was incredibly fun and educational. Thank you for your trust, I hope to continue your work for the Magazine and continue the fantastic standards that you have maintained! The Pacific Northwest Institute of Technomancy is very lucky to have you and I am excited to hear more about your research! Thanks Wik for everything you have done and being here tonight!!

This Interview was sponsored by ‘Raid Shadows Wraiths’ and ‘HallowSpace’

Wik : As Star says, without our dear readers, there is no Quibbler. Thank you for reading our silly lit tle magazine, and I hope it brings as many smiles to your faces as it does to mine. It’s been an honour and a privilege to be the Archivist, Spreadsheet Wizard, and Execu tive Editor for you all and for our incredibly talented and wonderful staff!

On Tuesday, July 19 at promptly 3pm Eastern/12pm Pacific, I typed in www.lastweektickets.com/ to my browser to put my name and email down for the ticket lottery. It’s a very simple process, though you don’t hear back until a few days before the taping date. For us, that was by August 2nd. Due to some cancellations, we were contacted on August 5th with late openings for the show. Tickets for Last Week Tonight (LWT) are incredibly hard to come by and once you have attended any taping in the past you are asked not to apply for tickets again. Because we are not often in the NYC area, we decided to go for it (even though it caused some conflicts in our Saturday plans).

You still have to reply back to confirm that you will be able to attend. Note: they state you will be removed from their list of free television events if you confirm and do not attend. Then they have you do two COVID related surveys (one is a waiver and one is a health screening) after you confirm that you will attend.

Regarding COVID, as of this writing (August 2022) you have to have received your initial 2 doses of the vaccination as well as the booster shot. They are very specific about how to show proof of vaccination as well (only paper vaccination cards OR acceptable state apps/websites – they accepted WAVerify, as well as Docket and other state apps). My experience with this was a little stressful because they didn’t list WAVerify on their email specifically, though they did for other apps. However, their email correspondence was very prompt, and I received answers my questions within fifteen minutes.

On show day, they admit you starting at 3pm and no later than 3:25, but you can queue up earlier. They provided a KN95 mask (though we were asked to wear our own) and they checked ID and verified vaccination status. After that, you were sent through security (metal detector and bag check) and then you received a wristband and sat in a waiting room with other audience members.

The wait here was approximately 45 minutes. They provided water bottles and you could get snacks from the vending machine and use the restroom. Photos and cell phone use was fine in the waiting area, but you were instructed to turn your phones off before going into the studio. Once we got to the studio area (up a few flights of stairs), a production assistant put us in specific seating arrangements and then we waited around again.

Unfortunately, they had some “legal issues” they were trying to work out, so our wait was approximately 45 minutes, and they gave us the impression that that was an unusually long wait time.

They have a comedian warm us up prior to John Oliver taking the stage. This comedian had the job of instructing us what to do, making us laugh and loosen up before John, and tossing t-shirts into the crowd.

Then John came on and he took some Q&A from the audience. I’m not sure if this would have been a longer segment if there wasn’t an issue they had to take care of, but it was fun nonetheless. The first question pulled no punches, and was: “What is your take on the current conflict on Armenia and the genocide happening there?”

He laughed, clarified that he was not laughing AT her and said, “I love this audience. Some shows their Q&A is ‘what sandwich do you like?’ here it's ‘what is your take on Armenia and genocide?’” and ultimately said, “That is a fantastic question and not one I feel comfortable going into in this format as it deserves a full episode.”

The questions after that were what the differences were between British and American humo(u)r, follow up about his mascot, and two questions regarding earlier segments. (He didn’t feel there was much of a difference now due to how much crossover there has been over the years starting with Monty Python and more recently with Jon Stewart and late night talk shows. His mascot is free from him and he doesn’t have any updates on them. And the earlier segments, I cannot remember the first question, but the second was yes, they will do a piece again on countries you might not have thought about, but obviously he won’t say when.)

After the Q&A they launched into a short bit about a frequent caller to C-SPAN and then their opening segment (which was about Alex Jones). After that, of course, it went to their Monkeypox segment. I won’t talk too much about the show or summarize that. It’s available to watch online, but I will mention that he only really messed up enough to redo takes 3 or 4 times. There was a part that he had to redo several times and he apologized for that, saying he knows that he knows it’s absolutely the best part of being an audience to have to pretend that a joke we heard not 4 minutes ago was 100% as funny as the first time we heard it.

At the end, there were a couple of pronunciations that he had to redo and once those were done, that was the end of the taping. There was a little bit more waiting to leave as they released us in sections.

Unfortunately, as I mentioned, there was no photography allowed in the studio. But there actually wasn’t much to take pictures of. They have the set, but you sometimes see that in the episode and otherwise, it was just a long hallway with posters of the other shows, an elevator area, and finally you enter the studio. As we left, we took a few pictures outside of the building and headed home. All in all, it was a fun experience that I would love to repeat, but as we won’t we allowed to apply for tickets again, I may see about trying to attend a taping of The Late Show or The Daily Show.

Photos by strawbeariesox (Bonnie)

Layout by 7ustine

Created by strawbeariesox

Created by strawbeariesox

INDEPENDENT ART QUIBBLER

created by Bubbles_The_Defender

The Psychic Powers of Ekanstaerg: the Horned Serpent

written by Mathias_Greyjoy

In this Fall edition of the Quibbler I want ed to write in to the Department of Mag ical Plants & Creatures to share with you a wondrous new discovery! I have gotten together with a friend and fellow Reddi tor to showcase a unique depiction of the mysterious Horned Serpent. A magical snake found in several regions of the world, but was most common in North America. The Horned Serpent plays an important role in the story of Isolt Sayre, and the founding of Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Designed by me, and drawn by the user El-psy-congroo-01, this depiction actu ally comes from a fan made Pokémon game some friends and I are working on. It is set in the region of Ryuku, which refers to Hoenn as it was known during discovery and settlement, in a historical period about a century before the mod ern era of Pokémon games in Hoenn: Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire etc. It is inspired by Legends: Arceus in its scope and tone!

Wewanted to create a Fakémon based on, and inspired by the Horned Serpent found in many Native American mythologies, and Wizarding world acclaim. For those unaware, Fakémon are fake Pokémon, and refer to non-canonical Pokémon created by fans of the popular Japanese franchise. Our Fakémon is a regional form evolution of the Pokémon Ekans. A regional form, also known as a regional variant, is an alternate form of a Pokémon species that is found in a specific Pokémon region. These forms differ from those found in the region where the Pokémon was introduced, even in most cases so far, to the point of having a different type. I’m sure those of you who are veteran Pokémon fans will remem ber Kantonian Ekans and Arbok. We decided to create a regional form of Ekans, and a new split evolution named Ekanstaerg.

The name Ekans is of course derived from the backwards spelling of snake, while Arbok is derived from cobra spelled backwards. We wanted to be consistent with the naming theme of the Ekans line, so we went with Ekanstaerg, which Is Great Snake backwards, another name used by Native Americans for the Horned Serpent.

Our regional form of Ekans is a Poison/Water type, based

on a sea krait: a type of venomous sea snake. We went with the Water/Psychic typing for its evolution for several reasons. Its eyes have a hypnotic power to them, and this creature has been described across mythology and Potter lore as living in bodies of water such as lakes and rivers, being very mystical, and very Psychic!

The physical inspiration for Ekanstaerg came from a few different places, namely the mythologies of North American Indigenous cultures. Details vary among tribes, with many of the stories associating the mystical figure with water, rain, lightning and thunder. They are typically described as dragon-like serpents with Stag horns and long teeth. Horned serpents also appear in European and Near Eastern mythology. To the Muscogee people, the Horned Serpent is a type of underwater serpent covered with iridescent, crystalline scales and a single, large crystal in its forehead. Both the scales and crystals are prized for their powers of divination. The horns, called chitto gab-by, were used in medicine. Ekanstaerg was also inspired by the Japanese Mizuchi. A type of Japanese dragon or legendary serpent-like creature, either found in an aquatic habitat or otherwise connected to water. Some commentators perceived it to have been a water deity.

by strawbeariesox

- Ekans PokéDex Entry -

This is Ekans as it appears in the Ryuku region. Its Ryukuian form is a threatened Pokémon that has been over hunted by poachers for Its highly prized skin and medicinal venom. This rare form has be come better adapted to aquatic life than the previ ously discovered form of Ekans. It swims silently and stealthily, but is clumsy on land when it goes ashore to lay its eggs in caves, or to hunt its favourite foods. Ekans is a gluttonous Pokémon. It loves to eat the eggs of birds such as Tail low and Wingull, whole. In the sea it catches fish with its paralysing venom. Its jaw can detach to swallow large prey, but such a meal can make Ekans too heavy to move or become stuck and cause it to faint. It grows longer as it ages. When first born, it has no poison, so its bite is painful, but harmless. Ryukuian Ekans appear to be active both day and night. In the morning, and sometimes late in the afternoon, they can be seen at the sur face basking in the sunlight, and they dive when disturbed. When they need to sleep they will wrap their long body around driftwood or coral to rest.

by strawbeariesox

- Ekanstaerg PokéDex Entry -

Ekans in the Ryuku region can evolve into this Pokémon. Evolution occurs when Ekans are exposed to a special stone. Ekanstaerg do not get along with Milotic or Gyarados, so they choose to live at the bottom of large empty lakes, or in rivers flow ing through the forest. This intelligent Pokémon is able to understand human speech. Ekanstaerg's presence is rarely seen, but often felt by those connected to the mystical energy of the lake. It is considered a highly special event if one chooses to reveal itself to you. This Pokémon's eyes have a hypnotic power to them, which it uses to trans fix its prey with powerful psychic energy, freez ing them in place. It is said Ekanstaerg's eyes can pierce through the foggiest mists and even the murky dark depths of the lake. It has a powerful tail capable of propelling itself rapidly through the water. The striking pattern on its tail is of ten depicted on carved wooden paddles.

Icons by flaticon

HOGWARTS HORror-SCOPES

CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL

(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)

Your closest friend will cast a Disillusionment Charm upon you, and it will go so badly wrong that you will find yourself unable to be seen by anyone except the caster and anyone who wit nessed the charm being placed. Taking advantage of your chameleon-like appearance is inadvisable unless you plan to use it to torment a certain author, who shall remain nameless.

AQUARIUS THE KELPIE

(JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH)

You and a “friend” will find yourselves drawn to a deep, dangerous body of water. Then your socalled “friend” will show their true colors, pushing you into the endless abyss. Using the Bubble-Head Charm non-verbally is the only hope you have, so make sure you’ve been practicing spells without speaking!

PISCES

THE MERMAN (FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH)

When you find yourself with webbed toes and seaweed lodged in unmentionable places, you may regret messing around with that Gillyweed. Care fully and discreetly dispose of it. Yes, the entire stash! Then get yourself into St. Mungo’s. They’ll know what to do with you.

ARIES

THE HIPPOGRIFF (MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH)

A grievous injury will befall you, and a failed attempt at healing will leave you with large talons on your fingers and large feathery wings on your back. After clawing the friend who was supposed to be fixing your broken leg, take advantage of your newfound flight and fly to St. Mungo’s for a proper mending.

TAURUS THE WEREWOLF (APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)

At the full moon, your eyes will turn a sickly shade of yellow. This can be attributed to the ingestion of too many bananas, which is a dangerous pas time even when not consuming enough to poison oneself with potassium, as bananas are evil and disgusting. Ditch the foul yellow fruit, which is disturbingly a type of berry, immediately.

GEMINI THE VEELA

(MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH)

Upon consuming too much butter, you will find yourself glowing brightly beneath the moon. This may be hazardous to your health, as it will attract the sorts of creatures you’d rather not run into directly to your body. Stay indoors until daybreak and stop eating sticks of butter.

CANCER THE FIRECRAB

(JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND)

Your rear end will begin to shoot fire without warning. The flames will be paired with the com pletely expected noxious fumes that come from eating too many beans. To avoid the undeniable embarrassment of the smell, not to mention the destruction of many a seat cushion, take some printed tweets from the author-who-shall-notbe-named and fashion them into a diaper. Then charm the rest of the house to be fire-proof.

LEO THE SPHINX

(JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND)

You will be jinxed from behind and your speech will be impeded by constant rhyming. The ensuing riddles will be unsolvable, however, and you will have a constant urge to attack your friends over their incorrect guesses. Make liberal use of the Silencing Charm until the effects wear off, which should only take about a month.

VIRGO THE UNICORN

(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)

A large and unusual wooden growth will appear in the middle of your forehead, which will greatly hinder your ability to function in a normal day-today manner. All magical attempts to remove it will fail. Brace yourself. The only way to get rid of the unsightly thing is to take a silver dagger and cut it off at the base. But rejoice! The leafy remnants can be brewed into a lovely tea to offer your dearest enemy.

LIBRA THE DRAGON

(SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND)

You will break out in horribly painful, impenetra ble scales in a loathsome green color upon con suming a tea made by someone you once counted as a friend.

SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE

(OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST)

Upon seeing your closest friend accidentally cut open their hand, you will develop a sudden blood lust that you will not be able to control. You must immediately send said friend away, chain yourself to the nearest door to keep others safe, and then hex off your own nose.

SAGITTARIUS

THE CENTAUR

(NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST)

You will find that you have sprouted thick purple hair in unexpected places. You will be particularly surprised by the tail that will grow overnight. In order to tame it, you’ll need liberal amounts of Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion, an enchanted razor, and a lot of patience. Never fear, however; you’ll still be able to drink your sorrows away in the Hog’s Head. They get a lot of funny folk in there.

Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!

Classifieds

Reach your Prospects First

BUSINESS / OFFERS

de vIne And dAughters

CrystAl BAlls: Shatterproof, WellPolished, Earth-shattering Revelations Guaranteed

MonsIeur sAnfIn Chaudrons

"A Touch of Class"

sorCel ArMs hotel:

Home Away From Home

For the Witch and Wizard Abroad

Alonzo zeMA pAper & twIne

A to Z in

No Billionaires

shyverwretCh's

No. 14 Knockturn Alley

The Last Stop Shop

Caput Mortuum

No 27 Diagon Alley

No Bones About It We Sell Bones

house elf plACeMent AgenCy

We have house-elves eager to serve

Families of means and standing

By appointment only

HELP WANTED

Are you discreet? Can you lift more than 100 pounds? Willing to get your hands dirty? If you answered yes to any of these questions, please meet me at Crystal Lake 2AM Friday morning.

Starting rate is 15 galleons an hour, but I'm willing to negotiate. Bring nondescript black clothing and a pair of gloves.

The daily ProPheT

Delivery Worker Needed for Owl-Free Zones

4 Sickles per Drop Apparition License Required

Seeking Asst. Metallurgist/ Campanologist

Nell's Bells, No. 51 Diagon Alley Competitive Pay

LOST & FOUND

MISSING Comet 257

My son flew to Aberdeen and can't remember where he parked it

Any leads would be appreciated

Mitchell Kirk, Bridge of Don

I left my copy of The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore (signed first edition) at the cafe across from Madam Malkins, please help! I'm at the Leaky Cauldron, Room 9

Edward Trelling

Been at the Hog's Head bar three days now

Please come collect him

Has anyone seen a cursed dagger near Royal Albert Dock in Liverpool? Asking for a friend.

Wand found outside Gringotts, 9 1/8 inches, looks like birch, kind of bendy I guess. Currently possessed by Emilia Grunsnipe of Berrick Prior

REAL ESTATE

Urquart Castle, Banchory, Scotland. Gothic Architecture styled, 17th Century Castle. 3 towers, 4 levels and 1 basement. Property includes Quidditch Pitch, Pond and 3 acres of fine Oak trees. Willing to negotiate a fair price. You have been warned: Any intent of Deception will have wands drawn with a permanent appointment in St. Mungos!

Penmaenuchaf Hall

Penmaenpool, Dolgellau 120,250 Galleons OBO

Owls Find Umber Constwaithe 2275 Gainsthorpe Rd Hibaldstow DN21 4JH

1995 Galleons Firm As Is

Beggar's Brae

Worth What It's Worth Offers to Saoirse Ruane Tournafulla Upper

Contributors: starflashfairy, iguerr, KackelDackel, eldis_, Tipsytippett, XanCanStand

LAW ENFORCEMENT REPORTS

BREAKING NEWS:

MLE is pleased to announce live reports of some of these logs on Wizard radio station, "Twitch.tv/powergamersdandd" every other Friday at 6:30PM PST

MAGICAL LAW ENFORCEMENT PATROL:

◊ August 13, 2022 2:45PM - Chudley Cannons team manager issued a citation for running an illegal bingo parlor. Citizens are reminded that bingo was outlawed by the wizengamot in 1824 and you all know why.

◊ August 24, 2022 5:09AM - Teenage witch arrested for attempting to break into Grin gotts. When questioned the suspect claimed she “wasn’t seriously going to do it.”

◊ September 4, 2022 6:48PM - Aurors called out to a home in Cardiff to deal with a domestic disturbance. Authorities found a elderly wizard fist fighting with a parrot. Both parties were taken into custody.

DEPARTMENT FOR THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES:

◊ August 17, 2022 6:49AM - A menagerie advertising “swamp dragons'' was shut down by authorities after it was discovered the business had been importing common muggle alligators. Both dragons and alliga tors are illegal to own in the UK.

◊ September 19, 2022 7:04AM - A parrot was cited for jay-walking. This is the parrot’s

second brush with the law this month. Au thorities warned him of a third strike.

◊ September 24, 2022 9:18PM - Aurors were called to a vacant lot in Dublin to deal with reports of a banshee. Authorities dis covered the banshee was actually a common goat with unusually strong vocal chords. The goat was relocated to a less populated area. No arrests were made.

DEPARTMENT OF INTOXICAT ING SUBSTANCES

◊ August 28, 2022 4:42AM - London wiz ard arrested for selling gummy bears. The gummy bears were not of dubious or illegal nature, but locals reported he was “being weird about it”.

◊ August 29, 2022 9:15AM - Liverpool bar maid cited for false advertising for putting too little butter in her butterbeer.

IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE

◊ August 1, 2022 2:58PM - Parents of a Norfolk witch cited for allowing their daughter to use magic outside of school hours.

◊ September 25, 2022 9:15AM - Ipswich wizard arrested for failing to register his par rot animagus form. Suspect is on his third strike and currently awaiting sentencing.

◊ September 27, 2022 1:32AM - Glasgow wizard issued a fine for using his toilet seat as an unauthorized portkey.

The Minister of Magic and The Head of Magical Law Enforcement would like to

Witch

Spells

world safe.

Auror Logs

Author: KackelDackel

Layout: anne_seelmann (Using a template made by u/Mathy16)

Classifieds

Contributors:

• KackelDackel

• XanCanStand

• clariannagrindelwald

Layout: anne_seelmann (Using a template made by u/Mathy16)

Cover Layout: anne_seelmann (Using a template made by u/Mathy16)

Illustration: wiksry

Sources: https://imgur.com/a/iVftFeG

Castles and Burrows

‘Care for your Castle: Eldis' Top Tips for a Hygienic House: Kitchen Edition’

Author: Eldis_ Layout: anne_seelmann Illustration: Eldis_

Photos: Anete Lusina Charlotte May Clem Onojeghuo cottonbro Dmitry Zvolskiy Dominika Roseclay

Kindel Media Liliana Drew Lina Kivaka MART PRODUCTION Melike Benli Mikhail Nilov Niki Nagy SHVETS production Taryn Elliott Tima Miroshnichenko

Sources: https://imgur.com/a/sPl8m3Q https://www.pexels.com

Crafts, Hobbies, and Brews

‘Pumpkin Juice Cookies’

Author: Bubbles_The_Defender Layout: anne_seelmann Photo: Bubbles_The_Defender

Dark Arts

‘List of mildly cursed things’

Author: ElPapo131 strawbeariesox Layout: SinsationalDoom Illustration: SinsationalDoom

Sources: https://imgur.com/a/0bOBrvC

‘Marked By The Dark Episode 4: High Jinx, Isolda's Story’

Author: Neeshky

Layout: 7ustine Illustration: 7ustine

Divination

‘Hogwarts Horoscopes Fall 2022’

Author: starflashfairy Layout: anne_seelmann Education

‘A New Sorting Hat Song’

Author: nuhanala

Layout: 7ustine

Entertainment

‘Mozzy's Moxies: Philosopher's Stones, Alchemy, Homunculi, Oh My: A Look at the Magic of Fullmetal Alchemist’

Author: Zelda_Cat34 Layout: 7ustine Illustration: 7ustine

‘Best Gay Fanfiction Suggestions From Ao3’

Author: omnigenderfluidchaos Layout: anne_seelmann

Photos: Eva Bronzini Irina Iriser A Koolshooter Victor Santos

Sources: https://www.pexels.com https://www.freepik.com

‘ Tree’

Author: nuhanala Layout: anne_seelmann Illustration: Tali Sources: https://imgur.com/a/YZjV8GC

Independent Art

‘Postcards’

Artist: strawbeariesox

Sources: https://imgur.com/a/CKM6fFv https://imgur.com/a/TyH6YH7 https://imgur.com/a/x0OohrP https://imgur.com/a/3wW0MT5 https://imgur.com/a/1zDOdyV

‘The Tipsy House Elf ’ Artist: Bubbles_The_Defender Sources: https://imgur.com/a/aPeSHPa https://imgur.com/a/zxcKN0s

‘Charity Masquerade’ Artist: radioactivepuppo Sources: https://imgur.com/a/F4VbmJN

‘Nature Photography’

Artist: AaishaM

Sources: https://imgur.com/8tRR4iL https://imgur.com/PxYwYfk

‘ Wiksry’

Artist: wiksry Sources: https://imgur.com/a/iVftFeG

‘Pumpkin Carvin’

Artist: 7ustine

‘End of Autumn’

Artist: 7ustine Sources: https://imgur.com/a/Mdz5znY

‘Untitled’ Artist: anne_seelmann Sources: https://imgur.com/a/LHiGRoc

Magical Plants and Creatures

‘The Psychic Powers of Ekanstaerg: the Horned Serpent’

Author: Mathias_Greyjoy Layout: anne_seelmann Illustration: El-psy-congroo-01 Sources: https://imgur.com/a/CTUGawz https://www.flaticon.com

News and Features

‘EDITOR'S DESK FALL 2022’

Author: starflashfairy Layout: anne_seelmann

‘Auror Logs 2022’

Author: KackelDackel Layout: anne_seelmann

‘Queen For a Day’

Author: silvertail8 Layout: SinsationalDoom Illustration: SinsationalDoom Sources: https://imgur.com/a/LDSUxVu

‘Interview with Reese Wicks’ Authors: clariannagrindelwald wiksry Layout: anne_seelmann Travel

‘Last Week Tonight with Bonnie’ Author: strawbeariesox Layout: 7ustine Photos: strawbeariesox Sources: https://imgur.com/a/395GkYR

Image via Freepik