Qualification
Gift of Desperation
W
hen I was 20, I joined a Twelve-Step program for compulsive overeating. Years later, I joined a group that branched off to become FA (Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous). At the time, I weighed just under 200 pounds (about 91 kilos) at 5feet, 3-inches tall. I was very unhappy, but I couldn’t do the program. Weighing and measuring food, calling a sponsor every morning, and going to meetings was overwhelming, and I still wanted to eat addictively. I wanted to be thin, but I also wanted to binge. I wasn’t able to stop the hand-tomouth behavior. Consequently, I found myself at meetings with a head full of FA (that is, whatever was getting in through my sugar-and-flour fog) and a belly full of food. I went through sponsors like water through fingers. I took their suggestions “in my own way.” A sponsor would say, “I wouldn’t go to that party if I were as newly abstinent as you are,” and I would think, Yeah, I know you wouldn’t. You’re old and have a boring life. But I can handle it! I heard what I wanted to hear. Choosing to ignore most of the suggestions from my respective connection
sponsors, I wound up in the food every time. Nine months later, I had become suicidally depressed. I no longer wanted to binge, but I found I could not stop. The thoughts about jumping in front of subway trains or pulling a hair dryer into the shower were terrifying. They were worse than the food thoughts that had plagued me since I was a child. The fear got so bad I stopped feeling safe leaving my dorm room, and developed full-on agoraphobia, just like the guy in the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) who is reluctant to walk around the block. I was obese, depressed, manic, wore too much makeup, and had a boyfriend who made my skin crawl. My way was clearly not working. One winter night, I went to a holiday party in our dorm after promising my sponsor I wouldn’t go. I walked into the party and saw two rooms. One room had long tables piled high with platters full of endless offerings of sugar, flour, and holiday drinks. In the other room were people singing Christmas carols. I went into the music room, consciously avoiding the 1
