a yanasisters publication
BY HIS GRACE GRACEFULLY BROKEN LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE AMAZING
FEELING GOOD?
YOU ARE NOT ALONE photo of Tanya Poindexter
Spring 2022
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SIMPLE W AYS
TO FEEL G
OOD
Spring 2022
FEELING GOOD? YOU ARE NOT ALONE CONTRIBUTING WRITERS
FOUNDER & PRESIDENT Connection Coach, Speaker, Retreat Facilitator, Author, and Attorney Imani Monica McCullough is a vibrant voice for women worldwide. Through her transformative platform, YANAsisters, she thrives on helping women live more passionate and authentic lives.
Inspired by her journey of childhood abuse and survival, Fatimha Banks is sincerely passionate about people’s abilities to transition, transform, and transcend. As founder of T3gold Communications LLC, and as the “Motivational Diva,” Fatimha pushes others to press past the pain and never give up. She currently serves as a chair of the Human Resources certification program at Union County college and as an adjunct instructor, with future plans of completing her doctoral studies. Andrea Robinson is a Licensed Professional Counselor who works full-time at an agency during the day and manages a part-time private practice in the evenings. She is the mother of two amazing adult children, mother-in-law to a wonderful bonus daughter, and grandmother to an aspiring artist. Andrea enjoys helping others live their best lives and learn from life’s challenges. Misty Robinson is a mother, grandmother, sisterfriend, and favorite auntie who proudly professes that she “loves her labels!” Misty enjoys travel, yoga, classic jazz. And has a “slight preoccupation” with all things organization and interior design. In her free time, Misty can be found journaling quietly and tending to her plants.
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Kellyn McGee is a licensed attorney and mediator, a former law professor and Dean of Students, a writer and editor, and a certified yoga teacher. At her essence, she is a learner and teacher. 2
Andréa E. Williams currently works for a Fortune 500 company that provides Information Technology services worldwide. A veteran of the U.S. Army, Andréa is also the owner of Silhouettes Firearms Training, LLC and the co-founder of Blazing Beauties, a 501(C)(3) nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering young ladies and women. She is married to her husband, Christopher, has two children, a son-in-love, and three beautiful grandchildren.
IN THIS ISSUE BY HIS GRACE 10
This sister knows the value of therapy, both as a licensed therapist and as a patient. Read how becoming intentional about her own healing brought Andrea through a time of darkness, heartbreak, and betrayal – into a time of healing, joy, and light. If you’ve ever looked like you had it all together, but felt as if you were falling apart, this story is for you.
GRACEFULLY BROKEN 20
When one thing falls apart, you put it back together and keep going. But what happens when everything falls apart at once? Read about Misty’s journey through loss, grief, divorce, and injury – and be encouraged by how gratitude brought her through to the other side.
8, 13 18, 24
I feel good when...
IN EVERY ISSUE 4
Founder’s Letter
6
Yoga Is A Prayer
17
What is YANAsisters?
30
YANA Playlist
AMAZING 26
When you don’t feel good physically, everything can be a challenge. But, what about the woman who keeps getting up, not only for herself, but also to continue inspiring others? Read about how Andrea’s battle with illness has fueled her to fight, not only for herself, but also for other women who need to be encouraged.
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25 SIMPLE WAYS TO FEEL GOOD
LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE 14
What’s the definition of progress? When you’re depressed, it could be as simple as taking a shower. For anyone going through, Fatimha’s story will remind you that it’s worth the fight to get back up again and again.
A FEELING GOOD SPECIAL
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LETTER FROM THE FOUNDER
Dearhearts, When we came up with the theme of FEELING GOOD for this issue, I was sooooo excited. An issue all about the things that bring us joy, even as life throws us curve balls? GENIUS! And, I’m not just saying that because we thought of it! Then I sat down to write this letter, and nothing came out. Seriously, the blank page just kept staring back at me, as I looked for the words to inspire and encourage and spread joy to all of you. Finally, I realized I was struggling to write about FEELING GOOD because the truth is I haven’t been. Pandemic. Social Justice. Hate. War. Shortages. Inflation. Political Divides. Sickness. Death. . . It feels like the world has gone mad, and I’m pretty sure we’re all experiencing some sort of collective “post” traumatic stress disorder, even as the madness continues. Then, on top of that, I’ve had my own stuff. Death anniversaries. Grief. More loss. Health uncertainties. Work challenges. Adulting. Life... As blessed as I know I am, this season has been hard! So, in this issue, I’m not going to sugarcoat it or pretend. Instead, I’m going to say that if you’ve been feeling it too, you are not alone. And, I’m here to remind you that you have the right to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling, and the right not to be happy every single day. 4
But one thing I ask of you (and of myself) – if it’s ok? I ask that EVERY single day, no matter how you feel, you get up and make the choice to FIGHT. Fight for your joy. Fight for your peace. Fight for the life you know you deserve. You can allow things in the world to consume you, or you can choose to find joy, even in the midst of suffering. You can choose to find laughter, even in the midst of pain. You can choose to find hope, even when the odds seem impossible. And, if it feels like you can’t make that choice alone, that’s ok. That’s when you (we) reach out to family, friends, yanasisters, spiritual community, and even counselors to help along the way. SPOILER ALERT: There’s no magic happiness wand on the pages that follow. But there are four very real stories of courageous yanasisters who are CHOOSING JOY, even while battling depression. CHOOSING LOVE, even after the worst kind of betrayal. CHOOSING HAPPINESS, even while grieving tragic loss. And, CHOOSING TO LIVE, even while surviving unimaginable health challenges. Plus, yanasisters from around the world share what makes them feel good, to remind us of the possibilities. Through these stories and shares, I hope you are reminded that no matter what you’re going through, it is worth the fight to FEEL GOOD.
Love and Light,
Imani
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YOGA It’s okay to not be okay. That’s the mantra I’ve heard– and repeated to myself – innumerable times during the past two years. It’s okay to not be okay.
In the summer of 2020, I began acknowledging to myself the “not okay” and knew I needed an objective person to talk to and provide tools for clarity. I called an organization I belong to that offers free counseling sessions to members. Referrals in hand, I called to make appointments. Some never called me back, some called weeks later. A few more times I called the organization’s helpline, received new referrals, then… nothing. I know that I wasn’t alone in my not-okayness and I know that therapists are people, too, and that they were also experiencing the same pandemic I was. And they also had lots of people wanting appointments, not just me. In the midst of my trying, though, I felt that attempting to get help – and not succeeding – was increasing my stress. Here I was, doing the “right” thing and my pleas were not being heard. 6
is a Prayer by Kellyn McGee
Finally, in January 2021, I was able to schedule an appointment with a therapist. I was feeling better than “okay” by then but wanted to have someone on standby. She even said she didn’t think it sounded like I needed someone at the time. By the fall, still feeling good, I decided I wanted to get in front of any possible mental downturns. Although I liked the therapist I’d found in January, I didn’t feel a connection, so I tried again with new referrals. I found a new person but after a couple of sessions, I decided I needed another one. I had (not so) perfect timing, because I made that decision right before my father went into the hospital for emergency surgery. My search was put on hold. Back at it this spring, I decided to go another route and try my company’s Employee Assistance Plan. Around the time my frustration with not finding one was peaking (“not taking new clients” is mostly what I heard), we started receiving the articles for this issue. I had an epiphany when I read Andrea Robinson’s “By His Grace.” I began searching Psychology Today for therapists (not just the list from my insurance company) and I decided that my mental health was more important than whether my insurance would cover the costs of service. I expanded my search. I then made an appointment for an initial consultation. I’m feeling better about the search this time because, even if this one therapist doesn’t work, I have released my limits on finding the one who will. I’ve felt like I’m running on about “80”… out of 350! But I know that’s because it’s been a difficult year – work, death, illnesses, aging parents, aging me, the see-saw of this pandemic, disappointments, the news. Ashley Judd, the actor, said about her mother, singer Naomi Judd (who died by suicide recently): “I knew she was fragile.” I believe we all are. Even those, maybe especially those, who try so hard to be – or appear - perfect and strong and fearless and without failings. (I think we all have fit that description in some way.) A friend
ASHLEY JUDD, THE ACTOR, SAID ABOUT HER MOTHER, SINGER NAOMI JUDD (WHO DIED BY SUICIDE RECENTLY): ‘I KNEW SHE WAS FRAGILE.’ I BELIEVE WE ALL ARE. EVEN THOSE, MAYBE ESPECIALLY THOSE, WHO TRY SO HARD TO BE – OR APPEAR – PERFECT AND STRONG AND FEARLESS WITHOUT FAILINGS. and I were discussing the “stuff” that came from our childhoods and how our parents had childhood stuff of their own. “Woe to children of humans,” I said. That’s what we all are: children of humans. Fragile children of fragile humans. That means we have to deal with stuff, even stuff we thought we packed in a box in the back of a closet long ago. Then, to add to our fragility, while we’re trying to ducttape the box of stuff supposedly packed away, brand new stuff pops up. Yet, even when I’m “not okay,” I remain hopeful. Even when it wavers, I still have faith. I believe that greater can and is coming and that where I am, where we are, when the response is “I’m just okay,” isn’t where we have to remain. There are friends, family, and therapists willing to listen and help. There are bodies of water to float in and songs to fill our souls. There’s popcorn to eat while spending Sunday afternoon binging tv and parks to go to for long walks. And, of course, there’s always yoga – either to get the body moving or to give it rest. Even when I feel stuck and immovable, I know that I’m standing in mud, not cement. And with no mud, there is no lotus. And that’s more than okay. 7
I FEEL GOOD WHEN I CAN PUT ON SOME NEOSOUL MUSIC, OPEN THE TOP OF MY JEEP, AND JUST BE FREE! IMANI
I FEEL GOOD AFTER A RUN! KELLYN
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WE FEEL GOOD WHEN WE CAN CONNECT AS SISTERFRIENDS...
2011 in Bali
WHETHER WORKING ON CONNECT IN ATLANTA, CELEBRATING A BIRTHDAY IN TURKS & CAICOS OR BALI, OR ENJOYING A HOLIDAY IN CANCUN! KELLYN & IMANI Cancun 2021 in 9
BY HIS GRACE BY ANDREA ROBINSON
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In
December 2014, for all those observing from the outside, I looked like I had it together. But, that couldn’t have been further from the truth. I’d go to work, do my job, then come home and cry at the smallest things. My thoughts were all over the place and I literally felt like I was falling apart.
Despite my tears, through the next few sessions I managed to share the story of how I grew up in inner city Baltimore, MD. I was the youngest, but never knew what that really meant. I had two older brothers who weren’t there for me, and parents who were caught up in their own stuff and who were in survival mode to provide a secure foundation. I hold no ill will; it was what it was. My role for most of my life had been to make sure everyone else was ok, follow the rules, and do well in school. As long as I was performing and doing what everyone expected of me, I thought I was good. This eventually became my undoing in so many areas of my life.
SEEKING HELP I frantically searched Psychology Today to find a therapist — someone, anyone — to help me process this craziness inside of me. I had tried therapy before and had a good experience, however the therapist retired and I didn’t complete the work I needed AS LONG AS I WAS to do. I tried again and did PERFORMING AND not feel a connection, so I went on about the business DOING WHAT of doing life.
From 2014–2016, I worked with my therapist pretty consistently, trying to understand dynamics, which EVERYONE EXPECTED family had turned into friend OF ME, I THOUGHT dynamics, and eventually Unfortunately, there came into marriage dynamics. a point when the coping I WAS GOOD. THIS Through counseling, skills I’d relied upon stopped EVENTUALLY BECAME I learned to say “No” working. That is where I found myself in 2014, without apology or MY UNDOING IN SO spiraling out of control justification. I saw MANY AREAS OF MY and feeling as if I couldn’t how I had been easily LIFE. manage. manipulated by those who claimed to care about me. I realized that for family As I was reading therapist Psychology Today , one members and friends, I gave too many introductions on profile stood out and I called her immediately chances to folks who either thought I didn’t to set-up an appointment. She didn’t take have feelings or simply didn’t care as long my insurance and her office was 45 minutes as their needs were met. In hindsight, I away, but I didn’t care about the cost or can’t blame them completely because I was distance. I needed help and I needed it right out of touch with me. away. I ended therapy in October 2016, having JOURNEY TO HEALING worked through many issues and after My first few sessions, all I did was cry. How resigning myself to stay in my marriage. I was she understood anything I was saying was a tired but felt I had made a commitment and mystery to me. wasn’t going to walk away. Nothing tragic was 11
going on, it just felt like my marriage wasn’t working. Then I found out why it wasn’t working... INTO DARKNESS A week after walking out of my therapist’s office for what I thought was the last time, I found out my then-husband was having sex with random men. I would love to say he came out to me, but that was not the case. When faced with the truth, he offered no explanation or apology, he simply filed for divorce. This moved me from my place of almost peace to a place of darkness. The place of darkness did not come because I was so in love, it came because of the lies, betrayal, shame, embarrassment, and disrespect; as well as the fear of possible infection. One important thing about me is that my faith is strong, so I spoke these words to my Father, “I know I am going to get through this, because You are with me.” And He was. I waited until January 2017 to restart therapy, mainly because I wanted it to be about me and not about what my ex had done. Because this was my second divorce, I felt that at the end of the day I was the common denominator. I needed to understand why I was making the choices I’d made and how the hell my life had turned into a Lifetime movie. FINDING MY JOY I became intentional about my healing. I worked with my therapist for eight solid months to uncover how I got there, to learn to set boundaries, and to fully look at myself and my “mess.” I chose not to date for a year, tried it for two seconds, then didn’t date again for another year. I joined a Divorce Recovery group at my church. I became open to going places I 12
enjoyed by myself. I found YANASISTERS and the women reminded me I was never alone. I took chances with trying new things. I got to know me. The reality was I had been in relationships for most of my adult life, so I needed the time and space to find out who I was and what I wanted. Was it lonely and scary at times? Absolutely. I was 50 years old when that journey started. And now, six years later, I’m still learning, but I’m loving the woman I’m becoming. I have my joy, I have my peace, and I’m learning to put myself first. So, how do you find light after the darkness, joy after sadness, peace after chaos? You’ve heard it said the only way out is through. Sorry to disappoint, but it’s true, there is no short-cut to healing. Sometimes, in order to get to the place you want to be, you have to go through. By His Grace, I went through the darkness and came out into this wonderful life.
I FEEL GOOD WHEN I AM LIVING MY PURPOSE AND ENJOYING WHAT I DO AUDRENA
I FEEL GOOD WHEN MY FASHION DESIGNS CAN HELP MY CLIENTS FEEL MORE CONFIDENT AND BEAUTIFUL. LATONYA
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LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE BY MISTY ROBINSON
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A
few years ago, I found myself becoming rootbound like one of my beloved plants. A tangled mess under the surface, experiencing stress with no room to grow. It was time for a change. Back then, I had experienced quite a few losses. In spring of 2019, my mother transitioned. She was truly my best friend as anyone who knew me or saw my Facebook page could see. No matter how prepared I thought I was, the pain and grief of her loss were more than I expected. I took a month off work to grieve and to attend a memorial service on her birthday. Finally, I returned to work. But, after being back at work for only an hour, I received a call notifying me that my nephew had died. Ten days after my mother. All this sadness in the same month that my brother had been murdered years before was too much.
the socials seeking inspiration, motivation, anything to distract from the ruminating thoughts and isolation I felt. Just a month later, the pandemic arrived. Unbelievable to all of us. No visiting friends and family, restrictions from all normal activities and being careful even just going outside. Due to the shutdown, my work hours were reduced, so I was regularly home for 7 days straight without any in-person interaction. I questioned how I would survive this and keep myself sane.
I FOUGHT SUCCUMBING TO MY SADNESS. GOD STARTED SPEAKING TO ME, OR RATHER, I STARTED LISTENING. HE SAID, ‘GET UP!’ SO, I DID.
My husband could not comprehend my pain. Sadly, our marriage continued to deteriorate in the midst of my mourning. By the end of the year, I left my husband and moved into Mommy’s empty house. I had no idea what my future held. I was scared, terrified really — irrationally so, afraid and full of anxiety. I leaned into God. I was alone. To me, it seemed everyone I knew had someone in their space — a spouse, children, roommate, sibling. Someone to connect with at the end of the day. I didn’t have that. How could I fill up the time? I started reading more. I hit up all
I fought succumbing to my sadness. God started speaking to me, or rather, I started listening. He said, “Get up!” So, I did. Instead of “blooming where I was planted,” I decided to bloom where I was transplanted.
Music filled my home. I developed new interests and revived old ones. I became adept in working with crystals and their healing properties. I practiced aligning my chakras. I became a registered yoga teacher. During election time, I joined the Black Women’s PAC and helped register voters. I learned how to use Zoom, did virtually therapy, and FaceTimed with my nieces often. But, the best thing I could have ever done was to develop a closer relationship with God. I prayed, read, and spent so much time in God’s presence. I was reminded of who I am. Focusing on the Almighty made me feel safe. Peace arrived. Much of the fear and anxiety fell away. Eventually I got back to work fulltime, which was a blessing. Three months later, the famous Texas freeze happened. Pipes exploded in my house and 15
“Jobetta,” Job’s descendant! What else could go wrong? Finally, I told myself “that’s it! Enough of the transplant shock. Life will continue to happen. You’ve been on your own for two years. It’s time to embrace where you’ve been transplanted and BLOOM!” I cultivated new friendships while keeping the old. More often, I noticed the shining of the sun which had always been there. Beautiful clouds working their way across the sky. Nature walks. I became so intentional about spending time with the Creator. No distractions, no excuses. I chose to make God my best friend and He told me to “FEAR NOT!” I plastered affirmations all over the house and continued to journal as I always have. I stopped being so afraid. It was really working for me. I felt renewed. I no longer believed the lies I was taunted with during my aloneness. I loved on myself. I believed what God says about me. I laughed, I lived. I allowed myself to see a bright future.
I was off to live in a hotel for three months during the ongoing pandemic. I navigated home repairs from a distance. My first day back in my home was Mother’s Day. The excitement of going home kept sadness of missing Mommy somewhat at bay. I went about putting things back in place. Unfortunately, as I was pulling a rug back into the room, there was a pop. I heard the loud sound echo as I lost my balance. The culprit? A fractured foot. Off work for three months and it was my driving foot! My friends and I joked about whether I was 16
When I think of my life, I realize it is evolving like one of my beloved plants, changing throughout the seasons. I continue growing in areas that can’t be seen and establishing roots in my new environment. I love my life. It is not what I imagined AT ALL, but I am definitely living in the fullness of joy. My daughter and I have reconciled. I have love and joy with my children and grandchildren. I am healthy and happy. My sisterhood is strong. I love to give and pour into others. I am discovering and rediscovering talents and gifts. I pursue the things I love. I am in bloom. I know who I am and whose I am. That is the greatest gift. All I can say is “God, look what you’ve done! I am free!”
WHAT IS YANASISTERS?
YANASISTERS is an intergenerational wisdom circle for women — like you. We’ve created this safe space, this spiritual space, to celebrate our womanhood. Here, with us, you will find healing. You will find happiness. You will find hope. And most importantly, you will find a new you.
Connection is the essence of our community. Whether through our intimate online group, coaching programs, local meetups or one of our transformative destination retreats, we are here to support you in this season of your awakening. We share our stories, our pasts and our pain—lovingly and openly—to show one another that we are more alike than we are different. We defy the notion that differences divide us. We are women who are all shapes, sizes, skin tones and swag. But our spirits—our souls—are every bit the same. And we only have one rule. Leave all judgment at the door. You arrived here today, not by coincidence, but because you know existing isn’t enough. We believe that too, and we want to support you to manifest something meaningful in your life—whether that something is more joy, more freedom, more confidence and selflove, a more fulfilling profession or a better relationship. YANA is as much about recovery as it discovery. As you exhale your pain and inhale your passion and purpose, you will find you can do—and be—anything. But first, Superwoman, you must take off the cape. When you need love, we’re here. When you need an embrace for your body or your soul, we’re here. When you need the freedom to explore those hidden, but treasured, parts of yourself, we’re here. When you need to free yourself to be yourself, we’re here. We, your sisters, welcome you with warm, open arms. BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 17
I FEEL GOOD WHEN I AM OUTSIDE AND ENJOYING ALL THAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER. CASIE
I FEEL GOOD WHEN I TRAVEL; IT IS MY THERAPY. MY FAVORITE FORM OF TRAVEL THERAPY IS TAKING A CRUISE. LISA
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I FEEL GOOD WHEN I AM NEAR BLUE OCEAN WATERS, CLEANSING MY SPIRIT AND EXPERIENCING ALL WONDERS IN THE NATURAL WORLD. JENNIFER
I FEEL GOOD WHEN I’M ABLE TO TEMPORARILY ESCAPE LIFE’S TROUBLES AND RELAX, UNWIND AND RESET. LATRICE
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Gracefully BROKEN BY FATIMHA BANKS
One morning not long ago, I woke up to a monochromatic day, although the sun shined brightly. A feeling of heaviness and pain fluttered my body. Tears rolled down my cheeks for no other reason than the depression had returned. The beginning of a new episode. As I lay in my bed, I simply said, “thank you” to God because although I knew I was in for a rough patch, I also knew I would get through. I knew I would have to go into battle mode, but the thought of the fight only gave me more anxiety. I hated this feeling. For the moment, I closed my eyes and stayed in bed. I was not ready just yet, so I slept the day away. Maybe it was just a one-off day, and tomorrow the feeling would not be a second thought. Unfortunately, the depression remained. It is not easy blocking and dodging the blows depression throws. Each time I experience depressive episodes, I fear that if I do not get out of the darkness, I will go deeper into a place I never want to be. But I am grateful for the pain, fear, and anxiety because they
also give me the strength to do the work. The fear encourages me to pick up the phone and call my best friends or call my doctor for an appointment. The pain gets me out the bed to go sit with someone. The anxiety reminds me to take my medication when I do not want to lift my head from the pillow. When depression consumes me as it sometimes does, I am intentional about doing the work to get back to a great space, and here is where depression meets the bravest me. My doctor helps me to be intentional by giving me self-care assignments. It’s amazing how doing simple things can help me feel better. The little things like doing my hair or going to the nail salon, something I had not done in months, aid my recovery towards happiness. I am not saying that when I do these things, I automatically feel better, but they at least give me a little encouragement and energy to keep going. Again, I do not want it to sound like I jumped up and BOOM, I was back. Nope! In fact, I washed my hair one day and left it standing on top of my head for the next four days. 21
I only had the energy to do one little thing at a time. Read a page, turn over and go to sleep, shower, and go back to bed. Eat one bite of pasta, put my plate on the nightstand and pull the covers over my head. I believed
that if I did one small thing a day, I would do a little more the next day. However, I would not beat myself up over what I didn’t get done, nor would I do absolutely nothing. We don’t choose to be miserable, at least most people do not, but sometimes life throws heartbreaking situations in our paths. When I’m faced with those monochromatic days, I’m willing to at least take the small steps that eventually lead to more significant steps and keep going until I’m back on the happiness track. Transparency plays a crucial role in bringing back my joy. No matter what I am dealing with, I know the one thing that can hinder healing is having to add layers of fiction. I’m a firm believer that you can’t heal what you don’t reveal. Not everyone needs to know what I am going through, just the right people. Being honest with my doctors and therapist is essential. Sharing my story with others or telling people how I got through is therapeutic. It allows me to revisit where I was and how I made it over to where I am. Many people hide or hold back what they are going through, and many end up not making it. That is not my story, so I share, write, and am honest.
FOR 2022, MY WORD IS “PROGRESS.” SO, IN EVERYTHING I DO THIS YEAR, I CELEBRATE, HOWEVER BIG OR SMALL. 22
Each year I choose a word representing what I want the year to be. For 2022, my word is “progress.” So, in everything I do this year, I celebrate, however big or small. In my depressive state, if I take a shower that day or simply read one page of a book, I tell myself I have made progress. It is the first step to overcoming and defeating the joy stealers, whatever they may be. There is nothing worse than believing negative self-talk. Every little step towards a better day should be acknowledged. I never know when the next episode will happen, but I know that I am ready to fight. As long as I fight, I’m on my way to winning, and that is what I call progress.
I FEEL GOOD WHEN BASKING IN THE GLOW OF MY SONS SHINE! TANYA
I FEEL GOOD WHEN I’M BEING PAMPERED AT THE SPA. EBONY
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AS A TWO-TIME CANCER SURVIVOR, I FEEL GOOD WHEN I AM GIVING GOD PRAISE FOR KEEPING ME!!! TIA
I FEEL GOOD WHEN I HAVE GOD’S PEACE AND CAN SENSE HIS PRESENCE. PATRICE
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AMAZING By Andréa E. Williams
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Do you remember when you first didn’t feel like yourself? Whether the pep in your step left or that "thang wasn’t thanging” anymore, you knew that something was not right. Maybe the pain intensified and interfered with your everyday life. In an effort not to be overly dramatic, you tried to give yourself home remedies that were passed through the family for generations. But this time, they didn’t work.
N
ow you’re at the doctor advocating for yourself. The doctor may be cutting the side eye at you because you don’t look like what you’ve been through or what you’re describing. You insist that the doctor run tests. Nothing is found. Now you and the doctor have a dance over time. Perhaps you go get a second opinion, but again, nothing is found. You follow up. You eat right. You exercise. You pray. You drink plenty of water. You moisturize your skin. You work hard. You play hard. And you continue to advocate for yourself to the medical professionals that you have entrusted to figure out what’s going on with you. You keep a journal listing prescriptions and descriptions of events. You continue to work on your mental, spiritual, and emotional self while pouring into others. Finally, a medical red flag reveals itself, prompting the medical professionals to investigate further. At last, they realize the “nothing” was the something that would rock your world and change your life forever. I LIVED THIS EXPERIENCE. TWICE. In 2012, I was diagnosed with Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) while I was serving in the U.S. Army. SLE is an autoimmune disease in which the immune system attacks its own tissues, causing widespread inflammation and tissue damage in the affected organs. It can affect the joints, skin, brain, lungs, kidneys, and blood vessels. There is no cure for lupus, but medical interventions and lifestyle changes can help control it. At the time of diagnosis, I was a non-commissioned officer who thoroughly enjoyed leading, motivating, and developing soldiers. I didn’t understand how dreadful this illness is until I had to be medically retired from the military after nearly 14 years of service. My heart was broken but my passion for service was not. I had to embrace and learn how to function in my new identity. 27
IT WAS DIFFICULT. I failed, folded, and flopped more times than I can count. Eventually, I settled into my new role. Instead of pouring into communities abroad, I could and would bring what I learned back to the community where I lived and pour into the people there. In 2021, I learned that I had cancer. This diagnosis followed the grand opening of my firearms training business. I am grateful that the cancer was caught and removed early. I am overjoyed and humbled to be cancer-free while I am still recovering from my treatment plan. I am still navigating my emotions with this experience. I am still healing all parts of me and coming to terms with what was and what is.
I’m honest with myself about what I can and cannot do. I use the word “no” more. I have truly found acceptance in the things that I cannot change. There’s joy and peace in that. But, of course, some days are better than others. I have learned to own my illness and to own its impact on my life. But I don’t let it own me. The physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual tests can quickly steal my joy. But joy re-enters the space when I look beyond my own challenges and instead use it to help someone else navigate through theirs. I’ve also found joy in establishing and maintaining my boundaries.
Life is precious. Life is unpredictable. Life’s journey is full of straight and narrow passages, crossroads, mountains, IN SICKNESS AND IN deserts, crowded HEALTH, THIS LIFE I share these experiences thoroughfares, rough because this isn’t about and peaceful seas, IS BEAUTIFUL AND me. This is about the and paths less taken, AMAZING, AND IT IS ALL woman who is in a place ultimately leading to our where she is trying to sunrises and sunsets. MINE. BE INSPIRED. figure it out. This is to the The journey becomes BE ENCOURAGED. woman who is trying to difficult when health LIVE. find balance while coping woes (which I call health with the nuances of her uh-oh’s) introduce illness. To this woman I themselves and decide share one of my greatest lessons. There are to stick around for a while. When illness two things in life that don’t have to define strikes, the mountains that we learned to you: your mistakes and your illnesses. Own climb over time become bigger and rougher them. Don’t let them own you. to get over. My experiences have taught me that claiming illness and owning illness are two different things. Claiming my illness is not doing anything to proactively live with or heal from it. Owning my illness is acknowledging that I’m going through significant changes which require significant attention. I owned my illness by being intentional about learning the processes and struggles that I am faced with. 28
But I tell myself that those mountains are still climbable. I can still sail on those rough seas because I have learned to adapt and I have filled my kit with the appropriate tools to help me along the way. In sickness and in health, this life is beautiful and amazing, and it is all mine. Be inspired. Be encouraged. Live.
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SIMPLE WAYS TO FEEL GOOD...
Or,at least, feel better Start each day with “thank you.” Find a way to help someone else. Play a song you love and dance like no one’s watching. 4. Spend time in nature. 5. Travel, even if it’s just a day trip. 6. Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while. Watch a movie that makes you 7. laugh out loud. 8. Do a random act of kindness. 9. Meditate, even if it’s just for 5 minutes. 10. Breathe. 11. Take a yoga class in person or online. 12. Play with a puppy. 13. Spend time with a baby or toddler to remember how simple life is. 14. Talk to someone who is grieving and be reminded that as long as you have breath, there is still time. 15. Look in the mirror and laugh out loud. Trust me, it works. 16. Go for a run, or walk, or stroll. 17. Plan a picnic for one. 18. Sit by living water. 19. Take a long, hot bath. 20. Pray. 21. Get dressed up and do a photo shoot. 22. Try a new recipe and set the table, even if just for one. 23. Read a book/story that inspires you. 24. Create a new playlist. 25. End each day with “thank you.” 1. 2. 3.
photo of Audrena Howell by Daniel M. Miranda
YANA FEELING GOOD Playlist We created a playlist of feel good music, just for you! Simply search for “YANA Feeling Good” on Spotify. Here’s a sample of the songs! Feeling Good by Nina Simone Look What You’ve Done by Tasha Layton Grace by Charles Jenkins & Fellowship Chicago Amazing (feat. DJ Khaled) by Mary J.Blige, DJ Khaled Rise Up by Andra Day Bridge Over Troubled Water by Brooklyn Duo You Gotta Be by Des’ree I Got Sunshine by Avery Sunshine Feeling Good by Chloe Lovely Day by Bill Withers Put Your Records On by Corrine Bailey Rae She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5 Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson Shine by Cleo Sol It’s All Right by Jon Batiste There’s Hope by India.Arie Alright by Ledisi Creature (Perfect) by Ibeyi Here Comes the Sun by Nina Simone All content in Connect is for informational purposes only and should not be considered to be advice or counseling. Always seek professional help in connection with any questions or issues you may have regarding your health or the health of others. © You Are Not Alone 2022 www.yanasisters.com For requests or questions, email to imani@yanasisters.com
