Winter 2018
PARENTGUIDE WINTER 2018-2019 / ISSUE 02 / VOLUME 01
ADOPTION WHEN THERE IS LOVE THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY You will be amazed by the strength and faith that one family had to bring their son home.
WEED
WEED AND WHAT IT MEANS FOR YOUR KIDS Find out what you can do right now to make sure your kids are informed and SAFE!
ANXIETY STRESS AND WHAT TO DO
Parent Resources
How to support a child with anxiety
LET'S TALK ABOUT
Sex & Marriage Are you having it?
WELCOME Welcome to the Winter Edition! I am so happy to see you here...thank you for spending a few minutes with us! Within the pages of this magazine you will find: unique parenting perspectives a community of love and support articles that answer your toughest questions and resources that you can count on Each of the contributors in this magazine will provide you with their best advice and remind you that you are not alone! We aren’t here to preach and tell you what to do - we are here to love and encourage you on your journey - your unique journey. Please consider reaching out to other parents in our Facebook Group. You don’t know who might need to hear from you, as well as what ideas may resonate with you and make your life as a parent just a bit easier. See you inside.
Jennifer XOXO Jennifer, Mom and Founder of Parent Guide. 50
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PARENTGUIDE 519-645-7342 | info@parentguide.ca www.parentguide.ca
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Contributors
THANK YOU! I don't even know where to start when I think about how grateful I am to be here, with you, doing what I love, day in and day out!
Cai Graham Author and Parenting Expert
I mean, just take a look to the right and you will see this super impressive line-up of incredibly talented and accomplished women that helped make this magazine happen! I just hope they each know how much I value their contribution! And, you...here, taking time out of your crazy, busy day to spend time with us! Grateful doesn't even begin to express how I feel!
Amy McLaren Founder of Village Impact & LadyStrength
And, I really want to get to know you all better. So, here are a few ways that we can stay connected, work together, and if I am lucky, maybe we can even become friends! Jennifer McCallum Founder of Parent Guide
Victoria Baird Image Consultant
Let's Connect Sign up for FREE Daily Encouragement "YOU GOT THIS" Emails Just a little love to remind you how fabulous you are! https://bit.ly/2yX6Ajf Got a business? Become a Parent Guide Member Receive a bundle of ways to grow your business each month while we share you with our parent community. http://parentguide.ontrapages.com/tellmeaboutyourself Want to write for us? We are always looking for new ideas, new perspectives, and expert advice for our parent community. We talk about real issues for modern parents. No fluff - just good, solid advice, examples, stories, and ideas to help make parenting just a bit easier. Contact me at: info@parentguide.ca
PARENTGUIDE 519-645-7342 | info@parentguide.ca www.parentguide.ca
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Nadiya Hussain Chef and Author
Linda Millar Drug Free Kids Canada
Michele Weiner-Davis Author, The SexStarved Marriage
WHAT'S INSIDE 05 Crying Baby 11 Stress Free Holiday 17 Kids and Anxiety
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20 Family Meetings 25 Everything you need to know about WEED
30 Our Adoption Story
48 Little Black Dress 52 Sex-Starved Marriage
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58 Holiday Cookies 60 Is it a Fever? 63 Resources 66 Marketplace
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PARENTGUIDE 519-645-7342 | info@parentguide.ca www.parentguide.ca
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WHY WON'T MY BABY STOP CRYING? It is normal for your baby to cry. In fact, the Canadian Paediatric Society says that babies cry an average of two to three hours a day, peaking between three and eight weeks! That’s a lot of crying for a parent who is lacking in sleep, feeling overwhelmed, and at a loss of what to do! Fear not - crying is important to the development of a baby. A baby needs to learn that they can trust someone to comfort them – forming a beautiful attachment to their main caregivers.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO IS TO STAY CALM. If you have tried everything and nothing is working, and you are feeling frustrated, put your baby in their crib safely and take a moment to calm yourself or to call someone to help you.
Don’t worry parent - you are not alone! The most important thing to do is to stay calm – and never shake your baby. There is not a parent in history that has not, at one time or another, felt defeated by a crying baby. Just remember, this is not your fault, you are doing a great job, and the crying will not last forever.
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REASONS WHY HUNGER NEEDS A DIAPER CHANGE IN
PAIN
TOO TOO
HOT OR COLD
WANTS TO BE HELD TOO
NOISY
TOO MUCH LIGHT FEVER OR ILLNESS COLIC
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BABIES CRY
WHAT IF IT IS MORE THAN NORMAL CRYING? The Canadian Paediatric Society suggests that you call your doctor to make an appointment if: • Your baby isn’t behaving as usual and isn’t eating or sleeping. • Your baby has a fever. • Your baby is vomiting, has diarrhea or bloody stools. • Your baby could be hurt from a fall or injury. • Your baby cries excessively for more than 3 months. • You’re afraid you might hurt your baby.
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RESOURCES
Where can I get help? Telehealth Ontario: 1-866-797-0000 Your health care provider or local public health unit: www.ontario.ca/healthcareconnect Canadian Paediatric Society: www.caringforkids.cps.ca
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ANXIETY through the holidays
"Life doesn't get easier you just get stronger." CAI GRAHAM WWW.PARENTGUIDE.CA âŽ&#x;11
STRESS FREE HOLIDAY PLANNING FOR THE BUSY PARENT CAI GRAHAM, AUTHOR OF THE TEEN TOOLBOX
It’s meant to be the most wonderful time of year but so often the build up to the Holidays can be fraught with anxiety and stress. Gift-giving, cooking, sorting decorations, and hosting friends and family, all this together can be completely overwhelming for some people. In addition, as a parent how do you deal with the tricky issue of children ‘wanting’ everything without much thought for the cost. Or how do you keep your child safe over the party season without ruining their fun? Many people get into terrible debt in December because of trying to meet their children’s expectations, and it’s hard not to buckle under the pressures. 12⎟ WWW.PARENTGUIDE.CA
WAYS
TO COMBAT ANXIETY
1. SUPPORT 2. ROUTINE 3. EXERCISE 4. SLEEP 5. RELAXATION 6. DIET 7. MINGLE 8. PERSPECTIVE 9. ACKNOWLEDGE 10. TALK
“IT’S HARD TO HAVE A NEGATIVE THOUGHT WHEN YOU ARE SMILING. . CAI GRAHAM, PARENTING EXPERT
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FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT
Place a pencil or a pen in your mouth – between gritted teeth
Make sure that your lips are stretched tight across your teeth – a bit like this.
You are basically smiling with a pencil in your mouth
Hold this for about a minute.
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So when you are next feeling overwhelmed with all the Seasonal Stresses & Strains (I know, I know – the last thing you want to do is smile – but trust me here) then follow this little Holiday Stress Buster Exercise.
The Sciency Bit : Your Unconscious Mind does not really understand the difference between reality and make-believe. So it automatically assumes that you are smiling and as a result it releases more of the happy-hormone.
WHY DOES THIS WORK?
Now, I’m not sure exactly which one it is : the most popular ones are endorphins, dopamine and serotonin. But who cares what the name is ? So long as it works. Anyway your body will start to feel more relaxed as it’s being flooded with this chemical. Cool eh?
Now I am not promising that you will attack the holidays like Will Ferrel, in his yellow tights and a litre of Maple Syrup in your system – but this little exercise might just shake off those Grinch-like feelings; allowing you to approach the festive season with a bit more positivity and a sprinkling of good cheer. WWW.PARENTGUIDE.CA ⎟15
Supporting Your Child with Anxiety BY CAI GRAHAM, PARENTING EXPERT, & AUTHOR OF THE TEEN TOOLBOX
Here’s my list :
Our kids are under so much more pressure these days, getting the right grades, wearing the right clothes, looking good on social media … just even fitting in! Enough Already! Our children should be having fun. Next time, when they are feeling calm and happy, sit down with them and make a list of all the things that they like doing, activities that make them happy. bearing in mind EVERY child will have a different list. (This is a great exercise for adults too)
I have a cup of tea I FaceTime my family I watch Netflix I have a massage I dive into a good book I meet a friend for breakfast I do yoga
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"What does your child like to do?" Perhaps your child likes to bake, or do arts and crafts. Others might like to take the dog for a walk or dance to music. So the next time they are feeling a bit wobbly, reach for the list and pick one of these activities to do; it’ll help them get back to their happy place again. The added bonus is that it’ll help you, as a parent, feel less powerless and leave you feeling confident that you are supporting them in the right way. 18⎟ WWW.PARENTGUIDE.CA
FOR MORE INFO CHECK OUT
BEAT ANXIETY: AN ONLINE COURSE BY CAI GRAHAM
CLICK HERE FOR A FREE DOWNLOAD: 4 steps to stop anxiety: http://parentguide.ca/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/4Steps-to-STOP-Anxiety.compressed.pdf
FAMILY meetings
How to run a Family Meeting BY JENNIFER
MCCALLUM
WHY HOLD FAMILY MEETINGS? Holding regular family meetings is one of the most valuable tools you can use to empower your children to learn problemsolving skills. Taking 20 minutes a week for family meetings could create peace in homes and in the world.
FAMILY MEETINGS TEACH: • Listening skills. • Brainstorming skills. • Problem-solving skills. • Mutual respect. • The value of cooling off before solving a problem. (Problems put on the family meeting agenda provide a cooling off period before focusing on solutions.) • Cooperation. (Avoid power struggles by focusing on solutions.) • Accountability in a safe environment. (People don’t worry about admitting mistakes when they know they will be supported to find solutions instead of experiencing blame, shame, or pain.) • How to find solutions that are respectful to everyone concerned. • A sense of belonging and capability. • Social consciousness. (Concern for family, others, and the environment.) • That mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn. • Family fun. (Creates traditions and memories.)
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WANT MORE INFORMATION? WWW.POSITIVEDISCIPLINE.COM
Roles NOTE TAKER This should be a different person at each meeting
CHAIRPERSON Take turns being the chairperson so that everyone gets a chance to lead the meeting
Rules 1. Start with a compliment 2. Discuss the items in order 3. Keep the meeting to 20-30 minutes
WE HELP YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED IN LIFE.
4. Plan out what you will do for fun after the meeting 5. Keep an open mind and look for agreed upon solutions
Find out how to run a family meeting by downloading the FREE 7 Days to Peace video series here...
http://parentguide.ontrapages.com/7daystopeace
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balance & clarity What if I told you that work/life balance is impossible to reach? What if I told you that your life will always be this chaotic? Would you stop reading, throw your arms up in the air, and give up trying? Well, good news. you can have balance by the time you finish reading this article - but you need to be ready to change your mindset! Here is the exact step-bystep path I took to find balance and clarity in my life - and I want to share it with you! I believe that balance is a mindset and not a destination we arrive at everyday. I believe that there are seasons of our lives that we can either embrace or complain about - some are like the lazy days of summer, some are like hurricane season, and some are like the mundane, boring months of winter when nothing much is happening. What season are you in right now? If you have kids, your days may look more like hurricane season....but what if we looked at this season with new eyes? What if we were able to calm our storms and deal with them one moment at a time? What if we could embrace the chaos around us and find joy in it?
steps to finding balance & clarity in your life Quiet your
Figure out what is
Build a support
Take pride in the
Be present in
thoughts -
important to you
team and
life that you have
each moment
I use
and what you
surround
created even if it
and accept that
meditation
want your life to
yourself with
looks different than
you are doing
to do this
look like
positive people
someone else's life
your best
Balance is more of a mindset and not a destination we arrive at everyday! Jennifer McCallum
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without clarity we wander aimlessly or end up feeling off-balance, overwhelmed, and exhausted at the end of the day
If you wish you had more balance and clarity in your life right now - whether it be at home or at work, I can help. I have been through the storms. I have spent many sleepless nights worrying. I have fallen down exhausted at the end of the day feeling like I didn't accomplish a single thing. And, I have discovered the path that has created calm and balance in my life today.
If you are interested in hearing how you can do this too, contact me today. We will walk through the steps to help you create the balance you crave in your life. Click below for more information:
Yes, I want more balance! Jennifer XOXO
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Click here to download the full Booklet
WEED and our kids
WEED IS LEGAL! NOW WHAT? BY LINDA MILLAR @ DRUG - FREE KIDS CANADA
What does that mean for me as a parent? What does it mean for my kids? WWW.PARENTGUIDE.CA ⎟25
This period in our child’s life often raises concerns for us as parents. We may go into overdrive, trying to balance smart conversations with our general concerns without turning them into boring lectures that disengage everyone in the household. When the dog falls asleep during a family discussion, it is not a great sign! The latest challenge for us as parents is that the federal government has made recreational cannabis use legal to adults this fall. As parents, we want the best for our kids. We want them to navigate their way through their growing years to become independent, healthy, adults who have learned the importance of making smart and informed decisions. As our kids reach adolescence, we see them morph from the fun-loving, innocent child that asks a million questions, into a unique and engaging individual with strong friendships, strong opinions and strong beliefs about what is right and wrong - frequently influenced by their peer group.
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There are some federal restrictions in place to protect kids and keep the roads safe – but they vary from province to province; each province has its own set of rules regarding age, location of distribution and use etc. (To see the rules in your province, click through to Health Canada’s page outlining Cannabis laws and regulations in the provinces and territories.)
WHAT DOES LEGAL RECREATIONAL CANNABIS MEAN FOR ME AS A PARENT? Although cannabis still remains illegal for our teens until the age of 18 or 19 (depending on what province you live in), it is important for us to recognize that things have changed from the ‘pot’ that some people consumed in the 20th century. Today, superior technology and genetic cross breeding has enabled cannabis producers to create higher potency cannabis containing higher levels of THC (delta-9tetrahydrocannabinol),
the mind-altering chemical that provides the ‘high’ for cannabis users. In fact, according to Jonathan Page, (An adjunct professor in the botany department at the University of British Columbia.) “Growing highpotency cannabis is a standard thing now,” (MacLean’s Magazine, Sep 25, 2018) We need to be aware of this new cannabis landscape and the implications of recreational use may have for our teens and tweens.
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I KNOW I SHOULD TALK WITH MY KIDS – BUT WHERE DO I START – AND WHEN? START NOW; TALK WITH YOUR KIDS – EARLY AND OFTEN. For some of us, talking with our kids about “touchy” subjects can be a challenge - talking with them about drugs can be even harder. And just what do you say now that recreational cannabis is legal – like alcohol? How do you mitigate your kid’s perception that it must be okay now that it’s legal?
The Drug Free Kids Canada Cannabis Talk Kit can help you get that important cannabis conversation started with your child.
click to download the kit
Ultimately, there is no perfect “script” for talking with your pre-teen or teen about cannabis, but it is important – because consuming cannabis at an early age can have consequences.
You DO make a difference! Certainly you know your children better than anyone else. You are their first and most influential teacher. Keeping the lines of communication open and speaking with them frequently and frankly can make a big difference in preventing your teen's drug use. That’s why we need to keep talking with and listening to our teens. They have so much to learn, and now that cannabis is legal, so do we! 28⎟ WWW.PARENTGUIDE.CA
OUR
FEATURE family
ADOPTION STORY
A BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY ABOUT A FAMILY THAT ALWAYS KNEW THEY WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER AND NEVER GAVE UP UNTIL THEY WERE 30âŽ&#x; WWW.PARENTGUIDE.CA
IT ALL STARTED WITH LOVE AND A DREAM By Amy McLaren
Adoption is a wonderful gift. But don’t be mistaken, it is also a roller coaster of emotion. Now before I get started and tell you our tale of adopting Sam, let me start by saying that our situation is NOT the norm. And I share our story not to discourage you, but to inspire you. While many aspects of our adoption are common, our eight year time frame is not. Yes, you read that right. EIGHT YEARS was how long it took from our initial application to the day when we welcomed little Sam into our arms.
So let me start from the beginning...
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“Why adopt?” This was by far the number one question we were asked. And our answer was simple… “We wanted to”. Yes, I can have children. But why do people always assume if you want to adopt that you can’t have children? For us, international adoption was something we always wanted to do. We can’t explain “why”. It just felt right. So off we went researching and looking into organizations that could help make this possible. Finally when we discovered one that looked great, we “officially” began our adoption journey. It started with an interview and then we began the very long process of paperwork. When I say paperwork. I mean A LOT of it. From fingerprints, training, social worker meetings, financial reviews, reference letters, police checks. It was all paperwork all the time :)
Do you think this will ever happen? I kept wondering.
But it felt right. We were excited. Then after about a year, we began to wonder...How much longer would this take? We got a few answers. But it was never anything substantial. It was just a promise that something would happen “someday” while they looked for the right match. If you’ve ever dealt with international adoption, this is pretty normal. It’s a waiting game. And sometimes, it’s a long one. So we waited. And time continued to pass. One year turned into two. Two years turned into three. To say that we were getting restless at this point would be an understatement. “Do you think this will ever happen?” I kept wondering. All the while, people were asking us the same thing. So we’d put on our “happy face” and “stay positive” but deep down we wondered… “maybe this isn’t meant to be?”
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Then in 2009 a bomb dropped. Literally. The day before we were leaving for a twoweek holiday abroad, we received a totally unexpected phone call. Our adoption agency was charged was declaring bankruptcy and had been charged with fraud. “What does this mean?” I remember asking my husband.
The Imagine Adoption Agency headed by Susan and Rick Hayhow was all over the news. They had taken everyone’s money and used the funds for home renovations and luxury vacations to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars. It was devastating. And yes, the thought of losing the money stung. But for us it was the time. You can’t get time back. Its irreplaceable.
Neither of us knew. But what we did know was that this was not good news. If anything, it was going to mean even more delays.
The agency was charged and the government stepped in to help the 400 families that were affected. Thankfully, an agency called Mission of Tears offered to welcome half of the cases (including ours).
It was bad. Our hearts were broken. I cried… a lot.
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But this came at a cost. All the money we had spent thus far, was lost because of the Hayhows. So, if we wanted to continue, we had to start completely all over from scratch - and that meant another lump sum payment.
NOMADIC
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There are 3 Types of Adoptions: Public Adoption Private Adoption International Adoption For More Information: http://www.children.gov.on.ca/htdocs/Engli sh/adoption/thinking-ofadopting/types.aspx
My husband and I had many late night conversations about what we should do. And there were lots of emotions swirling around.
The long story short is that we decided to move forward with the adoption. But…
Should we just let it go? Maybe it wasn’t meant to be? What if it takes another 3 years? Do we really want to wait that long? To make matters worse, our biological clocks were ticking. We were both about to turn 30 and we wanted to get pregnant. We felt the pressure of doing it soon; it was a very confusing and emotional time.
While we waited, we also decided that we would try to have a child…the old fashioned way (as my husband likes to say :) Almost right away, I was pregnant with our daughter Marla (which was awesome). We were thrilled and we started to think that everything was going to work out just perfectly as we wanted the kids to be close in age.
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However… As soon as Marla was born, we were informed that we would have to put our adoption file on hold until Marla was 18 months old. No adoption agency will refer a child to you when you already have a baby (for bonding reasons). So that meant more delays. But at this point, we felt like we didn’t really have a choice. As you can probably guess, 18 months to the day, we picked up the phone and reactivated our file. But with all this time that had passed (from both the agency fiasco and our choice to get pregnant), our file was now “out of date”.
That meant we were back into the “paper work vortex”. We had to renew our letters, our fingerprints, our home study and everything else that was necessary. In fact when we first started the adoption, finger prints were done using the old fashioned ink. But on our second update, they had since switched to digital finger prints… that’s how long it had been! Anyway, it was a lot of updating and a lot of sleepless nights. I felt like this journey would never end. And as the months kept passing by, Stu and I started to get discouraged. We both wanted our kids to be close in age. With no match or even an update, we could see what was about to happen…another year would slip by. So after a LOT of back and forth combined with plenty of tears, we finally made the decision that we would end our attempt at an international adoption. The next step was to inform our adoption agency. So on a cold December day, Stu and I made our way into the agency’s office for the last time. …or so we thought…
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Almost as soon as we sat down across from the Director (and before we could explain why we were even there), he began giving us an update on the Ethiopian adoption program. And he explained that the wait times were worse than expected. In a way, this was encouraging. It confirmed that we had made the right decision.
We were a bag of mixed emotion.
But then he threw us a totally unexpected curveball…
Could we actually have our son or daughter in the next 6 months?
He suggested that we change our country of choice. He explained that South Africa had just opened their adoption program again and things were far more efficient. In fact, he said that he thought there was a good chance we could be matched and home with a child in less than 6 months!
I didn’t know what to think.
6 months?
Was this too good to be true? Would this lead to more unexpected delays? Or could this actually be our dreams coming true?
What I did know was that my heart couldn’t take another roller coaster ride. Stu and I needed to talk about this. If we were to go through with this, we had to set some boundaries. So we left his office and asked for some time to think things through.
6 months? That was SUPER fast. I didn’t know what to think. I was speechless - and so was Stu.
As soon as we got in the car, neither of us could stop. We were excited, hopeful and thrilled. But similarly, we were also cautious, guarded and protective of each other’s emotions.
But almost immediately, our emotions kicked in. It had been a long, hard journey up to this point and we had come in to end our adoption… and now we were being told that if we changed the country there was a good chance we could be home with a child in 6 months? Tears started streaming down my face. As I looked over at Stu, tears were streaming down his face too.
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But it didn’t take long. We both wanted to go for it. So we called the Director on our way back and said we would like to change the country to South Africa and proceed with our adoption. What a day. We went in with the intent to cancel our adoption and we came out more hopeful and excited than we ever had been before.
To say we were discouraged would be an understatement. All the hope we had when we switched countries was gone. Now we were fed up, frustrated and even angry. And as each night went by, my emotions started to get the better of me and I found myself randomly crying and sobbing as I went to bed.
It was hard.
So midway through December of 2015, after nearly 8 years of waiting, we decided that this was DEFINITELY it. We arranged a meeting with the Director of the adoption agency to once again explain that we were going to back out of our international adoption once and for all.
People kept talking and whispering.
It was like deja vu all over again.
People thought we were insane, silly, and were almost scared to talk to us about it. Our own family even said we should just walk away. And I know it was because they saw how much this experience had pulled us in so many different directions.
And I remember that ride to the office like it was yesterday. We had enough. And we promised each other that no matter what was said, we would be strong and stick to our decision so that we could move on with our lives.
BUT, we didn’t let it stop us. We couldn’t.
However, the moment we sat down in the Director’s office, my stomach starting twisting in knots.
But now came the hard part… explaining to others that we had changed our minds AGAIN.
So we soldiered on. 3 months passed. Nothing. 6 months. Still nothing. 9 months. Still no match. A full year went by and we still hadn’t heard anything. Our life was at a complete standstill. We were putting a whole bunch of things off “in case” we got a call… and yet, we weren’t getting anything. No call. No updates. Nothing.
I knew in my bones that this couldn't be the end. I knew there was someone out there that needed us as much as we needed them.
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PRODUCT SPOTLIGHT - MY FAVOURITE THINGS
some of my favourite things for calm & clarity
What a whirlwind it has been these last couple of months. Costa Rica for a week with my sister and then a couple of weeks in Italy with my oldest friends! I really pushed myself to do things I wouldn't normally. I surfed, kayaked in the ocean, drove up a mountain on a bike path (this one was NOT a good idea), and then hiked up a mountain, sometimes clinging to the side in order to stay on the thin path. There are five things that got me through, kept me calm, and made these moments joyful instead of terrifying (again, I am not including the drive up the mountain when I say joyful:)
Gratitude Journal Join our November Masterclass where we talk about calm & clarity and how to get both! Click here to join for FREE
We explained our situation and he listened. But we could tell there was something he wanted to tell us.
But as soon as we got in the car, we looked at each other and knew. He was trying to tell us something. We had to see this through.
Finally, he looked us straight in the eyes and said, “I’d strongly encourage you to hold on just a little longer. Legally I’m not allowed to say anything about a match until it’s confirmed. But I’d strongly encourage you to hold on”.
So we did.
At first we said “no”, but then there was a little feeling inside me that thought that maybe he was trying to tell us something. Something was different about his tone. He had a look in his eyes…and both Stu and I felt like he wanted to say more but couldn’t. Did this mean we were in the final stages of being matched? But how much longer would this be? I mean, last time we were here, he said if we changed countries it would only take 6 months. But it’s been over 12.
The crazy part is that less than one month later we got the call. I honestly had a hard time writing this part of the story because it brings me to tears thinking back to that moment. I was teaching part time, and was just going for a break when my old blackberry showed an email from the agency. All the email said was “Call me. It’s important.” I remember looking at my friend’s eyes not knowing what to say. I was afraid to call. I didn’t want to be let down again. But I thought “maybe this is it”. And with that thought, I started to get nervously excited. So I told a few close friends and they all encouraged me to call right away.
On the flip side, we’ve been trying for this adoption for nearly 8 years at this point. It would be gut wrenching if we
So I did, with my office door open, and them standing outside. It was the most surreal conversation I’ve ever had.
gave up and found out later that we were so close. Stu and I were wrestling so many thoughts and emotions at this point. So we asked to have some time to
This was the moment we had been waiting for. Eight long years. And in just a few minutes, all the weight of those years was lifted.
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We were going to be the parents of a little boy named Sam. To be honest, I don’t recall much of the phone conversation. As soon as I heard “you’ve been matched”, I just started to cry. In fact, I was crying so much that I asked the Director if my husband could call him back to get all the details because I was so overwhelmed. All the waiting. All the documents. All the time vanished away.
I immediately called Stu on FaceTime as he was actually away on business. We were both in tears. Finally 8 Years, 1 month, 2 weeks and 3 days melted away within seconds. We did it. His full name is Samkelo. But the crazy part is that everyone called him Sam. And when you take the first initial from each of our names, they spell SAM. Stu, Amy, Marla. It was meant to be.
It was FINALLY our turn. Later that day I was emailed a portfolio with several pictures and some more information about our son. It was hard to process it all. I remember standing in the shower for an hour crying and wondering if it was a dream. Had it finally happened? It all felt so surreal.
So another chapter was about to begin. This would mark the start of our family of four. Literally three weeks after that phone call, we boarded a plane and headed to South Africa with our four year old daughter. Little did I know, I was in for a whole other set of emotions. The first day we laid eyes on Sam we fell in love. In the pictures he seemed so big, but in real life he was so tiny. To be there with him was another surreal moment. It took SO long but now, everything was happening so quickly. As with any adoption, we had small visits that led to longer visits. And eventually, he stayed with us over night. While we were in South Africa, we also had to attend court to sign all the papers and “officially” become his parents.
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In total, we were in South Africa for two months as a family. It was honestly one of the most memorable times together. One of my favourites was seeing the love our little Sam got from the two incredible ladies who cared for him during the first year of his life. They were incredible care givers and we will forever hold a special place in our hearts for them. I truly believe without all of their love and support, Sam would not have made the transition into our family as well as he did. This little guy has always been loved by many. His eyes and personality bring you in as soon as you meet him.
Another special memory was the day we were leaving. The two ladies gave us a scrapbook of everything related to Sam. All his firsts, pictures of friends, his hospital bracelet and more. I think all four of us cried more that evening. It was truly a special moment. Returning home was hard; harder than I thought it would be.
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I thought everyone would welcome our new family with open arms. And everyone close to us did. But there have been a few incidents with strangers blurting out some unfortunate comments or situations on the school playground of kids asking who Sam’s “real Mom” is. I can’t keep the little guy in a bubble his whole life. And we are very open about him being adopted. We embrace it and encourage questions from our kids and others. Fast forward to today, and it’s been three years that Sam has come into our life. We love him with all of our heart and couldn’t imagine our family without him. It was a long wait, but it was worth every minute. The End....and The Beginning!!! The McLaren Family Amy, along with her husband Stu, and sweet kids, Marla and Sam, happily reside in Ontario, Canada where they continue to be an inspiration to many others in life, business, and love.
3 more reasons why I love this family: 1. Amy started Village Impact, a nonprofit that has raised over $3 million dollars and has successfully built 12 schools in Africa. www.villageimpact.com 2. Stu is CEO of his multi-million dollar company that teaches others how to create recurring revenue through membership websites. www.stu.me 3. They both run their businesses while keeping their family #1. Yep, this is pretty impressive! 44⎟
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GIVING back
Giving Back ARTICLE
BYÂ JENNIFER
From a very young age, my daughter, Rayna, would save up her money throughout the year for a specific charity. She would set up a lemonade stand at the end of our laneway in the summer, and she would sew and sell her designs (she actually created her own company with the purpose of ending homelessness with the profits). She donated to the Children's Hospital, CAS, local shelters, etc. She volunteered to cook at the Ronald McDonald House and at a street mission close by. And now, as a 17 year-old, she spends her mornings at a seniors centre - and she tells me she gets way more out of it than the seniors do! Throughout the years, each of my kids have followed her lead - Cal has organized full day community charity events and on a recent trip, the younger boys planned to take all their allowance to give to the homeless. Thinking about their generosity got me thinking about what giving does for me. When I am giving to someone else, it leaves me no time to think about what isn't going right in my life. I don't have time to think about the dishes, the laundry, the bills, or the long to-do list on my desk! I can focus on something or someone else without distractions - and it FEELS GREAT! 46âŽ&#x; WWW.PARENTGUIDE.CA
MCCALLUM
(AND
KIDS)
When I am giving to someone else, it leaves me no time to think about what isn't going right in my life. I don't have time to think about the dishes, the laundry, the bills, or the long todo list on my desk! I can focus on something or someone else without distractions and it FEELS GREAT!
Giving back is high on our priority list, because we feel good when we do it, we know we can make a difference to someone else, and we can focus on being grateful for what we have instead of worrying about what we don't have. My takeaway from having such caring and giving kids, is that we can't afford not to give. There is so much need in the world, in our country, and in our community. The thing is, you don't need money to give, you don't need huge connections or a lot of time. You just need to find a cause that you are passionate about and get started. You are probably giving so much already and not even thinking about it. I made a list of 'Ways to Give' to help spark conversations with your kids, or just to remind you how much you are doing already to spread love, kindness, and good vibes right now in your backyard!
Ways to Give: spend time with others
sponsor a child
cook for others
donate to a charity of your choice
babysit for a friend
join forces with someone already collecting
collect and donate canned food
for others
grow extra veggies in your garden for the
play with cats and dogs at an animal shelter
food bank
make cards for kids in the hospital
smile at strangers
give blood
hug your family
feed the birds
bake for first responders
use your skills and become a mentor
save your allowance and shop for a family in
volunteer at your chid's school
need (you can contact your local food bank,
be kind and give compliments
Children's Aid Society, or street missions for
sew, knit, or crochet hats and scarves
ideas on what to buy)
How to Give: Brainstorm ideas and choose one
Contact the charity or organization to see what is needed
Let others know so they can get involved too! WWW.PARENTGUIDE.CA âŽ&#x;47
STYLE for women
THE LITTLE BLACK DRESS 3 WAYS TO WEAR YOUR LITTLE BLACK DRESS THIS SEASON BY: VICTORIA BAIRD
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Casual Style You have a holiday party this weekend but you would rather show up in jeans and a plaid shirt. You like to be cozy and comfy. Pair your little black dress with a pair of flats – the red adds a pop of colour & glam for the season, take a blanket scarf, fold it in half to create a
WE HELP YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED IN LIFE.
triangle then drape the scarf around your shoulders, pull over slightly to one side toss excess over that shoulder and hold in place with a safety pin or brooch.
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Classic Style Any chance to dress up and you are in! You like understated style, sophisticated and elegant. Bring on the pearls, layer up long necklaces and add a chunky bracelet. Hosiery is sheer black, medium height black pump and a soft coloured clutch add that air
WE HELP YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED IN LIFE.
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of interest to your classic look.
Click here for a message from Victoria
Street Style You are anything but average and don’t mind standing out in a crowd. Your style is edgy. Why would you wear anything but black? Add a choker, leather/ faux leather jacket, patterned or fish net stockings, kitten heeled booties and a studded clutch for the win.
Victoria helps women experiencing life transitions - from graduation to motherhood, to career change, to death or divorce of a spouse, and all things in between - to build their self confidence by defining and developing their personal style or professional image/brand. With over 30 years in the image and beauty industry first as a Hairstylist/Day Spa Owner and now as an Image Consultant she has a wealth of knowledge that is rare in the industry.
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SEX & marriage
Sex-Starved Marriage LIVING IN A
By: Michele Weiner-Davis, Author of Sex-Starved Marriage
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Do you and your spouse have a sexual desire gap? If so, you're not alone. Did you know that 1 in 3 DID YOU KNOW
1 IN 3
COUPLES STRUGGLE SEXUALLY
couples struggles with this sexual dilemma? But just because you aren't alone, it doesn't mean you should be complacent about a ho-hum sexual relationship. You shouldn't. It can lead to a miserably angry spouse, infidelity and divorce. And although solutions to this sexual divide abound in magazines, self-help books and other pop psychology outlets, there is a little talked about fact underlying the problems associated with this sexual void. N O M A D I C | 2⎟53 4 WWW.PARENTGUIDE.CA
The No's have veto power Here's the deal. The spouse with lower sexual drive controls the frequency of sex—if she or he doesn't want it, it generally doesn't happen. This is not due to mean-spiritedness, maliciousness or manipulativeness, it just seems unimaginable to be sexual if one is not in the mood. Furthermore, there is an unspoken and often unconscious expectation that the higher desire spouse must accept the no-sex verdict, not complain about it, and remain monogamous. After decades of working with couples, I can
15%
of married couples did not have sex with their partner in the last six months to one year.
attest that this tacit agreement is unfair and unworkable. This is not to say that infidelity is a viable solution to disparate sexual interests. It isn't. As with all relationship conflicts, being willing to find middle ground is the best way to insure love's longevity. But what's a so-called "low desire spouse" to do? Believe it or not, although the causes of low sexual desire can be complex and deeply rooted such as hormonal imbalances, sexual dysfunction, a history of sexual abuse, medical conditions, and so on, this is not always the case.
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What can you do? One of the most common causes for a solve. I recommend that the person with
The human sexual response cycle is thought to have four stages:
low desire adopt the Nike philosophy, and
Stage 1: Desire, which is defined as
"Just Do It!" Why?
having a sexy thought or sexual fantasy
sexual desire gap is also the simplest to
that often occurs out of the blue or in I wish I had a dollar for each time
response to a trigger such as seeing an
someone in my practice said, "I wasn't in
attractive person, smelling a aromatic
the mood when I started making love but
perfume, or watching a hot movie. Desire
once we got into it, I really enjoyed
then prompts us to become sexually
myself. It felt great." After seeing lots of
active.
this in my practice, I started to look
Stage 2: Arousal is the excitement we
around at the literature about sexual
feel, the physiological changes in our
desire and discovered that for millions of
bodies once we're physically stimulated.
people, sexual desire doesn't just happen,
Stage 3: Orgasm.
you have to make it happen. (Basson, R.)
Stage 4: Resolution, when our bodies
But what does this actually mean?
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But for almost half the population, stages one and two are actually reversed. They don't feel sexual desire until they've been physically aroused, until they've been touched. But once they've been stimulated, they feel plenty of desire. For these folks, arousal leads to desire, not the other way around. It’s called “responsive desire.” Folks who feel desire before arousal have “spontaneous desire.” Research suggests that 80-90% of women experience responsive desire. If you think you might experience responsive desire, it behooves you to do a little experimenting. Stop waiting for the fireworks to happen before you become sexual. Be receptive to your partner's advances even if you're not totally in the mood. Why? Two reasons. You might just find that once you're into it, you're really into it. You may not have low sexual desire at all. Instead, you may just be wired differently than your more high desire spouse. Plus, notice the changes in your spouse. She or he will be much nicer to be around. But don't take my word for it. Try it. At least watch this new TEDx Talk on The Sex-Starved Marriage. Michele Weiner-Davis is the Author of the best selling Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy, and the Sex-Starved Marriage, and creator of the Divorce Busting Center. Connect with her at: https://www.facebook.com/DivorceBusting/ 56⎟ WWW.PARENTGUIDE.CA
Recommended Reading
Why couples don't have sex... By: Sheri Stritof author of The Everything Great Marriage Book
There are many possible reasons that a marriage becomes sexless: mismatched sexual
childbirth
libidos (sex drives)
stress
relationship conflict
erectile dysfunction
negative feelings toward
hypo-sexual desire
your partner like anger or
disorder (low sex drive)
resentment
power struggles
punitive or passive-
medications side effects
aggressive withholding of
depression or other
sex
mental health issues
boredom
history of sexual abuse
tiredness
pornography addiction
infidelity
excessive stress
Tips to Help a Sexless Marriage Recognize the signs of a low sex marriage. Talk with your partner about the issue of low sex or no sex in your marriage. It may be difficult, but it is necessary. Accept that changing your sexless marriage will not be easy. You both need to make the decision to have a healthier marriage. As you talk, decide on ways you both think you can rekindle your sex life. Put sex on your schedule. It sounds unromantic, but it can also be very romantic if done the right way. You both will have something to look forward to! Take up a new activity together. You have to make an effort to renew your love and create that spark you initially had. Novelty and dating help! See your medical doctors to address underlying medical conditions impacted your sex life. There are many solutions that can help, but you must open up to your doctor. They have heard it all and will be able to help if you are honest. Try a marriage retreat, workshop or seminar to help with communication and connection. Consider seeing a professional counselor who deals with sexual issues in marriage. A certified sex therapist would be most helpful in this circumstance.
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GINGERBREA D RECIPE
GINGERBREAD Y: WITH STARB ANISE
INGREDIENTS Place granulated sugar in a spice grinder if you cannot find superfine
7/8 cup of superfine sugar 6 tbsp clear runny honey
MAKES
30
1 tbsp orange juice 1 tsp vanilla extract 2 tbsp ground ginger 1 tbsp ground star anise (You will need a spice grinder for the star anise, or you can swap it for the same quantity of ground nutmeg) 1 cup unsalted butter 2 1/4 cups flour, sifted, + extra for dusting 1 tsp baking soda ¼ tsp salt Writing icing tubes for decoration
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DID YOU KNOW? Star anise is the seed pod from the fruit of the Illicium verum plant, an evergreen shrub native to Southwest China. It has a very strong, distinct flavour that is sweet and spicy, similar to licorice, and should be used in small quantities.
INSTRUCTIONS Place the caster sugar, honey, orange juice, vanilla extract, ginger and star anise in a pan over a medium heat and stir until all the sugar has dissolved. Remove from the heat and add the butter. Stir until it has melted, then set aside and leave to cool. Once cool, add the flour, bicarbonate of soda and salt, and bring the dough together. Wrap the dough in cling film and chill for at least 2 hours. Line two baking sheets with greaseproof paper. Remove the dough from the fridge, unwrap it and roll it out on a lightly floured surface to a thickness of about 0.5cm. Cut out shapes with a gingerbread-man cutter ñ a 7.5cm cutter will Get Nadiya's book make around 30 biscuits. "Bake me a Story" Gather off-cuts and re-roll the dough as necessary.
here
Place the gingerbread men on the lined baking sheets and transfer to the freezer for 10 minutes to firm up. Preheat the oven to 180°C (350°F) Transfer the sheets from the freezer to the oven and bake for 15 minutes, or until golden around the edges and paler in the centre. Remove from the oven and leave to cool on the sheets for 10 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack. Have fun decorating your gingerbread people with icing!
Nadiya’s Bake Me a Story by Nadiya Hussain, illustrations by Clair Rossiter, out now in hardback from Hodder Children’s Books.
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Welcome to COLD & FLU SEASON
PRIN T this page
IS IT A FEVER? When your child is sick they may have a fever. If you
Method
Normal Temperature
think your child has a fever,
Rectum
38°C (100.4°F)
use a thermometer. Your
Mouth
37.5°C (99.5°F)
child has a fever if their
Armpit
37.3°C (99.1°F)
temperature is above the
Ear
38°C (100.4°F)
number listed here:
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How to take a temperature: Use one thermometer for rectal and one for taking oral temperatures Do not use glass or mercury thermometers, use digital or
Resources:
plastic thermometers instead
Is it an Emergency?
Forehead thermometers are not as accurate as other
Call 9-1-1 or go to your local
methods for taking temperatures
hospital
For more information on how to correctly take a temperature, visit www.caringforkids.cps.ca
Who to contact if your child has a fever: Babies younger than six months old should see a doctor
Need a Family Doctor? Call Health Care Connect 1-800-445-1822 www.ontario.ca/page/find-
when they have a fever Call your health care provider if your baby is older than six months and the fever does not go away after 72 hours
family-doctor-or-nursepractitioner
(three days), or your baby has a fever combined with a rash or any other signs of illness that worry you Talk to a Registered Nurse, at Telehealth Ontario 1-866797-0000 (TTY: 1-866-797-0007); available 24 hours a day, seven days a week
In an emergency situation, call 9-1-1
What to do if your child has a fever:
Want to speak with a Registered Nurse? Call Telehealth Ontario 1-866-797-0000 (TTY: 1-866-797-0007)
Babies younger than six months old should see a doctor when they have a fever If your child is older than six months, then give more to drink (such as breast milk or water) Take off extra clothing and blankets, leave enough to avoid shivering check your child's temperature often
What NOT to do if your child has a fever: Do not give medication unless recommended by your health care provider Do not give Aspirin or Acetylsalicylic Acid (ASA) to a child or teenager with a fever Do not use alcohol rubs or baths and sponging with water to lower a child's fever
Other signs your child may be sick: Acting differently (tired, weak, sleepy, loss of appetite, fussy, or a lot of crying) A runny nose Coughing Vomiting Rash Difficulty breathing Diarrhea Change in skin colour (pale or looks yellow)
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Parent Resources Navigating the internet to find the right resources can be a daunting task. We want to make life easier for you!!! Below is a simplified list of where you can start to find the resources across Ontario, Canada. If you are not in Ontario, and you are searching for a resource in your area, contact us at info@parentguide.ca. You are NEVER alone…please reach out, connect with others, find out what your options are, and equip yourself with this list! EMERGENCY 9-1-1 In an emergency, please call 9-1-1 ADDICTION, MENTAL HEALTH, AND PROBLEM GAMBLING SERVICES ConnexOntario 1-866-531-2600 www.connexontario.ca Free and confidential health services information for people experiencing problems with alcohol and drugs, mental illness or gambling. Information and referral service is 24/7, confidential and free. ASSAULT AND VIOLENCE Assaulted Women’s Helpline TOLL-FREE 1.866.863.0511 TOLL-FREE TTY 1.866.863.7868 #SAFE (#7233) on your Bell, Rogers, Fido or Telus mobile phone www.awhl.org To provide free, 24/7 crisis counselling, emotional support, information and referrals via telephone to women in up to 200 languages - completely anonymous and confidential.
PRINT THESE PAGES CHILD CARE AND SCHOOLING Ontario Ministry of Education www.ontario.ca/page/ministry-education The Ministry is responsible for early years, child care and publicly funded education from kindergarten to Grade 12. OneList https://onehsn.com/home/childcare Available in most areas across Ontario
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COMMUNITY INFORMATION
HEALTH
Call 2-1-1 211ontario.ca 211 is a helpline and website that provides information on and referrals to Ontario’s community, social, health-related and government services.
Health Care Options www.ontario.ca/locations/health Find a family doctor, health unit, mental health supports, walk-in clinics, immunization clinics, hospitals and more.
DISTRESS Distress and Crisis Ontario www.dcontario.org Distress Centres offer support and a variety of services. At a Distress Centre you can find a listening ear for lonely, depressed, and/or suicidal people, usually 24/7. Many centres also have Suicide Survivor programs, support services for youth, telephone call out programs for seniors and vulnerable people, mental health Crisis Lines services and much more.
Telehealth Ontario Toll-free: 1-866-797-0000 Toll-free TTY: 1-866-797-0007 Telehealth Ontario is only offered over the phone. Email advice is not available. Free, confidential service - call to get health advice or information. A Registered Nurse will take your call 24/7. HELP FOR KIDS Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868 Text CONNECT to 686868 www.kidshelpphone.ca Kids Help Phone is Canada's only national 24-hour, bilingual and anonymous phone counselling, web counselling and referral service for children and youth. Search their extensive resource list, Phone, live chat, App. HELP FOR POST-SECONDARY STUDENTS Good2Talk 1-866-925-5454, or call 2-1-1 Free, confidential helpline providing professional counselling and information and referrals for mental health, addictions and well-being to post-secondary students in Ontario, 24/7/365.
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INFANT FEEDING & NUTRITION LGBTQ+ La Leche League Canada 1-800-665-4324 www.lllc.ca To encourage, promote and provide motherto-mother breastfeeding support and educational opportunities as an important contribution to the health of children, families and society. Motherisk Helpline 1-877-439-2744 www.motherisk.org Provides evidence-based information about the risk or safety of prescription and overthe-counter medications, herbal products, chemicals, radiation, chronic diseases, infections, occupational, environmental, and other exposures during pregnancy and while breastfeeding. Monday to Friday 9 a.m. to noon and 1 to 5 p.m. eastern standard time. Motherisk - Alcohol and Substance Use Helpline 1-877-327-4636 Provides information about the safety or risk of alcohol, nicotine and recreational drugs such as marijuana, cocaine and ecstasy during pregnancy and breastfeeding. Monday to Friday 9 a.m. to noon and 1 to 5 p.m. eastern standard time. Public Health www.ontario.ca/locations/health Find a family doctor, health unit, mental health supports, walk-in clinics, immunization clinics, hospitals and more.
LGBT YouthLine 1.800.268.9688 www.youthline.ca Youth Line offers confidential and nonjudgemental peer support through our telephone, text and chat services. Get in touch with a peer support volunteer from Sunday to Friday, 4:00PM to 9:30 PM. Check out their amazing list of resources: www.youthline.ca/get-support/linksresources POISON Ontario Poison Centre 1-800-268-9017 www.ontariopoisoncentre.ca Assists if you think that you or someone you love has been exposed to a dangerous substance. SUICIDE If you are in crisis, and you are feeling suicidal, or think someone else is: • Contact your/their doctor • Go to the nearest hospital • Find a local crisis line • Find a mobile crisis team • Call a Distress Centre • Call 911 or Telehealth Ontario at 1-866-797-0000 • 211 • Canadian Mental Health Association • Kids Help Phone
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Marketplace Want to know who supports us? These companies make it possible for us to continue to provide content and resources to local parents. Check them out, because without them, we couldn't do what we do!
London and Area
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These are companies that we have worked with for years. They are looking forward to hearing from you. Go ahead, contact them and give them a huge thanks from our community of parents!
Region of Waterloo
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Traditions
There are a lot of traditions that I have brought into our family from my childhood. One that I love to keep is our Christmas Eve tradition. Each Christmas Eve we gather in the living room and open two presents. It didn't take the kids long to realize that the first present is always PJ's - but they still get excited.
The second present is always a photo album for each child, filled with photos of: their friends, their birthdays, and all their other special moments throughout the past year. This year, I have decided to add one more tradition. I am going to write each one of my kids a letter to tell them how much I have loved watching them grow over the last year.
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It's the most wonderful time of the year! I will tell them how much they mean to the world, and remind them of all their special gifts. How kind, and smart they are...and how much I love being their mom. Do you have family traditions? I would love to hear about them. Let's connect in our Facebook Group at: https://www.facebook.com/groups/parent guideacademy/ Wishing you the best of the season! See you in 2019! Jennifer XOXO
