ATTACHMENT IN RELATIONSHIPS It turns out that our attachment styles affect who we select for our partner and how the relationship progresses. Knowing your attachment style can help you know what your strengths and weaknesses are in any relationship we are in. As mentioned, attachment styles are formed in childhood but provide a model for how we attach as adults. Your attachment style determines how we see our needs to be and how we go about getting those needs met. The anxious-preoccupied attachment style reflects a person who feels they need to be close to their partner at all times and to constantly get reassurance. They often select a partner who is dismissive or avoidant. The dismissive-avoidant person acts as though they don’t have any needs so they attach to someone who is more anxious and preoccupied. Basically, we look for a partner that confirms the model we have set up for ourselves. The anxious-preoccupied person often sets up some type of fantasy bond experience in which there is just an illusion of a connection. They feel an emotional hunger toward another person rather than true love. They look for someone to rescue them but often do things to push their partner away. This tends to reinforce clinging or possessive behavior. They see independence on the part of their partner as an attempt to leave the relationship. The dismissive or avoidant person often has a sense of pseudo-independence and feel they must parent themselves. They tend to be more self-focused and often focus on attending to their own needs. This, too, is an illusion because every human really needs some type of connection. The dismissive person will detach easily and will often shut down from an emotional perspective. They will say they don’t care if their partner leaves them. The fearful avoidant person is ambivalent because they are afraid of being close to others and are afraid they are too distant from others. This leads to unpredictable moods and behaviors because there is both a fear and a need for attachment. They do not really know how to get their needs met by another person and have rocky
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