December 2022: Renewed Strength. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

Dar kness Li ed

Ilef t home w hen I w a s 14 a nd moved to Ne w York Cit y to l i ve w ith my sis ter. I instantl y grav itated to the d arker side of l ife. I couldn’t focus in school and I sp ent more time p a r t y ing tha n stud y ing . My f o o d a d d i c t i o n l e d to d a i l y b i n g e i n g a nd purg ing a nd I a l so turned to d r ugs. I increa sing l y bec ame more ra gef ul , angr y, and negative I wa s d ia gnosed with depression and star ted ta king antidepressant s at a ge 16.

Af ter graduating from col lege and moving to Boston, the par t y w a s f ina l l y over. I o f f i c i a l l y f e l t f at w h en I sp l i t my p a n t s while bowling The bulimia stopped working a nd e ver y weekend I lo oked for w a rd to e s c a p i n g b y sm o k i n g p o t a n d g et t i n g dr unk. I w a s in f inancia l debt and felt l i ke my world w a s slow l y c av ing in. I w a s nega t i v e , d e p re s s e d , a n d p u r p o s e l e s s. My d i s h o n e s t y robb e d m e o f my s eren i t y a n d I desperatel y w anted to esc ape. I co n t i n u e d to s t r u g g l e w i t h b u l i m i a , d r u g s , a n d a l co h o l f o r 1 0 y e a r s. Th en, i n 2004 at a ge 24, I found FA some w hat un expected l y w hi le doing an internship at a f i l m comp a ny I met someone in FA a nd inquired ab out his wei g ht loss. He a sked

m e i f I t h o u g h t I m i g h t b e a f o o d a d d i c t and I instantl y repl ied, “ Yes!” I d idn’t know it then, but I had the g if t of desperation.

I am gratef ul that I had the w i l l ingness to attend my f irst meeting. I w a s the d isgr un tled ne wcomer w ho sat in the back, skepti c a l a nd some w hat co cky. R ega rd less of my initi a l feel ings, I d i d noti ce b e auti f ul , t h i n, a n d h a p p y p e o p l e w h o w a n te d to help me. I got hope. I kne w that I needed a change. FA c ame at the per fect time. I’m 33 now and gratef ul. These l a st nine ye a rs have b een a n inc red ible emoti ona l , sp i r i t u a l , a n d p hy s i c a l j o u r n e y. I ’ v e b e en a b l e to p u t d o w n, o n e d ay at a t i m e , n o t o n l y f l o u r a n d s u g a r b u t a l s o sm o k i n g , d r ug use, a lcohol , a nd obsessi ve rel ati on s h i p s w i t h m en. It’s a m i r a c l e t h at I c a n w a l k t h ro u g h l i f e w i t h o u t b i n g e i n g a n d purg ing. I have hea lthy rel ationships w ith friend s and fami l y.

I am happil y married to a wonderf ul man w h o h a s o n l y k n o w n m e a b s t i n en t . I ’ m g r ate f u l t h at I ’ v e b e en wo r k i n g w i t h t h e s a me sp onsor since coming into FA . We h av e h a d o u r u p s a n d d o w ns , b u t I ’ v e learned that qualit y relationships take hard wo r k a n d p er s i s ten ce t h ro u g h to u g h

times.

Th e re w a rd s o f f o l l o w i n g t h e FA p ro g r a m a re p l en t i f u l . I h av e c l e a re d u p my debt, pursued a ma ster ’ s degree, boug ht a co n d o, t r av e l e d a l l o v er t h e wo r l d , a n d wear cute and fa shionable clothing. Even more impor tant than the materia l re w ard s are the spiritua l g if t s. Before Pro g r a m, I h a d n o co n n e c t i o n w i t h a p o wer greater than myself. These d ays I rarel y go t h ro u g h a d ay w i t h o u t c a l l i n g o n my hig her power for help. In my quiet times, I continue to culti vate my rel ationship w ith t h e Go d o f my u n d er s t a n d i n g . Th ro u g h

working the Twelve Steps on a d a i l y ba sis, my l i f e i s r i c h a n d I h av e a d e e p s ens e o f peace that w a s unfathomable before.

FA h a s b e en t h e g re ate s t g i f t i n my l i f e a n d I c h er i s h my re co v er y. I ’ v e h a d my str ug g les but I’ve never lef t FA . I’ve strived to be honest w ith my sponsor.

I hope to be abstinent fore ver, but I’m a l w ays reminded to just focus on one d ay at a t i m e. Th at p h i l o s o p hy h e l p s m e g et t h ro u g h my d a r k e s t o f d ay s. I ’ v e l e a r n e d that ever y thing eventua l l y pa sses, even the desire to eat.

Ve ra V., Mass achusett s, US

Sleep S oluti on

Agood nig ht’s sleep is a tr ue blessi n g . B e f o re I j o i n e d FA , w h en e v er I wen t to b e d I wo u l d s t a r t to choke a nd coug h v i olentl y. I had to get u p f r o m m y b e d a n d s i t i n m y r e c l i n e r, w h i c h w a s i n t h e l i v i n g ro o m w h e re my h u s b a n d w a s t r y i n g to w a tc h T V . T h e w h e e z i n g a n d i n tens e co u g h i n g h u r t my s to m a c h . Ho l d i n g a s m a l l p i l l o w t i g h t l y over my stomach a s I coug hed hel ped the p a i n.

Ev e n a t 3 2 2 p o u n d s , I w a s i n d e n i a l a b o u t m y f o o d a d d i c t i o n . It s e e m e d to m e I m us t b e s u f f er i n g f ro m s o m e my s te r i o us n i g h t l y a l l er g y p rob l em. My d o c to r g av e m e a n i n h a l er f o r t h e w h e e z i n g a n d a d v i s e d m e n o t to u s e p e r f u m e s a n d r o o m f r e s h e n e r s a n y m o r e b e c a u s e I m i g h t b e a l l er g i c . A l l o f t h at g av e m e n o re l i e f f ro m t h i s n i g h t l y o rd e a l .

It w a sn ’ t u n t i l I c a m e i n to FA t h at I re a l i ze d I d o, i n d e e d , h av e a l l er g i e s , b u t to f lour, sugar, and quantiti es. I tri ed not eat i n g b e f o re b e d b u t w a s n e v e r a b l e to d o i t . Af ter s u p p er, I sn a c k e d i n f ro n t o f t h e T V u n t i l I w a s s o f u l l o f f o o d i t m a d e m e ex hausted. I would then go to bed , choke, g e t u p, g r a b a p i l l o w a n d b l a n k e t , a n d

h e a d b a c k to my re c l i n er. W h en I f i n a l l y f e l l a s l e e p s i t t i n g i n t h e c h a i r, I s n o r e d l o u d l y. My p o o r h us b a n d p u t c l o s e d c a p t i o n i n g o n t h e T V a n d e n d u r e d y e t a no t h er n o i s y e v en i n g .

My v er y f i r s t n i g h t i n FA , I wen t to b e d e a r l y. I w a s f e e l i n g s o r r y f o r m y s e l f b ec a u s e m y h u s b a n d w a s s n a c k i n g a n d w a tc h i n g T V . It w a s to o m u c h te m p t a t i o n f o r m e . T h a t n i g h t , w i t h o u t t h e snacking to keep me up, I fel l a sleep ea si l y i n my o w n b e d . I s l e p t a l l n i g h t w i t h a b s o l u te l y n o co u g h i n g o r w h e e z i n g .

It w a s n ’ t u n t i l m y f i r s t n i g h t o f a b s t i n e n c e t h a t I m a d e t h e c o n n e c t i o n b e t we en t h e c h o k i n g a n d my e at i n g . It w a s a t r u e m i r a c l e . T h e n e x t m o r n i n g , I g o t u p b r i g h t a n d e a r l y a n d c a l l e d my sp o n s o r. I to l d h e r w i t h j o y a n d a m a z e m e n t t h at I h a d b e en a b s t i n en t a l l n i g h t .

O n e d ay at a t i m e f o r t h e l a s t s i x y e a r s , b e c aus e I h av e FA , I h av e s l e p t q u i et l y i n my ow n lovel y, sof t, w arm bed rather than i n a re c l i n er i n t h e l i v i n g ro o m . My h u s b a n d c a n w a tc h T V a s l a te a s h e w a n t s a n d I en j o y t h e m i r a c l e o f a g o o d n i g h t ’ s s l e e p, a l l t h a n k s to FA !

Pa m el a H. , F l o r i d a , U S

Ca l l ing for Hel p

My b o s s to l d u s to t a k e wo r k home at the end of the work d ay bec ause we would not be a l lowed into the bui ld ing a ga in for three weeks or more. I w a s shocked. Is C OVI D that seri ous?

D u r i n g my l u n c h h o u r I d e c i d e d to g o s h o p p i n g . I w a s completel y unaw are o f h o w Ne w Yo r k Cit y w a s affected by t h e p a n d em i c . I ’d s to p p e d w atc h i n g te l e v i s i o n b e c au s e I found myself lusting a f ter cer t a i n f o o d s a n d s e e i n g t h em o n my 5 7 i n c h te l e v i s i o n s c re en d i d n o t h e l p. I w a l k e d to my f av o r i te c l o t h i n g s to re a n d w a s s h o c k e d t h at i t w a s c l o s e d . A l l t h e c l o t h i n g s to re s were c l o s e d ! Ho w co u l d s h o p s a ro u n d Wa l l St reet b e closed? Where a re the a nnoy ing tourist s? I felt sc ared and a lone.

Fi ve ye a rs a go, b efore FA, I would have r un stra ig ht to the c afeteria to get a snack or t wo. Then I’d go to a restaurant to pi ck up some d inner using cred it cards because

I w a s broke most of the time and d i d not have c a sh. At that time, I a l so had to order c l o t h i n g o n l i n e b e c au s e t h e p l u s s i ze c l o t h i n g s to re s d i d n o t c a r r y s i ze 3 0 / 3 2 c l o t h i n g . Ev en o n l i n e , my c h o i ce s were l i m i te d , s o I w a s u s u a l l y f o rce d to b uy p o l y e s ter m u u m u u s . To d a y, I h av e f re e dom to buy clothes from any store I c an a f f o rd a n d p a y w i t h c a sh. A s I co n t i n u e d to w a l k, I found a d r ug store a nd went in to b uy a n E a s ter p l u s h to y f o r my 2 2 y e a r o l d d au g h ter. I s t a r te d w a l k i n g to w a rd s t h e c a s h i er s a n d f o u n d my s e l f i n t h e sn a c k a i s l e . I t h o u g h t , W ha t a m I d o i ng i n t h i s a i sl e ? W hat i s t hat ab out ? I’ve b e e n he re d oze ns of t i m e s a n d I d i d n ’ t wa l k d o w n t h i s a i sl e. I ’ v e bee n in FA for f ive y ears and I’ve e x p e rie nced j o y s , s a d n e s s , d ea t hs , j o b cha ng e, e m p t y n e s t s y n d ro m e, a n d d a t i ng. I d o n ’ t ea t o v e r t h o s e t hing s and I don’t want to start now. I need to g e t o u t o f h e re a n d m a k e a n o u t rea ch c a l l . That wa s such a miracle for me. I felt an in

It’s okay to be a aid, it’s okay to ask God for help, and it’s okay to call my FA fellows for guidance.

stinct to c a l l and not eat.

O n my w ay b a c k to wo r k , I w a s a b l e to i d en t i f y my f e e l i n g s o f f e a r a n d u n cer ta int y and rea l ized I w a s not prepared for C OVI D. What do I do? Where do I go? What i f I a l read y got C OVI D in the sub w ay? I w a s sc ared. I w anted to numb out; I d i d n ’ t w ant to feel these uncomfor table feel ings.

Fo r 5 0 - p l u s y e a r s , I u s e d f o o d to p re s s dow n my fears, my lonel iness, my shame, and my s ad ness. I ate myself into obl i v i on or unti l I had a sugar bl ackout, w a king up in pani c wondering w ho took my food , a s I b r u s h e d t h e c r u m b s o f f my c h e s t a n d stomach. I d id not want to feel any feel ings t h en . No w , I d o my to o l s to m a k e m e strong for w hen I’m wea k.

Af ter a shor t prayer, I made an outreach c a l l a n d w a s rem i n d e d t h at , e v en i n t h e f ace of a p a ndemi c, I do not have to e at over it l i ke I used to.

I w i l l continue to do my one percent for my abstinence and my Higher Power w i l l do the rest. What a rel i ef. I f ind comfor t d ur ing these uncer ta in times by uti l izing t h e to o l s g i v en to m e b y FA . Ju s t f o r tod ay, I don’t have to use food l i ke a d r ug to numb me out or g i ve me a sugar bl ack o u t . It’s o k ay to b e a f r a i d , i t ’ s o k ay to a s k Go d for hel p, a nd it’s okay to c a l l my FA fel lows for g ui d ance.

Mar y Lou R ., New York , US

Twelve Steps

We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our a airs.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

From An x i et y to S erenit y

In the ei g ht months I have b een in FA, I ’ v e l e a r n e d a l o t a b o u t my s e l f a n d h o w to co p e w i t h l i f e , b u t n e v er i n a m i l l i o n y e a r s d i d I k n o w t h a t G o d w a s preparing me for the Cov i d 19 pandemi c. I w a s he a r ing bit s a nd pi eces of informat i o n a b o u t i t , b u t I t h o u g h t i t w o u l d n e v e r a f f e c t m e b ec a u s e i t w a s i n a n other countr y. Little d i d I know how rapi d l y t h e v i r u s w a s m o v i n g , a n d i n a matter of d ays it w a s in the good ol’ USA .

At first, panic set in a n d I h e a d e d to t h e g ro cer y store. There w e re h u n d re d s o f s h o p p e r s w h o w e re f i l l i n g t h e i r c a r t s to c a p a c i t y w i t h f l o u r and sugar. As I w a s searching for my absti nent fo o d items, I had to stop momenta ri l y a nd ta ke a menta l inventor y of w hat I needed so that I d i d n ’ t have to ma ke mul ti ple t r i ps. Then, a n x i et y to ok over a nd I w a s obsessing over cle a ning e ver y thing in my h o us e a n d n o t g et t i n g i n f e c te d . Th i s b e h av i o r wen t o n f o r s e v er a l d ay s u n t i l I

h a d to g o to my Hi g h e r Po w e r f o r h e l p. Onl y Go d could c a l m my fe a rs, a l low ing me to rela x. This a lso helped me to stay on my fo o d pl a n.

Wi t h o u t FA a n d Go d t h i s w o u l d h av e ne ver b een my stor y. B efore FA, fo o d w a s s l o w l y k i l l i n g m e . Fo o d w a s t h e g re a t love of my l ife. Howe v e r, i t w a s a l s o my enemy. It slowed me d o w n , s to l e my s e l fe s te e m , a n d d e stroyed my integ rit y. It o w n e d m e f o r s u c h a l o n g t i m e . I re f u s e to re t u r n to t h at d e e p d a r k d u ngeon.

Before FA, food was slowly killing me. Food was the great love of my life. However, it was also my enemy. It slowed me down, stole my self esteem, and destroyed my integrit y.

Th i s i s w hy I m u s t keep my recover y at the foref ront so that I don’t return to that d a r k p l a c e . FA h a s t a u g h t m e to u n d e r sta nd , one d ay at a time, our slo ga ns, such a s “ E a s y d o e s i t ” o r t h e a c ro ny m H A LT (h u n g r y, a n g r y, l o n e l y, o r t i re d ) . FA p ro v i des me w ith enoug h st reng th a nd hop e to successf ul l y l i ve one d ay at a time a nd t r ust Go d in a l l things.

B eg inning the Journe y

It w a s a w a r m s u m m er e v en i n g a n d I w a s hosting a ret re at for my knitting g ro u p, t h e S i s te r h o o d o f t h e St i tc h . S i x w o n d e r f u l women were gather ing to sp end a weeke n d o f y a r n , g o s s i p, f ine fo o d , a nd d r ink. E a c h f r i e n d a r r i v e d a nd s at in the “stitch c i rc l e , ” o t h e r w i s e k n o w n a s t h e l i v i n g ro o m . Th e c h a i r s w e re s o f t a n d o v e r stuffed , just a s I fel t I w a s. W h e n o n e o f t h e m e m b e r s a r r i v e d , I k n e w s o m e t h i n g about her w a s d i ffer en t ; n o t w ro n g , ju s t d i f f e re n t . I h a d n ’ t s e en h er f o r a b o u t a ye a r. The ros ace a on h e r f a c e h a d d i m i n i s h e d . S h e w a s b r i g h t- e y e d a n d sm i l i n g . S h e w a l k e d w i t h m o re e n t h u s i a sm a nd purp ose. Most of a l l , she w a s 50 p o u n d s l i g h te r. O n h e r f i v e f o o t t a l l f ra me, the wei g ht loss w a s stunning . O f c o u r s e , I a s k e d w h a t s h e h a d d o n e .

She sta r ted to expl a in her journe y in FA . W h en s h e g o t to t h e p a r t a b o u t f i n d i n g hel p for her mi g ra ines, I re a l ized I w a nted w h a t s h e h a d . Ev e n h e a r i n g h e r s a y, “ n o f lour or sugar ” d i d n ’ t matter at that p oint.

I w a s ver y hop ef ul at t h e p ro s p e c t o f n o l o n g e r s u f f e r i n g from the nausea , loss o f v i s i o n , a n d f a c i a l n u m b i n g t h a t m i g r a i n e s b ro u g h t . S h e t h e n s a i d , “ I b ro u g h t my f o o d f o r t h e w e e k e n d a n d h av e p l e n t y to s h a re . ” S h e pro ceeded to c re ate a b e a u t i f u l , s a t i s f y ing mea l that lef t me f e e l i n g n o n e o f t h e u s u a l b l o a t i n g , letharg y, and acid ref l u x . Mo s t o f a l l , I d i d n ’ t f e e l g u i l t y. That’s w here my FA journe y b ega n. W h o w o u l d h av e thoug ht

outcome of a weekend w ith f r i e n d s c o u l d h av e c h a n g e d my l i f e s o completel

the

y?

W hen she got to the part about nding help for her migraines, I realized I wanted what she had.

W ho would have thought the outcome of a weekend with iends could have changed my life so completely?

e Many Gi s of R ecover y

Ijoined FA to lose weight and only to lose weight. I didn’t believe I had anything to gain from other aspects of the program. I heard other fellows say they “Joined for the vanit y and stayed for the sanit y, ” but I was perfectl y sane. I was sure that al l the other bits and pieces of the program, such as emo tional and spiritual recover y, weren ’ t relevant or important. However, when my 12 year old son recently under went a minor surgical procedure, I re ected that night on the many moments during the day that made me real ize the multi faceted gi s of this program.

FA has given me the experience of living without the excess weight but, for the rst time in my life, I became aware that it also al lows me to live with an emotional lightness and a spiritual anchor when dealing with an extremely challenging day.

On the morning of his surger y, I had to wake up a whole hour earl ier to t in my morning tools. is was not overly appeal ing. I managed to draw strength and motiva tion to set my alarm clock and get out of bed extra earl y by remind ing myself that my sponsor gets up at that time each and ever y day of the year. It also pleased me that I could be a role model for my sponsee, by putting an extra boundar y in place instead of feeling sorr y for myself and making allowances to

suit myself or my circumstances.

As we arrived at the hospital, we wal ked past the cafeteria that I was all too familiar with. When I made my frequent visits to my ailing father, this same cafeteria had always been my rst pit stop to pacif y myself with food in order to help me through those di cult visits. I was always of the opinion that I deser ved a particular product because I was going through such an emotional time and because I had something extra to add to my already stressful schedule. On the day of my son ’ s surger y, however, I had my weighed and measured meals packed in my bag and I sim pl y continued wal king past the cafeteria , armed with a sense of serenit y.

While waiting for the doctors to get ready for the surger y, my son was watching T V and I found myself making calls to and answering calls from fellows. I re ected on the fact that prior to joining FA, I would have been totally engrossed in work related matters. At this same hospital, even during labor, I took work cal ls. What a gi to know that I had put work aside, placed it in its proper place for the day, and I could be connected and pres ent for the moment.

When it was time for my son to be wheeled into the operating theater, the nurse gave him the option of having his mother by

his side while having the anesthetic adminis tered. He anxiously looked at me and asked me to be there with him. e nurse quickly passed me a gown and I was delighted in the fact that I knew for certain the gown would t me, now that I am in a right sized body. What a blessing. I was proud to be properly attired and present when my son needed me, rather than feel ing humil iated because I couldn’t t my morbidly obese body into a regular sized gown.

During the operation, I was asked to wait in a passa ge way. ere was a vend ing ma chine directly opposite and I imagined how many snacks I would have prev iousl y con sumed to help soothe my ner ves during this stressful time. I was grateful for the neutralit y I had when faced with non abstinent food staring back at me. I reminded myself of the advice a fellow had once given me, and I said to myself, “ at ’ s not my food anymore. It once was, but not anymore. ”

When the surgeon came to chat with me a er the operation, he reported that all had gone well, but he could not guarantee that the corrective procedure would, in fact, be successf ul long term. Instead of hound ing him to know more about future surgical op tions so that I could feel in control, I decided to have faith that my Higher Power would be in the know, and to wait and see how things transpired.

Once d ischarged, my son and I spent a beautiful a ernoon together. I was grateful to be of ser vice to him, knowing that I had put my family before my work and that we could spend qualit y time together instead of being centered around food. I fel l asleep knowing that feel ing good is about more than just being at a healthy weight. is sim ple program, although not always easy, makes me not only look good, but feel good, too.

Journe y to Hea l ing

Iw a s 19 ye a rs old a nd a w retch of a human being. I had come to the rea l iz ation that the bul imia , star v ing , and bingeing that I practiced consistentl y since I was 13 years old was messing up my l ife. I soug ht c a re f rom a nut r iti onist, a hy p notherapist, my parents, psychologists, and the hospital emergenc y room.

On Super Bowl Sunday, when I was 19, I hosted a soror it y ret re at at my p a rent ’ s house. As usua l , I could n ’ t stop ta l king ab out the fo o d pl a n I w a s on. I w a s con v inced it was going to work this time. I was eating lots of food d irectl y from the earth. I wasn ’ t weighing and measuring , and I was eating a small amount of a sugar y substance for breakfast ever y morning. I had been on this plan for t wo weeks. When the sororit y girls le the retreat at my parent ’ s home, I was still there and feeling terribly lonely. My boy friend c ame over and we had an arg u ment. I ate something that w a sn ’ t on my food plan, and I couldn’t stop. It was an ab solutel y miserable binge.

A er I took that bite, I went home, where my roommates were having guests to watch the game. I w a s sti l l feel ing the tension of the ght I had with my love, and I kept eating . When the t rad iti ona l ga me fo o d a r r i ved , I w a s g l ued to the table. People

questioned me about my food plan. By that time, I had beg un drinking because my nu tritionist had said certain t ypes of alcohol in moderate amounts was healthy. She didn ’ t understand the way my bod y physical l y reacts to liquid and solid sugar. I responded to my friends with a slurred, “ is is on my food pl an!” I began eating a w hole ba g of snack items that were also on my food plan but were supp osed to b e e aten in sma l l amounts. My boy friend’s roommate kept asking me why I was eating so much. I don’t know if my boy friend had told him about my eating problem yet, but that day it was v isible for ever yone to see. I don’t remem b er w ho w a s pl ay ing the ga me. A l l I rememb er w a s d i p, d i p, d i p. I d i d n ’ t a nd could n ’ t do a ny thing ab out my compul si on. I esc ap ed to my b ed ro om w ith my b oy f r i end a nd p a ssed out. I woke up the next morning with a splitting headache and a swol len stomach. is was the horrid way I began the next semester of col lege. Shor tl y a er that nig ht, I broke up w ith my boy friend. I kne w I needed help, and I thoug ht that el iminating him would b e a sta r t. In hind si g ht, el iminating a lot of things got me headed toward the recover y I found in FA. But it wasn ’ t until I joined FA that I had clarit y about who and what trul y

needed to be in and out of my l ife. I regret ted the way I thre w him and others out of my l ife. I don’t do that anymore, thank you God.

When I got to FA, I w a s told that sugar and our were out. I was stil l throwing up my food wel l into being in FA . Although I d idn’t want to hear that I had to weigh and measure, I learned that the way I was handling food was le ad ing me to a sore stomach, sc abby ngers from purging , and ga s that smel led tox i c. When I b ega n e ating the w ay my sp onsor sug gested , I started to heal.

It to ok me a w hi le a nd it ha s been a journey to w a rd atta ining sol i d , contented abstinence. I needed a fe w more trips back to the food while being in FA, just to make sure I was a fo o d add i ct, a nd to t r ust that my fel lows and sponsor weren ’ t going any where.

I show my appreciation for an abstinent Super Bow l Sund ay now by stay ing absti nent, keeping my AWO L commitments,

returning phone cal ls, attend ing my com mitted meetings, a nd tel l ing others how much their recover y ha s a ected and im pacted my l ife. I am going to a part y to cel ebrate my home te a m tomorrow. I onl y know a fe w people w ho are going , but re cover y has taught me how to relax, be con dent, be myself, l isten to others, and have a good time. I am lo oking for w a rd to humbl y ta king out my Tupp er w a re w hen it is time to eat d inner. I have learned not to b e a sha med of w ho I a m, a fo o d add ict.

To d ay my he a r t sings b ec ause I have forgiven my self for hur ting myself w ith fo o d , sex , a lcohol , a nd s ay ing ha rmf ul word s ab out others a nd myself. I can be a kind and gentle soul now. I can get to know ne w people and am not afraid of them. Weig hing and mea suring my food , pray ing consta ntl y to Go d , a nd wor king closel y w ith a sp onsor have made a l l this possible. I feel remade. I feel v ictorious.

MEREDITH M , ME

Slow ing Dow n

For most of my adult life, I have heard people talk about having a quiet time with God. I was attracted to that idea, especially when people spoke of how it gave them peace and serenit y and a connection with God that accompanied them throughout the rest of their day. at connec tion to a higher power helped them l ive through their day regardless of the ups and dow ns l ife brought their way. I desired that same quiet time, peace, and serenit y, but I was never willing to take the action to experience it. I could not get myself to bed early enough to wake up for a quiet moment, let alone a f ul l half hour. e rst way I let myself down ever y day was to hit my snooze alarm at least t wice, before I nal l y got

up. Bingeing and staying up until the wee hours of the morning did not help my good intentions.

at was l ife before FA . Today, I know what it means to make a commitment and keep it. I have amazing quiet times. I connect with God and feel peace and serenit y in the morning. is connection stays with me throughout my day. It helps me stay abstinent, weighing and meas uring my food, as wel l as my l ife, as I work the tools of this program. Recently, I had the opportunit y to have an especially impactf ul quiet time while visiting my in laws in Ohio. I took my quiet time each morning out on their backyard deck which leads into a smal l forest. One morning a er read-

MINDY P , FL

ing our Twent y Four Hours a Day portion, which suggested that asking for help should not be held back by the material things of the world, I asked God to lead me out of my materialism and into a simpler, more un cluttered life. Sitting outside in silence for my quiet time brings me a di erent, deeper sense of peace I don’t do it o en, but I really enjoy it.

Later that morning, walking through my famil y ’ s propert y, stil l carr ying that peace from my quiet time, I encountered a mother deer and her t wo young fawns with their beautif ul, dappled coats I stood still so as not to disturb them. e mother deer was across the way from her fawns, and she ver y calmly walked back towards them and led them away from me and deeper into the forest. It was beautiful.

In that short period of time bet ween my morning reading, quiet time, and my walk, I had experienced so much beaut y. I didn’t miss it because I had been sleeping in, expe riencing that food coma from hav ing binged the night before, or driv ing o in that quick morning fur y that used to char acterize my l ife before Program. Today, I have a program and it guides me to start my mornings with a quiet time that can be taken whenever and wherever I am, on va cation or into work, and into ever y part of my day and life When I slow down, I can appreciate the gi that this life truly is.

Julie Z., Texas, US

Twelve Traditions

Our common welfare should come rst; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively. Each group should be autonomous except in matters a ecting other groups or FA as a whole.

Each group has but one primary purpose –to carry its message to the food addict who still su ers.

An FA group ought never endorse, nance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and lms.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

R elea sing the Wei g ht

Icame into FA weighing 159 pounds. I had been in another Twelve Step pro gram for food for 15 years and was somewhat of an indigenous pillar in Twelve Step groups for other substances in my countr y of Kenya. I was gratef ul when FA “found” me, down on my knees, begging for sanit y around body weight and food. I was ready and willing when at last I made the de cision to start. I was nally ready to make the 6am sponsor cal ls, eat my meals, abstain from our and sugar, weigh and measure my food—the works. e weight fel l o quickly and so did the sizes.

Before joining FA, I was squeezing into sizes that did not t, unbeknownst to me. I only found out later when good-hearted colleagues told me, “Oh, now you t into your clothes.” By the end of the rst year, I was a size 10 and within the next few months, a size 8, then a size 6. At 114 pounds, I was totally blissful. I reached my goal weight and I could let go of thoughts of dress size, tting, even choice. Optimum health, zeal, and mobilit y was what I experienced. My time of bliss ended as my body has had to adjust to menopause, a hysterectomy, and the removal of my le ovar y. ese physical changes forced me to reconcile with my ageold fear of losing control.

I have put on 10 extra pounds and I need to talk about my weight because only I see the madness inside. I am the only person in FA in my countr y; the closest FA members are long air ights away. I need to talk about weight because when I see my inside, I am not well enough yet to be normal.

It is a humbling experience. It is teaching me to rel y on my Higher Power to release emotional weight and to clarif y deluded thoughts. I am learning to appreciate my inner and outer beaut y and constantly look at being honest about the addictions I still cling to. I know for sure this disease is mental far more than it is physical. I know now to be gentle with myself and share my thoughts with other food addicts. It is comforting to know that this inside chal lenge is not un common amongst us and that it is not vain of me to want to make amends with my body.

I humbly realize that recover y has given me the gi of abstinence and clear vision. I can and do accept that I am honest with my re cover y, that my body now gives me real sig nals, that I can trust it. I simply need to give my body the space to make the adjustments it needs post surger y and throughout menopause to settle down and recover.

Wanjeri M., Kenya

Facing Fear

FA has helped me develop a daily practice of bringing all my fears to God. I thought I’d handled the scar y fears related to being pre diabetic and having had bariatric surger y. I thought I had this down until I recently faced a health challenge. e kind of fear I experi enced challenged me in ways I could not have imagined.

My annual medical check up visit started o well. My physician was pleasantly surprised by my weight loss and the improve ment in my blood sugar levels. I le the appointment feeling quite well and grateful for all of the many improvements in my life since returning to FA.

en I mentioned to my mother, a retired nurse, that I had a small lump under my ear, which didn’t worr y my doctor. My mom felt the lump and suggested I get it looked at immediately.

I met with my primar y care physician and was referred to an ENT (ear, nose, and throat specialist), who quickly diagnosed me as hav ing a mass on the parotid gland.

e rst step was a CAT scan. e second was a biopsy. My husband was there with me as the doctor said the word “biopsy.” We both took a deep breath. I immediately thought

about not telling my kids until we had more information. I didn’t want to scare them, but I was plent y scared. e time bet ween tests and results was about t wo weeks. My quiet time was lled with prayer and calls to my fellows were lled with hope and gratitude. ere were moments when my old behaviors crept for ward, but I knew sugar and our would not relieve me of the fear. In the past, I always soothed myself by putting something in my mouth.

I had to use all my tools to make it through the t wo weeks. I re-read the chapter on acceptance in the Big Book, wrote a letter to God, called my fellows, and spoke daily with my sponsor. Even so, I was still so gripped with fear that I started grinding my teeth at night. It took time, but eventually I f ully turned the care of the diagnosis over to God.

At the end of the waiting period, I was in formed by my ENT that the mass was be nign. However, the mass had to be removed and f ully examined to ensure there was no cancer. I quickly agreed to the surger y and scheduled it for four weeks later.

My parents were relieved and advised me to check the surgeon ’ s background and get a second opinion if I had any concerns. Wow.

at really planted a seed of fear in me. Now

I have to worr y if the doctor is su ciently skilled for the procedure? I looked into the surgeon ’ s background and discovered he was just ve years into his career. Immediately I questioned if this surgeon was too young. Maybe an older surgeon, more experienced with the procedure, would be better. I scheduled the second opinion.

My sponsor told me to be aware of the as sumptions I was making about young surgeons. “Ask more questions,” she suggested, “instead of relying on stereot ypes. ” I asked my surgeon about his experience with this particular surger y. I asked about the level of di cult y and the length of the surger y. I asked about possible side e ects. One side e ect was facial paralysis. at scared me to death. I have to be on camera for work and did not want to look like I’d had a stroke. Fortunately, the young surgeon was more than willing to speak to my concerns and discuss probabili ties.

Still, I scheduled the second opinion with the older surgeon. He was with a more pres tigious academic health system. Turns out he had taught the younger surgeon. What are the odds of that? He also had more than 20 years of experience. Eureka! is is the guy.

at night I spoke to my fellows and spon sor about the comparison. “Pray on it and ask God for help in making the choice,” was the frequent advice I received from my fellows.

My sponsor ’ s constant refrain about not al lowing fear to guide my decisions was a beacon for me. I became still and gave the concern to God.

On my knees each day, I prayed the ird Step prayer. I knew much of the fear was about the surger y itself, not the physician. I had no reason to believe the younger surgeon was not capable. In fact, the older surgeon spoke of the younger ’ s excellent skills. For a week, I asked God to show me the correct path. On the eighth day, I called the older sur geon ’ s o ce and thanked him and his sta but let them know I was moving for ward with the younger surgeon.

I’m happy to report he did a fantastic job. He removed the mass, minimized the scarring, and there were no complications from the surger y during or a er. e mass was be nign, and I am whole and well today with no facial paralysis. ank you, God.

Knowing I faced the fear and did not give in is comforting. Knowing I never broke my abstinence is also comforting. I could only stay in prayer and hope by calling my fellows, reading my literature, and listening to my sponsor. e promises of the program are real. We do not have to live in fear. We can hand all of our concerns over to the care of God and make a determination to follow God’s will in our lives.

LaVonne S., Illinois, US

Pet Pee ved

lease participate alone in a quiet, private location free of children and pets. ” is statement was read aloud at one of my video meetings each week. It was a meeting discipline that I didn’t follow ver y well. e reason is I have a ver y special dog named Shadow. She’s part Chi huahua , part mutt, and pure bred spoiled. Shadow is glued to my hip once I get home from work, and all weekend. Her name ts her perfectly. Wherever I go, she goes, too, and that includes the bathroom and video meetings.

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Shadow attended so many meetings with me that she began to recognize the order of things we said each week. One time, we were nishing up a meeting during the rst week of the month. is meant that we were going to have a business meet ing fol lowing our weekly FA meeting. At the close of the rst meeting , we al l un

muted and said the Serenit y Prayer aloud to gether.

At the start of the prayer, Shadow bounded up out of her bed and ran to the door. She wore a look of expectation as she pranced by the door, and it hit me that she realized the Serenit y Prayer meant it was time to leave the room and go for our evening walk. It was time to go back into the world forti ed by the FA meeting and shares. Needless to say, she was ver y disappointed when we said the Serenit y Prayer again right away in order to start the monthly business meeting.

e d isappointed look on her face w a s priceless, and I prom ised her we’d w a l k soon. To me, the Serenit y Prayer is sur rendering to my Hig her Power, but to Shadow it has a whole other meaning. It makes me smile know ing she ha s heard it o en enough that she recognizes w hat usu ally comes next.

Mindy P., Florida, US

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the di erence.