UPDATE: CHECK IN ON EXILED TIGER MEMBERS

Many previous members of the Tiger Newspaper staff were exiled from the class for their political crimes. Among them, seniors Sam Grotenstein and Alison Wang, junior Charlotte Dekle, and sophomore Martin Walsh contributed to the 2021-2022 Newspaper but are no longer in the class in 2022-2023.

Sam Groteinstein left the school to pursue his ambitions of overthrowing the government of Somalia. He has since established a newspaper to spew communist, pro-Jewish,and antiCollin propaganda. The United Nations has designated him as a terrorist, but he continues to insist that his political ventures are entirely legal and even sexy. Rumor has it that, to this day, he marks up every single issue of Tiger Newspaper (looking for orphans and widows) with a red pen.

Alison, in contrast, joined a militant nunnery. She now dedicates her energy to ensuring that gay marriage stays illegal in developing countries. Recently, her lobbying efforts in Ethiopia have helped to keep the gay dating app Grindr off the market.

“It’s hard to explain, but it just sort of makes sense,” said an anonymous member of the Tiger staff.

Unfortunately, Martin’s whereabouts are not specifically known, but Consensus seems to be that he was last seen boarding a boat in Mexico with an airsoft handgun and a half ounce of smelling salts. Since then, various eye-witnesses have placed him everywhere from Panama to the coast of California. While it is mostly likely that he is dead, his spirit lives on in his tremendous collection of handmade quilts and in the many illegitimate children that he fostered.

Charlotte Dekle, without a doubt, turned out better than the rest of them. After quitting Tiger, Dekle undertook the task of writing the epic of the common man. While this venture failed, she found far more success after joining the cast of Shen-Yun. She is now on stage three to five times a week, and is proud to be teaching the public about China before communism.

While the former staff of Tiger might be scattered across the world (or dead), there is no doubt that they were shaped by their time with the paper. Tiger might not be the paper it used to be, but as the saying goes, “Once a Tiger, always a Tiger,” and god-willing it will continue to turn out terrorists and criminals for generations to come.

I’ve got a dream (he’s got a dream)

I’ve got a dream (he’s got a dream)

And I know one day, romance will reign supreme

Though my face leaves people screaming

There’s a child behind it, dreaming

Like everybody else

I’ve got a dream

Tor would like to quit and be a florist

Gunther does interior design

Ulf is into mime

Attila’s cupcakes are sublime

Bruiser knits, Killer sews

Fang does little puppet shows

And Vladimir collects ceramic unicorns

I have dreams like you, no, really

Just much less touchy feely

They mainly happen somewhere warm and sunny

On an island that I own

Tanned and rested and alone

Surrounded by enormous piles of money

I’ve got a dream (she’s got a dream)

I’ve got a dream (she’s got a dream)

I just wanna see the floating lanterns gleam

And with every passing hour

I’m so glad I left my tower

Like all you lovely folks

I’ve got a dream

She’s got a dream (he’s got a dream)

They’ve got a dream, we’ve got a dream

So our differences ain’t really that extreme

We’re one big team

Call us brutal, sick, sadistic

And grotesquely optimistic

‘Cause way down deep inside

We’ve got a dream

I’ve got a dream

I’ve got a dream

I’ve got a dream

I’ve got a dream

Woo, woo, woo, woo

Yes, way down deep inside

I’ve got a dream

Yeah”