FA Stories of Recovery from Food Addiction
July/August 2022 $2.50
Breathe
July/August 2022
Columns Qualification: Bouncing Back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 First 90 Days: Miracles of Recovery. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 COVID-19: Logging On for Recovery. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 No Matter What: Quarantining Abstinently. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Lighten Up: New Construction. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Features Crumbling Walls. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7 Less and More. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8 In the Bag. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 Pretty Poison. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 How I Do it Now. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 . Finding My Way Back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .18 Game Over. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
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Glossary of Terms FA: Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous AA: Alcoholics Anonymous AWOL: A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps Big Book: Alcoholics Anonymous 1 Stone = 14 pounds 1 Kilo = approx. 2.2 pounds Copyright © 2022 Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous 400 W. Cummings Park, Suite 1700 Woburn, MA 01801-6572
Qualification
Bouncing Back
I
come from a family who always had parties that involved huge amounts of food. I was never addicted to drugs or alcohol, but when it came to food, I could not help consuming it. It was always the same story; I ate until I was sick and about to explode. I would sometimes throw up, and I often had heartburn and headaches. I tried at least six different diets. I could lose over 80 pounds in four months when I followed these diets, and I always played a lot of sports. Unavoidably, however, after another four months I would gain all the weight back. In my head, there was always a battle between the food addict in me and the athlete. The food addict always won; I always chose eating food over playing sports. I love to play tennis, and when it got to the point when I could not run because I was too fat, I played doubles. I had everything under control until about two years ago when I started hearing news about friends who were overweight and having cardiac complications. The idea that this could happen to me, and that it could prevent me from getting to play with my grandchildren one day, terrified me. So I chose to stop playing connection
tennis. One day I received a phone call from my sister. She wanted to lose over a hundred pounds and was going to get gastric bypass surgery. I thought maybe that could be my solution, too. I talked to my doctor, and she said, “Why would you do that if you could have FA?” I wondered what in the world FA was. Was it a new drug? It took me about three weeks to make the call. At the meeting, it was surprising to see people who spoke about the same things that were happening to me. It really surprised me that they were not embarrassed to be fat. Above all, it impressed me that they could lose so much weight and maintain it. It was remarkable. There were so many tools to choose from, but there was one important condition that was very challenging for me to follow; no sugar or flour. I thought that was impossible! I started FA last year, when I was over 300 pounds. After almost a year of attending FA, I now realize that this is the place I want to be and the last group I want to be part of. I no longer think it is impossible. I don’t have that desperate feeling to eat uncontrollably anymore. I have lost over 100 pounds and I 1
Twelve Traditions no longer take high blood pressure pills or any other medications. I went to the doctor to do a general check-up about a month ago, and all my sugar and cholesterol levels were normal. My doctor could not believe this, and she was very happy for me. Now I buy clothes that I actually like and that fit me. It is incredible. My family is very proud of me. My first son is getting married
I could lose over 80 pounds in four months when I followed these diets... Unavoidably, however, after another four months I would gain all the weight back. this week. Hopefully, he and his wife will have children soon and I will be able to enjoy my time with them and spoil them as much as I can. FA is absolutely amazing and life changing. I had to let go and trust FA until I found the strength inside that allowed me to do great things. Like they always say in FA, “Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.” No one can take me away from FA now. Marcelo R., Canada 2
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on FA unity. 2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. 3. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively. 4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or FA as a whole. 5. Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the food addict who still suffers. 6. An FA group ought never endorse, finance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. 7. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. 8. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. 9. FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. 10. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films. 12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous July/August 2022
First 90 Days
Miracles of Recovery
I
was 60 years old when my food addiction took off. During that year, before coming into FA, I was desperately trying not to eat any flour or sugar products, but it seemed that the more willpower I applied, the more sugar products I ate. After eating what I purchased, I would mentally berate myself for buying and eating them, telling myself, I won’t buy them anymore, but I would always buy them again. It was neverending mental torture. When I came to that first meeting at age 65, I knew for sure that I was powerless over my intake of sugar and flour. I found a sponsor, and within a few days of weighing and measuring my food, not eating between meals, and avoiding sugar products, the physical cravings and mental obsession had been removed. It was unbelievable. I was not buying sugar or flour products and that negative voice was no longer in my head! This was the first miracle I experienced. My Higher Power did for me what I could not do for myself. After being in the program for six months, I was invited to my niece’s house for Thanksgiving. At the dinner, I mentioned that I would need to leave the room when the connection
desserts were served, as I did not want to be tempted. When leaving the room, I immediately felt uncomfortable about being away from the table, since it was a family holiday, but I was really afraid of eating the dessert. After praying to my Higher Power and asking for guidance, I heard a voice telling me that this was not my food. Fifteen minutes later, I was able to sit comfortably at the table, a change in behavior and another miracle of the program. By using the tools of meetings and reading the literature daily, I learned that my disease of food addiction is physical, mental, and spiritual and I am powerless over it. For me, this lesson requires a daily practice of surrendering to my Higher Power by taking a half-hour of quiet time and prayer, although my self-will still wants to take control. Doing my part, weighing and measuring my food, and working the program has given me a personality change, which is a gift from my Higher Power. Years ago, a fellow reminded me that the reason the tools work is that the tools bring me to the truth, and it is in the truth that I will find my Higher Power. Kathryn W., New York, US 3
COVID-19
Logging On for Recovery
I
work in international development, and until recently, I’ve traveled overseas at least once a month. As many fellows know, travel brings inherent challenges and difficulties for those of us in FA. Here are a few: timing sponsor calls, handling time changes and mealtimes, dealing with food on airplanes, making phone calls from overseas, and finding reasonable substitutes for meetings. Part of the solution for both my job, as well as for sponsor calls and telephone outreach, is the use of videoconferencing services. My life changed immediately with COVID-19. My international trips were postponed, I had to hurry back home from Washington, DC, and all the work teams I managed were ordered to shelter in place. I worked with our senior leaders to formulate early plans for staff in Washington State, where some of the first “shelter in place” orders were issued. Work became all virtual, all the time, and the pandemic forced the closure of in-person FA meetings, flummoxing the notion of face-to-face fellowship for our group. Not surprisingly, when we were ordered to stay at home, I brought with me a bit of ex4
perience in the use of videoconferencing tools. When we decided to move our meetings online, I, like many other fellows used to the digital environment, fell into a new, uncharted service position as technical coordinator. Many, many fellows had no experience in the use of any online platform, and the transition to conducting fellowship online presented practical, emotional, and spiritual challenges. On the most practical level, decisions had to be made about how to send links to the meetings, what versions of the videoconferencing services to purchase, and how to allow members who did not have cameras on their computer to use their phone to attend meetings. There were also emotional challenges. Difficulty with technology sparked insecurity in many fellows, me included. In one of our meetings, I inexplicably had to restart my computer, making me late for the meeting. I sweated out those minutes, as others thought of me as the “tech” person. I was embarrassed, though to this day I do not know what happened that required me to reboot my system. For many fellows, learning to use a videoconference platform was nerve-wracking. For July/August 2022
each fellow related to use of videoconferencing platforms. We coached people on how to login, use their camera, mute and unmute, and how to “raise their hand.” We were patient with people as they neglected to mute audio, talked to their children, shushed the dog, and
stolen recordings, all of which we had to address for the sake of safety and anonymity. However, we took on these challenges one at a time. We phoned people individually for email addresses so we could send them the links. We asked questions to assess the needs of
forgot to unmute before reading or sharing. We bought an upgraded version of the platform and agreed to pay the extra expense out of our Seventh Tradition once we resumed meeting in person. We appointed a coordinator, rotated meeting moderators who selected readings, and expanded the duties of
SUS
AN F., N Y
one meeting, the secretary could not get on the call and was so frustrated that he left to take his dog on a walk, feeling left out and lonelier than if we had not had the meeting at all. And yes, there have been other issues, such as hacking, the meeting crashing, and
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the phone list service position to include ordination of the meetings to my Higher maintaining email addresses while keeping Power for reassurance and a spirit of graciousthem confidential. ness and patience, and I have seen the confiWe learned to make time after closing the dence of my fellows grow as they have meeting to have fellowship, especially with overcome their initial fears and reticence. those with less than 90 days of abstinence, so Overall, I am enormously thankful for they felt included. We made every effort to video conferencing platforms, for the techfollow up with people who experienced tech- nicians that make the platforms work, for the nological difficulties to cheer them on and telecommunication workers who have kept encourage them to the internet and cell keep attending. Over service functioning It certainly has lifted the spirits these two years, we during this social isohave tried to work I am proud of of our group to gather at our lation. through all these isthe World Service sues, one day at a time, for usual time and maintain Conference one meeting at a time. wrestling with the Without question, a sense of continuity, despite need for online meetovercoming these ings and grateful for challenges has been the unusual circumstances. the pioneering felrewarding. The meetlows who have helped ings are well attended. us see online meetWe have experienced new readings from FA ings as normal for now. The famous Russian literature, and we are staying online after the novelist, Fyodor Dostoevsky, once wrote, meeting closes for more conversation and “Times of crisis, of disruption or constructive fellowship. We “see” each other up close and change are not only predictable, but desirtalk a little more about our homes and fami- able. They mean growth. Taking a new step, lies, becoming more willing to share about uttering a new word, is what people fear how we are adapting and coping in the crisis. most.” There are also spiritual benefits to attending For FA, that new word is “videoconference,” online meetings. It certainly has lifted the a word I am now unafraid to utter so we can spirits of our group to gather at our usual time necessarily adapt our essential tools of recovand maintain a sense of continuity, despite ery during this COVID-19 response. the unusual circumstances. I brought the coJerilyn C., California, US 6
July/August 2022
I
Crumbling Walls
came into FA in 2004, having grown up regularly going to church. On Sunday mornings, my dad would make breakfast for all of us, then usher my mother, brother, sister, and me out the door while he settled down with the Sunday paper. My mom taught Sunday school, and that was always part of the ritual. For the next several years, my concept of God developed as something “out there” that had very little to do with me. As I grew up and left home, I stopped going to church except to attend weddings and funerals. The seed had been planted, however, so I continued my quest for this higher being in many different religions, including yoga and various forms of meditation; wherever I thought I might find what I was looking for, although I was not at all certain just what that was. In the meantime, my food addiction flourished. I was in and out of several diet clubs, and I tried various other methods of controlling my weight and feelings. The list included commercial diet programs, macrobiotics, vegetarianism, veganism, and towards the end, the raw foods diet. What I now understand is that no kind of being, higher or otherwise, had a chance of getting through to me as long as I was plying myself with alcohol and food. It wasn’t until connection
I got to FA and put the food down that I began to develop a relationship with the God of my understanding. The addictive behaviors had constructed a wall that was impenetrable for most people, or God, to get through. As I stayed abstinent day in and day out, and as the days turned into weeks and months, that wall began to crumble, and as painful as that crumbling often was, God was finally able to get through. I began to trust God rather than putting my trust in food, which had long since proved very untrustworthy. Over the years that I have been in this program, my trust and faith in the God of my understanding has grown tremendously. When my husband and I moved to Maine, I reconnected with a church nearby. It was different from the church of my childhood, and thankfully, I was different from the child I had been. The spirituality I found in FA was enhanced by my church community and vice versa. Of all the things that FA has given me, this growing faith is the most profound. This faith never could have happened until I stopped eating addictively. There is good reason why abstinence is the first tool we read at FA meetings. Without that, none of the rest of it is possible. Glenny D., Florida, US 7
T
Less and More
he slogans and mottos that we use in our FA meetings used to get on my nerves, big time. They seemed so clichéd. One day at a time, do the next right thing, let go and let God, keep it simple, easy does it, less is more, and so on. About a year into FA, right before the pandemic hit, I was by myself on a miniroad trip, headed for the Washington State coast for a presentation at a local
middle school. I had been offered a hotel room complete with refrigerator and microwave, so I packed my food and set off early the day before my presentation. I had planned to spend some time on the beach playing tourist before and after my talk. I don’t particularly like driving, but I knew this was mostly back roads, so I was looking forward to the drive. There’s something about being in a car on my
LOUISA
8
S., NY
July/August 2022
own that sets off a different way of think- ways appreciated in that area), and really, ing. I’m driving along, aware of the speed I had the whole day off. I’d arranged with limit, and in my usual way, driving just a the hotel owner to pick up my key and few miles faster than the limit. I was nerv- wasn’t expected anywhere until the next ous whenever a car behind me seemed to morning, so what was the rush? want to go faster, which made me speed In fact, rushing is something that I have up as well. always done; automatically, unconThen a voice in my ear whispered, Easy sciously. Underneath a deliberate façade does it. Less is more, remember? And I found of calm, I often feel like the proverbial that my foot on the duck paddling like accelerator let up crazy under the surjust a bit. I thought, Funny, my people-pleasing self face of the water. Why not go the actual And of course, that often worried that I would adds to the stress of speed limit? I also wondered what it life. make people angry ... would feel like to go But really, less is a few miles under. I more. By driving a But really, less is more. decided to try it. I little slower, I enfound myself slowjoyed the journey so ing down. There wasn’t that much traffic, much more. By remembering to take it being on back roads, and when the cars easy, I found my shoulders dropping and piled up behind me, I found a place to pull relaxing from their normal stiff driving over and let them pass. No one seemed stance. particularly angry about my slow speed. Arriving in that calm state, I was able to Nobody honked at me. Funny, my peo- thoroughly enjoy my mini-vacation. The ple-pleasing self often worried that I next day, my presentation was well rewould make people angry. ceived. I took my abstinent lunch to the I drove quietly, peacefully, slightly under pier and ate in the lovely sunshine. Then the speed limit, and found that those few slowly, steadily, I made my way homeward. miles per hour that I shaved off my Since that road trip, I have paid more atspeedometer didn’t make much of a dent tention and am a little more respectful of in my timeline. Maybe it took 10 or 15 our slogans and keep looking for new minutes longer to get there, but the drive ways to adapt them to my daily life. was pleasant, the weather was sunny (alIne-Marie V., Washington, US connection
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W
In the Bag
hen I first started FA, I had I didn’t want to do, like binge. the usual questions and I have a theory that we all have a bag of most of them started with "stuff " that drives us, and if we want to live the word “why.” Why do I have to go to a full and happy life, we need to know three meetings a week? Why three calls a what’s in our bag so that when these things day? Why, why, why? One of my later pop up, we can see them and choose to do questions had to do with the Fourth Step. something about them. It says in Alcoholics Anonymous that none Through working Step Four, I learned of us likes searching what was in my bag out and illuminating of character defects. Now I understand that our character deNow that I am in refects, but unless we covery, I know that my character defects can are willing to do it, there is a way to deal block me off from my we won’t be able to with the stresses of quit drinking (or, in life and my characHigher Power and keep me ter defects so that FA, bingeing). I joined an they go back in the from everything AWOL and eventubag and leave me ally learned why we alone. that’s good in life. do the Fourth Step. One of the things Now I understand in my bag is a tenthat my character defects can block me dency to "awfulize" and "catastrophize." off from my Higher Power and keep me This goes along with negative thinking, from everything that’s good in life. My another thing in my bag. If the phone emotional baggage will also eventually rings, I just know someone died. If I hear lead me back to the food if I don’t deal a siren, I just know something bad hapwith it properly. Before FA, I was unaware pened to a loved one or friend. If I have a of my defects and didn’t realize that my task to do, I am sure it will take a long time personality flaws were causing me unnec- and be harder than I thought. essary stress and driving me to do things A few years back, I decided to do a land10
July/August 2022
scaping project, so I bought six boxwood hedges, several bags of good soil, and decorative bark, and I was going to take out a weed-infested area of my yard and plant the hedges. I knew that there was a lot of gravel under the top layer of dirt and that the native soil was very hard, so I anticipated hours and hours of gravel hauling and digging and chipping away the soil to be able to dig the holes for the hedges. It was an unappealing task, so I decided to put it off—for several years! The hedges all died in their pots and the bags of dirt
hole to see how long it took. I asked my Higher Power for the courage just to try it, and I marched right over there, stuck the shovel into the ground, and was amazed at how easily it went in. In fact, the gravel that I knew was under there was all but gone and the dirt was soft and easy to dig out. I had six holes dug in under an hour. I went to the nursery, bought more dirt and bark and six more boxwoods, and went home and planted them. All this took only a few hours. I was so grateful to
IE KENZ MAC
B., CA
turned to cement after several years of know that things aren’t always how they harsh weather. appear to me, and that I often imagine I had just completed another Fourth things are worse than they really are. Step and discovered my defect of making In another example, after losing all my things worse than they are. One day, I was weight in FA, I discovered that I liked outthinking about that landscaping project door exercise. A friend cajoled me into and wondering if maybe I had made too doing a triathlon with her (at age 54, mind much of the task. I decided to go stick a you). I initially told her that I’ve never shovel in the ground and try to dig one been the athletic type, and politely deconnection
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clined. She shamed me into giving it a try. to plan, but I can only do one thing at a Part of the training involved running. I’ve time. One of my favorite mantras, espenever been a runner, but I started small and cially when I get overwhelmed with all I continued until I could run three miles have to do, is "God gives me all the time I easily. We have a beautiful state park need to do everything I need to do." It’s nearby where I did most of my training. amazing the difference thinking that There was a steep hill that I could never thought makes. I end my day without make it up running, so I just stopped and stress and exhaustion, with my serenity walked it every time. (and abstinence) inOne day I had the In the beginning, I thought tact. thought, What if I reIn the beginning, I ally can make it up the thought I’d never I’d never have time to do hill but only think I have time to do all can’t? I asked God to all the tools of FA every day, the tools of FA every be my legs and get day, but I learned but I learned that if I do me up the hill if He that if I do all the wanted me to do it. I tools, I get to be aball the tools, I get to be made it up that hill stinent and serene easily and was out of and have more time abstinent and serene breath, but still upand energy to devote right! I’ve made it up to life. I’m no longer and have more time that hill ever since. spending 24/7/365 My character deabout food and energy to devote to life. thinking fect of catastrophizor eating or beating ing also makes it myself up for having possible for me to sit in a chair and stress binged. I spend less time shopping and myself out thinking of all the things I have dressing because all my clothes fit all the to do today, tomorrow, next week, next time. year, and I exhaust myself without even I no longer fear the Fourth Step because getting out of the chair. now I want to know what’s in my bag so I Program has taught me to stay in the mo- can recognize my defects when they pop ment, ask for guidance and help, and sim- up. My abstinence and serenity are worth ply do the next indicated thing as I go whatever it takes to keep them. through my day. I’ve learned that it’s okay Donna B., Oregon, US 12
July/August 2022
Pretty Poison
I
n the Twenty-Four Hours a Day book, I from two days to three weeks. Each mornread about treating alcohol as a poi- ing, I would wake up hoping that the food son. I immediately converted the word wouldn’t conquer me, though it inevitably alcohol to my addiction substance, which would. Those packages had won the is food. I recalled the fleeting delight I ex- willpower battle—again. perienced when I partook in the foods that Since I have been in FA, the poison food would ultimately try whispers, but it is to destroy me. These barely audible. I am Because of continuous, foods were pretty, no longer bewitched but alas, they too by it. Today, I don’t contented abstinence, were poisons to my see the appeal. I see I can now see beyond mind, body, and misery, shackles, and spirit. death. Because of the pretty poison and see Going down cercontinuous, contain aisles in the grotented abstinence, I the traps of addictive eating can now see beyond cery store would awaken my addicthe pretty poison to and obsessive thinking. tion. The food the traps of addictive seemed to be eating and obsessive screaming for me, clamoring for me, wel- thinking. coming me home. The packages, with col- It wasn’t always easy to say no to the food. ors so bright and inviting and the writing There was never a pantry, refrigerator, or so bold and beckoning, promised sheer drawer beyond my reach. I’d find the food, bliss. The lure was unmistakable. Time and devour it, and cower in shame at all the time again I would give in, my brain light- pretty, empty boxes and packages left being up as I tore open that prettily packaged hind—evidence of my steadfast addiction poison, and I would overeat to the point of and unmanageable life. When I didn’t have disgust, shame, and severe physical dis- the food available, it was just a car drive comfort. Once I began eating, I was pow- away. How my brain lit up when I despererless over the food for periods lasting ately grabbed those keys. I was free to connection
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choose what I wanted, to eat what I up. wanted, and to continue in my misery and After two years of abstinence, I still avoid shame (though the addiction cunningly certain aisles of the grocery store. Why hid those). The addiction made me forget tamper with serenity? Why torture myself that these appealing things would eventu- with the past? I have a new life in recovery, ally kill me. The addiction compelled me and there’s no food, no pretty poison, that to stuff, eat, hoard, and hide. Food made can compare to the delectable recovery I life better, until it didn’t. enjoy today. One day, after buyHow did I get to ing a sugar-flour It was through my recovery contented abstiitem, I sat and ate nence? In a word, and cried and ate surrender. I was arroin FA that I realized and cried and ate. I gant enough to that my emotional pain was think that I would be was so empty spiritually and so depressed an exception to folwhat compelled me to eat. emotionally, but I lowing the FA proknew of no other sogram. I finally lution than to eat. Food no longer satis- realized I needed to surrender to the profied, but what else could I do with my gram just as my sponsor outlined it to me. emotions but stuff them down into obliv- It’s not prettily packaged, but it’s tried and ion? I had no other solutions; food was my true by thousands of addicts before me. solution. While doing some grocery shopping the It was through my recovery in FA that I other day, I passed by an establishment realized that my emotional pain was what where I used to feed my addiction. For a compelled me to eat. The alluring packag- fleeting moment, I remembered the ing of the sugar, flour, and binge foods was aroma, the taste, and the feel of that item. only a smokescreen to distract me from I continued to drive past the place, knowfear, pride, perfectionism, shame, negative ing it was no longer an option for me; not thinking, and dishonesty. my food. How do I do it? It’s truly spiritual I don’t think I’ve ever met a sugar product work—99 percent of God working in me, I didn’t like since I was three years old. and 1 percent of me surrendering to God Sugar calmed my fears and shielded me, al- as I follow the FA program. My days are albeit temporarily, from the emotional pain ready planned, and recovery helps me to of parental criticism and neglect growing roll with the spontaneity and unforeseen 14
July/August 2022
PETER S., ME
problems that used to unhinge me and drive me back to the food. Recovery feels so good it often brings me to tears, knowing that I have a new life when I say no to the pretty poisons that atconnection
tempted to choke the life from me, literally and figuratively. My food today comes primarily from nature, and my way of living and eating comes from God. Sheryn N., California, US 15
How I Do it Now
I
have struggled for 27 years to get and stay abstinent. About 10 years ago, I had two years of abstinence and lost 140 pounds, but then I gained it all back, plus more. I felt much remorse over all the time I had wasted struggling. During all the years I have been in food recovery programs, I was probably only abstinent about 10-15 percent of that time. When I would start feeling good after a few weeks of abstinence, I would over-schedule my life, and stop feeling a connection to God, and stop asking for help or doing service. After a week or so of this busy kind of life, I became exhausted, tools went by the wayside, and I would end up face down in the food, wondering how I got there. I recommitted to FA, found a new sponsor, and decided I would do what she suggested. For the first 90 days, I did not eat out, go on a trip, or have guests who were not FA people. I started going over all my plans with my sponsor or fellows to see if they felt I was doing too much. My mind is broken when it comes to knowing when I am overdoing. I did my tools every day and talked with fellows with long-term abstinence. Getting closer to my Higher Power was the biggest factor in helping me stay absti16
nent. I now stop frequently during the day, sit down, and say, “God, how am I doing? What is my next right action?” The answer often comes quickly. Asking God, my sponsor, and fellows for help has been a new experience for me. I find my life getting so much easier when I use these resources instead of trying to figure out everything by myself. It seems like there is always someone in FA who has dealt with a problem I am having and can offer guidance and suggestions. Asking for help keeps me humble, which I see now is essential to my recovery. Service is also key. For the first 90 days, I just helped set up chairs, put out literature, and clean up after the meeting. At these times, I talked to fellows I might not otherwise interact with and gradually built new relationships, which made outreach calls much easier. After I reached 90 days of abstinence, I was the connection rep for two of my meetings, attended committee meetings at Intergroup, and participated in connection conference calls. Writing this article is a commitment I made to the connection committee and another fellow. After six months of abstinence, I started sponsoring, which has helped to reinforce my program every morning when I talk to July/August 2022
MARGARET N., WA
sponsees. Doing what I say I am going to help. He is there for me and, as one of my do has helped raise my self-esteem, which sponsors would always tell me, “God is in turn enhances my recovery. I know now crazy about you.” I now believe that. that I can get through anything with God’s Anonymous connection
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Finding My Way Back
A
ddictive eating, for me, was almost certainly a death sentence. But the decision to connect to an FA meeting via video conference in August 2021 changed my life. I first started FA in 2014. I had some success losing weight, having started at 274 pounds and getting down to 199 pounds. I left FA because I was unable to be completely honest with my sponsors about weighing and measuring my food, as well as eating in restaurants. When I started regaining weight, I felt hopeless and quit the program. After leaving FA, my addictive eating escalated, and the added weight took a toll on my body. As I kept gaining weight, getting out of bed and walking around the house were nearly impossible. My bladder leaked and I embarrassingly would often not make it to the bathroom in time. My swollen ankles and feet left me unable to wear enclosed shoes. I wore only flip flops, even in winter. Worried about my health, my extended family constantly warned me about my six-to-eight-bottles-a-day diet soda addiction. When shopping with my husband, I had to use a motorized cart or wait in the car while he shopped. He did all the shopping and carried groceries into the house without my help. He 18
fixed all his meals, which were healthy, balanced foods, while I washed down large quantities of bagged or prepared foods full of flour and sugar with diet soda. Because I could not take care of myself, I felt humiliated. My diabetes worsened. Over time, the 240 units of insulin I took to try to control blood sugars wasn’t enough. Even though I knew I was going to eat myself into a casket, I could not stop eating addictively. My husband had resigned himself to a future living alone. I honestly believed death was near. One day I was visiting a friend who, years earlier, left FA, just as I had. She told me why she returned to the program. During a consultation with her doctor about gastric bypass, he encouraged her to return to the Twelve-Step Program that worked so well for her in the past. Heeding her doctor’s advice, she returned to FA. I immediately saw a dramatic change in her. She was abstinent and happy. I wanted what she had. Witnessing this change gave me a measure of hope. She explained how I could get on a virtual FA meeting using a computer app from home. That day in August 2021, a miracle happened. The fellow who qualified spoke about how perfectionism had ruled her life. She learned to live a life of progress, July/August 2022
not perfection. Because she had lost a lot of call, but I wanted to give my food plan for weight and maintained this weight loss for that day to someone, and I asked if she would years, her story resonated with me. I heard I receive it. I explained that I couldn’t get the could have a life without addictive eating, food until 7:30 a.m. To my surprise, I received based on spiritual principles. I could take ac- a text back immediately. Yes, she would take tion and live a structured life, weighing and my food plan and then she wrote me a touchmeasuring food and being honest. ing, beautiful message. I cried even more. AlEveryone at that meeting greeted me with though she said she could not sponsor me, warmth and joy. I felt that fellow saved me comfortable and wel- I am grateful that even though at that moment. She comed. Upon their was the beginning of suggestion to newreal hope for my life. I gave up on myself, comers, I stayed at My first miracle. the end of the meetAs promised, I obGod never did. ing and shared my tained my abstinent I thank FA and feelings of hopelessfood at 7:30 a.m. and ness. I confessed that ate an abstinent breakthe fellowship for I needed and wanted fast. The next thing to be honest and yet I that happened shows welcoming me home wasn’t sure I could be. how God worked I wrote down the that day to change my to a new, better life. phone numbers of life. About 15 minutes five fellows. later, I received my About 4:00 the next morning, I decided I first outreach call from an FA member who would go to the store, buy abstinent food, had been on the meeting the night before. and write a food plan to give to someone. I She called to say, “Welcome to FA.” I felt even thought about calling someone, but it right at home with this person because she was too early. I live in a small town with only was pleasant and easy to talk to. Before our one little store that opens at 7:30 a.m., so I call was finished, she said, “I would be willing waited for time to pass. By 6:00 a.m. I was in to be your temporary sponsor to get you tears; I felt trapped. Then I decided to pick started in FA.” Imagine my shock and joy one of the phone numbers I collected from that someone was willing to work with me! the night before. I texted that person that I I was then, and still am, deeply grateful for was desperate and knew it was too early to this woman’s willingness to give her time, enconnection
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ergy, experience, strength, and hope to me. During these first 90 days, my life has taken a 180-degree turn for the better. I am eating to live, not living to eat. Ninety days after that call and commitment to be honest to God and my sponsor, I am enjoying the benefits of the FA fellowship. I practice all the tools of the program, which keep me abstinent one day at a time. Miracles continue to happen. My feet and ankles are back to a normal size, and I am pain-free. I have graduated from flip flops to tennis shoes and even wear wedges and other cute shoes. I am no longer bedridden. I can walk unaided. Goodbye motorized carts at big box stores. I even enjoy walking and I can go further every week. My diabetes is under control and I am no longer shooting 240 units of insulin. I am at 25 units now, with the hope of soon being free from all diabetic medications. Before eating any meals, and when I pray on my knees morning and night, I remind myself that abstinence is the pathway to God and my spiritual life. Thank you, God, for the grace and willingness to stay abstinent, one day at a time. At this point in my recovery, I am filled with gratitude in all areas of my life. I am grateful that even though I gave up on myself, God never did. I thank FA and the fellowship for welcoming me home to a new, better life. A life full of miracles! Joeinne C., Oregon, US 20
Twelve Steps 1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs. July/August 2022 Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous
Game Over
I
have been a member of FA for almost six years and am gratefully blessed with the gift of abstinence from addictive eating, one day at a time. When I first became abstinent from addictive eating, I started playing excessive amounts of computer games. Computer games were my new ‘go to’ for immediate comfort and gratification. I told myself if I could not eat, at least I could play my favorite computer games. And play I did! Many nights I was up until 3 a.m. or later. I could easily play computer games for three to six hours, non-stop. Going to bed so late was not conducive to getting up early in the morning for quiet time, talking with my sponsor, or bringing my best self to work. The consequences of spending that much time on computer games took its toll in ways similar to when I spent so much time pursuing, buying, and eating food. Remorse and regret set in because I was not engaging in other activities in my life. I would tell myself, “Well, at least I didn’t eat” and that was true. I was very grateful, relieved, and hopeful each day that I was blessed with another day of abstinence from addictive eating. But I lived a secret life of embarrassment and shame about my computer game playing. connection
Although I very much appreciated and loved my sponsor, I did not want to talk about this secret part of my life for a long time. The addict in me did not want to change. Finally, I talked about it with my sponsor. In hindsight, I see that I engaged in lies of omission by not sharing this part of myself with my sponsor earlier. I was not giving my sponsor or my Higher Power a chance to help me. My sponsor was very kind and loving in her response. She suggested that perhaps I could do weighed and measured amounts of computer games. Perhaps it did not have to be all or nothing. That made good sense to me. I decided to commit to playing computer games no more than 30 minutes per day and see what happened. I reported my computer game time to my sponsor each day just as I did with my food. For about six months that worked great. I did not go past the 30 minutes and sometimes played less than 30 minutes. On rare occasions, I did not play at all. Then one night in a moment of self-will, weakness, and rebellion, I had a slip and played computer games in excess. The next day I shamefully reported to my sponsor about my slip playing computer games well beyond 30 minutes. I recommitted to 21
weighed and measured amounts of playing time. That lasted for a few weeks, until I had another slip, where I once again played into the wee hours of the morning as my rebellious self-will took charge. This pattern was looking all too familiar. I had crossed over to the side of being powerless over my computer game playing. I suspected that total abstinence from playing computer games might be necessary for me and might provide more of the recovery, relief, and connection with my Higher Power. To my surprise, when I completely stopped playing, I went through a period of withdrawal. My addict mind had convinced me that computer game playing was not truly a problem. I was in denial. I was wrong. My withdrawal period from computer game playing was similar to the withdrawal and the longing I experienced with the food when I first started FA. However, within a few weeks of complete abstinence from playing computer games, it got easier and my desire to play diminished. It has been approximately two years since I have played any computer games. Today, I rarely think about playing computer games. That is a miracle I would not have imagined was possible. The removal of yet another obsession and addiction in my life has been among the many gifts I continually receive from my Higher Power. 22
Since that time, my addictive personality has latched on to other new escape behaviors and substances which were not previously a problem. I have discovered that I need to completely abstain from several food condiments, flavored sugar-free beverages, herbal teas, and more, in order to be free and allow my Higher Power in. I also need to be watchful and ask my Higher Power and others to help me with my tendency to overwork, to accumulate too many clothes at garage sales and thrift stores, and to binge on excessive TV watching. I have even used attendance at too many FA meetings as an escape from facing my daily responsibilities and duties. I am grateful that I have a sponsor who spots problem areas in my life long before I want to acknowledge their existence or face the truth about the damage they are causing in my life and the lives of others. When my sponsor asks me to consider a new behavior or choice, I discover that not only was it a change I needed to make, but it becomes a change I want to make because of the improved quality of life I experience. Thanks to the Twelve Steps, the program of action outlined in the AA Big Book, and to a power greater than me, I am guided to a more spiritual life that keeps getting better each day as I practice these principles in all my affairs. Anonymous July/August 2022
No Matter What
Quarantining Abstinently
W
for 88 days and just came back to Taiwan a week ago. It was not easy to come back and be without local fellows. I needed to stay in the hotel and isolate for 15 days. It was not easy at all. While I was planning my trip back to Tai-
XANDRA G., CA
hile writing this article, I am halfway through my quarantine at the hotel in Taiwan. According to the new law, I have to quarantine for two weeks here, then another week at home. I was in the United States
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wan, I was so anxious. As a member of FA, nence is more important than anything. the most important thing for me is having When I had leftovers, I put them into the my abstinent food for each meal while at mini refrigerator. In Taiwan, hotels don’t the hotel. I learned in this program to take provide any microwaves. I don’t like to eat an action instead of living in my head. First, cold food, so I made a call to an FA memI contacted the hotel and asked what they ber and asked for help. She told me that I serve. Unfortunately, even though the can take the food from the refrigerator a hotel fee included three meals a day, I was few hours ahead of my mealtime and leave not able to eat anyit beside the window thing they served. Even though the hotel fee to warm it up a bit. It Of course, I was worked! frustrated, yet I included three meals a day, Life in the hotel is didn’t give up. I like a criminal living asked my Higher I was not able to eat anything in prison, with only a Power for help and tiny window. I can’t they served. ... I asked my learned I could get even walk out of my the food that I room! I am grateful Higher Power for help and needed delivered. that there are FA virI had never used a tual meetings. I can learned I could get the food food delivery service see my FA friends before, so I spent on the screen and that I needed delivered. some time doing the get my recovery. research. I picked a Thank you, God, for few restaurants that could accommodate the video calls to connect with FA memmy food plan and contacted them for bers around the world. That allows me to more details. I was doing the math. How smash my isolation and get a lot of supmuch money would I have to spend on port. food for two weeks? Oh, wow! It was a lot I am so grateful for the FA tools, other of money to get delivery for every meal. I FA members, and God’s company to help was trying to get canned food to save me get through the quarantine. If I am money. Unfortunately, most canned food willing and choose to be abstinent, I can in Taiwan has sugar in it. I had to let go of be abstinent no matter the circumstances. financial insecurity. I know that my abstiMandy C., Taiwan 24
July/August 2022
Lighten Up!
MEREDITH M
., ME
New Construction
I
got abstinent while working on a construction site with a team of very big, caring, and supportive guys. I told them my ugly stories of how I used to binge on quantities of flour and sugar. They got to see the difference between me as an abstinent person versus me as a person deep in a food fog, and they preferred the abstinent me. One day a worker who was not familiar with my program offered me a sugar product. Before I could politely decline, one of my co-workers immediately jumped out of his chair, pointed a menacing finger at the man, and shouted, “Don’t offer her food!” How’s that for support? Akia W., Virginia, US
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
