Nielsen kidnaps 25 children, makes a new political party Gill fights Mafia affiliation allegations

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Last Friday, an anonymous SPHS student reported seeing English teacher Denise Gill at the Red Line station in North Hollywood, exchanging a brief case for a thick closed envelope. Gill was spotted in black wide-leg jeans, a black knit cardigan, and a black “Nevertheless, She Persisted” tee shirt. The second party remains unidentified. Questions have risen since the incident concerning Gill’s true identity, how exactly she can be held accountable, and if she should be held accountable: is Gill mafia-affiliated? Is Gill an ex-member? Who will be the first to get hurt?

Denise Gill has earned a reputation for being the “spiritual, Bahama Mama” of SPHS. Gill promotes chilled teaching methods, including daily gratitude and frequent stretch breaks. Her students understand that her classroom is a safe space of relaxation. However, since allegations have spread, students and staff are growing increasingly convinced of the possibility that Gill might have connections to Mafia sub-branches, and conspiracies in this defense have begun to arise.

“Only people who have seen stuff are that big on gratitude,” senior Jordan Mullin said. “She’s always reminding us that we have it good, making us jot down what we’re grateful for. One time she said, ‘Count your blessings’.”

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AP United States Government teacher and Social Studies Department Chair Maryann Nielsen is being charged with kidnapping and attempted sedition by the bureaucracy of the federal government. After forcing 25 SPHS seniors out of their beds on Sunday, Mar. 19 and onto a plane headed towards the capital of the American nation, the group has faced turmoil as Ms. Nielsen has attempted the creation of her political party: aptly titled the “Tigress” party.

This is not the first time that Ms. Nielsen has tried to overthrow the government and storm the political climate of the American nation. Her last attempt was in 2019, but she was forced to go into hiding due to suspicion from the Federal Bureau Investigation and the South Pasadena Unified School District. With the government focused on investigating Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and Chinese sky balloons, Ms. Nielsen has taken the chance to take over the capital once again.

Seniors in attendance have noted Ms. Nielsen’s strange and off putting behavior since their arrival in Washington D.C. From sudden disappearances to green, scaly patches of skin, a majority of those traveling are shocked by the sudden changes their teacher has outside of the classroom. As opposed to her typically tilted head at sleeping students and descriptions of a random political cartoon, seniors state she has been acting extremely erratic and anxious, “I heard a knock on my bedroom door and when I looked through the hole, nobody was there,” hostage Abigail Greene said . “I opened [the door], and there were claw marks and red hair strands on my door spelling out ‘Wakanda Forever, Kamala Harris supports this message.’”

Hostages have noted the inhumane and worrying conditions in which they have had to participate in. Deliberating and debating the inclusion of the LGBTQ+ community in civil rights legislation against 70 North Dakotans, a handful of Floridians, and a series of Oklahomans and Nebraskans has created tension amongst the Californian attendees.

“We are fighting an army of die-hard conservatives who each own like ten guns,” said senior Liam Wright. “The entire state of North Dakota is here and like half of South Dakota. It’s like Scott Pilgrim vs. the World except Scott Pilgrim is California and the world is conservative states.”

Nielsen’s thought process behind putting SPHS seniors through these conditions is to harden them to the realities of the political climate; she curates a strong mentality in each attendee to prepare them for representing the Tigress. Fighting for required dyed, red hair and mandatory K-12 Civic Action Projects for all Americans, the Tigress’ platform focuses on what Ms. Nielsen loves most: civic engagement and hair dye.

Ms. Nielsen currently awaits a trial in the Supreme Court, as she fights her charges in the landmark, class-action case Nielsen v. Literally Every SPHS AP Gov Student Ever. Her attorney, Ms. Maryann Nielsen, plans on utilizing the “Necessary and Proper” clause to reveal the necessity of kidnapping seniors and beginning her own political party (an embarrassing interpretation of Article I, Section 8, Clause 18.) She is set to go on trial and represent herself in front of the Supreme Court on Monday, May 1, the same day as the AP United States Government AP Exam.