NELLA/FINN GOCAL
M
y relationship with gender has always
those who do not conform to the cisgender, binary
been a complex one. Luckily, as a child, I was nev-
ideals. Any trans/GNC person who is growing up
er made to conform to the gendered stereotypes
in present day society would know, it’s impossible
that are often forced on us, the pink and the blue,
not to internalise at least some of the transphobic
instead my parents allowed me to explore and ex-
messages that western culture and media feed us,
periment however I pleased, and this helped me
and this is what leads to internalised transphobia.
discover and come to terms with being non-bina-
These feelings and thoughts really tried to
ry. Although I am so lucky to have the continuous
force me to suppress my gendered feelings and
support of my parents, I think, in a way, not having
attempted to make me conform to the binary of
the gendered constraints that many other kids had,
either boy or girl. The feelings tried to strip me of
I came upon my time of self-discovery quite late.
my gender fluidity and force me to pick one, as
I had no concepts to base my gendered questions
society often tells us to. For some, this is a possi-
off, and this led to me searching in the dark for
bility; for me, it was not.
a couple of years. I experimented with presenting
I have always felt as though my concept of
myself with overly masculine traits, but I was in-
gender has been flawed. It’s always just a step too
creasingly uncomfortable. I then made an attempt
far away for me to grasp and so, after many years
at presenting overly feminine traits, but that too
of attempting to understand it, I just gave up and
caused me discomfort. Eventually, I found a type
became happy with not knowing. This, in itself,
of ambiguity to my expression. After growing up
helped me realise that it’s okay to view my gender
fixated on the way I appeared to other people, I
as fluid, as something that is always changing, or
adopted a strange coping strategy that was heavily
that doesn’t always exist. This experience is some-
intertwined with my gender. As I often feel discom-
what unique and although people may not com-
fort from being perceived as female in public, the
pletely understand it, it is mine, and that makes it
way I try to combat it is by meticulously planning
true, and authentic.
my outfits so as to attempt to force others to perceive me as something other than a binary gender. It’s a strange obsession that I have only seen in other trans/gender non-conforming (GNC) individuals. Personally, I think of it as a safety net. If I make myself appear alternative or ‘dressed up’, the people looking will perceive me as something other than ‘normal’, and for me, this confirms my ambiguous gender. As problematic as this is, it provides me with some form of comfort. Unfortunately,
this
hyper-obsession
with
the way I present is only one of many symptoms caused by internalised transphobia. Although it does grant me some escape, it all comes down to a similar issue; the negative view society has on
I found a type of ambiguity to my expression.
