It sucks to be white

STORY VLADIMIR PUTITIN, philanthropist ILLUSTRATION JAPAN LEE

Ever since paying attention to social issues became trendy on the Internet, I have started to feel outcast, ridiculed, and even unsafe solely for my identity. My social media feeds flood every day with viral videos of people making fun of people like me, and I’m losing the patience to keep pretending to laugh along. I am a White man (the “W” in “White” is capitalized, before you try to correct me), and these days, I just don’t feel as comfortable as I should in my own skin. In fact, it is in my opinion that the White race is enormously disadvantaged in today’s world. Being White is not a magical ticket out of unhappiness. There are plenty of depressed White folks (e.g., Adele). One of the worst aggressions White people face is that we have stupid, boring names. Have you ever wanted to get down with your homies Hunter Smith and Aidan Miller? My best friend’s name is Dustin. It’s embarrassing. When introducing myself, I have this urge to say, “What’s good, I’m DeAndre” or “Konichiwa, my name is Jimin”, but I can’t. My Whiteness is depriving me of that dope ethnic swag. Another downside to being White is that every Asian girl I hit on thinks I have some sort of “Asian fetish”. First of all, I don’t see color, and second, I gotta love my oriental baddies. I don’t think it should be considered racist to appreciate Asian beauty (I’m talking about the pale ones, by the way). On the topic of not seeing color, nor does my temper. It’s ridiculous to me that when I beat up POC individuals or POC groups, I’ve suddenly “committed a hate crime”. I’m innocent, so why does this world see me as some guilty, suspicious danger?

The White man has become a scapegoat of sorts; people are so quick to blame things like “institutionalism” or “slavery” for their problems, both of which I had nothing to do with. It seems fit to mention that I own three Black Lives Matter tote bags which I use to carry my MacBook Pro, durag, and copy of Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World. If the POC caucus just let me speak, they would understand that I’m the best ally they could ask for. I was actually voted Youth and Government’s most politically active delegate in 2019. Of course, this was before I got banned for using too many slurs, but that’s besides the point.

As a kid, you don’t realize this “race” stuff because everything is so simple. No one makes assumptions based on how you look, no one cares about how you look, really. I like to tell my therapist, who is Latina, that the oppression I face is an experience I can’t even put into words, despite the fact that it, alongside Breaking Bad, is all I will ever talk about.

I am tired of false perceptions that are thrown upon and unapologetically harm the White community. I know a lot of great White people – by which I mean all the people I know are White – and we are diverse. I’m sick of the stereotypes, I no longer want to be grouped with redneck perverts who masterbate to RNC speeches or uppermiddle class White gays who should have gotten bullied in middle school but didn’t.

Somewhere along the timeline, the narrative switched up on who the top dog of America is. Obviously, there is no “top dog” in races. That’s explicit racism. However, to be more implicit, whenever I am mocked for my clammy, sunburnt flesh or my bulbous orbs of eyes, I wish they would remember who they’re talking to. Sure being White might help me buy a house, or get a job, or stay out of prison, but I truly don’t want to be seen for my Whiteness. Underneath those alleged layers of privilege is a regular guy – a dawg, if you will.

Tiger’s cheers and jeers as true italians

BOO to Round Table. Literally Mamma Miwhat.

BOO to vacation islands…mamma mia-HERE WE GO AGAIN

BOO to canned ravioli. Absolute blasphemy.

BOO to tour guides. Might you want to have a Rome around?

BOO to DNA. you really tried copying our pasta huh.

BRAVO to Mario. YAHHHOOOO!

BRAVO to Italian belly dancers. You feta believe them hotties.

BRAVO to… fuhgeddaboutit.

BRAVO to that one Italian chef who died recently. He pasta way… RIP…

BRAVO to tomatoes…my preciousssssss