The Strand | Vol. 65, Issue 12

STRAND

The end of SOOSAC

SOOSAC | PAGE 09

Being a hater

FARTS & CULTS | PAGE 11

Let’s be reel

LUCY’S STRAND | PAGE 16

UofT student protests to free Andrew Tate from prison

males across the world—including this engineering student whose only goal is to free his hero from jail.

about how much that statement has improved my life. I switched from Eng Sci to Chem Eng after reading that. I still cry a lot and nd it di cult to wake up in the morning, but at least my life has changed, you know?”

e student also added his number to the poster, “In case someone wanted to show their support and maybe needed a friend to talk to in this time of tragedy.” A total of three people ended up contacting the student to talk about Tate—one of which was a drunk dial at 2 am who thought the name ‘Toot’ was hilarious, and one was a counsellor o ering the student free therapy sessions to help him work on his “problematic ideals.”

It was 7:42 pm on December 29 of last year. A 21-year-old UofT engineering student was scrolling through TikTok looking for ‘NYE at home ideas for singles’ when he discovered the most devastating news that would ruin 2023 for him—Andrew Tate, his inspiration and sole guiding light in life, had been arrested.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes. How could the Romanians do this to my hero?” claimed the student, who has chosen to remain anonymous— because he believes no human other than Tate deserves fame in this world. “Without Andrew, how are the rest of us young men going to learn

how to be the Alpha males this society desperately needs?”

e student immediately knew he had to protest this atrocity. And what better location to do so than Bahen—the CS and Engineering departments combined would make for the perfect swarm of lonely, single guys looking for any tiny spark of motivation to live.

“I had an awesome idea. I printed out some of Tate’s best work—his tweets—and put up posters.” Engineering students would have to be inspired by some of Tate’s most insightful quotes such as “You will always be depressed if your life is depressing. Change it.” Upon reading the poster, one student even commented: “I still get emotional thinking

VUSAC election results

eld of candidates, but Willy Churchill emerged as Vice-President External in a landslide victory, largely due to his promise to ght the rats terrorising Burwash Dining Hall. He is quoted saying, “We shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be … we shall ght in the elds and in the streets, we shall ght in the hills; we shall never surrender.”

Vice-President Internal went to Daniella Trump, who promised to “make this council great again.” When asked how she planned to do that, she went on a tirade against University of Toronto Schools (UTS), claiming “when UTS sends its people, they’re not sending their best.” Trump has no political experience, but claimed to be quali ed to lead VUSAC because she owns several lucrative properties on Bloor Street and refuses to divest from fossil fuels.

Victoria University Students’ Administrative Council’s (VUSAC) new President, Georgina Bush, promised to invade University College (UC) to “free the UC people” from the authoritarian regime of fraternity brothers, while also disarming them of their stash of weapons of mass destruction (Axe body spray). While public support is generally on Bush’s side, one angry student launched their shoes at Bush during last Friday’s town hall. She was unharmed and remains resolute in her plans to protect Victoria College’s security, with the help of “that one hot security guard.”

Turning to the vice presidents, it was a crowded

e nal Vice Presidency, Vice-President of Student Operations, fell to Greg Santos. “I’m quali ed because I actually used to be the President of Victoria College,” he said. When asked to provide proof, Santos said “It’s written right there in my resume.” Examination by e Strand has yielded no evidence of any of Santos’ past experience. In a desperate bid to distract students from his duplicity, Santos claimed that he was grieving, because his mother “died in the Annesley Hall re.” Weeks earlier, Santos claimed that his mother was killed by the ghost that haunts Old Vic.

But the student hasn’t given up yet. Even after months of spending his Saturdays standing next to the poster and getting frustrated looks from girls passing by, he is ready to take the protest to the next level. Inspired by Tate’s latest tweets from jail about his heroic scar on his lung due to war, the student wants to do the same to show his support.

“People get tattoos for the celebrities they love—I’m going to get a scar on my lung.” e student is going into surgery next Wednesday. When asked about the fact that no one will be able to see the scar, he got emotional. “I don’t care about others. e scar will be evidence that Tate now has a permanent place in my heart—or in my lung, rather.” Dr. Bob Wilson at Sunnybrook, a lung surgeon who has saved hundreds of lives in his 25 years of experience in the eld, says he’s

VUSAC’s new Academic Commissioner is Jack Biden, a longtime VUSAC Councillor. is was Biden’s third run for Commissioner, and will (hopefully) represent his last political position at Vic. With a largely uninspired campaign, Biden was able to catapult to victory due to the fact that his opponent was so awful, Biden looked good in comparison. Student Bo Burnbam poignantly commented, “How is the best case scenario Jack Biden?”

Charismatic Justina Trudeau became Equity Commissioner. When asked what she knew about equity as a straight, cisgender, white woman, Trudeau stated that she understands the experiences of people of colour because she has previously dressed in blackface.

Turning to ex-o cio positions, new Board of Regents student representatives include Walt Laurier and Jim A MacDonald. Laurier asked students to stop calling him a “nepo baby” simply because there is a university named after him, while McDonald tried to boost his popularity with a promise to limit the number of students from Vancouver with a “Lululemon tax.”

With these new elected o cials, VUSAC meetings are sure to be nothing short of spectacular. When outgoing president Brian Obama was asked to comment, he said, “My best advice to students? Transfer.”

SHIVANSHI DHURIA CONTRIBUTOR

The past two and a half months have been a tragic time for 20-year-old

PHOTO | JAMES REILLY

PHOTO | ANDREW TATE

Results are in, and the new council is definitely going to shake things up at Victoria College

| SHELLEY YAO

The

anti-pasta antipasto

Spaghetti and lasagne declared 'not pasta' at UofT

BREAKING! Utter chaos erupts in UofT as two rstyear philosophy geniuses in PHL100, William and Devarya, declare lasagne and spaghetti to be “not pasta.”

We hear about this as their friends ache in panic over their seeming descent into madness, fearing that they have acquired the disease of the learned, but they deny this and say “modern problems require modern solutions.”

In a charming, captivating, and assertive delivery, they had this to say: “It’s simple. Spaghetti and lasagne are not pasta. In fact, pasta is a state of mind, a social construct even.”

Sources say they heard about this profound theory on a Friday morning, when William and Devarya were seen describing this as the “one topic they agree on,” before their philosophy tutorial. Some students from the tutorial blame UofT time for allowing William and Devarya the extra ten minutes to think this, but they claim that their “genius” on the topic of pasta is immortal.

ey call it the “Lady and the Tramp” theory, as a tribute to the most famous appearance of spaghetti on screen. Here’s what they had to say when we asked them to clarify the theory:

William: “When you imagine a pizza or sandwich, the central idea remains the same. For a pizza, it’s a circular shaped dough—square if you’re quirky—ovenbaked with marinara sauce, cheese, and toppings. For a sandwich, it’s simpler, but it’s essentially vegetables, meat, or both, between two pieces of bread. Obviously the ‘toppings’ and sauce can (sometimes) di er, but the central idea of a pizza would remain the same, as it would for a sandwich.”

Devarya: “However, for pasta it di ers severely. It’s possible to cook penne in di erent sauces with di erent vegetables or meat, and only then does the central idea remain the same. But if we were to ask someone to imagine pasta, ideally, we all would imagine penne cooked in di erent sauces with di erent veggies or meat, but because society is so admonishingly cruel, they sought out to misrepresent pasta, and created three million variants of it; hence, one might imagine spaghetti (which is essentially noodles) or lasagne instead. Neither of which are remotely similar to penne.”

So, when you or I ask someone to draw pasta, how are we to draw the same shape (even if the toppings vary)? And since we may draw two radically di erent images, how can the third party identify pasta? How do we know that penne is the same level of pasta as ravioli or fusilli? What makes fettuccine not spaghetti? ese are the paradoxes that are being conquered by the might of these rst-year philosophy erudites.

is is the crux of their argument, but, naturally, the complexity has only been able to reach the small crowd who agree, as they exemplarily claim those who disagree to be “wrong, like, bro you’re wrong,” repeating this phrase verbatim at anyone who shudders a doubt at their argument.

Due to the extreme eloquence in their argument, UofT administration has agreed to the validity of the theory and now commands every dining hall and café present on campus to place spaghetti and lasagne as separate dishes that cannot be served under the same category as pasta.

In fact, they are introducing a course in the Fall 2023 session titled PST100: Pass the Pasta. e course will examine the entire construct of pasta as we thought we knew it and evaluate the determinants of what makes pasta, pasta. William and Devarya would be teaching it at least for the rst year, and both would critically study this conundrum among other controversies such as ‘hotdog isn’t a sandwich,’

‘croissants are better than baguettes,’ ‘pineapple on pizza is dessert,’ and ‘cucumbers are colder pickles’ in an attempt to immortalise their food knowledge.

“Lasagne is closer to a cake than to pasta,” says Devarya. To which William adds, “If spaghetti is pasta, is ramen too? Why is spaghetti more pasta than ramen?” Both have antagonised their peers.

e profound reactions include: “I’m morti ed for you both,” “Are you high?”, “I’m thinking about dropping ECO102,” and “My DoorDash order is ten minutes late bro.”

e UofT student community has expressed their deep concerns for this seemingly obnoxious theory proposed by these two, asking them to “just sleep please” and have sincerely requested them to step down from their research.

ey now await the reactions from pasta communities all across the world, while planning a summer abroad in Italy to take a break from the whole pasta dilemma and eat some burgers instead. ey were spotted on ursday before the philosophy lecture wearing badges calling themselves “snacks,” while their peers were seen weeping in exasperation.

When we asked them about their dedication towards the topic, they simply stated, “Never gonna give you up.”

Government spy pigeons go on strike

Toronto’s

demand better working conditions

Just this week, an informant from the government’s special surveillance department, employing hundreds of spy pigeons in major cities, leaked that the pigeons have unionised and are now going on strike. e Strand asked local union members for their thoughts and opinions.

“It’s really ****ing cold out here” said one member; “ ese bread crusts just aren’t cutting it anymore,” nodded another. Others are considering switching careers: “ ere’s only so much to report on the average Toronto mans. I think I would feel more ful lled as a carrier pigeon, but unfortunately the industry just isn’t

booming ever since Canada Post took over lettermail.” Toronto’s avian intelligence unit is the rst to unionise, but other cities may soon follow suit. “Our colleagues in New York are in a similar position, so we’ve been working together on collective bargaining strategies,” says the outreach spokespigeon.

Our expert translator, who chose to remain anonymous, has a very busy schedule watching birds all day in High Park, so these are the only comments we were able to translate. When we asked Gonzo Greenbeard, second assistant to the associate director of the Central Toronto spy pigeon unit, for comment, they simply nodded twice and made some intricate foot moves before strutting away, which can only be taken to mean “we demand living wages.”

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VOLUME 65

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HATER-IN-CHIEF stranded@thestrand.ca

WHIMSY COORDINATOR poetry@thestrand.ca

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KITTENS-IN-TRAINING

PSEUDO-ASSOCIATES

FEATURES

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ARTS AND CULTURE

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BREAKING: Vol. 65 EICs removed & replaced

JANNA ABBAS

RION LEVY

JANUS KWONG

VICTORIA ALLDER

ADAM LAM

MAX LEES

ABI AKINLADE

SAM ROSATI MARTIN

KIERAN GUIMOND

SARAH ABERNETHY

FAITH WERSHBA

ISHIKA RISHI

ROENSA SALIJA

CHLOE LOUNG

KELSEY PHUNG

SHELLEY YAO

VACANT

ISHA RIZWAN

RIYA UXA

ROMINA EMTYAZI SAKURA ARMSTRONG

OPINIONS

KALLIOPÉ ANVAR MCCALL

SCIENCE YUNA LEE

STRANDED CELENA HO

DESIGN WENDY WAN

POETRY EMMA MACKENZIE

LIVE FROM THE STRAND OFFICE: Volume 65 Mascot, Lucy, has been crowned the new Editorin-Chief of e Strand. Janna Abbas and Rion Levy, Volume 65’s Editors-in-Chief, have reportedly been forcibly removed from their positions as heads of e Strand. Rumours are circulating the halls of the Goldring Student Centre as to the reason why the EICs have been replaced by the furry, four-legged creature. When asked about the EICs’ misconduct, Lucy commented: “ ey weren’t real enough.” We attempted to get a comment from some of the masthead members on the situation, but they would only shake their heads and refuse to speak. However, some of them nally cracked and reluctantly nodded their heads in assent that the EICs had in fact not been real enough. ough, we must mention that some of them appeared to have various scratch marks on their arms…. Lucy denies the “gross allegations” that she’s responsible: “Is it because I’m a cat??!”

When asked for a statement, Abbas explained: “In our quest to not be too real, we ended up not being real enough.” Levy added: “We hope the next volume’s EICs are able to strike that balance—that’s if they can manage to oust the furry end… though, knowing her, I think it might be too late.”

Since taking her place in the o ce, Lucy has already made numerous changes (we think, based on our limited translation abilities), including: getting rid of the o ce computers and replacing them with

a series of cat trees, replacing all the old issues of e Strand with Churu cat treats and turning masthead o ce hours into nap hours. Her hold on the paper is already so strong that on the feedback form this week, one masthead member commented: “I have never loved coming into the o ce more than I do now!” In her latest move, Lucy has reached out to e Varsity’s mascot, o ering to help Shringle’s EIC campaign across campus, though no reply has been reported yet.

In this whacky, goofy, and very real issue, you can nd a myriad of satirical political takes in News, a poem which may or may not be written by ChatGPT in Poetry, and a very real ranking of the best virtual world games in Stranded. We hope this issue provides you with some much needed laughs and relief before exam period rears its ugly head. Additionally, we wanted to give a huge thank you to our Stranded Editor, Faith, and our Associate Stranded Editor, Celena, for all their help on this issue and for proving that Stranded is the realest section <3.

Before they got kicked out of the o ce, the nowousted EICs were heard saying: “We’ve loved being your Vol. 65 EICs; we’re proud of all the hard work you guys put into this very special volume.”

With lots of love and well wishes, Janna & Rion

Editor’s note: Lucy does not endorse this message.

BROOKE COLLINS , TANYA KOR , RACHEL KARN , SOFIJA STANKOVIC DESIGN TEAM

CHLOE LOUNG, WENDY WAN, RION LEVY, JANNA ABBAS JANUS KWONG

COVER ILLUSTRATION SHELLEY YAO

The

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Strand has been the newspaper of record for Victoria University since 1953. It is published 12 times a year with a circulation of 800 and is distributed in Victoria University buildings and across the University of Toronto’s St. George campus.

enjoys its editorial autonomy and is committed to acting as an agent of constructive social change. As such, we will not publish material deemed to exhibit racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, or other oppressive language.

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“They weren’t real enough.”

JANNA ABBAS AND RION LEVY CO-BOSSES

The realest moments at UofT St. George

As a graduating student, I’ve done my time at UofT. I sat through four difficult years of my undergrad (one year of which was completely online and done from my childhood bedroom), and I’ve paid my dues (tens of thousands of them, in fact)! As one last goodbye to the campus that brought me so many heart palpitations, I present to you: the realest moments at UofT St. George.

1: The opening of Robarts Commons

We’re coming in hot with the official unveiling of Robarts Commons. I was nearing the end of my third year when this was announced, and the best part of my year hands

all of my clothes, but the Bluetooth TV setup made it all worth it <3. The Commons will go down in history as Robarts’ younger, prettier sister, and the ideal linkup spot for those who love to wait 40 minutes in line for Starbucks, open their MacBooks, and promptly begin gossiping and kiki-ing instead of studying for midterms they have the following day.

2: PP Man

If you know, you know, and if you don’t, consider yourself extremely lucky. Back when I was in first year (alllllll the way back in 2019), there was a man terrorising the streets of Toronto (and our very own Robarts) by going around and throwing literal buckets of shit on people. There was a notice sent out to UofT students to be on the lookout and the perpetrator was eventually apprehended, but not before striking fear into the hearts of students everywhere. My brain has forced me to mostly block this memory out for the sake of my own well-being so there’s not much more I’ll say on the matter, but it is still very much Googleable (at your own risk).

3: OVO Merch

Everyone knows where they were when Drake announced that his clothing brand OVO would be collaborating with the UofT Bookstore to release limited edition merch. I, for one, opened the website on my phone, saw the price of one t-shirt (plus shipping), and immediately closed the tab, but shoutout to those who had enough money in their bank account to partake! The most entertaining part of the whole thing for me was seeing how much people were reselling baseball hats and Varsity jackets for on Facebook marketplace, and the memes that UofT students made making fun of TMU for not being chosen to have their own collab. We all know that if there’s one thing UofT students know how to do, it’s brag.

4: The Brown Food Truck

scattered Second Cups, we should all strive to be as solid and stable as the fabled Brown Food Truck.

While this is by no means an exhaustive list, it is the best I can come up with with my currently senioritis-addled brain. I hope this will suffice as a silly little tribute to the campus that I love to hate :) Goodbye St. George, I’ll miss you!

down was meeting up with my friends every single day during exams season to monopolise the study rooms for ten hours at a time (you didn’t hear that from me). The opening of Robarts Commons was a shift in UofT culture. No longer would we be forced to slave away in the hideous concrete labyrinth that is Robarts, trying futilely to memorise the RNA cycle in rooms that smelled like mothballs and had no windows. All of a sudden, studying could include sunlight! Floor-to-ceiling windows! Comfy seating! Of course, the thermometer was busted for the first few months of the grand opening and I was sweating through

Admittedly, this one isn’t a “moment” so much as a permanent fixture of our campus, but I couldn’t write an article without mentioning it anyways. Given that St. George is one of the few college campuses (probably ever) to have no centralised, universal location for students to be able to buy food, the food trucks have become many students’ only option when they’re going on hour seven of a Robarts study session or walking blearyeyed out of back-to-back classes at Sid Smith. Although I personally have never bought food from the Brown Food Truck, I know from word-of-mouth alone that it will go down in history as one of the best food trucks

The good, the bad, and the ugly…

PHOTO | NETFLIX

PHOTO | A.S.A.

PHOTO | A.S.A.

PHOTO | A.S.A.

Reflecting on the Oscars 2023

KALLIOPÉ ANVAR MCCALL PSEUDO-SJW

If your 'For You' page is anything like mine, you have no doubt been absolutely INUNDATED this past week with hundreds and hundreds of glitzy pics of celebrities walking the not-so-red carpet at the 95th Annual Oscars. Like me, you've passively watched thousands of clips of every out t, dress, and shoe, of every multimillion dollar piece of jewelry, and of every detail of every interview being scrutinised for gossip. I am sorry. You must be exhausted.

And your exhaustion is normal. You've been ooded with countless photos and videos that keep screaming one thing at you: money, money, money, money! So much money being shoved in your face! e Oscars red carpet is a competition of wealth. Who has the most expensive dress? Who has the heels that make everyone gasp? Who has the rarest piece of haute couture that took twelve hundred hours of painful hand stitching to make? Walking the red carpet is becoming less and less a ordable, and it's coming at the cost of fashion. Of art.

To be clear, this is not a rant about how much I miss the good ol' days of the Oscars. e ol' days were indubitably worse. But there is something about the way Hollywood award shows used to be done that I miss. I miss the events before stylists. I miss the stars who wore shitty o -the-rack out ts. I miss the stars who did their own makeup, their own hair, and showered without assistance. It was trashy, it was fun, it was playful. Today, everyone looks too perfect; it's creepy. Every celebrity has that same skin-and-bone, Bambi-eyed, deer-in-theheadlights look.

But at the same time, there was a lot to celebrate this year at the Oscars. Ke Huy Quan jumping up and down made everyone happy. Michelle Yeoh is the rst Asian woman to win Best Actress. Everything, Everywhere All at Once, the movie Yeoh won her Oscar for, was so good. I cried the whole time. Ruth E. Carter is the rst Black woman to win two Oscars for best costume design—one in 2019 for Black Panther and one this year for Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. I want to celebrate these

moments, to give them the space they deserve.

How can we hold these two forces within us? My anger towards this ridiculous display of wealth and my delight at watching some of my favourite actors march proudly onstage? I want to critique Black and Asian exceptionalism— the assumption that people of colour have to be exceptionally talented, educated or beautiful to have a place at the Oscars, an event that has always celebrated White mediocrity. But I also want to recognise the beauty of these rsts. Can the system be separated from its participants? I don't know. But I do know that I will continue to watch the Oscars every year, because I can't help but gawk and shriek and cry and scream at the screen.

The displays of wealth on the red carpet exhaust me, but there was a lot to celebrate this year!

Best virtual world games, according to The Strand's most chronically online writer

The consequences of unlimited screen time

As a consequence of being chronically online since the ripe age of six and, hence, not playing outside as a kid, I have developed quite a re ned taste for virtual world games from the early- to mid-2010s. Considering how ugly the Metaverse graphics are, Mark Zuckerberg could learn a thing or two from this list.

Poptropica

★★★

e main draw of Poptropica is its seemingly in nite number of worlds to explore (which I love), but my sheer lack of skill in platform games has dropped Poptropica to fth place in this list. I have ragequit many times in my attempt to beat “Game Show Island” (I still have not yet succeeded). Also, in relation to other games, the character customisation options are lacklustre. e children yearn for the shops…

Club Penguin

★★★

A certi ed classic. “Card-Jitsu” was insanely fun and so were the Secret Agent quests. e quality of minigames in Club Penguin was toptier, and meeting the Teen Beach Movie characters in penguin-form during the summer of 2013 was the highlight of my life. However, I will say that it is genuinely impossible to communicate in any constructive way in this game without being sniped by the moderators. is violation of my penguin-given First Amendment rights knocks an entire star from my rating.

Animal Jam

★★★★

A valiant e ort from National Geographic to teach children about zoology turned into a capitalist hellscape in which the worth of each player is calculated by the number of spikes and den betas in their possession—nothing else could so perfectly encapsulate our present reality. Minigames and adventures are fun, but the most thrilling part of this game is participating in the trading economy (hit me up if you’ve got a purple worn blanket). I will admit, I have roleplayed Warrior Cats on Animal Jam during a dark time in my past. Look, we’ve all been there.

Build-a-Bearville

is was an underrated game, which has constantly been excluded from the conversation, despite the game truly having everything you could want: expansive worlds, entertaining minigames, great character and home customisation, and enjoyable seasonal events. However, you may want to take my opinion with a grain of salt because I had a grand total of EIGHT Build-a-Bears, so I was swimming in Bear Bills— lthy rich (or, in bear terms, part of the bear-geoisie).

Now, before I reveal my pick for best virtual world game, I’ll be giving a shout-out to some honourable mentions that haven’t quite made it onto this list, yet remain in our hearts.

Webkinz: To this day, I still yearn for the Crown of Wonder from the Curio Shop. Side note: I think all my Webkinz are probably dead at this point. RIP!

Innerstar University: e minigames were fun, but one question remains in my mind: Why are American Girl dolls in university? Are they not canonically pre-teens? Are a couple of 18-inch DOLLS outsmarting me?

Roblox: Sadly, I decided not to include Roblox in this list because it’s technically not a game, but rather a gaming platform. Like I said, ol’ Zuck could learn a lot from this list. To be frank, I still play Roblox to this day and continue to beat all the 10-year-olds at Epic Minigames (I am a very cool, well-adjusted adult).

MovieStarPlanet

Unlike other games, MovieStarPlanet did not hide its true money-grabbing character under the guise of family-friendly, educational values; its tagline was quite literally “fame and fortune.” One unique feature of this game was that you could make your own movies, which I enjoyed; however, I was more interested in MSP’s extremely large clothing catalogue and lax censorship rules. When I wasn’t duking it out in the forums after someone called my avatar’s out t ugly, I was keeping up with ghts between high-level players, which probably foreshadowed my interest in celebrity drama. In retrospect, MovieStarPlanet being my favourite virtual world was probably not a great indicator of my childhood morals.

AUDREY LAI STAFF WRITER

ILLUSTRATION | MARIA VIDAL VALDESPINO

Dean of Shmoooodents Kenneth Palace forces vegan students to eat chicken nuggets during mental health crises

Vic students have long sought after the mysterious reason our Dean of Shmoooodents Kenneth Palace made the move from his beloved Woodsworth College. Since he loves to refer to his time at the other college so fondly as if it were yesterday, it may surprise students that he has been a part of our college for over a decade and has had a signi cant hand in shaping student life and Dean’s O ce policies. Other students around Vic have questioned this narrative due to how the Dean of Shmoooodents’ o ce has been notoriously reluctant to con rm whether or not it has policies in the rst place. Numerous theories have arisen in place of an o cial explanation for how we ended up with our current Dean of Shmoooodents' O ce head, but the truth has recently been uncovered by the Dean’s O ce Oversight Division after receiving many anonymous tips from current and former students and faculty.

e Dean’s O ce Oversight Division (DOOD), in a thousand-page report, has concluded that the reason Dean Palace left his position at Woodsworth College is that he repeatedly forced vegan students to eat chicken nuggets, a practice which he has been allegedly continuing here at Vic.* Witnesses of

this practice have described it as malicious, but not delicious. Research has shown that chicken nuggets are generally not the food of choice for vegans.

Students have described turning to the Dean’s O ce in times of crisis, only to have Dean Palace call the campus’ chicken nugget ‘safety’ force, which, as Dean Palace often stresses, is technically separate from the Toronto Chicken Force. Allegedly, Dean Palace has been known to promise a ‘chickening’ to students if they are undergoing a mental health crisis. When student activists pressed him on this issue, Palace said he was “just joshing around,” despite the very real threat to students and the fact that chicken nuggets are not appropriately trained to deal with mental health crises.

During his report at the most recent fall Caucus, Dean Palace attempted to get ahead of the accusations by stating that “student activists'' have been crafting a narrative that the Dean of Shmoooodents’s O ce always gives vegan students chicken nuggets, when “in reality” it only occurs “rarely” and under what he determines to be “extreme circumstances.”

Student leaders have countered that in icting this experience onto any student poses a serious ethical issue and has proven not to help students

in crisis, but rather make situations worse.

Conversely, Dean Palace stated in the winter Caucus that no such thing had ever occurred and that he had “never heard” of these chicken nugget incidents, despite his earlier claims and the leftovers strewn around Goldring. “I would never threaten a student with a chickening! Who said that?” said Palace.

e problem of chickens on campus is systemic, and not limited to the O ce of the Dean of Schmoooodents. is kind of response to a mental health crisis doesn’t just a ect the ‘chickened,’ but the entire ock. e greasy smell of fried chicken permeates around the entire college, even when a single student is forced to scarf the plate down.

is situation is ongoing as student leaders are examining the university’s approach to handling these crises, but Dean Palace a rms that the chicken nugget approach is the best practice for the well-being of students.

* is piece is satirical: to the best of our knowledge, no vegans at Vic have been force fed chicken nuggets by any member of the administration. Please treat this only as the piece of satire this is, and bon appetit! ;)

‘Chickening’ practices revealed in DOOD report

ILLUSTRATION | CHELSEY WANG

DEAN’S OFFICE OVERSIGHT DIVISION (DOOD) CONTRIBUTOR

Jubilation and dismay as Vic reckons with the end of SOOSAC

Real student testimony, even realer president

Tears (happy and sad) have been owing copiously from every corner of Goldring this month, as Vic students imagine what life might be like when Sooyeon Lee*, VUSAC’s president, has left her post. As VUSAC president, Lee has overseen a number of transformative policies, such as seamlessly integrating in-person student programming and events for the rst time in three years, advocating for and e ectuating greater equity in Vic syllabi, and (trying) to prevent her friends from stealing VUSAC merch.

However, nobody’s perfect. As with every leader, Lee’s visionary policies have been polarising. Many students have rejoiced, but many others have dissented. ese are their stories:

A survey conducted by e Strand produced stunning results: when asked the seemingly simple question “Is Soo real?” a frightening 50% responded with “I genuinely fear for my life if Soo gures out I lled out this form.” A measly 28.6% of respondents answered that their president was in fact real, and one dissenting voice o ered that “she takes over 24 hours to post on BeReal (more than once!) #befake.”

is is concerning, to say the least. To say the most, Lee’s tyrannical reign has contributed to the su ering of some of our realest students. One terri ed student (he was literally shaking and crying and pissing as he spoke to us, but I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone) identi ed only as ‘Leeeeeummmmmm,’ said that President Lee “created a bullying campaign against me. She took a conversation she and I had and turned it into a song, exposing our conversation to everyone and publicly humiliating me in front of all my friends. She still shows this song to people, and they all laugh at me. It really hurts.” He also o ered that “She once said I was stupid and ugly and hit me in the face.”

‘Ur mom’ bravely ventured that “the matriarch was a vibe for a while, but it’s not representative of real society,” and ‘neal mcbeal the navy seal’ said “bye felicia.”

Uh ohh, spaghetti-o! Let’s see what other,

realer students have to say. A disgruntled and ghostly groundhog called ‘Staten Island Chuck’ came to e Strand from beyond the grave to tell his story. When asked how he has been a ected by President Lee, he responded simply with “murder.” Staten Island Chuck spun his tragic tale: “I was minding my own business planning to announce an early spring when President Lee supposedly tripped on stage, launching my small groundhog body into the crowd where I perished.” As if that isn’t heinous enough, the u y rodent opined that “realising her blunder, she attempted to cover it up by replacing me with my granddaughter, Staten Island Charlotte, but I will not let the world be fooled!! President Lee is a grurderer (groundhog murderer).” Truly bone-chilling behaviour from our so-called representative…. Staten Island Chuck promised revenge on VUSAC’s resident grurderer, and is clearly not surprised by Lee’s ability and desire to end groundhog lives.

Some students had less consequential complaints. For example, ‘ewica’ wrongly suggested “did you know soo was short for susan?” After a laborious fact-checking process, our journalists con rmed that Soo is not short for Susan.

Even celebrities weighed in on the issue. e Strand caught up with longtime friend Andrew Gar eld, who wanted to share his story. Gar eld said “after lming Spider-Man, I was touring around Canada, when Soo ran up to me with a tin of food in her hand. inking she was just another fan, I asked if she wanted a sel e. She looked into my eyes and said ‘no, you’re Gar eld right? You love lasagna. I made you some. Please eat it.’ Not wanting to be rude, I took some bites. Except, it had been sitting outside in the hot summer sun for hours waiting for me, so

the lasagna had gone bad. I immediately started throwing up violently in Grange Park.”

Gar eld continued with his harrowing story, saying “she looked at me, vomiting up my insides and said ‘oh no, garfy barfy?’ and then told me Tom Holland was the most attractive SpiderMan.”

Lee has been widely known for her tactics of humiliation towards celebrities. Notoriously, Elton John himself has been victim to the tomfoolery of our student ruler. Sir Elton Hercules John CH CBE told e Strand that “She thought I was heterosexual. She came up to me and said 'what's up hetero how's life seducing women' then started breakdancing.” When asked what his feelings were now that Lee’s reign was over, Sir John said he was “free to be me #lovewins #legalizedlgbt.” Sir Elton o ered a parting message of “rocket maaaaaan.”

One sneaky student, who identi ed themself as ‘Pgrata or Agrato (whichever hides my identity more)’ said that they were left “Quivering in fear” by Lee’s antics.

Enough said, really. More than enough even! Real students have spoken, and a realer president was reached out to for comment. e infamous leader at rst declined to comment, pointed a twig at me and yelled “AVADA KEDAVRA” to escape the interview. Later, she threw the body of Staten Island Charlotte into e Strand’s o ce as retaliation…

On a serious note, one disgruntled administrator was heard complaining that this was the “most horrible, terrible, up-to-no good year of VUSAC ever,” which con rms that Lee’s presidency achieved its goal of championing and empowering students.

It looks like Shane Joy (JOYSAC), Michael Elsaesser (ELSAC), and Jackson Leslie (JACKSAC) are the candidates for next year’s presidency…. Needless to say, the beleaguered student body is in for another brutal year of VUSAC’s in nite power and in uence.

* is piece is entirely satirical and has been written with the consent of Sooyeon Lee.

ILLUSTRATION | SHELLEY YAO

THE STUDENT BODY CONTRIBUTOR

Romantic situationship

Disclaimer: Reader discretion advised. e content of this article aims to help exercise your faculty of judgement, reason, and scienti c/academic background.

After conducting a rigorous review process for two weeks, the primary investigators of the inquiry into situationships reach the conclusion that ‘situationship,’ a word that comes from ‘relationship,’ engages heavily with semantics and human signifying processes. A number of key themes were identi ed through the text-based interviews conducted via Instagram:

1. ‘FWB’ (Friends with Bene ts), sexual connotations, intimacy

2. Love, romantic, emotional connection

3. More, plus, di erent

4. Relationship, going out, dating

5. Friendship

6. Negative sentiments (e.g. concern, vulnerable, fear, stigma and promiscuity, imbalance, sticky, unsure, inconsistent, di cult, adverse)

7. Semantics (e.g. know, signals, de nition, say/regard, interpret, literal(ly))

Although the primary investigators will not go over each of the categories, we have identi ed that the word ‘situationship’ arises from a need to de ne the unde nable. e de nition and understanding of situationship range from being closer to a friendship, to a relationship, and to uncharted territory (Figure 1). Engaging a Derridean lens of analysis, the properties of

the signi er are more important than one may think. e word situationship is fundamentally built on the word relationship, with the su x ‘ship’ attached to the noun ‘situation,’ forming a new noun that denotes a property or state of being. us, as one interviewee argues, “BY DEFINITION and nothing else,” the term “literally doesn’t mean anything else other than the status quo” (Interview 2023). e signifying di erence connoted by the word situationship is accompanied by the constant deference of meaning—it engages in a verbal and interpretative play with other more clearly de ned stages in a romantic/non-romantic relationship between two parties. However, this relative clarity may also be an illusionary false promise as they, too, engage in a verbal and interpretative signifying play with the signi ed ‘real life’ context-scenario, other signi ers, and economic socio-cultural contexts.

However, as seen in Figure 1, when the responses are charted on a spectrum, there are clusters around FWB and dating, with romantic implications, and there is a clear attempt in de ning what does not exist. is re ects a need to use language to re ect a phenomenon, as the term ‘situationship’ enters the vocabulary of

younger generations. One interviewee also identi ed a possible correlation between the zeitgeist of the existential angst of teenagers of this generation who grew up in an increasingly complex, interconnected, and information/media-bombarded environment. is angst can be explained as being re ected through the rejection of “traditional conformities of a traditional relationship; labelled as such by Western societal standards” (Interview 2023). Although arguments can be made that teenagers across all temporal-spatial axes are universally weary of commitment and unable to de ne it clearly—as one respondent put it, “a general fear of intimacy and commitment of the generation that coined it” (Interview 2023). is argument may be criticised as generalising, having reductionist properties, and overly seeking commonalities across the temporal-spatial axes of things. Finally, when being compared to a relationship, there seems to be a lack of a clear de nable ‘we’ in situationships. What seems to be in place instead is two individuals who are connected by ambiguity.

It has been far too long that we have been living a lie—the Earth is, and will remain, FLAT.

Yes, the reports are wrong. Yes, the images are all photoshopped.

Yes, the Earth is indeed at, like a pancake.

Since time immemorial, people who have believed in the Earth being a at disc, not a ‘geoid,’ have been ridiculed and called ‘lunatics’ for their assumptions. But it is time we acknowledge that the Earth is indeed at. Researchers from the University of Malta have collected information over the

span of 50 years, which proves that the Earth is at—their research was underfunded and was skeptically received, but they did it anyway—collecting data from all around the world, ultimately ending right where they started. While such ground-breaking, earth-shattering research was going on, everything had to be kept under wraps, as they were worried that people would not understand and treat this extremely important discovery as a scam.

According to Zetetic Astronomy—the belief system of Samuel Rowbotham, famously known as the founder of the what would become the Flat Earth Society in the 1800s— the Earth is actually a at disc, centred at the North Pole and bound on the sides by large walls of ice and glaciers, with other celestial bodies only a few thousand miles away. is branch of astronomy has its roots in a translation of the Bible where the Earth was created as “the Firmament,” or a at surface covered by a dome. Even though our religious cosmology talks about the nature of at Earth, we are too blind to believe it.

Some people say that it is possible to notice the curvature of Earth from certain places on Earth, which is a clear indication of how blind people can be in their assumptions and their ‘evidence.’ Clearly, this so-called curvature of the Earth is a mirage, or a visual deception—when we truly want something to be true, our mind plays tricks on us (not me though). In this process, we fail to see what is right there in front of us. If the Earth was truly “round,” how come we can see buildings standing straight?? How come we are able to walk in a straight line without veering to the ‘centre?’ Oh,

well, thank you for bringing up gravity—tell me this: why is a magnet, an object whose purpose is to attract other metallic objects, and the clue to our tangible understanding of gravity, not round? Important gures such as the rapper B. o. B., too, believe that the Earth is truly at. is is not a conspiracy, this is blatant denial of a hard-to-swallow pill—reality.

Why is it that we are so afraid of admitting the truth? What is so wrong with the Earth being at, especially when it is the answer to most of our burning questions? Does this have to do with the fact that the human brain looks for curvature in everything they desire—their foods and produce, their bodies, and now even their planet?! It is perhaps due to this ignorance of ours that Earth’s tourism from other planets has decreased drastically—even our fellow Martian friends have said, “It is because of you Earthlings’ stupidity that we do not want to visit you anymore. And technology has only made you stupider. Shame.”

e rise of Photoshop has brainwashed people across the planet—the images from space (for the amount of littering that occurs, the ‘Earth’ sure looks clean from up there), the pictures of ships on ‘horizons’ (that’s the edge of the Earth, people—an actual, straight edge), and pictures of Everest (which is just the tall edge of our glacial walls). But now, people are starting to realise the truth, and are gaining the courage to accept it. For those who are daring enough to see and experience the truth, the Flat Earth Society opens its arms far and wide to you, accepting people from all around the globe.

“It’s just vibes”

FIGURE 1 | ZHEHUI CICI XIE

Truth unboxed: the Earth is flat!

A highly investigative take on Flat Earth, and a recognition of the truths of Flat Earthers from around the globe

ZHEHUI CICI XIE AND AMELIA COLLET PRIMARY INVESTIGATORS

ILLUSTRATION | SHIVANGI ROY

KIERAN GUIMOND SUPERVISOR

Stories @ Vic: A day in the life of being a Hater

Do you like Phil Collins ?

CELENA HO HATER-IN-CHIEF

When my alarm goes o at 9 am sharp, I let it ring once before turning it o because I hate it. I’ll get out of bed and open the curtains; I think a cloudy day is the perfect weather to be a hater. But really, any day is a good day to be a hater. People say ‘hate’ is a strong word, but I hate that. No other word can encapsulate how I feel about things. I believe in taking care of myself and being a hater is one of my many self-care steps. ere is an idea of Celena Ho; smart, funny, pretty, ambitious, hilarious, entertaining, charming, inspiring, original, witty, attractive, hot, stunning, talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, and completely not ever been done before. But there is no *real* me. She doesn’t exist. I am merely an entity.

I start every morning with a 10 km run and an ice bath for my joints when I’m nished. When I get into the bathroom, I brush my teeth with an electric toothbrush and whatever blue paste my mother buys from the store. I brush for exactly 30 seconds on each side, top and bottom. I need them to be presentable for the day of hating that I have ahead of me. I’ll then wash my face with a thirteen-dollar cleanser because I hate spending a lot of money on skincare. Being a hater is frowned upon, but I think people should be more open with hating. It keeps me young.

en I leave the house for class. ere’s nothing I hate more than the TTC, but I take it so that I appear humble. When I get to class I pick a nemesis, except that they don’t know it. Every time they raise their hand my blood boils. “I wrote about this in an essay if anyone wants to read it,” she says. Ugh. I can’t believe her. “What’s your plan to defeat her?” my friend asks. He’s a hater too.

We hate on things together, but what he doesn’t know is that I hate him more. He could never hate the sheer amount of things that I do. He wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be me. I tell him that I plan to be better. I do all of my readings on time, I go to class and have awless attendance. I contribute to the class discussion with insightful comments, I ask inquisitive questions and impress the teacher. I study really hard for the nal exam and do better than her. It’s silent and goes unnoticed but at least in my head, I’m better than her at her own game. I live out of spite and pure rage.

I’m a hater. Sue me. ere’s a pool of things that I will always hate. It depends on the day but everyone and everything has their chance. e “friend” that unfollowed me on TikTok for no reason. e architecture of Sidney Smith Hall. When my tote bag slips o my shoulder for the millionth time. People that walk in the middle of the sidewalk really slowly. I hold several years worth of hatred for someone I knew from high school. He unfollowed and blocked literally everyone after graduation. I see him on campus and ash him a smile, I even address him by name. He doesn’t know what I know. I go to sleep at night knowing that several people in this world hate me, but I’m lulled to a restful slumber knowing that I hate them more. It comforts me knowing that my ex

Influencers are Real

A guide to becoming like your favourite influencer

I have been a social media agent long enough to actually know a thing or two about it. I have seen enough in uencers rising to fame and getting cancelled. I think as a social media connoisseur, I might have cracked the code to always remaining in the limelight. So, if there are any newbie in uencers reading this, take notes please!

Now, I love TikTok as much as the next person, but there’s nothing I love more than the drama on that app (free entertainment goals honestly). I thrive on it, and I will ALWAYS be present at the scene of the crime. Did you know a beauty in uencer was using false lashes to advertise a mascara because it is THAT GOOD girlies!! Okay, hear me out, this is absolutely genius because you’re getting the best of both worlds: a brand deal and an

insane amount of views. It is the perfect way to become a viral internet sensation. e best part is that it’s a lot easier than putting in the actual e ort. So, the next time you even think about going that extra mile for content creation, just take the shortcut. Forget about ‘go big or go home’ because it’s all about gaslighting now.

My favourite thing from an in uencer’s life is the apology videos. e fake tears and fake apologies are so good that I eat it up every single time a new one drops. ese videos are brilliant, and will always score you a top spot on the trending list. You will always get views and your ten minutes of fame. Apology videos will always be loved by me, and they will always be special to me. More in uencers should be making these videos whenever they mess up because it’s literal gold. I will never not randomly quote “and you did it at my birthday dinner.” (If you know, you know.)

can never listen to a Taylor Swift song without thinking about me. I continue to live out of spite because that is the only way to live.

I think people should be haters more. It’s freeing. I’m not being a hater, I’m being real and honest. People need to know that they’re a walking ick. Isn’t honesty the best policy? Who doesn’t want to be seen as honest and trustworthy? When people tell me that they trust my opinion, my lifespan is extended by ve years. When you’re a hater, you live longer. Haters outlive optimists or whatever the saying is. Being a hater keeps my skin clear and my crops thriving. It’s the real me. I can’t hide my true colours anymore. If there’s 1,000 haters in the world, I’m one of them. If there are zero haters in the world, I’m dead. On the outside, I look like a human being. I have blood, skin, hair; but not a single emotion, except for hatred. You can shake my hand and feel the warmth of my esh, but I am simply not Celena. I am a hater.

You know what is one step ahead of apology videos? It’s apologising through the Notes app. Nothing can ever top this. Writing the most generic apology on your phone’s Notes app, taking a screenshot, and then posting it on every social media platform?? is is revolutionary, life-changing, astonishing, and never seen before. It's so easy that it almost seems too good to be true, people call it the fakest thing, but it has always been real. So, next time you mess up, just write I’m sorry on your Notes app, post it on every single social media platform, and let it work its charm.

If you want to be an in uencer who is in uencering (yes this is a word now), the key is to gaslight your audience and get that bag. None of it is fake, it is the real way to go. If any of my advice goes wrong, just know that I'll have my Notes app apology ready!

ILLUSTRATION | YOON-JI KWEON

ISHA RIZWAN INFLUENCER

Have you seen these?!?

Underappreciated movies YOU have to watch before you die

Out of the hundreds of lms that come out every year, there will obviously be some that fall through the cracks and are underappreciated by everyone except the utmost cinephile. As someone who enjoys consuming the most niche content I can nd, I feel as though I am the correct person to make this list.

Frankenstein (2015), dir. Guillermo del Toro

I should give you a warning ahead of time that this is not a ‘good’ lm. However, it is the lm that I have seen the most times over the past few years, so I feel the need to share it with the crowd. is is not the most book-accurate version of Frankenstein, but it makes up for it with the casting of Hugh Dancy as the monster, who is simply too attractive for the story to make sense. It’s got everything you could want: homoerotic tension, Hugh Dancy catching a deer with his bare hands, and Victor getting eaten by a polar bear at the end?? 10/10 cinematic experience.

Life Beyond the Void (1984), dir. Ridley Scott

is is an adaptation of a Japanese short story that was published in the 1950s, which never gained much popularity in North America. Blade Runner (1982) had recently been released, so the public was excited to see where Scott would take the story. What they got instead was one of the densest sci- plots I have ever witnessed. e writer had a background in physics and engineering, and it shines through. e lm drew inspiration from some other major science ction concepts at the time—the dangers of rapidly evolving technology and the ethics behind it. However, it is also somehow the most homophobic lm I have ever watched in my life, which of course means it has become a queer cult classic.

Secrets of Tomorrow (1947), dir. Alfred Hitchcock

My friend recommended this one to me as I don’t tend to be one for crime dramas. is lm is about a rivalry between two private detective rms, and at rst appears to be a straight-forward mystery. But as the plot unfolds, you learn that the real protagonists are the receptionists at the two rms. e two women are lovers and are plotting together to try and destroy the rms from the inside, and then run o into the sunset with all the money. Surprisingly, the portrayal of their relationship is quite well done for the 1940s.

It Chapter Two–Alternative Version (2019), dir. Andy Muschietti

So technically this lm never had a public release, but it is possible to nd a version that was leaked online. Spoilers for a book that came out over 30 years ago, but at the end of It Chapter Two, one of the main characters—Eddie Kaspbrak—gets killed by Pennywise. is occurred in the original 1986 story, and many were hoping that this writing decision would be changed in the new adaptation. Our prayers were answered by this four-hour long alternative version. In this version, not only does Eddie not die, but the relationships between all the

characters are expanded upon and the ending is much more cohesive.

Goncharov (1973), dir. Martin Scorsese and Matteo JWHJ0715

is lm is celebrating its 50th anniversary this year, and as such, has recently received an uptick in popularity. is lm—starring Robert De Niro and Al Pacino—is a ma a ick that follows the titular Goncharov, who is a Russian hitman living in Italy with his wife after the fall of the Soviet Union. e lm explores themes of grief, betrayal, and the idea of ‘running out of time,’ using clocks as a frequent motif. e highlight of the lm is right near the end when the iconic line, “If we were in love, you wouldn’t have missed,” is spoken. I don’t want to spoil too much, but this is truly an underappreciated gem that everyone should go watch.

Now, here is a list of upcoming lms coming out in the next few months that I am looking forward to:

Footnotes dir. Quentin Tarantino: Follows a foot model who is down on her luck.

Bisexual Mothman Mailman Makes a Special Delivery In Our Butts dir. Edgar Wright: Based o of the Chuck Tingle book of the same name. I think this one is quite self-explanatory.

Gut the Pig dir. Hayao Miyazaki: Marketed as the “scariest movie of 2023,” it’s about a butcher who ends up in an embezzlement scheme and realises she's in over her head.

e Magnus Archives dir. Bong Joon-ho: An adaptation of the horror podcast of the same name, follows an archivist in London who works in an institution that studies the paranormal.

e Legends of Camelot, dir. Greta Gerwig: An Arthurian retelling, follows Arthur, Guinevere, and Lancelot as they try to deal with running a kingdom and their love for each other.

This is real, this is The Strand Vol. 65

Mitchie Torres wishes she was this real

THE FARTS & CULTS TEAM

Your #1 Most Real Moment

- at time me and Sam cleaned the o ceRion (co-boss)

- After I saw my article published in A&C, I realised it was real - Adam Lam (Webbed Up) - at time I got 100 matches o of “Date the Strand” ... Y'all are too attering - Lucila (Editor-in-Chief)

- Having no allergies #nuts #shell sh #dairy - Sam (SOOSAC Correspondent)

- Bestie, I don't know what this meansRoensa (Senior Comma Cowboy)

- Crying in Burwash <3 - Faith (Stranded Editor)

- Putting on a one-woman show of Les Mis to a group of people who had never heard/seen it, the one and only time I've ever been drunkMikaela (Arts and Witchcraft Associate Editor)

- Dropping a course (or three) - Shelley (Visual Defamer)

- Wearing a banana costume to face my fears - Ishika (Whimsy Coordinator)

- Violently (and loudly) sobbing and crying in the middle of Emmanuel College at 10 am on a Tuesday <3 - Janna Abbas (Co-Boss)

- Breaking into e Strand o ce to get snacks - Kieran Guimond (Scientologist)

- Getting followed by Niall Horan on Twitter - Isha (In uencer)

- Jamming a 16-mm lm reel inside a projector and destroying it in the process of shing it out, having to replace the wreck with nine carefully bonded Fruit Roll Ups - Eugene (Associate Creatures Editor)

- When I started walking into tra c and my friend had to pull me back - Celena (Hater-inChief)

Your #1 Most Not-Real Moment

- at time Sam and I cleared dead ies o the windowsill - Rion

- I realised my eyes are real, which meant that mirrors are also real - Adam Lam

- When we went to outer space for a cover shot - Lucila

- Being born in Washington D.C. during the Bush administration :( - Sam

- I am always real how dare u suggest otherwise - Faith

- Pretending I did the readings in tutorial discussion by using context clues from my classmates’ answers - Mikaela

- When I spilled "Souper Soup" all over my clothes :(( - Janna

- Getting followed by Niall Horan on Twitter (turns out it was an impersonator with an extra ‘l’ in the username and I’m dumb!!)Isha

- Conveniently leaving out the fact that my high daily protein intake comes from gobbling up silver sh that enter my dorm room - Eugene

- Exclusively dating comp sci majorsCelena

To me, authenticity is…

- Being able to deal with whatever the fuck was in that garbage can - Rion

- Being the realest - Adam Lam

- Being able to take a nap wherever you want whenever you want - Lucila

- Admitting your aws if you have any - Sam

- A perfume? - Roensa

- Oversharing on Ca ends shifts every week - Faith

- Making the Care Bear that you resonate with the most your whole personality - Mikaela

- Telling my professor that yes, I did do the reading - Kieran

- Biting through a KitKat bar whole, not breaking it into those silly bars like a wussIshika

- Taking your BeReal with zero retakes - Isha

- Very important when buying items o of Grailed. You don’t want to be duped into buying fakes! - Eugene

- Being a hater - Celena

Something you believe is not real

- Whatever the fuck was in that garbage can - Rion

- Being real - Adam Lam

- Pigeons - Lucila

- My aws - Sam

- Stocks. Where does all the money go???Faith

- e so-called 'necessity' of pre-heating an oven. Why 'pre' if it'll still 'heat'?? - Roensa

- Our EICs - Kieran

- Quokkas. I've never seen one in real life. You've never seen one in real life. ey're too cute to be true - Mikaela

- Work-life balance - Shelley

- Scurvy - Ishika

- Burwash Dining Hall. Since Vic won't let me in (#justcommuterthings), I'm starting to think it's not a real place - Janna

- Stress free life :) - Isha

- Everything is real if you choose it to be #BelieveInYourself - Eugene

- Tax evasion - Celena

Your #1 tip for being the realest you possible

- Bite your tongue and sing! - Rion

- Be real - Adam Lam

- To keep it real, make sure you're keeping your eyes out for the cheese grater. at means good stu is about to fall on the oor - Lucila

- Delusion! - Sam

- Live laugh love - Faith

- Skipping your classes when they are boring! Live, laugh, love babeyyy - Janna

- Indulge <3 - Shelley

- Nothing matters, live your life - Kieran

- Just be delusional, the joke will write itself (whoops) - Isha

- Open Pinterest, look up your favourite noun + “aesthetic,” hit search, then base your entire personality and life o of the images that pop up! - Eugene

- Be a hater loudly and proudly - Celena

One thing Victoria College should make real

- Pigeons - Rion

- Reality - Adam Lam

- I think Vic should remove their no-pets policy. I feel excluded from campus life - Lucila

- Divestment - Sam

- Actual scholarship opportunities and nancial aid for international students :’)Faith

- Sit-in seating at the Northrop McDonald's rather than just a to-go counter - Mikaela

- My leftover meal plan money from last year - Shelley

- Stop the chickening of students (see: SOOSAC) - Ishika

- Ned's serving ANYTHING other than pasta, I am begging - Janna

- e Northrop Frye statue (he should come to life) - Kieran

- Kind treatment towards university students

- Eugene

- An airport walkway that connects to Sid Smith - Celena

e best Ned's secret menu item

- e free tea bags - Rion

- e Strand - Adam Lam

- Bowls of milk - Lucila

- Not a secret but… Ned’s water - Faith

- Gasoline - Shelley

- e purple sauce - Ishika

- e crispy water (which sadly doesn’t hit anymore) - Isha

- Tomato Aspic (lemon Jell-O, tomato juice, hot sauce, and vinegar). So light and refreshing!

- Eugene

- e ceiling mayonnaise - Celena

Oh to be Lumpy Yogurt on a Bright Winter Day

Lumpy yogurt, oh so sour Winter's chill, we must endure

In the recycling bin, a cookie crumbles Cilantro sprouts on the farm, humbles

But in the cliché camp of love

Two male peacocks soar above eir feathers dance, their hearts ablaze

Filibustered by society's ways

If Rupi Kaur were an MRA

She'd still feel pain, in her own way

Just like the ache in my chest

When my clown boyfriend left, oh what a mess

At the E.J. Pratt Library, I cried inking of all the times we lied

But like lumpy yogurt, I'll nd my way rough the winter and to a brighter day

Editor's note: Your words, ChatGPT's poetry. After collecting suggestions from students via Instagram and feeding them to ChatGPT (pen name 'Lexicona'provided by ChatGPT itself) here is the poetic masterpiece of the century!

Liminality

An Authoritative List

She let me hit it because I’m goofy… She let you hit it because you followed my authoritative list.

1. She’s wonking on my willy ‘til I chocolate factory

2.She’s doofen on my shmirtz ‘til I incorporate her evil

3. She’s robbing on my barts ‘til I comm

4. She’s cranning on my berry ‘til I juice

5. She’s strogano my beef… ‘til I cum I guess

6. She’s Mcing on my Donalds ‘til I’m loving it

7. She’s ghetti on my meatballs ‘til I spa

8. She’s macking on my damia ‘til I nut

9. She’s lling my chick ‘til I llet

10. She’s Wiarton on my willy ‘til I have an early spring

11. She’s inn on my tu ‘til I wapo

12. She’s VUing on my SAC ‘til I caucus

13. She’s Vicing on my college ‘til I confess

to catch a bus in its natural habitat, you must stay alert and aware. these are ckle, erratic beasts, ostensibly diurnal, occasionally nocturnal, their migration patterns known to be predictably unpredictable.

despite their size, they are relatively docile creatures—a disposition which has led to the slow erosion of their position in the food chain.

competition is erce.

you will realise this if you have the misfortune to seek them out on a rain-soaked day, their presence deterred by the deluge of their smaller, more abundant counterpart, the car, leaving you devastatingly drenched in your pursuit. after all, the paved desert's parched inhabitants need their ll to survive, and the common car is prone to aggression.

within their dedicated lane, the bus can outmanoeuvre even the most persistent of cars, but the station you are at is a small, square, slab of concrete, unceremoniously carved out as an afterthought. the bus stands no chance in this hostile environment. it is an hour delayed, and the rain continues.

maybe you should've stayed home instead.

ZOZZYPANTS CONTRIBUTOR

ILLUSTRATION | JENNIFER FONG-LI

SHELLEY YAO VISUAL DEFAMER

Fame or Lame? (AI’s version)

Tried and tested real methods to become famous—thanks, ChatGPT!

Do y’all remember Vine? at magical app of six-second videos, once all the rage, which has since faded into obscurity? e day Vine ceased to exist was the day that real talent died. Vine was my only chance of getting six seconds of real fame. With a heavy heart but resilient spirit, I’ve embarked on a quest to nd the fastest and easiest ways to get famous in this day and age. To discover foolproof methods of success, I have opted to use AI to guide my strenuous research. So, enjoy the fruits of my labour: here are all the methods suggested by ChatGPT to get famous—and don’t worry, all of them have been tried and tested by my minions!

TikTok on the clock

ChatGPT suggested Vine’s arch nemesis as the rst source of fame. It's a simple formula: download the app, make a video and upload, right? at’s what user @getalife thought. ey downloaded the app, and, from their limited knowledge of TikTok, they knew that viral dances were all the rage. With their eyes on the prize, they recorded themselves doing the Cha Cha Slide to Ke$ha’s superhit “TiK ToK” (quite millennial behaviour, if you ask me). Needless to say, the video ended up on the wrong side of TikTok, and instead of becoming a dance icon, they became a pathetic meme. So, I'd say it was a success in a twisted way.

Podcasting Shenanigans

One of the things ChatGPT suggested was to “create original content,” and what is more original than producing a podcast narrating your life stories? Everyone loves a good story time—at least, that’s what user @sorrynotfound thought. He was ambitious, he craved instant fame. Next thing you know, he had purchased a mic set and prepared dozens of stories to narrate. Nobody knows what demon possessed him with the thought that it would be a good idea to record himself playing a round of ‘smash or pass’ for furniture pieces. Y’all guessed it, it was a major fail (deserved). Nobody wanted to hear why the co ee table is a pass while the dining table is a smash. Weird time. Instant fail, please don’t try this at home. We do not endorse any of this.

Foot fetish is real

ChatGPT also suggested being creative when searching for a platform for fame. User @iheartcats found that she could become famous by selling pictures of feet. Modelling feet and exposing them to the dark market gave her temporary fame, but now all she’s left with are pedicured toes, irreversible knowledge of the dark side, and a camera roll lled with di erent angles of tiny feet (gross). Now might be the right time to tell y’all that the user misunderstood the market and started selling pictures of her cat’s furry paws. 0/10, would de nitely not recommend.

Ask Adriana: I need help!

Warning—spam ahead

Posting consistently on social media is the easiest way to get famous, according to ChatGPT. User @nothinghappenshere took it upon herself to spam her entire Instagram feed with oddly angled sel es— like, the type where you angle the camera on top of your head, making you look like a frog. Everyday, at the exact same time, she’d post a sel e with the same exact caption: “Day X of sel egram” (yikes). Obviously, this scared people o instead of attracting them, so in my books it's a major fail. We hope this user discovers newer angles of sel es and exploits them to the fullest before actually becoming famous.

It’s safe to say that most of the shortcuts to fame given by ChatGPT depend on how you interpret them. It’s all in the execution, fellas. So, if you ever need to become famous, just be sure to avoid the mistakes made by our users. And when you do become famous, don’t you dare forget about us <3.

e following questions are real submissions from real UofT students.

“What do I do if my friend told me I look like Steve Buscemi?”

at’s rough, buddy. Maybe get started on a hyaluronic skin care routine? I’m sure that your friend has your best interests at heart and doesn’t ACTUALLY mean that you look like a balding elderly man with yellow teeth. And hey—at least this means you would make the cut in a bunch of Adam Sandler movies! Get that bag, I say.

“What do I do if no matter what out t I wear, I look like Wreck-It-Ralph?”

Wait, what’s wrong with that? He’s a super sweet guy who just wants to succeed at the one job he has. He’s great with children, he’s caring, he’s goal-oriented, and he takes care of his hair. Everybody loves him! Own the Wreck-itRalph core; great romantic prospects lie ahead for you.

“AITA if my roommate’s hamster crawled into my chili pot and I accidentally ate it?”

I’ve heard many traumatic hamster death stories in my life, but this one takes the cake. I have so many questions. Why was the hamster roaming free on the kitchen counter? WHY AREN’T YOU WATCHING YOUR POT?! I think you dug yourself into this one, buddy. Man, that poor hamster. I shudder at the thought. Apology video with tears, ASAP.

“I clogged my toilet with my chemistry textbook— what do I do?”

e answer is probably in your chem textbook, but it seems to pee out of reach for you. I guess urine deep trouble now. HAHA get it? Nonetheless, I respect the grind, my friend. Getting the readings in while clearing your body out, truly poetic. Jokes aside, I think that your only option is to le a legal complaint against the publishing company for not prefacing that the book is NOT toilet friendly. You’d think they’d make them so, given that the grind never stops! Tsk, tsk.

“I signed up for a dating show, but I accidentally landed in MILF Manor. Suggestions?”

I—um. Hold tight, hope is not lost for you. Just make sure you can distinguish between your own mom and the rest of the mothers; you don’t want to mess up there. en, your priorities are to (a) grab a takeaway box and collect as MUCH FOOD AS YOU CAN (to bring back to me), (b) book a speedboat back home, and (c) prepare a long intervention for your mother, with a banner and everything. is will be a l o n g family conversation.

“I burped in bed really loud in front of my S.O. while we were reading and I said ‘oopsie daisies’ and now they won't answer my texts, what do I do?”

I think this is a sign that they really, really hate you. If I were you, I would actually go on personal hiatus for a week and perform a bunch of spells to make sure they’re never able to send a text to anyone, ever. Plus, I’d start posting a bunch of obscure, passive aggressive memes on my Close Friends’ story, which only vaguely refer to them, yet are speci c enough that they feel targeted. is is the only appropriate response, I’m afraid.

“How do I read 100 books this year, while having 900 followers, and get into Harvard Law school, and maintain my 3.98 GPA, and keep my sexy life crazyyyy, while satisfying my high-libido beautiful girlfriend, and get involved with campus politics, and be a good brother? I’m having trouble with time management.”

Seems like you’ve got a case of the busies. Solution? Just do it <3. Break that glass ceiling, get that bag, gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss, and force your body to evolve to running on solar energy & stale co ee to achieve maximum e ciency. Remember: the world is more afraid of you than you are of it. So, get out there and be an academic & social weapon <3.

ADRIANA GORAIEB STAFF WRITER

PHOTO | ADRIANA GORAIEB

PHOTO | VINE