A Life Without Fear FA Stories of Recovery from Food Addiction September$2.502022
Warding Off Isolation....................................... 6 The Dating Game............................................8 A Change of Heart......................................... 10 Something Wasn’t Working................................13 Planning For Abstinence...................................14 Using Prayer................................................. 5 September 2022 Share your story & artwork FeaturesSubscribe Front Cover Art: Norma Jean P., OH Back Cover Art: Anonymous Graphic Design: Tickled Plum Go to our website: www.foodaddicts.org and have connection delivered to your home. Copyright © 2022 Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous 400 W. Cummings Park, Suite 1700 Woburn, MA 01801-6572 If you have 90 days of continuous abstinence in FA, connection invites you to share your experience, strength, and hope with us. E-mail submissions to articles@foodaddicts.org or art@foodaddicts.org Columns Tried It All.................................... First 90 Days: Quali cation: No Reservations............................. No Matter What: Even Through Tragedy................. Lighten Up: Hidden Hazard............................... 153117 Credits Glossary of Terms FA: Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous AA: Alcoholics Anonymous AWOL: A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps Big Book: AnonymousAlcoholics 1 Stone = 14 pounds 1 Kilo = approx. 2.2 pounds
connection 1 Tr i ed It A l l
Burning with guilt and shame, I decided to eat only fruit for the rest of the week. It soon changed into only eating our for a whole week, then to eating exclusively non fat prod ucts to tr y to limit the damage my uncontrollable greed had caused to my body, my work, and my relationships.
I changed that resolution and decided on a seven day grain diet, a plan I got from a health-food store. en I did a seven day fast, hoping that total abstinence from food would li the obsession, but I ended up bingeing worse than ever. I felt like a greedy, insatiable glutton, always in pursuit of food, movies, theater, traveling, work, relationships, clothes, or self hurting in order to avoid bingeing and purging. I also tried following the suggestions of pro fessionals to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, without restrictions. ey said that my eating habits would level out automati cally if my soul recognized that there are no forbidden foods. One therapist assured me that if I worked on my childhood trauma eciently enough, the eating disorder would level out. It never happened in 20 years. I nally stopped searching and came into FA. I experienced a three year period where I could stop throwing up. My binges were moderate, almost not present at times. I had a lot of excuses and denials. I told myself that I could extend a normal meal with desserts, hot beverages, fruit, and goodies because I had not eaten that much. I told myself that I deser ved it, that I had never tried that item, or that it wouldn’t hurt me that one time. I told myself that I could stop eating a er I had one of something. I rmly believed in my ration alizations. I also was in love. ank God for a healthy re lationship, I thought, but declined when the man I loved proposed to me. My idea was that there was someone better out there. I looked for a room of my own that would give me privacy to resume bingeing and purging and, of course, nd my real love somewhere out there. I binged a er my therapist was ill and had to end our relationship, and a er I lost a child
Iremember raising my head from the toi let seat, where I had just shed my stinking guts. I turned to God and said, “I promise I won ’ t do it again.” But later that day, I sat in the dining facilit y of the universit y campus, gulping down a second lunch. A er a purge was always the next binge.
Q uali c ation
Like the jay walker in the AA Big Book stor y, describing the man who kept getting hurt again and again, continually being hurt made me feel important. I felt attracted to miser y. With per verse pleasure, I let the world revolve around my wounds, helplessness, and despair. is expressed itself most in the way I attracted men for one night stands when I had just ended a period of star ving and drinking as an alternative. I did not care who I slept with. I just latched onto the guy who seemed ready for an adventure. I did not care about whether I liked him or whether I could con tract a disease, get pregnant, or bring home some violent maniac. When I asked my psychiatrist about an honest appraisal of my chances to recover, she told me point blank, “ You will always have trouble controlling your eating. Why don’t you le for disabilit y?” I was devastated.
Shortly a er, another ferocious eating bout le me so humiliated that I had nowhere else to go but back to FA. I had no power le to ght the merciless obsession to destroy myself with food. I started to work all the tools of recover y in FA and started to get well. Today, I start ever y day with a prayer on my knees and ask for another abstinent day. I am being transformed. I express my complete willingness to do whatever my creator wants me to do. I pray for kindness, consideration, love, and respect in all my interactions. I use a rmations to avert negative thinking and despondency, which are my greatest enemies. I tell myself that I deser ve to be healed and to have a happy, joyous life. I accept help so I can help others. I am part of humankind useful and responsible. I believe that I can heal if I persevere.
Now, 12 years into recover y, I am 50 years old and abstinent. I am neither disabled, re tired, nor unemployable. I am surrounded with loving, well meaning, and reliable peo ple. I have work, enough money, good health, and a harmonious life. My family relations have been restored. Doing ser vice in FA, sponsoring, and meeting newcomers are an important part of my daily life. I care for others and do not feel isolated. I have resumed playing the piano, which is a source of joy for me. I feel whole and complete without having to be in a partnership. I am not driven by de sires and wants. My happiness now comes from inside. FA has given me a balanced lifest yle that keeps the destructive forces of my disease at bay, one day at a time. Anonymous
September 22022 in the third month of pregnanc y. I ate a er strong exercise, a er a fast, a er a challenging counseling session, a er sex, a er a nap, when I was angr y, and when my boyfriend of the month did not do what I wanted. I never re ally knew why I binged. I would tell myself that it was a slip, and then I would vow to start anew the next day. My clean slate was an empt y stomach a er purging.
SUSIE C , UK
First 90 Days
On my ninetieth day of abstinence, my car was broken into and all the jewelr y I sell was stolen. I had spent all last year building my inventor y. My work life is now in transition, and today I found myself sinking into a low place. A er lunch I started to feel over whelmed and desperate, and asking God for help was not changing my thoughts or the way I felt. I was worr ying that I might have to go back to working for someone else and the thought was not appealing to me. I felt scared and frightened that I wouldn’t be capable of holding a job, even though I had held jobs my entire life and my last job was in an executive position. e tool of telephone o en saves me from emotional binges, des perate feelings, and procrastination, so I picked up the phone and le numerous mes sages, asking people to call me back. I received a call back and was able to share what was going on with me, with no reser va tions. I shared that I was afraid of going back to a nine to ve job a er having so much freedom over the past year. e feedback from the woman I called was that she had been out of work the entire time her daughter was young and went back to work when her daughter was in junior high school. She shared that at times in her recover y she was petri ed about taking steps to nd employment a er so long, but that she continued to move for ward, despite her feel ings. is was encouraging. I knew that if she could do it, so could I, with just one action followed by the next, as long as I didn’t eat.
connection 3
No R eser vati ons I received a call back and was able to share what was going on with me, with no reservations.
An FA group ought never endorse, nance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
September 42022 We en d e d t h e p h o n e co nv er s at i o n a n d another member cal led me back. I real ized that the feel ings of desperati on had l i f ted a n d w a s rem i n d e d t h at t h at to o l s o f t h i s program work. My l ife today is good. I am in a thin bod y, w hi ch is w hat I w anted throug h my w hole ad ul t l i fe. I know that i f I fol low this pro gram, I c an stay in a thin bod y, and my re l at i o n s h i p w i t h my s e l f a n d o t h er s w i l l continue to improve. I presentl y l i ve w ith my brother, and I no longer e at him out of house a nd home. I co n t r i b u te f i n a n c i a l l y, d o l i t t l e t h i n g s to h e l p h i m , a n d m a k e h i m l o v e l y m e a l s w h en I a m m a k i n g m i n e . I a m p re s en t w hen people need to ta l k, and I tr y to be helpf ul w hen an oppor tunit y arises. I have a long w ay to go, but to d ay I have hop e, and that is one thing I d i d not have before FA . Mar yann S., Florida, US 12.11.10.9.8.7.6.5.4.3.2.1.
Each group has but one primary purpose –to carry its message to the food addict who still su ers.
Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and Anonymitylms. is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous Twelve Traditions I know that if I follow this program, I can stay in a thin body, and my relationship with myself and others will continue to improve.
Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
Each group should be autonomous except in matters a ecting other groups or FA as a whole.
For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
Our common welfare should come rst; personal recovery depends on FA unity.
The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.
Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
Shawna O., Toronto, Canad a SUSAN F , NY
connection 5 M y m o t h er- i n - l aw h a d a w ay o f s a y i n g t h i n g s t h a t w o u l d to u c h a n er v e i n m e. In s u c h m o m e n t s , m y r e s e n t m e n t to w a r d s h e r wo u l d r i s e , a n d I wo u l d w a n t to e at . Ta k e my son ’ s g rad uati on from hig h school , for e x a m p l e . Fo ll o w i n g t h e c e re m o n y t h e r e w a s a re c e p t i o n , a n d i n s te a d o f j o i n i n g u s to c o n gratul ate my son, m y m o t h e r i n l a w r u s h e d o u t s i d e to s i t b y h e r s e l f n e a r t h e c o a t r o o m . He r f i r s t w o r d s f o ll o w i n g t h e r e c e p t i o n w e r e to a s k w h y w e d i d n ’ t r us h to h er r at h er t h a n my s o n. Instead of using food to address my feel ings of frustration, I used prayer to l i my resentment. Hav ing faith in G d and in the pro g ra m a l lowed me to b e w i l l ing a nd open-minded enoug h to change my reaction to the situation. It turned out that my mother in law was hurting from pain due to an arthritic knee, and that is why she isolated herself from the crowd. e day a er the ceremony, I cal led to thank her for joining us, and she was so over w helmed w ith emotion that she sa id she wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Coinci denta l l y, I learned later the same day that my m o t h e r - i n - l a w had made a dona tion to a f undrais ing initi ati ve my husb a nd a nd I were r unning . Her donati on helped us exceed our go a l. Whi le this mi g ht seem unrel ated to the g rad uati on cere mony, I could n ’ t hel p b el i e v ing that this w a s a resp onse to my praying and a sking G d to remove my resent ment. It a l so showed me that G-d works in mysterious ways, ones that I real l y have to be gratef ul for. at feel ing of grat itude is b etter tha n a ny fo o d I have e ver tasted.
Using Prayer
Now, the p a ndemi c ha s g i ven me a n ex c u s e n o t to s o c i a l i z e a t a l l f o r l o n g stretches of time. I prefer to stay in my P Js a n d w a tc h T V o r re a d o v e r b e i n g w i t h p e o p l e . Ho w e v e r, my h u s b a n d i s m u c h m o re s o c i a l t h a n I a m, a n d i t i s g o o d f o r my re co v er y a n d my m a r r i a g e to b e w i l l i n g to g o o u t w i t h p e o p l e o u t s i d e o f my n u c l e a r f a m i l y o cc a s i o n a l l y. A co u p l e o f we e k s a g o, o n e o f my h us b a n d ’ s f r i e n d s a s k e d u s to g o to d i n n e r w i t h h i m a n d h i s w i f e. A l t h o u g h my f i r s t i n te r n a l i n s t i n c t w a s n o t h a n k y o u , o u t w a rd l y, I a g re e d a n d s u g g e s te d a re s t a u r a n t w h ere i t wo u l d b e e a s y f o r m e to e at a b s t i n en t l y. A s t h e d ay a p p ro a c h e d , I b e c a me rel ucta nt to go to the restaura nt we c h o s e. Th e o m i c ro n v a r i a n t o f C OV I D w a s i n f u l l f o rce. We h a d co n t r a c te d t h e v i r u s a m o n t h p r i o r, a n d I re a l l y d i d n ’ t w ant to risk getting it a ga in. I told my husb a n d my c o n c e r n s a n d h e a g re e d . T h e others sug gested we get ta keout from the on
6 September 2022 O n e o f t h e s a y i n g s I ’ v e h e a rd a lot in FA is we have a d isea se of i s o l at i o n. Th i s i s o n e I h av en ’ t a l w a y s s t ro n g l y i d e n t i f i e d w i t h . Ye s , my wor ld b ec a me f a ir l y sma l l at the hei g ht of my d i s e a s e , c o n s i s t i n g m o s t l y o f u n h e a l t hy ro m a n t i c re l a t i o n s h i p s a n d f a i rwe at h er f r i en d s w h o to l er ate d my e at i n g and self centered behav ior. But I’ve a lw ays b een close w ith my l a rge, b oisterous f a mi l y a nd had at le a st sma l l g roups of p eople i n my l i f e. I w a sn ’ t i s o l ate d . E a r l y o n, h o we v er, w i t h o u t t h e b a l m o f f o o d , a l co h o l , a n d h i g h d r a m a s o c i a l s i t u a t i o n s , I re a l i z e d h o w a f r a i d I b e c a m e a ro u n d p e o p l e . T h e b re a k a t m e e t i n g s w a s uncomfor table, so I stuck close to my s i s te r w h o c a m e to FA w i t h m e , o r I w a n te d to e s c a p e to t h e b a t h ro o m . Th e l unchro om at wor k, p a r ti es, a nd a ny kind of so ci a l gather ing made me re a l ize that I d o h av e t h e d i s e a s e o f i s o l at i o n. Wi t h o u t a b u f f e t to f o c u s o n , I ’d m u c h p re f e r to s t ay h o m e a n d b e co m f o r t a b l e. I h av e l e a r n e d i n FA to s h o w u p d e sp i te my d i s co m f o r t . Th e f i r s t w a y I b e g a n to do this w a s to have me a l s w ith FA f r i end s b e f o re o r a f te r m e e t i n g s . W h e n I b r a n c h e d o u t s i d e o f FA to s o c i a l g at h er i n g s , I w a s to l d to a s k G o d f o r h e l p a n d l o o k f o r s o m e o n e e l s e i n t h e ro o m t h a t w a s u n c o m f o r t a b l e a n d t a l k to t h e m . S l o w l y, i t b e c a m e s o m e w h a t e a s i e r to s h o w u p a s my w o r l d b e c a m e l a r g e r. I l e a r n e d to e a t l u n c h i n t h e c o n f e re n c e ro om w ith col le a g ues, show up at p a r ti es, e v en to h o s t s o m e o f my o w n.
Ward ing O Isol ati
Ad m i t te d l y, I h av e n o t d o n e t h i s o f ten, s o I t a l k e d to my s p o n s o r a b o u t t h e d e t a i l s , a n d s h e a s s u re d m e t h i s w o u l d b e f i n e . S h e to l d m e h o w s h e d o e s t a k e o u t w i t h co m p a ny w h en s h e d o e sn ’ t h av e t h e t i m e o r en er g y to en ter t a i n. D e sp i te t h i s a s s u r a n c e , o n T h u r s d a y n i g h t (t h e d a te w a s o n S a t u rd a y ) I b e g a n to g o a l i t t l e b er s er k a b o u t d i n n er, ob s e s s i v e l y a s k i n g my h u s b a n d q u e s t i o n s . Ho w w o u l d I know w hat to order for the other couple?
connection 7 re s t au r a n t a n d e at at o u r h o us e.
Should I weig h my food in front of them? D o we e at o u t o f t h e to g o co n t a i n er s o r o n p l a te s ? Th e n my t h o u g h t s s h i f te d to m e , W ha t i f m y p o r t i o n s d o n ’ t eq u a l t h e p o r t i o n s o n m y f o o d p l a n , d o I c o o k m o re ? T h e n w ha t ’ s t h e p o i n t o f n o t c o o k i ng ? W h y a m I a l wa y s c o o k i ng ? T h i s i s n ’ t fa i r, W h y d o I ha v e t o b e s o w e i rd ? W h y d o e s FA m a k e m e d o t h i s ? R e a l izing my thoug ht s were getting out o f co n t ro l , I te x te d my sp o ns o r a n d to l d her w hat w a s going on. She s a i d a l thoug h she mi g ht b e missing something , she d i d n ’ t u n d er s t a n d w hy i t n e e d e d to b e co m pl i c ated. She sug gested send ing the other couple the menu, a sking them w hat the y’d l i k e , o rd er i n g f o r my s e l f, a n d p i c k i n g u p t h e f o o d . T h a t s o u n d e d s a n e , s o w e d i d t h at , a n d I l et i t g o. I m a d e a l a r g e s a l a d f o r e v e r y o n e to s h a re a n d w e i g h e d m i n e b e f o re h a n d . W h e n t h e f o o d a r r i v e d , I w e i g h e d my por tions out. I don’t even think our g uests n o t i ce d w h at I w a s d o i n g e v en t h o u g h I had the sc a le on the counter rig ht in front o f t h e m . If t h e y d i d , t h e y d i d n ’ t s a y a ny t h i n g o r e v en l o o k at m e a s k e w . Th i s k i n d o f t h i n g h a s h a p p en e d to m e b e f o re . I re a l i z e d a f te r w a rd s t h a t I s t i l l h a v e s o m e o f t h a t s o c i a l a n x i e t y o r t h e d isea se of isol ati on that comes a long w ith my d i s e a s e o f f o o d a d d i c t i o n. O n ce I l et g o o f t h e f o o d s i t u at i o n , I re a l i ze d I h a d b e e n p r a c t i c i n g o u r c o n v e r s a t i o n i n my m i n d , wo n d er i n g w h at t h e o t h er co u p l e w o u l d t h i n k o f o u r h o u s e o r o u r c h i l d ’ s b e h av i o r, a n d h o w to s ens i t i v e l y re sp o n d to t h e i r d i f f i c u l t s i t u at i o n w i t h t h e i r f a m i l y. A l t h o u g h I ’ m n o t p a r t i c u l a r l y p ro u d o f t h e w h i r l w i n d I p u t my h us b a n d t h ro u g h a b o u t a s i m p l e d i n n er w i t h f r i en d s , I l ater re a l i z e d t h a t w h a t I w a s re a l l y w o r r i e d a b o u t w a s n o t j u s t t h e f o o d . Th e d i f f e r e n c e i n my l i f e i n re c o v e r y i s t h a t I re a c h e d o u t a n d a s k e d f o r h e l p f ro m my sp o ns o r a n d t h e Go d o f my u n d er s t a n d i n g . I p u t o n a s i ze 4 o u t f i t a n d f e l t g o o d a b o u t h o w I l o o k e d . I we i g h e d a n d m e a s u re d a c l e a n , a b s t i n e n t m e a l , a n d h a d a g o o d t i m e . W h i l e t h e w i n e w a s f l o w i n g and the appetizers were shared among the others, I felt at peace and f ulf i l led w ith my a b s t i n e n t m e a l a n d t h e f a c t t h a t I d o n ’ t l i v e i n i s o l at i o n, o n e d ay at a t i m e. Jo a nn a A. , Wa sh i ng t o n D C , U S
SUSAN D , CA
September 82022
Dat i n g a f ter f o u r y e a r s o f a b s t i n en ce i s s o d i f f eren t f ro m d at i n g i n d i s e a s e. I a m p re s en t f o r e v er y m o m en t , e v en t h e i ns e c u re o n e s. I f e e l e v er y f e e l i n g , s e e e v er y g l ance he g i ves me, and am aw are of e ver y t h o u g h t t h a t c r o s s e s m y m i n d . My d e f e c t s a r e r i g h t i n f r o n t o f m e a t a l l m om e n t s a n d , t h a n k y o u G o d , s o i s m y e
L o o k i n g b a c k , I c a n s e e w hy I h a d s o m a ny f i r s t d ate s. A l l t h e d ate s I w e n t o n b e f o r e r e c o v e r y w e r e o v e r t h e m o m e n t I p i c k e d u p t h e b i te . Ac t u a l l y, t h e y w e r e o v e r i f I h a d ta ken the bite earl ier that d ay. I w a s there i n b o d y, b u t n o t i n m i n d o r s p i r i t . I c a n ’ t e v e n r e m e m b e r c o n v e r s at i o n to p i c s I h a d o n m y d ate s. W h at I c a n r e c a l l i s t h a t t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n w o u l d s o m e h o w sp i n b a c k to m e a n d w h ate v er i s s u e o f t h e m o m e n t I w a s h a v i n g i n m y l i f e ( w h i c h w a s a l w a y s a b o u t e a t i n g o r c o n trol l ing food). I d idn’t have the common s ens e , t a c t , o r s k i l l to h av e a s i m p l e i n tera c t i o n w i t h a n o t h e r p e r s o n . I c o u l d n ’ t ta l k ab out the l atest t rend s, lo c a l happ en ings, or e ven the we ather, b ec ause I w a sn ’ t a w a r e o f t h e t i m e o f y e a r a n d s e a s o n s . I d i d n ’ t n o t i c e b u d s o n t r e e s a n d t h a t c l o u d s h a d d i f f eren t s h a p e s u n t i l my f i r s t y e a r i n FA . Pr i o r to FA re co v er y, I b i n g e d o n h i g h f at, suga r, a nd f lour pro d uct s or exercised for three hours before a d ate. On the d ay o f t h e d ate , o r t h e d ay b e f o re , I wo u l d e at a nd then throw up. O f ten, w hen I w a s in a b u l i m i c p h a s e o f m y d i s e a s e , I f e l t s o m u c h s e l f h a t r e d t h a t I w o u l d c a n c e l d ate s b e c aus e I d i d n ’ t f e e l d es e r v i n g o f t h e m a l e a t te n t i o n . T h i s a pp l i e d to e xe r c i s e b u l i m i a a s we l l . I c a nceled a d ate once bec ause I had eaten earl ier in the d ay a n d d e c i d e d to r i d e m y b i k e to v i s i t m y p a rent s in a nother cit y (20 mi les aw ay) to e at m o re f o o d .
Dating Game
Humbly asked Him to remove our Madeshortcomings.alistofall persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
u , G o d . My h e a d w a s c l e a r, my h e a r t w a s o p en, a n d y e s , we a re s t i l l d at i n g . An o n y m o u s 12.11.10.9.8.7.6.5.4.3.2.1.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our a airs.
c9 onnection Hi g h er Po wer. L a s t S at u rd ay n i g h t w a s a d re a m, co mp a r e d to t h e n i g h t m a r e o f m y f o o d a d d i c te d d a t i n g l i f e . T h e g u y I a m n o w d a t i n g p i c k e d m e u p a n d I w a s r e a d y, t h a n k s to t h e FA h a b i t o f b e i n g o n t i m e f o r m o r n i n g c a l l s a n d m e et i n g s. He to o k m e to a l o d g e b y t h e b e a c h t h at I us e d to f a n t a s i z e a b o u t w h e n m y f a m i l y w o u l d d r i v e b y i t w h e n I w a s a l i t t l e g i r l . In t h e re s t au r a n t , we ate at a w i n d o w - s e at t a b l e l o o k i n g o v e r t h e w a te r. A l t h o u g h t h e we at h er w a s f o g g y a n d g r ay, t h e s u n w a s s h i n i n g , a n d Go d w a s p re s en t d e e p i n my hear t and in the convers ati on. We ta l ked a b o u t o u r f r i e n d s a n d o u r s e l v e s . We sha red exp er i ences we have had w ith e ach o t h er a n d o t h er s. I w a s p re s en t . W h en t h e f o o d c a m e , we t a l k e d a b o u t h o w d e l i c i o u s i t w a s . It’s a g i f t to h a v e a ta st y and g ui l t free mea l. The d ate l a sted a l i t t l e l o n g er, w i t h s o m e l i g h t t a l k i n g i n t h e c a r. Th ere were e v en s o m e m o m en t s o f q u i e t , w h i c h a re n ’ t s o u n c o m f o r t a b l e a n d b i n g e p ro d u c i n g f o r m e a ny m o re. I us e d to h av e to f i l l t h e em p t y sp a ce w i t h n o n s e n s e t a l k . A f te r t h e n o n s e n s e , t h e s e l f h a t re d w o u l d c o m e , a n d t h e n I ’d g o h o m e a n d e at a b u n c h o f f at . We s a i d o u r g o o d b y e s a t a d e c e n t h o u r. T h a n k y o
We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our Werewrongs.entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Twelve Steps
Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous
Last week a friend did something that upset me during a group meeting. As the day wore on, I was still feeling angr y. Why did she do that? Her inappro priate behav ior wa s taking up space in my mind. Later that night, I realized I was build ing a resentment. I kne w I needed to pray for this friend, so that nig ht w hen I got on my knees, I d id what w a s sug gested on pa ge 552 of AA’s Big Book, and I s a i d the resentment prayer. Fi ve d ays l ater, de spite s ay ing the re sentment prayer each night, I was stil l boil ing mad and avoid ing my friend. e situation nally came pour ing out on my sponsor call, who asked me to use the tool of writing to g ure out what it w a s about the situati on that made me react so strongly. O ver the next fe w days, I did just that. e insight I received by writ ing w a s not something I w a s par ti cul arl y proud of, but I had to admit that my friend had acted in a way that I have acted in the past large and in charge and it bothered me more because I didn’t like it when I behaved that way myself. A er another week of writing , I was able to accept that, like me, she’s human and humans make mistakes. I have come to under stand that my expectations of other people are o en much too high, and this incident w a s just another example. At this point, I felt more rel a xed about w hat happened during the meeting , but I w a s sti l l not ready to let it go, and I sug gested to my sponsor that now I needed to telephone my fri end to a sk her why she did what she d i d. Once a ga in, my sponsor asked me to keep writing in order to g ure out my mo tive for initiating the conversation and de termine w hat I mig ht s ay, should the conversation occur. I s at dow n to w rite a ga in and d ra ed a script. During my next quiet time, it hit me that what I really wanted to do was punish her for her choice of words and actions dur ing that meeting. e outcome I w anted was for her to admit to me that she made a mista ke, to s ay she w a s sorr y. I a l so kne w that w anting to punish her w a s a chi ld ish notion and expecting her to admit wrong
10 September 2022
Looking back, I can ’ t believe that this change of heart happened in such a short period of time.
A Change of Hear t
It took another few days of writing and re ection before I could nally be completely honest with myself and admit that my anger c ame from fear. I w a s afra i d of doing the s ame thing in the f uture, of behav ing the s ame w ay myself. I w a s surprised at how much l ighter I felt when I real ized I could let the whole thing go. When we spoke the next time, I w a s able to greet her w arml y and sincerely.
c11 onnection doing was unreasonable. I liked this person and felt that she w a s someone I could de velop an e ven stronger fri end ship w ith. Would this help in any way? I started to have second thoughts about initiating this con versation.
SHARON H , MA
Looking back, I c an ’ t bel i e ve that this change of hear t happened in such a shor t period of time. How d id this miracle, this 180 degree change of hear t, come to be?
12 September 2022
Why had I, w ithout my sponsor ’ s urg ing , started to pray for this person? I couldn’t help but revie w my FA histor y. I heard about this program back in 2009. I d idn’t jump in rig ht away, but eventua l l y I got desperate and found a sponsor, who shared the food plan and tool s w ith me. O ver the next 16 months I proceeded to lose 140 pounds. I got into a right sized bod y and my l ife im proved in a l l a spects. But in early 2016, my husband’s hea lth de teriorated and the rea l it y of his l ife a er a surger y necessitated many changes for our family. I put my hus band’s hea lth a head of my recover y, and eventually, I had a break. I ne ver le FA and continued to work with a sponsor, but I was in denial about my commitment and willingness. I proceeded to str ug g le w ith our and sugar over the next t wo-and-a-half years, only reaching 90 d ays of abstinence once during that d ark time. My sponsor and many trusted fellows were ver y kind and helpf ul, but I continued to think that extra food would help. Finally, I a sked someone I w a s a l ittle afra i d of to sponsor me. She a greed under one cond ition; that I come to her as a newcomer. at was a ne w day one for me and a big surren der, but one I am now ver y thankf ul that I was wil l ing to make. Final l y, I admitted to the depth of my being that I was a food ad d ict and that nothing except working this program e ver y d ay could keep my obses sion with food at bay. With over t wo years of abstinence, I now recognize that, like my willingness to get a ne w sponsor and go back to d ay one, my change of heart with my friend’s behav i or w a s a spiri tua l experi ence. In another Twelve Step program, I heard about the d i erence bet ween sobri et y putting down the addictive substance and emotional sobriet y, the impl ication being that the t wo states don’t always happen to gether and sometimes it takes a long time to experience emotional sobriet y. I now be lieve that my immediate reaction to pick up the tools and take my sponsor ’ s suggestions was an indication of emotional sobriet y I nal l y felt at peace. Although some days I feel like I’m only trudging this road of happy destiny, on many days I have a l ightness of spirit and c an say I feel happy, joyous, and free.
Susan T , Canada Finally, I admitted to the depth of my being that I was a food addict and that nothing except working this program ever y day could keep my obsession with food at bay.
Fo u r y e a r s l ater, I n o w re a l i ze t h at I w a s t h e c a u s e o f t h e tox i c a t m o s p h e r e a t wo r k . Ta l k a b o u t a l a c k o f i n te g r i t y, s te a l i n g c o m p a n y t i m e , a n d a r r o g a n c e . I f e l t a s h a m e d o f m y b e h a v i o r a n d t h i n k i n g .
In h i n d s i g h t , I c a n s e e m y r e b e l l i o u s s p i r i t a n d a r r o g a n t b e h a v i o r. I o w e s o m e a m e n d s a t w o r k , b u t I d o n ’ t h a v e t h e wo rd s to e x p re s s t h em y et . T h i s i s w h e n I p r a y to m y Hi g h e r Po w e r, c a l l my s p o n s o r, c o n t a c t my FA f e l l o w s , a n d u l t i m ate l y a s k f o r h e l p. FA h e l p e d m e re a l i ze t h at I d o n ’ t h av e to e at o v e r t h e s e f e e l i n g s a n d b a d b e h a v i o r s . Wi s h i n g t h e s e i s s u e s a w a y w i l l n o t wo r k . I h av e a Hi g h er Po wer a n d a p ro g r a m to g u i d e m e. I a m n o t a l o n e a ny m o r e . I t h a n k G o d f o r t h e g l i m p s e o f s e l f a w a r e n e s s a n d t h e w i l l i n g n e s s to c h a n g e. Th i s to o s h a l l p a s s. M a r y Lo u R . , Ne w Yo r k , U S
omething
connection 13 W h e n t h e C O V I D 1 9 v i r u s f o r c e d m e to w o r k f r o m h o m e I t h o u g h t i t s o u n d e d l i k e a p a i d v a c a t i o n ! I c o u l d t a k e n a p s d u r i n g t h e d a y, o r g a n i z e m y c raf t closet s, ma ke g reeting c a rd s for the n e x t c r a f t f a i r, a n d f o l l o w i t a l l u p w i t h a n o t h e r n a p. A l l m y h o m e b a s e d j o b w o u l d re q u i re o f m e w a s to a n s w e r t h e p h o n e a n d re sp o n d to em a i l s i f n e e d e d . O n t h e f i r s t d a y w o r k i n g f ro m h o m e , I re ce i v e d o n l y o n e c a l l t h e en t i re d ay. At f i r s t , I t h o u g h t , T h i s i s g rea t ! , b u t t h en I f e l t a w av e o f g u i l t w a s h o v er m e f o r g et t i n g p a i d a n d n o t d o i n g a ny wo r k . S u d d e n l y I h a d a f l a s h b a c k to m a n y d ays in the off i ce w hen I d i d nothing the w h o l e d ay a n d f e l t p ro u d o f my s e l f. Th e n e x t d a y I e x p e r i e n c e d a n x i e t i e s , f r u s t r a t i o n , a n d a n g e r b e c a u s e o f a l l t h e work lef t undone. Instead of looking in w a r d a n d t r y i n g to i m p r o v e m y s e l f, I ’d g e t a n g r y a t my c o w o r k e r s . I ’d te l l my self that my co workers were doing noth i n g a l l d ay, w h i l e I h a d a p i l e o f wo r k to d o. It f e l t u n f a i r. I t h o u g h t , I ’ m t h e o n l y p e r s o n w o r k i ng i n t h i s d e p a r t m e n t. I’m t h e best and most knowledg eable e mplo yee in t hi s d e p a r t m e n t. I w a s a l w a y s t a k i n g my c o wo r k er s ’ i nv en to r y w h i l e my wo r k p i l e d u p. My d en i a l c aus e d m e to b e re s en t f u l .
In re a l i t y, I w a s n o t a s g o o d a n em p l o y e e a s I t h o u g h t . B e i n g at h o m e t h e f o l l o w i n g d ay s co n t i n u e d to re v e a l m o re o f my p o o r wo r k e t h i c a n d tox i c o f f i c e b e h a v i o r s . I b l a m e d my co wo r k er s f o r my o w n a n t i socia l behav i ors and l ack of coping ski l l s.
S Wa sn ’ t Wor king
A friend in program once said, “Prior proper planning prevents poor perform ance. ” I had written that down and taped it to my refrigerator. It so speaks to the need to value and protect my abstinence. I’ll talk to a fellow in recover y with my bagg y-covered cellphone. en I’ll wait while God helps me gure out the next right thing for me to do. I am so ver y blessed to have a relationship with a higher power and enough willingness to do things di erently than I would have done when I was in disease. Lucinda L , New Hampshire, US
14 September 2022
Pl anning For Abstinence
Let me start by saying that in this mo ment, I am abstinent. One day at a time, I commit the third step prayer and o er prayers to a higher power asking to be assisted in all my e orts to remain abstinent today. is morning, I told my sponsor my food plan for the day. I live alone, I work from home alone, and I do not report to anyone for my work on a daily basis. erefore, my connection to my sponsor is an integral part of my mental health. She is not my higher power, nor my God, nor my last word. My re cover y is in God’s hands along with my ego, my personalit y, my strengths, and my weak nesses. God’s grace covers my back, a saying my old Irish culture has passed down to me. So here I am, standing in front of my refrig erator, and there is no lettuce. I have spent the last two hours preparing old perishable foods so they will not be wasted. I pull out old recipes from my younger days, basking in the comfort of nostalgia. I think about calling my daughter who lives in another state, just to hear her voice again and pass on the recipe I cooked when my children were little t ykes, before their dad passed away. I feel the need to share some memories, but the better par enting I learned in Al-Anon (a support organization for the families and friends of people battling addiction) slows me down to be respectf ul of the fact that it is now her working hours, and I decide to wait patiently until a er ve o ’clock. I keep cleaning out the refrigerator to make room for new produce. is morning, I told my sponsor I was planning to go to the gro cer y store today. I think, Is it really necessar y, if I am only out of lettuce? It is part of my daily step work in life to question my motivations in this and other actions. Am I fearf ul? Am I looking for distraction from di cult feel ings? Am I looking to be entertained? Is en joying the stimulation of the colors, the foods, and the actions of others in the store underneath this thought? Am I solidly in t spiritual condition to go there today?
connection Ihad been in FA for about seven weeks when I found out that my 25 year old d aug hter had b een in a f ata l c a r acci dent. is wa s the most deva stating thing that ha s e ver hap p ened ank g I was in c ause I stay st ro my daughte r o u this ex d i cul t d i d not bre a k. I d i d , I come b w a s nec stinent r a chance I ma k FA calls, and a few weeks a er my daughter was killed, I was talking to a fellow who lives nearby and told her the horrible ne ws She told me she wa s a grief counselor and she had blo cked out her fol low d ay b e e had a some going to for her he told ld come (free of aturd ay with my s. use at 10 m. It was d i cul t n d isbe omeone that for nd I w a s Even roug h Tra ged y No Matter What ROBIN M , NY 15
September 12022 6 so tha nkf ul. When she le , she tha nked me! I was ver y gratef ul for her ser v ice and w a s b eg inning to see how FA wor ked. It was ama zing. I don’t rememb er much of my chi ld ho o d. My mom moved my older brother a nd me 13 times by the time I w a s 12 ye a rs old. I have some resi d ua l memor i es, mostl y b ad. My mom is bipolar with a narcissis ti c p ersona l it y d isorder. She d id the best she could , but her best w a s now here ne a r w hat I needed a s a chi ld. I to ok on adult responsibil ities at a ge 12, loaning my mom money (babysitting money), getting myself to school , cleaning the house, and taking care of her. I never had a weight problem until I was 15. I ga ined wei g ht the summer a er my f reshma n ye a r of hi g h scho ol. Lo oking b ack at pi ctures, I see I w a s not f at. How sad, though, to have my low self esteem and low self-con dence start 44 years of yo-yo d ieting. I wei g hed 147 p ound s w hen I b ec a me pregnant with my t win daughters in 1989. I got up to 221 p ound s a nd gave bir th to t wo big, beautiful babies. Over the next few ye a rs, I got dow n to my pre-preg na nc y wei g ht a nd then found out that my hus band was a pathological l iar. We stayed to gether for t wo ye a rs but ended up getting d ivorced. I d i d n ’ t stay at my pre pregnant weig ht for long . I sta r ted , once a gain, going up a nd dow n for the next 25 ye a rs. I en ga ged in negati ve self ta l k, food depri vation, constant diet ing , overe ating , a nd binge behav ior. If I wa sn ’ t in this great program, I would not have been able to be there for my other d aug hter. I lost my d aug hter, but she lost her t win sister. I would probabl y be curled up in a bal l on my bed, eating to the point of oblivion to tr y to block out the aw f ul de sp a ir, g r i ef, a nd s ad ness. Since I’ve ne ver dealt with my feelings, because I ate to stu them dow n for 44 years, it’s been d i cult to feel them now. I know I can, because I’m in FA . e support, love, compassion, and hope I have gotten from my fellows is over whelming. I don’t know what I would have done without FA . Shannon D., California, US Since I’ve never dealt with my feelings, because I ate to stu them down for 44 years, it’s been di cult to feel them now. I know I can, because I’m in FA.
Lighten
connection 17
T he other d ay I w a s doing an onl ine a ssessment. At one point, I w a s a sked to look at a pi cture of a room and i denti f y a l l the items that mig ht pose a threat to an ind i v i dua l. For example, a s weater lef t to d r y near a heater co u l d s t a r t a f i re. O r a p er s o n c a r r y i n g a p l ate o f sn a c k s , w a l k i n g to w a rd a b i g w r i n k l e i n t h e r u g , co u l d s t u m b l e a n d f a l l . I c a re f u l l y s c a n n e d t h e p i c t u re a n d noted each d angerous situati on. Onl y l ater d i d I rea l ize that for me, a s a food ad d i ct, the most seri ous threat in the room w a s the pl ate of snacks! I thanked God for the neutra l it y that working my FA program brings me, and I smi led to myself. Onl y a food add i ct in recover y could have spotted that l a st hi dden ha z ard. Su s an D., Califor nia, US Hi dden Ha z ard Up!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the di erence.
