Exams Cancelled

As we all know, exams aren’t exactly the highlight of our term calendar. They are however inescapable. Or are they? If you are sodesperate to get out of exams, here are some“valid” ways to get out of writing them and still getthe grade average…. possibly.

Warning: Do not follow these instructions unless you are very, very desperate.

1. Break all your fingers (on both hands just to be safe). However painful, it will still save you the mental pain of exams.

2. Punch a few people in the face the day before exams start. If you are lucky you will only get suspended long enough to miss exams. If you do end up getting expelled, well at least you tried. And who knows, with your brand new track record of violence you might never have to go to school again.

3. If you don’t think you’ll come out on top in a fight or other violent methods, try to get expelled in a different way. Tell every teacher that you don’t have to write their subject’s exam as you already know everything. At some point, you’ll find the right teacher who will give you more than just a blue file for your arrogance. If your teachers are super chilled, slap them. In most cases, you won’t get hit back, so you can take your suspension (or expulsion) without ending up in the ICU.

4. Have an “emotional breakdown” (you need to be a good actor). Arrive at school looking tired and teary-eyed (makeup is useful here). Right before you have to start writing, fake a faint. When you get sent home, convince your mom to let you stay at home for the rest of the exams. The school will hopefully give you the grade average.

5. Trick a teacher into giving you a hiding in class. Instead of writing exams spend all your time creating a court case against them. The excuse of a lengthy, and stressful court case and the effort of recovering from your trauma is an excellent reason to skip school, and exams.

6. Fall asleep in all your exams. If you have a convincing enough story about working late nights to buy yourself food, you might be able to convince someone that your marks should not count.

7. Start a rebellion. Find yourself a group of people who are just as desperate as you to get out of exams. Preferably choose strong and scary looking people. Collect enough food for a few weeks and go to school. You and your new group of “friends” will take all the desks out of one of the classrooms and barricade one of the passages (preferably one with a bathroom). Then you wait until either exams are over or the teachers agree to cancel them to get rid of you.

8. Fake your death. This one is really self-explanatory. How you are going to miraculously be resurrected I have no idea, but hey, you’ll have missed exams.

Now you will be able to enjoy your grade average, a longer vacation and the publicity of being the kid that escaped exams. You won’t be any teachers’ favourite kid, but now you have enough room in your brain to figure out how to win your way back into their heart. If you do happen to get expelled, well, enjoy your permanent vacation.

By Nadia Botha

Photos by Abygail Drake