Oct/Nov 2011 On the Minds of Moms

on the minds of moms

www.onthemindsofmoms.com

PUBLISHER DS Communication, LLC

EDITOR Dani Parkos Fluge

COPY EDITOR Deb Uglem

ADVERTISING

Karan Burley Ambuehl p: 701.367.5647

e: karan@onthemindsofmoms.com

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e: sheri@onthemindsofmoms.com

PHOTOGRAPHY Ria Czichotzki – rialee photography

Sabrina Kliniske – rialee photography

Jaci Kulish–rialee photography

Andrea Burner–rialee photography

Scott Thuen – thuen design

DESIGN AND LAYOUT Scott Thuen – thuen design www.thuendesign.com

AD DESIGN Casie Beldo

Scott Thuen

Tara Kessler

Lindsay Arneson Corwin

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EDITORIAL CONTACT e: info@onthemindsofmoms.com

INFORMATION mail: PO Box 190, Fargo, ND 58107

SUBSCRIPTION www.onthemindsofmoms.com/subscribe

COVER PHOTO BY Ria Czichotzki–rialee photography www.rialeephotography.com

OTMOM MISSION STATEMENT

On The Minds Of Moms Magazine is dedicated to providing parents of all ages a bi-monthly resource they can trust. A fresh approach to traditional parenting publications, we are modern and inspiring while offering a community of local support and real-life advice for today’s family.

On The Minds Of Moms contains views from across the parenting spectrum. These views do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher. All activities listed in these pages are at your own risk and require appropriate supervision. Copyright

renae m. reinardy, Psy.D., LP fargo | nd

As president of the Lakeside Center for Behavioral Change in Fargo, ND and Co-Founder of OCD Twin Cities, Dr. Renae Reinardy specializes in the treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder, trichotillomania and related conditions. She has been interviewed on Good Morning America, the Joy Behar Show and has also had her treatment techniques featured on Dateline NBC and A&E’s Hoarders. Currently pregnant with their first child, Renae and husband Chad, reside in Fargo with their cat, Norman. Away from her profession you can find her reading, meditating and learning how to crochet.

deb uglem

Raised in Finely, ND Deb has called Moorhead, MN her home for the last 10 years. Deb has been a stay-at-home mom since returning to the Fargo-Moorhead area. She graduated from Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa with a degree in Journalism and Mass Communications. She is excited about her newfound time to write and finds it a welcome distraction to her daily activities. Most daily to-do’s center around her four children’s sport and school activities. Jake [17], Tony [16], Nick [16] and Emily [14] keep both her and husband Tim running in several directions. During her free time you can find her putting in some road miles, spending time with friends, or on the golf course.

mike gjesdahl

A UND Law School alum, Mike and his five-lawyer firm, Gjesdahl Law, located in Fargo, ND, are devoted entirely to divorce, custody, and other family issues. Mike and his wife, Sara, live in north Fargo and are proud that on occasion people tell them they are doing a good job raising their three kids, ages 13, 12 and 10—it’s the family’s 6-month-old Springer spaniel, Dan, who needs some work.

kelly smith grand forks | nd

As a professional children’s entertainer and owner of Piles of Smiles, Kelly has worked all over the world as a guest entertainer on some of the largest cruise ships imaginable. She has received training from the country’s top clowns, magicians and artist and currently shares her talents with adults and children of all ages right here in the Red River Valley. Kelly and her State Trooper husband, Greg, enjoy following and debating politics, entertaining friends in their home and raising their five daughters, ages 16, 12, 11, 10 and 1.

patricia carlson

dilworth | mn

Patricia Carlson is an award-winning journalist whose work spans magazines, television, radio, newspapers and the internet. She's produced, written, edited and directed programs for ESPN Radio, History Channel and Hallmark Channel. Patricia has worked as a television news reporter and currently is the Sunday morning news anchor at KFGO AM 790. She also is a regular contributor to several magazines based in the Midwest. When she's not writing, Patricia loves spending time with her baby girl and husband. You can view her work at www. patriciacarlsonfreelance.com

vicky westra

moorhead | mn

A stay-at-home mom to two active boys, Nolan [11] and Colton [9], and the wife of Rick, Vicky spent her childhood growing up in Moorhead, MN. She graduated from Concordia College with a BS in Psychology and earned her MS in School Psychology at MSUM. After following her husband to Idaho for 10 years where she worked in Adolescent Psychology, they moved back to Moorhead in 2003 to raise their boys. When not hauling boys to the hockey arena or the golf course, Vicky loves to read, take photos and write. She was recently diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer and is currently undergoing treatment at Roger Maris Cancer Center in Fargo. She chronicles all of her daily life adventures at http://thewestraworld.blogspot.com

1

in 4 school-aged kids have a vision problem

Don’t look away from frequent headaches, head tilting, eye rubbing or reading fluency Be vigilant with regular vision exams

$1,341 estimated first year cost of owning a small dog Before saying ‘yes’ to a pet, know the expense

sources: realparentsrealanswers.com | good housekeeping | parenting.com

in 5 high school seniors are currently a smoker Put the smack on the pack!

the number of minutes homework should take per grade

ACarrington, North Dakota girl and the oldest of three [she has a brother and sister], Rhonda McCrory, grew-up active in sports, loved her horses and the many pets she accumulated through the years After graduating high school, she attended NDSCS in Wahpeton, North Dakota and received a degree in dental hygiene, which she has been practicing for over 20 years Rhonda and husband Kevin keep busy with their four daughters, Makenzie [17] and Makayla [15] Reutter and twins Shai and Ashlyn [5] McCrory Rhonda likes to read, swim, hunt, hike, and bake A self-proclaimed “baking fanatic,” when working in the kitchen Rhonda is quick to say, “If you’re in the ‘work zone’, you’d better be doing something productive or move out of my way!”

photos: rialee photography | andrea burner

my parenting style…

flexibly-structured. With the girls in two completely different age groups, there’s no choice but to be flexible. in my fridge i always keep extra… butter. When the baking mood hits me it needs to be there. last parenting decision i regret…

mod momrhondamccrory age42,westfargond

I honestly can’t think of one. All my decisions aren’t always great and if I’m wrong, I admit it and we discuss it. From this, I’m noticing my girls are getting more comfortable admitting if they’ve done something wrong and even learning to have compassion for the one apologizing.

every mom/woman should have… her own toolbox—I have three!

I’m a big believer in… power naps. It’s amazing what twenty minutes will do for you. I feel beautiful when…

I’m in the middle of nature on a peaceful day. I love the outdoor lifestyle.

my splurge food of choice…

I try to buy fresh or organic whenever I can. I don’t agree with all the extra “stuff” in so much of the food out there today.

my first job was…

flagging for my grandpa in the fields when he was spraying the crops. I was around 9-years-old. my biggest claim to fame…

winning state dance competition back in high school. Since then my life has been pretty uneventful!

two things i am good at… baking and multi-tasking. a family tradition of ours… talking about starting a family tradition! a talent i wish i had…

to be more artistic. I know what I like when I see it, but putting it together, well that’s another story. best advice i could offer on shared child custody…

put aside your individual differences and put the kids first. Just because the marriage didn’t work, doesn’t mean you can’t be great co-parents. It’s a wonderful feeling when your kids are completely

at ease when both parents [and their families] are together. That’s the way it should be. something i do for myself… take a week-long vacation alone. I started doing this 3 years ago and it’s been the best decision I’ve done. It’s all about me time and what I want to do, eat, watch on TV, etc. I come back re-fueled and ready for reality.

the weirdest thing i’ve eaten… cocoa. I’m a total chocoholic and have been busted eating it straight from the can. But, I do remember losing a bet back in high school and swallowing a minnow!

I want my girls to someday experience… motherhood is the first thing to pop into my mind. I think it’s so amazing, but if God has other plans for them I hope they learn to experience true inner peace. If you have that, the good times are all that much better and the troubling times are more tolerable.

the quote i most relate to… dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die tomorrow.

that is the question or get back… pay in

story by | aimee schwartzwalter, cpa

With the end of the year right around the corner, it isn’t too early to start thinking about your income taxes. Every year can bring financial changes that affect the amount you owe or are returned from Uncle Sam. The following scenarios are based on common questions my clients have brought to me as the end of the year approaches. So, what should I do if…

…my income is lower than usual

Take advantage of the lower income tax bracket by converting some or all of your traditional IRA to a Roth IRA. The Roth IRA provides tax free income in retirement and can be passed along to your heir income

tax free. If you have been unable to contribute to a Roth IRA in the past due to income limits, this could be your opportunity as there is no income limit for conversions in 2011.

…my income is higher than expected

Rejoice! With the economy in the doldrums, higher than expected income is a reason to celebrate. You might want to pay your real estate taxes by December 31st to deduct a full year earlier and/or pay your fourth quarter state quarterly estimated payment by December 31st. Please note that these strategies will not work if you are subject to alternative minimum tax [AMT] as taxes are not deductible.

photo: thuen design | scott thuen

You can also consider increasing your contribution to your employer’s retirement plan. You have until April 15th to contribute to a traditional or Roth IRA so these can be handled at tax time; however, contributions to employer plans have to be made before year end.

With a little more money in your pocket it’s also a great opportunity to make a tax deductable donation to one of your favorite organizations. Offering financial support or donating household items while receiving a tax deduction is a win-win scenario.

…should I buy something to lower my taxes

Spending $2 to save $1 is not commonly considered a wise financial strategy. If you were planning to make the purchase regardless of the tax effect, however, accelerating the purchase to deduct in the current year would be acceptable. Purchases prior to December 31, 2011 may be eligible for 100% bonus depreciation.

…I didn’t make all of my estimated tax payments

Mail the payment as soon as you realize you missed it! The penalty is based on the number of days you are late. You may be able to avoid the penalty altogether if you qualify for one of the IRS exceptions. These exceptions include disability or retirement in the current year, casualty, disaster or other unusual circumstance. Refer to the instructions for Form 2210 or consult a tax professional for details.

We are lucky to live in a country with the freedom and opportunities of the United States. Taxes help build our schools, pave our roads, fund our police and fire

departments among a million other things, but let’s face it, we all like to hold on to our money. Having a handle of your financial situation throughout the year and working with an accountant you trust, can help you take advantage of available tax breaks…before Uncle Sam comes knocking!

Circular 230 Disclosure, United States Treasury regulations effective June 21, 2005 require me to notify you that to the extent of this communication, or any of its attachments, contains or constitutes advice regarding any U.S. Federal tax issue, such advice is not intended or written to be used, and cannot be used, by any person for the purpose of avoiding any penalties that can be imposed by the Internal Revenue Service.

Aimee Schwartzwalter, CPA is the principal of Accounting 4 Success. The firm, which was founded in 2002, provides complete tax services to a variety of business and individuals in the Fargo Metropolitan Area. During her career as a Certified Public Accountant, Aimee has built a reputation as an expert in tax and business consulting for self-employeds and small corporations.  Aimee lives in Hickson with her husband, Chad, and their two kids, Coralie [9] and Camron [5]. They enjoy camping and four-wheeling as a family.

Accounting 4 Success

825 28th Street S, Suite D, Fargo, ND 58103 701.365.0319 | Accounting4success@netzero.com www.accounting4success.com

Our 47 attorneys strive to make a difference in the office, courtroom, boardroom and in our community. With offices in Fargo, Moorhead, Bismarck, Minot, and Minneapolis, Vogel Law Firm offers sophisticated legal representation to businesses and individuals and also supports communities throughout the region. In 2011, Vogel Law Firm was ranked the #1 law firm in North Dakota based upon the fact that 17 of its attorneys were recognized as ‘Best Lawyers’ in their respective practices (see www.bestlawyers.com). Our attorneys focus on a variety of specialized practice areas, including:

• Family Law

• Wills and Estate Planning

• Elder Law

• Business Law

• Personal Injury and Wrongful Death

• Criminal Defense Law

• Employment Law

• Litigation

face painting

411

story by | kelly smith

Picture it. A mother is beaming with pride as she scoots her little Amy out of the bathroom, very proud of her latest mom accomplishment. Could it have something to do with potty training? Nope. It’s the Halloween season and she has just created a face painting masterpiece on her little kiddie kitten—or so she thinks.

“Allen, come see! Look how cute she is,” shouts super proud Mom.

“Daddy, guess what Mommy made me into?” chimes in little Amy.

Slightly scared and apprehensive Dad responds, “You are the cutest little, um…..ah….BUG?”

“No Daddy, I’m a kitten! Can’t you see my whiskers? My ears? Why is Mommy crying?”

Ok, so maybe Mom isn’t crying, but we have all seen [or experienced] failed attempts in putting on those final face painting details. With just a few painting tips you will be on your way to creating piles of smiles from your kids and others.

All you need is high quality, safe, fresh face paint, followed by some painting practice before the big event and lastly, some confidence. Most major craft

stores in the area now carry high end face paints at a reasonable price that will apply and remove with ease. No more markers and craft paint are necessary or recommended—there are too many reasons to list why they are an unsafe choice to use on human skin.

Creamy, water based paints made by brands like Snazaroo, Wolfe Brothers and Tulip are available here in the Red River Valley and have very little chance of an allergic reaction. If your child seems to have sensitive skin, be sure to not only test the paint in a small area prior to painting their face, but consider modifying the design to be simpler as it will be easier to remove later. Removal of face paint should never require more than a washcloth, mild soap and water. Do not reach for your make up remover as many children can have a reaction.

Remember, face painting can not only be an enjoyable experience, but a magical one when done correctly. Here are a couple designs every mom can accomplish:

step-by-step how to

[All materials used in photos were purchased at Michaels craft store]

1. Sponge on base white—keep sponge a little dry.

2. Sponge on one or two colors leaving mouth area open.

3. Add details with black and red paint.

1. Sponge base white around eyes.

2. Sponge red on face leaving mouth area open.  Add black line down the middle and black line around the eyes.

3. Apply additional black lines and then add webbing.

Looking for guidance or have questions? All emails are welcome at pilesofsmilesentertainment@yahoo.com or visit Pile of Smiles Entertainment on Facebook for face painting ideas.

Tiffany Johnson, D.C. Family Chiropractor

custody battle brewing?

what should you know

story by | mike gjesdahl

Custody battles are the legal system’s common cold. In today’s America, half of all children are born out of wedlock. About half of all married parents eventually divorce. Consequently, custody and visitation disputes are common grist in the legal mill.

But don’t confuse “common” with “easy.” There are few harder tasks than to resolve a dispute over how parents will divide their kids’ time, and under what conditions. Why? Well, there are many reasons, including:

• Parents deeply love their children and cherish time with them. Each parent wants as much of that precious time as possible.

• Separated parents are usually separated for a reason: they don’t get along and don’t agree, on anything, including parenting issues.

• No two cases are alike. One case involves infants and toddlers. The next involves headstrong teens. One case involves parents who live near one another. The next, parents who live three states apart. This case involves problem-free parents. That one involves domestic violence and mental health issues.

• And, through every custody battle, runs pure, raw, often fierce, sometimes uncontrolled emotion: Mom’s; Dad’s; and, never forget, the children’s.

While every custody case is different, virtually every litigating parent can benefit from some common sense advice. If you, or someone you know and love, are approaching a custody dispute, here are ten nuggets of information that should help:

nugget #1: safety first Are you afraid of the other parent? If so, you need to act. Do whatever you can to get yourself and your children out of that environment. If you are not ready or able to leave, at least have a safety plan in place. Many helping hands are reaching out to you. Friends and family members want to help. Counselors and psychologists want to help. An attorney can help.

Here are some websites that can help, too:

• North Dakota Council on Abused Women’s Services: www.ndcaws.org

• Rape and Abuse Crisis Center: www.raccfm.com

• YWCA Shelter: www.ywcacassclay.org

• How to Get a Restraining Order: www.womenslaw.org

nugget #2: self care is critical There is a reason the airline attendant tells you to secure your own oxygen mask before helping others: you simply can’t provide others your best help when your own condition is impaired. You are in the midst of a crisis. To navigate your way through, you need to think clearly. You need to think well. Unfortunately, this may be the time when you are the least able to do so. Emotional fog impairs decisional

good

judgment. Alcohol or other dependency crutches weaken reasoning.

Help yourself by taking care of yourself. Start with the basics. Eat right. Sleep well. Exercise. If your problems are bigger than you are, connect with a counselor or psychologist. Don’t worry that a judge will hold counseling and even prescribed medicating against you. Judges would rather you take care of impairing conditions than ignore them.

nugget #3: get thee a good lawyer—now! Hire [or at least visit] a good lawyer, sooner rather than later. Now is the time to make the best decisions you can, both for you and your children. You can’t make good decisions until you are as informed as possible.

Clients too often arrive at their first lawyer visit with holes in their feet. They’ve shot those holes themselves… by making, then executing, bad decisions. Perhaps the best way to avoid self-inflicted wounds is to obtain sound advice, as early as possible.

nugget #4: be nice You’ve read it in the Good Book. You’ve heard it from your mother. Your teachers told you. Be nice! This also happens to be the best legal advice ever.

Do you like mean, angry people? Judges don’t either. It’s simple: they do not reward nastiness.

So, remember anything you say and do can and will be used against you in a court of law. Would you like to provide the other parent with great evidence to use against you? Great! Then communicate through cursing and anger. Write poisonous emails and texts. Turn your children against him or her. When you do these things, you will hurt your own cause and help the other’s.

Or you can reject those nasty impulses and “be nice.” Be the party who wears the white hat. Let the judge see the difference between you and the other parent.

be nice it’s the best legal advice ever!

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• Rules.

• Someone to talk to.

nugget #6: courts are gender neutral Everyone knows it. Women always win custody battles. Right?

Wrong!

When custody is at stake, moms arrive at the lawyer’s office over-confident. Dads arrive knowing the cause is lost. Both are mistaken.

Judges apply the law in a gender neutral way. Their job is to identify a parenting schedule [and conditions] that serve the children’s best interests. Not mom’s wishes. Not dad’s desires.

It may well be true that, statistically speaking, moms “win” custody more than dads. It is a mistake, though,

to attribute this fact to a mom-favoring judicial bias. The reason is societal, not judicial. We continue to live in a world where day-to-day, ground level parenting is done by women more often than men.

You disagree? Well, how many stay-at-home moms do you know? How many stay-at-home dads?

When a family has lived a life where mom takes the parenting lead, a judge will usually continue that arrangement, though shaped differently, when custody is disputed.

nugget #7: be discrete Indiscretion can fatally damage a custody case.

If you are involved in a new relationship, keep it to yourself. The other parent rarely reacts well to news of a new significant other. Instead, it’s usually game on!

Likewise, now is not the time to introduce your children to your new flame. When kids are still reeling from, and processing, their parents’ divorce or separation, it is unfair to heap another game-changer on them. Doing so is often viewed as evidence of errant priorities.

Facebook is the new evidentiary treasure trove. The other parent and those aligned with him or her are sure to harvest helpful [i.e., harmful to you] information from your Facebook site and deliver it to the opposing lawyer. You won’t win or advance your case through your postings. But you might harm, if not lose, it.

nugget #8: keep a journal Write information down. Most of us have poor memories. Critical details are quickly lost. Courtroom disputes often involve “he said, she said” problems. Courts routinely solve those problems by favoring the version supported by the best and strongest memory.

If one parent testifies with a general “she always” or “she never,” while the other parent testifies more specifically, with dates, times, and quoted statements, the second parent’s version will usually prevail.

nugget #9: courts listen to kids Like it or not, kids are often important witnesses in custody battles. Many divorces involve events that occur in the home, behind closed doors. Family members, kids included, may be the best, if not the only, witnesses to domestic violence, intimidation, threats, and drug and alcohol use.

Likewise, when custody is disputed, Courts are required to consider the living preferences of mature children. When a child is less than 10-years-old, their living preferences are rarely considered. Between 10 and 12-years-old, a child’s custody preference will sometimes be considered. Teenagers’ living preferences are almost always considered.

Although children’s testimony is often important, judges, lawyers, and parents usually try to insulate them from direct interaction with the court. Thus, courts will often obtain a child’s information through an intermediary, like a custody investigator [the court’s custody expert] or a Guardian Ad Litem [a lawyer appointed to advocate for the children]. Sometimes children provide affidavits [written testimony] with the help of the lawyer for one of the parents.

It is only on the rarest occasion that a child will actually attend a court hearing, give sworn testimony, and experience cross-examination. On those occasions, the judge and lawyers will de-escalate the formality and intensity of the event, in deference to the child’s discomfort.

nugget #10: you’ll be fine Lastly, it is important to know that, in the end, most of your earlier fears and worries will have been for naught. The system almost always works.

More than 95% of all cases, of every kind, end by agreement, not by trial. No one knows better than family law judges and lawyers how destructive a custody trial can be. Consequently, the judicial system does all it can to direct parents to conciliatory modes of conflict resolution [most usually, to mediation]. In other words, in the end, with the help of your lawyers, you and the other parent will probably create your own solution.

When a custody case does go to trial, the outcome is usually the right one. It is true that judges are intelligent people. More importantly, though, they are wise. Drawing on that wisdom, they don’t view custody cases as chances to identify “winners” or “losers,” but as opportunities for “solving” and “healing.”

In the end, know this. Whether your case ends by trial or by agreement, you and your family are going to be fine. Really.

october events

9 & 23

Unraveled Crafters

701.476.5977

www.fargolibrary.org

All interested crafters are invited to be part of this informal, enthusiastic crafters group for novice & experts alike at the Carlson Branch's Community Room, 1–3pm. If you are new to knitting or crocheting, we can teach you! All interested crafters are welcome to this FREE event.

13, 20 & 27 Baby Bounce

218.233.7594

www.larl.org

Designed for the youngest library users [up to 2-years-old] and their parents or caregivers, this program offers participants the opportunity to share time together at the Moorhead Library. This is a great way to introduce young children to the library, to begin a lifetime of regular library visits & to help children develop into lifelong library users. Come sing, clap, bounce & listen to nursery rhymes & stories starting at 10am!

15 Step Out: Walk to Stop Diabetes

888.342.2383

www.diabetes.org/otmom

Grab your walking shoes & get ready to join us for a fun-filled morning of exercise, food & festivities at the Scheels Arena!

Registration/check-in begins at 7:30am & you'll want to arrive early to enjoy a delicious breakfast plus other fun activities including inflatable games, face painting, free massages, Zumba® demonstrations, team photos & more. Plus, new this year, a silent auction featuring exciting products from PartyLite, Silpada, Pampered Chef & much more! Following the morning festivities, enjoy a lively walk outside or in [your choice]. Inside, walk as far as you’d like, whether it’s one lap or ten. Allow approximately 30 minutes to walk before being rallied in for the final celebration ceremony. Join the movement to Stop Diabetes. For more information or to register, visit www.diabetes.org/otmom or call 888.DIABETES [888.342.2383].

16,

17, 23, 24, 30 & 31

Galaxies

218.477.2920

www.mnstate.edu/regsci/ planetarium/astronomy.cfm

Explore the Milky Way and other galaxies at the MSUM Planetarium Sundays at 2pm or Mondays at 7pm. Taking a nature walk on a grand galactic scale!

17

Monster Maker

218.233.7594

www.larl.org

Make a marvelous monster at the Moorhead Library.Be there at 6:30pm and punch out, fold & glue together the pieces to create your own 3D monster.

20

Connects—The Empowered Woman

701.361.3873

www.jeremiahprogram.org

See the world through the eyes of the Empowered Woman brought to you by the Jeremiah Program. Social starts at 5:30pm with a program following at 6pm at the Holiday Inn, Fargo. Hear from Featuring Keynote Speaker Barbara Hanson and special guest Michelle Turnberg. Space is

limited, please RSVP to Andrea Hochhalter, AHochhalter@jeremiahprogram.org or 701.361.3873.

21

RACC Harvest Moon Fling

701.293.7273

www.raccfm.com

Support the Rape And Abuse Crisis Center with a night of fun at the Courtyard by Marriot in Moorhead from 7–11pm. Wine Tasting, silent auction, hors d'oeuvres and live entertainment will fill the night. Call or go online for ticket information.

22

Moonlight Monster Mash

701.499.7788

www.fargoparks.com

Vampires, ghosts & skeletons welcome at Fargo Youth Commission [2500 18th St S, Fargo] 6:30–9pm. All participants are encouraged to wear a costume & dance the night away. Explore the haunted attic, play ghoulish games & trick-or-treat for some spooky snacks. Enjoy a live DJ all night long & a spooktacular entertainment show at 7:30pm. Parental supervision required.

22

CPR for Family Friends

701.234.5570

www.sanfordhealth.org

Learn the ABCs of CPR, how to manage airway obstruction 9–11am & receive an American Heart Association participation card.

22

Cut-a-Thon for Breast Cancer

701.356.1023

www.sourcesalonandbeauty.com

Head to The Source for $10 haircuts & discounts on select products from 11am–2pm. All proceeds are donated to breast cancer research.

28 & 29

Legends of Terror Haunted House

701.775.2216

www.grandforkshistory.com

Spirits from our community’s past will descend upon the normally quiet grounds of the Myra Museum in Grand Forks to fill your Halloween with fright & fun! 8pm–Midnight for those 16 years & older.

29

Step Out: Walk to Stop Diabetes

www.diabetes.org/stepoutgrandforks

888.342.2383

Grab your walking shoes & get ready to join us for a fun-filled morning of exercise, food & festivities at the Alerus Center!

Registration/check-in begins at 7:30am & you'll want to arrive early to enjoy a delicious breakfast plus other fun activities including inflatable games, face painting, free massages, Zumba® demonstrations, team photos & more. Following the morning festivities, enjoy a lively walk outside or in [your choice]. Allow approximately 30 minutes to walk before being rallied in for the final celebration ceremony.

29 & 30

Not Too Scary Haunted House

701.232.6102

www.childrensmuseum-yunker.org

Head to Yunker Farm for some kiddo friendly haunting. Open 10am–5pm Saturday & 1–5pm Sunday.

29

Night Eyes Halloween Event

701.277.9240

www.redriverzoo.org

Come in costume & enjoy trick-or-treating throughout the Zoo along with other spooky activities from 4–7pm.

30

Spooktacular Halloween party

701.433.5360

www.wfparks.org

Head to Veterans Memorial Arena 2:30–5pm for some free Halloween fun! Kidkos of all ages can play games, walk through the haunted house & enjoy prizes, candy & refreshments.

30

Half Pint Haunt

701.775.2216

www.grandforkshistory.com

Take your little ghouls to the Myra Museum in Grand Forks for a not-too-scary stories & way-too-sweet treats, 2–5pm.

31

Trick-or-Treat at the Mall

www.westacres.com

Bring your little ghosts & goblins to the West Acres 5–8pm for some fun, indoor Halloween Trick-or-Treating.

31

Community Halloween Carnival

701.237.4805

www.fargoparks.com

This free community carnival at Courts

Plus will be a mix of games an inflatables 3:30–5:30pm. The kiddos receive a free Halloween goodie bag too!

november events

1

5 & 6

10

11-13,

18-20 & 26-27

Unplug the Holiday Machine

701.241.5700

www.ag.ndsu.edu/ casscountyextension/ home-and-family

Based on the popular book, "Unplug the Christmas Machine," this workshop at the West Fargo Public Library, 6:30-8:30pm, will help you reduce stress & increase enjoyment by making simple changes in your celebration by examining your current practices, defining your values, creating your “ideal” holiday, then combine all your insights into a workable plan for the coming season. This is a free event. Register by calling or email diane.langer@ndsu.edu.

5

Green Living Health Expo

www.greenlivinghealthexpo.com

Head to the Fargo Civic Center for an exciting weekend filled with intersting exhibits, new products & information on modern green living & ways to wellness. Doors open 10am-5pm, $5 for adults, 18 & under FREE. Bring a non-perishable food donation for $1 off your admission.

5 & 6

Pride of Dakota

Holiday Showcase

www.prideofdakota.nd.gov

Find something for everyone on your list at the Alerus Center in Grand Forks. Tons of amazing products made in North Dakota!

Kid Quest—Tower Time

701.232.3821

www.plainsart.org

Stick, stab & stack wood and clay to create a tower of your own design at the Plains Art Museum from 10am-Noon. This is a FREE event!

Car Seat 101 for Expectant

Parents

701.234.5570

www.sanfordhealth.org

Are your car seats installed correctly? Don't take the chance! This class is designed for expectant parents and focuses on infant car seats for newborns. Make an appointment be at the Sanford Auditorium [801 Broadway North, Fargo] between 6:30-8:00pm. Space is limited. Pre-registration is necessary.

10

Take Back Your Kids!

TakeBackYourKids@gmail.com

In a society so quick to label our children with the next diagnosis of the month [ADD, ADHD, OCD...], we are creating a culture of "I can't." Our kids are not defined by their diagnosis....if we don't allow them to be! This ground breaking event co-hosted by Tanya Fraizer, of Heart to Heart Consulting, and Dr.Jake Grinaker will be a night to set your family free. Head to the Green Mill Emerald room at 6:30pm for a night away to recharge. Appetizers and beverages will be provided. This is a free event, but space is limited, so please RSVP at TakeBackYourKids@gmail.com

Children of Eden

218.284.2345

www.moorheadtheater.com

www.moorhead.k12.mn.us

Don’t miss Moorhead High School’s award winning theatre department presentation of “Children of Eden.” This intensely moving musical is for all ages that is full of hope and wonder. It was composed by Stephen Schwartz, whose other credits include “Wicked” and “Godspell,” among many others. Schwartz claims “Children of Eden” as his favorite musical creation. The show is loosely based on the Book of Genesis and focuses on the difficulties of parenthood, the need to choose one’s destiny, and the creative life force that burns in all of us. The show starts at 7pm Friday & Saturday, 3pm on Sunday.

12

Zoolute to Soldiers

701.277.9240

www.redriverzoo.org

Free Admission to the Zoo for veterans Noon-4pm.

12

Women's Health Fair

701.356.6700

www.fetzerfamilyfamilychiropractic.com

Head to the Hilton Garden Inn, 10am-4pm, for the 4th annual Women's Health Fair, hosted by Fetzer Family Chiropractic. Your $3 admission will be donated to the Lee National Denim Day and the fight against breast cancer. Visit with vendors featuring massage, reflexology, chiropractic, acupuncture, physical therapy, designer eyewear, personal training, cosmetic skin care, home organization, shopping & much more! Spend the day learning & finding a balance between physical, mental & social health.

12 & 13

Holiday Homes of Hope

800.767.3593

www.cfanorthdakota.com

Support the Cystic Fibrosis Association of ND and checkout 3 beautiful area homes filled with holiday cheer courtesy of Designing Woman 2 at the Holiday Homes of Hope fundraiser. Saturday 10am-5pm and Sunday 1-5pm.

15

Breakfast with Santa Tickets on Sale

701.499.7788

www.fargoparks.com

Tickets on sale at 8am at RDJ Rec Center [1104 2nd Ave S, Fargo] for a morning of breakfast, crafts and entertainment with Santa and Mrs. Clause on December 3rd, 10th or 17th!

18 & 19

Pride of Dakota Holiday Showcase

www.prideofdakota.nd.gov

Find something for everyone on your list at the Fargo Civic Center. Tons of amazing products made in North Dakota!

19

B.L.A.S.T Babysitter's Day Camp

701.364.1704

www.fmambulance.com

The initial course for teens and pre-teens on the responsibilities of caring for children. They will learn CPR and first aid for children, as well as diaper changing techniques, also learn about when to call 911 and what will happen if they do need emergency assistance. The course is designed for young babysitters ages 11–15. Limited space. Register online.

22

Xcel Energy Holiday Lights Parade

Kick off the holiday's with the annual Holiday Lights Parade. Starts at 6:30pm in downtown Moorhead and ends in downtown Fargo.

26

Santa Village Opens

701.241.8160

www.fargoparks.com

Santa & Mrs. Claus open the village at Rheault Farm with elves, live reindeer & sleigh rides!

december events

1-22

Star of Bethlehem

218.477.2920

www.mnstate.edu/regsci/ planetarium/astronomy.cfm

Go in search of that famous star that led the Magi to visit Bethlehem to look for the Christ child shortly after his birth. Science, religion, history, beautiful images and traditional holiday music are used to explore the mystery that continues to puzzle astronomers and theologians. Be at the MSUM Planetarium Thursday, Saturday, Sunday & Monday at 7pm or Sunday at 2pm.

2, 3 & 4

Concordia Christmas Concert

888-477-0277

www.cord.edu

The 85th annual Concordia Christmas Concert "Today, Heaven Sings" will be performed Friday at 8pm, Saturday at 3pm & 8pm and Sunday at 3pm, in Memorial Auditorium.

3

Jingle Bell Run/Walk for Arthritis

701.388.1988

www.jbrfargo2011.kintera.org

Be There With Bells On! Get in the spirit this holiday season at the Arthritis Foundation's Jingle Bell Run/Walk for Arthritis at Courts Plus Fitness Center [3491 S University

Dr, Fargo]. Be one of the thousands of runners and walkers who hit the nation's pavement, pathways and parks to fight one

All event listings displayed within OTMOM are carefully selected to provide diverse options for families. It is always a good idea to call ahead to confirm the information provided. Although it is not possible to list every event happening in the FM area it is encouraged organizations submit events for consideration to info@onthemindsofmoms.com

the country's leading causes of disability.

Jingle Bell Run/Walk 5k is a fun festive way to kick off your holidays by helping others! Wear a holiday-themed costume. Tie jingle bells to your shoelaces. Run or walk with your team members and celebrate the season. Registration begins at 8am with the 5k Run & Walk starting at 9am. For more info and to register, please call 701.388.1988.

3, 4, 7-11, 14-18, 21-23

Santa Village

701.241.8160

www.fargoparks.com

Santa & Mrs. Claus open the village at Rheault Farm with elves, live reindeer & sleigh rides! Enjoy the winter wonderland from the Saturday after Thanksgiving until the day before Christmas Eve.

3, 10 & 17

Breakfast with Santa 701.499.7788

www.fargoparks.com

Spend a morning of breakfast, crafts and entertainment with Santa and Mrs. Clause 8-10am. Tickets on sale November 15th!

3

Kid Quest - Painting Party

701.232.3821

www.plainsart.org

Head to the Plains Art Museum 10am-Noon for an explosion of color & creativity as you express yourself using paper & paint. This is a FREE event!

3 & 10

Santa Fly-In

701.293.8043

www.fargoairmuseum.org

Head to the Fargo Air Museum and see Santa fly-in to meet all the good boys & girls!

3

17

Christmas on the Prairie

701.282.2822

www.bonanzaville.com

Head to Bonanzaville 3-7pm to shares the pioneer Christmas traditions of music, crafts & good cheer. FREE event!

7 Bowls for Babies

701.235.5530

www.marchofdimes. com/northdakota

March of Dimes Annual Fundraiser for the babies. Your $15 ticket allows you to come select a uniquely artistic bowl, sample soup from several locally owned restaurants & then keep the bowl as a souvenir! Ramada Plaza Suites from 11:00am-1:30pm.

8

Holly Jolly Zoo Days

701.277.9240

www.redriverzoo.org

Enjoy a variety of holiday activities & visit with Santa & Mrs. Claus at the Zoo Noon-4pm.

18

Skate with Santa

701.433.5360

www.wfparks.org

Skate to Christmas music while visiting with Santa from 7:00pm-8:30pm at Veterans Memorial Arena. Hot chocolate & refreshments will be served. A canned food item for the Fargo-Moorhead Food Pantry will be your ticket to get in.

CPR for Family Friends

701.234.5570

www.sanfordhealth.org

Learn the ABCs of CPR, how to manage airway obstruction 6-9pm & receive an American Heart Association participation card.

22 Car Seat 101 for Expectant

Parents

701.234.5570

www.sanfordhealth.org

Are your car seats installed correctly? Don't take the chance! This class is designed for expectant parents and focuses on infant car seats for newborns. Make an appointment be at the Sanford Auditorium [801 Broadway North, Fargo] between 6:30-8:00pm. Space is limited. Pre-registration is necessary.

27-29

Sleigh Rides

218.299.5340

www.cityofmoorhead.com/parks

Enjoy a scenic ride along the Red River through Viking Ship Park in a horse drawn sleigh from 1-4pm. Tickets are sold on a first come, first served basis. Rides are $4 per person.

an app

against abuse

photo: thuen design | scott thuen

story by | sheri kleinsasser stockmoe

Our kids are growing up in a very different time due to technology; always available and able to connect. From cell phones, to the internet to social networking sites, accessibility is literally 24-7. That accessibility can be wonderful when your teen gets a flat tire on the way home, but can be terribly troublesome when it is used as a form of control, manipulation or intimidation.

Liz Claiborne’s Love Is Not Abuse program released a new app [compatible with the iPad, iPhone and iPod touch] this past August. Its goal is to educate parents about the realities of digital abusive behavior in teen relationships.

This FREE app, provides resources and tips to help you talk to your teen about dating abuse. Even your teen can be a victim, bystander and/or abuser. Did you know:

• One in three teens report sexual abuse, physical abuse or threats of physical abuse.

• Nearly one in two teens in relationships report being controlled, threatened and pressured to do things they did not want to do.

• Nearly one in four teens have been victimized by abusers through technology.

iPhone users can actually experience a real life demo of digital dating abuse. You can receive text messages, emails and phone calls from a virtual boyfriend or girlfriend. The messages range from threaten to delete friends on social networks to pressuring you to send provocative pictures. Videos teach you about boyfriends and girlfriends invading the privacy of their partners by reading call and text message logs and using passwords to access social network accounts and pose as their partners, write cruel things, communicate with their friends and delete friends and photos.

The Love Is Not Abuse app reminds us that abuse doesn’t always leave cuts and bruises. Insults, put downs, threats and possessive, controlling behaviors are abuse. Equip yourself to talk to your teen, educate them about healthy relationships and step in when you suspect abuse. Go to iTunes now, search LINA and download this valuable app!

For Sara Watson [37], chef and owner of Mosaic Foods Catering, growing up on the family farm near Glyndon, Minnesota meant learning the love of food and the production process at an early age Following her high school graduation, Sara attended the University of Minnesota Twin Cities where she earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Art History She loved her “Art” career, but also worked in restaurants to make ends meet and quickly realized restaurant life was where she needed to be full-time Sara made the move west to study Culinary Arts at the Colorado Mountain Culinary Institute in Summit County, Colorado It turned out to be a great life decision in many ways Not only was she reacquainted with her roots and found her true passion, but she also met husband and fellow chef, Eric Today the couple and their four kids, Miles [12], Olivia [8], Keena [5] and Sophie [2], make their home in Moorhead, Minnesota where the simplicity and appreciation of gardening and growing is still present Sara dreams of owning a farm one day, but for now the entire family gets involved in their cottage style garden where they grow vegetables, herbs, flowers, grapevines and an assortment of berries, asparagus and more Like the saying goes, a girl may leave the farm, but the farm never leaves the girl

photos: rialee photography | ria czichotzki

how long have you been in business?

Eric and I started Mosaic Foods Catering in 2004 after returning to the Midwest from Colorado.

where did the name Mosaic come from?

We chose the name Mosaic as a Mosaic is the art of creating images or items with many other small objects. Mosaic Foods does not create only one type of cuisine, we are a mixture of many cuisines and food styles that suits all palates.

how many employees do you have?

mompreneursara watsonmosaicfoodscatering

We have about 35 people working with us from full time to part time banquet staff. We feel so blessed to have such a wonderful team to assist us in making this a great food company and to have fun working together as well.

what should we know about Mosaic Foods Catering?

It now operates out of Mezzaluna at 309 Roberts Street in Downtown Fargo. We cater breakfast, lunch, dinner, hors d'ouevre parties and more. We have a full liquor license

Designer Eyewear & Sunglasses

to assist with bar events as well. We can cater out to many locations that do not have an exclusive caterer and we also have our own event room, which is Mezzaluna. It seats about 100 people and we are currently booking Holiday Parties.

what part of owning your own business do you least enjoy?

The ‘business work’—paper work, invoicing, bills etc. My passion is in the kitchen and working with people.

top 3 business mistakes you’ve made and have learned from?

1. Overbooking. There is nothing worse than being stressed or late for an event. We take great care to make sure every event is done well and on time.

2. Employees. Not every person has the same skills. There are times we have expected too much out of certain staff members, only to find their talents may not be exactly what we thought. We do try to move folks around in the company to find their nitch and their ability to showcase their strengths.

3. Hanging on to concepts to long. We are a growing company, we often need to slow down and evaluate each aspect of the business. How much time and money we are spending on projects that may take more energy than needed.

of all the foods you prepare, do you have a favorite?

My favorite is more of a global cuisine. I absolutely love Asian and Mexican cuisine. I love to prepare and consume it.

how do you and your husband separate your marriage and co-worker relationship?

Eric and I are very lucky to be married to each other. We both have a passion for the Culinary Arts and when not at work, we are often talking about things such as new food trends or researching other restaurants. We often don’t see each other much during the day at work. We both head up different areas of the business and are rarely in the kitchen at the same time.

what is a typical day like for you?

I generally try to be the first person in the house awake. It is amazing how much I can accomplish in the wee hours of the morning by myself. Once the

Jimmy Choo, TOD’S, TAG Heuer, Juicy Couture, Oliver Peoples, SALT, Lafont, ProDesign Denmark & more!

We’re ready to help.

You’ve decided. You’ve planned. You’re excited to hear a little voice say mama or dada. You’ve tried to get pregnant, but it’s just not as easy as you thought.

As the only comprehensive reproductive medicine program in North Dakota, Steffen Christensen, MD, Stephanie Dahl, MD and Erin Lee, NP are here to help you conceive.

When you’re ready for baby, we’re ready for you.

kids wake up we go into routine mode...get them out the door and off to school. Then comes the office work. Catch up on paper work, daily orders going out...the day can completely change from there. Days consist of meeting with catering clients, setting up for events, delivering food, picking up food, scheduling staff for events, preparing food, tasting food, tasting wine, etc. Every day is a little different which makes the job so much fun. I try to be home as much as possible for the kids after school. We have an excellent team of folks working with us and can juggle schedules pretty well.

what mom sacrifices have you made for the sake of your profession?

I'd like to be the Mom with fresh baked cookies every day when the kids get off the bus. Truth is, they rarely get fresh baked cookies from home... sometimes treats come home with me from the catering kitchen though. I try to not think about the sacrifices, but rather hope that they are learning a great work ethic and also the importance of having and scheduling family time. We rarely miss concerts, programs, games etc. We try to work our schedules around their schedules too. I feel like a crazy person during the day, but try to relax and be there for them at night. When we are needed at events or at the restaurant, we feel very lucky to have family, friends and wonderful caregivers helping us out.

away from the kitchen what might we find you doing?

Gardening or maybe out for a bicycle ride with the kiddos. We enjoy the outdoors, whether it is going to the family lake place, venturing to state parks, or hiking around town.

what is your family’s favorite meal?

Sanford Reproductive Medicine

(701) 234-2700

womens.sanfordhealth.org

My family LOVES almost any meal we can all sit down and eat together. We have family dinner as often as possible, but as with most busy families it seems to be at the most 3 or 4 times a week. Pasta is a family favorite—a nice salad, Spaghetti Carbonara, and a good, crusty bread with real butter. Our entire family is adventurous eaters, which makes meal time easy.

when it comes to feeding your own family, are you organized and do a meal plan weekly?

I do not plan weekly meals. I just try to have ingredi-

When you’re ready for baby,

Steffen Christensen, MD Stephanie Dahl, MD Erin Lee, NP

ents on hand so we can quickly whip something up. Chicken, potatoes, rice, a wide variety of vegetables and fruits is a must in our house.

what is the best meal planning tip can you share?

Keep the staple foods on hand—with access to 100's of recipes online it's pretty easy to come up with a quick meal. I sometimes just Google the ingredients we have to work with and TaDa...that is our meal. For example: Google: “Chicken, peanuts, squash”—you may get ‘Groundnut Stew’—lucky for us it’s another family favorite.

309 Roberts Street Fargo, ND 58102

701.373.7805

www.mosaicfoods.net

Mosaic Foods Catering

white bean chicken chili

The leaves are falling, temperatures are cooling and there’s no better way to mark the arrival of autumn than with a big pot of soul-warming chili! Fast, easy and so yummy. Perfect recipe in our book!

photo: thuen design | scott thuen

prep: 4 minutes

cook: 22 minutes

yields: 6 servings [serving size = 1 ½ cups]

you need:

1 teaspoon olive oil

1 cup chopped onion

2 teaspoons bottled minced garlic

2 [15.5 oz] cans cannellini beans, un-drained

3 cups chopped cooked chicken

1 [14.5 oz] can fat-free, less-sodium chicken broth

1 ½ teaspoons salt-free Mexican seasoning

¼ teaspoons salt

1 cup [4 oz] shredded Monterey Jack cheese with jalapeno peppers

how to:

1. Heat oil in a large kettle over medium-high heat.

2. Add onion and garlic; sauté 2 minutes

3. Mash one can of beans in a small bowl with a fork.

4. Add mashed beans, remaining can beans, and next 4 ingredients in kettle; bring to a boil.

5. Reduce heat and simmer 15 minutes.

6. Add cheese and simmer 5 minutes stirring constantly.

7. Consider topping chili with additional Monterey Jack cheese, low-fat sour cream or plain fat-free yogurt, chopped onions, chopped fresh cilantro, salsa or crumbled low-fat tortilla chips.

the details:

Calories 284, Fat 8.3g, Protein 28.3g, Carb 23.5g, Fiber 6.1g, Sodium 920mg

source: cooking light super fast suppers

tiny sprout portraits

countryside photography

skyloft photography

skyloft photography

countryside photography

studio 60 photographic art

tiny sprout portraits

bugshutter

rialee photography

studio 60 photographic art

A1995 graduate of Fargo South High School and Sara’s older brother, Luke Gardner earned a degree in University Studies in just 3 years from North Dakota State University While in college he enlisted in the military as a guardsman with the North Dakota Air National Guard and today he is a full-time officer Luke and Jaime, wife of 9 years, along with their son, Gabe [6] love to share family time at the lake If he’s not at work or the lake, you might find Luke riding his Harley, watching Gabe race snowmobiles and dirt bike or coaching his hockey team

photos: rialee photography | sabrina kliniske

the habit i hope my son doesn’t inherit from me… low frustration tolerance.

I could spend hours… with my family on the lake. something i admire but would never do… Freestyle Motocross. every dad/man should have… a kid like mine.

three things on my bucket list… watch the Bison football team win in Frisco, see a football game at Notre Dame, and participate in a car drivers racing course camp.

when i became a dad i never expected… it to be so much fun and never realized how strong of a bond I would have with my son. if i could have one ‘do-over’ in life it would be…

getting on my dirt bike June 19, 2008. I was at Buffalo River Race Park in Glyndon, when my throttle stuck open on a jump. I tried to kill it twice, but no luck, so I bailed. I landed on my butt, sliding feet first about 25 feet. Unable to move, I was life flighted to Hennepin County Medical Center where they determined I broke my back [rupturing T12]. It was a very scary and humbling time in my life.

a great date night/weekend with my wife would be…

a Friday night on the boat just hanging out. if i could spend a day with any person [dead or alive] it would be… coach Bob Knight. He took a bunch of Midwest kids with average abilities and got them to buy into his system of teamwork with personal accountability and won national championships over schools that had kids with greater physical abilities and talents— that ideology is sometimes lost with my generation. We focus on ensuring our kids are the best, the

fastest, or need the top brand equipment and forget to mentor kids to work for the good of the team as well as hold them accountable for their actions.

my son is most like…

me. He is cautious to start, but goes wide open once he knows his limits. the store that knows me by name… Scheels Hardware.

my iPod [or iPhone, iPad] is currently playing… Rock n Roll Jesus, Kid Rock.

the section of the paper i always read first… sports. I’m kinda a sports fanatic. the parenting rule i always seem to break… bedtime.

if my wife could throw away anything of mine it would be… old blue jeans.

my snack food of choice…

anything our tailgating crew has on the grill. the vehicle that best describes me… my first truck a 1967 Dodge D100. It was unique [different and old], funny [teal in color], and loyal [I'd bail you out of jail, but I'd be sitting next to you saying "damn that was fun!"].

what’s on your mind?

livemoments your

story by | vicky westra

I'm whispering in their ears a lot lately, repeating the same messages. “When you need me and I am not there, you know you can always find me in your heart.” “I love you to the moon and back forever," etc. I have such an urgency for them to know my heart.

My youngest son is nine. Our relationship has grown especially tender. He still holds my hand when we walk to the park. He brings his blanket and curls up beside me to watch “cooking shows,” watching and pretending not to notice when I doze off. He has changed a lot these past few months, in all the ways 9-year-olds do, and in ways no mother wants for her child.

My 11-year-old is changing too. He is taller and faster. He consumes enormous quantities of food and is still starving 5 minutes later. But he has turned down three birthday parties and two sleepovers with his friends. Instead he sneaks upstairs to our room and sleeps on the floor next to my bed, just to be near me. He is stronger on the outside, but it belies how soft he is on the inside. My heart swells and aches for him.

The lump in my breast appeared last December. I knew the feel, the slightly jello like wiggle encased in what

I assumed to be cysts again. I kept a careful watch on them. I cut back on caffeine. I got enough sleep. And yet they grew. In March it was time to see the doctor.

I recall at that time, I feel no panic, no worry. I've been here before. The exam, the mammogram and then the ultrasound. But urgency rears its ugly head. I am sent immediately for the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech, briefly examines me, lowers her eyes, walks out to speak with the doctor. She is somber, quiet when she comes back into the room. She flips on the ultrasound image. Its then that I see the blood-red, angry splashes leaping from the screen. “We think it has many characteristics of cancer... no, we know,” she says, “its cancer. I'm sorry to tell you, you have breast cancer. The doctor agreed I could tell you. I think you should be prepared. A lot is going to happen very quickly now. Surgery as soon as next week. Chemo and radiation too.” I find myself crying. Just like that? A few seconds and you can tell? I haven't even had a mammogram yet, or a biopsy. I learn that day, you can see cancer on an ultrasound if it’s big enough. Clearly, my tumor is big enough.

The tech brings me kleenex and my phone. How am I going to do this? I am filled with regret, worry, concern. My husband, my kids, my mom. What will this do to

them? She, the tech, is compassion and concern. And it dawns on me, she is brave. She made a decision to be the one to tell me, and not wait for the doctor. I marvel at how she did that. And she hasn't left my side. In all my blubbery, salty-teared sobs, she stands witness, as my heart breaks. Yet a seed plants in my head. She is also courage. And she is showing me how to do this.

Later, it occurs to me, I chose the word “alive,” this year. Each year I choose a word as a theme and watch how it manifests in my life. I went with the word "alive" after my Dad died. I simply wanted to feel "alive" in everything that I do. “Fighting to be" alive was not how I hoped to experience the word. Life is funny like that. And oddly, 6 months past my diagnosis, breast cancer has kicked open the door to feeling my aliveness in ways I couldn't have anticipated.

After much reflection, I realize I have both an urgency to live, while at that same time, wanting to slow down enough to savor every moment of each day. And the key to really doing that? Expanding your time, instead of worrying about extending your time.

I feel more and notice more in the tiny moments of my day. The sweet smell of sunshine and sweat mixed in my son's hair after playing outside in the sun. How golden the sunshine is in August. How water lapping at my feet soothes my aching soul. How joy tickles and spills over when you delight in the small. And how gratitude in everything, even cancer, leads to wanting for nothing.

I have discovered grace can be found even in the most painful and seemingly hopeless times. Like the time my youngest got up in front of his entire second grade class at sharing time and boldly told them his mom had cancer. And that she was going to get better. The seeds of grace sewn by my second grader.

That was just the beginning of a tidal wave of grace and blessings I would receive, and cancer has made me take notice. I've learned to live my moments, feel my aliveness. Put my “grace glasses” on and live my best day today. To expand. Count my gifts. I am finding you can see them in the tiniest moments. If you are open to seeing them, they are all around us.

This section is dedicated to capturing your parent thoughts. Want to share what’s on your mind? Submit your article idea to info@onthemindsofmoms.com along with a short bio for consideration in an upcoming issue.

DID YOU KNOW?

Because of United Way donors, over 8,000 local children in our community receive a free book in the mail every month through

Imagination Library is a program funded by United Way of Cass-Clay that focuses on preparing children for success in school. Register today and every month, one free book will be mailed to your family’s home thanks to United Way of Cass-Clay.

Who is eligible to register?

What is Imagination Library?

Children birth to age five who live in Cass or Clay County.

when anxiety, doubt & fear take over

o c d:

story by | renae m. reinardy, PsyD, LP

Very few people would say that they live a totally stress free life. In fact, I don’t think I have ever heard anyone say that! However, there is a difference between our everyday stress and an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders are quite common and according to the National Institute of Mental Health, affect 25% of teens and 18% of American adults. There are a variety of conditions that fall under this label including generalized anxiety disorder [GAD], panic disorder, agoraphobia, specific phobia, social phobia, obsessive compulsive disorder [OCD], and post traumatic stress disorder [PTSD].

OCD is a common anxiety disorder and is the fourth most common mental disorder. This condition affects millions of adults, adolescents, and children. In the United States it is estimated that 1 in 50 adults and 1 in 100 children suffer from this condition. In fact, OCD is nearly as common as asthma in our population.

Howard Hughs, Michelangelo, Cameron Diaz, David Beckham, Howie Mandel, Charles Darwin, and Howard Stern are names that you may not immediately group together, but all have openly discussed or have been thought to suffer from OCD. As with the personality differences of these well known people, OCD can come in many different flavors, from contamination fears to religious scrupulosity. Its presentation also occurs on a continuum of severity and can cause mild to severe impairment in daily functioning.

what is the oc of ocd?

Obsessions include unwanted, involuntary thoughts, impulses, or images that repeatedly enter one’s mind. Common obsessions include fears of contamination, harm coming to loved ones, losing control and doing something violent or sexually inappropriate, “just right” feelings, religious or moral scrupulosity, and fears of hitting someone when driving. Many people experience these thoughts, but people who suffer from OCD attach meaning and significance to them which can spiral into haunting obsessions. Obsessions are extremely frustrating because for most people with OCD, they know that the thoughts do not represent reality, but they feel too powerful to ignore.

Compulsions are the physical or mental actions performed deliberately and repeatedly in order to decrease anxiety that is experienced due to the obsessions. Examples include hand washing, cleaning, tapping, checking, praying, repeating, rereading, counting, achieving symmetry, and avoidance behaviors. People with OCD use the compulsions to get relief from the troubling obsessions, however within a short amount of time the obsession often comes back and the compulsions

need to be repeated. Usually, OCD ups the ante, and a compulsion that was once good enough, no longer relieves the anxiety and compulsions evolve to become longer and more complex.

OCD is a term that gets used loosely in our everyday life. People who describe their symptoms as “I am so obsessed with Jersey Shore”, or “I am totally OCD about my husband leaving the toilet seat up” do not typically warrant a diagnosis. OCD tends to look more like the following examples:

meet “katie”

Katie just started the sixth grade. She is liked by adults and has gotten excellent report cards, but many people do not know about the sacrifices she makes in her attempts to be a perfect child. Katie suffers from academic, counting and contamination OCD. Her day involves counting her steps to make sure that she never lands on an odd number or finishes with the “wrong” foot. If she gets distracted, she has to go back to where she began and start over. If she ends in a “just wrong way” she believes something bad will happen to her parents. She wakes up at 5:00am to start her daily cleaning ritual. She is afraid she will contract HIV and spread it to her family. She carefully gets into the shower and washes her body in the order of least to most contaminated body parts each two times to avoid an odd number. This usually takes a little over an hour and requires quite a bit of soap. When the shower is finished she cannot use towels in fear of re-contaminating herself or contaminating family members, so she drips dry. After air drying, she carefully puts on her socks to avoid contaminating her feet and carefully gets dressed; counting each movement she makes to ensure that she ends on a safe even number. If Katie did not re-contaminate herself or her environment in any way she can avoid re-showering, however this is often not the case and she is frequently late for school. As if the morning routine where not stressful enough, it is only compounded by the fatigue she experiences from being up late from perfecting her school work. Katie often asks her teachers for extra worksheets, because unbeknownst to them if she makes an error, it is not acceptable to simply erase. She needs to start over from the beginning. If she is writing a sentence, she needs to make sure that there is an even number of words. The pressure is high since her mind tells her that her parent’s wellbeing depends on her compliance with these rules. She often gets stuck rereading sentences

in her books to ensure totally comprehension and often tries to find ways to mentally reconcile math problems that include odd number answers.

meet “beth”

Beth is a new mom to a 3-month-old daughter. Beth has experienced some minor symptoms of OCD in the past, but has noticed a dramatic increase in her symptoms over the past few months. She is currently experiencing violent and sexual obsessions which are relieved through avoidance, reassurance seeking, and religious compulsions. She is terrified by images and thoughts of stabbing her infant and sexually abusing her while changing her diaper. She has no history of abusing children and is distressed that she is having these obsessions. In order to avoid her fears, Beth only holds her baby when other people are around, no longer uses or looks at sharp objects, constantly asks ‘did I just hurt the baby?’ and prays in a specific way. If she says part of the prayer in a different tone or order, she needs to start over. She now spends a few hours a day praying. Most of the child rearing is left up to her husband and she continues to be terrified that she will suddenly lose control even though everyone keeps giving her reassurance that she is a good mom.

how do you know if it is OCD?

To accurately diagnose OCD, it is necessary to be able to identify the obsessions that are producing distressing emotions and the compulsions that serve as attempts to relieve the individual of his or her uncomfortable emotions.

OCD has been linked to genetic causes, neurotransmitter dis-regulation [especially serotonin and dopamine], and structural abnormalities in the brain. Research shows that after treatment, the brain activity of people with OCD can change and look more like those of people without the disorder. The onset of OCD is often gradual, but there is a subtype that has a sudden onset and is likely related to streptococcal infection [PANDAS].

Whether OCD develops gradually or rapidly, people find that their symptoms are overpowering and cause them much distress and impairment. Individuals often notice changes in their mood, physical state, and everyday behaviors. OCD can be private or can involve rules that control not only the individual, but also the entire family.

Although OCD appears to be fairly common, it takes an average of 9 years to be accurately diagnosed and 17 years from onset of symptoms to participating in effective

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treatment. Individuals also tend to be secretive about their symptoms and do not seek treatment. In addition to being under diagnosed, OCD is often misdiagnosed as other mental health disorders.

is help available?

OCD was once viewed as a disorder that was very difficult to treat, but when it is accurately diagnosed and treated by skilled treatment providers, most individuals experience significant symptom relief.

Dr. Renae M. Reinardy, licensed psychologist

Research evidence supports the effectiveness of cognitive-behavioral therapy [CBT] with or without medication in reducing OCD symptoms. The main tool used in psychotherapy is called exposure and response prevention [ERP]. ERP involves exposing an individual to the situations or thoughts that trigger OCD, and encouraging them to then not do anything to “fix” or escape from the anxiety. For example, a client might be encouraged to touch a shoe that he or she believes is contaminated and will then be asked to resist washing. As a client practices these ERP exercises, the strength and frequency of the fear decreases and it becomes easier to break OCD patterns. This process is called habituation and can be done in a very gradual way [which is typically preferred] or very intensely [flooding]. It is never a good idea to trick someone with OCD into confronting a fear; this runs the risk of sensitizing the person [making the fear worse]. It is important to remember that most people with OCD want to change their behavior; they just need a plan to stand up to their symptoms. As miserable as it can be to live with OCD, know that treatment is available and it is often very successful.

This article is not intended as psychotherapy. If you or someone you know may suffer from OCD it is important to receive a diagnosis and treatment from a mental health provider.

Other resources:

• International Obsessive Compulsive Foundation Resource for finding articles and treatment providers. www.ocfoundation.org

• OCD Twin Cities Local non-profit affiliated with OCF to provide education, resources and assistance to treatment providers, individuals with OCD and family members. www.ocdtc.org

• Trichotillomania Learning Center National resource for individuals who experience compulsive hair pulling and skin picking. www.trich.org

story by | kathleen wrigley

Dear OTMOM Friends,

Gone are the days where our main means of corresponding was sitting down and writing longhand letters. We have the world at our finger-tips literally. Email. Texting. Cell phones. Facebook. Twitter. Our new- age communication is immediate. Impulsive. And sometimes impersonal.

I was curious to see how foreign this concept was for the techy generation and conducted my own non-scientific study on my kids. They love when I do this to them! I asked what they thought the word “longhand” meant. We stared each other down for several seconds and the deer-in-the-headlights look in their eyes was my confirmation evidence of a lost art. I pressed on because I know they have pen pals in school. “Come on. Take a stab at it!” Patrick, 8, said, “You mean the long hand on the clock?” Quinn, 10, just brushed me off, thinking I was attempting to tell a joke, she’d be the brunt of it, and then I’d “post it on Facebook.” Clearly, we need to work on trust issues. But back to the task at [long] hand…

Certainly, there are advantages to these new, technologically savvy ways of chatting. They save us time and money. But these doohickeys also dull our senses, heighten our impatience, distract us, and have tabled our manners which is an entirely different column. For this one, I’d like to explore the lost art of writing

and make an attempt to find our way back to the stone-age of penning our thoughts, slapping on a stamp, and sending them via “snail mail.”

Longhand is defined as “n. ordinary handwriting, in which letters, words, etc., are set down in full, as opposed to shorthand or to typing…” And I’ll add “or texting…or emailing…or instant messaging…or facebooking…or tweeting.”

This longhand letter-writing concept may seem [to some] like an old fashioned, tedious, barbaric, lost form of exchange. Who has time to handwrite a letter, when we could easily and conveniently tap away at our keyboards and send our message in an instant? Unfortunately, these messages, though time sensitive, are often desensitizing, incomplete, and wrought with abbreviated language that may require a 16-year-old to decode it for us!

Who doesn’t go through the mail and open the handwritten envelope first? It’s special! Someone took the time to sit down and pen their thoughts to you.

Writing requires effort and concentration. And thought. Longhand communication is meaningful and personal. And, because it takes effort, it gives us warm fuzzies.

I credit my husband for teaching me the magic of longhand notes. Drew is a fantastic writer, but luckily it’s not necessary to be verbose or eloquent to write longhand. He’s not the best speller don’t tell him I told you which isn’t a prerequisite for letter writing, either! Still, he does it. He writes notes all the time. Drew

keeps a list of people to whom he wants to send a personal note. The list never runs short. And I know people appreciate it.

I know this because I have saved every letter he’s ever written to me. These notes are eternal. The author carefully chooses his words. Penmanship is like a finger-print: it’s his and his alone. They’re some of my favorite gifts and I wouldn’t trade them for all the Venti bold coffees in Seattle.

I read this quote some years ago and would like to share it with you. Unfortunately, I don’t have the author’s full name to properly credit him or her. Scherstrom, a former schoolteacher and writer says that, “Speaking makes a quick mind, reading makes a full mind, and writing makes a precise mind. The act of writing narrowing your thoughts and double-checking them and getting them to say exactly what you want is a wonderful intellectual exercise, and letter writing promotes that.”

You don’t need a fancy quill or scented stationery. Grammatical and spelling errors are charming bits of your style. Bad penmanship is not a reason not to write. Even the worst handwriting is better than the best email. It’s part of you and through your strokes, readers see the clarity of your intent and it’ll always give them warm fuzzies unless of course it starts with…Dear John.

Thank you for reading my “thoughts…”

Best regards,

Kathleen is a stay-at-home mom who serves on a number of community boards/committees, is active in her church, kids’ school, and politics and runs to sustain her own mental health! This Philadelphia native is married to a fourth generation North Dakotan, Drew, and proudly considers North Dakota her home. They have three children. Before becoming a mom, she was director for Bismarck’s Child Advocacy Center and was a speech writer. Kathleen received a BS from The Pennsylvania State University and completed her graduate studies at Temple University, in Philadelphia.

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You know how they always make you cry—those movies where young, vibrant moms get the very worst cancer. And by the time you see the last conversations with the kids, you’re sobbing.

But still, doesn’t it make you think? What if this was you? What would you do? Would your life ever get back to normal?

together, keeping each other informed and putting the patient at the center.”

Susan’s surgery took place March 21st, setting the stage for a breast reconstruction process that took several months. “But it was well worth it,” says Susan. “A mastectomy is disfiguring, but a mastectomy with breast reconstruction? I’m happy with that.”

what if?

“Finding out you have breast cancer is a very sobering moment for a woman of any age,” says Susan Berg, a nurse whose career included breast cancer patients. “I was shocked and felt vulnerable. After all I was the one who was supposed to care for people—not the one who needed care.”

informed

For Susan, a regularly scheduled mammogram last winter led to the diagnosis. “That same day I was on the phone getting information,” she says.

Diagnosed with an invasive type of breast cancer, she wanted a mastectomy—and hoped breast reconstruction would be possible.

“It was an easy decision for me. I’m active and outdoorsy—fishing, hunting, horseback riding. I couldn’t imagine wearing a hot, uncomfortable prosthesis,” she says. “I viewed breast reconstruction as a natural part of getting back to normal. Why wouldn’t you replace a missing part?”

who to trust?

Even if it meant driving many miles, Susan wanted a surgeon who specialized in breast cancer. Her research led her to Dr. Michael Bouton at Sanford in Fargo - 120 miles from her northern Minnesota home. She was relieved to learn he worked closely with a highly trained, experienced team of Sanford plastic and reconstructive surgeons including Dr. Diane Schmidt-Krings.

“Everything just fell into place,” says Susan. “I felt so fortunate to have found a team that really does work

connecting

Susan decided to be open about her breast cancer. In turn she received fabulous support from her husband, her two grown sons and their families, and many others. She smiles when she describes her 16-year-old granddaughter’s thoughtfulness: “On Facebook she posted a picture of the two of us together with the words, “Cancer is not a death sentence, but rather a life sentence, it pushes you to live”

She felt embraced by her medical team, too. “We had hugs, laughs and lots of good moments,” she says. “Their warmth and caring turned a potentially negative experience into a positive one.”

Today Susan is cancer free and feels great, with just a couple steps remaining in the breast reconstruction process. “I’m still a little tender, but there’s nothing holding me back,” she says.

you’re worth it!

A warm, September day. Sassy and fit, Susan jumps in her red ’95 Firebird, ready to head north to her log home. But wait, one more piece of advice:

“Early detection is really where it’s at,” she says. “Do your breast self exams, get your mammograms and take care of yourself.”

And that’s no movie!

photo: sanford health

tami norgard unexpectedhealing

story by | patricia carlson

She walks quietly into the birth center room, her thick, brown hair pulled into a ponytail; a camera hanging loosely from a strap around her neck, she’s anxious to get this newborn photo session ‘just right.' She scans the room, recognizing its contents: a bed with whisper-thin sheets, a chair slept on by too many people, a muted television, and a man and a woman, cradling a swaddled baby. The baby doesn’t make a sound. His small, round head is covered with a knit cap. His tiny, wrinkly hands are tucked under his chin. His eyes are shut, as if asleep. But she knows better. She knows all too well that this baby won’t ever open his eyes. And, so, giving his parents a comforting, compassionate smile, she reaches out, squeezes the mom’s hand and says, “Hi, I’m Tami. Tell me about your baby.”

photos: rialee photography | ria czichotzki

Tami Norgard has always felt in control of her destiny, her future. That quality helped her excel while growing up in western North Dakota, pushed her through a pre-law program at the University of North Dakota and helped her nab a spot in the prestigious environmental law program at Vermont Law School. It also attracted her husband, John Zasada, also an attorney, whom she met while studying in Vermont.

In 2008, the couple had two beautiful kids, Avery and Sebastien, and Tami was balancing the demands of motherhood, civic involvement, teaching at NDSU and her career at Vogel Law Firm, where she is one of the managing partners. “I always have a lot of things going on,” she says. “That’s my personality—over-involved!”

But the couple longed to expand their family and finally they felt the time was right. “John and I talked on and off about having another child and after a while we decided it was time,” Tami explains. Avery and Sebastien, ages 9 and 6 at the time, were elated to have a baby. “At those ages, they were very aware of what was going on,” says Tami. “Seb really wanted a boy, Avery really wanted a girl.”

the day

It happened on a Wednesday afternoon. As Tami was sitting in a meeting, her mind drifted toward her normally quite active baby. “At some point, I realized I hadn’t felt the baby move for a while,” she says quietly. Hoping to quell the fears fostering once again in her mind, Tami texted her husband who was at hockey practice with the kids, and told him she was going to the doctor’s office just to make sure everything was alright. The nurse listened for a heartbeat. “She was trying to be so nice saying something about the placenta possibly being in the way and she needed to go get the doctor,” Tami recalls. “It was pretty clear to me what was going on.”

There, sitting alone in a curtained-off room, staring at the clock on the wall, Tami knew her worst fears were about to be confirmed. Their baby—due in just 3 weeks—no longer had a heartbeat.

“It was just...very sad,” she says, her voice trailing off and the tears she’d been trying to hold back, finally spilling down. Tami called John. “I had the kids in the car heading home. Everything just stopped,” he remembers.

“It didn’t seem real. I will never understand it. I knew life had changed for the four of us.”

The next few minutes were a blur for Tami. “You’re just told that your baby has no heartbeat and they’re asking ‘what funeral home would you like to use, do you want a death notice or obituary in the paper, are you going to

have a burial or cremation?’ And I’m sitting there going, ‘Five minutes ago I just heard there was no heartbeat.’ And now I’m faced with a bunch of horrible decisions I have to make.”

The doctor handed Tami a packet of information, with everything from advice on funeral arrangements to an organization called ‘Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep’ that takes infant remembrance photos for parents of babies who are stillborn or who have an illness or birth defect that would make life outside the womb impossible.

Not one often at a loss for words, Tami for once didn’t have a response. “They asked me if I wanted to deliver

we tried to burn every detail of him into our memories before we had to let him go

the baby or have a C-Section.” Maybe in shock or denial of what just happened, Tami remembered thinking, “I have a big hearing tomorrow morning. Delivering a baby was not part of the plan.”

She couldn’t get her brain to keep up with her broken heart. But somehow she pulled it together long enough

Early the next morning, Tami had a C-Section. “Soon after delivery, I heard a strange noise, which I soon realized was my husband sobbing,” remembers Tami. “This is a guy who doesn’t cry. It’s the only time I’ve ever seen or heard him break down. I hope I never hear that again.”

Their baby was a boy and they named him Beck. Doctors

to plan a C-Section and a photo session with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep [NILMDTS] early the next morning.

the sadness

Tami drove home in a daze. “It rocks your foundation,” she says. “It changes who you are for a while. How you view life and the people in your life. It was a very isolating feeling. I just didn’t know how to react.”

Tami and John dropped the kids off with a friend and tried to figure out how to tell them there would be no little brother or sister joining the family after all. They shared the news later that night.

“It was like a part of them died as soon as they heard,” John recalls. ”The look on their faces I will never forget.”

later determined this very active baby had tied a knot in his umbilical cord and cut off his blood supply as he moved around.

Tami and John took some time alone with Beck. They rubbed his wrinkly, pudgy feet. They touched his tiny hands. They soaked in every inch of his face, his eyelashes and brows, button nose, cupid’s bow lips. They held him close and cried.

Tami’s parents drove through the night to stay with Avery and Sebastien during the delivery, and brought them to the hospital. “It was the most painful thing to watch,” recalls Tami’s mom, Carol. “Tami and John

photo: brandi spray

for one thing, because they were so devastated, but also just knowing that there was nothing I could do to make it better.”

Tami and John gave the kids the opportunity to hold Beck. “We tried to be careful about the introduction. We wanted them to see and hold him, but we didn’t want to traumatize them either,” she says. Sebastien was nervous at first, but eventually he and Avery took turns holding him.

Carol describes her husband as a very quiet person who doesn’t show emotion a lot, but seeing Avery with her baby brother was heart wrenching for both of them as well as Tami’s brother Mike. “Watching Avery hold the baby with tears running down her face rocking him in the rocking chair, was absolutely…I don’t have words to even describe how I felt,” Carol recalls.

A few hours later, there was a knock on the door. A woman with a camera slung around her neck walked into the room, glanced sympathetically at Tami and

John holding Beck, and introduced herself, “Hi, I’m Brandi Spray with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Is this your son, Beck? I’m here to take his pictures.”

the goodbye

Brandi Spray is one of a handful of photographers, both professional and amateur, who volunteer with NILMDTS in Fargo and Grand Forks. Last year alone, Brandi shot 21 sessions for NILMDTS. In all, photographers volunteered to take pictures for more than 35 families who suffered infant loss in Fargo and Grand Forks.

“I could tell right away that Tami was a very strong person and she kept a brave face as all the commotion was taking place,” Brandi says. “One would be surprised at how strong women can be. That’s what has surprised me most through NILMDTS, is how families are able to survive through unimaginable pain.”

As an amateur photographer, Tami spent part of the session watching Brandi work, taking mental notes about poses and lighting and lenses. Even through her

despair, or maybe because of it, Tami welcomed the distraction and ability to see Beck through someone else’s eyes. And she took comfort in knowing that she was not alone. “I was using Brandi as a means to find out if this happens to a lot of people,” Tami remembers.

After a brief 7 hours together, Tami and John said their final good-byes to Beck. “We knew our time was limited,” says Tami, “and we tried to burn every detail of him into our memories before we had to let him go. After a few days passed and the crispness of our memories began to fade, I really realized how valuable those NILMDTS photos were to our family.“

the bond

The days after delivery were a difficult time for Tami. She couldn’t distract herself by going to work. She was sad. She was angry. She felt isolated, like no one could really understand what she was going through.

“She was in a daze. No energy. She was a different person,” recalls John. “We sat at home for days and talked about Beck and the kids and the enormous sense of loss. Our mourning went on for months.”

Friends and co-workers brought meals to the house for weeks. Tami valued the conversation and friendship. Yet there came a time when Tami felt there was nothing new to say about the situation. “I kept feeling like I didn’t want to burden my friends,” she says. But those who also had experienced the loss of parents, siblings, or children offered solace. “I was really thankful that some of my friends could talk through the grieving process with me.”

In a tragic twist of fate, Tami met a close friend, Holly Klinnert, during this time. Just a few weeks before Tami’s loss, Holly delivered a full-term stillborn son, named Beckett.

“It was on Halloween night that I heard from a neighbor that a friend of theirs had just delivered a baby boy that was stillborn. The odd coincidence was they also named their son Beck,” remembers Holly. “I immediately felt a bond with Tami before I even met her.” In another coincidence, Tami and Holly’s sons were assigned to the same hockey team the following week, causing them to meet.

The two would email back and forth often, divulging their latest feelings. “I am a little embarrassed to admit I would compulsively check my e-mails looking for a

message from her,” Holly confides. “I felt so lonely in my grief, but I definitely felt Tami understood and could commiserate with me.”

Weeks went by as Tami and Holly’s friendship deepened through email and coffee-shop ‘therapy sessions.’ “I cherished those times, sharing our latest feelings with one another, our dreams about our boys, and giving each other perspective on the situation,” Holly says.

“I often feel an instant bond with women who have experienced a late-term loss.” says Tami. “It’s remarkable how similar the stories and feelings are.”

the support

As time passed, the family tried to find their new normal, which meant going back to work for Tami. It offered her a chance to re-connect with her co-workers even if they didn’t know how to approach the loss of Beck.

“We have glass walls without curtains in our offices and the first day I was back only one or two people stopped in. I watched people walk by without daring to look in, like no one really knew what to say or how to say it,” remembers Tami. “Frankly, I didn’t really know what to say myself.”

The following afternoon, one of Tami’s partners—a man in his 50’s—walked into her office. “He came in and just gave me a hug and the tears started rolling down his cheeks. I knew so many people cared, but couldn’t find words. That’s one thing I’ve taken from this. I try not to avoid difficult subjects. I call. I reach out.”

John also felt the healing power of someone reaching out. About 2 weeks after losing Beck, he was sitting in a

coffee shop when a woman came up to him and asked if he was Beck’s dad. Stunned nearly speechless, all he could mutter was, ‘Yes.’ She said she was sorry for his loss and that his son was a beautiful boy.

“I got really choked up, knowing no one would ever refer to me as Beck’s dad again.” The woman was Brandi from NILMDTS.

Before leaving the coffee shop, John slipped her a note thanking her for calling him Beck’s dad. “The fact that this person volunteered to take pictures of my son Beck

commented that with a 30% miscarriage rate, what would be the likelihood that we would all be delivering in December?” Tami miscarried at 11 weeks.

Certainly, a miscarriage was another heartbreaking setback. “But it was a whole different experience that time,” she explains. “If the order was reversed and I’d had a miscarriage first, then lost Beck, maybe it would’ve been different. I think we went into that pregnancy with our hearts hardened and our expectations low. At that point, we decided to give it one last shot.”

and came up to me the way she did, I will never forget it. It meant so much to me.” Brandi still has John’s note.

the journey

Three months passed since Beck’s death. Tami and John tried to identify who they were without him and if his loss had changed their ideas on expanding their family. Tami says their answer was a resounding ‘no.’ “If anything, we decided the only way to make sense of this is to have another baby.” The couple found out they were pregnant in April.

Surprisingly, so was Holly and another friend who had suffered a similar loss and joined them for their coffee-talks. “We all announced we were pregnant, five days from each other, all due around Christmas,” says Tami. What should have been a happy time for the women, turned into a cautious waiting game. “I

Tami and her family found great comfort in looking at Beck’s pictures, taken by NILMDTS. She felt she had the skills to provide the same experience Beck’s photographer, Brandi, gave her family. She applied to be, and was accepted as a photographer with NILMDTS. She is the only local photographer in the organization to have suffered an infant loss herself.

“On the one hand, I’m giving to them,” says Tami of her experiences photographing other couple’s babies. “But it’s also a way for me to reconnect with Beck. I don’t relive what happened in a sad way. I feel empowered that I can honor his memory by helping other people who are like me and help them feel that they are not alone.”

Tami doesn’t share her story with every couple she meets. “It depends on how they’re doing and if I think

the photographer

it will help. I encourage them to spend as much time as they can with their baby. And I might say ‘You won’t regret seeing your baby more, but you might regret not seeing your baby at all.’”

Brandi says Tami’s unique perspective has helped her bond with other NILMDTS families. “I think it’s probably easier to walk into the room with true empathy for a family versus just trying to be sympathetic, she can really feel what they feel.”

John says he is amazed by Tami’s strength and her willingness to help other people who are hurting. “It takes a special person to revisit that hurt and do something nice for other people in such a difficult situation. I could not do it.”

the wait

Three months after miscarrying, Tami and John began another nervous pregnancy journey. “We were pessimistic,” says John. “We were not at all giddy with excitement. We weren’t going to go there. We just wanted to somehow get through the minimum amount of time necessary for the baby to be born.”

Soon the family found out they were expecting a baby girl. “We were anxious given the history of losses and the fact that we decided this would be our last attempt,” says Tami. “It was agony waiting for her to arrive.”

Tami rented a hospital grade Doppler, saw a Perinatologist often and had numerous 3D ultrasounds. They didn’t buy a thing for a nursery and there was no baby shower. “I just focused on getting her here,” explains Tami. “I tried to harden my heart in preparation for the worst. I just thought, ‘I can’t go through that again.’”

Holly, who had delivered her baby by then, tried to help Tami any way she could. “I knew that once she held that baby girl in her arms her heart was going to feel like it exploded. Unlike the silence that nearly kills you when they pull your dead child from you and the only cries heard in that delivery room are the sobs of agony and pain, hearing your baby’s first cry is intensely emotional. I knew Tami would feel the same way.”

And Tami did. Seventeen months ago, a ray of sunshine named Piper burst into their lives. She arrived 3 weeks early, at Tami and John’s request given their history. Piper spent 10 days in NICU further developing her lungs, but otherwise she was a beautiful and healthy little girl.

Then, just like that, “some of the sadness was gone.” John says. He believes Beck had something to do with it. “Beck is part of Piper in our eyes. There is something about her personality that we attribute to him. There will always be a void, but Piper has changed the four of us and our perspective is different now.”

“She is the happiest, sweetest little baby,” says a gushing Tami, “She doesn’t replace Beck but she’s brought light and life to our lives. Looking at the three happy faces around our breakfast table, there’s no room to feel sorry for ourselves. This is our family, our new normal, and we feel incredibly blessed to have these three children.”

The last 3 years have taught Tami the future isn’t guaranteed and there are no absolutes. And in that time she has felt compassion, anguish, love, anger, friendship, heartache and joy at levels never imagined. While it was a difficult situation, Tami says, “The true tragedy is how common this story is. I want to do what I can to help others through it.” From behind a camera lens, capturing a family’s infinite love on the darkest day of their lives, Tami has found a hidden gift, an inner strength…an unexpected healing.

ready, set

grow

fact or fiction

story by | sheri kleinsasser stockmoe

The story you are about to read can be overheard at any coffee shop in the US. The names and details have been changed to protect the innocent…

“Did you hear about the kid that did that one thing because he stared at the moon for too long?” asks mom #1.

“No. Really?” mom #2 replies.

“Yeah. My cousin’s friend’s, sister’s husband knows the kid’s teacher from last year. Just another reason to really keep an eye on the kiddos,” cautionary mom #1 says.

“For sure! Astronomy…who know? Scary!” confirms mom #2.

Ok, maybe a bit over exaggerated, but you get the point. We get a lot of our parenting info from word of mouth and sometimes determining what’s true and what’s not, can be difficult. With today’s Ready, Set, Grow we’ll test your mama knowledge and see if you can decipher fact from fiction…

wee ones

Before you even bring your wee one home from the hospital, you know one thing for sure…they cry! So what’s the right thing to do for your wailing wee one? Pickin’ ‘em up is usually the first thing you do if you aren’t already holding them, but along the way you just might hear:

fact or fiction…pick-up your wee one every time he cries & you’ll spoil him

Big, fat FICTION! When we worry about spoiling our kiddos, we are really talking about giving in or indulging in too many of the child’s wants rather than needs. Well, in the early months for your wee one’s life, he is all about needs. Crying signals he is tired, too cold or too hot, hungry, needs a diaper change or needs to be held and comforted. Attending to these needs is not over indulging, rather you are creating trust and attachment. Fast forward a couple years from now and running to meet every request, not such a good idea. Here are a couple tips to help you respond appropriately to your wee ones cries:

• talk to me Your wee one’s crying is a form of communication. If he could he would tell you exactly what he needs, but for now remember he isn’t trying to make you mad or be naughty. He’s just saying in his own way, “Excuse me. I hate to be a bother, but isn’t it time for my lunch?”

• see it coming Watch for signals that your wee one is going to cry and meet his need before the fivealarm whistle blows. Facial expressions, squirming and arms flailing can let you know he needs to be picked-up and can prevent crying.

• just a minute Your response time is going to different for a crying 5-day-old versus a 9-month-old. As your wee one gets older you’ll know if his cry is a “hurt, get over right now” kind of cry or if he can wait a bit as you finish loading the dishwasher.

Moral of the story, don’t worry about spoiling your wee one. And enjoy this time because before you know it you won’t be able to lift him!

studies show that babies who develop a sense of security from their caregivers in the first year will be more independent, self-confident and happier later in life

It’s about that time…cold and flu season is knocking at the door. Coughing, sneezing and dreaded fevers may be in your future. As you ready the medicine cabinet with acetaminophen and ibuprofen did you know…

fact or fiction…fevers can cause brain damage

Thank goodness, this is FICTION. Brain damage from a typical fever [100°F to 104°F] is highly unlikely. Fevers are very common and it’s important to realize it is a sign of an illness and not an illness itself. This past February the American Academy of Pediatrics [AAP] released a report urging parents to recognize fever as a sign that the body is working to fight infection and not something to be feared. The AAP recommends keeping your tot comfortable as you watch for signs of serious illness rather than focusing solely on bringing the fever down. Here are some of their other fever managing recommendations:

• drink up Push the liquids to fend off dehydration.

• rest up If your tot wants to sleep, let them. Don’t wake them to take fever reducing medicine.

• not comin’ down If your tot has a temp of 104°F or higher and it doesn’t come down with fever reducing medication or lukewarm bath or cool washcloth, call your doctor.

• just not right If your tot is lethargic, meaning he is limp, lifeless or unresponsive, call your doctor. Also, if he is beyond fussy and more like inconsolable, call your doctor.

• no no Do not give your tot aspirin to treat a fever. Stick to acetaminophen and ibuprofen and for dosing, pay closer attention to the weight guidelines rather than the age.

Remember, a fever is the body’s way of slowing the growth and/or reproduction of viruses and bacteria. So, in a nutshell, pay attention to how your tot is feeling rather than just the number on the thermometer. Keep him comfortable and before you know it he’ll be back to his old self.

a child is likely to have as many as 10 colds by the time they reach age 2

preschoolers [3–5 years]

Your role as caregiver is to mold this young human being into a fine, upstanding citizen who knows right from wrong and always chooses right. And how exactly will you do this…

fact or fiction…using bribery isn’t an effective teaching tool Unfortunately, this is the case…FACT! Bribery involves offering something as a reward for something that is currently happening or you anticipate it is going to

happen. Bribery is almost always a bad idea, but let’s face it, you are going to use it. The important thing is to use it sparingly and in situations where a certain behavior is mandatory. Bribery to eat his peas, not such a good idea. Bribery to sit quietly during his big sister’s Christmas program, allowable. Using rewards are a far better way to teach appropriate behavior. So, what’s the difference:

• timing Rewards offer positive reinforcement because the desirable behavior has already occurred. You aren’t buying the behavior like you are with bribery, “Ok, you can have what you want but then you have to do what I want.”

• do it again The real kicker with bribery is it can actually teach kiddos to act out so they can get what they want. Bummer!

• say it right There is a fine line between bribery and rewards. How you phrase the reinforcement, says a lot. Statements like, "If___, then ___." Typically come off more like bribes. For example, "If you clean your room I'll let you play the Wii." Saying, "When [or "As soon as…"]___ then ___," encourages making a positive choice. For example, "As soon as you clean your room, you can play the Wii.”

When it’s all said and done we are trying to teach our preschoolers that behavior is a choice. We want them to make the right choice because it’s the right thing to do. We don’t want them looking at us thinking, “Ok, but what’s in it for me?” Take a close look at how you are enforcing those right choices.

the capacity to know & remember what the rules are & be able to apply them appropriately in the correct situations typically develops around age 6

You’re their chauffer, homework helper, story reader, bath giver, clothes washer, Santa Clause, Easter Bunny and birthday cake maker all wrapped into one beautiful package. And before you had your bundle[s] of joy, you knew this would be the case, right…

fact or fiction…the best moms put their kids first all the time

FICTION and that doesn’t mean you don’t love them if your every waking minute isn’t entirely about them. Taking time for you, allows you to give more to them. You need to respect your own needs as much as you do your big kid’s. Here are some important areas you need to remember for you:

• sweet bedy-bye Get your sleep! Turn in a little earlier or sleep in on the weekend and have your honey take over the morning duties. Consistent sleep is ideal, but it’s amazing what an extra hour or two can do for your mood.

• be happy It is so very easy to find the negative in things, which is very draining on the psychy. Turn things around and make a conscious effort to see the good. Really look for it and when those negative gremlins rear their nasty heads, shoot ‘em down! Choose to be happy!

• girl time & honey time Set aside time to be with your friends. Our friendships are very nourishing, so make sure you’re not starving! And get away with your honey too. It’s easy to neglect that relationship, but so not good to do. Whether it’s out to dinner, a movie or a walk around the neighborhood, time just for the two of you is fabulous!

• relax a little Stop beating yourself up for not getting the laundry done or the dishwasher not being unloaded or the fact you haven’t cleaned the bathroom since the last deadline of OTMOM [yes, that’s me]! But is

it really that big of a deal? No! Relax and just take a moment to be thankful for what you have rather than being consumed with what isn’t done.

Neglecting your needs can create one angry, frustrated and deprived mama. And no one wants to be around her [including yourself]. So, go to the gym, take a friend to lunch or soak in a bubble bath. Recharging your battery is good for everyone in your home.

17 hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equal to a blood alcohol level of 0.05%

There is a ton of media attention directed toward online predators. From news reports to TV shows focused on “catching” them, we know they’re out there and we know we want them nowhere near our tweener because…

fact or fiction…1 in 5 kiddos are sexually solicited online Sadly, this is FACT. Maybe even worse, is the fact that only 25% of those solicited told a parent. The Internet is

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a valuable tool with information at every turn, but it’s important we teach our tweeners tips to stay safe online:

• stranger danger Just like you told them years ago, “don’t talk to strangers” is still true today and applies online. Sitting in the comfort and safety of home, along with the anonymity of screen names can create a false sense of security. A stranger is a stranger!

• don’t tell or go Talk to your tweener about the importance of not providing personal information about themselves or their family and to never, ever, ever agree to meet someone they met online.

• tell now Let your tweener know they need to tell you about any communication online that is inappropriate or makes them feel unsafe.

• talk it out Discuss with your tweener the dangers of online predators.

Now, you have major responsibilities when it comes to online safety too:

• know it Educate yourself on what is available online for your tweener to take part in. From chat rooms to Facebook, know it!

• block it Set appropriate age filters and check out the parental controls on your browser. Google for instance has a SafeSearch Filtering options [click on the options icon in the upper right corner to find it], which blocks the bad stuff from appearing in your search results. Use it!

• monitor it Know the sites your tweener is visiting and how much time he spends online. A great way to monitor screen time is to have the computer in a common area.

only a third of homes with internet access are actively protecting their children with filtering or blocking software

*Not

for

the average Facebook user has 130 friends

He’s funny, smart and cooks a mean grilled cheese! Who won’t want to be this kid’s friend…

fact or fiction…you and your teen should be best friends

When you think of your friends, they are individuals you like and typically share common interests. And of course your teen and you can very well have some common interests, so this has gotta be FACT, right? Sorry, sista, this one’s a big fat FICTION! Here are things to remember before becoming BFFs with your teen:

• me parent, you child In the parent-child relationship, there is a hierarchy. You are the big kahuna, the rule maker and layer down of the law. In a friendship, the individuals are on equal ground. Equal ground isn’t going to work very well when you think [know] curfew should be midnight and Mr. Teen sees nothing wrong with 3am. There is no reason you can’t enjoy time with your teen, but you need to be a parent for his own good.

• confidant needed An important role of friendship is being confidants, really spilling your guts. Sharing your deepest feelings about your no good boss or nosey mother in-law with your 35-year-old BFF… acceptable. But with your 16-year-old teen…not so much. He might not be emotionally ready for your dirty laundry or to hear you talk poorly about his grandma! Besides, when we confide in our friends we are opening the door to their advice. In what world would you turn to a teen for advice in your adult life? I rest my case.

• in due time For the time being, you need to be parent first and foremost. Can you enjoy your teen’s company, be close and have fun together? Absolutely, but you can’t lose sight of your current role. Gone are the days your hug and kiss could fix virtually anything, today you have to be able to set limits and enforce them. The bucks gotta stop with you and that won’t happen if you’re more friend than parent.

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Who is Sally?

She is our quintessential, “do-it-all” mom and friend who reminds us to remember the woman behind the mom.

good it’s all

story by | deb uglem

Fall is my favorite time of year. First, the Midwest weather is beautiful. There is no denying the amazing sight of turning leaves, the smell of bonfires and watching football. Then there’s the sense of hope that fall brings me and I think all mothers— things are returning to “normal." The craziness of summer is behind us and we are back to a schedule.

You know the feeling—kids are in school, fall activities are in full swing, work seems effortless, and late afternoons will be spent out in the crisp fall air. All of this is happening while dinner is simmering away in a crockpot of course. Then the reality check! Here’s mine . . .

One morning before work my husband walked downstairs in a towel into the laundry room. His mission—clean underwear! I confidently [and a little defensively] said, “There are clean clothes in there.” Soon my boys followed looking for clean socks. Then the straw that broke the mother’s back—my daughter, “Have you seen my uniform, I think it was in the laundry room?” What is this an epidemic? Why can’t people find their cloths! In my defense, there were clean underwear, socks and

uniforms available. However, I am not claiming they were folded and easy to find.

I sat in the kitchen that morning and looked around at the current state of my house. I thought to myself, “Things are getting a little out of control.” Then it hit me—was this guilt that I was feeling? Really—guilt over dirty cloths and a dirty house? Time for a little self-evaluation, a checklist of what has happened in the last week should help shed some light on my current situation. Here goes . . .

Sunday over breakfast my husband and I were sipping coffee and I make the comment that this week is going to be pretty easy. He nods believing me; I have him fooled. He actually thinks I know what is going on.

Monday starts with the realization that my daughter has a volleyball game. Oops- missed noting that on the calendar. We hit the game, and get a call from the boys, “What’s for dinner?” We all meet at a restaurant and I announce that it’s family dinner night. A schedule mishap changed to quality family time!

Tuesday starts with the boys informing me of the football team dinner. My mouth drops and they read my mind, “Don’t worry Mom, you don’t have to bring

anything this time.” Good—because I spent the day working and running my daughter to the orthodontist. She lost her retainer and her teeth [in her words] were, “totally moving, can’t we get another one today?”

Wednesday, good old hump day! Believe it or not another volleyball game that I swore was on Thursday [I really have to revisit my calendar]. We settle for a frozen pizza. I met a friend for a glass of wine and I finished the evening by throwing in a load of whites and…wait for it…I actually folded them!

Thursday a free night! Good, because I need to do some shopping for senior pictures. I know, pretty late for pictures. But scheduling problems and a Mohawk haircut [we have been growing that mess out for two months] delayed us. Bonus of the day is that I finished another load of laundry!

Friday, Saturday and Sunday are filled with a football game, two volleyball games, a friend’s house warming party and a family confirmation. So this week is a far cry from what I had envisioned the previous Sunday morning.

So the review hits the high points of the week. I am sure that your weeks are just as busy or busier! What I learned—guilt is over rated. I actually accomplished quite a bit. So I decided to start using guilt as a way to lead to a positive outcome. Try it. When you start to feel guilty ask yourself why? Start to redefine what it means to be a “good mother.” It isn’t about what other people think you should be, it is about how you feel and what you think is important. You can alleviate feelings of guilt by checking or changing your priorities.

Find out what is essential for you and your family and live by it. It may be dinner out or in; it may be cleaning once a week or once a month; it might be family game night or family laundry night. The list goes on. If you do this and are secure with your list of priorities, the “guilt” has helped you confirm your actions. You can feel good about what you are doing.

A friend always says, “It’s All Good.” I can’t help but think of her as I write this article. However busy, challenging or exciting your life is, be confident in your decisions and rise above the feelings of guilt. Truly, it’s all good!

the fall of

photo: rialee photography | ria czichotzki

is like a whisper to a child.

a leaf

Your next adventure

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