The Tiger Manifesto

1.) We do not seek the council or approval of any member of the oppressive institution, except for Ms. Prime. We may accidentally call Ms. Prime “Mom” from time to time, and those are the only accidents that can be forgiven.

2.) We refuse to comply with Snapchat. We believe Snapchat fits into the same niche and fears the same dangers as adult coloring books, picking up Dad’s old guitar, and whippets: gateways to witchcraft.

3.) We refuse to comply with BYOB.

4.) We find power in unassuming boldness and utter gibberish. We follow the lead of women in this genre: Yoko Ono, Bjork, Betty Boop, Niko Sudijono, Minnie Mouse.

No one needs to know what the citizens think. Journalism is stupid. There is no such thing. The “truth” isn’t even the truth and it makes other people look sooooooo bad. That’s so mean and immature and it ruins so many plans. I’m all for suppression of free speech for all, if I’m being honest. Freedom of press is dumb and truly, the newspaper and journalism industry doesn’t make profit in the long run. They make money, then immediately spend it. Who is it really benefiting? Not the subjects. Not the readers. No one even reads it so what’s the point anyways?

Moral of the story, students aren’t citizens because they’re so young, so they don’t even have the rights written in the Constitution, first of all. Second, they’re lying half of the time, it’s embarrassing for adults. Third, journalism is so dumb lol. No one cares. So kiddos, maybe tone it down a little and stop pretending like you’re all that with what you think are Watergate scandal coverages. No one cares and it’s bad. Stop writing. Stop speaking. Stop anythinging. Stop. No.

a.) Any closeted white man who wears a gold chain and holds onto sports for dear life to prove his masculinity to his more or less absent father. These men are not to be associated with, only pitied.

b.) Similarly, any closeted bisexual man who wears a string of SHEIN pearls around his neck. SHEIN pearls are a symbol of the oppressive institution. These men will hurt The Party’s vision of the New World, by which these men will only play Tame Impala or Steve Lacy on AUX.

c.) Aphex Twin.

d.) Any man who reads books.

STORY VLADIMIR PUTITIN, philanthropist ILLUSTRATION VLADIMIR PUTITIN, philanthropist

Workingmen of all countries unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains, you have a world to win! If there is to be a revolution, there must be a revolutionary party, and one must live and breathe the Party’s eight commandments.

Running Awayyy

STORY TIGER’S RESIDENT CUTIE, Mostest juciest ILLUSTRATION RIZZILY RICKROLLING TO RICKY, My heart is buried in marinara

Hey mom! Running away from home isn’t so bad! You won’t have the burden of paying for everything i have like idk, clothes, my phone bill, my adorable pencil cases, etc. I can be free, you can be free, yada yada yada. And yes I know you would have some objections to my “evil-ish” plan to run away but ill lay out my plan for you:

Step 1: I leave on a raft. You don’t even have to buy the materials I need to build my sorry excuse of a boat raft thing tbh. The old-school, ditching-class packing a hobo stick and sack and riding away Tom-SawyerHuck-Finn style. Adventure comes to those who go looking for it.

Step 2: I find a castle on an island. Ykyk the perfect fantasy of having nothing but butlers serving you crazy expensive breakfast in bed. Yeah, I want all that. Ima find everything I had dreamed about since I came out your womb. I can run around on my own private island, that i will of course name THE LAND OF FREE

5.) We fight hate with hate and embrace the use of ad hominem attacks. We laugh in the face of The Party’s doubters. We say to them “GAY” or “I get why yo daddy left”.

6.) Alcohol is poison. Death is inevitable.

7.) All people are equal, but some are more equal than others. These types of people are not our comrades: e.) Any alt girl who happens to have millions of dollars behind her/their name. She/they has a family of landlords behind her/them.

TANGERINES. I will have cupcakes and sandwiches galore! The most perfect alternate plan in contrast to the simple life we live.

Step 3: After about 10 years of living alone in my personal paradise on THE LAND OF FREE TANGERINES, I will inevitably become bored with my now simple life of butlers and breakfast in bed. I will begin to miss everything about home. But then I remember that dreaded school. The crusty bathrooms with vapes and girls gone wild. I will remember how happy I was to run away from this umm…nasty cringe school.

Step 4: I find enlightenment, or whatever it’s called. I get to go into the next world of death or a new life (that’s another topic for another day lmao). We can both meet there and truly live happily ever after.

Yasssss ik you will be confused with this obviously detailed and intricate plan i have devised, but look on the bright side, I always loved the water, and leaving on a raft will set my awesome plan in motion. Lao Tzu said it best: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” My first single step is to pack my god awful hacky sack. Welp, later losers, im out.

8.) We challenge tyrannical conformity by refusing to look Her in the eyes…those cold, ocean eyes…that fiery red hair.