connection: October 2022: Changing My Tune

R ecei v ing a Mirac le

Once, I broke a set of sta irs. Tum

b l i n g f ro m t h e d e c k to t h e ground , I l ay on the gra ss in my summer d ress (a muumuu), beg g ing for it to b e a d re a m. I w a s surrounded by ad ul t s a n d c h i l d ren at a b i r t h d a y p a r t y, h u m i l ia te d , a s h a m e d , a n d e m b a r r a s s e d , a n d e v e r y o n e r u s h e d to s e e i f I w a s o k a y. I w a n te d to d i s a p p e a r Bu t my 2 4 0 p o u n d b o d y a n d te a r s o f s h a m e k e p t t h a t f ro m happening. No, it wa sn ’ t a dream. This wa s my re a l i t y, a n d a s h a rd a s t h a t m o m e n t w a s, it w a sn ’ t the worst humi l i ati on.

In Ap r i l 2 0 2 1 , a f te r a c h a o t i c y e a r t h ro u g h C OV I D, p a n d e m i c s c h o o l i n g , n o s t r u c t u re , a n d a to n o f u n c e r t a i n t y, I had ga ined over 80 p ound s.

I h a d b a t t l e d a n o re x i a a n d b u l i m i a t h ro u g h my 2 0 s , 3 0 s , a n d e a r l y 4 0 s , b u t w hen C OVI D hit, the p end ul um s w ung i n t h e o t h e r d i re c t i o n . I h a d c o m p l e te l y l o s t c o n t ro l o v e r f o o d a n d b e g a n b i n g e e a t i n g to o b l i v i o n . I w a s d e s p e r a te f o r hel p, a nd I sp ent thous a nd s of dol l a rs on mind set coaches, therapist s, nutriti onist s, a nd t ra iners. I se a rched “ binge e ating d is order” websites on the internet and joined more socia l med ia g roups than I had time

f o r. I e n d e d u p s i n k i n g f u r t h e r i n to t h e darkest hole. At 44, I had become a ra g ing mom, impati ent w i fe, and a s ad , desperate wo m a n. I b e l i e v e d t h ere w a s n o p o i n t i n l i fe.

Fo r m o s t o f my a d u l t y e a r s , I h a d m a na g e d s o m e c o n t ro l w i t h f o o d . I w o re hunger l i ke a bad ge of honor, and yet now I could not f ind f ul l ness, either in s ati et y or in l i fe. I w a s hol low, yet l a rger tha n my husband’s heav iest friends. At 259 pounds, I d e te r m i n e d t h a t t h i s w a s a n i g h t m a re , a nd I could not f i g ure out how to cha nge the t rajector y. I could n ’ t c ross my legs or keep up w ith my three g ir l s on w a l ks, let a l o n e c h a s e a f ter t h em, a n d e v er y t i m e I s at in a cha ir I fe a red I mi g ht bre a k it. I h a d l o s t co n n e c t i o n w i t h m o s t o f my friend s, a s I couldn’t bear seeing or ta l king to a ny o n e i n my h i d e o u s s t a te . I h i d i n a g i a nt tent-l i ke muumuu most of my d ays and donned the s ame oversized tent d ress w hen I w a s forced to go outdo ors on hot summer d ays. The r i pp ed up, hole-r i dden p a j a m a h a d b e c o m e a m e t a p h o r f o r my l i f e . I n o l o n g e r c a re d a b o u t my a p p e a r a nce b ec ause I d i d n ’ t w a nt to see a nyone. Th i s w a s a b i g d e p a r t u re f ro m o n l y 2 0

ye a rs a go w hen I mo deled professi ona l l y, w e i g h i n g a g a u n t 1 0 0 p o u n d s , w e a r i n g onl y the b est clothes a nd sho es, a nd happi l y recei v ing attenti on ab out my lo oks.

Despite my d ista nce f rom most f r i end s,

I re m a i n e d c l o s e w i t h a d e a r f r i e n d o f mine. I remember reaching out to her one morning in a desperate plea for help. I d id n ’ t k n o w w h e re to t u r n . I h a d t a p p e d o u t a l l o f t h e re s o u rc e s , p ro g r a m s , books, and podca sts. S h e l i s te n e d to m e s o b. S h e c o u l d n ’ t help me either. L ater t h a t d a y, I w a s a i m l e s s l y s c ro l l i n g t h ro u g h s o c i a l m e d i a a n d c a m e a c ro s s a w o m a n sharing her stor y. To ta l l y unrel ated to her reg ul a r content, she re ve a led her deep est s t r u g g l e s a n d s e c re t s a ro u n d d i s o rd e re d e ating .

in p a in w ith my exacerb ated pl a nta r f a sci itis.

A s s h e s h a re d h er s to r y, I co u l d n ’ t h e l p b u t t h i n k t h a t I w a n te d w h a t s h e h a d . I wondered a loud how she got hel p a nd , a l t h o u g h I d i d n ’ t k n o w t h i s w o m a n , I reached out to her w ith a pri vate mess a ge, b e g g i n g h e r to te l l m e w h e re s h e f o u n d hel p.

I knew this was God’s miracle, and I was open to receiving it.

Pr i v a te l y, s h e re s p o n d e d v e r y s i m p l y, “ We d o n ’ t e a t f l o u r, w e d o n ’ t e a t s u g a r. He re ’ s t h e website.”

It w a s l i ke looking into a mirror. She w a s tel l ing my stor y. I sobbed. Except that this woman w a s g low ing , thin, happy, and able to k e e p u p w i t h f o u r c h i l d re n o n ro c k c l i m b i n g w a l l s . I c o u l d n ’ t e v e n k e e p u p w ith my kid s on a w a l k throug h the neig h b or ho o d , a l w ays returning bre athless a nd

I i m m e d i a te l y f o u n d t h e FA w eb site a nd , ad mitted l y, was ver y weirded out b y t h e f a c t t h a t t h e word “add i ct ” w a s in t h e t i t l e . I d i d n ’ t i denti f y a s a n add i ct, that’s for sure. Never theless, I dow nloaded t h e g re eter l i s t a n d f o u n d o n e Ca n a d i a n g re e te r. S h e h a p p e n e d to b e f ro m my sma l l hometow n. I thoug ht to myself this surel y w a s a si g n f rom Go d.

I s p o k e w i t h t h e k i n d w o m a n o n t h e other end of the phone. She a sked i f I w a s re a d y to s t a r t t h a t d a y. I c r i e d b u t a n s w e re d w i t h a c e r t a i n “ y e s . ” I l i s te n e d to e v er y t h i n g s h e s a i d . No co f f e e. No a l co -

I put my will, my stubborn “I know what’s best,” and my grieving for co ee and alcohol aside, and listened to ever y word she shared.

The next time we sp oke, she sha red the actions that were expected of me. Quietl y, I wondered to myself, how would thi s be p os s i b l e ? I a m a n e n t re p re n e u r, m o t h e r o f t h re e y o u n g c h i l d re n , h e a d o f my h o u s e h o l d . I c o u l d n ’ t p o s s i b l y c a r v e o u t t i m e to ma ke three c a l l s d a i l y, s i t q u i e t l y f o r 3 0 m i n u te s , p l u s a d a i l y 1 5 minute c a l l w ith my sp onsor. But i n s te a d o f c h a l l e n g i n g h e r o r c o m p l a i n i n g , I s i m p l y n o d d e d o n t h e o t h e r e n d o f t h e p h o n e , “ Ye s , m a ’ a m . ” R e c o g n i z i n g t h a t s u re l y G o d h a d b ro u g h t m e to t h i s p ro g ra m, how d a re I turn my b ack on it now?

A c o u p l e o f d a y s l a te r, t h i s w o m a n a g reed to b ecome my sp onsor. She w a s a teacher, l iv ing in my hometow n, and beau t i f u l i ns i d e a n d o u t . I k n e w I w a n te d t h e p e ace, serenit y, a nd b o d y she had found.

I kne w this w a s Go d’s miracle, a nd I w a s

open to receiv ing it. I put my w i l l, my stubborn “I know w hat’s best,” and my grie v ing for coffee a nd a lcohol a si de, a nd l istened to e ver y word she sha red. I had the g i f t of d e s p e r a t i o n . I w o r k e d t h i s p ro g r a m , d e s p i te b e i n g i n t h e m i d s t o f a b u s i n e s s l aunch, despite hav ing to mana ge my chi ld ren ’ s remote le a rning need s throug hout t h e p a n d e m i c , d e s p i te f e e l i n g l i ke I d i d n ’ t have time or energ y. I w o r k e d e v e r y s i n g l e to o l , e v e r y d a y, a n d I att r ibute that to the streng th and c o u r a g e o f my sp onsor.

I a m t r u l y g r a te f u l f o r t h i s i n c re d i b l e p rog r a m . To my Hi g h e r Po w e r, w h o m I c a l l G o d , I a m eter n a l l y g r ate f u l t h at He l e d m e o n t h i s path, to my sponsor, and to this fel lowship. Wi t h o u t G o d ’ s h a n d i w o r k t h a t d a y a n d w ithout my w i l l ingness and desperati on, I s u re l y w o u l d n o t b e l i v i n g l i f e a s I n o w k n o w i t , b r i m m i n g f u l l o f m i r a c l e s a n d n e w p o s s i b i l i t i e s , w a k i n g e a c h d a y w i t h hop e a nd a spir it of g ratitude.

DEB H , MA

Al ana C., Manit oba, Canad a

Ne w Found Hop e

Thetime of year that people give thanks for all their blessings is drawing near. I am also approaching my six months in FA. When I re ect on my per sonal growth during these past few months, I genuinely am “amazed” before I am half way through, just as the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous promises.

Last year at this time, I was gravely ill. I was facing surger y for kidney stones, su ering from fatt y liver disease, a “c-di ” infection, high cholesterol, epilepsy, lupus, and os teoarthritis. I had eaten my way up to 217 pounds and was so completely miserable, I didn’t have any desire to go on.

I was ill all through the holiday season. My physician cautioned me that, if I didn’t take action and lose weight, I wouldn’t be around much longer. Luckily, my daughter in Cali fornia called me and said “Mom, I think I have a program you might be interested in.” She explained that one of her coworkers had been in FA for a number of years and was successful.

at Saturday, I called a taxi and went to my rst FA meeting. I sat right up front and listened intently as the leader quali ed and oth ers shared stories about their personal

struggles with food. I have since realized that I am a food addict, and that I have found a place where I can receive guidance and sup port from people that share my disease.

I made sure I got a sponsor and have maintained my abstinence since that day. During the past six months, I have faced some major life issues, such as moving out of state, and the death of my beloved dog. I’ve dealt with these issues, made sound decisions with mental clarit y, worked my program, maintained my abstinence, and stayed focused.

I have lost 40 pounds and my health is dra matically improving. My doctors are impressed with my progress. I know I will continue to feel better if I follow the simple precepts of this program that have been given to me.

I also have a renewed sense of faith in God. My faith continues to develop as I live my life, surrendering one day at a time. I am so grate ful for my fellows and the organization that provides me with opportunities to give back what I have so freely been given. I am now lled with a new found hope, free from fear, doubt, and insecurit y. is is truly my season of gratitude.

Janet S., New Hampshire, US

Li fe Insi de

In t h e n e w n o r m a l o f Co v i d 1 9 , l o n g d a y s h a v e s h i f te d i n to a v a r i e t y o f chores. First, there is scr ubbing , prep p i n g , g r o c e r y d e l i v e r y, a n d c o o k i n g o f f o o d . At 7 8 , I d o n ’ t d a re s te p i n to a s to re a n y m o r e , m a s k e d o r b a r e f a c e d . T h e n there’s bi l l p ay ing a nd checkb o ok b a l a nc i n g . Fi n a l l y, t h ere ’ s a n e w f o r ay i n to te c h m i s e r y w i t h te l e m e d i c i n e d o c to r a p p o i n t m en t s f o r my v i r u s - v u l n e r a b l e 8 1 y e a r o l d h u b b y. I a m a l s o t r y i n g to k e e p a l l h i s m o n ito r i n g d e v i c e s bre athing , b eeping , a n d p u m p i n g .

D e s p i te o u r s h e l ter ing in pl ace, I a m n o t e x p e r i e n c i n g i s o l a t i o n . L o n e l i n e s s b o w s to f a m i l i a r f a c e s c o p i n g a n d c o m m i s e r a t i n g o n v i d e o c o n f e r e n c i n g p l a t forms. As I red uce exp ectati ons of myself a n d e v er y b o d y e l s e , I d r aw j o y f ro m t h e i m p e r f e c t a c h i e v e m e n t s o f h o m e m a n i p e d i s a n d f l y aw ay h a i r.

Th e i m p o r t a n ce o f t h e s l o p p y co i f, t h e u n t a k en t r i p, a n d t h e c a n ce l e d v i s i t s h a s

c h a n g e d . L a s t we e k I c a re d . Th i s we e k I c a n b a re l y rem em b er t h em. W h i l e l i f e i n t h e o u te r w o r l d h a s c h a n g e d , f o l l o w i n g t h e FA p ro g r a m h a sn ’ t . I s t i l l p r a c t i c e a l l t h e to o l s o f m y p r og r a m. I p r ay e v er y m o r n i n g a n d n i g h t f o r t h e w i l l i n g n e s s to f o l l o w t h e d i r e c t i o n s t h at k e e p m e a b s t i n en t . I c a l l my sp o ns o r at exactl y 7:15 e ver y morning. I sti l l a ssi d u o u s l y w e i g h a n d m e a s u r e m y f o o d a n d s t i c k to t h e a d v i c e my sp o n s o r l a y s o u t f o r m e . I d u t if ul l y zoom into three m e e t i n g s a w e e k , w r i te d o w n m y f e e li n g s i ns te a d o f e at i n g t h e m , s h a r e t h o s e f e e l i n g s at m e et i n g s , a n d m a k e t h re e o u tr e a c h p h o n e c a l l s d a i l y. By k e e p i n g t h e r i g h t f o o d s av a i l a b l e a n d re a d i n g o u r re quired l iterature e ver y d ay, I let Go d have a c h a n c e to d i r e c t m y t h i n k i n g a n d a c t i o n s . If I d o m y to o l s , i t d o e s n ’ t m a t te r h o w s h a k y i t g e t s o u t i n t h e w o r l d . L i f e i ns i d e w i t h FA i s g o o d en o u g h f o r m e.

Ni n a G. , C a l i f o r nia , U S

If I do my tools, it doesn’t matter how shaky it gets out in the world. Life inside with FA is good enough for me.

Mounta in Fronti er

Ibegan

my recover y journey in FA in April 1995, in southeast Florida. In 2000, I moved to the mountains of west ern North Carolina due to my husband’s failing health. I had only ve years of abstinence under my belt. By the time of our move, I had just nished an AWOL.

I was lled with fear. I was moving to a new state. e closest FA meeting was three hours away. I was also grieving, moving away from my t wo children and t wo small grand sons. I felt like my heart was breaking.

I was afraid that my recover y would be in jeopardy with no FA meetings or local fel lowship. My “grand sponsor ” gave me sage advice. She said with a smile, “Bloom where you ’ re planted.”

e trip from Florida to North Carolina was a di cult one. I had worked at my job until the day of the move, so I started o tired and stressed. My 24 year old son and his friend drove the moving van and I drove our car with my husband beside me. My hus band su ered severe PTSD from the Viet nam War and was nonfunctional.

I arrived in North Carol ina and fear gripped me again. I realized I didn’t know a soul in this isolated mountain town. I was far away from my family, FA fellowship, church,

job, and friends. I am a “comfort seeking missile” and none of this was comfortable. I was living with a mentally and physically ill hus band in unfamiliar surroundings.

I found listings for local AA groups and at tended my rst AA meeting, praying all the way there for God to help me suit up and show up and stay beside me as I wal ked through that door for the rst time. ere were about six men there that night, drinking co ee and eating our and sugar snacks. ese kind men welcomed me and asked me to share during the meeting. We became a close knit group over the years. I asked God for help to not focus on the eating , drinking, and cross talk, but rather to focus on the message of recover y that these long term recovering alcoholics shared.

I shared at AA meetings about my emotional and spiritual grow th through the Twelve Steps. I knew that ser vice was vital to my recover y, so at the AA meetings I volunteered to read, place literature, and clean up a er ward. I attended special events in AA dinners for members who were celebrating birthdays and recover y workshops. ese were all hard activities for me. I’m not an al coholic, but I again asked God for help, and even though I felt like a sh out of water, I

kept showing up. I also joined a phone AWOL led by t wo long-term FA members.

My ne w job presented chal lenges that I didn’t anticipate. I was expected to be on call for the operating room and labor and deliver y suite. At times I found myself at the hos pital for a straight 20 plus hours and would go home and sleep four hours and then return to the hospital for my next regular shi . I knew that if I failed to plan, I planned to fail. I made sure I had enough meals with me to cover those long hours. It was such a relief to know that I had all my weighed and meas ured meals ready to go! If I was up all night, I didn’t eat until breakfast.

I know that going to God in these situa tions kept me abstinent. I was tired and that was always my trigger for seeking comfort in the food. I was amazed that prayer provided the protection I needed to stay abstinent.

My sponsor suggested that, once a month, I make the trip to Charlotte, North Carolina for a Saturday morning FA meeting. I did as she suggested and took my lunch, spent the day with my new friends in fellowship, and managed the seven-hour round trip with a determination to put recover y rst.

At rst my husband went with me. I have a ver y poor sense of direction and I get sleepy a er 45 minutes of driving. A er a while, my sponsor sug gested I drive by myself. I was lled with that gripping fear again. However, I took the leap of faith, drove myself, and stopped whenever I felt sleepy.

Within a few months, I received a call from a fellow in Georgia. She was also on the fron tier and wanted to attend the Charlotte meeting once a month. We met in South Carol ina and drove together from there. What a gi of fellowship during that other wise challenging journey! is friendship led us to co lead several phone AWOLs to gether.

From day one on the frontier, I began praying for God to send another abstinent FA member to the area so that we could start a meeting here. At about the three-year mark, I received a phone call from an FA member who lived about an hour away. We started a meeting about 55 miles from my home. We d id a publ ic information (PI) session and had ve committed members for about t wo years. en my friend moved and the others dropped out of program. I was back to square one, still praying for another member to move here.

I asked an FA friend from Tennessee to co lead a PI in my hometown with me. She hap pily agreed. But on the day of the scheduled PI session, there was a snowstorm and my friend felt it would be unsafe to drive over the mountains to attend. I asked God to speak through me as I led the PI meeting alone.

Two people joined FA a er that PI session.

e meetings lasted t wo years and once

Twelve Traditions

again I was the only one attending. During all the disappointments, I was determined to remain abstinent by being squeaky clean with my food, living the Twelve Steps, and doing my tools each day. No matter what, I did not want to go back to the miser y in my life before FA.

I have gone through the death of my husband, the death of my mother a year later, and a new marriage to a godly man who sup ports my program. Being abstinent has given me the opportunit y to grow in recover y in good times and chal lenging times, by the grace of God.

Last year, God answered my prayers of 20 years with a “ yes. ” An FA member with over 20 years of back-to-back abstinence moved here. I had met her during my monthly visits to the Charlotte meeting years before. What a blessing! We planned to start an FA meeting and then COVID reared its ugly head. We have not been able to open a meeting yet due to the restrictions, but we have developed a close friendship, and in God’s time we will start an FA meeting together.

Our common welfare should come rst; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

Each group should be autonomous except in matters a ecting other groups or FA as a whole.

Each group has but one primary purpose –to carry its message to the food addict who still su ers.

An FA group ought never endorse, nance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and lms.

12.

Because I have made abstinence the most important thing in my life, ever ything else in my life has become rst class. My comfort comes not from the food anymore, but from God ( rst and foremost), my fellowship, and l iv ing a l ife of sane and happy usef ulness through Twelve Steps of recover y. Barbara H., North Carolina, US 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

Wor k Shi

Ithas been some time since the pandemic began, and I am gratef ul for my health and my job. I now work remotely and can avoid the time spent commuting on a crowded train. ey call it “work from home,” but am I really working from home or am I living at work?

Boundaries for this food addict do not come easily, especially with work. Before I came into FA, I was o en the rst one in the o ce and the last one to leave. I loved feeling useful and I enjoyed the pace of daily activi ties. It would rev me up and give me a sense of purpose. I would isolate behind a project or a deadline and avoid the mess I had made of my life. In truth, work was one of the few places I felt successful. I would get a hit from the busyness and my ego would get a short lived boost. At the end of the day, as I made my way home, I would fantasize about re warding myself with pounds, pints, and pack ages of our and sugar products.

My goal was to avoid facing the realit y of my circumstances and numb myself by binge ing and purging. Flour and sugar were my anesthesia. As my body got bigger, my world got smaller and my need for more and more food to feel numb grew, night a er night, week a er week, month a er month, year a er year. And it worked, until it didn’t.

Program found me 13 years ago, and my life has changed in ever y conceivable way. I’m gratef ul to have recovered my integrit y, my faith in a power greater than myself, and my relationships with people.

Back in the days before program, work from home would have been a green light to isolate further, make hundreds of trips to the pantr y and refrigerator, binge and purge, and marinate in the inevitable self loathing that accompanied ever y pound gained.

Today, with the help of my Higher Power, I don’t hurt myself with food and I no longer bur y myself in work. I weigh and measure both. With the help of my tools and the Twelve Steps, I’ve learned to hold myself to reasonable boundaries as I work from home.

e seduction of empt ying my inbox or the satisfaction of completing a project a er working long into the night may spark my in terest momentarily, but I know what to do in response. I am privileged to be able to push myself away from my laptop and walk toward a meeting, a connection, a weighed and meas ured meal, or any of the other available tools.

I’ve become exible as I navigate life during the pandemic. Weighing and measuring my responses to the present moment, just as it is, is my gateway to lasting peace and serenit y. Kar yn K., California, US

B ottom Dol l ar

Iusedto joke that I only had a kitchen be cause it came with the house. In the years leading up to FA, I was eating all three meals at fast food places, even if I had packed my lunch or purchased groceries to cook. I tried to pick d i erent places in my smal l town for each meal so the workers wouldn’t catch on to how many times I was eating there. I cringed ever y time the cashiers rec ognized me as a regular customer. I o en ordered t wo meals, and at grocer y stores, I made up stories of big events so the cashier would not think al l the food was just for me. I stock piled fast food debris in my car and waited to empt y it when I was sure neighbors were not home to see how many bags I placed in the garbage barrels.

Seeing how o en fast food and groceries lled my bank statement was depressing. I began to use di erent payment methods so the bank and credit card employees would not see how much I was eating. I stopped using money tracking so ware because I did not want to see how much I was spending on food, which was represented with a large

wedge in the pie chart. I now real ize how ridiculous these games were, but at the time I was tr ying to hide the evidence of my dis ease, not only from others but from myself.

I went from being 20 pounds over weight at a ge 18 to being 200 pounds over weight by the time I was 36. Financing a size 36 wardrobe was not cheap, as big clothes were more expensive and had to be shipped. All this spending on food and clothing pre vented me from tr y ing too many commercial weight loss programs be cause I just didn’t have the money to spare.

A er joining FA, I slowly started tracking my nances again. I no longer shielded myself from the painful evidence of my addic tive eating. My food plan was anything but skimpy and as my son became a teena ger, food was still one of my largest expenses. But I took pride in knowing that the money was spent on good, clean, simple, healthy food that was actually eaten.

I still have nancial hiccups, even in recov er y. A er losing weight, I went a little crazy over being able to shop for clothes in real

I stopped using mone y-tracking

so ware because I did not want to see how much I was spending on food.

When my son and I decided he was old enough to stay home alone, I moved the money I had been using for babysitting into a sav ings account. is al lowed me to v isit my sponsor ’ s larger, stronger fel lowship in

MEREDTITH M , ME

California and still have funds available to attend the FA Business Convention in Massa chusetts. I was thankf ul to be using my money for upli ing, rather than degrading, causes.

I am gratef ul to learn that “less is more, ” both in food and material items. Mostly, I am grateful that people of FA recognize me and reach out for my friendship, unl ike the cashiers that were only reaching out for my money.

Karen W., Washington, US

Learning to Love

Ihada l w ays fel t less than, not good enough, broken, and unlovable. I used anything I could to not feel: food, alco hol , d r ugs, shopping , and exercise. I kept people aw ay w ith my negative attitude, a s wel l a s w ith my excess weig ht. I w a s e ven afraid to be open with my Higher Power. I prayed, but deep down I didn’t think God could trul y like me, let alone love me.

I never let anyone in my life see me f ull y. I realized that I was afraid to let people reall y know me. I couldn’t understand how they would like me a er they got to know me. It a l l c ame dow n to that I d i d n ’ t l i ke myself much, let a lone love myself. People in my l ife had told me that they loved and cared about me, but that made no sense to me. I w a s pol ite and s a i d thank you, but in the back of my mind, I thought, How can the y love me?

Two months a go, my mom, w ho I took care of, passed away, and suddenl y the onl y person I needed to c are for and love w a s myself. Until recently, I had been struggling w ith that, bec ause a l thoug h people had been caring and loving , it bothered me be c ause I fel t l i ke I d i d n ’ t c are about myself like they cared about me.

Last week, I was headed for an emotional binge and my sponsor kept tel l ing me she

was worried about me. I was getting angr y w ith myself and ang r y w ith my Hig her Power. I just d i d n ’ t love myself l i ke I thought I should. However, tal king to my sponsor about it was eye opening. I under stood that I needed to let go of my expec tations of what loving myself looked like. I rea l ized that it’s not l i ke you see in the movies. I wasn ’ t going to wake up ever y day just d y ing to look in the mirror and s ay, “Good morning , beautif ul.” I wasn ’ t going to have this euphoric feel ing about myself ever y minute of the day. I wasn ’ t going to be happy with myself 24/7. I had to let go and let God in. I had to accept w ho I w a s and where I was in life.

I didn’t know how to love myself until my sponsor calml y and lovingl y stopped me in my tracks. She told me that ever ything I do in FA is an example of self love. She s a i d that ever y time I go to a meeting , stay absti nent, make an outreach call, do ser vice, get on my knees, go to AWOL, and work the tools, I am performing acts of self love. I sat there l istening to her and a feel ing over c ame me. I rea l ized that I do love myself, but it just d i d n ’ t look l i ke I thoug ht it should. I realized that I do love myself in my own way.

e next night I went to my committed

meeting. I got up to share and something happened to me. I started to tell the people in the room about the convers ati on w ith my sponsor and how I came into this program to lose weight and got self respect and self love a long w ith the weig ht loss. As I talked, I looked out over the room of more than 60 people and a w arm feel ing over c ame me. I rea l ized a s I ta l ked that I w a s making eye contact and looking straight at the people in the room. It d aw ned on me that a l l the times I have shared from the front of the room, I looked dow n or over people’s heads. I never looked directly at the people before. It w a s so awesome to see them and let them see me. I cannot put into words the feeling I felt at this time. I kne w that I actually do love myself and doing this program is my dail y act of self love.

Laura D., Ohio, US

Guard ian Angel

Isp en t m u c h o f my l i f e o n s o m e d i e t p l a n, l o s i n g t h e s a m e 2 0 p o u n d s o v er a n d o v e r a g a i n . My h u s b a n d o f 5 7 ye a rs ne ver gave up on me a nd a l w ays had f a i t h i n m y m a n y d i e t s t h a t c o s t t h o us a n d s o f d o l l a r s o v er t h e y e a r s . He w a s a s e n t h u s i a s t i c a s I w a s w h e n I w o u l d a n n o u n c e a n e w d i e t , a l w a y s s a y i n g , “ T h i s i s i t ! ” He n e v e r g a v e u p h o p e.

L i t t l e d i d I k n o w w h a t w a s a b o u t to h a p p e n to m e . I t h o u g h t I w o u l d m a k e o n e l a s t a t te m p t to l o s e w e i g h t t h r o u g h t h e Me d i f a s t p r og r a m . W h i l e I w a s s h o p p i n g a t a l o c a l m a r k e t , I m e t a w o m a n i n f r o n t o f m e a t t h e c h e c k o u t l i n e w h o h a d a l a r g e s e l e c t i o n o f g r e e n vegetables in her c a r t. I a sked about the vege t a b l e s a n d s h e r e s p o n d e d t h a t s h e o w n e d a l o c a l re s t aura nt w here she ser ved t h e m e v e r y d a y. I s a i d , “ G o s h , i f I w a s n ’ t o n m y w a y i n 1 5 m i n u te s to s t a r t a n e w d i et p l a n, my h us b a n d a n d I wo u l d g o to y o u r re s t au r a n t ! ” A s h o p p e r d i r e c t l y i n l i n e b e h i n d m e , w h o I n o w c a l l my g u a rd i a n a n g e l , s a i d , “ Pl e a s e d o n ’ t s t a r t a d i et . Yo u w i l l sp en d a l o t o f m o n e y, a n d i f y o u l o s e t h e we i g h t , y o u w i l l o n l y g a i n i t b a c k . ” S h e t h e n

A f te r I r e t i r e d , I s t a r te d g a i n i n g m o re w e i g h t . A s m y w e i g h t c l i m b e d , m y a c t i v i t i e s d e c l i n e d s u b s t a n t i a l l y. I l o v e d being a g rand mother a n d g r e a t g r a n d m o t h e r, a n d a l l t h e h o l i d a y s w e r e c e l e b r a te d a t o u r h o u s e , b u t I g o t to t h i n k i n g t h a t h a d to e n d . I w a s just to o he av y a nd old to continue. In f a c t , I t h o u g h t i t w a s t i m e to f i n d a n a ss i s te d l i v i n g f a c i l i t y. It n e v er o cc u r re d to m e t h at i t w a s b e c aus e I w a s 1 0 0 p o u n d s o v e r w e i g h t . I j u s t t h o u g h t y o u w a k e u p o n e d ay a s y o u a g e a n d r i g o r m o r t i s s et s i n . Yo u r f e e t h u r t , y o u r b a c k h u r t s , y o u w a l k s l o w l y b e c aus e y o u a re s t i f f, a n d i t i s t i m e to p l a n t h e l a s t s t a g e o f y o u r l i f e.

VICKI R , CA

re a c h e d i n to h e r p u r s e to f i n d a t r i f o l d w i t h i n f o r m at i o n a b o u t t h e FA p ro g r a m a n d t h e l o c at i o ns o f l o c a l m e et i n g s. S h e g a v e m e h e r n a m e a n d p h o n e n u m b e r, a n d a s I l o o k e d a t h e r, I w o n d e re d w h a t this thin woma n could know ab out b eing o v er we i g h t .

I stuck the t r i-fold in my purse a nd went to my d o c to r ’ s o f f i ce to s t a r t my d i et p ro g r a m. Af ter a b o u t f o u r m o n t hs a n d h u n d r e d s o f d o l l a r s , w i t h o n l y a b o u t a six pound weig ht loss, I pul led the tri fold o u t o f m y p u r s e a n d c a l l e d t h e w o m a n w ho had g i ven me her na me a nd numb er. I a s k e d h e r i f s h e r e m e m b e r e d m e a n d wo n d ere d i f I co u l d s t i l l co m e to a m e et i n g .

I s t a r te d t h e p r o g r a m a t 2 3 6 p o u n d s , a n d h a v e l o s t 7 5 p o u n d s . I a m n o w 7 5 years old and feel l i ke I am in my 50s. I am b a c k to k a y a k i n g , f i s h i n g , h i k i n g , c a m p i n g , at ten d i n g f o o t b a l l , b a s eb a l l , a n d s o c cer g a m e s , g o i n g to re c i t a l s , a n d d o i n g a l l t h e f u n t h i n g s w i t h m y g r a n d c h i l d r e n t h a t I t h o u g h t w e r e o v e r f o r m e . My we i g h t l o s s h a s n o t o n l y g i v en m e a n e w a n d b et ter l i f e b u t h a s i m p ro v e d l i f e w i t h my w hole f a mi l y. And I have a ne w f a mi l y w i t h my FA f e l l o w s , w h o I k n o w w i l l a lw ay s b e p a r t o f my l i f e. I t r u l y f e e l b l e s s e d a n d h o n e s t l y b e l i e v e i t w a s d i v i n e i n te r v e n t i o n to h a v e m e t t h a t w o m a n a t t h e g ro cer y s to re.

Te r r y H. , C a l i f o r nia , U S

Twelve Steps

We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our a airs.

A Stable Force

Aer 15 months of abstinence, my life burst. It’s like I was a balloon lled with too much air until it couldn’t hold any more and it exploded.

It was 6:15 A M and I was in pain, tr ying to commit my food to my long-distance sponsor bet ween winces and groans. She stopped me. “It sounds like you need to go to the hos pital.” I told her about my plan to go to job one, then job t wo, and come home if I didn’t feel better. I didn’t want to call in sick again. I’d been up in agony all night but didn’t want my co workers to think I was unreliable if I called in sick.. “It sounds like you need to go to the hospital,” she said again. She’s a retired nurse who calls it like it is. I hung up and crawled along my apartment oor, praying for help. In that moment, I felt directly connected to God. ere have been many times in my recover y where it felt like I was just going through the motions, praying and saying empt y words to my Higher Power with out any feeling, but in this moment, all those prayers I spent on my knees kicked in. I felt a conscious connection. I took a cab to the emergency room.

During that painful period, my usual obsessions simply vanished. It was me and God. It’s

good I went to the hospital. My appendix had ruptured. e medical sta removed it that night. e next morning, I understood that because of my sponsor ’ s clarit y, my life was spared.

Leading up to the burst, I’d been working t wo extra jobs and caref ully tr ying to cram ever ything into a meticulous schedule that included time for a new relationship, FA, family, and church. Still, I committed to work ever y FA tool ever y day, and I did. I was able to make it through the challenges and the joys of this time abstinently.

Early in recover y, I lamented to a long timer that it just felt like I wake up, do FA, go to work, do FA, come home, do FA, go to bed and do the same thing over again. Is this what recover y is like? She said, “ You’re building your foundation. Working your tools ever y day is like the roots of a tree growing deep into the soil, so when the storms come, your tree your abstinence will stand.” And, be hold, over the past several months, the storms have come. Some were self-created and others were not. e stable, rhythmic force in my life has been FA, my Higher Power, and my abstinence.

Co oking Up a Storm

Im o v e d to Te x a s f ro m t h e Wa s h i n g to n, D.C . a re a jus t a f e w m o n t hs a f ter I j o i n e d FA i n 2 0 0 9 . O v e r t h e y e a r s , I h a v e s t a y e d i n to u c h b y p h o n e w i t h m a ny o f t h e f e l l o w s I m e t i n t h e D.C . f e l l o w s h i p. O n e w i n te r m o r n i n g , I c a l l e d a D.C . f e l l o w w h o w a s p re p a r i n g f o r a p re d i c te d w i n ter s to r m. A m o n t h e a r l i er, a s to r m h a d c aus e d w i d e sp re a d p o wer o u t a g e s i n h er a re a . A n t i c i p at i n g the p ossibi l it y of a nother outa ge, the fel low w a s bus y getting some wei g hed a nd m e a s u re d m e a l s re a d y a n d p re p a r i n g a co o l er i n c a s e s h e l o s t p o wer. We t a l k e d a b o u t h o w g r ate f u l s h e w a s t h at re co v er y h a s h e l p e d h er p l a n a h e a d to p ro te c t h e r a b s t i n e n c e . I a s k e d h e r h o w m u c h s n o w w a s e x p e c te d . S h e r e p l i e d , “ S i x o u n ce s. ” Af ter I p o i n te d o u t t h e s l i p o f to n g u e , we b o t h h a d a g o o d l au g h!

R i s a K . , Te x a s , U S

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the di erence.