April 6, 2023

Pennsylvanian Changes Name

After several months of deliberation, the independent student newspaper board voted to change its name to The Pennsylvanian Paper. Formerly The Daily Pennsylvanian, this change was a part of an effort to modernize the organization, which has been in operation since 1885. Other initiatives included reaching a 21,000-follower milestone on Instagram, and printing once a week instead of every day. In 2021, the 137th board pushed for a “digital first” approach, prioritizing email newsletter and social media. “Things are changing at the office,” Emi Tuyếtnhi Trần, Executive Editor at the PP, said.

The final vote to change the name was done over Slack with emoji reacts. It passed narrowly by one Chinese takeout box to pizza slice. “The Chinese takeout box symbolized rebranding, and the pizza slice was to stay as the DP. We usually vote for dinner with these emojis,” Trần explained. “It was just familiar that way.” Despite the contested vote, most expressed enthusiasm for the new name change. Staffers cited previous discomfort at ‘double penetration’ comments made at expense of the paper’s old acronym, the DP. “Thankfully, there’s nothing

BREAKING: Another Year of Your Irrecoverable College Experience Has Passed

- IMRAN SIDDIQUI, PP EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

funny about the PP. You just can’t make any jokes about it,” Imran Siddiqui, the Pennsylvania Paper Editor-in-Chief, said. One of the strongest proponents of the new masthead, he expressed relief that the current name is not misleading about the paper’s print schedule. “The Daily Pennsylvanian is a thing of the past,” he said. “We don’t even print daily anymore.”

Fundraising for a Good Cause!

Pledge Paid $5 to Serenade

Unhoused Person

One curious donor gave back to the West Philadelphia community in the form of serenading an unhoused person to the tune of “Dreams and Nightmares”

by Meek Mill

The last time you checked, it was 2021. But now, it is not even 2022. It is now 2023. You blink once, a day goes by. But as you chase deadlines and headlines, you blink twice and two years go by.

Everyone knows everyone had a secret college bucket list in their imagination when they first stepped foot here. Did you realize your bucket list was founded on an outsider’s perception of Penn, and that when you stepped foot here, Penn wasn’t actually what you made it out to be? Perhaps now, knowing what you see as a student and not an applicant, you’ve updated your perception. Regardless,

were you able to do the things you wanted to do?

Did you find yourself caught up in schoolwork, paperwork, busywork that you never found the time to do the things you want to do? Has your mere existence as a college student eaten up another year of your college experience? You may have permitted school to interfere with your education. You have made Mark Twain mad.

Maybe you had a moment like this last year as well, where you realized a year at college had been accomplished. Or disappeared. Perhaps you had said to yourself last year, or even the year before, that you were going to

Citing ‘National Security,’ Congressional Republicans Push to Ban Wasian Couples

The legislative proposal is the latest effort to crack down on Chinese influence within the United States

TED KWEE-BINTORO U.S.-China Relations Amateur

39th Street.

It was later revealed to our sources that this act of kindness came from a fundraiser conducted by several Penn business fraternities involving paying brothers and pledges anywhere between one and ten dollars for actions ranging from “taking shots of Hill sriracha” to “lap dancing on the Benjamin Bench,” and even “fake dating my nemesis.” However, one curious donor chose kindness and decided to give back to the West Philadelphia community in the form of serenading an unhoused person to the tune of “Dreams and Nightmares” by Meek Mill.

The response from the community has been one of joy. A West Philadelphia resident close to the unnamed unhoused individual remarked:

“This jawn really helped us out. Penn loves ‘helping the community,’ but they’ve never done something like this. Who needs affordable housing when you have ‘Hold up, wait a minute, y'all thought I was finished?’”

Penn officials have been made aware of the act and are now rethinking their own West Philadelphia revitalization plans. When discussing this situation with the business fraternities responsible, they stated, “It’s all in the average day’s work of our organization and our goals of changing the world [for the worse].”

WASHINGTON – Amidst ongoing bipartisan efforts to ban TikTok, the House Republican Conference unveiled a bill on Monday which would ban all Wasian couples by 2025. The legislative proposal, titled the “Restricting the Emergence of Security Threats that Risk Interracial Couples and Threesomes (RESTRICT) Act,” marks the latest iteration of Congressional-led efforts to crack down

change some things. Yet, you are here again. Now that you are here, having this moment again, do you think you are going to have this moment yet again next year?

Nevertheless, congratulations! You have made it to the present. But at what cost? How much time have you wasted in the past to get to the present?

In 4 years, will you look back in nostalgia on late-night Wawa runs, Excel or VSCode at 4 a.m., and avoiding eye contact on Locust Walk? Is it alright to walk the walk and get handed a piece of paper, thinking that you thought you would have something more to say?

on Chinese influence within the United States and would criminalize “marriages, romantic relationships, situationships, jaunts, flings, one-night stands, and throuples between individuals… of a CaucAsian nature.”

The University of Pennsylvania is no stranger to rising U.S.-China tensions, with Republicans levying allegations that the Ivy League institution provides material support to the People’s Republic of China by obfuscating Penn Biden Center donations from the country and offering Chinese language classes. A Penn spokesperson indicated that the University was ready to comply with the proposed measures, stating that Penn’s Asian faculty members are “ready to divest from their white partners … if the bill should come to pass.”

However, many students remain concerned that the bill could effectively undermine an essential part of Penn student life.

“It’s really disheartening to see what’s going on here,” said local Wasian Catherine Young (C ‘23).

“It’s obvious that our elected lawmakers are appealing to Sinophobic sentiment in an effort to further their own selfish interests, and it’s disappointing to see the lack of response from the Penn community. Besides, if they really care about our national security, they should focus on other priorities, like freshman-senior relationships or that couple down the hall in Riepe that fucks too loudly.”

At press time, white people were unavailable for comment.

This past week on campus saw an instance of great philanthropic effort from a fellow Quaker. An anonymous pledge was spotted serenading an unhoused person just outside of the CVS on

PHOTO BY ALICIA LOPEZ/THE PP

“We don’t even print daily anymore.”

PHOTO BY ANDREA PIACQUADIO/PEXELS & DESIGN BY JOJO BUCCINI

Study Shows ED Accepted

Students Could Have Gotten Into Harvard Had They Wanted To

They apply ED because they want to, not because they’re nervous they won’t get in elsewhere

BENJI ELKINS Mouth-breather

In a complicated world such as this one, sometimes evil wins. In a recent study conducted by the Penn Legacies For Legacies Association (PLFLA), researchers concluded that almost all early decision admitted students could have gotten into any other school if they had wanted to. Researchers also confirmed that your annoying freshman year roommate could have gotten into Harvard after all. “We found that students apply early decision to Penn because they just absolutely love the campus, recognize the quality of the education, or simply want to recreate their fathers' experience from the 90s,” head researcher Laura McMoira said. “They apply ED because they want to, not because they’re nervous they won’t get in elsewhere or they recognize that the acceptance rate is almost twice the regular decision numbers. That absolutely does not factor in.”

Penn’s community rejoiced at the news that ED students could have gotten in elsewhere and thus are superior as per U.S. News & World Report criteria. “It just feels vindicating knowing I’m one of the smartest here,” said College sophomore Ben Reiser. Reiser, whose parents both went to Penn and now work here as professors, was admitted based on sheer merit–a merit much larger and bigger than the merit of regular decision admitted students.

In response to these findings, the University will begin holding weekly “thank you” panels in which early decision accepted students will be celebrated by administrative faculty with words of encouragement and ego-boosting. In tandem with these panels, CAPS will also be hosting grief counseling sessions for regular admission students who were rejected by Princeton University.

At press time, a number of Penn faculty members were reportedly seen hosting a symposium for oncedeferred or waitlisted admits in which they reminded them which students they were allowed to talk to or look in the eyes.

Girl Platonically Has Sex With Other Girl and Calls Her ‘Love of My Life’

Platonic lesbian sex is real, I swear

TANA CUTURELA Bi-curious Petite Baby Girl

No, we’re totally friends. Yeah, we’re like really good friends. How could we not be? Yeah, I sometimes slip in between her legs, but what about it? That doesn’t make it gay if I don’t think it’s gay. You catching my drift? Oh, yeah, I usually

Liz Magill Proposes Motion to Ban All Greek Life After Getting Dropped From Tri Delta

The bruised ego of Penn’s ninth president may wreak havoc on the social life of Greek-life-enjoyers across campus

MOLLIE BENN

Dr. Love

Every January, hundreds of Penn’s freshman and sophomore women enter the sorority rush process. For about a week, girls are seen walking from house to house, event to event, sister to sister, dressed in their best clothes, looking for the community of women who will love and accept them for the remainder of their time at Penn as well as the rest of their lives. In her first year at Penn, University President Liz Magill was searching for a similar community to affiliate herself with. Like many other first-years, she was struggling to get a full grasp of the Penn culture. In order to fully integrate herself into Penn, she believed it necessary to participate in this important Penn event.

Going into rush, President Magill knew a few things about what she wanted her time at Penn to look like and what she would have to do to achieve the status necessary for effective rule of Penn's student body. Firstly, she would have to get into a sorority which would provide enough social clout to garner esteem and demand respect from the student body. Secondly, she would need to get a bid from a sorority with a cute or aesthetic name so it would look good in her Instagram bio right under “Ninth President of the University of Pennsylvania. Thirdly, she would have to get her top choice, or it would reflect poorly on her ability to succeed at Penn. She decided that her best option was ΔΔΔ (Tri Delta or Delta Delta Delta) because they seemed like a fun group of amazing women and she found that the three triangles looked really nice under her name on her email signature.

President Magill “preffed” Tri Delta the whole way through rush. She formed connections with every girl she met and made sure to look her best every time she stepped foot in “chouse.” She eventually made it to the final round. Her final

options were Sigma Kappa and Tri Delta. She decided to “suicide bid” Tri Delta.

A rush process that began with so much hope and prospects for Liz Magill ended in sadness and dismay as she was dropped from Tri Delta on bid day. All the plans the president had made to build up her social status and validity as the new president were now ruined as she was left sororityless. It has now been two months since the incident, and the consequences for it are soon to be felt all over campus.

After getting dropped, President Magill devised a new plan to enact revenge on those who put the kibosh on her chances of achieving greatness within Penn’s Greek life. Her revenge? To terminate Greek life completely. Earlier this week, President Magill submitted a statement along with her official proposal to ban Greek life from Penn’s campus to the Board of Trustees. The proposal was immediately met with confusion and anger from the Board (many of whom have Tri Delta women for daughters) as well as students who saw a leaked version of the document circulating on Sidechat.

In the proposal, President Magil stated that, “the University should no longer stand behind organizations which wrongfully perpetuate communities of exclusion and elitism” and even alluded to her sorority rejection by saying, “I have experienced first-hand the despair that comes with being excluded from groups such as these #fucktridelta.”

The future of Greek life at Penn is uncertain for now but students have already begun to worry about what the potential ban will mean for the future of the social scene at Penn. If there is no more official Greek life, who will throw darties for Spring Fling?

date men. It’s just easier. I’ve always gotten along with men better. It’s like the man-woman yinyang energetic match that really gets me going. But I do love having fun with my girlfriends, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t be where I am without them. And the thing is, it’s important to be open and flexible with your sexuality. If some guy flakes on me at a date night, there’s always a pair of legs to comfort me later that night – and that changes everything! I just take the elevator to the 14th floor in Harrison, shed a few tears in the 2x2 bathroom and then channel all that loaded male hatred into something positive. I like to think of women as outlets. Outlets for rage, for pain, but also for pleasure. And you know what they say about not sticking a metal item into an outlet? That’s why I usually go for silicon. It’s just smoother.

Anyway, the only caveat I see in all of this is that sometimes one of my girlfriends turns out to be gay and then it gets really messy really quick. Whenever female emotions and female jealousy unleash, it’s harder to let the no-strings-attached love flow. It’s been really hard for me in the past. I’ve struggled with it a lot. Just operate like men

do, you know? I don’t believe true equality is achievable as long as we hold women to different standards than men. Like, why can men have sex with a bunch of different girls and I can’t? I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Especially since I’ve been getting down and dirty with one of my closest friends recurrently. She’s always been super chill, laid back, good vibes, doesn’t take anything to heart. We have a sort of bromance going on, you could say. But ever since I dropped the L bomb during one of our steamier sessions, she’s been acting weird. She wants to talk. She wants to feel “committed to” and “perceived as a human being.” Anyway, I asked if I could still hit it from time to time. She said that’s disrespectful of me to ask and that she’s more than just a body. I assured her that I see her as more than that. She let me hit again after so I guess we’re all good now. But yeah, platonic sex between women is definitely possible. It takes a bit of sorting things out and talking about boundaries and stuff, but as long as you keep things casual and nonsentimental, it works! And, again, if you think about it, it’s really good practice for sexy time with men.

Back By Popular Demand: Cheat Codes to Headline Fling for Second Year in a Row

Sure, there might be better options out there, but what the general student body needs is stability

MAYA KREGER

People Person

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Cheat Codes (the guy that showed up and talked on the phone with his wife during his set) was alright last year. It’s a safe bet. Bring those damn EDM boys back. Sure, there might be better options out there, but what the general student body needs is stability. A second year of Cheat Codes can help us with that.

Shannon DeLozenge (W ‘26), co-president of the Penn Cheat Codes Fan Club, said, “We are thrilled to welcome Cheat Codes back to campus this year for the 50th anniversary of Fling. The University did something special by bringing them back. They really listened to the people this time. Damn.” Frederick Xavier (C’23), co-president of the Penn Cheat Codes Fan Club, was unavailable for comment.

The idea of Cheat Codes coming back for this second year of fling makes me wonder if progress is being detracted. Is it really just and right to invite

a group back for an epic performance and not give another EDM group a chance? Are we satisfied with the status quo? Are we entering cycles of stagnation? If presented with another option, no matter how risky, should we take it? Red or blue pill?

Should I make my bed each morning even if I’m just going to get back into it? Progress can be cyclical, sometimes you move forward, but often you just invite Cheat Codes back for a second year in a row. Sure, this may not be a step forward, but it certainly isn’t a step backward, nor a step sideways. We should be proud of that; we really should.

So, let’s welcome Cheat Codes back once more. And next year we’ll do the same until eternity and there are no more cheat codes and all is well. Long live Spring Fling. Long live Cheat Codes. This one is going to be a good one, I can feel it.

PHOTO BY BLACK17BG _ | CC0

PHOTO BY KYLIE COOPER/THE PP

PHOTO BY JESSE ZHANG/THE PP & DESIGN BY MOLLIE BENN

Survey Finds

Penn Students Chill AF, Move Different, Smoke That Chronic

Magill responded to the findings via Instagram story: “We are so back” ANDERS AMLIE

Years after the folks over at Pew Research Center undertook their greatest task of the century, the team has released their findings. After nearly two decades of painstaking “vibe assessment,” lead researcher Dr. John Crawford has declared Penn “the chillest spot in the naish” (“naish” short for nation, that is). The study cites many factors, focusing primarily on students'

“lowkey energy” and the campus's “sneaky sesh spots.” Penn students were reportedly elated by the news, but not too excited to the point where it

Penn Hillel Hosts Apartheid Week, Aiming to Engage With Underrepresented Human Rights Deniers on Campus

Hillel envisions a theme park-like array of attractions laid out on High Rise Field, with sponsorships from Lockheed Martin and Motorola

JETT FLAXMAN

Concerned Parent

HILLEL BUILDING, PENN CAMPUS – After a weeks-long battle with University administration, Penn Hillel has just received approval to host its inaugural “Apartheid Week” this April. The genesis of what they hope to be a yearly tradition, this Apartheid Week is sure to be jam-packed with thrilling events for local human rights deniers too often silenced by our campus culture. Beth Winklestein and crew were at first cautious to give approval, but after hearing a compelling pitch from Hillel’s executive committee, they couldn’t say no.

Hillel envisions a theme park-like array of attractions laid out on High Rise Field, with sponsorship from Lockheed Martin and Motorola footing the bill. On the North stage, a formidable list of speakers will participate in short speeches and coffee chats on subjects ranging from ethical use of eminent domain to a lecture titled “Big Guns, Small Guns: Why The Big Ones Are Better.” Notable attendees include the Merchant of Death,

Abi Schmoolick, Itmar Gengivr, and Amy Gutmann. There will be an immersive virtual reality video game experience as well, but Hillel is omitting further details about the game as a special teaser for later. Hillel hopes that these extensive spectacles will be enough to draw out the dozens of dormant human rights critics on campus, but if not, lox and bagel will be provided as an added courtesy.

As is typical, president Liz Magill noted when I reached out for comment, “We would like to exert a little more control over an event named ‘Apartheid Week.’” But the executive planning committee for the conference aligned with university values so much that, “We’re willing to give them the keys to the castle on this one.” Now, Hillel has an exciting few weeks of planning to knock out before making Apartheid Week a serious competitor to Spring Fling. Maybe in a few years, frats will be clamoring to land DJ Bezalel for ‘A’ Week.” Until then, let's get hype, Penn undergraduates!

Penn Dining Staff Declare Penn Dining Staff Appreciation Month to Appreciate Penn Dining Staff for Being Such Good Dining Staff

Throughout the month of March, Penn Dining Staff have donned special Penn Dining Staff Appreciation Month shirts ADRIAN RAFIZADEH

Veteran

Celebrating a 3-week milestone since Penn’s last confirmed food poisoning case, Penn Dining Staff unveiled Penn Dining Staff Appreciation Month on March 1st.

Throughout the month of March, Penn Dining Staff have donned special Penn Dining Staff Appreciation Month shirts, showing the entire community just how much Penn Dining Staff values the Penn Dining Staff.

“Thank you, Penn Dining Staff!” said the shirts. It is unclear at this time to whom the quotation is accredited.

Penn Dining Staff unveiled a compliment wall in each dining hall, allowing anyone (notably, Penn Dining Staff) to write nice comments for the Penn Dining Staff. Penn Dining Staff received an avalanche of laudatory notes.

“Penn Dining Staff, you are the best! - Rebecca,” one read. “Penn Dining Staff fathered my second-born child and nursed my ailing mother back to health. Thank you!

- Bailey” read another. A man named Bill wrote a very thankful comment for Penn Dining Staff which was

SPRINT FOOTBALL

Calling all former high school football players and athletes!

The Penn Sprint football program is looking for athletes interested in the opportunity to play a varsity sport at the collegiate level. Penn Sprint Football is a full contact, 11 vs 11 football program that follows all the same rules used by the NCAA. The weight limit is 178 lbs, but players range between 150-190lbs between weigh ins during the season. Becoming a member of the Sprint Football program will allow you to become a member of a close knit team and develop great memories during your time here at Penn. If interested, please contact Head Coach Jerry McConnell at gerardm@upenn.edu or call (856)296-0381.

was weird or lame.

Dr. Crawford continued: “Over 95% of the student body was found to be 'totally down' to drink

‘F*ck That Ice B*tch’ Olaf Responds to Losing Commencement Speech Bid

‘Some people are worth melting for… but some people also need to get their act together and stop being petty as fuck...’ VIVIAN

Picture this: me, an astonishingly perceptive yet humble young woman with something to prove, sitting contemplatively on SEPTA Bus 1441 with Service to Center City. Next to me, a 3D animated snowman with a voice eerily similar to that of the Dog in “A Dog's Purpose” (film).

It was the day after the illustrious Idina Menzel was announced to be the University of Pennsylvania’s 2023 Commencement speaker. My elation could not be concealed upon hearing the news because I was waiting to hear about it for ages.

Turns out, not everyone was as elated as I. As I was sitting on the SEPTA Bus, minding my business, this

a beer with 'the squad' all seven days a week, a mark unmatched by our other subjects.” The report included findings on hundreds of other schools, but was especially scathing towards the other Ivies. “They just don't seem to get it,” read the report, “Total tweakers.”

The gleaming first place ranking has been seen as the crowning achievement thus far in Liz Magill's fledgling presidency. While declining to speak publicly, the newly appointed leader offered a brief but powerful statement via IG story: “We are so back.”

Penn Admissions has been dealing with an inundating barrage of new applicants and phone calls since the news broke. Tour guides have been encouraged to pass around “thick Js” as they lead groups down Locust and emphasize how “nonfederal” Penn Police is. Beer funnels with Quaker insignia have been strategically positioned around campus so prospective students might catch a glimpse of a Natty Light's “total deletion” in between classes.

No one knows exactly why Penn won, but it's pretty evident when you look around. No one at the school ever discusses recruiting, finance, their 6 c.u.s, PURM applications, networking calls, coding assignments, casing challenges, or midterms. Perhaps that's why, as Crawford concluded, “vibes are crazy high.”

fucking snowman turned towards me and started talking. He said a lot of things that I didn't remember, but the general gist of his rambling was that his name was Olaf, “I like warm hugs,” he went by he/him, and that he was kind of a pretty big deal. Obviously, I was annoyed, because why are you talking to me on the SEPTA Bus, also you’re not even real, so I responded with, okay, how are you even a big deal if I have no idea who you are dude?

At this point, Olaf started sobbing big, fat, and animated tears, and I felt kind of bad. Avoiding looking directly at his eyes and into the Void, I began a painfully reluctant conversation in an attempt to stop his crying. I asked him what he was doing in Philly, and apparently, my newly-minted snowman friend actually tried out to be the Commencement speaker! Super random, right, so I let Olaf know that I was a student at Penn, and I was a reporter for an important news outlet at the University, and if there was anything he'd like to speak on, I would gladly hear it.

Olaf did speak on a lot of things, including his upcoming projects in film and crypto, his tumultuous relationship with Elsa, and a vague indication of a substance addiction (Say it ain’t SNOW! It ain’t.). The thing is, I haven’t watched Frozen 2, so I didn’t really understand a lot of what he was saying. Over the groaning of SEPTA Bus, however, my audio recording did clearly pick up this snippet: “Some people are worth melting for…but some people also need to get their act together and stop being petty as fuck. Like if you have something to say–”

Olaf’s mouth suddenly melted into his body, and then his body melted onto the ground, and I checked my Weather app which said it was currently 56 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and then all that was left was a puddle of liquid on the floor of SEPTA 1441. A man wearing a cap with a huge bill got on at the next stop. He carefully stepped over the puddle, muttering, “always some nasty shit spilling on the SEPTA.”

deemed too sexually explicit to feature in UTB. Oddly, Rebecca, Bailey, and Bill shared remarkably similar handwriting.

We spoke with Penn Dining Staff head Jim Beekman about what inspired Penn Dining Staff to start Penn Dining Staff Appreciation month.

“Day in and day out, we hear an overwhelming amount of positive feedback on our dining hall food. As

Penn Dining Staff, we just felt the need to channel that energy into Penn Dining Staff Appreciation Month.”

When asked from whom the positive feedback originated, Beekman cited “the community.” I could not press for more details because it was around this time when some tilapia I had eaten at Hill had begun to come back up. UTB expresses their regrets for incomplete reporting.

you

forget

GRAPH BY ANDERS AMLIE

PHOTO BY ANNA VAZHAEPARAMBIL/THE PP

Letter from the Editor

CHINESE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF | Daughter of Shanghai

The Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual joke issue has a long history, of which another chapter has been written today. Every year at about this time, tradition dictates that DP editors turn their usually proper paper into a playful parody. Although the DP used to publish a joke issue on or about April Fool’s Day, this issue is moved to the 52nd anniversary of the day on which China’s ping-pong team invited members of the U.S. team to China, thereby kicking off the ping-pong diplomacy era and the amelioration of the relation between the two nations.

On April 6th, 1971, nine players from the U.S. Table Tennis team took a historic trip to China, becoming the first delegation of Americans to visit the country in decades. Following the 1949 Chinese revolution, there had been no diplomatic ties, limited trade, and few contacts between the United States and the People’s Republic of China. This trip helped lay the groundwork for establishing official diplomatic relations between the United States and the People’s Republic of China. Ping-pong diplomacy also led to improve people-to-people understanding and cultural exchange.

The invitation extended to the U.S. team included not only the exhibition matches but banquets, entertainment, and tours of sights across the country as honored guests. The team visited some of China’s most famous landmarks, including the Forbidden City as well as the Great Wall of China.

This year is a meaningful one. We celebrated 5,001 years of Chinese civilization. The world reckoned with the undeniable verve and dynamism of this ancient yet vigorous nation. China boasts a swath of cultural wealth: Pandas. The Guilin mountains and rivers. My xiaoqu in Xuhui District (It’s like the Upper East Side of Shanghai). The terracotta army.

The Bund. Shanghai IFC Mall. The bar I was kicked out of in 2021. There are things in China that are Chinese. There are things outside China that are also Chinese. Look around you. Everywhere you see, genetically-engineered, efficient Chinese superstudents. China is a country in which many things have happened in the past and many other things will happen in the future. Guess what China’s GDP is. Just guess. Come on. Just because you aren’t

Chinese, doesn’t mean you can’t try your hand at China Math. Here’s a hint: it’s more than two.

You know the phrase POC? It actually stands for People of China. This was a finding from a research conducted by the Ginsburg-Sun Center for Judeo-Chinese Relations. With pleasure and pride, I hereby announce that the GSCJCR has received a historic amount of funding this Series A round and is projected by UNESCO to announce its IPO in Q1

of 2025. This will add to China’s GDP, making it even higher. I love China. I am China. China number one. China #1. China. China. China. Liwa Sun

LIWA SUN is a Chinese writer who hates when they mix memory and desire.

OP-ED: In My Defense, I Didn’t Do Anything Wrong

In my defense, I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m telling you, your honor, in my defense I didn’t do anything wrong! On god (hand on Bible) cross my heart (hope to die), I plead my case. You may know me as a rambunctious tyke who seldom writes for this publication. You may know me as someone who sets alarms at meetings so when they ring I can pretend it is a very important phone call and therefore I have an excuse to leave. You may even catch my cold gaze as I strut down Locust looking hauntingly beautiful with a dirty chai latte (with an extra shot of espresso please!) in hand, my Glossier balm dot com in another. You may know me as someone who doesn’t hold the door open for you at Commons because frankly, I don’t want to. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Sure, I kick people out of GSRs that I did not book. Maybe I left skid marks on your shoes while dancing in my 5 inch heels at Pike. Remember when Biotech blew the

UNBIASED

fuck up? Yeah, that was me, I’ll admit it. God, sue me. And yes fine, I made the London Bridge fall down, but that was like, one fucking time. Get over it! I am but a hot Theta bombshell searching for more. Things just happen to me. And even if they didn’t and I did commit tax fraud and burned that building down and kicked all the puppies into the biopond that one time you can’t really blame me for the things I do because last month was Women’s History Month and I find the dearth of feminism here for me quite offensive, really.

I am living my truth. Eat, pray, love, whatever. I am real, I am alive. And one thing I know for certain is that I didn’t do anything wrong!

CATHY LI is a little petulant girl in a petulant world, life is plastic, it’s fantastic!

DESIGN BY BECKY LEE

| Among the decisive moves: a mass incendiary of all green to-go boxes and planning some of the

Luckily, they post about all of their outings on their instagram so that if you’re missing out, you know it. A pre-game for Pike, where John (W ‘24) shares that welfare doesn’t make sense because he’s always fared well. A Red Flag party where Brent (W ‘25) flaunts his redflag: listening to Kanye and hating Jewish people. At a BYOB at Loco Pez, the club considers ordering something other than cheese quesadillas, and finally settles on plain tortilla chips. All this is great fun and leads to greater tolerance for people who look like them.

is a home for them. Around a barbecue, they cook up meats from a farm outside of an industrial plant in Bucks County. They speak freely, the way discourse was shared back before Lincoln ever addressed the states with that proclamation. The only other time they get to do this is at the all parties debate, where they are the only party present.

Campus life wouldn’t be the same without this group of movers and shakers. They’ve enacted a lot of social change since cementing themselves as a fixture on campus. Some of their decisive moves have been: a mass incendiary of all green to-go boxes, pushing the LGBT Center so far off campus that no directionally inept gay person can find it, crying outside of SHS (where they think abortions happen), and planning some of the best Ken’s BYOBs campus wide. What a beautiful, loving, accepting community.

PHOTO FROM @PENNCOLLEGEREPUBLICANS / INSTAGRAM

DESIGN BY SOPHIA LIU

Word on the street is that we are in a recession. As an intended Econ major, turned PPE major, turned International Relations major, I have little understanding of what this all means. But if there is one thing I learned from Luca Bossi and Anne Duchene, it’s that the economy is a cycle - a boom and bust cycle if you will. This means that occasionally times will be tough, but then times will be great.

A lot of my friends worry how the recession will impact their ability to pay their student loans and find a job. Others worry that their parents will get laid off. Here’s what I know: You can’t have good days without a few bad ones. That’s why I choose to embrace the boom and bust cycle. Stop fighting this economic downturn. Surrender to it. Heck, embrace it! Use it as an excuse for all your problems.

The impacts of the recession are evident in our everyday lives. For instance, I bet you have found yourself thinking ‘damn, remember when Halal was only $5’ as you pay $9 for

The Mirrors in DRL Remind Me I Belong There

your chicken and rice. But just believe that in some period of time that we cannot predict right now, someone just like you will be smiling and thinking ‘damn, remember when Halal was $9’ as they pay $5 for their chicken and rice. The economy is a cycle and I think that is just beautiful.

Inflation, interest rates, taxes. These are all just words. So the next time your parent shuts off Fox News in anger about the current political and economic state of the world, or your roommate complains that they can’t find a job, just remember: recession this, recession that: in the end networking always prevails.

MAN IN STEM, STEM IN MAN | As I hobbled down the hallway, I took a quick glance to my left and saw my reflection

It was Monday, 8:26 a.m. After two days and two nights and two full breakdowns, I finished my seventh complex analysis problem set of the semester. All that was left to do was reach the end of the mirror lined hallways of DRL and slip my tear crusted papers under my professor’s door before the 8:30 AM deadline.

As I hobbled down the hallway, I took a quick glance to my left and saw my reflection.

My cheeks were hollow, but not in a "trendy, Bella-Hadid-esque, buccal fat incineration" way, but in a "tapeworm that stayed with me from a Cancun spring break when I booked a $150 non-refundable massage at a hotel that closed down 4 years prior and then decided to turn my spirits around by getting sushi except the really good Yelp reviews were fake and the tuna ended up giving me nerve damage and taking up my $400 Penn Insurance deductible in the process" way.

My shirt had an interesting element, but not in a "$40 asymmetrical Zara crop top that gets weekly compliments" way, but in a "highly suspicious, rogue CeraVe squirt in the center of my chest that I haven’t noticed all day" way.

My eye bags were heavy, but not in a "TikTok peddled self-love, y2k-emo resurgence, disinterested vogue raccoon vibe, GenZ 'I am above this' aesthetic" way, but in a "second and third

ball sack swinging between my legs and tripping me up" way.

My hair was slicked back, but not in a "James Bond-themed champagne and shackles" way, but in a "my shower is flooding with sewage and my landlord hasn’t responded to my texts so I haven’t taken a shower in 10 days and my pillows have grease stains and a vicious scalp scent follows me everywhere I go" way.

People behind me were zooming in the background to get to class, but not in an "Ivy-league, bustling academia, 'let’s grab lunch,' workhard play-hard" way, but in an "it’s 8 a.m. and DRL is empty and my freshman year acid trip induced schizophrenia is acting up because I haven’t slept in 3 weeks and I am imagining people behind me" way.

I was slouching, but not in an "ultra-skinny 'broken rag doll' model selling oversized Saint Laurent 1999 resort wear" way, but in a "rat gremlin, anti-vax polio induced scoliosis, 50% neanderthal genetics uncovered via 23 and me" way. Once again, the mirrors in DRL reminded me I belong there.

SIMON OROS is a second generation faggot who voted for Trump at most twice.

PHOTO BY THISISENGINEERING/PEXELS

DESIGN BY SIMON OROS

CLAIRE HAYES is not worried about losing her job because she never loses!

你好,こんにちは: Meet the White People at Bento

Quiz: Are You Racist or Just European?

These days, racism is a heated topic of conversation, and people are being held accountable more than ever for their problematic views. That’s why it’s so important for white people to determine exactly who is allowed to be racist. Or, in other words, who is racist and who is just Europeanx.

Take this quiz to find out what you are. Pick the response that best characterizes you:

1) What was your legal name last time you used the n-word?

(a) I don’t use the n-word?

(b) Jeff

(c) Javier Jose Mourinho Sanchez Fernandez Maximilian of Madrid, Spain, 5th Imperial District of King Philip IV

Harry Styles (M, 28, 6’)

Hometown: Somewhere British

Major: Individualized major in British Studies with a minor in Gender, Penn in London Program Alum

Characteristics: Stands fine in a line. Don't worry! Often SABS at the front of the line calling everyone darling

Bento Box A: Gyoza that he calls tea pockets, beans on milk toast, tempura, edaMAMEEE, chicken toryaki

Side Order: Philly Cheese Steak Bao because he is queer

Campus Affiliations: Fayjay, 34th Street Editor in Chief, DISC, Harrison College House Director

Preferred Method of Payment: Throwing sweaty bras at man cutting salmon

Wasian Americana (F, Ageless, 5'3)

Mitski and Japanese Breakfast tried acquiring Bento in 2020, after arriving on campus. They were unsuccessful. Here are their stories.

Hometowns: Asia and East Asia

Order: Japanese Breakfast and Dim Sum and Dumplings to Cry Into and Kimchi and a few beers (for one - Mitski eats almond croissants from WilCaf)

Order total: 328 dining dollars

Preferred Method of Payment: Pennsylvania College Consortium Dining Dollars (see Bryn Mawr, Swarthmore, and Penn State)

Aperitif: Laxatives

Appearances: Wasian on Locust

Taylor Swift (F, 32, 5'11)

Standing behind Harry Styles, because behind every great man is a great woman <3

Frequently holding her gal pal Karli’s Kloss’ hand in line

Hometown: The most evangelical part of Tennessee.

Hinge Bio: Red lipstick all over her Dasani water, she buys a dasani water everyday because climate change and AIDS don’t apply to white women. Relatable girl who had a pimple in 10th grade. Proactiv, look what U(TB) made me do

Campus Affiliations: Theta (duh). Got rejected twice from UTB. Trying out for video next semester. Disney Acapella. Thinks that joking about hookups in Huntsman GSR is funny.

Order: Rainbow Roll because she loves all fish

Olivia Jade (F, 23, 5'4)

Comes to Bento after finishing tour with Kite and Key. Convinced she doesn’t want to put her money on our sailing team. Also comes to Bento because she needs to meet her philanthropy cap of the month.

Fun fact: Cannot spell “the patriarchy” even if you pointed a gun at her Soft Skills: Sitting still, texting, communication (seeking career in this field)

GPA: 4.0!

SAT score: 1600!

AP scores (all): 5!

Political Alignment: Supports Roe v. Wade.

Preferred Method of Payment: Facetune Premium

? (M, ?, ?) (Stands in line with a cigarette in his mouth because you put the thing that does the killing in between your teeth…)

If you don’t know, for shame. Stares at Asian man. Leaves. Fin. Wishes they had hookahs.

2) What makes you feel justified in using the n-word?

(a) Again, unless you mean “nice,” I don’t use the n-word. *laughs at own joke*

(b) If they can sing it in a song, I can hurl it at them when they accidentally bump into me in line at Starbucks.

(c) What else would I have chanted during the Spain-Morocco World Cup match?

3) How do you feel about Mexican people?

(a) I frequent this family-owned barrio in my neighborhood. It’s called Qdoba I think?

(b) Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall. Wall.

(c) We raped and pillaged the Aztecs long ago. Mexicans are the living sign of our dominance.

4) Do you support immigrants entering the United States from south of the border?

(a) I have a family of 12 Haitians living in my grandmother’s basement.

(b) Yes, but only if it’s a Latina woman aged 18 to 25.

(c) Yes, but only if it’s my grandfather or any other former Nazi living in Argentina (or a Latina woman age 18 to 29).

5) That’s a good transition to Jewish people. Should Israel exist?

(a) No. Israel is an apartheid state and the oppressor of the Palestinian people (I think? Maybe? I don’t even know who I’m supposed to support on this one?)

(b) Yeah I always find, yeah I always find, something wrong! You’ve been putting up with my shit for way too long!

(c) Yes, but they should be a colony of Spain with a strictly mercantilist trade system and no human rights (along with every state in Africa, Asia, the Middle East, Central and South America, and Eastern Europe).

Mystery Woman? (F, About 39, ?)

For those who don’t know, Justine Sacco. Waits in line behind Taylor Swift but collapses into a pile every five minutes because she had a few too many val’s.

Hometown: Somewhere without AIDS

Dream Alternative Career Path: Preaching malaria out of dying children, no sage involved

Order: Pretzels and Dr. Pepper

Preferred Method of Payment: Frequent flier United Gold Credit Card, (she flies first before the veterans)

七輪 (F, 29, 5’) 这是 Ariana G。她喜欢吃烤猪肉。虽然 Ariana 看起来像一位普通的华人，但是她真正的种族是 白种族, yuh。

Order: 寿司

Education: 北京大学 Eats without rolling her sleeves up

Genghis Khan (M, M, M)

Daddy, sorry sorry, daddy?

Major: Penn Global Writing Seminar in Mongolia

Order: Dasani Water, Mongolian Beef

Preferred Method of Payment: One of his wives

What the fuck: Asked my mother if she was at Smokes at 2 a.m. on a Monday

Now check your results!

Mostly a’s: You made us a little uncomfortable, but you’re probably clean.

Mostly b’s: You are despicably racist.

Mostly c’s: You are a European. It’s your culture. Continue with business as usual.

PHOTO BY LETICIA MORAES | CC BY-SA 2.0

PHOTO BY EVA RINALDI | CC BY-SA 2.0

PHOTO FROM FACEBOOK

PHOTO BY DAVID LEE | CC BY 2.0

PHOTO FROM @OLIVIAJADE/INSTAGRAM

PHOTO FROM JARED ENOS | CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

PHOTO FROM WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

PHOTO BY DAVID LEE | CC BY 2.0

PHOTO FROM @ARIANAGRANDE/INSTAGRAM

DESIGN BY RIYA NANDAKUMAR

How Fast Can My Friend Carey Drink Water?

MAYA KREGER AND CAREY SALVIN

Writing Curious STEM Students

Abstract:

In this paper, which is soon to be published in Nature, we seek to answer the question: How fast can my friend Carey Salvin drink water? Through conclusive tests of Ms. Salvin drinking water, we measured, with impeccable accuracy, the speed at which Ms. Salvin could drink various glasses of water. Our conclusion was that yes, Ms. Salvin, is able to drink water, and at a pretty good speed at that.

Introduction:

On average, one requires an adequate amount of water everyday. To do this, one must drink several such glasses of water throughout the day to be properly hydrated. Hydration is defined as the state of being hydrated, holding enough water within one’s earthly body. Without this vital “juice of life,” many side effects may be found such as lack of color in one’s face and sudden death. Since both of these consequences are equally undesirable, as the literature shows, people tend to drink enough water to continue. There have been many such studies on the level of hydration within communities, but not about the rate in which my friend, Carey Vanessa Salvin, can drink said water. Our null hypothesis is that Ms. Salvin cannot drink water at a fast rate.

Methods:

From the period of time between October 28, 2022 and January 27, 2023, Carey Vanessa Salvin, the subject of this extensive study, drank glasses of water. While Maya Kreger timed Ms. Salvin on her iPhone 13 Pro Max, Ms. Salvin drank that water. And she drank it fast. Upon finishing each glass of water, the duration was recorded in a “Notes App” page entitled “Carey’s Drinking Record.” A photo was taken with the iPhone in the left hand, cup in the right. For the sake of simplicity, variables such as size of cup, temperature of water, ice, emotional state, and current level of hydration were omitted.

Results:

On average, Ms. Salvin drank water in 6.22 seconds, with a variance of 7.2 seconds and a standard deviation of 2.69 seconds. With 33 trials, the effective population size has significance with N>30. In Fig. 1, we analyzed the speed vs. date and drew some very important conclusions such as the following. On 11/17/22, a local extrema of 12.61 seconds was reached. A global extrema was located on 1/21/23, with a speed of 14.51 seconds. One may wonder what happened on such dates. Fig.2 reveals the true data that was drawn from this study: in 17 distinct locations Ms. Salvin consumed water. This was truly shocking and much against our null hypothesis: Ms. Salvin cannot drink water at a fast rate. Not only did she drink water, she drank water at 17 locations, from the Mask and Wig Clubhouse to Pulse Night Club. Fig. 3 also makes references to locations with it being a map and all. On a scale of light purple to dark purple, the density of time spent drunk in different locations is presented. This strongly implies that the location of imbibement affected the rate at which the drink was drunk. This has shocking implications for, like, the future and, like, all the people. Damn. Fig. 4 explores the different variables that were explored in our exploration. Variables such as New Jersey, Night Club, and ice seem to have incredible affects on Ms. Salvin’s rate of drinking. Overall, grand conclusions seem to be drawn and our null hypothesis was rejected with statistical significance.

College Questions and Concerns: An Evening With Kite and Key

MEGAN STRIFF-CAVE AND JETT FLAXMAN Title

Discussion:

Upon peer review, other researchers found a few inaccuracies within our study. Firstly, we forgot to include a reference section to our peer editors. Secondly, we lacked a percent error. Upon calculation, our percent error was 0.0000%, revealing our results to be even more significant, and within the realm of science, perfect. In the future, we would like to include even more variables such as two cups of water at once and once big sphere of ice, or potentially crushed ice.

References: We thank Dr. Striff-Cave for her paper, “The Rapid Polymerization of Ice within Mitochondrial Vectors: A Study.” Her research paved the way for studying the rate at which Ms. Salvin could drink these waters. In addition, we thank water scientist Beth Winkelstein for her opus, “Water: Good or Bad?” and her ability to accept criticism as well as to dole it out. Of course, none of this would have been possible without the generosity of the International Center for Water Science, dually located in China and Switzerland.

DESIGN BY JOSEPHINE BUCCINI

Hi everyone! Our names are Jett and Megan. We are two incredibly nautically-passionate students here at Penn, and we also happen to be Kite & Key Tour Guides! We recognize that college can be a tough transition. Some people are figuring out how to stick to a steady gym schedule, or how to practice their religion. Others are wondering, "How do I uphold the tenets of Maritime Law while at Penn?” No matter what you're worried about, we got you! The admissions office has sent us some commonly-asked questions from Penn students, and we’re gonna go ahead and answer them.

Q: Hey! Incoming student from 2027 here. What are the options for freshman year housing?

A: It could be a ton of places, like the Quad or some other stuff. BUT it’s important to note that if you’re interested in keeping to Maritime Law while at Penn, you’d have to be sure that quarters for crew members must be divided into staterooms none of which berths more than four members. Keep it in mind! Happy sailing :) ~Megan

Q: Hi guys, I’m a sophomore and I’m really concerned with Penn’s involvement in climate change. How can I make a difference?

A: Haha yeah totally. We are actually very climateneutral here in the Maritime Law office, so don’t come at us with that Greta Thimble stuff. It turns out that if the sea levels keep rising we will all be able to adhere to maritime law more often because even more of our world will be saltwater-based. ~Jett

Q: Heyo, student from Philly suburbs here. Can I bring my car to campus?

A: Car. Ah, that nasty little three letter word. A chuckle escapes me — apologies from Megan. Can’t say we’re so sure about ports for docking the old “automobile,” as we’ve been navigating Philadelphia by OGS (ocean-going ship) since we were secondsemester freshmen. And if you don’t know about ocean-going ships, well… I wish you luck. ~Megan

Q: Should I get the full or half meal plan?

A: So, at sea, there are no “meal plans.” Sometimes us seamen resort to real painful measures. I’ve heard of seamen eating leather, wood, raw fish, even other seamen. I once ate seamen’s stew for four nights straight in the middle of a wild sea-storm. I do not look upon those days fondly. At Penn, I would say that a half meal plan is plenty. There is lots of free oceanrelated food around campus if you look hard enough. My freshman year, I ate mostly oyster crackers from the free Wawa containers of condiments. ~Jett

Q: Hi, I’m super interested in joining groups at Penn. Any recommendations for cool clubs I could be a part of?

A: The question is, my dear boy, would you rather be cool? Or maybe — just maybe — would you rather be noble, engaging in a meaningful pursuit that puts you at harmony with one of nature’s elements, the water with which we find solitude and meaning? I think perhaps the latter, no? But if “cool” is your objective… go forth, be one of the plethora of students who join the IAA, or perhaps the “WHAMB.” But if you maybe yearn for something greater, come to the old elderberry tree by Schuylkill River. You’ll know it when you see it. We’re waiting for you, oars in hand. We always have been (text me when you get here) ~Megan

Q: I’m a senior who is absolutely fed up with the frat next door to me. They throw parties and run around their house naked in the night. Do you have any good ideas for waging war against next door?

A: Good question. One thing’s for sure: when it comes to nautical issues and private maritime disputes, we’ve got you covered. With respect to your neighbors, we suggest firing cannons starboard and having your mateys climb aboard with their sabers. If that doesn’t do the trick, get your most scurvy-ridden matey to bite the captain of the other house. ~Jett

Q: I’m a little confused, do I have to adhere to maritime law? Is that mandatory? Isn’t Penn on land?

A: We find this question incredibly upsetting.

F*CK PUTIN, KEEP OUR BOYS SHOOTIN’

Fig. 3

Fig. 2

Fig. 4

SPORTS*

THE INDEPENDENT SATIRE NEWSPAPER OF THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA • UNDER THE BUTTON PHILADELPHIA, THURSDAY, APRIL 6, 2023

Joe Biden and Xi Jinping to Engage in Perry World House-Sponsored Chili Cook Off: Winner Is Named Global Hegemon

I don’t care who wins or loses as long as both teams have fun!

CLAIRE HAYES Sorority Sister

As an international relations major, I know the importance of having a global hegemon. The world has been crazy lately; we have dealt with war in Ukraine, Coronavirus, latex in our water system, sewage in our streets... I blame this global chaos on the lack of a clear hegemon. Maybe if we could collectively agree on who was hegemon, we could finally have peace.

In light of this chaos and instability, Perry World House has decided to take matters into their own hands. They believe that the US and China are the only two countries worthy of being named hegemon. They decided that the only civilized way to settle the question of who the best is is for Joe Biden and Xi Jinping to compete

in a chili cook off. When the president of Perry World House was asked to comment on this decision, she said, “What better way to analyze a state’s political, economic, and military predominance than a test of their culinary expertise?” I have to agree with this proclamation. Chili is the ultimate judge of character. If you can make a good chili, then what can’t you do?

The winner of this competition will not only be named global hegemon, but will also have a new crockpot section in the 1920 Commons dining hall named after it, Penn promises. Every Friday, they will cook the winner’s recipe. What an honor!

In light of Penn Dining Staff Appreciation Week,

The Joy of Global Exchange! China Acknowledges Wyoming to be the New ‘Middle Kingdom’

With attractions such as Jackson Hole or disproportionate representation in Congress, Wyoming is the hotspot for the movers and shakers of the world

RIYA NANDAKUMAR Vice Provost

In the current times of unrest in the global geopolitical climate, a sign of healthy communication is truly a breath of fresh air. Recently, this came in the form of an announcement from China that it has formally concluded its thousands of years’ long reign as the “Middle Kingdom” of the world and universe.

President Xi Jinping announced the decision this past Monday morning after intense deliberation, citing the pursuit of global exchange as a motivator.

At this conference, which was held in Beijing, China’s ambassador to Washington D.C. handed over this status as “center of the world” to a new focal point – Wyoming. After months of research on behalf of Chinese officials, it was concluded that within the past five years,

Wyoming has assumed the same centrality and authority historically held by China. With attractions such as Jackson Hole for great skiing, or disproportionate representation in Congress, Wyoming is the current hotspot for the movers and shakers of the world.

Other responsibilities now handed over to Wyoming by China include representation in Solar System and Intergalactic Council, as well as leasing headquarters to the Illuminati. Fears of the U.S. federal government stepping in to interfere with these roles are already brewing. However, most are certain that these governments and officials will be transparent in such critical matters, feeling that these truthful organizations have no reason to suddenly lie to the public.

and in a democratic effort to hand the fate of global politics back to the people, Perry World House has chosen the Penn dining staff to judge this competition. From popcorn chicken to rice bowls to chicken rice bowls, the Penn dining staff has done it all. With their recent achievement in committing the most health code violations for a university dining program in history, I ask: who better to choose the next #1 than the current #1?

Many famous Penn alumni have decided to travel to University City for this event. Notably, former President and 1968 Wharton graduate Donald Trump has decided to make an appearance. Trump recently truthed: “If left unchecked, Sleepy Joe will make a fool of himself. I

should be making that Chili. And if the fate of the US comes down to it, I will be making that Chili.”

As this competition fast approaches, there has been extensive discourse on who will cook the best chili. Many speculate that Biden will win, because Penn is home to Penn Biden Center for Diplomacy and Global Engagement. But they forget that the Penn Biden Center for Diplomacy and Global Engagement is irrelevant to 99% of Penn’s students and faculty.

I would like to say that Biden will win, because just like me, Joe Biden is Not a Veteran. But in all honesty, I don’t care who wins or loses, as long as both teams have fun!

If 1 in 5 People in the World Are Actually Chinese, Why Do I Still Have No Ethnic Friends?

My lightweight rowing team also, suspiciously, is all white. Any group of 5 that I create out of them has no Chinese people in it at all

ADRIAN RAFIZADEH Veteran

I would have voted for Obama in 2008 if I was of age. And probably again in 2012. My former cousin is gay. I can tolerate sushi. I am a progressive. I am committed to diversity, through and through. They say that 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. But if that’s true, why do I still have no ethnic friends?

I’m not necessarily denying the fact that 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. I’m just a tad doubtful. In my friend group of 7, there are 5 white Anglo-Saxon Protestants and 2 white Anglo-Saxon Catholics. I mean, Brett did hook up with that one Japanese chick, but I don’t think that would make him Chinese. I’ll ask him.

In my fraternity, there are a couple of brothers who seem to not be white. I don’t talk to them enough to know for sure, though. My lightweight rowing team also, suspiciously, is all white. Any group of 5 that I create out of them has no Chinese people in it at all. Again, I’m just presenting facts — not taking a side on this debate, but simply sharing my story.

I wish it were true that 1 in 5 people are Chinese. My uncle had a layover in Taipei once and seemed to really appreciate the culture. I feel as if my passion for diversity would make me a great candidate for having ethnic friends. If only there were more Chinese people to meet!

PHOTO BY JAKUB HAŁUN | CC BY-SA 3.0

PHOTO BY J3N53R | CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

PHOTO FROM GREG BENSON/ARCHITECT MAGAZINE & DESIGN BY CLAIRE HAYES